Douglas Is Cancelled (2024) s01e04 Episode Script

What's he done now?
He told a sexist joke.
It's all over Twitter.
- What was the joke?
- I don't know.
You don't know?
Whatever it was,
it really wasn't that bad.
- Promise?
- Promise.
There's a bigger problem.
The Hay Festival.
We've got one week.
Ninety-minute interview.
You think there's the slightest chance
they didn't find that wedding
story before I even saw it?
I need you to concentrate on
jokes about Twitter for Douglas.
No wonder they called it Twitter.
It's full of twits.
Who are you?
I hear talks are going on.
Is that right?
Plans are in progress.
You do want this job, don't you?
I mean, you want it enough?
I want it far too much.
- Wait. Where are you going?
- I just heard you undo your belt and I'm leaving.
You don't wanna get
stuck here with Fossil Man.
Why don't you
The Hay Festival, Douglas' interview
It's gonna be a woman.
- It's the Newsnight one.
- Oh, f
- You need to prep.
- I know.
You need an interview rehearsal.
But you keep Madeline out of this.
Anyone but Madeline.
- I'll do it.
- No.
- Can I just, I don't
- You win. I'll do it.
Hi, Madeline.
Or should I call you Kirsty?
- She's Scottish.
- Yeah. Kirsty.
You understand I'm helping you, yeah?
Well yeah.
Hello, Sheila. Come to watch?
This is gonna be fun, yeah?
Any word?
They're not gonna change
the interviewer now.
No, no, probably not.
- Definitely not.
-Yeah, definitely not. You're probably right.
- I'm definitely right.
- Yeah. Yeah.
There is not a single possibility,
listen to me, not one them
changing interviewer at this stage.
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
Exactly what I think.
- Good.
- We'll just have to wait and see.
Excuse me.
But do you think
they'll use the clip, the video?
Yeah.
- You think they will?
- Oh, I know they will.
All of it?
All of it.
Twitter?
More like twatter.
- I'm sorry?
- Twitter? More like twatter.
- That's the joke, yeah?
- Joke?
Well, that's what I'm working on.
Are you gonna make it funny now?
- Er, it's funny already.
- Is it?
- Well, she laughed.
- No, I didn't.
- You smiled. Trust me.
- I think it was a polite smile.
You were aiming for polite, weren't you?
It's hard to tell with young people,
faces are very different now,
with all the new attitudes.
- It was it was polite.
- Well, that's good then.
I do a ton of stand up
and let me tell you something, babes.
A polite smile
is every bit as good as a laugh.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Yeah, it's what
everyone says on the circuit.
Soon as you come off stage.
Don't call me "babes".
- Excuse me?
- You called me "babes"?
Don't call me "babes".
I'm not a baby, right?
Of course you're not a baby.
I don't flirt with babies.
As in, I really don't do that.
That's, like, totally out for me.
I'm, like, babies,
ew, no, like dealbreaker.
So, if I can just
remind you of the brief here,
- we need a Thank you.
-Sorry.
We need a joke that Douglas can claim
- he told at the wedding.
- Mmm-hmm.
It needs to be a bit misogynist
or no one will believe
it came from Douglas,
but not so misogynist
that Douglas will get cancelled.
So nuanced misogyny, misogyny
that women can really get behind.
Family-friendly misogyny
from a happier time.
Misogyny you can take home
to your mum and hit her with it.
No, no, don't do that. No.
Don't hit your mum.
Don't hit mums.
- Are we good to go?
- Anytime.
How can you trust that woman?
How can you trust Madeline?
The same way I trust everyone else.
Incompletely.
All right, let's get started.
Okay. We're good to go.
- Melvin, I'm gonna need that chair.
- Morgan.
- Hmm?
- Morgan.
There's a stool over there somewhere.
- Oh, yes.
- Hey.
- Yeah, that's good.
- I'll just keep it going.
- Can you see the
- Hey.
God, this is ridiculous, isn't it?
I mean, you interviewing me.
I mean, rehearsing me.
Helping me, obviously.
But it's all so ridiculous, isn't it?
But how can there be all
this fuss about a stupid joke?
It wasn't a joke, though, was it?
It was a story,
and they all laughed.
All those men laughed.
And the story you told them
was about me.
- Toby
- Okay, studio, here we go.
Three, two, one.-
- Cue Madeline.
- Stop!
And I know exactly what you said.
- Okay, Douglas Bellowes. National treasure.
-Madeline, just We're not
Thirty-five years in the business,
Thirty-five years as the self-described
voice of sanity for the nation,
but we're going to start
with something very recent
which the voice of sanity
has been heard saying.
Could we just cut a moment please?
I'm sure you know, there's been
- some discussion online about the joke you made.
- Toby, can we
I'm sure you'd like a chance
to clear things up.
Toby, can we
can we just stop?
According to the original tweet,
- which I know you've seen
- Madeline, we're stopping.
- Just stop please.
- you told a joke that could be described
- We've stopped, Madeline.
- was described as sexist.
Toby, can you come in here?
So, can I just ask you
what was the joke?
- Yeah, I'm here.
- Douglas, to be clear,
are you declining
to answer the question?
- Will you repeat what you just said?
- I asked you about the joke,
and then I asked if you
were declining to answer me?
No, before that,
when you covered your mic.
- I don't recall.
- You just told me a moment ago,
a few seconds ago that you thought
the joke at the wedding was about you.
You said that I told a story
about you and all the men laughed.
You said that!
You accused me.
- No, I didn't.
- For Christ's sake!
You're audible on the
studio mikes. I heard you.
I knew I was audible, Sheila,
because I know how a studio works.
But I didn't say that.
Kirsty said it.
I was being her.
That's the whole point of this, yeah?
Oh, for God's sake!
This is a simulation.
This is a rehearsal!
I'm Kirsty.
This is the Hay Festival,
and that's the condemned man.
And what Kirsty just did, not me,
Kirsty was to try
and throw you off balance
a second before the interview started.
Good, isn't she?
Kirsty wouldn't
For God's sake,
she's not gonna think
the joke was about her, is she?
Why not?
You tell funny stories about everyone.
Kirsty, Gavin.
Toby. Me. Your wife.
It's your party piece. Funny
stories about people you know.
Conceivably she might think
the joke was about her,
or she might pretend to,
to throw you off.
That's not likely.
She's not like that.
Well, we're not in the
business of what's likely.
We are in the business
of what's possible.
Or should we rehearse
for the best-case scenario, hmm?
I have been up all night.
I literally have not slept,
trying to think of every way
she can come at you, because
that's what you wanted me to do.
Every dirty trick I know,
every dirty trick I've read about,
I've got pages of this stuff!
Look at it.
Look at it, pages,
and you fell apart in the first line.
Are you starting to understand
how much trouble you're in now?
Douglas, you are not ready.
Either you find that out here,
surrounded by friends,
or you find out in fucking public.
So what you want to do now?
Shall we all just go home
and pretend everything's okay?
Or maybe here's a better idea.
Why don't we get back to work
and you let me save your stupid arse?
What do you say?
- Madeline, listen
- Not, Madeline.
I'm not Madeline right now.
I'm an avenging angel of death
of Newsnight
and you're Prince Andrew.
I'm sitting in this time.
- I'm gonna watch from here.
- Sure, go ahead.
Ah, not in Douglas's eye line, please.
I will sit where I like.
Oh, yes, of course you will, hmm.
But not in Douglas's eye line, please.
Or mine.
- I'll stay as well.
-Fine, great. Sit where you like.
So, where were we?
You were wondering
if the joke was about you?
Oh, it was about me.
We both know that.
You're saying the joke was about Kirsty.
About me.
Yes, and you're Kirsty.
Toby, this time
no stopping for anything, okay?
Keep it flowing. Whatever
happens, just let it happen.
Every dirty trick.
And cue Madeline.
Madeline?
Cue Kirsty.
Douglas, I have been in contact
with Patrick Harland,
who overheard your joke at the wedding.
I have a summary of it in front of me.
Would you like me to read it aloud,
or would you prefer to tell it
in your own words?
Douglas?
- Are you serious?
- Perfectly.
What would you prefer?
Your words or Patrick's?
No, hang Hang on.
Is this real?
Yes. Your words or Patrick's?
Er, well, I don't
As I've explained already, I don't I
don't really remember saying anything.
Look, sorry.
I I have to know,
is this real or part of the thing?
Is what for real?
Well, have you actually got it there?
The The story
I told at the wedding?
Interesting. I agree.
You agree what?
You just described it as a
story. Not a joke, a story.
Having read Patrick's account,
I'd agree with you.
It's more
It's more like an anecdote,
something that really happened.
So that's good news, isn't it?
- What What is?
- You do remember?
- Okay, maybe we should stop a moment
- Flowing!
- So, you do remember?
- No, I don't.
But you just specified, quite
accurately, that it was a story
- rather than
- It was a long day.
I spoke to a lot of people,
no, I do not remember.
So what are you telling us?
You remember what kind of thing you said
without remembering
what you actually said.
I know I wasn't offensive.
- Though you were drinking.
- I was not drunk.
Well, there are gaps in your memory,
maybe there were lapses
in your judgement.
I have no reason to think so.
Well, you have Patrick Harland,
who publicly described
your story as sexist
and in his email to me as, er,
let's see, ah, "highly misogynist".
Well, it's his word against mine then.
- He wasn't drunk.
- Neither was I!
And he has the advantage of
actually remembering what happened.
Oh, for God's sake!
Are you angry?
I'm being called a misogynist.
Yes, and you're angry,
lashing out, red in the face.
Do you think it's wise to respond
- to an accusation of misogyny like that?
- Like what?
Like a man.
Whatever it says there,
it will be at best,
a gross distortion of anything I said.
Well, you wouldn't know, would you?
You don't remember anything?
- Well, no, but I do know
- Whereas Mr Harland was the one that was sober,
so why is he the one
we should be doubting?
Why is he the one you're believing?
This is online gossip.
When did that become news?
No offence, Kirsty,
but right now you do seem
to have mistaken Twitter for research,
and an Internet troll for a source.
Have you been drinking?
Hmm.
It was about a colleague of yours.
Sorry, what?
The story.
I'm just trying to jog your memory.
A close colleague
and how you first met her.
Does that Does that
mean anything to you?
No.
There are details in the story
that are slightly hard to talk about,
but essentially, you first met
this woman in a hotel room.
Not her hotel room or yours.
In fact, the hotel room
of one of your senior colleagues.
The gist of the, well, humour,
but I suppose we'd have to call it
At any rate, the element of the story
that caused
all the men around you to laugh,
was your theory that this was
how she'd got her current job.
And given the laughter,
one assumes the implication was sexual.
Ring any bells?
- No.
- I don't mean as a story, as an incident.
Did anything like this happen,
which might have been, you know,
maliciously exaggerated
into this kind of story,
something you might have joked about?
For the entertainment of your friends?
For all those laughing men?
Like I said, not ringing any bells.
- Cut!
- Don't cut.
- Cut!
- Do not cut!
Madeline, look, I'm sorry,
but if you're gonna mention
specific people by name,
even in a rehearsal context,
we cannot run the risk of slandering
No individuals will be named
in this rehearsal.
Good.
Thank you.
Well, no individuals
who aren't in this room anyway.
One more time.
Please search your memory.
Do the details of the anecdote
I have summarised
from Patrick Harland's account
resemble any incident you can recall,
however exaggerated or distorted?
No.
How many times do I have to tell you?
No!
Two years ago in the Radio Times,
eighteen months ago
on Desert Island Discs,
four months ago
in a Guardian profile piece
and just two months ago
in the Telegraph,
on all those occasions
you've alluded in passing
to your first meeting
with your current co-presenter
in the hotel suite
of a senior colleague.
You never hinted at any impropriety,
not then anyway,
but clearly this incident resembles
the one in Patrick Harland's account.
So, please explain this.
You have remembered
the details of this meeting
perfectly clearly
for nearly three years.
You've talked about it as
recently as a couple of months ago.
So why did you say that
you couldn't remember it?
What's changed?
Okay, maybe you can answer this.
When you implied at the wedding
that maybe your co-presenter
owes her current position
to sleeping with a senior colleague,
were you joking?
Or is that what you really think?
And either way, what can we
conclude about your opinion
of your current co-presenter,
Madeline Crow?
Cut.
Well, then, who needs a comfort break?
I I think we've drifted
into an area probably best left.
- Madeline, what's this about?
- Me.
I need a comfort break.
No, I just
Can we just talk a moment
Back before you know it, Toby,
fast at weeing, remember?
- Madeline
- What's wrong?
Having a problem with your flow speed?
What's she doing? What
was any of that even about?
Is Madeline right? Is that
what you said at the wedding?
- No.
- No?
No. No, it wasn't.
What do you mean, "No, it wasn't"?
You don't remember
what you said at the wedding,
so how can you know what it wasn't?
- Because I wouldn't
- Not remembering is the best strategy.
For God's sake, stick with it.
This isn't a choice.
I mean, there isn't
I'm not lying.
It doesn't matter if you're lying.
It matters if you look
as though you're lying.
Can I just say, if you believe,
just because Madeline
was in my hotel room,
if you have found
some kind of disgusting lie,
- even as a joke
- Fine, okay, not what we're talking
No, I need to know.
I have a right to know
if either of you believe
that any inappropriate
Not what
we're talking about Jesus.
Claudia?
What's Claudia doing here?
Claudia?
- Who is that guy?
- What guy?
He says he's a comedy writer.
What do you need a comedy writer for?
It's just It's nothing.
- I just thought we might need a little
- A little what?
- Creativity.
- Why?
Claudia, Dad's working on
something, and it's a bit complicated.
I know what he's working on.
He's doing a rehearsal
interview with Madeline.
How do you know that?
He says he's writing a joke.
Why do you need a joke?
Claudia, how do you know
about the rehearsal?
Madeline told me.
- Madeline?
- Yeah, Madeline.
Madeline invited me here.
Where is she?
Seriously.
my daughter?
Oh, has Claudia arrived?
You invited her?
I slipped into her DMs, yeah.
- She's a smart girl.
- She shouldn't be here.
She'll be at the Hay Festival,
won't she?
At the very least, she'll watch
the interview online.
You have no business
bringing her into this.
You're right. I didn't.
It's completely out of order.
In fact, you know what it is?
It's a dirty trick.
And that's the bloody point, yeah.
Every dirty trick, like I promised.
Sheila, listen to me.
That national disgrace
you edit, you call a newspaper,
think of everything
you ever did for a front page
that just ruined someone's life.
Every lie, every promise,
every shitty little thing,
because all of that,
every little bit of it,
is what's coming for your husband.
I love Douglas.
He's a clever man,
but he's not ready for this.
So for all our sakes,
I'm going to make him ready.
You love him?
He's my friend.
Are you fucking him?
Are you fucking my husband?
No.
Are you?
You act like you're fucking him.
You don't.
That's not even a joke.
- It's wordplay.
- It's not funny.
No, it is.
"Twitter. More like twatter."
- You see?
- I find that offensive.
Ah, that's where
you're wrong, actually
You're basically trashing
a media platform
by comparing it to female genitalia.
- No, no, no, no
- It's demeaning to women.
Well, that's where women are wrong.
I think it's demeaning.
Oh, and here's another of them because
twat doesn't have to mean one of those.
- "One of those"?
- It only means lady parts
when you're being obscene.
- Jesus, "Obscene"?
- Yeah.
- When you're plumbing the depths.
- "The depths"?
The question is, do we have a joke
at the exact level of misogyny
that people associate with Douglas?
- I think we're in the right ball sack.
- Excuse me?
Er, that's like saying ballpark,
but kind of humorous.
Do you have any jokes
away from the groin area?
Not those balls.
Kind of balls you play with.
In a park.
Oh, Christ. Morgan, I think
it's time you stepped out.
And twat doesn't
have to mean lady parts.
It can mean lady parts,
or it can mean someone so stupid
that you're comparing them
to lady parts.
- How is that demeaning?
- Almost completely, I'd say.
- Morgan
-Anyway, I didn't even say twat. I said "twatter".
That's like me saying vaginer.
- Yes, it is.
- No, I said, "vaginer".
We all heard what you said.
Could you please stop saying it?
No, listen, I said "vaginer".
"Vaginer".
- "Vaginer"!
- Jesus, Toby
- Come on
- You should know how it's pronounced,
- you've probably got one.
- "Probably"?
- What are you doing?
- This is an inappropriate conversation for the workplace,
- and I'm documenting it.
- Douglas, out of here!
Out. You, too.
Dad, why was that guy
in there, the idiot?
He's not an idiot.
He's a comedy writer.
Why do you need help with the joke?
Is he making up a joke for you?
Why can't you just tell the truth?
Because I work in television.
Because this is
a television news studio,
and the truth needs
a little help now and then.
Because between you and me,
our audience
wouldn't understand the truth
even if we had the guts to tell it
or knew what it was in the first place.
Don't worry, I've had a word
with that bitch who was videoing,
she's back in her lesbian box.
She'll be no trouble.
- Her what box?
- It's an expression.
It really isn't.
Let me know if you need
your career saving again.
I'm here for you.
Why do you need a rehearsal anyway?
- It's just an interview.
- It's practise.
In case anyone wants to ask
Dad about the joke at the wedding.
- Have you told them you can't remember it?
- Yes. Yes.
Well, how much practise
do you need saying that?
Maybe you should go home?
I'd rather watch.
I can watch, can't I?
Madeline invited me.
- Fine by me.
- This is not a suitable place for
What I mean to say is your
father has to concentrate.
- Best not, Claudia.
- I'm staying.
I can stay, right?
Sure. Just not
in my eye line, okay?
- Or your father's.
- No, it's fine.
You sit where I can see you.
No problem.
My daughter?
Every dirty trick.
Okay.
Okay.
No cuts.
We go straight through,
whatever happens.
- I agree.
- I didn't ask.
So can I just reiterate
naming actual names
even in this context,
would be, I think, unwise.
As I said, no one's going to get named.
- Good.
- No one outside this room.
- So, are you ready?
- I'm ready.
Douglas?
Ready.
Right.
Okay. Jenn, turnover.-
Cue.
Cue Madeline.
Cue Kirsty.
Douglas, how could you so
conveniently forget the details
of your first meeting
with Madeline Crow?
I didn't forget.
I was lying.
Oh.
- You're happy to admit that.
- Of course I admit it.
I elected not to lend credence
to a malicious piece of gossip
about Madeline Crow
sleeping with my producer,
and I'm surprised you expect me to.
But you told that exact story
at the wedding.
No, I didn't,
Patrick Harland says I did.
Or at any rate, you say he said I did.
Maybe he's lying.
Maybe you're lying.
I'm not.
Read it out.
Read what out?
The email, Patrick's.
Because, you see, I'm starting to
think there's nothing actually in it.
Read it out, please.
The relevant passage is this,
"I can confirm that, Douglas
Bellowes told a highly misogynist story
"at the wedding
about a colleague of his,
"but I don't feel comfortable
relating the details".
And there he goes, backing
away, caught out in a lie.
Well, thanks for the chance
to clear that up, Kirsty.
Can we talk about my charity work now?
I don't actually do any charity work,
but seeing as we're just
making shit up anyway-
Jenn? Now, please.
Everyone's a camera crew now.
There's a whole Facebook page
of video footage from that wedding.
You're in about two thirds of it,
seeing as you were
the only celebrity there.
Before you completely deny
telling that story,
shouldn't you check if there's a video?
There isn't a video
because it never happened
because drunk or sober,
I would never tell that story
because, Kirsty, it isn't true.
- You don't remember though
- And you don't have a recording
or you would have played it already.
Now, what about my charity work?
Can we move on to my campaign
to save the blue gibbon?
Is there such a thing as a blue gibbon,
or am I already too late?-
There's bound to be more footage
than's been posted so far.
It could show up anytime.
Well, let me know if there's
any more of my dancing.
- I'm sure Claudia would be happy.
- Yeah.
Because that's all you're gonna find.
You sound very confident.
That's because I am very confident.
Do you mind if I put
your confidence to the test?
Because I have a tweet ready to go here.
"Please post any footage
you have of Douglas Bellowes
"and his sexist joke
at recent wedding."
Are you happy for me to post that?
- I I Is that real?
- No cutting. Keep it flowing.
Yeah. I think
maybe we should stop.
Jenn, do not cut!
It's all about flow speed, Toby!
It's okay, Toby.
It's fine.
This is just a rehearsal.
No, cut, cut now Are you
actually gonna tweet that?
No, it's just a rehearsal.
Kirsty, can I ask,
is this how you
normally conduct interviews?
- Asking questions?
- Posting on Twitter.
Does that mean you're not
happy for me to post this?
It means appealing to a
Twitter mob is not journalism.
Do you think of your audience as a mob?
No, I said Twitter.
Not my audience.
Who follows you on Twitter
except your audience?
Oh, for Christ's sake!
Okay. I think maybe
- we should stop for a while.
- No!
- She's winding you up.
- No, she's trying to.
She's succeeding.
You're getting angry,
- you need to stop and calm down.
- No.
Do it.
Well, what are you waiting for?
Do it. Press send.
It's a
It's a popular thread on Twitter.
We might get an answer quite fast.
Hmm, will you, though?
Because, you see you've
already done the research,
you've already asked
all those questions.
So what difference is asking
them again gonna make?
I suppose we'll have to see.
Well?
- Well, what?
- On you go.
- You now.
- Me?
Most of the people at that wedding
were your friends and family.
They might be reticent about
posting a video of you drunk.
You know that, of course, that's, you
know, probably why you're so confident.
But if you give your blessing,
that will probably encourage them.
Unless you don't want to.
Okay. I think we should
definitely stop now.
Do you want to stop, Douglas?
Do you have a reason to stop?
- Mum, it's okay.
- Claudia, you don't understand.
- Please
- Mum, don't interfere.
Dad and I had a conversation.
This is all fine.
Isn't it, Dad?
What am I supposed to say?
Anything you want to say.
- Douglas
- I'm fine.
It's just a rehearsal.
How about this?
Please post any video evidence
of my unprofessional conduct.
Enough?
With my blessing.
With my blessing.
- Hashtag "totalconfidence".
- Fine.
Actually, that was a joke.
No, I don't mind.
You know what your trouble is?
You're forgetting something.
I've been at this over 30 years.
I know what I'm doing.
I know when my mic is live.
I know when there's a camera on me
And you can take it from me, Madeline,
total confidence, cast-iron guarantee,
no one was recording me
when I told that story.
What story?
The specific one
you can't remember telling?
So
Getting my head around this.
You didn't tell that story.
You don't remember telling any story,
but you remember
checking for cameras first?
- I I misspoke.
- Oh, you misspoke.
Didn't you just.
Let's just summarise
what we've established.
You did tell a sexist story
about your colleague.
You remember doing so perfectly well,
and you've been lying about it to
everyone, including your own family,
out of shame at your own conduct.
Cut.
We're done.
Can I just clarify something?
Nobody actually
tweeted anything, correct?
Christ, is that what
you're worrying about?
If we start stirring up this
situation, it becomes very difficult
to put the genie back in the bottle.
It's a rehearsal.
My phone doesn't even
get a signal down here.
Ask Douglas.
I always have to borrow his.
Christ You didn't.
You didn't. You didn't.
You didn't.
Douglas!
Fuck!
Thank, Jenn, we won't
be needing you now.
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Fuck! Fuck!
It was a rehearsal!
Fuck!
Fuck!
Delete it!
For fuck's sake, just delete it!
Why? What for?
What does it matter?
He doesn't need to, Mum.
It's okay.
Claudia, enough!
Delete it!
For Christ's sake, there is
no footage. There can't be.
No footage of the joke you didn't tell?
Of any joke!
Of any joke I might have told.
I always check if I'm on camera.
Claudia, I don't remember
what joke I told,
but whatever it was, it was harmless,
- and it was not on camera.
- Okay.
- Do you believe me?
- Yes. I do, yes.
It's already being retweeted.
- Really, do you?
- I believe you.
Bloody retweeted everywhere.
- Claudia?
- Dad, I believe you.
Hashtag, "totalconfidence".
You know what?
I'm retweeting it, too.
No, Claudia.
No, no, no. Stop!
He's not lying.
He doesn't lie to me.
Was this on purpose?
Did you know what you were doing?
I knew exactly what I was doing.
I was rehearsing.
It was your husband who got confused.
Okay. What we need to do,
we need to close this down
Shut up. Just shut up.
Everybody just shut up!
Let me explain what's
going to happen now,
in case anyone is stupid
enough not to understand.
The story changes from "Did Douglas tell
a dodgy joke" to "Who has the footage"?
If no one shows up, it
becomes "Who heard the joke"?
The only question left
is which of your friends
you spoke to at the wedding
will throw you under the bus first.
If you told that story
it's coming out, Douglas.
It's coming out.
Listen, listen.
Just listen to me.
Don't speak. Don't speak.
Don't say anything.
We're going home now.
Tell me what you said about me.
Tell me how you made them laugh.
He doesn't remember what he said,
and anyway, it wouldn't
have been that bad.
- Claudia.
- He doesn't lie to me!
Everybody lies.
Including your dad.
Not to me.
Why would he lie to me?
Because he's ashamed.
Why are you doing this?
What good does this do anyone?
Tell me what you said at the wedding.
Go on, tell me.
Because you know what?
Despite what Toby thinks,
despite what your wife thinks,
it doesn't matter.
If you told a story, pissed
at a wedding among friends,
no one's going to tweet about that.
They haven't so far,
and they very probably won't.
Was that the only time
you told that story?
I mean, I know you. You and your
stories, you like to repeat them, yeah?
But, hey, if it was only
a couple of times
among friends, that's still fine.
No one will say anything.
I'm pretty sure.
Of course, if it was more than that,
I dunno, 10, 20 times,
then that could be a problem.
If it was part
of your regular repertoire,
if it was, like, 30 times
when you were drinking
and you didn't always check
who was listening,
well then there's a good chance
that story is going
to turn up on Twitter.
If that is the case, Douglas,
I'd really appreciate hearing
what you said, right now,
from your own lips.
Douglas
do you need to tell me anything?
- He doesn't remember.
- Claudia, we're going home
He doesn't remember what he said.
Douglas, do you need
to tell me anything?
Oh, for God's sake,
it's it's nothing.
It's no big deal.
- Okay.
- It's just
It's It's not even a story.
It's just a line.
What was the line?
Well, sometimes Okay.
It's just sometimes people ask me,
when did I first know you were
gonna be such a big star?
And what do you say?
I suppose what I say usually
I reply when I found you
in my boss's hotel room.
It's just a joke.
It's just Just a line.
I see.
Thank you for clarifying.
What is being implied here,
whatever it is,
I would absolutely like to
Fuck off!
Seriously, just fucking shut up!
Claudia, you okay?
Look, this This is just
one of those things
I have a question.
Do I get to ask questions, too?
- By all means.
- Oh.
You just made me
self-destruct on Twitter.
- No.
- No?
The thing about self-destruction,
it's not something
you can blame on someone else.
- The clue's in the wording.
- Why me?
Why am I the one
being punished for this?
- He was the one who did it.
- I did nothing.
- You're the one who did it with him.
- Nothing happened
None of this has anything to do with me.
Now, look. Absolutely untrue
allegations are being made here.
Before this thing gets out of control
I'm not making any allegations. I'll
deny any allegations anyone else makes.
He's just some drunk telling stories.
Getting crossed about
his co-star being more popular.
You're fine.
- Don't worry about it.
- You're protecting him.
I'm protecting myself.
I don't want that story out.
Why would I want that?
You do understand somewhere inside that
twisted little head of yours
that none of this was my fault.
Whatever he did to you, he did it!
Not me. Him. I'm not him.
I'm not remotely like him!
Oh, sure, I know that.
Of course I do. He's an
arsehole. He's a monster.
Madeline, there's no call
for any kind of
Oi, Toby, newspaper, remember?
Anything you say will be taken down
and may be used in evidence to
destroy your entire fucking existence.
So shut it!
Of course, you're not like
Toby, but that's nothing special.
You don't get an award
for not being shitty.
The world is full of men, not like Toby.
I truly believe that.
There are whole armies out there
of men not like Toby.
But here's the thing.
Here's the question.
If there are so many of you,
where are you?
Where the hell are you all the time?
In your case, turning
around and walking away,
and thinking of jokes,
you can tell your mates
If you were raped, phone the police.
If you slept with someone to get a job,
and now you're feeling bad about it,
phone your mum or your best friend
or someone who can give
a shit long enough to listen.
But first, explain to me
why this was my fault?
Who said I slept with him?
- Oh, stop it. I know you did.
- How? Because I got the job?
You were
You were in his room.
And? So? What did that tell you?
You walked away.
You left us alone.
How do you know what happened next?
I knew what was gonna happen.
I saw it in your face.
- Saw what in my face?
- Anyone would have known it.
- How?
- You looked terrified.
Yeah. Terrified.
I was
I was terrified
and you saw that
I was terrified and you just
turned your back and you walked away.
I knew.
The moment I heard you
were telling stories at a wedding,
I just knew
I knew it was a story about me.
You were making them all laugh
at me.
Him, I can take.
I hate him, but he's
hardly worth the effort.
But you
You
You were supposed to be my friend.
Yeah.
I know. I do.
But trust me, you'll be fine.
No. Friend is wrong.
Let's be precise.
You know how there's always
someone in your life
you want to impress.
Someone who lives in your head,
and you just want to be more like them.
Everyone does that. Everyone's
got someone they want to live up to.
You were mine.
Since I was seven years old
You were mine.
- I'm so
- No, don't.
Don't.
- Why did you come back?
- No reason.
I'll leave you to it.
See you soon, I hope.
I mean, good luck with it all.
Really, best of luck.
It's worth it.
Whatever shit you have to wade through,
it really is worth it.
Madeline, what the fuck?
What the fuck are you doing?
Jesus.
What the hell are you doing?
- To be clear
- Fuck!
- God!
- I'd love the job.
- Fucking ruined!
- But I'd never sleep with anyone I work with.
- What's wrong with you?
- Also, I'm out of your league so stop being ridiculous.
And to clarify.
No, no, no, no. Put that away.
- I don't believe in women's rights.
- No, put that phone away!
- Because I don't believe there's any such thing.
- No, stop!
I believe
there are human rights.-
Denying someone's human rights
isn't a reason to join movement,
or go on a march, write a book,
carry a placard
or blog about the sisterhood.
It's an act of war.
It's a reason to retaliate.
So, in every possible sense,
don't fuck with me.
There you go, Toby, robust!
We are here at the Hay Festival
talking to Madeline Crow,
who has just taken over
as lead presenter
on Live At 6
from her former colleague
Douglas Bellowes,
who I'm sure most of us know by now
resigned when a mobile phone
video went viral on social media.
I don't suppose you'd care
to comment on any of that.
No, I really wouldn't.
Ah, but it must have been very
difficult for you to hear those words
coming out of the mouth of a colleague
who you've worked with for years.
People say things. It happens.
Yes, but there have been rumours
for a very long time now
about Douglas Bellowes'
problematic attitudes.
Your appointment is seen as a
victory for women everywhere.
I thought it was a victory for me.
- Well, it is.
- Thank you.
And for all women.
Now, let's see that video
that ended Douglas Bellowes' career.
Some of you may find this offensive.
What are you doing?
This is an inappropriate conversation for
the workplace, and I'm documenting it.
Douglas, out of here!
Out. Yeah, you, too.
Okay, love, you can
switch that off right now.
That's my client out there,
and trust me, no one gets a sneaky
little video of him while I'm around.
Why do you need help with the joke?
Is he making up a joke for you?
Why can't you just tell the truth?
Because I work in television.
Because this is
a television news studio,
and the truth needs
a little help now and then.
Because between you and me,
our audience
wouldn't understand the truth
even if we had the guts to tell it
or knew what it was
in the first place.-
Don't worry, I've had a word
with that bitch who was videoing,
she's back in her lesbian box.
She'll be no trouble.
- Her what box?
- It's an expression.
It really isn't.
Let me know if you need
your career saving again.
I'm here for you.
You okay?
No.
Yeah. I'm fine.
Erm, do you mind if I do some work?
No.
Idea for sex comedy
set in TV newsroom.
Possible title
Doug