Empty Nest (1988) s01e04 Episode Script

Life goes on and so do we just how we do it is no mystery sometimes the answer can be hard to find That's something I will never be I'm always here for anything that you need rain or shine I'll be the one to share it all as life goes on we share it all as life goes on Now, here.
A cookie.
Good boy.
Oh.
There's my dreyfuss.
Ah, my dreyfuss.
Are you guarding the house? Ooh, I pity the poor intruder who tries to get in here.
Oh, what a day, dreyf.
I just want to collapse in bed.
Oh, my.
Oh, ho ho.
Oh.
I am shot.
Absolutely shot.
I am so glad to be home.
Hello, Harry.
Blanche, you almost gave me a heart attack.
What are you doing here? How did you get in? I used the key you gave us for emergencies.
This is not an emergency.
Oh, yes, it is, Harry.
I've been going crazy, Harry, crazy.
I just think about you all the time.
I can't eat, I can't sleep.
I want you, Harry.
I want you desperately.
What am I, a rock star? And you know you want me, Harry.
I know you do.
Now, don't deny it.
I can tell.
I'm an expert.
I know men.
You want me, Harry.
You do.
And I'm yours.
Blanche, we've only had a couple of dates.
What, not even dates.
You brought food over.
It doesn't matter.
I've never felt anything like this before in all my life.
I am on fire.
My loins burn.
I ache.
I'm in pain.
It could be a bladder infection.
Oh, Harry.
Uhh! Now, blanche, blanche, listen.
I-I am very flattered, but I can't.
I mean, I just can't.
Why? What is it? Don't you like me? Don't you find me attractive? No, no, no, no, no, no, dear.
That's not it, no.
I do, I do like you, and I do find you very attractive.
It's just that, I mean, I haven't since Libby died, you know? But Libby's been dead for several months.
Get out of here.
You have waited for 18 months? Hey, well, how long did you wait after George died? Oh, well, not quite 18 months.
Not quite 18 weeks, actually.
It was almost 18 days.
The minister.
It's a long story.
Oh, but Harry, you waiting all this time just makes me want you more.
Harry, I can't live without you.
Harry? Phone, phone, phone, phone, phone, phone, phone.
Dr.
Weston.
Oh, hi, Charlotte.
Oh, dear, I'm sorry.
When? Uh-huh.
Yes, dear.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Uh, look.
Why don't I come over? No, no, no, dear, it's fine.
No, I'll I'll be right there.
Charlotte? You're gonna leave me for someone named Charlotte? Her husband, one of my oldest friends, just died a few minutes ago.
Sweet Jesus, she works even faster than I do.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, I'm going over there to just try to console her.
Oh, well, I am sorry, Harry.
Well, no, no, I mean, we we knew he was dying.
He'd been sick for a very long time, and yet he fought real hard.
Well, is there anything I can do? No, no, no, no, no.
Nothing at all.
Thank you very much.
Good night, blanche.
I wonder if I came on too strong.
What are you doing here? I let myself in.
Daddy, do you want some lunch? No, I don't think so, honey.
I wouldn't mind a bite.
Why so glum, guys? Somebody die? Yes.
Oh, that's a drag.
Who? Oh, an old friend, Otto bacon.
Bacon.
What a name.
I hope it died with him.
So, did they serve food at the funeral or are we gonna eat here? They had a salad bar and a place to make your own sundaes.
No kidding.
Charley, haven't you ever been to a funeral? Yeah.
And did you see waiters? Silverware? Well, the only funeral I ever went to was my father's, and it was episcopalian, and you know them.
They never have food anywhere.
Just tweeds and cocker spaniel.
Anyway, it was so depressing.
I left early and I never went to another one.
Charley, people are sad at funerals.
I guess.
Well, Otto's funeral was very nice.
Exactly the kind I want.
I can't stand this.
I can't stand dying.
I cannot stand death.
Here you go.
I brought you food.
I know about grieving.
I lost my husband and my French poodle.
Grieving makes you hungry.
Here you have Southern fried chicken, sweet potato pudding, and key lime pie.
The faster you mourn, the faster it'll be over.
See you tonight.
Well, she's poisoning you.
What are you talking about? That food is full of fat, cholesterol, and sugar.
Daddy, you can't eat like this anymore.
It'll kill you.
Are you dating her? She thinks so.
She just keeps on coming over with food.
I don't know.
Last night, I came home and I found her in my bedroom.
With who? Alone, waiting for me.
What did you do? Well fortunately the phone rang, and Otto had died.
Well, not fortunately.
Not that Otto, died, just that the timing was good.
We get those cases.
People get obsessed with someone.
It can get pretty weird.
We read about it all the time.
"Rejected woman cuts up boyfriend and leaves body in three states.
" That's why I never let a girl know where I live.
They can't find me, they can't trace me.
Are you kidding? Well, you saw that movie, fatal attraction? I don't need some crazed broad leaving dead rabbits in my kitchen and trying to kill me.
After I saw that movie, I even stopped using my real name.
Sometimes I speak with a foreign accent.
Well, good-bye, my friends.
See you around.
You're late.
Room one, sore throat and green stuff.
Room two, sprained ankle.
Room three, earache.
Room four, a complete lunatic.
I suggest you check that one first.
She claims she's your intended, uh-huh.
Oh, god.
Blanche.
You know, it's crazy to promise to marry 'em.
These days, they'll drop their bloomers for a plate of pasta or a glass of the house red.
Hello, Harry.
Hi.
Hi, blanche.
Hi.
- Doctor, I'm sick.
- Blanche.
Sick to death in love.
Blanche, I have patients to see.
But I am a patient, Harry.
I have something right here I'd like you to take a look at.
No.
Now, now, listen.
I-I-I'm a I'm a pediatrician.
I only see children.
I've had this since I was a child.
Blanche.
Please, dear.
Now, look.
Be reasonable.
It's destiny, Harry.
It is.
True destiny.
The fact is, it's quite simple.
I will not have a life without you.
And you will not have a life without me.
Blanche, listen to me now.
Please, listen to me.
What you're going through right now, it's not unusual.
It's what we call an obsession.
It will pass.
You see, you don't really love me.
You just think you love me.
- Ha ha! - Ha ha! Blanche, I'm not a good catch.
I'm not.
I work constantly.
You would never see me.
I never see me.
Sometimes I look in the mirror, I think I have company.
It doesn't matter.
Whenever I'd see you, it would be enough.
And after we're married, i oh, blanche! You you would hate that because I have some very disgusting personal habits.
- I snore.
- That's adorable.
A wet snore.
I sound like a person drowning in gravy.
Excuse me, but I think we have a fulminating Anthrax lepatitis familius in room one.
No! I'm afraid so.
Are you sure? - Is it bad? - Oh, it's terrible.
Blanche, you have to go.
Please, dear, I'm sorry, but - Oh, of course.
- No, this is a life.
Oh, you're gonna save a life? God, I love you.
Anthrax leptococcus? Lepatitis, doctor.
Nice ring to it, huh? Oh, it fooled me.
I mean, I-i got worried that I missed that day in med school.
Oh, Laverne, I-i-i-i don't know what to do with blanche.
She's obsessed with me.
I don't know what to do.
Reminds me of a problem we had back home with maybelle and elk.
Maybelle and elk? Why is it that you people name everybody as if they were animals? They were animals.
Maybelle was a cow, elk was an elk.
Maybelle belonged to abner Caldwell.
Claimed he's related to erskine Caldwell, the writer? Something I personally would never claim, even if it was true.
But I do know he's definitely related to chick Caldwell, the chicken farmer.
Anyway, this here elk, he fell in love with maybelle, and maybelle couldn't have cared less.
She wouldn't even look at him.
He tried everything.
He broke down the fence.
He knocked over trees.
He broke into the barn, trying to get to maybelle.
He wouldn't sleep.
He wouldn't eat.
It was dreadful.
Sounds like blanche, except for the tree part.
Maybe you should do to blanche what they did to elk.
What? Shoot her with a tranquilizer gun and move her to yellowstone.
Buh buh Carol, what are you doing here? I am making you a healthy breakfast.
Oat bran muffins No sugar, no butter And an omelet using eggwhites only.
I want your cholesterol under 160.
Carol, this is getting crazy.
Last night, I found this on my pillow.
"George Lazar, 52, suddenly.
Husband of Harriet, father of Amy.
" And then, on the bathroom mirror, "buddy Webster, 56, peacefully, in his sleep.
" Carol, I don't know these people.
They're dead.
I figured.
And they were all around your age.
And that is just one day and one newspaper.
Carol, millions of people die every day.
I know this.
I'm a doctor.
So, what's the point? The point is, you don't know.
If you really knew you'd die, you would do something about it.
Carol, we're all going to die.
I'm going to di don't say that.
Never say that.
If you say it, you can make it happen.
Spit on the floor.
- What? - Spit! If you talk about death, you have to spit so that it doesn't get you.
Oh, I see.
Only don't you think maybe we should call a hospital about this spitting thing? We could save a lot of people with this.
I can not take another death, especially yours.
Now, I'm going upstairs to your closet and remove all the plastic dry cleaner bags because you could suffocate in them.
Carol, you do that for babies.
Please, you could be in your closet, picking out something to wear, have a stroke, and as you fall, you grab for a plastic bag, which lands on your face and you suffocate in it before help comes.
Oh, and I've decided to move in while I get you good and healthy.
Don't talk with food in your mouth.
You can inhale a crumb ad choke to death.
Hey, where the hell is Kim basinger? You said Kim basinger on the today show, and that's not Kim basinger.
That's kissinger.
And I woke up early, damn it.
I'd never wake up for kissinger.
- Hey, Harry.
- Hi, Charley.
What are you doing here? I just had to get out of the house.
I've got two women driving me nuts.
One's obsessed with my body, the other one's obsessed with my death.
Who? Blanche and Carol.
Which one's obsessed with your body? Think a minute.
Right.
I had to come over here just to get away.
Well, can I fix you something? A little breakfast? Oh, well, thank you.
That that would be great.
I mean, I don't know I don't know what to do.
The two of them won't leave me alone, and Carol just announced she's moving in for a while.
And blanche, blanche is totally obsessed with me.
She's over at the house all the time.
I don't know what to do.
Are you asking me for advice? Well, yeah.
You know, people never ask me for advice.
They think I'm stupid and insensitive, especially broads.
Okay, this is my advice.
Tell them to get the hell out of there.
Just like that? Or move.
Charley, this is all miniature food.
It's from the ship.
Look.
Little cheese and crackers.
Little nuts.
Little vodka.
Little orange marmalade.
And a little plastic fork and knife.
It's great, huh? Who visits you, the seven dwarfs? It's terrific if you live alone.
I have little lotions, little soaps, little shampoos.
Handi-wipe? Hi, daddy.
Uh-huh.
Carol, sit down.
I'm just making a shopping list.
Sit! Now, listen to me and do not interrupt.
It is a fact of life, honey.
We die, and there's nothing we can do about that.
You can move in, but you can't save me.
You can watch me morning, noon, and night, and still one day, while you're staring at me, something will burst in my brain or my heart or my lungs, and nothing you do can stop it.
It's just the way it is, and your vigil won't help.
It will only stop your life.
It will not lengthen mine.
It's just so hard.
I know, but until you accept it, until you know you die, you will never live.
I hate it.
Well, what can we do? We live, we die.
Know it, and then use your time well.
It certainly makes working on my thighs idiotic.
There you go.
Now, get your stuff.
You are not moving in.
My bags are in the car.
I hadn't even brought them in yet.
Thank you.
I hope it's this easy with blanche.
What? I have to tell her I don't want to see her anymore.
She's just obsessed with me.
Daddy, you are a single, attractive doctor.
Blanche is not getting any younger, and she's getting desperate.
I know the feeling.
She sees you as her last chance.
You really think so? Absolutely.
So what do I do? Tell her.
Tell her it's not love, it's desperation.
Tell her? Or marry her.
'Night, daddy.
Leaving? Yes.
Caviar.
Full of cholesterol.
You might as well put krazy glue in your aorta.
Enjoy.
Blanche, sit down.
Sit! Blanche, this is not love.
I know.
It is beyond love.
There are no words for it.
No, dear, no, there are words for it.
It is over.
It is finished.
I am breaking up with you.
Oh, no, you're not, Harry.
You're just a little overwhelmed by the strength of our feelings, that's all.
The feelings are not of love.
They are strong, these feelings, but they are not love.
Oh, then what are they? - Desperation.
- Desperation? Desperation.
Blanche, look, at our age our ag I beg your pardon? I was not even a twinkle in my father's eye when you were in high school.
That's true.
I that's true.
What what What I meant to say was, at our general age, anywhere from 40 to 60, we we figure we have to find someone quick because we're running out of time.
Now, I can understand that for me, that desperation, but you, blanche, you're so Young.
You don't need to be desperate.
I mean, you've got the world at your feet.
I see the way men look at you.
I don't think I can take it.
Well, what can I do about it, Harry? Nothing.
Nothing at all.
Blanche, face it.
You are a spectacular example of woman.
I know.
And I'm afraid that, you know, you're just too much woman for me.
And plus, there is the age difference.
Yeah, well, I see what you mean.
You are a lot of woman, blanche.
I know I don't have to worry the way my roommates do.
No, not at all.
I mean, that's a whole other league.
Yeah, I know it is sad.
Well, I try to play myself down, dress quietly, go unnoticed, but still, i it doesn't work.
No, you stand out.
You shine like a beacon.
It's a curse.
It always has been.
Oh, Harry.
No, you don't have to settle for me, blanche.
You really don't.
So what you're saying is, I'm too much woman for you? Yeah, it just can't work.
And you wouldn't be devastated by the loss? Oh, well, it would hurt.
But you'd understand? Of course I'd understand.
I'd have to.
I mean, I see what's in front of me.
I see a beautiful young woman.
Harry, you are so wonderful.
And I'm just so sorry to be hurting you like this.
But you'll get over me.
Not entirely, but you'll be able to have a life someday.
I hope so.
You have taken this so well.
I will never forget you.
Goodbye, Harry.
Oh.
Oh.
Sure.
Dreyfuss, we are alone at last.
Let's go eat something bad for us.