Evening Shade s01e04 Episode Script

Evening Shade Edge of the glade Not much to do Ain't we got it made? The cool porch swing and some lemonade This is Arkansas At its best In Evening Shade.
It's morning in Evening Shade, the start of Sadie Hawkins Week, where the senior football players are required, by time-honored tradition, to battle their coaches in a week-long war of practical jokes.
Wood Newton loves any sort of competition, but when it comes to Sadie Hawkins Week he is a man possessed.
Where's your brother? He's gonna be late.
He didn't like the way his hair turned out, so he's upstairs blow-drying it again.
Oh.
Poor kid.
He's so worried no one's gonna ask him to the Sadie Hawkins Dance.
What's so funny? You may not think it's funny.
"Coach Newton fired"? Yeah.
Oh, my gosh, I knew this was going to happen! So what if you lost Who cares! Bud Wilkinson lost 30 games, and then he won 250 so you're coming back! Mm.
I mean, just last week, remember? Remember the first game Last week 40 to 14.
I mean, what is their problem? You're gaining on them! It's a joke! It's a joke! Look, it's Sadie Hawkins Week.
This is the, you know, the senior football players' feeble attempt to make me mad.
And you fell for it.
No, I didn't! Yes, you did.
No, I-I didn't fall for it.
I was just playing along with you.
Oh.
Let me see.
How did they do that? It's a fake headline.
I know you love this.
It wouldn't do me any good to ask you not to retaliate, huh? Well, I know it's a little immature, but retaliation is part of the tradition.
What's a tradition? It's where you do things because that's the way it's always been.
Um, like in those old African tribes.
When you turn 13, they stretch your lips out with this big old piece of wood, and then they make you drink cow spittle.
All right, Molly, that's enough.
I'll get it! Are you absolutely positive this is a prank? I'm positive.
You know, I have a feeling that, uh, Lester Pruitt is behind this.
How do you know? Oh, just a wild guess.
This headline here "Lester Pruitt to marry Kim Basinger.
" Dad, Mr.
Stiles wants to talk to you out on the front porch.
He says it's important.
Why didn't you ask him in? Oh, I did but he won't come.
He says he wants to talk to Dad outside, man-to-man.
Man-to-man well, I guess that works out all right.
We both are one.
No, it's a joke.
Aah Morning, Herman.
What's the problem? Deceit and treachery.
The problem is, somebody who I thought was a friend of mine stabbing me in the back.
Boy, that's a lot of problems for 7:15 in the morning.
I may not know that much about football It's true I thought a split "T" was some kind of French panty.
Well, it's an honest mistake.
No, don't try to smooth it over it's a fact, when it comes to football, I may be dumb as a box of hair, and you may have every right in the world to find yourself a new assistant.
The least you could've done, though, was told me I was fired! Instead of this.
Oh.
Well, I have some more bad news for you.
What? Lester Pruitt didn't invite you to the wedding, either.
What? Yeah.
What the heck is going on out there? Somebody forgot to turn the hot water on.
Payback time! Yeah! I was thinking about loading up their jockstraps with Ben-Gay.
Teach 'em to mess with us.
I think we can do better than that.
Well, hey, teach me.
I'm new at all this.
Mm.
I mean, nobody ever asked me if I wanted to jam into a phone booth with 20 other people.
Or light a sack full of dog doo-doo and put it on somebody's porch, make 'em stomp it out and get it all over their feet.
I never was part of the in crowd.
You probably did stuff like that all the time.
Well, I did things on a little higher plane than that.
Like what? I was down in Florida, caught a barracuda, brought it back and put it in the municipal pool.
Stop it! Some friends of mine, we rolled up this snowball it got to be 400 pounds.
Well, we froze it, took it up on top of this mountain outside of Fayetteville, pushed it off, took out an entire International House of Pancakes.
Y'all played big, didn't you? Yeah, we did.
My wife doesn't understand she thinks I'm immature.
Silly woman.
Mm.
Well, I've got a reputation to live up to.
I'm telling you something, Herman, this next one has got to be a classic, you know? It's got to be so big that we become immortal.
Like Sissy Spacek in Carrie.
Bigger.
I know how to make a bomb.
That could be too big.
I like your spirit, though.
I'll get back to you with the details.
No, wait, hold it.
You ain't gonna tell me now? You got me all keyed up.
You're gonna be the first to know.
All right! Whatever it is, just remember, I'm with you all the way.
Herman.
What? Just remember, don't let the seniors fool you.
You kidding? The day hasn't come when they can fool Herman Stiles.
You know, with the Sadie Hawkins Dance being at Grandpa's lodge and all, it's a shame I won't be going.
I hate the Sadie Hawkins Dance, waiting around for some girl to ask you out it's stupid.
I'm sure all the other girls thought Jennifer was going to ask you, and that's why no one's called.
Hello? Just a second.
It's for you, and it's a girl.
It's your lucky day.
All right, I knew Jennifer would call.
Hey.
Well, I I checked my calendar, and, uh, you can take me to the dance if you want.
Hey, take it easy.
Jen? Who? Well, no, no, yeah, yeah, sure, I remember you.
Oh, no, wait, no, don't hang up.
Don't Hey, hey! I can't believe it she hung up.
Well, she's probably just excited you know Jennifer.
Mom, it wasn't Jennifer.
Who was it? I just made a date to the dance with Marge the Barge.
Who? Uh, Marge Mayfield.
Except everyone calls her Marge the Barge.
I got to call her back.
Wait-wait a minute.
Mary Mayfield's daughter? I never see her at the dances.
She never goes.
So why is she going to this one? Well, because at the Sadie Hawkins Dance, they crown Daisy Mae and Li'I Abner, and she sort of got nominated to be Daisy Mae.
Mm-hmm.
So in other words, a bunch of smart-aleck boys decided to, uh, nominate a girl who's not that attractive, thereby totally humiliating her, huh? Well, no, we just thought it'd be funny.
You're grounded for a week.
Why?! Mom, come on, what is it with this Marge person? I mean, it's like she's got some kind of hold over you! Have you ever seen pictures of me when I was 12 or 13? No.
Because I tore them all up.
See, I had a cute little nickname then.
I was Chubby Evans.
Come on, you used to be fat? Yeah.
I used to be fat.
I mean, now I know it was puberty and losing my mom, but then I was just trying to fill up this empty place inside of me.
Mostly with Twinkies.
I can't believe you used to be a porker.
It's true.
But I was still the same sweet, wonderful, fantastic, intelligent person that you know today, okay? My point is that you judge people by what's inside of them and not by how good they look in biker shorts.
Hello? Hey, Jen, how you doing? Oh, you're inviting me? Well, hey, it's a little late, but, you know, sure, I'd love to go.
Oh.
But, uh The truth is, I already have a date.
Hello? Thanks for asking.
Mom, please! One of your class candidates needs an escort.
She asked, and you accepted.
As far as I'm concerned, that's the end of it.
Oh Hi, Herman.
Good Lord, Coach, somebody could've snuck up on you with no trouble at all.
During the Battle of Sadie Hawkins Week, the most important thing is to stay alert.
Right.
Don't worry, though I scouted out the area on my way over here.
No sign of the enemy.
Be careful, though a lot of giggling going on in the locker room.
Thank you.
This thing is working out better than I thought.
This could be the plan of the century.
You remember Barbara Jean Moody? Can't say that I do.
A student of mine last year she's a freshman now over at Arkansas State.
Hold it you didn't tell me this was gonna involve coeds.
I had Barbara Jean ask 'em to a party Saturday night at her sorority house.
I follow you.
Okay.
There's two things a teenage boy cannot resist.
One is an out-of-town party, and the other is an older woman.
Is this beautiful or what?! I don't follow you anymore.
They pull all these disgusting tricks on us, and we're gonna send them to a party? No, no.
It's bait, Herman.
Bait for the trap.
You know.
Oh.
Now, Mack Taylor down at the bank, he gave me two security canisters.
Security canisters? Security canisters are what the bank tellers put in with the money if they're ever robbed so when the bank robbers open it up, it explodes and bap! they get red dye all over 'em.
Now you're talking.
Now, Barbara Jean has asked them to a toga party.
A what? A toga party.
O- Oh, yeah, like-like in that movie Animal House.
Yeah, right.
So she says, "There's a box of sheets over there," see? So they have to strip down.
They strip down to their skivvies, they go over and they touch that box, and bam! Well, what happens? Guess.
Security canisters explode.
Yes.
Covers them with indelible red dye from head to foot.
Yep! They have to walk around the high school with evidence of their defeat all over 'em.
Yeah! Everybody's gonna know! Everybody's gonna know in the Battle of Sadie Hawkins Week Stiles and Newton ruled! It's devious.
It's diabolical.
It's us.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Anything I can do to help you out? No, I got things pretty well worked out.
Going over to Jonesboro tomorrow and deliver those canisters.
I'll probably do it after school tomorrow.
Wait a second.
Don't you think I ought to go with you? Somebody's gonna have to ride shotgun.
I can't think of anyone more appropriate.
Yes! That is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen.
I know, and it's been here all day.
Wood said that they'll haul it away as soon as the sheriff finds out who left it.
Well, that shouldn't be too hard.
I can tell you exactly by looking at it what the proud owner is like.
Oh! He's a man whose favorite ensemble is bib overalls with no shirt.
Ooh, he drives a except he always has brand-new mud flaps with silver outlines of naked women on them.
Oh, he firmly believes that getting married to anybody more distant than a first cousin is betrayal of his kinfolk.
So I'm gonna go make sure this doesn't get in the paper.
Okay.
Wood Newton, if I was Ava, you'd be sleeping in that thing tonight.
Rita, if you were Ava, I'd prefer sleeping in this thing tonight.
You know, maybe I'm losing my sense of humor, but I don't want an outhouse on our front porch.
Between these juvenile stunts and Taylor's trying to get out of his date, I wish I'd never heard of Sadie Hawkins Week.
He went for the Oscar this morning.
He said that the cafeteria food gave him stomach poisoning.
And what did you do? I told him that Harlan had this stomach pump that would suck everything out his system except the vital organs.
Perked him right up.
Now what? I tripped and fell down the stairs.
I'm pretty sure it's not broken, but it's a pretty bad sprain.
Let me make something perfectly clear to you, son.
You can go up on top of the roof right now and just fling yourself right off.
You could land right here and break every bone in your body.
You can land on a nest of 1,000 hornets, but you're going to that dance, pal, even if you go in a full body cast.
Have you got it? Why do you guys want to see me humiliated? We don't.
We just want to see you do what's right.
Well, sure, that's easy for you to say.
I mean, you guys aren't the ones that's gonna be razzed.
Razzing helps you grow up.
Sure.
When were you ever humiliated? I'm humiliated every Friday night at the football stadium.
Hi, Marion.
How you doing? Hi.
Howdy, Wood.
Howdy, Miss Ava.
Uh, Wood, I'd like to talk at your boy a minute if I could? Oh, sure.
This is Taylor.
How you doing, Taylor? Hi.
Uh, I'm Marion Mayfield, Margie's daddy.
Now, son, I know that Margie has asked you to go to some kind of dance, and well, I just dropped by here to tell you that if you ain't a- really gonna go, I'd appreciate you telling me now, 'cause to tell you the truth, that little ol' gal's had her feelings hurt a couple of times, and I've had just about as much of that as I can stand.
You mean, uh? I mean, if you're gonna bail out, you just tell me now, and I'll, I'll go on back and tell her you got sick or something.
Well, I was feeling kind of bad.
Yeah.
But I'm feeling better now.
Huh? 'Course I-I don't have my license yet.
But it's Sadie Hawkins, so Margie would be taking me.
That mean you're going? Yes, I'm going.
Well.
Well, well, well.
Then I guess I'll get on back and clean up the truck.
You are a right smart fella, ain't you? Not at all like your daddy out there losing all them football games.
Tell you what, Wood.
I think you got yourself a good 'un here.
By the way, when y'all get through with that outhouse, I'd appreciate you bringing it back to me.
Well, I guess that there's no getting out of it now.
I might as well go get ready.
Did you see what I just saw? Yeah.
Well, he's got my genes.
Speaking of jeans, I gotta go get changed because Herman and I are going over to Jonesboro to deliver something.
Yeah, I know.
You and your stupid tricks.
Well, just so you know, I've got a very busy night, so I'm not crazy about having to come to a hospital or identify your bodies.
You're a hard woman.
You want me to wait up for you? No, I want you lying down.
Thanks for the playhouse! So, Margie, how you doing? I am great.
I'm sorry I stepped on your foot.
That's okay.
Uh, it was, it was really my fault.
I- I was offbeat.
I think those boys are trying to get your attention.
Who, them? I don't pay any attention to them.
They're always razzing me.
Let's play with their minds, huh? How? Let's dance closer.
Really? Sure, it'll totally confuse them.
It'll just be our little joke, okay? Oh, okay.
Don't take me back I think I Excuse me.
If the Daisy Mae candidates would line up with their escorts, I, as class president, will announce the winner.
This year's Daisy Mae is Margie Mayfield.
Yeah, Margie! Whoo-hoo! Give me a real kiss, okay? Well, I Hey, lover boy, your dad's on the phone.
Says it's important.
Hello? Hi, son.
Herm and I had a little car trouble.
I need you to pick us up at Ray's Truck Stop outside of Hoxie.
You know where that is? Uh, no, but I can probably find it.
But, Dad, there's just one problem.
What's that? I don't have a license.
Yeah, I knew that.
But, uh, but Margie could take me in her truck.
Oh, yeah, that's great.
Taylor, don't tell your mother about this, okay? Yeah, okay.
'Bye.
I'm sorry, but we've got to drive down to Hoxie and pick my dad and Mr.
Stiles.
Hoxie?! I've never even driven out of town! Let's take the back roads.
Well, I still ain't got that report back in yet.
So while we're waiting, why don't you fellas tell me just exactly which little podunk bank you robbed? For the 500th time, we did not rob a bank.
You didn't find any money on us, did you? We could have stashed it.
But we didn't.
I'll admit you're a peculiar-looking gang.
I mean, the two robbers are okay, and I can even see the kid driving the getaway car, but the gal in the crown is a puzzler.
I mean, I just don't get it.
You saw my I.
D.
I'm Wood Newton, the coach over at Evening Shade.
We're checking on that.
But, boy, you sure picked a lousy alibi.
Evening Shade has lost That poor coach is the laughingstock of this whole state.
Let me try to explain that to him.
Not the practical joke story again! It's the truth.
I'm telling you we were just delivering that box of canister dyes over to That's right.
Then my daring accomplice got to messing around with them and then one of them exploded.
Benedict Arnold.
Got right in my eye.
It blinded me temporarily.
And then he drove the car off into a ditch.
Then I called my son Taylor to come pick us up, see, and, and Margie was driving the truck.
She might have been going just a little bit too fast.
As a matter of fact, I think that's what we were talking about when he popped up.
Come on, Dad.
This place is a speed trap.
I mean, her truck idles faster than that.
That's no excuse.
Well, I'm not blaming you, Margie.
I mean, I just don't want your dad to be mad at us for keeping you out.
Oh, he won't be mad.
This is the most exciting night of my whole life.
Y'all treated me so nice, I feel like a queen.
And I'm ready to do some more of that dating, too.
Well, it's the most exciting night of my life, too.
We gonna have a police record for this? If that report doesn't come back right, son, you can have your own serial number.
Wow! Wow.
Personally, I wouldn't give you a nickel for your story, but you can tell it to the judge.
Margie, you'd better call your daddy and tell him where you are.
No way! Then he'll come pick me up! I like being locked in here with you guys.
This is fun.
Want to play some more charades? Yeah! No! You know, you know, Margie, you're incredible.
If I would have had any other girl here, they'd be bawling and screaming.
But not you, you're different.
You're okay, Margie.
You're not so bad yourself.
Hey, you know, you look familiar to me.
Were you in that movie Walking Tall? Don't you worry about where I been, boy.
You worry about where you're going.
This judge we're gonna see, what time would that be? First thing in the morning.
He's over at Cummins tonight watching an execution.
Got an idea for a charade.
Ready? Movie.
Lady In Red.
No, no, no, no, no! Sissy Spacek from Carrie.
And so ends another Sadie Hawkins Week when anything can happen.
When a boy can move a little closer to becoming a man, and a man can let the little boy hidden inside leap out once again to laugh and play on the cool lawns of a place called Evening Shade.