Everybody Loves Raymond s01e04 Episode Script

- Oh, no.
- What is it? I was daydreaming and now I can't remember if I shampooed my hair or not.
So? Do it again.
I can't because if I washed already and do it again, my hair will be too fluffy.
So don't do it again.
Well, what if I didn't do it? Then it's gonna be too oily.
What? This is important.
Yeah, it's a real crisis.
You want me to call in sick for you today, Ray? I'm weird? How about the time you didn't want to go outside because you thought your haircut made your butt look fat? I'm the weird one? Hi, I'm Ray, and I live here in Long Island with my wife Debra.
She's great with the kids, the house, everything.
I don't know how she does it.
We've got a daughter Ally and twin two-year-old boys.
It's not really about the kids.
My parents live across the street.
That's right.
And my brother lives with them.
Now, not every family would go by on a conveyor belt for you but mine would, because- Everybody loves Raymond.
Yeah.
Well, all three kids are down.
Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty I am free at last.
Now it's going to be all about me.
Me, me, me.
How's it going, Fluffy? Not good.
Come on, what is this health insurance? Matching the doctor bills to the worksheets.
Who paid who, what, when.
This has to be woman's work.
Well, I'll just do some men's work: Watch a little TV and scratch myself.
Look at this.
I can't make that number out.
That could be an "i," could be a "4.
" This will have to wait until tomorrow.
- What's on, honey? - Come on.
You haven't worked on that at all.
You're missing the point.
The point is I will rub your feet.
- You've got to get this done.
- With lotions.
Come on.
I'm not even a foot person.
In fact, the whole idea of rubbing feet makes me sick.
Just shut up and rub.
That's tickling! Stop, that's tickling! Glad you're not busy.
What makes you think we're not busy, Robert? I saw you through the window.
- You were looking? - Well, I'm a cop.
It's my training.
You know, it may look like we're not busy, but Get out.
I need you to take an IQ test.
- What? - An IQ test.
I'm taking a Criminal Psychology class to make Lieutenant and I have to learn how to give an IQ test.
I think he wants me to steal third.
Have I ever asked you for anything, Raymond? You gotta get out of Mom's house.
Just forget about it.
We have to.
It's for his class.
Just keep talking.
He's almost gone.
- We'll do it, Robert.
- Three more steps.
- You'll do it? - Yeah.
Thank you so much.
This really means a lot to me.
- All right, but listen, we're not gonna- - There's no talking! I'll be testing you one-on-one for each section.
This is very important.
I have to treat you both the same.
I'm not supposed to chitchat.
And I gotta be stone-faced.
- There's a stretch.
- Again, no talking! So where do you wanna do this, Robert? I thought we could start with you in the basement, if that's all right.
- How come you didn't snap- - No talking! How bad is it? How did you do? I think I did really well.
It's pretty easy.
Give me some answers.
- I thought you didn't care.
- I don't.
- Give me some answers.
- No.
Okay.
All right.
- That's how it's gonna be? - I'm not cheating.
- What? - I'm not cheating.
- What are you doing? - No talking, Debra.
That would be the Magna Carta.
Did Debra get that? I bet Debra didn't get that one.
Who invented the cotton gin? That's easy.
Eli Wallach.
Whitney.
I meant Whitney, Robert.
Using these blocks, please reconstruct the figure in this diagram.
- I don't understand.
- You have 10 seconds.
Go! I don't understand.
These are three-dimensional blocks.
It's a two-dimensional drawing.
How am I supposed- Time.
Okay, the blocks.
I want the blocks.
That's not fair.
I want my blocks back! How'd it go? I think I aced it.
How'd you do on the blocks? That was impossible.
He didn't give me any time at all.
- Really? - Yeah.
I thought there was plenty of time.
- Hi.
Is Robert here? - He's downstairs grading us.
You see? They're not afraid to take the test.
I don't want my brain measured.
It's gotten me this far.
For some reason, your father has something to hide.
I don't believe in tests.
All they do is deal with book smarts.
They don't measure street smarts.
- And you're street-smart? - I am very street-smart.
Did I ever tell you about the time he bought seafood out of the back of a derelict's car? He was legit.
He had the prices tattooed on his body.
One bad mussel in a whole bucket.
I threw up for three weeks so you could save 79 cents? They were delicious.
You could taste the ocean.
I'm still tasting it.
- Good night.
- Hey, wait a minute.
How did it go? I believe I administered and evaluated the test correctly.
I feel I did pretty good.
Good night.
- Who cares about you? Tell us the scores.
- It's not about us, Ray.
Robert, just placate him.
Tell him the scores.
Placate: To appease, to make feel better.
The scores aren't really important.
I know that, but your brother seems- - I'm not supposed- - Tell us the scores! I'm just curious.
All right.
Raymond, you got 100.
A perfect score! That's my Raymond.
Thank God you got your mother's brains.
-100 is average.
- Average? He got that from you.
- What did I get? - You scored 115.
Yes! - Well, that's close.
- I'm sorry.
You're not close.
Fifteen points is one standard deviation.
What's that? That means that between the two of you Debra's in a whole higher class of brains.
Holy crap! Good night.
Well, I mean, they're just, you know, test scores.
It was really about Robert learning to give the test.
I didn't know he was going to learn that you're smart and I'm an idiot.
There's more than one kind of intelligence, Ray.
That's right.
There's street smarts.
Are you ready for this? Don't fall out of your chairs.
Our store is on the Internet.
Just point your browser and there I am straddling a Jet Ski.
He looks so cute in his Speedo.
I'm sorry, Ray.
I'm sure Debra knows all about the Internet but let's talk about something we can all understand.
Pizza hot.
Yeah, have your fun.
Leave him alone, Bernie.
He didn't tell you about the test so you could use it against him.
You know nothing about friendship.
Stop it.
Look, I don't care.
It's all right.
I don't care.
Can I get you something, Ray? Look, you're all out of soda.
- I am? - Yeah.
I'll go get you another one.
- You want a lemon wedge? - All right.
That'd be nice.
- I'm gonna get one, too.
- Yeah, I'll take one.
Oh, please.
Why is Ray so depressed? It was just a test.
I guess seeing in black and white that I'm smarter just blew out his self-esteem.
I'm trying to make him feel better, but nothing works.
Come on.
You had to know you were smarter.
Of course.
But I still feel guilty.
You okay? Are they looking? No.
Why? Come here.
You have gotta take this test.
- What are you talking about? - I'm talking She feels so bad for me, I got it made.
She's getting lemon in my soda.
I can't do anything.
She's doing everything for me.
Including No! Yes! When the results came in, at first I was upset because I was stupid.
Now, this is the greatest thing that ever happened.
I gotta take this test.
- I just hope I'm stupid enough.
- Don't worry.
How are you feeling? - Oh, you know.
- Here you go, honey.
Ice cream on the couch? It's my favorite.
- Nothing for you? - That was the last of it.
Sorry.
I was thinking, that health insurance has to be in tomorrow.
- Did you finish it yet? - Health insurance? You know, I want to.
I want to.
But I've just been, you know so down.
- Maybe you should- - What? This is very important, and I don't think we should trust it to somebody like me.
Fudgy.
All right.
That is it.
At first, I felt bad because you were so depressed.
But now I think you're really milking it here.
- What do you mean? - You don't think I see through this? - What do you mean? - I don't believe you, Ray.
Making me feel guilty, you little weasel.
I'm depressed again.
Listen, do the health insurance, you big fake.
"Fudgy!" Give me that.
I read that the happiest marriages are the ones where the man is smarter.
Guess who wrote that? Get the door.
That big wooden thing with the knob that's not your head.
Everything all right? I thought I saw an argument.
Stop stalking us.
- This wouldn't be about the Would it? - No.
We don't care about that.
Good, because I want you to know that I think I might have made a mistake with your test result.
Jumbled them.
What do you mean? Raymond, you were the one who scored one standard deviation higher than Debra.
What? Good night.
Well, now it's a happy marriage.
Fudgy.
No.
You had to tell your mother that you're the smarter one.
She's my mother.
If I can't tell her, who can I tell? - You told Linda.
- Absolutely not.
I would never tell Linda.
Then you told Bernie.
Who knew he'd talk to his wife? You know what? I have been holding this in all day: There is no way that you are smarter than me.
Smarter than I.
What's the name of the 18th-century poet who wrote A Modest Proposal? What's the name of the Twilight Zone where the astronauts meet the giant lady? Who's the first woman to win a Nobel Prize? How much does Mickey Rooney weigh on the moon? - What's a petit four? - What's a wedgie? When you first met me, was my hair long or short? I know one thing for sure.
It was blonde.
Oh, that wasn't you.
Well, I broke up with her then to go out with you.
I'll just sleep on the couch.
- Got you some coffee.
- Thanks.
It was short.
It was short.
I remember it was curly because it was raining out.
And it was lighter than it is now but I remember, it was short.
Oh, Ray.
No.
I took a shot.
Come on.
Why has this test got you so upset? I just thought I knew who we were.
As a couple.
You know, our strengths, our weaknesses.
Look at me.
You gotta know deep down that I'm smarter than you, don't you? If it was up to me, I'd be as dumb as a post.
But numbers don't lie.
Busy? What, Robert? You know that IQ test I gave you? Those weren't your real scores.
- What? - Whose scores were they? Well, I had to set you up.
Hey, Pop-Tart.
You set us up? I had to do it for the credit.
I couldn't tell you about it because that was part of the class.
You know, I wouldn't get the credit.
We were for credit.
The real test was about human behavior.
How a suspect would act if you messed with his self-image.
- We're not suspects.
- Of course not.
I'm gonna have to ask you a couple of questions.
What are you telling You made up the scores? Yeah.
And then you switched them around to see what would happen to us.
Yeah.
Did you turn on each other? We've been fighting for three days! I got to get that down.
I got to write a five-page paper.
- I had to sleep on the couch last night.
- That's good.
I can't believe this worked.
- You can't do this to people.
- Okay, wait, a little slower.
Wait a minute.
Let me get this straight.
So I'm not smarter than her? I'd be very surprised.
- Good morning.
- What's the matter? We took the test.
What happened? Listen, Mom, Dad, about the test results.
I think I may have jumbled them.
Maybe made a mistake with the columns.
We should talk about it over at the house.
I think I mixed them.
I don't know what I did.
Extra credit.