Everything Sucks! (2018) s01e04 Episode Script

1 ["TAKE IT LIKE A MAN" BY THE OFFSPRING PLAYING.]
[LUKE.]
Oh, God! No! [GRUNTS.]
Hold him still.
[WHIMPERS.]
- Mwah! - Let me go! Guys, I really need to go to the bathroom really, really badly.
I find this very disrespectful.
[WHIMPERS.]
- Oh, God! - [LAUGHS.]
[SCREAMS.]
Heaven knows It's like playing with fire Your life's a throw [STUDENTS LAUGHING, WOLF WHISTLING.]
[EMALINE.]
Whoo! You all look so beautiful.
What is wrong with you people? [LAUGHS.]
At least listen to what he has to say.
He's a director, you know.
[LAUGHING CONTINUES.]
Zima.
All right.
Nice.
So, I was thinking.
Well we were thinking.
Maybe all of the unfortunate things that have happened recently are actually good things.
No offense, but why spend all this time rehearsing a play that people can only watch once? Are you that excited to play parts that thousands of actors have already played? Also, Uncle Vanya kinda sucks.
- I'm killing him myself.
- Chill.
I propose I propose that A/V club and drama club join forces.
We make a movie that you guys star in.
- We can screen it for the whole town.
- [JESSICA.]
Right.
You guys saw the music video he made? It was embarrassing.
Well, that's because the three of us, we're terrible actors.
If we had real actors, we could make something cool.
I mean, something unique.
Something this town has never seen before.
[OLIVER.]
What's it about? What? The movie, o-ass-is.
What's it about? Oh, um, lots of things, right? I mean kind hard to explain it right now [NOTES PLAY.]
Indulge us.
[CHUCKLES.]
I want you all to myself Never thought I'd ever find The kind of love I'm searching for [CLEARS THROAT.]
Just relax.
Be yourself.
People like you.
[HONKS HORN.]
[MOUTHS.]
Grazie! Thank you.
- I just love this place.
- Have you ever been to Italy? Oh, no.
I wish.
[CHUCKLES.]
Have you? I have, yeah.
Actually, um, perks of the trade.
- Aha.
- I'd love to take Luke one day.
Yeah, once he's out of the jailhouse, right? The jailhouse? I just assume he's grounded.
If Kate had done what he did, she'd be grounded for a month, maybe two.
Well, you're a disciplinarian.
I don't like being the bad guy, but sometimes that's the job.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh! Molto bene! Yeah, but I just like Luke to feel like we're a team, you know? Like he can trust me as a friend.
Does he know you're out with the principal tonight? No.
But I'm a little more private when it comes to my interactions with men.
No, not that I go on a bunch of dates.
Oh, I'm surprised to hear that.
Unfortunately, most of the attention I get comes from passengers in first class, a couple drinks in, wondering if I'd like to go to the mile-high club.
Not exactly my idea of romance.
Yeah.
Gosh, yeah.
That's Hey! We have wine.
We should cheers.
Yeah! What should we cheers to? To Luke and Kate.
[CHUCKLES.]
Luke and Kate.
[GLASSES CLINK.]
So, mile-high club, huh? [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
What is that? Is that a frequent flier thing? [LAUGHS.]
And so, even though it's gonna be set in the future, it's gonna feel like a like a bad science fiction movie from the 1950s.
And I know what you're thinking, that we're gonna make a deliberately bad movie.
No.
It's gonna be, like, accidentally bad.
[CHUCKLES.]
What's it about? - I'm getting to that.
- Okay.
[OLIVER.]
Ten seconds or it's round two.
Let's shave their pubes.
- Think of something.
- I'm trying.
- Seven, six, five, - Well, um, I'm - four - how am I suppos - It's very complicated, intricate.
- three, two - [LUKE.]
I don't know.
- It's an alien invasion movie.
Totally.
Totally.
Yeah.
Alien invasion.
Like, um Independence Day.
Right.
And there's this super-secret service-type, astronaut guy.
And he has to save the President of the United States.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Who plays the President? [KATE.]
Um, a woman.
The President's a woman.
And he doesn't just save her, though.
He has to save everyone from the aliens.
There's this big space battle at the end.
And a smaller one in the middle.
Ooh! And there's this bad guy space commander dude.
It's like really complex and three-dimensional, Oliver.
- Does he die? - No? - He should die.
- Okay, great.
He dies.
[EMALINE.]
Barf! Sounds like another stupid action movie to me.
[KATE.]
Well, there's one more thing.
Our hero, even though he wants to save all of humanity from the aliens, he can't because he's in love.
[LUKE.]
With one of the aliens.
So, even though it has this sci-fi look, really It's a love story in space.
It's like, uh like Romeo and Juliet, just except they don't die.
They live happily ever after.
Well, sounds ambitious, but talk is cheap.
How do I know that you are going to be able to pull this off? You don't.
I guess you'll have to trust me.
Yes, I would.
But I don't trust anyone I haven't had a drink with.
Start drinking.
[CHUCKLES.]
[MR.
MESSNER.]
Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop.
- [SHERRY.]
Oh, boy.
- Every last drop counts.
And fini! [LAUGHING.]
Can I admit one thing? Okay, but just one.
Look, I know that what Luke confessed to was bad, but, um I was kinda proud of him for getting in trouble.
- Oh! - [BOTH LAUGHING.]
- That's a new one.
- Yeah.
Kids need to mess up, right? It builds character.
It teaches lessons.
As the Principal of Boring High, I - [LAUGHS.]
- Well, my position is I disagree.
But as a human being absolutely.
- Thank you.
- Yes! [LAUGHING.]
I bet you never got in trouble when you were a kid.
Oh No.
Never.
Huh.
I was always very good.
I wasn't.
But I had Luke when I was in high school, and that straightened me out pretty quick.
Is there anything you wish you did? Like what? [CHUCKLES.]
Like, something bad.
Something that would get you in trouble.
Mm.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Not really.
I mean there is there is one thing.
Tell me.
[EXHALES.]
[LAUGHS.]
Oh.
[WHISPERS.]
I always wanted to throw toilet paper on a house.
[WHISPERS.]
You better keep it down, Ken.
You do not want people to know that you have never TP'd a house?! Never.
[LAUGHS.]
Just sounds like so much fun.
Got any enemies? [CHEERING.]
[BOY.]
Do that again! Has he ever had a drink before? Do you even know your boyfriend? [LUKE.]
All right, guys.
I got your trust now? Do you want to make this movie? 'Cause hey, it's all good.
[OLIVER.]
No, no, no.
Not quite yet.
How about have another while we think about it? [CHANTING.]
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! All righty then! [CHANTING CONTINUES.]
Chug! Chug! Chug! [CHEERING.]
[LUKE BELCHES.]
[SCANNER BEEPING.]
Mr.
Messner! Dylan.
Dylan Barker.
Class of '91? Uh, hi, Dylan.
[CHUCKLES.]
Charmin.
Nice.
Quality wipes.
Two-ply, for sure.
Always two-ply.
I mean, what are we, animals? [CHUCKLES.]
Um [CLEARS THROAT.]
[STAMMERS.]
Hey, Mr.
M, you mind me saying something? Of course not, Dylan.
What? It's just that, all those times I f'd up in school.
All those times I should have been expelled, and you sat me down and talked straight shit.
You don't have to get into any of that.
I was a dumb-ass.
Most people in your position would've bounced me, but you took the time.
You talked me through it.
I wouldn't have graduated if not for you.
And look at me now.
And I'm not being ironic.
The way I see it, one day you're slinging hot dogs and butt wipes, and the next day, you run the place.
That's because of you.
Well, thank you, Dylan.
No.
Thank you, Mr.
M.
How much do I owe you? [CHUCKLES.]
Wow.
You kinda changed Dylan Barker's life, Mr.
M.
No.
Yeah, you did.
- You motivate those kids.
- Yeah.
Motivate them to get their lives in order.
I suppose.
While I motivate people to, um, stow their tray tables and put their seats in the upright position.
No, you do more than that.
You hand out peanuts.
[CHUCKLES.]
And those little bags that are impossible to open.
- Sorry.
No, I - [LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
I'm just kidding.
It's okay.
I just think it's pretty sweet.
You ready? Hell, yeah.
["TIME BOMB" BY RANCID PLAYING.]
Oh! If you wanna make a move.
Then you better come in.
It's just the ability to reason.
That wears so thin.
Living and dying.
And the stories that are true.
- One, two, three.
- Secret to a good life's knowing when you're through.
Black coat, white shoes, black hat, Cadillac.
Yeah! The boy's a time bomb.
Black coat, white shoes, black hat, Cadillac.
Yeah! The boy's a time bomb.
Oh! Time bomb! Hey! [WOMAN.]
Ken? Ken! I can see your car.
Oh! [WOMAN.]
Seriously? Very mature! [LAUGHS.]
[WOMAN.]
I can hear you! I'm going to sleep.
This had better be gone in the morning, or so help me [DOOR CLOSES.]
So we went out a few times.
[LAUGHING.]
And the aliens will have blue faces! Now, I know what everybody's thinking, "Luke, aliens are always green!" Not ours! Ours will be blue.
Oh, and we'll shoot it at Dominguez Rocks! And what is Dominguez Rocks? You've never been to Dominguez Rocks? Neither have I.
It's in California.
But! I have a poster of it in my room! It's been in so many classic sci-fi flicks.
It's these rocks.
They're all colorful and stuff.
And it totally looks like another planet.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, wait.
I have an announcement.
I have an announcement, okay? I wanna give it up to one special person and that is my girlfriend Kate.
She helped me come up with this entire thing.
My girlfriend is the greatest! [APPLAUSE.]
Give it up for Kate, everybody.
[LUKE.]
I want another Zima.
- Come with me.
- [LUKE.]
Whoo! Yes! Whoo! Zima.
Whoo! Everybody sing along.
How long you known this kid? Luke? Um, pretty much forever.
What's his deal? H-His deal? Yeah, his deal.
Is he Meisner? Is he Stanislavsky? Come on.
Um, a lil a little bit of both.
With some Kevin Smith mixed in.
- Nice.
- Yeah.
We made a movie this summer.
Ace Ventura and the Temple of Gravy.
- It was good.
- It sounds stupid.
Who was Ace? - I played him, actually.
- You? [CHUCKLES.]
So, then you like Jim Carrey? He's okay.
Jim Carrey is the most underrated actor of our time.
Oh, y-yeah.
I mean, totally.
He should He should win an Oscar.
No, he will.
You think he won't? - No, no, no, no, I-I think he should.
- He will.
Which one are you, again? Tyler? No.
Don't throw it away like that.
It's your name.
You only get one of them.
Actually, I have four.
Tyler Edward Randolph Bowen.
So, then say it! [VOICE SQUEALS.]
Tyler! [OLIVER EXHALES.]
We'll work on it.
[LUKE.]
Whoo, whoo! All right! [GRUNTS.]
[EXHALES.]
Spin the bottle, anyone? [LAUGHING.]
Tonight was a blast.
Yeah, I think it was one of the most fun nights of my entire life.
[LAUGHS.]
So, thanks for dinner, Ken.
Thank you.
- So - [BOTH CHUCKLING.]
I'll see ya.
Okay.
Hey, uh, Ken.
Yeah.
We don't need to tell the kids about this, right? There's really nothing to tell.
Totally.
Okay.
Bye.
[CAR DOOR CLOSES, ENGINE STARTS.]
Rules are whoever it lands on has to go into the prop closet for Seven Minutes in Heaven.
No apple-bobbing, cherry-picking or pumpkin-patching.
Tongue is encouraged, but not required.
Ladies first.
I'm not playing.
If you're here, you're playing.
Unless you're afraid.
We're not afraid.
[LUKE.]
Come on.
Well, well, well.
Ugh.
- Doesn't count.
- Why not? [JESSICA.]
It's two girls? Doesn't count.
It's fine by me.
All right.
My turn.
[EXHALES.]
[KIDS LAUGHING.]
[CHUCKLES.]
[MIMICS GUNSHOT.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Smells like wet dog in here.
I don't mind it.
[CHUCKLES.]
So I should I should put on some lip gloss.
- Oh.
- Obviously.
Duh.
I've never kissed a girl.
In case I suck.
S-So, you know why.
Wow.
Wow.
I think I'm a lesbian.
What? [OLIVER.]
Time's up, perverts.
While you were sucking face, we took a vote.
All right, freshman.
Let's make a movie.
Were I the last girl on Earth I'm dumb, she's a lesbian I thought I had found the one We were good as married in my mind But married in my mind's no good Oh, pink triangle on her sleeve Let me know the truth Let me know the truth I'm dumb, she's a lesbian I thought I had found the one We were good as married in my mind But married in my mind's no good Oh, pink triangle on her sleeve Let me know the truth Let me know the truth I'm dumb, she's a lesbian I thought I had found the one Oh, we were good as married in my mind But married in my mind's no good Oh, pink triangle on her sleeve Let me know the truth Let me know the truth Let me know the truth Let me know the truth