Exploding Kittens (2024) s01e04 Episode Script

1
- [crickets chirping]
- [dogs barking]
Ow. God-freaking-dammit!
Who left a LEGO on the floor?
I did. It was a test. You failed.
Twenty dollars into the swear jar, please.
Thank you.
I am newly re-energized
to help you, humans.
My first order of business,
lead this family
down a path of righteousness,
one unclean vocabulary word at a time.
[tooting]
Did somebody just swear?
Open your mouth for free jellybeans.
Yum! What's this for?
Anytime somebody swears,
the Cuss Bus rewards them with jellybeans.
All hail the Cuss Bus.
See, this is the problem
- Hell's influence on humankind.
- [door opens]
- [footsteps approaching]
- Well, I
- [Godcat groaning]
- [screaming]
[sighing]
- Coyote gave birth in a Bloomingdale's.
- Jesus Christ!
[theme music playing]
Agent Higgins, code name, Stillwell.
Resuming Mission Good Mom, session 48.
[knocking]
Come on in, Travis.
[motorbike revving]
Oh, I'm sorry.
Travis isn't coming, Doctor Stillwell.
What the You're not Travis!
[game narrator]
Sweater missiles, activated.
Or should I say, "Mrs. Higgins"?
[laughing nervously]
Aidan? Is that you?
Technically, my avatar's name is GUNZ,
spelled with all caps and a Z.
Pretty sweet, huh?
- [rock music playing]
- [Aiden groaning]
Travis knows you've been pretending
to be his therapist
in order to spy on him and stuff.
[nervous chuckle] What?
No, that's not what I
Travis is sick and tired
of you meddling in his life,
always trying to control him.
He's running away
to my house where he can be free.
Running away? Oh gosh. Let me talk to
He's done talking, Mrs. H.
What he needs is space.
And his ADHD medication,
if you could drop it off at some point.
Thank you so much. GUNZ out!
- [motorbike revving]
- [Abbie gasping]
[school bell ringing]
Finally, as a reminder,
due to budget cutbacks,
the urinals are now only decorative.
Now, I'm pleased to introduce our guest,
billionaire, innovator,
and aspiring comedian,
Jefflon Bezmusk.
[epic music playing]
[Greta] Oh man, he's really here!
Why is this dude dressed
like a Sharper Image got him pregnant?
Aidan, this man is the future.
He's going to colonize Mars,
as soon as he finishes
trying to colonize Twitter.
Greetings, uh, future fulfillment workers.
I'm excited to announce
a countywide rocket competition.
I'm hoping,
by giving back to the community,
you'll ignore those nasty rumors
about me making
my employees' bladders explode.
Uh, the school
that builds the highest-flying projectile
in 24 hours wins an internship
at Space Wrecks.
Now get going,
and remember, reach for the moon.
Even if you miss,
you'll be amongst the stars
suffocating in a cold, dark vacuum.
[fanfare playing]
So awkward, yet so inspiring.
We must win this contest or die trying.
Travis, go home and get my welding apron.
Oh. And my cyanide tablets
in case things go sideways.
They're in my Hello Kitty pencil box.
I'm not going back
to where my mother eavesdrops on me
and takes a big judgey mom dump
on everything I like.
Plus, I told you,
I'm never helping you again
after I woke up
with my fingers sewn together.
Hey. Were you a better swimmer after that?
Yes or no? Well, I can't build it alone.
Hmm.
No can do, ma'am.
The horseshoe team is entirely focused
on beating our rivals
from Frackington on Friday.
God, I hate Frackington so much!
[grunting]
Save it for the game, Hanson.
I just don't understand
why you unpal'd me on Budster.
Well, if I'm really your pal,
why am I not in your Bud Barn?
[groaning]
This is all your fault.
What, puberty?
Yeah. I could've made humans transform
from children straight into adults,
but I thought it'd be funny
to combine bad skin
and uncontrollable stiffies.
No, emotions.
My peers are so distracted by them,
they refuse to assist
in my astronautical affairs.
Ah, yes, emotions.
By the time we'd rolled out hangry,
I knew we'd jumped the shark.
- Probably should've installed that update.
- Hm. What update?
Humanity version 2.0.
Gets rid of the unpopular features
like emotions and pinky toes.
And how exactly would you install
this update? Hypothetically.
- Well, uh, first, I'd log into HOL.
- [keys clacking]
Let's see if I can remember my password.
- [computer buzzes]
- [Godcat] Uh
- [Godcat mumbles]
- [computer pings]
- [dial-up Internet connecting tone]
- [chuckles] Every time.
[dog barking in distance]
[screaming] Dang it, Devilcat! I
Never sneak up on a tabletop gamer.
You're lucky my katana's in the shop.
"Dang it," Marv?
Don't you mean, " it"?
Whoa. I haven't heard words like that
since a crow flew into our dish
and we accidentally got HBO.
Oh, hell no! I mean, oh, heck no.
Marv cannot afford to be evil.
His head already looks like
a volleyball made of skin.
- Imagine if he was evil too.
- Do you guys mind?
Complicated Burrito Store is
a very difficult strategy game,
and I need to focus
if I'm gonna defeat my bully
at the gaming café tomorrow.
You have a bully
besides the burden of life itself?
Everyone at the gaming café suffers
under the tyranny of Francis.
[mysterious music playing]
[Marv] From his crushing snack packs,
to his infamous booger brands.
Worst of all,
he always wins underhandedly,
thanks to his twenty-pocket cargo shorts.
But if I could just beat Francis
once and for all,
maybe we could all game
in peace once again.
Maybe you should cheat, Marv.
Marv cheat? Please.
He leaves a tip on his tax returns.
But you could be the big dog
at the gaming café,
deciding what ginger ale
goes in the vending machine [grunts]
growing that ponytail
you've always dreamed about,
all thick and bouncy.
Hands off. Marv is
my pastrami-scented Play-Doh person,
and I will sculpt him in my image.
- Since when do you care about humans?
- Humans are growing on me.
I mean sure, they're basically
just monkeys who can use a toilet,
but they're my toilet monkeys,
and there's no way
I'm letting you corrupt them.
Oh, there's no way I can corrupt him?
How about a little wager?
We both try to sway Marv.
Good versus evil.
If you win, I won't interfere
in your little Higgins project,
but if I win
[in demonic voice] I get Marv's soul.
- What are you guys talking about?
- I accept. So how do you wanna do this?
[in normal voice] What if we shrink down
and jump in his ears like little AirPods?
- [mystical tone]
- [both grunting]
Ahh! What the Cats in my ears!
All right, Marv,
let's prove that you can be righteous
and still prevail. Then Oh.
Hang on, what are these fleshy bongos
at the bottom of your ear?
[laughing] I'm gonna play those.
- [Godcat humming]
- [drums beating]
- [screaming]
- [grunting]
Great work, Abbie. Somehow, in trying
to get closer to your son [grunts]
you managed to completely [grunts]
drive him away!
[grunting]
[pleasant music playing]
[gasping, crying]
Huh. Abbie?
Sorry about that.
Lost my head.
Are you okay?
Travis ran away
because of something stupid I did,
and I'm worried I might've
pushed him away for good.
[sighing]
Karen, your family seems so happy.
How do you do it?
You wanna know how I do it?
[mystical tone]
Large breasts?
No, Cheer Charm.
I've used Cheer Charm's
patented philosophy of positive thinking
to be the best mother, wife,
and non-salaried businesswoman I can be.
And for a small investment, you can too.
- Oh. Sort of sounds like a pyramid scheme.
- Pyramids?
The things Egyptians built
for fun and exercise
Forget it. I thought you loved your son,
but I'll just put these away.
No, no, no, wait. Leave them out.
I do wanna be a better mom,
and if you say Cheer Charm will help,
I'll do it.
Great! I'd be happy to give you
a Cheer-ification consultation,
if you think you're up to it.
Up to it?
[laughs] Please. I've slept
in a disemboweled caribou carcass.
For like a military mission?
No, we got scammed by Airbnb.
Skorttles for dinner was clutch.
This would never fly at my house.
It must suck having parents
who are always making you eat healthy
and caring about you and stuff. Huh.
Anyway, my stepparents
should stay out of our way.
Wait, you have two stepparents?
How is that even possible?
Well, my dad left when I was five.
Then my mom married Phil,
but then she left.
Then Phil married Elaine,
but he peaced out pretty soon after that.
Then Elaine actually dated my real dad
for a while until he ran off with my mom.
Then Elaine married
I wanna call him Dave?
Seems nice.
I caught him stripping copper wire
from our breaker box
and selling it online,
but I don't wanna
bust his balls. [slurping]
Point is, Casa de Aidan is
a totally parentally unsupervised zone.
- We can do whatever we want.
- Yeah!
- [bears growling]
- [heavy metal music playing]
[both] Polar bear knife fight!
I'm just global warming up.
I heard this is rated R
for violence and language.
Let's frickin' go!
- [woman screaming]
- [Travis crying]
- Too scary.
- Even the language was scary.
Too scary. Too scary.
[upbeat music playing]
[laughing]
[Aiden gagging]
[upbeat music continues]
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Ahh!
- [laughing]
[school bell ringing]
Hmm.
Let's test this update
on a smaller sample size.
Excluding myself, of course.
[mystical tone]
[blowing whistle]
Boys, I only know two things.
The sex-ed curriculum I am mandated
to teach by State and throwin' shoe.
Now, I want you
to treat this Frackington team
like the female reproductive system treats
the uterine lining during menstruation!
- [all cheering]
- [computer beeping]
Oh yeah!
[all screaming]
[coach] Okay, not quite the response
I was hoping for.
Hanson! I thought you hated Frackington!
I hate nothing. I love nothing.
I feel nothing at all.
If I'm not in your Bud Barn,
you belong in my Stranger Manger.
[groaning]
- [dramatic music playing]
- [both screaming]
Farm-based fraternizing is futile.
[Greta] Attention, students. Please report
to the gymnasium immediately.
[snare drums playing]
I have called you here today
to ensure that we,
the students of Horkville High,
win the rocket competition this afternoon.
Students, assemble!
On the sixth day, God created humans.
Today, I perfected them.
Hey, my first god complex. [laughing]
Okay, Marv, remember, evil may seem bad,
but so many cool things
were once considered evil.
Wolves, chocolate, Germans.
[grunts] No, Marv. Bad.
Holy things can be cool too, like uh,
the missionary position
or tramp stamps that say "blessed."
[dramatic tone]
Looks like this burrito store
just got a lot more complicated.
[hair whipping]
So, Hoggins and his piggy pals
want a game with the Cargo King.
You know the drill. Pay to play.
[hair whipping]
[dramatic music playing]
Here's your chance, Marv.
Slip him some laxatives.
Let's call an air strike on his butthole.
Don't do it.
Just say something biblical like,
"Thou shalt not covet
thy neighbor's Zesty Corn Balls."
Quiet!
[dramatic music plays]
That's right, little pup.
Big dog gets his Corn Balls.
- [Godcat sighs]
- [Devilcat groans]
[Godcat tsking]
[Karen] I used to be
just like you, Abigail.
Lost, afraid, having an emotional affair
with the tech support chatbot
just to feel something.
Anything.
Then I found Cheer Charm.
Ta-da.
With this Smile Till It Hurts Starter Set,
every corner of your home
offers a helpful reminder
that feeling bad is a choice and
I'm not sure Lincoln said that.
[chuckles] Okay, Ken Burns.
See, you have
what we call a cheer condition.
Your body is literally rejecting charm.
It's no wonder your home
was so intolerable for young Travis.
You really think he wouldn't have run away
if I had just
"turned my brain frown upside down"?
Let's toast to that
with a glass of CheerVine Charm-donnay.
[buzzing]
Ow! What was that?
Probably just a bee.
They're drawn to
the wine's high sugar content.
My throat is tightening, starting to hurt.
Now, Abbie, you know
what we say about pain at Cheer Charm.
"Pain is just French
for yummy, fresh-baked bread."
[moaning, groaning]
[mic feedback]
Welcome to the first
annual Besmusk Rocket Competition.
Best of luck,
and remember not to read anything
into my obsession
with enormous metal phalluses.
[inspirational music playing]
It is my honor to present our rocket,
the Hot and Heavy Sky Sizzler.
I mistakenly let the Internet name it
via online poll.
Well, if it flies as well as it looks,
that internship is yours.
Did you hear that?
Mr. Bezmusk thinks we might win.
Steps have been taken
to ensure 100% likelihood of success.
[beeps]
You're sabotaging the competition?
But that's deeply unethical.
[all] There is no right or wrong.
Only victory.
[people gasping]
[dramatic music playing]
It appears that removing their emotions
has turned them into an amoral army
of task-driven automata.
Your emotionality is impeding
the progress of the objective.
[gasps] Huh?
[electric fizzing]
[Greta] Oh no!
The students' emotions are combining
into some sort of toxic sludge.
I have tears of joy and smiles of pain!
You're all gaslighting me,
and I have no idea what that even means!
[people screaming]
[heavy metal music playing]
[Travis moaning]
Man, we've been streaming for six hours.
The insides
of my eyelids feel like Triscuits.
Squirt this in your eyes.
It's a mix of saline
and expired Four Loko.
Do you have anything for breakfast?
We could melt some Skorttles
in the microwave. Make some Skortmeal.
You know, I'd kind of prefer,
and I can't believe I'm saying this,
something a little more healthy.
Dang, dude.
You sound like
my family court-ordered nutritionist.
Your parents got you brainwashed.
Hey, you know what? I don't need you,
or my mom, or that singing leprechaun
with meatballs for eyes.
Ugh, man, I really need food.
["Everybody's Talkin'"
by Harry Nilsson playing]
[groans]
Everybody's talkin' at me ♪
- I don't hear a word they're sayin' ♪
- [gags]
Only the echo ♪
Son, you're over the weight limit.
I play Salsa Picante.
Guacamole. No onions.
[sighing]
Dang, he's good.
Yeah, because he cheats.
- So play a little dirty yourself.
- No, Marv.
Commit righteous violence instead.
Kick him in his fuzzy apricots.
[laughing nervously]
I just remembered,
I I need to call my mouth doctor.
[phone ringing]
Ugh. First sign of conflict
and you go pee?
What are you, a kitten?
- Also, why aren't you using the urinal?
- Oh, I sit down to whiz.
It's more hygienic,
plus it puts me in launch position
if I decide to go to DEFCON 2.
[door opens]
Sarah, please.
I didn't know you'd be home so soon.
You were never meant to see what I
was doing to that sack of raw chicken.
[door closes]
- Ugh. Barf.
- Gross.
I don't understand.
Did Did he use the wrong marinade?
My boobs refuse to grow at the same rate.
I looked at too many TikTok filters,
and now my real face seems weird.
I am on fire.
This is 100% true.
- It's not safe here. We have to go!
- [glass shatters]
[suspenseful music playing]
[grunting, growling]
Hmm. Not Skorttles.
Travis, what are you
Wow. Are you eating a vegetable?
- Where's my phone? I should record this.
- It's a long story. Basically
- [screaming]
- [yelling]
Parents are so mean!
[roaring]
Gonna have to hear about it later.
[dramatic music continues]
[Travis panting, screaming]
What the hell was that?
Some kind of plasmic projection
of our classmates' emotions
that fused into that thing.
[police sirens wailing]
[growling, grunting]
[roaring]
[screeching]
Oh no! It's absorbing
other people's emotions now.
We have to get to the computer lab
to redistribute their emotions.
Distract that thing.
Wait! How am I supposed to do that?
Greta! [groans]
It's like my entire family hears me,
but no one ever actually listens.
[Travis gasps]
That's exactly how I feel.
License and registration, please.
[Marv whimpering]
[dramatic music playing]
Your move, Hoggins.
Is the cilantro bonus good?
Of course cilantro isn't good.
My dad actually invented it.
Until him, no demon could figure out
how to ruin tacos.
[gasping] I can't believe it.
The best card in the game,
and he dropped it.
The Patronage of Steven Seagal.
With that one card signifying that actor,
musician, martial artist Steven Seagal
patronized my burrito store,
I would win
no matter what Francis has in his pockets.
What are you waiting for?
This human fanny pack is eating you alive.
Play the damn card!
I hate to say it, but I'm with her.
This guy is a monster.
Sometimes, to serve the greater good,
you have to be Above the Law.
Good movie.
It's a great movie. Now play that Seagal.
[dramatic music playing]
I've only got one card to play,
so here it goes.
Hey, Francis, tell me something.
Are those tacos on the game board chicken?
[dramatic sting]
And is the chicken cooked or raw?
Either you forfeit the game,
or we all have a nice conversation
about the raw chicken you love so much.
I How did you I forfeit!
You win. You win forever!
Now bow to me, Cargo Boy.
Bow to Marvelous Higgins.
- Kiss the sweet sock sandals of a king!
- [all cheering]
So, to answer your question,
it's not weird that the smell
of meatloaf makes you horny.
Wow. I feel way better. Where'd you learn
to be such a good listener?
My therapist, who turned out
to be my mom in a video game.
It's kind of a long story. You see
[blob groaning, moaning]
[all screaming]
[all grunting, groaning]
I did it. I uninstalled the update.
Did they get their emotions back?
One way to find out.
Hey, everyone, I like watching TikToks
of zits being popped!
- Eat my butt with a fork.
- [man] You are very sick.
[uplifting music playing]
Hi, family.
[both screaming]
[dramatic music playing]
[gulping]
Aah.
The heck?! Mom, what's up with your face?
Are you having an allergic reaction?
No. It's not an allergic reaction.
It's a manifestation of my negativity.
That does not make sense.
[groans]
I figured if it worked for Karen,
Miss Perfect Mom, it'd work for me.
But it's pointless.
Mom, listen. At first,
I was mad about what you did.
But after being over at Aidan's,
I kind of get it. You care about me.
That's why you don't feed me candy
for dinner,
and why my bed isn't a pile of laundry
held together with an extension cord.
[both grunting]
[sneezing]
[both cheering]
I'm proud of you, Marv.
You didn't do anything underhanded,
and you still defeated that eighth-grader
in a 40-year-old's body.
Francis has been bullying me for years,
and I just took it
until you two motivated me.
Thank you.
Abbie, where are the Q-tips?
I had cats in my ears,
and one of them did something gross.
You know, I can't believe I'm saying this,
but you make a half-decent Antichrist.
Nice work.
Thanks. You're good at your thing too.
Humans are lucky to have you.
I'm still gonna destroy you.
[in demonic voice] The streets
will run red with bubbly blood vomit.
Fire balls from the butts
of the innocent. You get it.
Uh-huh.
Well, if evil does win out one day,
and it won't,
take it easy on these humans, okay?
I actually kind of like them.
Hey, double or nothing.
The dad and the daughter's soul say
I can chug a bottle
of ranch faster than you.
Yea, though I walk through
the Hidden Valley of the shadow of ranch.
[both laughing]
[closing theme music playing]