Family Tools (2013) s01e04 Episode Script

and, of course, surprise, surprise, Harry Potter wins.
[ laughter .]
Did you even read the book? No, but I did watch Mason play the video game.
All right.
For our next book club meeting, we will be discussing having read "Pride and Prejudice.
" [ all gasp .]
ooh, "Pride and prejudice.
" Okay, that is an inspiring book, you guys.
I'm thinking, like, "Mr.
Darcy Daiquiris.
" Oh.
Right? [ gasps .]
"London Lemon drops.
" Yes! It doesn't even take place in London.
Oh, how about this for a-a drink -- "Nobody cares, Iva"? [ laughter .]
Okay, everybody out.
Time for me to watch the game.
Uh, hello? Dvr your game.
Yeah, I did.
Now it's time for me to watch it.
See you guys next week.
Bye, all.
Later, Tony.
See you, stitch.
[ door opens .]
[ sighs .]
[ tv turns on .]
so, you think state has a shot at the playoffs? UhYeah.
Yeah, sure.
I mean, Harris is a great player.
He just needs to get more aggressive in the low post.
Well, sure, if he does that, he's gonna dominate.
Does this look like my dad is flirting? With Beverly? Yeah.
Oh, my God.
He's flexing.
So, uh, you -- do you follow basketball, Beverly? Oh, not really.
I just -- Just like watching men sweat.
[ chuckles, clears throat .]
I sweat.
A lot.
I mean, you know, if I'm -- if I'm, like, mowing the grass or, you know, working a hot day, you know? I got to change my shirt a couple times.
You talk now.
[ chuckles .]
who took over his dad's fix-It business after he decided to retire.
My aunt takes care of him, whether he likes it or not.
Her son is weird.
Now I'm the boss.
Dad's assistant works for me, sort of.
His sister likes me, I think.
Being in charge is tough, but nothing I can't handle.
[ crash .]
I'll fix that! Mom, can you pass me those napkins there? Your learner's permit.
Subtle, Mason.
Ma, I've had that for three months and you always have an excuse why you won't give me driving lessons.
No, I don't.
You want to go? Just say when you want to go, we'll go.
How about we go -- Uh, you know, I just can't.
Busy.
I didn't even say when.
Oh, I'm sorry, baby.
When? Tomorrow morning would be -- Ooh, that's even worse.
[ sighs .]
Mason, if your mom's too busy, I-I'd be happy to take you out driving, yeah.
Great! Oh, I'm sorry.
Did you say tomorrow morning? Yes, yes, that works for me.
Why didn't you say so? Awesome! I'm gonna go rememorize the rules of the road.
[ both chuckles .]
there's a kid who needs a good stag mag.
[ clears throat .]
So Beverly? What about her? She thinks you're hot.
Ask her out.
Oh, I thought we were gonna tease him for a while.
Sorry, got a little excited.
Yeah, I'm not talking about this.
Dad, you know, you haven't dated anyone since mom passed away, and I just -- I-I hope you're not worried that you're gonna hurt my feelings.
Why on God's green earth would I worry about hurting your feelings? And thanks for bringing up the memory of my dead wife now that I'm thinking about dating again.
So, you're thinking about dating? Shut it.
Both: [ singsong voice .]
Beverly.
[ sighs .]
Dad, why not ask Beverly out? You obviously like her.
You guys talked about sweat for a really long time.
Sweat's a fascinating subject -- Body's natural cooling system.
Dad! All right, okay, I like her.
You happy? Yes, I am.
And it's okay to be nervous.
That's only natural.
You haven't asked a girl out since the country was celebrating its bicentennial.
I'm not nervous, okay? I just -- I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it.
All right, well, I hope you want to do it right now [ dialing .]
because I just called her.
What?! BEVERLY: Hello? Yeah, of course you knew that, Yeah.
Uh, how was your day? My day was good, yeah.
I didn't do a hell of a lot, actually.
You know, Tuesdays.
Am I right? I don't know why we don't just skip straight to wednesdays.
Okay, pull up.
Pull up! Pull up! Uh, anyway, Uh, uh, my point is, do -- are you hungry? I mean, not now, but eventually? Would you want to maybe get some dinner? It would mean a lot to my idiot son.
Okay, uh, pick you up at 6:00? Great.
See you then.
Bye.
Dad! Yes! Hit it.
No? Okay.
Well, you know where it is if you need it.
All right, boom.
Just like that.
Good.
Check the side mirror.
Good.
Check the other side mirror.
Check the rearview mirror again.
Mom! All right, all right.
Put it in reverse.
Watch it! Did you check under the tires? For our dog?! you want a dead dog on your conscience? Toast is inside! You don't know that! Mom! Okay! All right! [ Sighs .]
put it in reverse.
Just easy, back up.
Very slowly.
Good, good.
Easy, easy, and when you get to the end of the driveway, I want you to stop, okay? And [ Engine shuts off .]
what, that's it? Tomorrow, I'm gonna let you work the radio.
Okay, I'm here.
What's the big hardware emergency? Oh, no.
I tricked you into being down here because I wanted you to be in an environment where you feel safe for our first sex talk.
[ chuckles .]
and you're in on this? When I heard Jack was gonna give You sex advice, I thought, "How can I miss this?" Here we go! Dad, I taught a health-sciences class for three weeks, so I know a thing or two about the complexities and consequences of sexual relations.
I know all about the consequences of sexual relations, Jack.
I'm looking at it.
Look, dad, the dating world has changed a lot since you were out there, okay? The incidents of stds in your age group are shockingly high.
[ inhales deeply .]
I didn't know this was gonna be about old-People Sex.
I should have thought this through.
Hey, you're gonna be my age someday, pal.
That's why I'm getting all my bumpin' in now.
[ sighs .]
I'm just saying that women are a lot more independent these days.
Hey, I'm not letting her pay.
Actually, you don't have to worry about that.
That hasn't changed.
But a lot has -- Manscaping, for instance.
I don't know what that is, but I do know I'm not doing it.
No, no, no.
I think this will appeal to you because I know that you like to keep a-a clean workspace goodbye! Yeah, you're all right.
What do you want to do now? Uh, you want to shoot pool? We could go to the ball rack.
Oh, we could do that, except it burned down 28 years ago.
Yeah, I might have mentioned I haven't done this in a while.
You're doing great.
[ chuckles .]
[ door opens, closes .]
morning, son! Dad, you're not supposed to eat like that.
It's not for me.
It's for you.
What? Got a big day ahead of you.
You're gonna need some fuel.
So I guess the date went well.
We're like two pieces of a barrel hinge, you know? She's the pivot, and -- and I'm You know, we fit together, what I'm trying to say.
It kind of got away from me.
That's great, dad.
That is so -- I'm so happy for you! [ Bell dings .]
save room for banana bread.
I'm telling you, Darren, it's like he's a completely changed man.
Like, the other day, I hand him a remote, and he said something I'll never forget -- "Thanks.
" I think Beverly's really good for him.
Seems like she's good for a lot of people.
Huh? Man: Well, I will see you soon.
Yes, I will.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait.
No, come on now.
We don't know what's going on.
I mean, they could be brother and sister.
That must be one sexy christmas.
[ whistling continues .]
Beverly's coming over tomorrow.
I want the place to look nice.
About Beverly -- She's terrific, isn't she? You know, she's taking me folk dancing.
Weird, huh? You know how I hate culture.
Yeah, I do.
You know, Beverly she's a free-spirited lady.
[ chuckles .]
uh, are you guys exclusive? Hey, she's mine, pal.
[ chuckles .]
um it, uh it's just, I, uh -- I saw something kind of funny.
So did we -- "Notting hill.
" And I know I might be a little late to the party, but I really like that Hugh grant.
Guy is delightful.
Hugh grant, Dad? Yeah, I know.
Beverly's opening me up to all kinds of new things.
And you know what? I love it.
Thanks for getting me back out there, son.
[ chuckles .]
rude.
What did you see? [ telephone rings .]
STITCH: [ robotically .]
you have reached fair deal hardware.
For hammers, press one.
For all other tools, press -- [ normal voice .]
Oh, hey Jack.
You really hate your job there, don't you? Nah, just the customers.
I have a real problem.
I need your help.
I have discovered that Beverly is cheating on my dad.
What? Do you want me to take her out? Couple of guys owe me a favor.
One of them is polish military.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Slow down there, knuckles.
I don't want anyone to go to prison.
I just pushed him into this, and I don't want him to find out about Beverly and then, you know, be put off of dating altogether.
Okay, Well, then, you know what we need to do? You and I need to show Tony that she is not the only option.
Ahh, that's a great idea.
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah, we'll just find him someone better than Beverly and then he'll just leave her.
Why limit himself to just one? If Beverly can date a whole bunch of guys, so can he.
Not what I meant.
I don't know about that, but -- It's fine for someone like you, but my dad's not a player.
I'm sorry.
Someone like me? Wa-- Oh, no.
I, no -- No judgment.
I just -- I know that you like to, you know, keep a lot of guys in rotation.
How many guys do you think that it is I date? What do you think, like every Friday night, I throw down in a big ol' man pile in a bathroom stall? No.
No man piles.
I just -- I think, Like -- can we just focus on Finding my dad one woman to date? Do you know anyone? Sorry.
I have a business to run in between guys.
Susan: Excuse me.
I'm trying to level my countertop.
Do you think I should anchor it with angle IRONS or Shim it up from the bottom? Hmm.
Wow.
You're a real diy kind of lady, huh? I love working With my hands.
Which I notice does not have a ring.
Are you hitting on me? No.
Well, yes, but not for me.
Driving Manual.
Mom won't take me out to practice, so all I can do is read about it.
What?! that is a travesty! A man's car is his castle -- a place to laugh, to love, and sometimes to live.
Driving is an inalienable right.
Founding fathers knew that.
Yeah! I don't think they had cars, though.
Okay, professor.
You want to nitpick, or you want to practice driving by running me around on some errands? Let's roll! All right.
Class is now in session.
I'm gonna teach you the real rules of the road.
What are you doing? Double-Checking all my mirrors.
Don't even bother.
You're in an old-Ass Van.
Just start driving and the other cars will get out the way.
[ chuckles .]
You got to drive sexy.
Shouldn't I keep two hands on the wheel? One wheel, one hand.
Now slow down here.
What for? Soccer-Mom hangout.
We got a bootcamp out here and it's stretching time.
Come on, mrs.
Hudson.
Yeah.
She's a great mom.
[ indistinct conversations .]
Hey, Dad.
Hey, pal.
This is nice.
We never have dinner out, just the two of us.
I know.
Hi.
I'll have whatever you got on tap, and, uh Oh, no.
Actually, dad, this is Susan.
We met at the hardware store, and I thought you guys might have some things in Common.
Hello, Tony.
Would you meet me by the rotating pie fridge? Okay.
Order the hummus trio for the table.
We'll be right back.
[ sighs .]
what the hell are you doing, Jack? You know I'm seeing Beverly.
I'm not looking for somebody else.
I know.
Beverly's great.
I just -- but Susan? Susan kind of blows Beverly out of the water.
Who's Susan? The lovely lady you just met.
Oh, the one pouring creamers into a thermos and putting silverware in her purse? Yeah.
Think I'll stick with Beverly.
[ door opens, closes .]
hi, Mason.
Hello, mother.
You look very nice today.
I am gonna go take the bike out for a nice, leisurely, safe ride.
No need for alarm.
I was seven! Don't listen to him.
Just be back by dinner.
I wouldn't miss it.
Thanks, mom! Wow.
Now I know something's wrong.
Kid said he wouldn't miss your dinner.
[ laughs .]
[ chuckles .]
See? That's how you drive sexy.
[ cellphone chimes .]
Oh, Rhonda.
[ horn honks .]
Sorry! I was driving sexy! [ tires screech .]
Geat! I just told Rhonda she has amazing pits.
[ horn honking .]
Hey! Pull over! Pull over! now is a good time to teach you the most important rule of driving -- how to lose a tail.
So, the recipe calls for two parts "Pride," one part "Prejudice," and a splash of diet cola 'cause we're all on weight watchers.
Well, here's to reading! [ both laugh .]
[ laughter .]
swilling "Gin Austen and tonics" Like those lips haven't been all over town.
[ whines .]
you're right.
I have to talk to her.
Uh, can I talk to you for a second, Beverly? Thank you.
Sure.
So, what's this all about? You and my dad have been seeing each other for the past week, and I got to tell you, he's falling hard for you.
Oh, well, he's a doll.
It's just that, I'm not judging you, but I know what you're up to.
All right.
I didn't read the whole book, just the cliffsnotes.
Guilty.
[ chuckles .]
look, you're obviously an attractive, free-Spirited woman.
Oh, thank you very much.
You're probably just a bit too free-spirited for my dad.
He's very old-fashioned.
What are you saying, Jack? Maybe you can let him go, and be with someone more your own speed? Know what I mean? You Sly dog.
[ muffled protesting .]
Oh, my God.
What the hell? I thought that's what you wanted! Can you blame me for seizing the moment? Yes, I can.
There's no moment.
There's no seizing.
[ gags .]
Oh, god, my uvula tickles.
How'd you get back that far? Hey, Bev.
And this is the coat room where we would keep the coats.
Uh-Huh.
Yeah.
[ chuckles .]
Book Club's starting and I-I saved you a seat on the couch with that throw pillow you like so much.
[ sighs .]
Let's discuss "Pride and prejudice.
" All out of pride, still a little prejudice.
Lot of judgment.
Okay.
Who wants to start? [ gasps .]
I love this story more than my parrot.
It is so romantic.
Oh, geez.
Excuse me.
We are trying to discuss our book.
Yeah, Jack.
Well, let's talk about it.
I got lots to say.
Okay.
You want to say it? You know what? I would.
Thank you.
Um, I was thinking about -- You know the -- the main girl.
Elizabeth.
Elizabeth.
Uh, and you know how she kisses the main guy? Mr.
Darcy.
Do you mind? like, "Who else is she kissing?" Well, Elizabeth's not married.
She can kiss whoever she wants.
Then Mr.
Darcy has the right to know that she's a slut.
Oh, I didn't get any of that.
Kissing a lot of people doesn't make you a slut.
Jack, you're not in the club.
Dad, you need to break up with Beverly.
What? [ both panting .]
I think we lost him.
[ chuckles .]
wha-- lost Who? Where have you been? Okay, I admit it! We were driving! You took my baby driving?! he's a grown man.
Is this why you tried to set me up with that what's her face? Susan.
You set him up with klepto Susan? Guys, come on.
Why the hell would I break up with Beverly? Because she's cheating on you! Jack kissed me! [ Gasps .]
that's disgusting! [ Doorbell rings .]
now who's the slut? He practically begged me for it.
[ all talking at once .]
Hey, is that your Van? And I also -- It's mine! [ Grunts .]
[ groans .]
Oh, yeah, Jack, watch out for that guy.
[ sighs .]
[ sighs .]
stitch, I am so sorry.
I did not mean to imply that you were loose? That was obviously an unfair characterization of you.
How exactly would you characterize me? This is a trap.
You're learning.
Hey.
Hey.
I don't know what I was thinking.
I-I should have never pushed you into this whole Beverly thing.
And I'm sorry.
I should have never set you up with Susan.
Although, I got to say, if she wasn't a klepto, I think you guys might have hit it off.
[ inhales deeply .]
yep.
What? I folk-Danced, Jack.
And I liked it.
[ door closes .]
I'm actually pretty great at it.
I don't doubt it.
That's awesome, dad.
I know, I know.
I'm sorry.
No! Oh, good.
I told him stop means stop, but you know kids -- Always in a rush to get anywhere, right? I am glad you pulled us over.
This is driver's education, Buddy.
Officer: Ma'am, I've got to go.
Please button your top button.
Sorry, Officer.
I'll never do it again.
Thanks for switching seats, baby.
That would have been three points on my license.
Can I drive home? You just got a ticket.