Fancy Boy (2016) s01e04 Episode Script

A jug of beer for the lovely lady.
- Thank you.
- Put your money away.
- It's on the house.
- Oh, thanks, mate.
He's a bit of alright.
What are you talking about? He's got a weeping sore on his neck.
I don't care.
I just love his accent.
I don't trust anyone with an accent.
- What? - No-one's born with an accent.
Do you actually believe that? Nah.
But accents shit me.
Come on, Famous George! Come on, get in there! Wish I had an accent, you know, something a bit exotic, add a bit of mystique.
Come on, come on! Hold on, Georgie, hold on! And here comes Flip City.
- No! - He storms home, lunges, and gets there! Flip City by a nose.
Flip City first.
Fuck! Did you win? Can I please borrow $50? No way, man.
I'm not lending you another cent.
Yeah, you already owe me 200 bucks from poker.
Come on, guys.
You know I'm having a bad run.
None of this would have happened if I'd put that bet on Barefoot CEO.
It was June 1, 2014.
I woke up from this crazy dream about this weird guy in a suit and had big bare feet.
Called himself Barefoot CEO.
That next morning, I opened up the form guide and in it, race one, horse one, Barefoot CEO.
It was 200 to 1.
But I didn't have a cent on me.
So I went to Dad's man cave, opened his safe.
In there there was $10,000.
He was saving it up to buy a pub for his retirement.
I wanted it.
But I couldn't take it.
I would have pocketed 2 million.
I'd do anything to go back to that moment.
- That's a really good story, man.
- Thank you.
Almost as good as the last eight times you told it.
I'm sorry if I value the lost art of storytelling, mate.
Big Trouble, mister.
Big Trouble, mister.
And Big Trouble Mister races home for the win.
- What? - Cop car, cop car! Pork crackling, pork crackling.
Hey, guys.
I bought my own pork crackling from home.
Oh, wow! - Magic man! - Yeah, right.
Wet prick, wet prick.
I can't believe it.
He saw I was going to spill it.
Yeah, but how did he know you were a prick? Yeah.
Excuse me.
Are you magic? Yeah.
And I can grant you each one wish in exchange for a pot of beer.
Great.
So, one pot of beer for three wishes? - Mm-hm.
- Awesome! - There you go.
- Right.
Well, you go first.
Oh.
I want to go back to the morning when Barefoot CEO won that horse race.
Sweet.
What about you? Alright, I want an exotic accent.
And, uh, you? Um I'll have, uh custard hands.
Hands made of custard? No, hands that are custard containers filled with custard.
Right.
Watch the glass.
Manakava, manakava, manakava.
Rondolikus! Done! Your wish has been granted.
Mm.
Yeah, cool, man.
- Not! - Oh, you'll see, you'll see.
Wait until tomorrow morning.
Wow.
I hope he's telling the truth.
- Yeah.
- Are you serious? Didn't you just see that beer glow? Fuck up.
Look, I am 100% absolutely definitely not going to wake up with custard hands.
- Morning.
- Morning.
- Morning.
- Morning.
- Hey, Drew.
- Are they waiting for me? Yeah, they're in the boardroom.
Do you want me to take those custard cartons off your hands before you go in? No, they're actually fused to my hands because of a, uh a wizard at the pub last night.
Um, in any case, could you grab those S2 forms for me? Cheers.
Yeah, I'll probably just have to print some more.
- Good morning, sunshine.
- Hurro! "Hurrow"? Hurro, Criff! Oh Nah.
Nah, what the herl? Nah, nah, nah.
Uh Cheh one, two.
Cheh one, two.
What are you doing? Hurro, Criff.
My name is Ririan.
I tie gen.
She sell sea shell by sea shore.
Red rever.
Rever rever.
Red rever, red red rever! Are you having a stroke? Lass nat, a magic man changed my assent.
Now it sounds so lacist! Prease beweave me.
- A magic man? - Criff, beweave me.
Yeah.
Whatever.
Have you got your rent money? We're a week behind again.
Oh, Criff.
Can I borrow your car? - No.
- Pwease, Criff, pwease? Absolutely not.
Ah! Solly, Criff.
I solly, I solly, I solly, I solly! Lillian! Sorry for the lateness, everybody.
Traffic on the Citylink was a nightmare.
Um - OK.
- Hey, James.
- Yes? - What's with the custard? Hmm? Custard? Oh, yeah, the custard hands.
Yeah, it's nothing.
A magic man at the pub last night turned my hands to custard.
Now, if we open the fourth quarter projections here Oh.
Sorry.
I just got custard on the laptop.
- Shit.
- James, what's going on? Oh, as I said, a magic man at the pub has changed my hands to custard.
But it's not really an issue.
Um it just You know.
We'll press on.
Um So As you can see, if we open up the fourth quarter projections, we are experiencing wide profit margin.
Sorry about that.
Dammit, James! Particularly in the South Australian region, which you'll be happy about, Nicole.
Got you, sorry.
Um That's that's gonna stain.
Um, and if these trends continue within the current production window Going down! Mmm.
Yum.
Oh, yeah, so I might pop off to the toilet.
Nicole, can you take over for a second? - Want to have a sip or anything? - No.
No? OK, yeah, as I said, I'm going to the toilet.
Drew, could you give me a hand in there with something? Barefoot CEO.
Barefoot man.
Got big feet.
What? Dad, let me sleep in.
I'm not Dad.
What? Who are you? I'm you, two years from now.
Nah.
You look nothing like me! You serious? Where are your glasses? I must've left them in the bathroom.
Here, have mine.
- Whoa! - I know! You are so rugged! And you look so smooth! Thank you.
I've been using Dove.
Look, we don't have much time.
I was given a wish and I decided to come back to now to tell you to put a bet on a horse that's gonna win us 2 million.
Sorry, what? You had a dream last night about a barefoot CEO? Yeah.
But you were given a wish and you decided to come back to now to get me to place a bet? Yeah.
Why didn't you just wish for 2 million? I don't know.
I had a few beers.
Oh, man.
You're so dumb.
It doesn't matter.
Barefoot CEO is racing today.
Whoa! Barefoot CEO! But why didn't you just bring all the results back for the next two years? Can't you just enjoy the magic of the stituation? Man, we could've cleaned up! No offence but have you had some sort of brain damage? No.
But you do start hitting the bongs pretty hard in 2015.
- Really? - Look, it doesn't matter.
What we need to do is get the 10 grand, put it on Barefoot CEO, and then we're just gonna be so damn rich.
Great! Let's do it.
Don't worry, it's ours.
Alright.
Oh! Top of the morning, lovely lady! I'm rooking for a man.
- Sorry? - From yesterday.
Cleepy man, beeg beard.
- Jesus! - I no crazy! Oh! Solly! I no lacist! I rove China.
I rove Chinese culture.
I rove Jackie Chan! Oh.
I just say China.
Maybe you from Japan.
Or Thairand.
I always respect rocal culture and tradition.
When I go to Thairand, I take my shoe off and I don't stay in tourist area! I rove squat toiret! We're actually from Bendigo.
I solly.
Uh You are relcome in our countery.
Thanks for giving us permission to stay in the country that our family has lived in for 100 years.
Oh.
No probrem.
I reaving.
I absolutely have your back for that promotion, Drew, honestly.
And again, I'm sorry.
This custard is just going straight through me.
It's really mucking up my guts.
Why can't you just not drink it? Well, I'm not gonna waste it! - James? - Oh! Hello, Pete! Uh, the CEO wants to see you.
Hmm.
Wonder what that's about.
No idea.
Ahh! Mate, it's coming out the same way it's going in.
Oh! Brutal! Dad? - Dad, are you around? - Don't call for him, dickhead! Just get on with it! I feel real bad about this.
It's fine.
Soon Dad will have everything he's ever wanted.
- Ian? - Oh, shit! Come on! That little bastard! Aloha, you've called James.
Please leave a message after the beep.
Oh, James.
It Ririan.
That crazy genie fuh up my voice! Now I sound so lacist! Oh, sheet.
Porice! Oh, no.
Sheet.
Sheet.
Don't say nothing.
Sheet.
Licence, please.
Do you know why I pulled you over? You were talking on your mobile device while driving.
Any reason why you're not answering? Are you aware this vehicle was reported stolen an hour ago? I solly! I didn't mean to steal the car.
Yeah, this is BJ.
I've got a 212.
Alright, madam.
You have the right to remain silent.
I really intend to.
James, I don't know what you're playing at here.
As I have already explained, a magic man turned my hands A magic man turned your hands into custard cartons.
Yeah.
Now, I know it's odd, but it's actually better.
I have delicious custard on hand 24/7.
You can have some, if you like.
I would not like, no.
Well, in any case, it is not affecting my work, so it's really not a big deal.
Well, it is a big deal and it is affecting your work.
I mean, you've ruined a laptop.
The laptop was already broken.
You sprayed custard over everyone.
Yum! Delicious! There are ants everywhere, James.
OK, so you're saying that there's custard everywhere and now you're complaining about the ants.
What do you think the ants are doing? The ants are eating the custard.
The ants are part of the solution.
- They're not the problem.
- The ants are a problem.
I respectfully disagree.
And I would say furthermore, just leave the ants out of it.
The ants are doing their best, like me, to make a difference and clean up this damn office! Sorry, that's yeah, that's got on you.
Let me just get that.
Oh, sorry.
No.
Oh, I've got that all over you there.
- Yeah.
- Let me just - Yeah.
- No.
Sorry.
It's OK.
That's fine.
Just leave it.
- I'll sort this out.
- No, it's fine! - I'll grab a tissue.
- It's it's fine, James.
No, just just let me just let me sort of - No, just leave it.
- No, that's OK.
Let's just I have, um I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Oh.
No, that's come up.
OK.
Hang on.
Hang on.
Just let me just get that.
Um Ah, goodness me.
That's coming out a lot.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Um Yeah, James James, I'm gonna have to let you go, mate.
- Huh? - Gonna have to let you go.
Oh.
Well That just shows your lack of vision, mate, because I'm a smart, savvy businessman with unlimited access to free custard.
I think I can come up with a pretty good business idea that's gonna take the world by storm.
Throw a rock at Mister Custard! Only $2! Morning.
Throw a rock at Mister Custard.
Huh? Only only $2! Huh? Oh.
See ya.
I'll see you soon.
Alright, this is the pub where you place the bet.
I know! I'm a gambling addict, dickhead.
Oh, sounds so sad when you hear it out loud like that.
"I'm a gambling addict.
" This is our last bet, I promise.
Go in there and make the bet.
What are you going to do? I'll wait here in case Dad shows up.
Alright.
Sick.
The horses are being loaded into the barriers for the first.
Colourful Lament is looking a little restless.
They're not far off the start.
$10 to win.
Thank you.
Race one, horse one, Barefoot CEO, $10,000 on the nose.
Barefoot CEO, $10,000 to win.
- Yes.
- No! - Dad, I have to.
- No, you don't.
I know I'm a piece of shit, I know I have a problem, but if you just let me make this bet I swear on my life I'll never bet again.
How many times have you said that? I just if I don't do this I'm gonna regret it for the rest of my life.
Look, I found a country pub and I want you to help me run it, but I can't run it with a thief.
But it's gonna win, Dad! Even if it wins, you're going to lose.
Come on! Let's go all in on this pub and move to the country.
My sister moved to the country.
Did she like it? How the fuck would I know? Yeah! Go, Fascinating Rhythm! For fuck's sake! Just get up this once! Alright.
Let's do it.
How about a drink to celebrate? Absolutely.
You go get a round and I'll see you in a minute.
And they're racing! Oh, and Barefoot CEO bursts out of the barriers.
What an incredible start.
I can't see this horse losing from here.
Oh, hey, check this out.
You say smoking kills, I say smoking SKILLS.
Oh.
I didn't place the bet.
- What? - Dad, he turned up.
I couldn't do it to him.
Well, what are you gonna do now? We're moving to the bush.
We're gonna become big players in the regional hospitality game.
Yeah, cool.
Thanks.
Hey! You should come with us.
What do you mean? I know this is weird and we've just met, but I like you.
You're great.
You should do it.
Take a punt on a boy like me you degenerate gambler.
Alright, let's do it.
I will take a punt on perfection! Oh, that would have looked so good if I'd got it in.
Yeah, but you didn't, did ya? - Hello? - Oh, Ian! It's Ririan! Oh, Asian! Spent the last two years wondering what accent you'd get.
Thought you'd get Mexican.
Oh, this genie shit, it's real! It's real, Ian! Yeah.
So, are you saying "It's real, Ian," or "It's Lillian"? It's real, Ian.
It's real, Ian.
Yeah.
I went back in time and I've been living in the past for two years.
It's real weird.
Oh.
Why you not get in touch sooner? I dunno.
I didn't want to mess up the space-time thingy.
So how've you been? Oh, I very bad.
I lost my accent, I got arrested, they have drop the charges but I can't go home, I can't go work.
I no know what to do.
Oh, brutal.
Yes.
Very brutal.
Well, hey, me and Dad are running a pub in the country.
You should come along.
And how's James? Does he have weird hands? I no know.
I ring him but he no answer.
I will go his house.
If you find him, just bring him along.
You guys should stay the night.
OK, I'll try.
Ah, sank you.
Any custard for a fweh? So it worked on you too? Are you alright? Yeah.
Yeah, I'm actually I'm actually the best I've ever been.
Like, I quit my job.
Started this small business.
It's going well.
You know, obviously you know, there's a start-up period, but, you know, I'm actually at at the pinnacle of my success.
Oh, James, is alright.
Oh, it's alright.
Come with me.
Come on, come with me.
- OK.
- Oh.
Alright.
My job.
Got him! Mm! That's, like, $2, man! - Ret's go.
- Get a real job, you dickhead! Do you know that the Australian government, right, is technically an illegal government, right, and if you go to if you go to court and you declare yourself to be a monarch because of some weird constitutional loophole, you'll instantly be found to be not guilty, right? Even if you do some of the worst crimes.
Yeah, cool.
I know 'cause my cousin done it, right? And the judge is actually required to give you a lift home.
Yeah, righto.
So can we get you anything to drink, mate? Ah What's your cheapest beer? - Bushman's Ale.
- Ah, yeah, just one of those.
And do you know that if you see a cop on the street, right, and he refuses to give you his name, rank or badge number, legally you're allowed to arrest him! That'll be $3.
80, please, mate.
Look, I've gotta go and check the lines.
OK.
Guys! Good to see you.
Oh, harro! - Hey, how are you? - Oh, you look great.
Guys! Good to see you.
Aw.
Hey There's two of you.
Double trouble! Oh, does that mean we have to rend you both money? No.
We don't do that anymore.
Yeah, gambling made me sad, but I just learned to love myself.
Literally.
I was weird about this at first and, in many ways, I still am.
Right.
Well, thanks for putting us up.
Stay as long as you like.
Oh, are you serious? Of course.
Mi casa, su casa.
No - WE casa, su casa.
And so I said, "Ah, very brutal.
" And what I didn't mention before is that the Illuminati is controlling the government.
- I love you.
- I love you too.
- That was so funny! - That was so funny! Sank you! You so kind.
You're really, really funny.
All that Japanese stuff.
Hmm.
Oh! Gimme a sec.
The race starts in 10 minutes! Who are you? I'm you from the future.
Why didn't you just get the money? You knew the combination.
You could've put on the bet yourself and I could've just stayed home and had a big wank.
I don't know.
Come on!