Fast and Loose (2011) s01e04 Episode Script

Ladies and gentlemen, for the next 30 seconds at least you're watching Fast and Loose! On the show tonight, he kills 99% of all household germs - Justin Edwards! Who wrote the book of love? Well, it wasn't Pippa Evans! He's on the run from the FBI and DFS - Wayne Brady! He's almost got the same name as an ice cream - Jonathan Mangum! She's the star of Maidstone CCTV's Pubwatch scheme - Ruth Bratt! And he once had a fight with Alan Titchmarsh - David Reed! And finally, would you please welcome your host, a man who sounds a lot like me - Hugh Dennis! Hello and welcome to Fast and Loose.
Tonight we'll be improvising scenes, sketches and TV spoofs, and picking our performers' brains on an array of topics.
So let's play Fast And Loose! Right, to kick things off let's do a game called Showreels.
This is for all of our performers, so please come on down.
We want you to show us the most disastrous clip you could send out in order to get yourself on television.
So are you all ready in the performance zone? Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
OK Off we go.
Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates.
Sometimes you just wind up with nuts in your mouth.
I am my own puppet.
Bang - and my wife was gone! If you're like me, then you LOVE crab! Mmmm And if you'd like to buy this microwave I have nothing left to say about it, I've been here for two days trying to sell this to you, and there is nothing left! And next on Blue Peter, I'll be showing you how to use this clingfilm to make a sure-fire contraceptive.
And welcome back to the Organ Shopping Network.
This week - human livers.
Up next, Stephen Hawking in Dancing With The Stars.
Tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be Gary Glitter! And now, children, it's time for birthdays.
Do forgive me if I don't get your names right, but I'm still off my tits from last night Hey there! Welcome back to Dave's Pizza and Funeral Parlour.
Just cos your grandma's stiff, doesn't mean your crust has to be! Well done, one and all! Fantastic.
Now, I'm very like Kerry Katona in that I guard my privacy very, very carefully and as a result people tend to just make things up about me.
So, performers, what's the most amazing rumour that you've heard about me? I heard - and I don't know if anyone else has heard this that an anagram of your name can tell you how you will die.
It's true.
"Hugh Dennis" is an anagram of "hung in shed".
That's actually how my father died.
Sorry.
Anyone else? Er well, I've heard a rumour that Hugh Dennis isn't your real name and that your surname is in fact Jidiot.
Thank you! Right, and now a round called 7-Up.
This is for Pippa, Ruth, Justin, Jonathan and Wayne, so please come on down.
This round is inspired by the award-winning TV documentary series that follows people through their lives.
I'll be taking the part of the interviewer, asking questions of characters played by the performers at seven-yearly intervals.
So, erm Pippa and Ruth, you are Eastern European twins.
Hey, hey! Justin, you are Napoleon.
Wayne and Jonathan, you are Michael Jackson and Bubbles.
So - Pippa, Ruth, you're seven years old.
How are you? Oh, fine, thank you very much.
We are happy to come to your country and be a part of your strong European Union! We will clean for you Quite.
Now, erm Napoleon, you're seven.
Enjoying it? I am six years old.
I am enjoying my life very much so far.
I am like a normal average French schoolboy.
I read Asterix books, I poo in the shower and poke it down with my toes.
Now how are YOU two? I mean, dare I ask? Good! I'm Michael Jackson and this is Bubbles.
I was always this white.
Right, now, Pippa and Ruth - you're now, erm through the magic of television, you're now 14 years old.
What's happened over the past seven years? Are you still cleaning? Why not? If you have knees, you can clean! Napoleon? My goodness, you've grown.
So you've had a growth spurt in the last seven years - now you're 14 Yes.
I realised that it was very difficult for me to pursue my military career on my knees and madly uncomfortable.
So I have grown tremendously.
And what are you doing now, what job do you have? Oh, it's a little bit of this, little bit of that Mostly in charge of the army.
Excellent.
And Michael and Bubbles are you still getting on, are you still Something odd has happened, hasn't it? Yeah, um I decided to go ahead and be the REAL me.
And, uh and the thing is that folks blame my father for my mind and for me wanting to be a different colour and sometimes even a different species but you can't stop me You can't stop me.
You can't stop You can't stop me! Ohhhhhh! Sssh Sleep, Bubbles It's OK, Bubbles Excellent.
Now, erm now we're 21, so, erm intriguingly, although you've been in the country 14 years now I'm intrigued by your accent - are you still speaking Eastern European? Absolutely! Yes! You have to stay with your roots.
That's right! You recognise us we are The Cheeky Girls! Smack my bum! Smack my bum Smack my bum.
Smack MY bum! So, erm Napoleon, you've lost an arm, have you, at 21, or it's cold, or? A bit of the both.
I've Zis arm has gone to sleep, zis one I have lost in a terrible war but I am I have found employment in a stage production of 'Allo 'Allo! Now, Michael Jackson - and I'm not sure which of you IS Ah, now I think I'm understanding.
So what has happened to you in the last seven years? Well, um I left my brothers to perform by myself, and um I had Bubbles stuffed.
And I had him turned into a rocking chair.
Would you like to Sometimes sometimes when the world gets to be too much, I just sit in my Bubbles rocking chair Ooh, I I remember Oooh I remember Bubbles And the way that Bubbles was a friend to me Ooooooh! Thank you very much! Well done, everyone.
Right, now it's time for a fascinating fact break.
Panel - what is the most fascinating fact that you know? Ruth Erm There are nine million bisexuals in Beijing.
Bicycles! Bicycles.
Bicycles Wayne Cats do not like being placed in microwave ovens.
It's true.
How do you know that? Don't ask me questions you don't want to hear the answer to.
And Justin Well, Hugh, it's a little-known fact - but if you remove Chris Moyles' lower intestine I will buy you a car.
Thank you! Next we play a game called Interpretative Dance, and taking part are Pippa and Ruth.
But first let's meet our special guest performer would you please welcome David Armand! Now, the way that this game works is we play in a popular song and we ask David to illustrate the lyrics through the medium of dance.
Pippa and Ruth will be wearing headphones and therefore unable to hear the music, and they're going to have to guess the song and the artist purely from the mime.
So, erm can you hear me? This could be useful in so many ways.
OK - off we go.
"Eternal Flame" by The Bangles Close your eyes Give me your hand, darling Do you feel my heart beating? Do you understand, do you feel the same? Am I only dreaming? Is this burning An eternal flame? I believe It's meant to be, darling I watch you when you are sleeping You belong with me Do you feel the same? Am I only dreaming? Or is this burning An eternal flame? Say my name Sun shines through the rain A whole life so lonely And then you come and ease the pain I don't wanna lose this feeling Oh Say my name Sun shines through the rain A whole life so lonely And then you come and ease the pain I don't wanna lose this feeling Oh Sensational! Thank you.
So - Pippa, Ruth, what do you reckon? I have to say, it's pretty clear Well, it's something about dreaming.
Yeah, that's there - but there's this Flames Yes! Flames.
Taking a long time with the Long flames Burn.
Burning.
No! Waiting? Time BANGLES! Erm Eternal Flame! Thank you - and thank you to David Armand! Right, well, erm excuse me while I slip into something more formal with the help of my lovely assistant, in order to play our next game, which we call Early TV.
We travel back in time to the earliest days of this medium, and we imagine popular modern television formats as they might have looked in simpler black and white times.
I will be the host, and the other performers, my guests.
We begin with our version of The Jerry Springer Show.
Well, good evening to you all and welcome to The Gerald Springer Show, where today we'll be exploring Why On Earth Isn't My Son Married Yet? Well, with us we have the parents of said son - I believe you are Justin and Pippa, so would you please come on down and explain this appalling situation? Hello! How do you do? How are you? Yes, very good, Gerald.
Pleasure to meet you.
Lovely to meet you.
So Take me through it.
Please do sit.
Yes, thank you.
I'm glad you've taken your hat off, it would be appalling if you were wearing it.
I should go outside and shoot myself or something.
Exactly! Yes.
So tell me, how old is your son? Well, our son is, er As a matter of shame, he's He's 19 years old.
Don't talk! He's I'm sorry, I know my place.
Yes.
Thank you.
And he's not he's not wed at all? I'll be straight down the line with you, Gerald.
I wish you would be.
I'm a simple man - I ride a penny farthing, I've got syphilis and I beat my wife.
But I really am tremendously concerned that our son is not going to carry on the good, strong, solid bloodline that we've laid down for him.
Hmm Well, shall we introduce the son and see what on earth is wrong with him? So would you please come in, David? Father.
Mother.
Hello.
Pleasure to meet you.
Please sit down.
Thank you.
Now, tell us, why aren't you married? Well, I don't see why I should rush into such a thing.
I am having such a lovely time just being a young adult.
What lovely things are you doing? The normal lovely kind of pursuits that a young adult indulges in.
I go to my water-colour classes.
And I engage in a spot of dancing.
Oh, Lord.
Down at the docks.
So you have You are betrothed, I believe? Yes, that's right.
You have a long-term fiancee to whom you've been engaged since you were? Since I was aware of it.
Well, shall we meet her? Ruth, would you come in? She's a lovely girl, Ruth, a lovely girl.
Hello.
Hello.
And did David choose you on his own? No, of course not, don't be ridiculous.
We won her in a tombola.
Yes.
Did you? And here I am, I've been waiting all these years, all these months for him to marry me and he still won't.
What number were you in the tombola? Number 149.
It's my lucky number.
We also picked up a bottle of Pomagne.
So it was a splendid afternoon all in all.
That's absolutely splendid.
And you have no idea why he won't marry you? No.
I think it's because I don't have the things he wants.
No, she doesn't, that's quite right.
This does nothing for me.
I think we have some audience members who would wish to ask some questions.
Yes.
I really do not have a question, I'm merely enjoying my camera time.
Given the decade that this is in I'm very lucky to be in the studio audience.
That's enough.
Sorry.
Well, I think it's probably time to wrap this up, don't you? It's been a jolly interesting afternoon with you all.
Yes.
Thank you so much for coming.
Goodbye.
Right, now it's the part of the show I like to call Funniest Impressions.
This is where I ask our performers to demonstrate the funniest impression they can do.
They can do.
I'm sorry, I had late onset puberty in the middle of that line.
Performers, can you demonstrate the funniest impression you can do? Anyone? For this one you kind of get two for the price of one.
It's purely facial, there's no voice.
This is Renee Zellweger and then if you do this you're Susan Boyle.
Anyone else? I have the distinction of being the only person of colour as an actor who in this place or back home that does an impersonation of Edwin, the uncle from Mary Poppins.
Heaven to Betsy, oh, God, I'm for it! I'm for it! Thank you very much.
Right, the next game is called Upside Down and it's for Wayne and Jonathan, so come down, please.
Now, using state-of-the-art camera trickery we'll create the illusion our two performers are hanging upside down and ask them to sing a song about their lives.
Now, Wayne and Jonathan, you are Tarzan and Jane.
Yes.
And you have to perform to whatever music we play in.
So assume the position, please, and off you go.
Hey mon Hey mon, hey mon Everybody say hey mon Hey mon That was just one guy Hey mon.
Hey mon Hey mon Hey mon Hey mon It's true, I'm quite insane My name is Tarzan and this my bitch Jane That is true and we will be fine If she can find my jungle then she can squeeze my vine Hey oh.
Oh oh.
Hey oh Lord have mercy, come back lord of the jungle, eh Jane.
Because I want to explain Me might be a man but my name be Jane Hold up for a second now Me half simian Hanging from the tree made me Because me swing from vine to vine and leave my butt behind And that is what I do His name is Tarzan Oh, he's a mighty part of the plant Change positions.
Hanging from the tree Hanging from the tree We're hanging from the tree Hanging from the tree Hanging from the tree Woah Life in the jungle Oh, life in the jungle Life in the jungle That is one hell of a tree.
Thank you.
Well, time is moving on so that seems like the perfect excuse for a party.
I'm going to play in some cool music so our performers can chill out and throw some shapes.
And when the music stops I'm going to ask them to say the most unsuccessful chat-up line they can think of.
So let's have our party music, please.
I like my women like I like my Starbucks, weak, with an unwieldy cup size.
Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you? I just want babies! Hey girl, you must be an angel, did you fall out of heaven? Is my dad up there? Is that a ladder in your tights or a varicose vein? Hmmm, you're as pretty as a picture.
Unfortunately it's a picture of some shit.
Thank you very much.
Next up is the feastathon which we call Come Dining.
This is for David, Pippa, Wayne, Justin and Jonathan, so come on down, please.
David and Pippa, you will begin acting out a meal-time scene in a film genre.
When each of your guests arrive you must switch to performing in a different style and as each of you leaves the other performers must revert back to the previous genre.
So, Pippa and David, could you please begin by doing a Carry On film.
Yes.
Wayne, you will come in as High School Musical.
Justin, you are a British war film, and Jonathan, you are Lord Of The Rings.
Well, that's simple enough.
Let's go, then.
So, I've made sausages, I like a bit of sausage.
I like a bit of rump steak.
Oh, I bet you do.
I bet you like a bit of rump.
I do like a bit of rump.
I bet you like a bit of rump in your hands.
I like it.
I bet you like it.
Later maybe we'll have melon.
Let's go, it's time to eat America, it's time to eat I'm an underage kid with a man-size libido, let's eat.
How do you feel about beef? I'm glad we're here, it's probably the last meal we shall all have together.
Sit down, we'll go through the plans.
All I've got with you is some powdered egg and some bullets.
We attack at dawn.
Is it true, sir? Yes.
Are we going to die? We are, but it's all for a perfectly splendid cause, the Queen.
I'm happy to die for the Queen, sir.
Who isn't? I'm not very happy to die for the Queen at all.
No, no, no, you'll be first over the top, Chalky.
Maybe I can have some of this precious food.
The onion ring.
Shall not pass! That was a close one.
Don't shoot me.
Oh, no, what did you call me? Come on darling, come on, we can all get along, can't we? We can get along because here in high school we all believe in love, having a great time and dancing randomly like this.
Oh.
And then there were two, eh? Then there were two.
This does nothing for me.
OK, thank you very much.
Well done, everyone.
Right, now we're going to play a game called Sideways Scene.
This is for Pippa, Wayne and Jonathan, and takes place in the special area behind the set.
So Pippa, Wayne and Jonathan, if you'd like to head off and get ready, please.
Now, you three are going to perform a scene in different genres suggested by me.
The difference is you'll be doing it lying down on our magic mat.
We're going to relay the pictures to the audience on the screen.
The scenario The scenario is that Pippa is a housewife, Jonathan is a vacuum cleaner salesman and Wayne enters as his aggressive vacuum cleaner salesman rival.
So off you go.
Hi there.
Hi.
I notice that your rug is messy.
It's so embarrassing.
Do you have anything that would clean it up really quickly? This one really sucks.
Let me show it to you.
Oh, wow.
Actually the kitchen is better, if you wouldn't mind.
Oh.
You know what, let's just do it right here.
OK.
Wow, that's Some over here.
That really is good.
Yes, the place is spotless.
You're so much better than my husband.
Oh, no.
Someone's at the door.
I'll get it for you.
Hi, honey.
Lovely to see you.
Lovely to see you too.
I was just driving by and I thought to myself, that house looks like it needs a thorough vacuum and I'm here to show you exactly how I get Hold on one second, yes? I was just here selling the young lady a vacuum cleaner.
Well, I planned on coming here and giving the lady a good vacuum cleaning.
Oh, yeah? OK, can we change genre, please, to Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.
I want both you men out of my house.
I shall clean your house.
Clean it, clean down there now.
Apparently we've got to get Wayne's thing back in.
I'm worried that he might actually be dead.
OK, so can you change genre, please, to Spider-Man.
Clean this up.
Yeah, that's right, you both come in my house, manhandling my carpets.
Nobody does that to Spider-Man-Woman-Man.
Snip, snip.
OK, change genre again, please.
This time to Cirque de Soleil.
OK, thank you very much indeed.
Come on round.
Right, that's all we have time for tonight.
Thanks to Justin Edwards, Pippa Evans, Wayne Brady, Jonathan Mangum, Ruth Bratt and David Reed.
And goodnight from me, Hugh Dennis.
See you next time we play Fast And Loose.