Father Figure (2013) s01e04 Episode Script

1 I will defeat Lord Voldemort.
No, I will defeat Lord Voldemort.
No, I will.
I want to be Harry Potter.
Well, you can't - you have a girl's voice, and that's why you're Hermione.
It is I, Gandalf.
You must not quarrel and fight any more, children.
You must come together as one and defeat Lord Voldemort.
Gandalf is from Lord Of The Rings, Dad.
Shove up.
BOTH: Hi, Mum.
Ooh, Tom, can I have a word with you for a sec, please? And who are you supposed to be? MasterChef's Gregg Wallace.
My old friend's coming to stay.
Who? Karl.
I've never heard of 'im? (ELAINE SIGHS) We used to go out.
Whoo! Did you kiss him, Mum? Have you? Look, he's been abroad for a few years and he's coming home and he needs a place.
"Ooh, I love you, Elaine.
" "Take me to Paris.
" Shut it.
There's no way one of your exes is staying here.
You've not met him, you don't know what he's like.
(HE GASPS) You've kissed him.
You've probably seen his bum.
(KIDS LAUGH) Don't get your chin in a flap, he's just going to be here until he finds a place to rent.
(HE TUTS) When's he coming? Tomorrow.
Tomorrow?! KIDS: Tomorrow! Tomorrow! Everybody, panic! He's coming tomorrow! It's the end of the world! (BOYS SHOUT AND WHOOP) I think I'll rest a little more Cos the noise in my head keeps banging at the door Something easy, I'll find hard It's the man in me that keeps me running scared Cos your life spins round like a merry-go-round And you can't escape from these ups and downs Your dream's on hold for this crazy world But I wouldn't change a thing.
So when's this when's this Karl coming? He'll be here about 11, so be nice to him until I get in from work.
Where's he going to sleep - in between us? Clear out the dining room and put a bed up in there.
Uh, OK.
You were never really serious about him, were you? Did you see his bum? No.
Really? No bum? No bum.
It's hard to see much else from that position.
Elaine! I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
You're not really jealous of him, are you, turkey boy? No.
Good, because he's dead fit.
Don't forget to clear all this out for tomorrow.
Yeah.
Ooh, and can you angle the bed so I can see his bum while he sleeps? Missed! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
(HE HUMS TO HIMSELF) Here she comes girls Hmmm! No! (HE HUMS) It's wrong, it's backwards! Ugh.
Ahh Eh How about ye?! Didn't know you'd been to prison, Tom.
Ah, Roddy! Roddy! A little help! (TOM PANTS) Oh, thanks.
Thanks, man.
OK, I'm fine.
I'm fine, thanks.
So is is this Roddy's wee sleepover? Shall I nip home and get me jimjams? Eh, no, it's not for you, it's not for you.
It's for our guest.
Who is it, then? Oh, it's an ex-boyfriend of Elaine's, Karl something or other.
Oh, the housework's piling up, I don't have time for this! Do you know what, with the homework and driving them to their friend's house and cooking them dinners, and the ironing, that piles up like nobody's business.
The washing machine never seems to be off, the dishwasher is never empty, and do I get five minutes to look at meself in the mirror? No, I do not! You're a proper wee mammy, aren't you? I'm always there for my children, Roddy.
Over to me, me.
Lovely, lovely.
Ooh, yeah! Excuse me? Excuse me? Do you know where the nearest newsagent is, please? Stranger danger.
Stranger danger! Stranger danger! You're doing that wrong Tom.
What you need to do is get inside, with the duvet, that's it, go on off you go.
Do you know something? Listen, do you think all this stay at home dad stuff is changing me? Oh, aye, definitely.
I just worry that Elaine doesn't think I'm a real man any more.
Sure, how could she? Look at you! (RODDY LAUGHS) Elaine's looking for a real man.
A real man who'll cherish her, look after her, take her in his arms.
Look into those beautiful green eyes of hers and say, "I'm going down the pub, stick that dinner in the microwave.
" "I don't know what time I'll be back.
" A real man.
She's never talked about this Karl fella, has she? Oh, I get it.
You're jealous.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
I'm not jealous.
Now, why would I be jealous? I've got everything.
Beautiful wife, lovely kids, roof over my head, and I get to stay at home and watch my children blossom in front of my very own eyes.
Not many men can say that.
Actually, not many men do that, son.
It's a woman's job.
Now, come on, let me help you with that.
I'm a dab hand at this sort of thing.
Look, I wouldn't worry about it.
I bet you he's a wee, fat, bald bloke or something like that.
And sure, if he is, I'll see him off, don't you worry, Tom.
I'll see him off for you.
And if it turns out he is a big hunk, a hunk of burning love, you're screwed! Now, look at that.
There you go, Tom.
There you go, huh? (PHONE RINGS) Oh, no no.
Get me out, Roddy! Oh, sorry, it's the pub.
Better go.
Roddy! (DOORBELL RINGS) Doorbell! Hello? I'll get it.
No, I'll get it.
It's all right, I've got it.
Wow, Dad, Superman! Hi.
I'm Karl.
I think you've been expecting me.
So, we'd been tracking them for 14 days, me and Dave.
Who's Dave? Dave Attenborough.
And then we saw the dolphins.
I love dolphins.
Don't I love dolphins, Tom? I love dolphins.
I took some great shots, and when I'd finished, they all made this funny squeaking noise.
Arr-arr-ohh Nearly Roddy, nearly.
It was more like this (KARL CLICKS) What does that mean? "Thanks, Karl.
Thanks, Karl.
" "Thanks Karl.
" Did you hear that, Tom? Yeah, I did.
I did hear it.
Actually, Karl, what does, um (YAWNS) mean in whale language? It means, "This krill is delicious.
" So cool, Dad.
Can we keep him? Please? Oooh! What does that mean? No.
That's a great chin you got on you there, Karl, huh? Thanks, Roddy, but hey, listen, I mean, what do you guys do? I run a pub, and he's a stay at home mum.
No! No, I'm a professional portrait photographer.
Hard to make money from that nowadays, now that everybody has their own cameras.
But when they want a portrait, they still pay a professional.
OK, last one now.
And hold it and got it! All right.
Well done, kids.
Proud of yourselves.
OK, parents, just pick up your photographs.
Well, thanks for taking the time to welcome me into your lovely home.
No problem at all.
I just moved a few things around the diary.
Moved Thursday to Saturday and Friday to Sunday.
I'm really looking forward to seeing Elaine.
You're a lucky man, Tom.
She is quite a woman.
Quite a woman.
Oh, did you ever get married, Karl? Have you got kids? No.
There was only really ever one woman for me.
She made me feel like a real man.
Elaine tells me that you do the housework.
What? No, I tidy up a little bit, but I don't do house housework?! Cooee! Here now, Tom.
Here's that nice peg apron that you wanted.
Mum! This is for people who do housework.
I don't do housework housework?! I knew a fella once did so much housework, he ended up growing a boob under his arm.
What are you talking about? Jesus, Mary and Joseph, would you look at that man's chin? That is a chin, Mary.
That is a CHIN.
Come on, move it.
Clear out, kids.
Let your grandmother sit down.
Its perfect, isn't it, Mary? Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm Tom's mother, Mary.
Mary, what a beautiful name.
I'm Karl, an old boyfriend of Elaine's.
Oh Look, Pat - it's huge! It's huge! Hi, Karl, I'm Pat, what's-his-name's father.
Great chin.
Oh, thanks, Pat.
Thank you.
He's an old boyfriend of Elaine's.
I heard, woman - I'm not deaf.
I didn't think he was an old boyfriend of yours.
Your chin is nothing like our dad's one.
Mum says dad has a chin like a turkey.
It's the family curse, son.
It comes from your gran's side.
You know, if she didn't keep her chin moving all the time with the talking, God knows what she'd end up looking like.
Lads, lads, lads.
Great kids.
Yeah, I had them with Elaine.
And I was naked when I did it.
Well, that's something we have in common.
I beg your pardon? We both love kids.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I love kids.
Absolutely love them! Get out the back! (BEEPING) Oh, excuse me.
Could I just use your toilet for a moment, please? Oh, it's by the stairs.
Thanks.
I think I can find my own way, Rodster.
Fair enough.
Rodster! Got me own nickname now.
He's lovely, isn't he, Mary? He's marvellous, Roddy.
Oh, you have some competition there, Tom.
That is a chin to die for! It's no wonder Elaine fell for him.
Yours is like the loose skin on an old man's backside.
And whose fault is it that I have a chin like an old man's backside? Old flappy mammy there.
Hi, Tom.
Married sex not all its cracked up to be, eh? Oh, Karl, I was, er, just fixing the handle.
Ah, you might want to take a look at this one too.
He was looking through the keyhole.
Shut up.
Hi, I'm Karl.
Karl.
Tim, I'm from next door.
That's a lovely chin.
Thanks.
Not a bad chin-zone yourself there.
Oh! (LAUGHS) Yeah! Yeah, well, I exercise mine.
You? Ah, great, I'm in the middle of a chin orgy(!) I just hit the jackpot in the gene lottery.
Anyway, nice to meet you, Tim.
Best get back to the gang.
Yeah, with the Oh! the gang.
(BOTH LAUGH NERVOUSLY) Shall we? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, the gang.
God, he must have worked hard to get a chin like that.
You wouldn't think it to look at me but I used to have a wretched chin.
Chin up.
Exercise your chin and, in no time at all, you'll have a chin like Karl's.
Exercise?! Yeah, well, there's lots of different techniques.
There's, er, Chinnercise, Chinnerobics, Tai Chin, of course.
Ding, tu-ung, tung, tun! Quick, Tom, Karl's about to start another story.
Hi, Tim.
Ah great, Chinanory(!) Great, Chinanory.
No, can? Do you know what? I got four new spark plugs.
You didn't.
I did! Are they in the car? Yes, they are! Oh-ho-ho! We spoke about this! Yes, we did! So I was surfing Amazon while I was on the Amazon.
(LAUGHTER) You all right there, Tom? Just, er, doing my, erm T-rex impression.
(ROARS FEEBLY) That's very good, Tom, but, erm a T-rex is a little more like, erm (ROARS IMPRESSIVELY) Oh, sorry, Tom.
Elaine.
Karl.
I see you've met my husband, Tom? Karl.
Mm-hm.
Mary.
Elaine.
Karl.
Roddy? Elaine.
Karl.
And Pat.
Oh, Tom, imagine what you could have achieved if you had a chin like that.
You'd be a completely different person.
Yeah.
(GIGGLING) Like this! (LAUGHTER) (MIAOWS) (VACUUM WHIRS) Oh, I just don't like him, Elaine.
Will you stop banging on about Karl? I thought you weren't jealous.
I'm not jealous.
But he eats like a horse.
He's only been here a day and he's already eaten three bananas.
And his coughs sound exactly the same as his sneezes.
I can't tell which is which.
Well, there you go.
What? You've both got the same problem.
His coughs sound like sneezes and your trumps sound like coughs.
That's not my fault.
I was born that way.
It's an odd shape, I know, but it's my odd shape.
He's such a waster! He isn't! He's always up to something.
And he's done a lot of work for the environment.
Not any more than I have.
You? What have you ever done for the environment? (STRAINS) There.
What? Held it in.
And what's he getting up to in that bathroom? No worse than what you get up to in there.
I've seen him.
I've seen him with a syringe.
Taking God knows what in our house where our children sleep.
Don't be ridiculous, he's probably diabetic.
Oh, that's very convenient, that, isn't it? Stupid eejit with his stories about David Attenborough and his dolphin noises.
(STRAINED DOLPHIN NOISE) So annoying! Tom! Oh, thinks he's better than me.
Making sure everybody likes him.
Taking over my wife, house and kids.
(VACUUM WHIRS) Now, have I got your attention? He's not trying to take over your house, wife and kids.
He's not a drug addict and he's staying here until he finds somewhere to rent, OK? Now, what's going to happen now is you're going to turn the light off, you're going to go to sleep and when I take this off your mouth you're not going to say another word.
(GASPS FOR AIR) Good boy.
Stupid chin.
(VACUUM WHIRS) Night! (VACUUM STOPS) (VACUUM WHIRS) Oh! (VACUUM WHIRS) Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah And this little fella is an ocelot.
Like the ones me and Dave woke to find one morning had eaten all our sandwiches.
He used some language I won't repeat in front of you children.
Was it bollix? Dad says that a lot.
That's because he's Irish, Drew.
That's not a swearword in Ireland.
So, will you be looking at a lot of houses today, Karl? Yeah, don't worry, I'll be out of your hair pretty soon.
Oh, no, no.
There's no rush.
Tom was only saying last night how great it was to have you around.
Morning! Just recycling a few things to save the polar bears in the South Pole.
Polar bears live in the North Pole, Tom.
Oh, yeah, well, they do now.
But, yeah, before, they had to move from the South Pole because of all the rubbish in the South Pole.
You're supposed to separate that stuff, Dad.
Well, at least it's further away from the South Pole.
North Pole.
North Pole.
And by doing this, I've saved at least ten penguins.
Polar bears.
Polar bears in the South Pole.
North Pole.
North Pole! Ah, great lads, these, aren't they? Great chaps.
Everything all right today, love? Yep, absolutely fabulous, my darling.
Morning.
Karl.
Nice chin.
Mmm, yes, it is.
I, er was doing a bit of Chinnercise with Tim next door.
What are you doing? I'm going to kill you for this! Take it off, before I recycle your face.
Don't know what you're talking about.
What about ye? Rodster.
Hey, man.
Thanks for inviting me out last night.
Haven't had a night like that since me and Dave had a bit of a messy one in Bangkok.
Bangkok.
Did you, er? Did you go out with Karl last night without asking me? Don't worry, Tom, it'll be your turn tonight.
I think somebody's skinny-dipping in your drink there.
Hey, guys, what about some magic? Yeah, magic! Follow me.
I always loved it when you did magic, Karl.
Karl, wait for the Rodster.
I love magic too.
OK.
There's nothing in the cup.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'll do the magic in the house, thanks, Karl.
OK, nothing in the cup.
Nothing in the cup at all.
It's in your hand.
Well yeah, you can Yes, you could but, er Let me see if I can remember my version.
OK.
Here's a magic coin.
Now, throw it up into the air.
(COIN LANDS IN CUP) (GASPS) Well, yes, that is This is good, but I-I-I've got a better one.
I have a better one.
Great! OK, look, I need an assistant.
(RODDY FLAILS) Roddy.
OK, Roddy, you can help.
OK, right, erm Right, do some magic music while the great Tomingo prepares himself.
So make up magic music.
The great Tomingo! (HUMS CIRCUS MUSIC) Yay, Dad's floating! It's a miracle! Oh, Tom, that is hilarious.
Dad, I can see your feet.
Oh, no, don't Ah! This is embarrassing.
Can we see Karl's magic now? Why don't you do that thing, Karl? What, the thing I used to do in college? Yeah.
Well, I'll need my glamorous assistant.
OK now watch my feet.
Woah, that is so cool! Oh, my God, he was actually levitating, Dad.
Thank you, well Ah, yeah, whatever.
Cooee! Hey, why don't you kids go and play upstairs.
Woah, I'll I'll tell the kids what to do.
It's cool.
They are my children.
Kids, why don't? Yeah, yeah, why don't you go upstairs or out the back and play or? Oh, Elaine, if things had only been different.
We had the world in our hands, could have gone anywhere, done anything.
But instead you chose this.
(TOM SQUEALS) I knew it! I knew you were here to try and get back Elaine.
Looking at houses, me hoop! Hey, Tom, listen, I think we may have got off to a bad start.
Woah, woah, woah, lads, lads, lads.
Come on now, come on now, back off, back off.
Sit down, Roddy.
Fair enough, fair enough.
(ALARM BEEPS) If you'll just excuse me.
Where are you off to, Karl? Off to shoot up a bit of heroin? Tom! Tom! Roddy! What? I don't know what the hell is going on.
Heroin, Tom? Is that what you think? You come here telling us all that you're looking at houses when you clearly aren't and then you keep popping off to the toiler to chase the dinosaur.
Dragon.
Dragon, thank you, Elaine.
Listen, Tom, I was out with Karl last night and I never seen him take any drugs.
Then what's this, Smacky? Tom! Yeah, that's it.
Pop off to the loo there and shoot up a bit of brown butter.
Sugar, Tom.
Sugar, thanks, Mum.
Er I've been injecting.
Yes, he has.
I've been injecting Botox into my chin.
He's put what in his where now? What are we all gasping at? Botox, Pat.
He's been putting Botox into his chin.
This chin, Elaine.
It looks amazing and its great to have around but all it does is cause me trouble.
With a great chin comes great responsibility.
Underneath this is just the chin of an ordinary man.
Why, Karl? You look great, even without that chin.
I'm a fool, Elaine.
This chin just makes so many people happy, except for one person - me.
You know, I secretly thought that I'd come back here and me and my chin would sweep you off your feet and we could start again, but now I realise you've got a great husband in Tom, wonderful children, a beautiful mother-in-law a fantastic buddy in Rodster and Pat.
I don't belong here anymore.
It's time for me to say goodbye.
Goodbye.
(RODDY AND MARY) No, no, no! And to think, I could have been sitting on that chin for the rest of me life.
I'd better go and see he's all right.
I'm sorry for being a Arse, Tom.
The word you're looking for is arse.
An arse.
But why don't you come back again some time? That'd be great.
I'd like that, thanks, Tom.
Bye, kids.
Mary.
Rodster.
Bye, Pat.
Do we make a wish? Eejit! And Elaine.
(LAUGHS HEARTILY) What did you say there, Tom? I said, er, "Thanks, Karl.
Thanks, Karl.
" You know, I was never interested in his chin.
I think I'll rest a little more Cos the noise in my head keeps banging at the door Something easy I'll find hard It's the man in me that keeps me running scared Cos your life spins round like a merry-go-round And you can't escape from these ups and downs Your dream's on hold for this crazy world But I wouldn't change a thing.