Fiasco (2024) s01e04 Episode Script

1
[suspenseful music playing]
I'm in.
What was that?
- You know, like in poker. I'm in.
- Okay.
- Well, I don't play poker. Okay?
- I'm in. I'm in! [loud breath]
- I'm all in.
- Okay, good.
- Don't get too carried away
- No, I know exactly how to play this guy.
- I see him in, like
- What?
- Little mustache, bowler hat
- The opposite.
- No mustache, no hat, no bowling
- Ah, okay.
Simple, understated,
as believable as possible, okay?
Okay. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah!
[dubiously] Yeah.
Let's do a little rehearsal.
- While we're here, just to see.
- Okay.
[deep voice] Uh, hello.
Jean-Marc Torossian.
Hello.
Jean-Marc.
- Your name's Jean-Marc too?
- Wait. No, my name's What?
I said hello. Hello, Jean-Marc.
Ah. That wasn't clear. Try again.
Hello. Jean-Marc.
Hello, Jean-Marc.
Nicolas.
Nicolas
[exhaling sharply]
- Gotta come up with your last name faster.
- Sarkouzu.
- Not Nicolas Sarkouzu, that's too much.
- Yeah. Didn't sound right.
Like I was saying "sarcastic"
or something.
No. It sounds like the former president.
Oh, whatever. Anyway.
Anyway. It doesn't matter.
Giraud. Alexandre Giraud.
That's a good one.
Your name's Alexandre Giraud.
It suits you.
- Whoa
- It's great. It's simple.
- It's dull.
- No, it's not dull.
Yeah. Missing a bit of panache
if you ask me, but
- Okay. When is this again?
- Tomorrow night.
I've booked a restaurant.
I'll come and introduce you to him. Boom.
That's great. Which restaurant?
It's an Italian trattoria. Il Napoli.
Ah fuck, that's not gonna work for me.
- What is it, do you know the manager?
- No, I had a pizza this morning.
It doesn't matter.
Come on, Tom. Just order pasta.
The pasta. Which pasta?
- I don't know, penne arrabiata, boscaiola
- [scoffing]
- vongole
- Yeah! Vongole!
No, that's good.
It's seafood. That's chic. Okay.
- What should I wear?
- The same, chic. But understated.
It's all about being believable, okay?
He's a guy who's rich, but very discreet.
- Okay?
- [snaps] You're right.
I need to gain weight.
He has to look disgusting,
lots of jowl action and a goiter too.
Wait, no. Tom, Tom, Tom.
It's tomorrow, Tom.
- Tomorrow?
- Yeah.
- Man. No time.
- No. There's no time.
[Tom] Fucking shit.
Here, take this.
- Wait, what's this?
- Meal vouchers.
For your trouble.
[emotional] My first acting paycheck.
Mm.
The plan was very simple.
Tom promises the money to Jean-Marc.
Jean-Marc advances the money
that Tom promised him.
I use that money to shoot my best scenes,
and thanks to those great scenes,
I'd be able to blow the socks off Nora,
who'd decide to come back to the film
and then reimburse the money
that Jean-Marc had advanced.
Then everybody would be happy.
And I'd be right back on track
to make the film of my dreams.
That was it.
[suspenseful violin solo
over industrial percussion]
[transitioning into synth beat]
[man] Fiasco! ♪
[British man] What a fiasco.
- [door creaking open]
- [footsteps receding]
[clears throat]
[loudly] Excuse me! Excuse me, everyone!
Just a minute of your time. Hello!
Over here? Excuse me?
I just want to, uh
I just need a minute here.
Uh, one minute.
I know that with Nora leaving,
our jobs have gotten
a little more complicated
and a little harder,
- but I just need you to stick it out for
- [tires screeching]
For a little while
and to put your faith in me.
- [tires screeching]
- Because we are in the middle of
We are working on finding solutions,
and these solutions are going
[muttering] What the hell is that?
What's going on? Just when I was doing
Be right back!
my thing.
- [Magalie] Raph, I need
- Just my freakin' luck.
- [engines roaring]
- [tires screeching]
- Who is that?
- [man] No idea.
[Raph] Is this guy crazy, or what?
Excuse me, but, uh,
we're trying to shoot a movie here.
[Jean-Marc] Hah! That is one way
to get the old heart pumping! Wow!
- [grunts] Hey! [laughs]
- Oh, Jean-Marc.
- What're you doing?
- I wanna introduce you to someone.
Uh Bartabé!
- Guy's amazing.
- [Bartabé] Whoo!
[Jean-Marc] Get over here!
[espionage music playing]
Hey! So this is the studio, huh?
- Impressive, right?
- Come on! Stop it!
- No, I swear!
- Christ! It's huge!
Better believe it,
it goes all the way back there.
Hey, that's amazing!
When I saw him, I was like,
"Wait. What's he doing?
This isn't what we talked about."
12 HOURS EARLIER
- I don't believe this.
- [upbeat music playing]
Great. A flat tire.
What else?
Fuck me.
[car engine revving]
- [music stops]
- Oh, the bastards!
The fuck are they?
I don't know,
but my tire is flat, that's for sure.
Bastards.
Pussies!
Shit, I hate fuckin' vandals!
There you go. You see that?
- What?
- They even tagged your car.
[Jean-Marc mutters] Pricks.
Ah, fuck me!
Well, that's great.
A big dick on the side of my car.
No, it's
I think it's a rocket.
- Well
- The Ariane 5, to be precise.
I'm really, really into aerospace, yeah.
I don't think so.
Look, those are balls with hair on them.
Don't be ridiculous.
Those aren't balls, it's the reactor.
And the lines
are like the air racing past the reactor.
But why would they
spray paint the Ariane rocket on it?
How should I know?
They love aerospace, maybe?
No way, that's too weird.
That's definitely a dick.
Whatever, it's a dick then.
Anyway, good to meet ya.
Yeah, I'm, uh I'm Barn-tabay.
What? Sorry, you're Barta
You said Bartabé?
Bartabé. That's what I said. Bartabé.
With a T, like in, um, tits, you know?
Ah! Ah.
- Tits, yeah.
- You look like you've had a fuck of a day.
- Well, yeah. Not great.
- Oh yeah.
- Don't worry. I'll give you a ride.
- Are you sure?
Yeah, come on. You guys can come too.
- But I gotta make it quick, because
- Sure.
I'm working early tomorrow morning.
[techno music playing]
Bartabé, this here is Raphaël,
our great director.
- That's him?
- Yeah.
- Raphaël. Good to meet you.
- You bet. Bartabé.
- Hm?
- [Jean-Marc] Raph, listen good.
He's interested in investing
eight million euros in our little film.
Eight million? That's
That's a lot of money, isn't it?
- Thank you, but
- [Tom] Eh, not really.
What's a lot of money anyway?
For me, six million, four million,
eight million, one million,
ten million, nine million, eight million
- Three million? For me, it's all the same.
- I can see that.
Like I've always said,
when I make an investment,
I don't go in half-assed.
- I dive in.
- Oh yeah.
- Very well said.
- That's just me.
Unreal. And this your car here?
- Oh yeah, she's mine.
- I see.
- Well, you know. It's very loud.
- She flies!
Mind showing me the inside?
Are you kidding me? Get your ass in here.
Go on. It'll be a good way
to get to know each other. You'll see.
- Sure.
- I'll be in the office, all right?
- Yup!
- Hey, Raph?
Yeah.
- What the fuck are you doing? 8 million?
- Seatbelt.
- We said four. And you look like an idiot!
- Seatbelt, I said!
What're you [yelling]
Why're you doing this?
So we don't raise suspicion.
I gotta treat you like everyone else.
No, no, no, no, no!
Stop! Fuck Tom,
the meeting was supposed to be tonight.
- Why couldn't you wait?
- I know, I improvised.
Don't worry, he totally bought it.
Fuckin' shit.
Jean-Marc is in. Hook, line and sinker.
I know this character inside and out.
I even made a fake Wiki page.
- What?
- No seriously, Raph.
It's, it's the role of my life.
- So thank you, bro. But I
- No, don't thank me!
Don't deviate from the plan!
I decide what we do, all right?
- Fine.
- And this car, what?
- Tom, you don't expect me to pay for this.
- Watch it!
Do not call me Tom, all right?
You're playing with fire.
Don't make me break character,
it could be dangerous.
And stop worrying.
Jean-Marc is paying, just enjoy it.
I'm not
No! I'm not enjoying it!
[laughing]
- What? Jean-Marc is paying?
- Forget about it! Learn to have some fun!
- No!
- There are no limits!
- [maniacal laughter]
- Stop, fuck!
- Jean-Marc gave me his debit card.
- All right, just stop!
Give me his card and stop the fucking car!
[both sigh]
All right, Raph.
You're my friend. I'll stop.
Okay, well, thanks.
Too bad, at least
we can say we tried, right?
It wasn't a great idea
and that's on me, I'm sorry.
Now, we just go to Jean-Marc,
tell him Barnaby has to
Bartabé.
Bartabé, uh, has another project
in the United States,
and then you shake his hand
and disappear forever, all right?
All right, but Tom wants
to play Ivar the Viking.
Hm?
If not, Bartabé
No, he won't have another project
in the US at all. Mm-mm-mm.
No, no, no.
Don't start with that.
Anyway, it's impossible.
We got Eric Vanbruck,
an excellent Dutch actor
I'm afraid you've lost Vanbruck.
- What?
- The Dutchie got ditched.
Bartabé fired him to make way for Tom.
Okay, you're a mental case.
I'm going to tell Jean-Marc. I've had it.
- Lemme out. Lemme out of the fucking car!
- Seatbelt.
Oh yeah.
Okay, Jean-Marc,
I can't take this anymore.
I gotta come clean
before this spirals out of control. I
[snaps] Bingo.
Holy shit.
- [incredulous] No!
- Oh yes, my friend.
- [giddy] No way!
- [Jean-Marc laughs]
- Oh my God.
- It's crazy, right?
It'll be 130 feet long by 40 feet wide.
This is unbelievable, but I
I've always dreamed
of something like this, but
Is it really gonna look like this?
Yeah. Right now
it's sitting in port in Cannes,
but we've already started
the restoration on it.
It's gonna be ready.
This is crazy.
You know, Raph
You know what this means, right?
Thanks to Bartabé,
we're doing it. Our dream film.
The one we've always wanted.
[breathlessly] Yeah.
[Raph laughs, sighs]
And we're gonna do this right,
buddy boy. [sniffs]
[Raph] No, but [laughing giddily]
So, uh, tell me. You seemed
a little upset when you walked in.
You wanted to come clean about something?
Yeah! No, come clean. Uh.
That's right. I gotta come clean.
We we got a real problem with someone.
Well, with who?
Well, with
With someone. Hm.
With, uh, uh
What's the guy's name again?
With, uh
Dimitri!
Yeah, no, this guy, uh, Dimitri.
Dimitri, he's, uh he's
Well, the guy's a real problem.
He's slacking off.
The guy is never where he needs to be.
That's it. The guy
Dimitri, he's gotta go.
[Dimitri] Uh, I'm right here.
[Raph] Huh?
I'm right here.
Yeah, well, that's fine, but it's
It's too bad, but that's the problem.
You're you're here, but you're not here
or wherever it is you're supposed to be,
uh, Dimitri.
So I'm sorry,
I'm trying to be nice about it,
but, uh, you need to grab all your stuff
and go.
I'm sorry. But, uh
you leave me no choice.
[Raph sighing] You know,
you try to be nice to people, but
No. No, no. No, no, no.
Dimitri, Dimitri! Dimitri, oh!
[forced laugh]
Oh, I was joking! It It was a joke.
[laughs] He really wasn't
playing along with my improv.
- He took off.
- [Dimitri] Aah!
Just walked right out.
Not walked. He's, uh
- Yeah, I didn't get it. [laughs]
- Not an improv guy.
- Sorry.
- No, no. Get back to work.
I was worried there.
Ahh. No, it wasn't him.
Well, then who is it
that you want us to get rid of?
Right, no, wait, hang on.
Uh It's not Dimitri, what's their name?
No, it's Fabienne, there. It's Fabienne.
No, Fabienne. Yeah, she's gotta go.
Fabienne, very sadly she
She's not here, is she?
- Yeah, she's right there.
- Ah.
[Deaf accent] You talkin' about me?
I do something wrong?
Oh my God.
Because I'm Fabienne.
Yes, yes, no, yes. You are, uh, Fabienne.
What is the problem?
None. There's no problem.
There's no problem, I
You don't like my face?
No, no, I adore your face.
- Adore it.
- Well then, what?
No. You didn't hear me right.
[loud and slow] You heard me wrong.
You heard me wrong.
Oh God.
Yeah, no. I'm being a goof.
I'm a goof, making jokes.
I'm doing a bit,
I'm making jokes. Uh. See?
I don't know if she
I'm joking around!
Having a laugh. [extremely fake laugh]
That's it. I'm done.
Well, now I had no choice.
The role of the Viking
would go to Tom. That's it.
Well, Bartabé.
[panting]
[roars]
[horse whinnies]
[Raph] Fear not, Viking.
I come as a friend.
I come as a friend.
[growls]
[dramatic cello and drums playing]
Who are What
What is
[music stops]
What is it you
Who, uh Who
Who goes for for, uh
for, uh
Who goes forth, huh?
- What is this riddle? Stick to the script.
- Roll with it.
What? No, I'm not rolling with it.
Just say the line.
- Put away your skeggox!
- Yes!
You see before you
the messenger for the Lady Huguette.
I ask for a mere pittance, sire.
[hesitantly] Yeah.
Yeah
- I come only for a small
- Yeah, I heard, I heard. Uh
[roars] For Valhalla! [laughs]
- Hah! Come on guys, laugh with me a bit.
- [others laugh]
Not bad.
- Do you not know your lines?
- No way! Yes. Of course.
- No, you don't.
- No.
- Yeah, no.
- What? Let's just improvise.
Uh, Zuzu, Sven, Skol!
And, uh, Eric!
Let's drench him in mulled wine
and roger this meek squire!
- [Raph] All right, cut.
- What a waste.
- He won't improvise.
- I need you to stick to the lines. Cut!
Somebody get me the props master
and have him make some cue cards, please.
- Why don't you roll with it?
- Read the lines!
THE DELICIOUS BELLY OF THE WILD BISON.
[Magalie] Number ones, please.
I KNOW THE TWISTS AND TURNS.
HERE, TAKE THIS BREAD.
WHO SEEMED TO LEAVE YOU NO RESPITE.
[Magalie] Places, everyone!
THE DELICIOUS BELLY OF THE WILD BISON.
[dramatic music resumes]
Stranger.
You seem weary after a long voyage
that has left you no respite.
And yes,
I know the twists and turns. Here.
- Thank you.
- Hang on.
- [music stops]
- And
A piece of bread!
Take this piece of bread.
- Thank you.
- Yes.
- [music resumes]
- Where might I make camp for the night?
The delicious belly of a wild bison!
[grunts loudly]
[sighs]
And what will we have
the honor of dining on, sire?
[laughs]
Behind my hut. It will be warm.
- No. You got it wrong, you inverted it.
- What?
You inverted the lines, you read the axe
then the coat. Didn't make sense.
- What? No, I
- [Magalie] Yes.
- Ah, I inverted it. Got it.
- Yeah.
- Uh Keep rolling.
- Still rolling! Quiet on the set.
Raph, just lead me in
The thing about dining? What are we?
What will we have
the honor of dining on, sire?
[grunts] Hang on. Ah, fuck.
All right, gimme the line.
What will we have
the honor of dining on, sire?
On the 'elly of the wild bison.
Aw come on, "the 'elly of a wild bison"?
What the hell is that?
- Fuck me. Sorry.
- Cut! Cut!
Yeah, fine! Cut! But half of my line
is buried in the stupid stump.
- How am I supposed to read the damn thing?
- Okay, but 'elly?
Look, I think the best thing maybe
is if I just memorize the line.
It would've been better
if you did that earlier.
I'm on it. Just gimme a sec.
[man] pick up anything else?
- [Raph] Bartabé?
- Yeah?
- Speak to you for a minute?
- Some son of a bitch took all the jam.
Uh, look, I'm sorry,
but you gotta help me out here.
Seriously, I need you to focus.
- It's important.
- Ah [exhales]
Raph, I'm sorry, it's just
that I'm wearing a couple of hats here.
As you know, I'm playing Ivar,
and I've got another character, Bartabé.
And under that's Tom,
so I'm a bit [whistles]
But Tom is you. That should be easy.
On the surface maybe,
but my real name is Daniel.
What do you mean?
What are you talking about?
Crazy story. In the maternity ward,
a kid named Danny
- No, Tom. Stop!
- What?
Forget it. We don't have time.
Please just help me.
Listen, just remember one thing.
And that's, Ivar does
everything he can to seduce Ingrid.
I mean, the Lady Huguette.
For this man, that woman is everything.
She's a treasure. She's his whole life.
To him, her eyes are like a poem.
When he sees her smile,
or hears her voice
- He's loved her since he was 14.
- Just like you and Ingrid, then.
Yeah.
Yeah. All right.
Okay.
[groaning sound]
- You okay?
- Yeah. [sighs] I'm good.
- Got it.
- Okay.
Oh fuck, I got it.
So for Ivar, the Viking,
to fall in love with Lady Huguette,
that would mean Bartabé the producer
has to fall in love with Ingrid. Ho!
- Sure, if that helps you.
- Fuck, that really helps.
- You really gave me something there.
- I did?
For me to do this well, I gotta fuck her.
Right.
No.
[yelling] No, no, no! No!
No, you don't! No!
Bartab Wait!
Bartab Tom!
Ah! Oh shit!
Fuckin' branch!
[panting]
Mamma Mia!
Ingrid Flaumenbaum.
Hello, Bartabé, great to meet you.
O'Connell. The co-producer.
As I'm sure you've guessed,
I'm playing Ivar the Viking.
- [Raph] No!
- We'll be working together.
- Great to meet you.
- No! Don't fuck her. Don't fuck her.
- Hey. [awkward chuckle] You all right?
- You okay, Raph? You look kinda
I just ran over,
I'm good, are Oh, nice dress.
- Thanks.
- Okay. Uh
Sorry, but what you're doing here
isn't method acting.
You two can't be talking
all nice and friendly here.
You see, because since you're playing
You're a Viking.
And she's a vassal of Charles the Fat.
So you're mortal enemies.
Just wanted to tell you.
Because in the film he's a deserter.
And I mean, he's actually,
um, um, a bastard. A prick.
- Real piece of crap.
- Is that in the script?
No, but you have to be able to read
between the lines, Bartabé, you know?
Be a pro. All right, so
As of right now, what I need from you two,
do not talk.
- No talking at all.
- [Ingrid] Okay.
Right up until we call wrap.
That is method acting.
But that's crazy, isn't it?
We can't even, uh
Nope! Nothing at all!
Method acting.
[lip smack] Okay?
All good?
[Magalie] Okay, the dog just finished
sniffing everyone, and by the looks of it,
we've been able
to narrow down the suspects.
Wardrobe, makeup, hair.
So if you were to ask me
- Ludivine.
- [Jean-Marc] What?
- It's Ludivine.
- But why Ludivine?
[sniffs deeply] Smell this?
- You ready to puke yet?
- [mumbling]
Uh, no. It smells like dog.
Yeah dog, but it also smells like
alkaline batteries. Ludivine's bad breath.
- You can smell it?
- [Magalie] See for yourself.
- That pongs.
- Sure does.
But to say for sure it's Ludivine
You fired her because you thought
something wasn't right, and so did he.
The chick is shady. So, you just
have to follow your instincts.
- Wait, that's not why I fired her.
- What do you mean, you fired her?
Oh, no, no, no.
No, this is no good.
[splutters] We gotta get her back.
Uh. Why do we have to get her back?
Because she's your boyfriend's sister?
She's [choking noise] She's
Well, she's Well, she's
Well, what I didn't say before
is that Ludivine,
she's, uh, Cedric's sister.
My partner.
Simply put, she couldn't be fired.
Well, tell us. What is it?
[sighs] Well, it's
[hems and haws]
cancer.
[Magalie and Raph] Huh?
Cancer.
- [Raph] Wait. What?
- Yeah.
I didn't want to say anything,
but she's got cancer.
- Oh no, fuckin' hell.
- [Jean-Marc] Yeah.
Oh no, fuck me.
Can't be fired.
All right, so what I didn't tell you
was that Ludivine had cancer,
and that, um
Hang on, no.
Uh no, that's what I said
so she wouldn't get fired.
Sorry about that, I'm afraid
I got all my lies mixed up there.
Uh
No, I'm gonna I'll rehire her.
- [Magalie sighs]
- Thank you, Raph.
So now I had, uh, all of this to deal with
but I also had to keep investigating
the mystery of the vermilion sweater.
And I got this idea.
"I'm gonna talk to the security."
"I'm sure there's a camera
in the wardrobe department."
- [tense music playing]
- [Raph] Thanks for doing this.
- No problem. You ready?
- Yeah, yeah.
[guard] There he is
walking into the wardrobe department,
he takes the sweater, and as soon
as he turns, we see his face. There.
Oh, fuck.
I don't fucking believe this.
[music fades out]
[sighs]
Look at that.
- [gasps, whispers] Oh fuck, it's Eliott.
- Yeah. Yeah. [shushing]
- Oh, the son of a bitch.
- Mm-hm.
And of Jean-Marc too.
- Did you tell Jean-Marc it was his son?
- No. Absolutely not.
I have a plan, but to work,
it has to stay between you and me.
- You can trust me, don't worry.
- Okay.
If he shows up, you absolutely
cannot let him near the set.
- Okay.
- He's dangerous.
- Okay?
- Yeah.
- We'll talk later.
- Okay.
[tense music playing]
- Good evening.
- Good evening.
Thank you for coming.
Just have to
show you something real quick.
So?
What is that? Hm?
What you're seeing is the surveillance
video that proves that the mole
who fucked up our shoot by uploading
that video on the Internet, is
is your son.
It's Eliott.
And?
And now there are two solutions.
[clears throat]
- [music ends]
- Sorry, I
I'm a bit nervous. I'm not accustomed
to blackmailing people, so
I'm not used to it, you know?
Anyway, listen. I'll
I'll get to it, sorry.
We're looking at two solutions.
The first one is
either we press charges,
and everyone will see this video
and know it's Eliott.
And Jean-Marc
will never speak to his son again.
- Or we forget about it
- Hm.
and you continue financing us,
put your money back into the film.
[Nora sighs]
Do I have any time to think it over, or
Mmm
No.
Obviously, she agreed to come back
and finance the film to protect her son.
Yeah.
For me, I had not only just saved my film,
but as an added bonus,
I could get rid of Bartabé.
Then there was Ludivine.
I had to rehire her, yeah.
I want to thank you
for revisiting their decision and, uh
Paying for a portion of my salary
from your own pocket, that's really
- No worries.
- great of you.
- You're a good guy, Raph.
- Ah, thanks.
When I heard, I
- I was touched.
- [Ludivine laughs]
- And you're looking great, upbeat, really.
- Yeah! Yeah, I'm good!
[forced chuckle]
- How are you doing?
- Pfff
- Tell me.
- Listen, I
How's it going with, uh
[whispers] with Ingrid.
[embarrassed laugh]
Is it that obvious?
Ah, well,
you know how I know, right?
I smell.
Yeah, I know.
- [both chuckle]
- Are you getting anywhere? How goes it?
- Yeah, it's going, but not too
- Eh?
Not, uh
- Well, it's kinda stalled, actually.
- Oh.
Want some advice?
Yeah.
Behind all your shyness,
show her you can be fun and spontaneous!
I don't know, organize something.
Something like a party. Anything!
I like that. That's a great idea!
A party. That's great!
I'll invite the whole crew.
[Ludivine] Oh yeah!
[calls out] I'm having a party!
I'm having a
- Great idea!
- Smart, huh?
- Yeah!
- It's party time.
- [giggles] Literally, right?
- Yeah.
Yeah!
I'm I'm not sure what you mean.
A party.
- A party, right!
- Yeah!
It's party time!
A little slow on the uptake, here.
[chuckles once]
[laugh trails off awkwardly]
You shouldn't go to the party tonight.
But why not?
Well, uh
Well, because you want him
to miss you, and
get him jealous.
Anyway, that's what I always do
when I wanna lure a guy in.
Yeah, but that's not
That's not really the most mature thing,
and I don't "lure men," uh
It's not like I'm trying to reel in
a trout. I've never seen it that way.
But
since Raphaël is already dating someone
Raphaël's dating someone?
Oh yeah. With, uh
What's her name? Uh. Sarah? Yeah.
Dating Sarah? Yeah.
Okay.
- Well, thanks Gabrielle.
- Thank you.
- Have a good night.
- Hm, you too.
[Gabrielle] As it turns out,
Ingrid is a couple of Smarties
short of a box.
But, hey, that worked out great for me,
because she believed they were dating.
I found the perfect way
to keep her from getting close to Raph.
And Magalie was really happy with me.
[Tom] So the guy says,
"Sorry, honey,
when you asked for whipped cream
I thought that's what you meant."
[both laughing]
- I never heard that one.
- [Nora] Jean-Marc!
- What the hell are you doing here?
- You know exactly why I'm here.
- I saw the footage.
- Footage? What footage?
You better not be watching our film.
You're not welcome here anymore.
Hang on, Jean-Marc,
I'm not talking about that.
I don't give two shits
about what you're talking about.
I'm working with Bartabé now.
I don't need you anymore. You got that?
Do you have any idea
what could happen to our son?
Oh, don't bring him into it!
Is everything about our divorce to you?
I know you were never able
to get over my affair with Cedric
- I'm not talking about that!
- I don't know what you want me to say.
So just stop, you're no longer my problem.
Now be nice and fuck off!
Jean-Marc,
you're going to regret
what you're doing here.
I guarantee it.
- Hang on, I got it.
- Okay, good. Can you help me with mine?
[box rattles]
I, uh, I remembered
to bring Trivial Pursuit.
- Always comes in handy.
- Yeah.
Okay! Where is everybody?
I told them to be here at 7:30.
[Jean-Marc] I have no idea.
And, uh, Ingrid?
- Do you know when she's
- Give it a rest.
- What? I was just
- Just stop.
- since I invited her.
- Enough.
It's just that
not everyone's here yet, so
- [Hervé noisily eats chips]
- Well.
- Let the battle begin!
- [Jean-Marc] Let's go!
Paintball! [firing noise]
[distant party sounds]
No. Raph? No. Uh, I wanted to invite Raph,
but you know how it is.
I mean, the guy fired Ludivine
and that didn't go over very well
with a lot of the crew, so no.
- It would've been weird if he was here.
- [Slice] So he doesn't know about it?
No, I told people not to tell him.
And anyway, Bartabé needs to Barta-play,
if you know what I mean.
I gotta get back in.
[dance music playing]
Uh, okay!
So if you catch it in your mouth,
that's, uh, that's one point,
and whoever Wait, half a point?
No, let's say two points.
Okay, so two two
two and a quarter points
for each ball you catch,
and, uh, if you, uh, if you
if you get enough points, or I should say
earn enough points, you get a joker.
- [Magalie] Got it. Let's go.
- Here we go.
- Oh, almost.
- Ah, that was close!
I thought it was so cool
when it happened. Seriously.
- Yeah?
- Great.
So, uh, did you happen to catch them
on that show the other day? The interview?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
Yeah. I saw it, all right.
[laughing] That was crazy.
- You know what I think?
- What?
It's karma.
Uh, no. It wasn't karma.
It was Karim.
[confused laugh] I don't get it.
Uh, actually, I was the one
who poisoned them, uh
The laxatives in their sandwiches.
Hang on, you were the one
who made them have explosive diarrhea?
In front of millions of people?
- Uh, yeah.
- Why'd you do that?
Uh, well, to get back at them
for what they did when they fired you.
- 'Cause of that? Really?
- Uh
Yeah.
I don't think I know this movie.
- [De Niro-esque] "Are you lookin' at me?"
- Doesn't ring a bell.
- "There's no one else here"
- Robert Robert De Niro!
Yes, yes! De Niro!
Crazy night, woo! [laughs]
Okay. Another impersonation.
Okay. Uh Uh All right.
Uh [deep voice]
"Excuse me, Ma'am. I don't understand."
- Colum Colum Columbo!
- Columbo.
- No, no.
- Not Colombo?
- No. Jean-Marc!
- I said it before he did.
- It was Jean-Marc.
- So I got it, right?
- No way. I said "Columbo" way
- No, stop! Whoa!
It's Jean-Marc I'm doing.
[doing voice] "Uh, guys, uh, bad buzzing?
Uh, I don't understand."
Oh yeah?
"Can I see you in my office?
Uh. I just wanna talk."
That's not me at all.
[dance music continues]
Thanks.
Hang on. Uh, I'm gonna do Pacino again.
[phone dings]
- [Hervé] Uh
- [Raph] Okay, uh. Hooah!
[whispers] Right now?
- [Jean-Marc] Wow.
- [Magalie] Uh, Raph?
- Yeah?
- It's getting late. We're gonna take off.
- Yeah. I should probably go too.
- Same here.
No, no! The night's just getting started!
- And it was awesome. Thanks so much.
- [others agreeing]
- Early to bed, early to rise!
- [Gabrielle] Good night.
- See you.
- You never got a text from Ingrid?
No, I never got one. All right?
Well, that's it for me too.
- Jean-Marc?
- Huh?
This sucked, practically nobody came.
Almost the whole crew.
Come on, Raph, it's nothing against you,
they're working like dogs
and they're all exhausted, that's all.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
No, I'm telling you it was great.
Really. It was
a very enjoyable night, I thought.
- I don't know.
- It was. This was very generous.
All of it, yeah. Huh?
- See you tomorrow, all right?
- Sure.
- You're not upset?
- No, no. Go on.
- I'll clean up.
- Great, all right. Fun times.
You really don't have
to clean up tonight, you know.
Anyways. It was fun, eh?
- Did he just take a bottle?
- [cameraman] Yeah.
Why would he take a bottle?
What's he doing?
[distant dance music playing]
[muffled party sounds]
[Jean-Marc] Hey!
[door creaks]
Fuck this! Stop!
- [music cuts out]
- [roar of disappointment]
[yelling angrily] Okay, stop!
I'm not disturbing you guys, am I?
We've got a huge scene to shoot tomorrow,
but apparently that doesn't matter to you!
- Raph, we're just having a little fun.
- Is that right?
And all this fun is happening
behind people's backs, right?
That's cool, huh?
Did you think of the people
who weren't invited to your little party?
- We weren't the ones who fired Ludivine.
- Oh yeah?
How about, Dimitri, he's not here.
I'm pretty sure he didn't fire Ludivine.
- I'm here.
- Oh. Hey, Dimitri.
Great that you're here,
but it's nothing to be proud of, buddy.
Come on! No!
I'm pissed off, guys!
This is not professional behavior!
It's off the scales.
And Ingrid, don't you know it's courteous
to show up when you're invited?
Especially when
I had something to tell you?
- I just
- I mean, what is that?
How about you, Ludivine?
You can't be serious.
Don't you have chemo in the morning?
What? It's early, they caught it early.
What do you want from me?
Yeah. And Bartabé, did you not hear
what I said about method acting?
This isn't method acting.
You're talking when I said
- I told you!
- No! We didn't say a word.
We haven't said anything all night.
Well, it doesn't matter,
because I just looked at the script
and we don't need your scenes,
I'm cutting them.
So there, that's a wrap for Bartabé.
Give him a hand, picture wrap for Bartabé.
Come on, let's give him a hand.
[a few timid claps]
So there.
Seriously, it's just not cool,
you know? It's not.
It's not cool. Fuck it.
He cut all my scenes.
[crew murmuring]
Well, at least we can talk now.
Yeah.
Nice to meet you.
Yeah, you too.
[Tom, panting] At first,
I was majoring in science,
but I didn't feel right in that program.
My forte isn't math,
I'm more into literature.
Like what?
19th-century poetry, um
like, Rimbaud, Mallarmé, Baudelaire.
Oh, Verlaine?
Yeah, he's all right.
Not my favorite, but I like him.
[both moaning]
[distant party sounds]
Ah fuck, Raph, where were you?
I was looking everywhere for you!
And when they were organizing the party,
were you looking for me then?
[sighs] Yeah, I fucked up.
Look. I'm really sorry, Raph.
But you really lost your shit in there.
Why did you say that to Bartabé?
We can't lose him.
Can't lose him?
The guy's an asshole, I cut him loose.
We don't need him anymore anyway.
I'll spare the details,
but Nora's back on board.
- No, she isn't.
- Yes, she is.
I don't think so, after
I told her to fuck off at the studio,
I'm pretty sure she's out for good.
What're you talking about?
Well, I told her we didn't need her money
since we have Bartabé.
- And she could kiss my ass.
- Bartabé didn't say anything?
Yeah. Sure, he was there.
And he said something all right.
Hang on a second. Relax, just stay calm.
Come on now, don't take off like this.
Let's have a little chat.
We're not gonna regret anything.
Okay? That clear for you?
We don't need you.
Your wounded lioness act
might work with other people
but not with me
and you need to know that now.
We're gonna do this film
without you. Understand?
So take your nickels and dimes
and useless vouchers and get lost.
Tramp.
[Nora murmurs] Slimy bastard.
Tell me he didn't do that.
He did it all right and let me tell you,
he did it with panache.
Not short on panache, Bartabé, huh?
Yeah, he sent her packing.
What?
Nothing.
Yeah, Nora. It's Raphaël.
I'm calling because I just heard
what happened earlier today
and I wanted to apologize profusely
on behalf of Jean-Marc and Bartabé.
[Nora] Forget it. And by the way,
the only thing Eliott is guilty of
is borrowing a red sweater from wardrobe.
He couldn't have posted the video
since his cloud was hacked.
What do you mean?
Now that you have nothing
to blackmail me with,
it would be nice if you leave me alone.
No, Nora? Nora! Just a second please.
Just listen to me, Nora
Hello?
Fuck!
Where is this asshole?
Where is this fucker?
Bartabé!
I really enjoyed Thailand, it's gorgeous!
There are some real hidden gems there.
Yeah, well, Thailand left me
with very bittersweet memories.
How so?
Because it was right before 200,000 people
were victims of that tsunamiiiiii [moans]
[both panting and moaning]
[sad music playing]
- [Tom] It's great to meet you.
- Yeah, you too.
[exhales]
- Fucking prick! I'm gonna kill you.
- What's up?
- Fucker!
- What's the matter?
- You got rid of Nora, you fucking idiot!
- Buddy, it wasn't me, it was Bartabé!
But don't worry, Bartabé's got money.
Are you fucking nuts?
Do you even know what you're saying?
There is no Bartabé, he has no money!
It's all Jean-Marc's money
we're spending, moron!
Fuck!
You're fucking up everything I care about!
You're fucking my film!
Ingrid!
Are you serious right now?
You're the one
who told Bartabé to seduce Ingrid.
No, asshole!
I never asked you to do that, Tom! I
I don't fucking believe this!
You wanna know the real problem?
It's that you're a loser, Tom.
This wouldn't have happened
if you weren't so fucking stupid.
- [tragic violin music playing]
- You're useless!
Thanks.
Okay, Raph, you're right.
I'm just a useless piece of shit.
A real asshole. Huh?
But I'm gonna end this now.
I'll go tell Jean-Marc.
- No, no, no. Stop.
- Yeah, yeah!
- Stop!
- Let me go!
- I'm gonna tell Jean-Marc. Get off.
- Tom!
- Let me go.
- Tom!
[tragic violin music continues]
[quietly] Oh, fuck. Tom, you okay?
Tom? Tom?
Oh! Come on, buddy!
Tom? Hey!
Fuck me.
Fuck.
Fucking shit.
Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck, Tom.
[British man] What a fiasco.
[rap song playing]
Get up on the scene
Let 'em play the reel ♪
Take the money shot
Make a face to pay the bills ♪
Pilot
All private jets on an island ♪
- I might be a mess but I'm stylin' ♪
- It's a fiasco! ♪
If they came for the drama
Let 'em stay for the Armageddon ♪
They want a cape and some armor
High stakes, models and weapons ♪
Empty bottle prescriptions
Unscripted with lip injections ♪
They want it all but the karma
But I'mma make sure it get 'em ♪
It's a fiasco till the fame ends ♪
A fiasco! ♪
Baby, who can blame them ♪
It's a fiasco and they can't win ♪
I dare another actor
To face me out of makeup ♪
I'll put that hammer to your mirror
Watch it crack ♪
See if the man in it won't break up ♪
Snatch you at your interview ♪
Make you swallow the mic
And the camera ♪
Now you got that inner view ♪
No need to front
If you don't want trouble ♪
I'll bust your fun bubble
Slap you and your stunt double ♪
Grab your manager and slap him too
See what a clap can do ♪
To prove that I will literally
Shoot anybody just to laugh at you ♪
- [music ends]
- [British man] What a fiasco.