Filthy Preppy Teen$ (2016) s01e04 Episode Script

1
[clapping]
[upbeat music]
- Many of you may have heard
that our two most popular
and wealthy students,
Meegan and Chaad Bishop,
were lost at sea
three months ago
and are presumed dead.
- Mom, Dad
we're alive.
- I'm going to pretend
to be gay.
- You're what?
- The gay clique
is the most powerful crew
at my new school.
If I can fit in with them,
it's a chance to totally
reinvent myself.
- The annual fund raiser,
the Running of the Poors.
And for Meegan and Chaad Bishop,
a recent inmate.
- What?
She sabotaged us.
♪
- When I ran
for school president,
I promised that I would bring
a state-of-the-art
hair-removal studio
to this school,
and while my opponents
pleaded for a return
to the antiquated notion
of natural,
'70s-style hairy beauty,
I promised
that if you elected me,
you would have shafts
and cat flaps
bald enough to eat off of,
and so
it is with tremendous pleasure
that by ripping off
this giant waxing strip,
I christen this room
the Brewster Bay Prep Academy
Waxing Lounge & Spa.
Brace yourselves.
This will sting.
[instrumental music]
[applause]
Let's wax.
♪
Just a test run on my nuts,
then we'll head
to the office, okay?
♪
[soothing music]
- President Gober is secure.
♪
- [sighs]
[dramatic music]
♪
Hi, you're my waxer?
♪
Okay, well,
there's no time to waste.
My bags are starting to look
like Sweetums
from "The Muppets."
[muffled screaming]
♪
[skin hissing]
♪
- I'm so sorry to disturb you,
Mr. President
Mr. President?
♪
No pulse.
We've got a code 96.
- Death by hair remover.
Got it.
♪
[upbeat funky music]
♪
- I feel the sun
on my shoulders ♪
I'm warm when I'm with you ♪
- President Gober's
memorial service
will be held
at 3:00 p.m. today.
- I feel the love
taking over ♪
- [crying]
- I'm calm now I'm with you ♪
- I just didn't think
I'd be so affected by it.
He was really ushering in
a new era of optimism
and excitement, you know?
New alkaline water fountains
and cold-press water.
I guess this must be how
our parents felt
when they lost that dude
from Sublime.
- I'm just a girl
in a white dress ♪
- You know?
- Hi, Meegan.
Nice campaign poster.
- Thanks, uh
curly hair
Curtis.
- Kadelyn.
How'd you get something that
professional done so quickly?
I mean, the president's bones
aren't even dry yet.
- Ohh.
I know who you are.
You're the newspaper girl.
It's just
Gober knew that change
requires momentum,
and he would not
have wanted us--
he wouldn't have wanted us
to stop just because--
that he accidentally died,
so
my intentions are totally pure.
♪
Chaad, what the hell
are you doing?
[scoffs]
Can't trust this doofus
with anything.
- Sorry, Meegan.
- Why do I even
keep you around?
Come on.
[dramatic music]
♪
- I know you're hiding
something, Meegan Bishop.
Everyone's got skeletons.
- Too soon!
- Sorry.
[phones ringing]
- No, no, no.
Thank you.
Thank you so much, Martha.
Yes.
No, I knew we could count
on you, thank you.
- So you better pick up
the pace, Meegs.
You're trailing me by 38 points.
- Parker?
You're running?
- Yeah, my dad says
if I want to get in
to my first choice school,
I can't just coast
on "being a lawyer."
He's so right.
I'm so glad he pushes me.
Sometimes past
my breaking point.
- You can't be president.
Your family's boat
is made out of fiberglass.
You're white trash.
- [laughing]
What? Really?
You've got a fiberglass boat?
That's embarrassing, Parker.
Oh, my God.
I have to text that to Ezra.
- No, we were gonna get a boat
made out of wood, really.
It's--it's really hard
to maintain wooden boats,
and so we got fiberglass.
It's cost-effective.
- Send it to everyone,
Braff.
[phone chimes]
- The text is sent.
[phone beeping]
- Oh, no!
♪
- Dang, that got around fast.
- That's right.
Politics.
- I don't know.
It doesn't seem fair.
Are you sure you really want
to be doing this?
- Of course we do.
Well, the dirty tricks
are your job.
I have to stay above the fray,
so go out there and get
some dirt on those candidates.
- No.
♪
No, for too long have you
pushed me around
just so you can be queen.
Well, no more.
From now on
♪
You're on your own.
♪
Meegan and Chaad are done-zo.
[sweeping dramatic music]
♪
- Go, man.
♪
[instrumental music]
♪
- I know you did this, Meegan.
♪
- Whoa.
What are you doing in here?
This is a crime scene.
- I'm, uh
Wait, you're Meegan's brother,
right?
Chaad?
- Yeah.
- [chuckles] Can I stay?
If I'm just
trying to get laid?
- That's nice.
- [laughs]
[techno music]
[both groaning]
- Wait, wait, wait.
Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, that's there.
- [sighs]
- Can I ask you something?
Why do you let Meegan
push you around so much?
I mean, she treats you
like I treat my parents.
- Yeah.
Without Meegs, I'd be stuck
on a desert island.
She does crap
all over me, though.
I think I'm getting to the point
where I'd be into
maybe betraying her.
- You know,
I wasn't gonna mention it,
but I'm investigating
President Gober's death,
and I think your sister
had something to do with it.
Helping me would be
a pretty effective way
to stand up for yourself.
Plus, remember when
I had sex with you?
- Okay, I'm in.
- [chuckles]
[upbeat music]
♪
- [muttering]
I'm so mad.
I just can't even
- Come on, come on,
come on, come on.
- God, get off me, Braff.
What do you want?
- I have never seen anybody
take anyone down
as officially
as you did Parker,
and now, people are saying
you and Chaad
might be done-zos?
I want in.
Let me be
your right-hand man.
- What do you get out of this?
You're the gay mafia capo,
Braff.
You don't need me.
- Let's just say
I'm looking to
diversify my portfolio.
- What, like more Asian guys?
- Never mind.
Look, it's good to have the ear
of the president.
Now, currently,
you're trailing in fourth,
with Beatrix ahead of you.
Now, it seems like
the only demos that like you
are the ugly girls
who'll do anything to be liked.
- [groans]
- The poor kids who think
they have a chance with you.
- Ew.
- And the horny male teachers.
In other words,
the male teachers.
So if you have any chance
of winning,
you need more secrets
to take down your opposition,
and people tell me everything.
So do you want to win?
- Uh, yeah.
- Then let's get started.
First off,
Darcy Swede.
Everyone's fawning over her new
fake eyelash extensions.
What they don't know is that
they're actually genetic.
- Okay, good for her.
- Uh-uh.
- Darcy's actually got
a severe hormone imbalance:
too much testosterone
coursing through her veins.
She's got extended hair
everywhere.
[dramatic music]
[phone camera clicks]
- [gasps]
- Got you, betch.
[phone beeping]
- Benedict Armoire,
British transfer.
Highest number of sexual
partners in the school,
just 'cause he's got an accent.
- Let's deport his ass.
- I got blueprints here.
- Yeah, my friend gave me those.
What's up, man?
♪
- Oh, my God, this kid's
planning on blowing up
the Carter mansion.
Call the FBI.
- Oh, come on.
[tablet beeping]
♪
- Your old nemesis, Beatrix.
You know, her campaign
is majorly funded
by the cram cartel.
- So we send that bitch
to prison.
[phone beeping]
- [stammering]
Wait, wait, whoa.
Whoa, you--you got Beatrix
sent to prison?
I thought we were just
gonna make her, like,
resign or something.
That's not cool.
- You got to be more specific.
[suspenseful music]
♪
- Hey.
I need to see the security
footage from the opening.
- Oh, um,
the security footage?
- Mm-hmm.
- Sure.
Well, yeah, I--
- Shh.
Have you ever done it
in a closet
Dave?
- [stammering]
A closet?
- Uh-huh.
- No, I haven't--
- [chuckles]
- This closet?
[techno music]
I don't know.
- [moaning]
- Oh, my God.
- [moaning]
[both moaning]
♪
- So what do you say now?
Can I look
at the security footage?
- Oh, yeah, that's what
I was gonna say.
That stuff isn't off-limits.
It's open and available
to everybody.
[chuckles]
- [laughs]
Come on in, Chaad.
- Already here.
[instrumental music]
- Let's wax.
[applause]
Just a test run on my nuts,
then we'll head
to the office, okay?
♪
- There, that.
See the time code there?
That's when the president died.
She couldn't have done it.
She was making out
with Mr. Neenan.
- No, no, no.
this isn't right.
We're missing something.
We need to analyze this more.
I'll AirDrop it.
Hmm.
Got it.
Let's go.
- Oh, sorry.
I got the key card.
- Shh.
Let's see if I can talk you
into opening this door for us.
- I--I'll open it now.
We don't have to go back
in here.
[both groaning]
- God.
♪
- There's got to be
a connection.
[somber music]
- Well, maybe Braff could help.
He knows that world.
He lost an election to Gober
last year.
- What?
- Yeah.
- Braff lost to Gober last year?
Don't you think
that's an important detail?
[dramatic music]
♪
- My God.
- But why?
♪
- Hi, Parker.
- What do you want, Meegan?
- I just wanted to let you know
that the presidential race
is over.
All the other candidates
dropped out,
so it's de facto me.
- Huh.
That's not right.
Yeah, you're still
trailing second in the polls.
- Behind who?
- Behind me.
♪
- You?
- Uh-huh.
You know, thanks for taking out
all the competition.
Now we've got a race
between the handsome,
popular picture of our future
genderqueer America
and you, Meegan.
A withered, dusty old turd,
bleaching in my sun.
♪
See you at the debate,
sucker.
♪
[upbeat electronic music]
[applause]
- Brewster Bay Prep Academy,
we will now begin
the presidential debate.
Please welcome your moderator,
Headmistress Tarcher.
- What?
This bitch has it in for me.
♪
- Hello, Braff.
- Hello, Ms. Tarcher.
- Hello, Ms. Tarcher.
- Students will wait
until they've been asked
a question to speak.
Shall we begin?
Braff,
you have found yourself
at the forefront
of cutting-edge taste
and cultural progress
as the leader of our gay mafia.
What's the best Beyoncé song?
- Are you kidding me?
What kind of question is that?
- Do not interrupt me!
Braff,
you were saying?
- Look, Brewster Bay Prep,
I know you all want
to give it to "Drunk in Love"
or "Love on Top,"
but it's high time
that this school
embraces the truth.
Search your soul,
and you will find
the best Beyoncé song is
"Countdown."
[cheers and applause]
[dramatic music]
- Excellent response
on a subject that we
do not talk about enough.
Meegan, the next question
is for you.
More and more,
the public school system
finds itself unable
to resolve the conflict
between the need to hold
poorly performing teachers
accountable
and the relative ease with which
they achieve tenure.
How do you propose we solve
this problem?
♪
- Uh
- And so ends the first half
of our debate.
We will now have
a pointless intermission,
as if Meegan stands a chance
in the second half.
[applause]
♪
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where do you think you're going?
- Ugh, come on.
[techno music]
[both moaning]
♪
- Oh, God.
Oh, God.
♪
- She's completely railing me
out there.
- Better luck next time, baby.
[laughing]
- It's over, Braff.
We've got you.
- Got me?
- We know you're the one
who assassinated Gober.
We've got you on camera.
- No way.
Oh, my God, you're screwed.
This is amazing.
I didn't know you had it
in you, Braff.
- I don't.
I didn't murder anyone.
You've got it all wrong.
- Uh-uh-uh.
We have got you on camera.
- That's because
♪
I was having sex with a girl.
♪
Fast forward, Kadelyn.
Do it.
- Oh, my God.
- We were going at it in one
of the waxing stalls,
so nobody would see us,
but then the president came in.
We had to hide in the closet.
Otherwise, we'd both
be exposed,
Darcy for being
secretly hairy,
and me for being
secretly hetero.
♪
- Hi, you're my waxer?
- We heard everything,
and the struggle was awful,
but we were too scared
to look out.
Look, I don't know
who murdered the president,
but it wasn't me,
and you guys, you can't tell
anybody that I'm
- Who cares
who murdered the president?
It looks like
I'm about to be president.
I've got you, Braff.
- Meegan, no, no.
You can't use this.
- I hope you enjoyed
that first round.
Let's see how the school feels
about your boring,
one-note sexuality.
♪
[applause]
- Welcome back.
And before we finish,
do either of you have
any closing remarks?
- I do.
My fellow
Brewster Bay students,
first off, I'd like
to thank you all
for your support
that you've shown me
and my staff
throughout this campaign,
but before
I talk about myself,
I'd like to talk about Braff.
You see,
our friend Braff here is--
- Not cut out to be president.
[all gasp]
- I'm--I'm simply not cut out
for this.
I'm a proud gay teen
with cheekbones carved
from marble,
and I've enjoyed the popularity
that's come with it.
I entered this race
thinking about how
I could benefit
from the popularity and power
that comes with being
in the student government.
I wasn't thinking about
how you all would benefit.
I owe you more.
I owe myself more.
♪
Headmistress Tarcher,
I hereby
withdraw from the race.
I'm no match for Meegan.
♪
- Braff, I'm sorry.
I guess I'm no better
than Meegan.
I just--I so wanted
a front-page story
that I sacrificed my integrity
in the process.
I guess we'll never know
who murdered the president.
- [scoffs]
Open your eyes, Kadelyn.
♪
- Thank you to everyone
for believing in me.
To show you how excited I am
for a fresh start,
I would like to put aside
our previous public
disagreement
and formally nominate
my brother Chaad
as my chief of staff.
[applause]
♪
- Meegan and Chaad
are done-zo!
♪
- No.
- What are you doing here?
This is a crime scene.
- I'm, uh
No, no, no, no, no.
♪
Son of a B!
I should have watched
the whole tape.
♪
[cheers and applause]
- Thank you.
♪
[indistinct speech]
♪
You did this.
- We did it.
Slide it.
♪
- Now let's really get to work.
[cheers and applause]
[upbeat music]
- St. Patrick, like,
completely invented the idea
of partying.
When he drove the snakes
out of Ireland,
everyone was so happy
that they partied
for two straight days.
Check it.
Check it, check it, check it.
- Whoa, where'd you get those?
- Long story,
but a buddy of mine
owns a snake farm.
- You should even try out
for the school play.
They're doing "Leprechaun"
this year.
- If anyone here
is not committed,
then you can get the hell out!
Yep, no, Meegan,
you are one of the leads.
You have to stay for this, okay?
Anyone else.
- Jacques is probably out there
banging some bimbo.
- What you need to do
is cheat on him.
- Now they all use
this new app, see?
- Two can play at that game.
[phone camera clicking]
- Look.
- I think you have a stalker.
- Oh, my God.
That is so cool.
[upbeat music]
♪
[yeti growls]
[wind blows]
[typewriter keys clacking]
[typewriter dings]
[clapping]