Flatbush Misdemeanors (2021) s01e04 Episode Script

How long I gotta be
married to your mother
before you respect our union?
I'm not calling you Dad, man.
Sorry if I interrupted
you and Jasmine earlier.
You good. I'm done with her.
At least you don't try
to impress niggas.
That's what I like about you.
You brought her over.
You must like her.
I don't care about her.
She got a long second toe.
What's something that says,
like, I love you,
but also, I respect
that you're my professional superior?
You got your mom out here, like,
my sister won't even
answer the fuckin' phone.
Shit crazy.
Niggas really don't
give a fuck about me, man.
This is what them V-Vs do
You see the V-Vs,
I busted all the T-Ts too
Fantastic.
Yo, you heard that?
I said V-Vs and T-Ts.
Don't let that shit
go over your head, dawg.
Bark.
Bruh, no disrespect, man,
but I'm just trying to show you
this album cover I designed
and get out of here, like
Nigga, why you ain't just DM it to me?
'Cause my shit's been stolen
before even with the watermark.
Ah, I feel you.
Niggas ain't got no respect
for the artist, bro.
Exactly. So check it. Um
Can we, like, go into
another room or something, so
No. Baby sleep. Let me see it.
This shit hard.
- You did this?
- Yeah. Appreciate it.
So maybe you can just
CashApp me a hunnit
and then, you know,
I'll send you the files
and we can do it like that.
It's just
Yo!
Yo! Why would you do that?
- What the fu
- I'm not gonna hold you, bro.
I ain't got no bread, all right?
But I got 10K on the Gram. Okay?
We goin' viral. I'ma tag you. Okay?
All right, bro.
Yo. Let me out of here, man.
You got to wiggle it and jiggle it.
I'm fuckin' wiggling
and jiggling, nigga.
Let me out of here.
Jiggle it, wiggle it.
Wiggle it, jiggle it
Spinning on the ops like a pendulum
Whoo!
- Nigga, you trash, bro!
- You just a hater.
You a TikTok rapper, nigga.
You never gonna make it, bro.
Don't wake up the baby!
No one lives on Mercury,
but that planet controls
our communications.
When it's retrograde, we might
misunderstand each other.
Why so glum, chum?
Bruh, every time I try to sell
my work, I get played.
This nigga really just stole my shit.
I'm I'm sorry.
Should I try to find a bright side
or just be sad with you?
Just say what you got to say, man.
Okay, well, he didn't pay you,
but if he took it,
that means he liked it.
Like, your last client hated your work.
Is that supposed
to make me feel better?
I see why they won't let you coach.
Bro, how did you
Was the door unlocked?
No. I cut a key.
I had to, ever since you
started locking your door.
Can't be too careful in this
neighborhood nowadays,
even if Flatbush is
being gentrificated.
Yo, can you make me one?
- Got you.
- Yo, Kareem.
Kevin and I were kind of
in the middle of something.
No, we weren't.
I mean, just let me We sort of are.
Well, what are you doing here?
I told Mom I'd be over
for dinner later.
We in a little contest.
And it'll make her
happy if you come over
and help us before dinner.
What contest?
Ah. Check this out.
We tryna win the Best Window Box
in the Greenest Block
in Brooklyn contest.
And they judging tonight.
So now we gotta go
and try to cram
some green shit into our box.
- Do you really need my help?
- I don't.
But your mama want to
spend some time with her son
who she ain't seen in months.
Now put your shoes on.
- Ah.
- Months?
And Maria said she ain't seen
your square head ass neither.
- I've been busy, bro.
- I'm sorry, Kareem.
Tell her I'll be over for dinner.
I just I just want
to rest first, if that's okay.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
You think I give a damn
about what you want?
I respect a woman's choice.
Now, everybody, let's go.
Family first.
I can't, man. I got a date tonight.
Oh, I stand corrected.
Pussy does come before family.
Mm.
Come on, son. Let's go.
Who you fuckin' in that phone?
Jesus, dude. Come on.
Come on. Your boy Squarehead,
he getting ass and he
ain't even paying rent.
You breakin' somebody's back, right?
No, I'm not breaking backs.
Are you at least bruising them?
What's bruising? No.
I'm not breaking or bruising.
- Come on, man.
- Hey.
What about the chick in your school?
- You smashing?
- She's my boss.
And I we almost did.
But I fell asleep before.
You supposed to get the ass,
then fall asleep.
You kids do everything
backwards these days.
Well, I took too many benzos.
It's like this anti-anxiety pill.
They relax you but
then make you tired, so
Mm-hmm. Oh, no.
You're taking the wrong pills.
I got some shit that gonna
make your dick stand up
like a soldier in Buckingham Palace.
That's not the issue. It's
No, I mean, like a Confederate statue
that's been up for centuries.
Big, white.
You circumcised?
Dan, you're home! Oh, you're home!
This is so much better than
talking to you on the phone.
I know. I'm I'm sorry.
But I'm I'm here.
But I am sorry.
No, I'm sorry your
pills made you pass out
before you could have sex with
your professional superior.
Wait, wait.
How do how do you know that?
Yeah.
- Me and your mama communicate.
- That's true.
Maybe if you communicated,
you'd be fuckin'.
Okay.
- Baby.
- Yeah.
Where the horny goat weed pills at?
Oh, they're in the bedroom
under the mattress.
No, no. I'm never gonna use those.
I'm never gonna use those.
- Come here.
- I'm not gonna use those.
Well, you should.
I'm glad you could help me and
Kareem win the Best Window Box.
I just really want to beat Charlotte.
- Who's Charlotte?
- I told you about her.
She's this goy chick who
moved in down the block.
Right. Okay, okay.
I didn't remember "Charlotte,"
but "goy chick," I do remember.
- Okay. Yeah.
- She won last year,
and she goes on and on
on all the Facebook groups
about how green her thumb is.
She's got the perfect purple hydrangeas
and her happy family
photos in the window,
and her son is helping her,
and I just want to beat her.
Okay. Yeah. We'll try to
win so your neighbor's sad.
Kareem is gonna go pick
some more begonias
for our window to tape to the top.
You should go with him
while I finish dinner.
Oh, no. Like, I'd rather not.
I mean, I came to see you, so
You really don't like him, do you?
No, no, no.
Don't don't worry about that.
I don't, but you do.
It's okay. You married him.
You hate him that much
that you'll barely see me now.
Just five-minute phone calls.
I'm I really don't hate him.
I would not have married him.
But that's fine.
We have different types.
I just want you guys
to share something together.
Like, just it would be
nice to feel like a family.
Okay, okay, okay, I'll try.
Aww. Okay.
Mwah! Oh, my gosh.
I'm so happy you're here for dinner.
I am making steak, by the way.
Well, I've I've never seen you cook.
- You cook?
- Oh, sure.
You just follow each step,
and then add something random,
and it's unique and original.
Kev says hi, by the way.
He wanted to come,
but he has a date tonight.
Oh, is he still dating that nice girl?
The one with the she had the
birthmark on her right cheek
and the royal blue braces?
What? Keturah from eighth grade?
- Yeah.
- No.
- They they broke up.
- What's she doing now?
I figure she went to ninth grade.
And then after that,
it's anyone's guess.
Ashwagandha.
That should tie your
dick over in the meantime.
I don't need my dick tied. It's okay.
Come on.
These big, old niggas
ain't gonna pick themselves.
They're begonias.
Don't say that at the store.
- Come on, son!
- Don't say son.
Ah ah ah
Mom seems really happy. It's weird.
What's weird?
You just see, like,
a very different version
of her than I've known.
When we met, she was always
going through this or that.
But when she's feeling down,
I pick her up.
Yeah. Well, thanks for helping her.
Of course. You know,
she does the same for me.
That's love.
- Keep a lookout.
- Yeah. Wait, what?
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
What are you doing?
- What are you doing?
- Competing.
That's right. I'm about
to kill these damn flowers.
Yo, stop. Let's get
the begonias or whatever.
Oh, no. We not doing that.
Look, you can play offense
or you can play defense.
And defense wins championships.
This goy bitch is going down.
Oh, this is the goy
Yo, yo, stop, stop, stop, stop.
Yo, come on. Enough with
the weed killer, man.
Weed killer, no?
That's puppy piss, man.
Give me my bottle.
Why do you have
You don't even have a dog.
I used to.
- This is old.
- Okay, yeah.
I'm gonna go get the flowers.
I'll see you back there.
Have fun with this. Jesus, dude.
All right.
Steak and potatoes are ready.
Mmm!
- Aww.
- Mwah!
Ooh.
K, you smell like a natural disaster.
- What happened?
- Life happened.
Took us a few to pick up them flowers
'cause we had to
take care of something.
Oh, okay.
- I'ma go wash up.
- Okay.
Okay. I'm sorry, Mom.
I can't I can't stay for dinner.
- I just have to go.
- What? What happened?
I I just he's so weird.
He's just so fucking weird.
He makes you happy?
This this guy makes you happy?
He's weird, I'm weird.
What's the what's the problem?
I'm glad I'm really glad
you're in such a good place now.
- I I can't forget how it was.
- What do you mean?
Like, I don't know who you are.
- You're taking ballroom dance?
- Can you believe it?
With how good Kareem already is
It just bugs me how
much better you are now.
How is me being better now a bad thing?
Because it's tough for
me to play house now
when I had to take
care of you for years.
I don't know, why couldn't
you fix yourself then?
You never took your meds.
Like, refused.
I had to constantly try
to fix your mood.
And I never could.
I had to try to make sure
you were okay always.
And I fucking resent that.
And that's why it's hard for
me to come over and to see
this, like, weirdly happy,
calm, alternate world.
I don't know what to tell you.
I'm sorry. I've said I'm sorry before.
And I it wasn't
it wasn't fun for me either.
I want to see you. But you're an adult.
So either forgive me
or or don't.
I don't know.
What the I had her all happy!
Leave for two seconds,
and look what you did.
- It's okay, it's okay.
- I didn't do nothing.
Come on.
- Come on, babe. Come on.
- Okay.
- Yeah, okay.
- Come on, come on.
Breathe
breathe.
All right.
- All right.
- Okay.
- All right.
- Okay, yeah.
All right.
- I'm I'm sorry, Mom.
- Oh, it's okay.
I'm sorry I didn't take
my pills back then.
It's just that you had
to take them with water.
And I hate drinking water.
I know, I know.
Can you show me the photos of
Kareem teaching you to drive?
Oh, yes. Okay.
Here I am driving a truck.
Okay. Now, as Kareem says,
instead of 10:00 and 2:00,
think of it as 1,000 and 200
because trucks are bigger.
That's right!
That's exactly right.
He's so good.
Damn. Fuck, man.
Oh, shit.
- Yo, what you doing here?
- I came to get Mom's medal.
I texted you like five times, bro.
- My bad. I'm sleep.
- Yeah. I see.
That's why your ass is always broke.
Get off, man.
I missed you, too, Georgia.
Oh, you want something to drink?
Nah, I'm good. I'm about to dip.
Me and Sade going to this hookah spot.
Now you stay doing dope shit.
Nigga, hookah's basic as fuck.
My girl just need to
be basic right now.
Oh, you getting good
with the painting, son.
It's fire.
- I appreciate it.
- It's fire.
Yo, you think you can
get me a job at the label?
I just did an album cover
for this dude Mar 10s.
He, like, the hottest nigga
in Brooklyn right now.
They saying he the next Biggie.
He got 100,000 followers on Instagram.
Everybody know this nigga.
Never heard of him.
But I already told you. I'm a engineer.
- I can't help you.
- All right.
Yo.
- You sleep on this?
- Yeah, why?
Nothin'.
Thanks.
Ah, yeah. Perfect.
What, you leaving?
Yeah, man. What you finna do?
I ain't on shit.
I was supposed to link with this girl,
but she flaked on me, so I don't know.
Word.
Wanna do some shrooms?
- Yeah.
- Hell yes.
Let's do that shit.
You know how dogs are our pets?
He was saying that back
when it was dinosaurs,
there was bigger humans and
the dinosaurs were the pets.
I'm not saying no, listen,
I'm not saying that's facts.
I'm just saying it's not not facts.
- Whatever.
- I'm shady.
Yo, what are you doing?
You can't just wet lip someone
else's joint like that, bro.
Here.
Oh, my bad.
I only seen this done in music videos.
Oh, you gotta get out more, bro.
Being out just make me realize
how much I like being inside, you know?
- Am I the only one that's hot?
- Nigga, shut up!
- You killing the vibe, man.
- Y'all not hot?
Oh.
Thank you.
- Yo, Jas. What's up?
- Hey.
- What's up?
- What you doing here?
What you doing? What you doing here?
Hey.
Yo, the universe just keep
bringing us together, I guess.
Like, crazy, like
why you ain't just tell
me to meet you here?
This spot is dope.
Oh, my homie came
from out of town last minute.
- My bad for cancelling.
- Oh, where she at?
I got a whole section back here.
Oh, no, no, no. We good, we good.
I ain't trying to cramp your style.
- Don't worry about it.
- You're not cramping nothing.
No, it's all right. Just hit me later.
- We can just talk about it.
- Pardon me. No disrespect, son.
I ain't know which
flavor hookah you wanted.
So I just got all 12.
It's nuffin'.
- Oh, damn. You got all 12?
- Yeah.
Oh, shit. My bad. I'm sorry.
This my homeboy Kevin.
- Kevin, this is Rich.
- What's up, Kev?
What's up, man?
Yeah, I'ma just
So, like, I was thinking
about the grape or something.
- Grape? I got this.
- You know what I'm saying?
- Where'd you go?
- Um
bitches, man.
Can you relight this
and then send it over there?
Yeah. Thank you.
Nigga, go get my fuckin' bottle.
Come on, man. It was almost done.
Chill, like
I had two glasses left.
So, what, I owe you, like, $32?
That was a $400 bottle, Kev, man.
400 for some Tito's?
- Couldn't be me.
- Nigga, it wasn't you.
Kevin, go get my fuckin' bottle.
All right. I got you.
Yeah, hurry up.
He's so stupid.
- What's up?
- Yo, my nigga.
What the fuck are you doing, bro?
I'm here with somebody, nigga.
Are you dumb?
You flake on me to be out
here keke-ing with this nigga.
Now you rejecting my hospitality.
How I'm wrong?
You're wrong 'cause you're over here
when you need to be over there.
Like, fuck is you talking about?
- Take your bottle and go.
- Word?
So you don't want the Tito's?
All them times we was in the crib
and you said you wanted some Tito's.
Now I got you some Tito's and
you don't want the Tito's. Okay.
Kev, I don't know what your problem is,
and I'm not tryna be disrespectful,
but I'm not your girl.
I'm allowed to reschedule.
Yeah, you can reschedule,
but not today, Jas.
Like, I had a whole day
planned out for us.
You ain't even think to
ask me what I put together,
like
It's only so much time
we have left in this world,
and all we have are the
people we care about,
and I wanna spend time with
you 'cause I care about you.
- What you have planned?
- Huh?
What did you have planned?
We was gonna see a movie
and then I was gonna
be spontaneous with the rest.
Kev, look, I like you.
But all we do is Fire Stick and fuck.
Sometimes I just want to get dressed up
and be taken care of.
So that's it?
All a nigga need is 12 flavors
of hookah to bag you?
Yo, you a whole bird.
I don't even know
Okay, nigga, you a whole fuckin' bum.
Like, you losing me.
This why I don't ask you for shit.
Don't fuckin' sit here and judge me
'cause I like nice things
that you can't afford.
But, Jas
You got me tight right now, my nigga.
Look, you the one who said
you ain't need none of this.
I don't need none of this shit,
but it's nice to have,
and I'm definitely worthy of it.
You need everything you like?
- Nah, but
- Okay.
All right, well, stop making sense.
What I'm saying is
if you wanted this shit, you
should have just told a nigga
this is what the fuck you wanted
'cause then I wouldn't fuck
with you from jump.
- It's easy as that.
- Kev
- Come on.
- Kev, get up.
- Nah.
- Kev, get the fuck up.
- Why? For who?
- Oh, my God.
What's up, man?
It's good, bro. You thirsty?
No, nigga. You thirsty. Thank you.
Damn, you strong as shit.
Take your fuckin' shot. Oh, my God.
Who was that? Your little cousin?
Yeah. On my dead stepmother's side.
I'm sorry about that, baby.
Shorty just been lying
to me the whole time,
talking about she like broke niggas.
- Like
- Nobody likes broke niggas.
Exactly. I know.
That's why I thought she was different.
I don't know, bro. I'll be honest.
- The bitch ain't shit, Kev.
- Thank you! I've been saying.
'Cause anybody fucking with you
right now is not a prize.
A bitch with her shit together
does not want to fuck no
nigga that lives on a couch.
A bitch that will fuck with any
nigga in your circumstances,
you gotta ask yourself,
"Does this bitch respect herself?
Does she even have standards?"
Feel me?
'Cause if she's fuckin' with you,
the you you are right now,
she's out here makin' bad life choices.
You can't be with no bitch
that's making bad life choices, man.
You deserve better.
I don't know how to feel.
You was about to fight over
a bitch that wasn't your bitch.
You should feel crazy.
Nah, you're right.
I was buggin', I was buggin'.
You just don't know
how to deal with adversity.
That's what it is.
Everything just came naturally to you.
You got good grades,
but you never studied.
You draw, but you don't practice.
You talented, but you lazy.
How you think I got
bottle money and bitch money?
I worked for it.
I got bad grades,
and my underwears
had dick holes in 'em.
- Shit wasn't easy.
- I feel like Dan.
Yeah. You fuckin' up, dog.
You moved here with no plans,
no connections,
you doing drugs now.
It's all bad.
You the one that gave me the drugs.
- What are you talking about?
- Yeah.
But I wouldn't have gave you that shit
if I knew you was gonna be
all tweaking and acting crazy.
You got boogers in your nose, man.
What if Mommy seen
you out here like that?
What would she think?
You got to get your
priorities in order.
You moved here. That's half of it.
Now you just gotta focus.
Invest in niggas who invest in you.
Move out of that apartment.
- Or at least fumigate it.
- Yeah, you're right.
I'm not trying to be there forever.
- It's just
- And blow.
That shit nasty.
Mm.
It's gross.
Are you sure you don't
got no plugs at your job?
I wish it worked like that.
But yo, here.
Take this. Shit got Photoshop on it.
Probably mad other stuff you could use.
I was gonna sell it, so don't trip.
Bro, thank you.
I love you, bro For real, for real.
- I love you.
- And I love you too, man.
I love you back.
I miss kicking it with you.
- We should link more often.
- I know. What's up?
- Let's get up next week.
- Mmm. Can't.
I'ma be in Europe
for, like, seven months.
All right, next year.
Maybe we'll get together next year.
- Maybe.
- Okay. Maybe.
Just call first, though.
- Yeah, definitely.
- All right.
All right.
Ooh.
WBKU's live-tweeting the
Best Window Box in Brooklyn.
- Whoo! Yes.
- Okay.
Tenth place.
- Not us.
- Okay. Huh.
Hey, y'all just leave
the door open or what?
- What's going on?
- Oh! There he is!
My favorite boy!
- What's up, aunty?
- Ooh!
- It's good to see you.
- Oh, gosh.
You are the absolute sweetest.
Now, are you sure you don't
want to get back together
with Keturah?
- From the eighth grade?
- Yeah.
She wouldn't even recognize me.
Oh, no, no, no. She would.
- You look exactly the same.
- Mm-hmm.
But let me know if you
need anything, okay?
Um, I'm good actually. Thank you.
Okay.
You know what?
If you could get Dan to get, like,
- a nicer couch
- Okay.
just, like, one of those loungers,
- that'd be sweet.
- Dan, buy Kevin a nicer couch.
Yeah, yeah. I heard.
That was a helpful domino right there.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Ah!
Damn, she looks so happy now, man.
It's crazy.
Remember when she
cursed out that bus driver
for stealing her purse?
That's still why she loves you.
You ran eight stops to get her.
Thank you for coming to this.
Yeah, man. You know, y'all
always come through for me,
so I figured I'll come
through for y'all.
I'ma gonna try to get you
some rent money too.
You don't you don't have to do that.
- Oh, bet. Say less.
- I mean, that would be good.
- Like, I would like that.
- I'm just trying to do better.
Man, hooking up with Jasmine
really cleared your head last night.
What? Bruh, fuck Jasmine.
- Wait, what happened with
- Okay, here we go.
And the winner of
Brooklyn's Best Window Box is
- Hazel Telfort.
- Yeah!
- Whoo!
- That's what I'm talking about.
Yes!
Do do we know who that is?
No, but we know it's not
the woman your mama hate.
And it's not us, so basically, we tied.
- But I'm proud of you, honey.
- Aw!
That's right.
This block wouldn't
be nothing without us.
I'm talking it ain't shit, you know?
Aw, thank you.
I am so grateful for you.
- You are very welcome.
- Aw. Aw!
We are proof that love is blind.
And catcalling works.
Before I forget, you guys
come down to the bike shop,
and bring all your friends.
It's my grand reopening sale.
Buy one.
Mm-hmm.
That's it?
You still going to therapy?
Yeah. Do you want the name of someone?
Nah, I'm just making sure.
You know what?
It's Kareem family picture time.
- Yes!
- Come on.
Yes!
- Come on.
- I'm not taking a photo.
Oh, come on, come on, come on, come on.
- Get up, get up.
- That's right.
Got to do it, got to do it.
Come on, you millenimals, come on.
You know, oh,
let's trade places so we match.
Yeah, yeah. Great.
Yeah, let's do that. Okay.
Can we take Can we take this photo?
- 'Cause I'm yeah.
- Okay.
Everybody say "cheese!"
- Cheese.
- Money!