FM (2009) s01e04 Episode Script

OK.
That was a lovely little Ditty from Queens Of The Stone Age.
A bit of trivia.
I once mistook their singer, Josh, for a friend of my sister's and I accused him of stealing my Labyrinth video.
What? Labyrinth, the Italian power metal band? No! Labyrinth the magical puppet romp! Co-starring David Bowie's cock.
.
Don't pretend you didn't notice, of all people! It's those lycra tights.
They leave nothing to the imagination.
It looms over the entire film like a veiny albatross.
Anyway, if anyone out there does have my Labyrinth video just text in and I'll pay for the postage.
Second class, no DHL or anything too pricey.
No major hurry.
I don't even own a video recorder anymore! So, yes! We are going home now! Hang on! Hang on! We should tell our lovely listeners the good news.
Our boy here has been nominated for an award tomorrow night, presented by the lovely Konnie Huq.
Best tall man talking Irish lesbian DJ award! That is the official award's title.
Thank you, Dom.
No, I am up for an award, but I probably won't win.
- Look at you being all coy! - And slightly awkward.
What do you mean "awkward"? Everything you do is awkward.
You're like a puppy with the legs of a spider.
Ridiculous! How would the legs of a spider support a puppy? They'd have to be in proportion, obviously.
Obviously! I've an email here from Chris Herbert, who says he has your Labyrinth video.
Herbert! Of course.
You cheeky, thieving bastard! He says you can't have it back because he got it signed by Warwick Davis at a petrol station.
"Stop it, Mad Martigan! She's only a baby!" I once saw Nick Faldo at a petrol station.
He was buying a pastie.
The nominations for Best Music Broadcaster are Annie Mac, John Kennedy Topher Kiefer and Lindsay Carol.
So, where were you last night? I was in the toilet.
read out the nominations I suddenly got this unbearable urge to piss.
I couldn't stop myself.
It was like I don't know.
Is there such a thing as premature urination? I think the term's incontinence.
Maybe you've got cystitis.
Surely you can't get cystitis if you don't have a vagina? Cranberry juice.
- Sorry? - For your cystitis.
I don't have cystitis by the way.
Or a vagina.
Anyway! Enough about me.
What's going on with you, Daisy? My uncle died.
You OK? It's really hard.
Let let it all out.
Is there any post? I got you! Good one! - So you're uncle's not dead? - No, he did die, but he lived in Canada.
I didn't know him.
Brilliant! Here's your post.
I saw the awards last night.
Mr Grumps a sad sack cos he didn't win? No, Mr Grumps is just fine.
I'm fine, I'm not Mr Grump.
- I didn't go to win.
- Right.
Good.
Still, I really thought you'd win.
So, I'm sorry.
No, it's not your fault.
Unless you rigged it.
Did you rig it, Daisy? What is popping, peeps? - Everything is poppin'.
- Hi, Topher.
- How are you today? - I'm AG, baby.
I'm all good! - Congratulations.
- Thanks, man! Appreciate it.
Yes! Well done, you, Mr Award Winner! No! Really.
Come on.
It's no big deal.
Don't be so modest.
I always knew you'd win.
- Tell him about your dead uncle! - What? I'm so sorry.
Look, I lost someone myself recently.
And someone said something to me, it was the only thing that made sense.
And That is so lovely, Topher.
Thank you so much.
She didn't even like him! - Mate - No I'm Here's your post, Topher.
Mr Lover Lover.
I saw the pictures of you and Konnie.
- You cheeky boy! - Oh! No! We we were leaving the club at the same time.
It was totally innocent.
Honest.
That's the good stuff! If Topher's got his filthy hands on lovely little Konnie Huq I am gonna stab myself in the eyes with a blunt fork.
Good morning to you too.
Why thank you! You're looking very well.
Should I add that to your collection? - It's not a collection.
- Do you prefer the term "shrine"? I happen to think she's a very talented presenter, OK? She's the longest-serving presenter of Blue Peter ever.
- Longer than John Noakes.
- John Noakes! - And that's what does it for you? - That's what does it for me.
She's so pretty! She's like a - a unicorn.
- And it looks like Topher's riding her! What? There's no riding.
I was the one put in all the groundwork last night.
If anyone's gonna be riding her it's gonna be me.
Groundwork? You bought her a drink from the free bar and then told her she had a mouth like Bob Dylan.
There was a spark.
- Seeing her again then? - I might be.
- When? - Soon.
Bollocks! OK, put it this way.
I'm not having lunch on my own today.
So, put that in your pipe.
- Where's Dom Cox? - I don't know.
But if he's late again I'm gonna staple his scrotum to his desk.
So, how is your ego after losing last night? I didn't go to win.
- It was a waste of time.
- Really? I didn't think so.
You got some cock then? You did? What are you Every time.
What are you doing? Collecting sex miles? Doing what you should be doing cry and wank.
- You're hardly young.
- Who was he? - He won the award for "Best New Ethnic Minority Digital Radio Show".
Where's he from? - He's Latvian.
Are they classed as a minority? - He gets 200 listeners.
- Surely that's not how you define it? Maybe he's not very good.
So, are you gonna see him again? - Why not? - Because he only gets 200 listeners.
- So why'd you shag him then? - Because he won! That's weird.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Bit of a big one last night.
so I thought I'd crash here.
How is everyone? Great party? I ended up in a karaoke box with Ian Brown! Dancing On The Ceiling.
- Are you still drunk? - No! Maybe.
Well, get dressed! - The Subways are here at 3.
- Were The Subways there last night? You spent the whole night with them.
Nice pants! They're not mine.
Right.
Wet wipes, top drawer.
Coffee, fag, then I'm ready to go.
Right, where we going? Mother of God! Fuck! In a hat! Why would you do it in a hat? Don't know.
It was the closest thing around at the time.
What you doing? Dom did something terrible in a hat and left it to incubate in a drawer.
- Why would you do it in a hat? - I don't fucking know! I was very, very, very drunk! Sometimes I do strange things.
Lindsay, I've got Oh, God! Sorry.
Neil, I'm smoking a cigarette, you're allowed to look.
- What have you got, Neil? - Prostatitis.
Or rather you have.
It can cause urinary frequency, penile discharge and dribbling.
- Is there something we should know? - No! Everything's OK.
There's no dribble.
Neil, man! Can you take this to the dry cleaners? - What's the plan for lunch? - Lindsay's already got a lunch date.
- Like a date date? - A date date.
He finally asked her.
- Bollocks! - That's what I said! - I don't believe that.
- Why? You actually asked her? You're actually going on a date with Konnie Huq? I am actually going on a date with Konnie Huq's PA.
Jemima.
She's lovely.
That is so typical of you.
You always go for bronze.
Jemima is not bronze.
She's gold! She's solid gold! She's platinum! I would go so far as to say that Jemima could be the one.
- No, it's Jemma.
- I'm sorry.
I don't know why I had it in my head that your name was Jemima.
Don't even know any Jemimas.
Screw this! Let's just go for a liquid lunch.
- I've got work, so - Yeah.
Must be fun working it Konnie, though.
- You know - Must be a riot going to all those parties and beating off the paps.
It's mostly administration.
Is it? - Going anywhere nice on holiday? The toilets? - Just over there.
- Thanks.
- What the fuck are you doing here? - She's a keeper! You were right, by the way.
She's the one.
- Can I be the best man? - She just seemed so vibrant - and exciting last night.
- Did she? You're right.
She's not gold.
She's not even bronze! She's brass! What is wrong with me? , - you have the name of a lady! - Yeah, OK! Yeah.
No, I meant in terms of why can't I go for what I really want.
.
What am I gonna do? - Fuck Jemima off for a start.
Jemma.
And ask out Konnie! I can't! I don't even have her number.
- Got it! - Got what? Your phone! I have the same phone as you.
No, you haven't.
Not this one, obviously.
I have two phones.
One for business and one for pleasure.
This is my pleasure phone, which I keep at home.
Why are you on Konnie's number? I have a friend who likes Konnie.
I know, I should have told you before, but I didn't want you to think with you so I could get Konnie's number.
I think that you are really good! Who is this friend? Oh, he's - a DJ.
- Lindsay, I'm not stupid.
Your friend, the DJ, it's Topher Kiefer, isn't it? - It is.
It is.
- I can't give out Konnie's number.
But I tell you what, why don't you give me his number and I'll try and set up a date for 'em.
That sounds awesome! world dreams on a date with his nemesis.
You are a ridiculous human being.
You should just kill yourself now - and avoid any risk of procreation.
- I think the risk is pretty low.
All right, guys? How's it going? Thanks for coming in.
- The Subways are here.
- Are they? All right? I was just just - How you going? - How are you feeling today? All right.
- How are you doing, Billy? - He's sulking.
- He lost his lucky hat.
- Lucky hat? - When did you lose it, Billy? - Last night.
Never mind.
Anyway I'm just gonna go get teas, coffees Hat.
Good as new.
Surprise! Who would have thought that a tambourine would do so much damage? I think he must caught me with one of the bells.
Shit! It's the Latvian.
You talk to him.
Tell him I've left the country.
That you've left the You just answered the phone.
No, I'm sorry.
This isn't Jane's phone anymore.
She was Yeah, she was fired for being shit.
No, this is Lindsay Carol.
What? Well, I didn't go to win.
Thanks.
That was great.
That's great.
Answer your own fucking phone, thanks.
He said he was gonna cut my hands off as a punishment for stealing.
It's soft Having another conference call with a dying whale I see.
Seriously.
What you think? New kid, Embryo.
- He records it all underwater.
? It's K2, man.
Glad I caught you.
I've got another hot date tonight.
And I believe I've got you to thank for it.
Why don't you bring a gal? We'll double up, mate.
Are you still suffering from the old - How did you? You - Have you tried cranberry juice? - That's what I suggested! - Or you could get a bag.
Can we stop talking about my wee sack? For five minutes! speak about your pornographic jigsaws.
I was trying to help! Topher make you want to piss? Because he reminds me of a toilet.
I don't know what you're laughing at.
Hat thief.
- What am I gonna do? - It's fine.
We've got a couple of hours.
Bring them down the pub, - buy them a drink.
Bond with them.
- I'm not meeting them on my own.
What if he attacks me again? He's quite strong for a skinny bloke.
It's OK, Neil will look after you.
Won't you, Neil? What? Where the fuck is Dom? OK, so we have finally been joined by our guests for today, The Subways.
And our missing co-host, Mrs Dominic Cox.
- And for some reason, Neil.
- Sorry we were late.
We were bonding.
Being late's not rock and roll, it's just rude.
- Supergrass were never late.
- Never.
They managed to combine hedonism with punctuality.
- That's what makes them a great band.
- It wasn't a complete waste of time.
We've actually managed to solve the riddle of your piddle! Tell him.
That'd be great.
Can we share that with the listening public? By the way, can I mention that Neil has a collection of pornographic jigsaws? And in some countries is labelled as a sex pest.
We have deduced that Lindsay has a pathological fear of failure, so that when he anticipates he's gonna fail at something - Like last night's awards.
- Or asking out a certain Miss Huq.
- It makes him want to piss! - And we've pinpointed the exact traumatic childhood event that caused this? I don't have a psychological problem! I have an old lady's bladder.
- It's as simple as that.
- We have a caller on line one! Mum? - Hi, Ruth.
- Hello, Dominic.
- How are you, Mum? - I'm fine! - Tell him about Jean's ankles.
- Jean's ankles playing up again? This is great! Always a pleasure to hear your voice, Mum, as you know.
Especially when I'm live on air.
Tell us why you're calling.
Tell him what you told me earlier and about Terry The Tiger.
- Allright, yes.
- What? When Lindsay was six we were on holiday in Tenerife.
And they had this talent show for the kids run by Terry The Tiger.
Now, Lindsay had always liked dressing up and showing off, so we entered him into it.
We dressed him up as Marc Almond and got him up on stage in front of all the parents to sing Tainted Love.
But poor little Lindsay forgot all the words and the audience turned on him and then I pissed myself.
I had the same experience at Glastonbury.
We've got the root of the problem, we need to fix it.
"Fix it"? Finish the song.
- And not piss yourself.
- What? - You sounded really horrid.
- That wasn't embarrassing at all.
- What? - It's the Latvian.
OK.
Better let him down gently.
I'll see you guys in the pub.
Well, fuck me in the face! It's Konnie! She must be here for her date.
She's beautiful.
She's like She's like a mermaid! But with legs.
Here.
You must be cured.
She's so incredible.
It's like it actually hurts to look at her.
It's like staring directly at the sun.
All right, boys! Neil's having a house party.
We're heading over, if you fancy it.
It's so cute that you guys have made up.
There's no harm done.
Got my lucky hat back.
I know but after what he did with it.
What you mean? What did he do with my hat? He's a prick.
Come on! Let's go to the party.
Well, this is very flattering, but last night was last night.
You know? It's award season, you won.
I like winners, but I think it's probably best if we leave it there.
- Sorry, I'm a little confused.
- I'm just saying thanks to see me.
- I'm here for a meeting.
After the awards they called me to offer me a job here.
And then I call you to let you know, so it wouldn't be so awkward.
Right.
So, you you don't want me? We all have silly eyes when drunk.
Like you say, award season.
Tit.
It is time to go.
Signing out for the night, Daisy.
Thank you.
Lins, you don't have to Konnie, isn't it? Lindsay Carol.
I was nominated for the award you presented last night.
Are you the one that said I had a mouth like Bob Dylan? Are you here for your date? I'm meeting my PA.
She's got my phone.
- Jemima.
- Jemma.
- Do you know her? - In passing.
Why are you meeting her here? She's got a date with Topher Kiefer.
- Say again.
! - Cheeky bitch! - Excuse me? Hey, guys.
Lindsay, I believe you know Jemma.
- Hey, Konnie.
- How are you? Lindsay, I'm sorry.
I was gonna tell you.
I didn't want you to think I was only going out with you to get his number.
Well, were you? We should probably go.
Peace.
So, have you got any plans for tonight, Mr Grumps? So this is great! Huh? So, a little birdy tells me you have a degree in economics.
Going anywhere nice on holiday? And he just went boom-boom-boom!