Foursome (2016) s01e04 Episode Script

1 Previously on "Foursome," Plot twist! Josh saw me in my skivvies.
Not in the way I'd always imagined my crush and I would be practically naked together, but a vast improvement from "kiddo.
" Even Dakota picked up vibes.
I'd be totally cloud nine if I didn't hear that Greer is into him.
She's basically a walking thong with a ton of sexual experience.
If that's what Josh likes, I'm hopeless.
Courtney? What are you doing? Your brother, dummy.
Don't you have a single at SUC where you can destroy my brother out of earshot? Correction, I used to have a single.
So what happened? Did you get kicked out for ruining another mattress or something? No, Alec and I never use a mattress when we have sex.
Weird.
Housing found out that me not being immunized was not legit.
So they assigned me a roommate.
- May.
- So? She's weird.
Like super, big-time weird.
She drinks my perfume just to feel me inside of her.
Courtney, just be honest with me.
Are you gonna be here every single morning 'cause I need I will give you a ride to school in my convertible And I'll buy you a smoothie.
- What do you say? - All right.
Yeah.
Courtney.
Courtney, I'm not with this.
Hey, babe, I'm drinking pineapple.
- You know what that means.
- You so romantic.
Oh, hey, I can I can help you with that.
- Oh, I got it.
- Oops, I-I'm sorry.
- I didn't mean - Oh, no, it's Hey, chubs, it's a good thing Josh's bone crawls inside himself when he's around you.
Otherwise I'd have to kick his ass.
- Am I right, Bro-zone layer? - Ha.
Don't talk about my bone, dog.
Oh, come on, pooner.
I want a bagel.
No, you're cutting too fast.
Go back.
- No, Dakota, that's too much.
- Hey, guys.
What's with all the yellow? Imogen, you look like the sun queefed.
Guys, it's Miscarriage Awareness Day.
I ran in to this senior and he told me I was being insensitive because I wasn't showing my support and, so, I went home and I-I changed and it's It's not really Miscarriage Awareness Day, is it? No, honey, I'm pretty sure that doesn't exist.
Well, it should be.
You look like Rapunzel's bush.
Do you want to borrow some clothes? No! No, Courtney, that's okay.
Um, if the bullies see me break, that'll just open up the floodgates and I'm afraid of drowning.
- Naturally.
- Okay.
Do you want to play Cat's Cradle with me? - No, but I will.
- No.
No, too much.
Too much.
Can I help you? I think I felt Josh's Mr.
Happy.
Okay, I'm listening.
He was helping me put a book away today and he was leaning up against me and I'm not sure if I felt his phone or his bone.
Well, what type of phone do you use? Guys, look.
- Nice.
- Cool.
Okay, there's only one way to know for sure.
- How? - The next time he's leaning up against you to put his book away, call his phone simultaneously.
Wow, great tip.
Thanks.
No problem.
Guys, look.
- Whoa.
- Whoa.
Oh, my gosh, Imogen.
You look like yield.
Miss Ebison, sorry I'm late.
Andie Fixler, I was hoping you were sick today.
And, Ms.
Fixler, since you couldn't be bothered to make it to class on time, you must be already up-to-date on all your STD knowledge and will have no trouble naming ten right now.
Um Okay.
Crabs, gonorrhea, the clap, herpes, AIDS, syphilis, razor bumps? Menstrual cramps No, that's not one, right? - Did I say herpes? - You did.
You seem pretty familiar.
Thank you for bringing such a passion for genital herpes to my class.
Please.
Today we begin the safe sex measures to prevent pregnancy.
It's Condom Day.
Each one of you have a banana at your station and you will practice securing a condom on to it without it breaking.
Get started! You know, you sure know how to make an entrance.
You have a thing for public humiliation, or Yeah, I must just be a glutton for punishment.
Oh, ouch! Careful, Josh, your Donkey Kong over here is gonna try to smash your banana.
Ew, that's gross.
Let me show you how to do it.
Oh, my Andie, practice on this.
More your speed.
Oh, my God! What are you May! Your torso looked dry.
Is that a terrible wig? - Are those colored contacts? - No.
Do you like them? Are those copies of every quote I ever hung on my wall? Is that just one picture of me repeated in a heart-shape? Did you get that scarf at the Gap Outlet sale right after I got it? Is that my boyfriend? No.
May, obviously our conversation about boundaries has not sunk in.
So, you know what? I'm just gonna go, but first I'm gonna grab a change of clothes.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- How? - Layers.
Look at that, Dakota.
I've had it an epiphany.
One day you gonna break that door.
I am totally unprepared sexually.
I mean, obviously.
Today in Health I could barely put a condom on a banana or a carrot or my finger.
I mean, even if Josh miraculously decided I wasn't a Prudy Judy I wouldn't be ready for him - or anyone.
- Go fish.
How am I supposed to get out of the sister-zone when I'm in the never boned dome? It all makes perfect sense.
Uno.
You're not even playing a real game, Dakota.
Oh, yeah, Andie, I'm sorry.
You were ranting I mean, saying? I was saying that if I want to get any action this semester, then I'm gonna have to Does this door lock? God damn it.
What's wrong with Tramp Stamp? - Is it May? - No, it's September.
- No, May's her roommate.
- More like my stalker.
You guys, this chick is "Single White Femaleing" me.
Okay? This chick is crazy.
This chick is other level strange.
Look at what she did.
Look at this.
- Oh.
- Eww.
Oh, my God.
Why do I like this? No! I can't take it anymore! This girl is everywhere.
Okay? She's in my shower.
She's in my closet.
She's in my bed.
I can't.
Nope.
You know what? I won't go back.
I will never go back to SUC.
SUC! That's it! I can rectify my sexual inexperience and just text some of those bachelor guys.
They'll help me, right? No.
No.
No.
Not good.
I just said I will never go back, not I would immediately go back.
What? You don't think anyone would want to hook up with me? - Am I that repulsive? - Andie, stop fishing.
You can't just run off to college and become the Babe Ruth of boners.
Remember, a change of environment does not mean a change in character.
I was forced in to public school and I am still the same Paranoid freak jar.
We know.
Home school is useless, but she's got a point.
You need to know your directions before driving straight to Dickville.
Ew.
Court, what do you think? I think I smell like old sex.
Oh, did you mean about your problem? Mm-hmm.
Sorry, blood sis, I just I can't go back.
Please, you guys? I can't go my whole high school experience feeling like this.
I mean, I know it might be messy, but practice makes perfect.
I just need your help.
Courtney, sidebar.
Andie, we will teach you.
- Teach me what? - How to run the bases.
Thanks, guys, but that's not exactly what I was talking about.
Andie, do you honestly think we're just gonna let you run off blind? I mean, you can't hold a conversation with a guy, you wear boys underwear on the rag, and you have banana smushed all over you.
Ew.
So you're saying? Andie, we will encourage you, help you, guide you.
We'll be like your own Mr.
Miyagi except instead of "Wax on, wax off.
" We will teach you when lube is necessary.
So, are you ready Andie-son? Batter up, bitches! You must bathe in the river before going in to the ocean.
- Is this really necessary? - Shh! Andie Fixler, we are gonna teach you all the basics.
We are your Sensei's Of Sex.
Teachers of Tang.
And Master Batter.
Imogen, wow, you made a little sexual pun.
I did? Master Batter like baseball because of bases huh? Imogen, do you want to get back in that penalty box? - No.
- Didn't think so.
Okay, Andie, let's start with the basics.
First base may seem like the easiest of all the bases, but, in fact, it is the most crucial.
Without a solid kiss, you have no foundation for a successful hookup.
You're stuck in the dug out.
Let's talk strategy.
After you've mastered these basic first base techniques, feel free to throw a curve ball and spice it up.
You can use exploding candy, ice cubes, gum trading, or meat loaf Wait Who put meat lo Imogen.
I thought we were just writing down foods we liked.
Honestly, guys, this is unnecessary.
- I know how to kiss.
- Imogen? Exhibit A.
How do you have that? Andie, you do realize you had a full on make out session in the middle of the hallway? I mean everyone and their mother Snapchatted you.
I was lucky enough to screen shot it.
All righty.
Here.
You're throwing way too many wild pitches around the arena.
Your jaw is all over the place, your mouth is way too tense, your hand placement is insane, and, Andie, your eyes are open! I didn't hear him complaining.
He ran away! Strike one.
Oh, my God, you're right.
And everyone saw.
What do I need to know? Hand practice.
You will use the opening of your fist to execute different styles of snogging.
Begin.
Oh, very nice, Dakota.
What are you, a lizard? Softer.
Like a little baby.
Like Okay, but make sure that you don't swallow too much of his saliva because I read that it contains testosterone making you scientifically attached.
I know.
I know.
I know.
I'm going to the penalty box, Dakota.
Okay, go.
Moving on.
Second base.
Boob stuff.
- Ew.
- Wait a minute.
I thought second base was just getting felt up.
You don't have to be good at anything for that, right? You just have to have boobs, right? Strike two! You can't just lay there like a starfish, Andie.
You have to get involved.
Andie, at least there's no boob diseases.
- Aw.
- Shh.
It's not helping.
Shh.
That silver lining aside, I'm starting to feel a little out of my element.
There's is no anxiety in baseball.
Techniques include motorboating.
All right, everybody, lips loose, no teeth, and away we go! Oh! Is all this consensual? It's for a segment? Oh.
All right.
Uh, just don't film any of this.
Okay, now for the third and final base.
- Anything below the belt.
- Mm-hmm.
The most important thing to know about third base is foreplay.
Like no one wants to vacation in the Sahara Desert.
Ew.
Helpful hints to keep your tuna at sea include playing with your breath - And your breasts.
- What if I pass out? Also, you can try humping a pillow until - dry humping becomes wet humping.
- Why would it get wet? - Flip your nips - Why would I do that? While he does it to your front, you can do it to your back.
- What? - Strike three! I haven't even stepped up to the base - and I've already struck out? - Andie I would not take a risk on a losing team.
You can do this.
Courtney, stop! - I can't.
- Okay.
The techniques for third base are endless, but we'll try to master a few.
All right, Courtney, here you go, girl.
That's my girl.
Andie, you're up.
Oh, no.
You know what, guys? I can't do this! This is just making me more nervous.
I mean, Sammy Samosa or whatever his name is, had to step to plate for the first time at one point in his life, right? He didn't just always knock it out of the park.
I just need to get through my first game.
Courtney, let's go right now.
Like, right now before I change my mind.
Okay, but I just don't want to see May! What's your problem? - We missed a chapter.
- What are you talking about? Well, we never talked about end game.
I mean, how would you know if you've like, you know Climaxed.
Wait a minute.
You know what feels good when you bam your clam, right, Master Batter? Okay, lesson number one.
Courtney, you have 20 minutes to stop freaking out about your roommate and then we're leaving! I know you can hear me! Wow.
What's, uh - What's the occasion? - Hey! Bathroom.
Bathroom stuff.
- Hm.
- What's up? Oh, do you need to use the bathroom 'cause I can totally get out.
No.
No, not at all.
You look different.
Oh, you know, it's for that play.
Uh "Street Cart Dame's" "Hamlet's Garden"? - Yeah.
Yeah, I love that one.
- Yeah.
"Hamlet's Garden.
" - It's great.
- Uh-huh.
Well, you look very mature.
Josh, is that you? I'm just finishing Ohh! Ohh, yeah! Mm.
Yeah! Yeah, I'll be right there! Hey, you better have pants on this time! - Come in here, man! - Uh, I got to go to rehearsal.
- Bye.
- Okay.
Weird.
Wha I thought I texted you "not to come" Right, yeah.
I totally saw that.
It's just I was wondering if you could help me with this.
Okay, last time we hung out, I got sat on by a football team.
I know, I know, and that's why I'm here.
To make it up to you.
What are you doing? Uh, giving you a speeding ticket A speed boat.
No.
No, that's that's something I would do to you.
Only I would never that because I'm not a cartoon.
Oh, yeah, right.
Duh.
Yeah, okay.
I knew that.
Just one second.
Um God frick.
Ugh.
- Third base.
- No, no more bases.
Where did that come from? Don't Please whatever Okay.
- Canadian Fireball? - No.
- Uh-huh.
- Oh.
Okay, just Okay, can you Ow! Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry! - Are you okay? - Go.
Please go.
- Oh, okay.
- Okay, I have finals or whatever, can you just Could you get out, please? That is just so not worth it.
I was a total spaz.
You should've seen it.
Like, I'm pretty sure I broke his nose.
You thought she was me, didn't you? Yup.
Just another one of my many fails.
Did you not get through the bases? It was a complete disaster.
Like I was fouling, strike-outs, and I didn't steal a single base, and my dug out is still empty, and I'm running out of baseball terms.
- I hate sports.
- BanAndie, that's like everyone's first hookup.
Even mine.
- Really? - Yeah.
You're totally in the game now.
Everyone has these amazing first time stories, and now so do you.
I'm just really proud of you for going for it.
That's crazy impressive.
I mean, I did feel pretty confident about first base.
He made like throat noises.
Like a bird.
That is so good and I promise it'll get easier every time.
You know, it's like jeans.
You have to wear them four times before they don't give you a muffin top.
- I would eat your muffin top.
- I know, honey.
Andie, Alec's gonna be here in like 20 minutes, so you got to get out of here or else he's gonna give us a pounding and not the kind that I like.
I can give you a ride.
She's harmless.
I thought you've been avoiding her all day.
You said she was gonna skin suit you.
I know, but I kind of missed her.
When I was pooping at your house and there was no one hiding in the corner with TP, it made me feel sad.
You never know what you have until it's gone.
- Right? - I'll never gone.
Okay, cool, but, like, could you go now and help Andie back to her room? - Piggy back ride? - No, thanks.
- Oh, she gives mad back.
- Whatever.
I guess I'll take whatever I can get tonight.
- Go.
- Yay! Josh, jeez! I'm sorry.
I-I didn't mean to scare you.
- You okay? - What are you doing here? I-I-I forgot my remote! - Had to come pick it up.
- Oh.
At midnight? Yeah, can't live without my late-night video games.
Is it really midnight? What are you doing coming home so late? You're not gonna tell on me, right? Please.
Please don't tell Alec.
No, I would never tell Alec.
- Thank you.
- Just looking out for you.
Thanks.
Look, it seems like something's going on with you.
I'm not your brother, if you ever want to talk I'm I mean, I'm always here.
Honestly, Josh, nothing's going on.
I just I don't know I got caught up in one of Courtney's plans and I genuinely, there's nothing going on.
Okay.
You seem different.
It kind of seems like you're trying out this whole new person.
I just can't imagine why you would ever want to do that.
I really I really like the person you used to be.
Thanks, Josh.
- Oh, well, you know, I - I should get going.
Thanks for don't forget your rem I almost forgot I You should ask - Alec, yeah.
- Yeah.
It's Ale Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow.
Hm.
I kind of get it now.
Ooh, baby.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
- Your lips on my - What's that? May? - Can we? - Okay.
Oh, yeah! Nice! In my room Still in bed Shaking off dreams about long lost friends So much time Spent so carelessly When will I break This ball and chain? Everything you say, everything you do It can be a drag how it all comes back to you Say, "Oh, sweet melody" Undo what you have done to me Go slow, go slow Just don't go