Frank of Ireland (2021) s01e04 Episode Script

1
♪♪
(crowd clamoring)
Would you stop?
Frank! What are you
- What's this?
- You know what it is.
Padraig asked the two of us
to write the music months ago,
but you said am-dram
was beneath you
and you wouldn't be caught dead
working on this shit
You did it without me?
Yeah. I've written
the whole score.
We've been rehearsing
for a month, and I love it.
I'm really blossoming
on my own.
You're not gonna blossom
without me.
- I want in.
- I appreciate the offer, Frank,
but I have to be firm here.
You have a tendency
to take over.
Doofus, I'm in.
(crowd cheering, applauding)
(cheering, applause continue)
MAN: Maestro! Maestro!
Well done, Doofus and Maelbhina!
What a wonderful way to finish
a final rehearsal!
Fantastique!
Okay, everyone, gather round!
Gather round!
Frank! Frank!
My song went great.
Hey, is Nicola here?
Did she see it?
PADRAIG: Ladies! Here we are,
two hours to opening,
and I have to say,
after all my years
running the Am-Dram Society,
I have never been
more inspired.
And tonight,
for one night only,
it all pays off.
I think you all deserve
a round of applause. Everyone!
And I think it's important
to mention
that this is
an all-female production.
I was vehemently opposed
to the idea at first,
but after seeing how hard
you all worked,
and how you've maintained
such emotional composure,
I have to say
I really came around.
So I think I deserve
a round of applause too!
I'd like to thank Nicola
for her enthusiastic work
as stunt coordinator.
Is she here?
I'm here, yeah.
Sorry I'm late.
I'd like to give
a special thank you
to our two musical maestros
who've given us
such wonderful musique,
especially that closing number,
Doofus.
Mwah!
Oh! I believe our star
wants a word.
Thank you, Padraig.
You know, when I played
the Gaeity in the nineties,
the notion of women having
a real voice in theater
- seemed like a distant dre
- Sorry, Maelbhina,
- I think Frank, eh
- Thanks, Padraig.
Just regarding the music,
I just wanted to say
Doofus wrote one song, and you
all seem very high on it
but what about
the other 11, yeah?
Oh, Frank,
all the songs are good.
Well, I don't know.
Some of Frank's songs are
What, Bernie?
Well, the show is based
on "Twelve Angry Men."
I don't see how a song called
"Fruits of the Forest"
fits in, for example.
- It's a metaphor.
- For what?
The carnal imagery
in "Fruits of the Forest"
represents the animal intensity
of the main characters.
Jack Nicholson foaming
at the mouth.
Tom Cruise not taking no
for an answer.
Hang on.
Is that "A Few Good Men"?
Eleven songs is a lot to get
through, that's all I'm saying.
Bernie, if we want to be throwing accusations
around the place,
I saw you earlier
at the snack stand.
Now, if you want a piece
of fruit, go right ahead,
but you don't have to maul
every fucking apple in the bowl.
I was only looking
for a soft one.
Well, I don't know where your
hands have been, all right?
It's not nice to be criticized,
is it, Bernie?
So back the fuck off. Sorry.
Okay, quickly on to stunts,
and then we'll break.
Nicola, over to you,
and please be careful.
FRANK: Listen, P,
about Doofus's song
Oh! Directing women
- is like herding cats, Frank.
- Padraig!
- And action!
- He said 20 seconds.
He said 15.
- I'm telling you, he said 20 seconds!
- That's enough!
- Ow!
- Oh!
These stunts make no sense.
They're the best thing
in the play.
You're only saying that
'cause you want Nicola to kiss your willy.
(screams)
Oh, fuck!
Oh, my hip! I'm down!
Oh, for the love of God!
That's the fourth juror
we've lost since Tuesday!
- She was supposed to go limp!
- We open in less than an hour,
we can't keep losing people.
Shit. I'm gonna have to cut
some of the action scenes.
DOOFUS: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What are you saying, Padraig?
That women can't do action?
That's not what
I'm saying at all!
But obviously Bernie here
can't do a simple flip.
Don't fight my battles,
Doofus.
No, I just I just like
your work, that's all.
Did you hear my song earlier?
No. I'm looking forward to it,
though, I hear it's good.
Nicola, Nicola,
Nicola, please.
I love all the action stuff.
But the name of the show
is "Twelve Angry Women,"
and we're down to eight.
Now, hopefully I can bunch
them all together onstage
and they won't notice
the lack of numbers,
but there's nine
speaking parts.
We're running out
of options here.
Dad? I could switch
to Bernie's part.
That way I'd have a song.
And I've basically been cut
from everything else, so
Right.
Elaine,
I love what you're doing,
but I'm gonna have to get you
to do Bernie's part, okay?
We'll cut the stenographer.
Right, let's take it up
with the flip.
Nicola, wait!
Doofus, do you mind?
Just once,
to make sure it's safe.
Of course it's safe.
- You loose?
- Loose as a goose.
Yeah, I'm gonna grab
your arm, okay?
- Okay.
- Are you with me?
I'm with you forever, Nicola.
You just need to go limp.
It doesn't hurt if you go limp
Limp as a wimp.
- Okay?
- Yeah.
(grunts, screams)
(crowd gasps)
(gasping)
- Are you all right?
- Yeah.
- Did you go limp?
- Yeah!
Are you sure?
'Cause Elaine's up next.
If you're hurt,
you need to say so now.
- I'm fine.
- Right. Get Elaine in.
- Elaine!
- (Doofus groaning)
FRANK: Hey, Padraig.
It's the closing number.
Let's just cut it, yeah?
- I don't think Doofus will mind.
- Go limp.
No way, Frank. Doofus's song
is the best thing in the play.
What are you talking about?
- (Elaine screams)
- (body thuds)
Oh, God damn it.
She's down too, isn't she?
- ELAINE: Frankie!
- Aine!
We need you.
Call Peter-Brian.
Tell him we need to patch up
some more of the jurors.
Everyone else, take ten.
Hey, Maelbhina.
How you doing?
Well, I was in the Gaiety
once, and now I'm here.
- What does that tell you?
- Your star has fallen?
Listen, I was just saying
to Padraig,
and I think he agrees,
let's cut that
last number, right?
- It's not exactly in keeping
- Frank!
Doofus' song is the only
good thing in this whole,
horrible mess.
Forget the bullshit.
Forget the other shitty songs.
That piece is the reason
I came back to musical theater.
But I wrote
way more songs than him,
- and he's gonna get all the credit!
- He should.
Half your songs are
about the wrong movie,
and the rest are clearly your
old songs that you repurposed.
Four of them are about
counties in Ireland!
"Livin' La Vida Carlow"
was written specifically
for the piece.
It's a metaphor
for Tom Cruise's clash
with corruption
in the military.
I'm gonna sing
Doofus' song,
and it's gonna be the only
thing people remember.
Get used to it.
Is she gonna be okay?
She's 79 and her ribs
are fucked.
Nicola!
No more stunt rehearsals.
- Just wait'll you're onstage.
- What about the chair shots?
It's not safe not
to rehearse the chair shots.
Fine. Rehearse the chair shots,
but please be careful.
- Of course.
- How's it going?
Oh, it's a disaster.
Bernie's out.
Elaine here is in bits.
And I've no one to cover
their parts.
Wait. Unless
Call Mary. Tell her if she
learns the lines, she's in.
But she has to be here
in an hour!
Let's get her out of sight.
Hey, Doofus.
I was just talking
to Melvs and Padraig.
I think the general
consensus is
do one of my songs to close
the show. Whaddaya think?
But it's the only one
of my songs left.
- You replaced all the others.
- Did I?
Yeah. Anyway, I
- I want Nicola to hear it.
- Nicola?
I know she's out
of my league, Frank,
but.. everybody else likes
my song.
If she hears it,
and she thinks it's good
you never know.
Your song it is.
- Yeah!
- I hope she likes it.
Thanks, Frank!
Hey, Nicola.
They're still gonna do
my song at the end.
NICOLA: Oh, that's great!
(crowd clamoring)
There's queues
of people outside!
It's a sellout!
Have you the lines?
Oh, forget the lines.
Gotta give the people
what they want.
Please, Mary, no vag
this time. Last year
The show was "Mary Poppins,"
Padraig.
There was bound to be
some improv.
Okay, everyone? Ready to
rehearse the chair shots?
I'm gonna smack you with
these fake chairs, okay?
- WOMAN: Will it hurt?
- NICOLA: Only if you're a pussy.
- How are you, Bernie?
- I can't walk.
Look, as you can see,
we're under quite a bit
of pressure.
I wonder if you could
do me a teeny-weeny favor.
Stop rubbing your grubby mits
over every piece of fruit!
I have it up to here, Bernie!
Up to here!
I'm sorry.
- NICOLA: Ready?
- Sure.
Just remember, take it
on the back, you'll be fine.
AINE: You a Yankees fan?
- No, Baltimore!
- Baltimore?
That's like being hit
in the head
with a crowbar once a day!
- (all laughing)
- ♪(piano)
Hey!
- Ow!
- Been there, Donegal ♪
Lots of lovely place ♪
(grunts)
(body thuds)
- (gasps)
- (screams)
- Somebody switched the chair.
- What are we gonna do?
- Somebody switched the chair.
- We have to let them in.
- Who switched the chair?
- It doesn't matter, Nicola.
- It doesn't matter.
- Who's gonna play her part?
Aine, drag her backstage,
will you?
Stick her in with Elaine.
We need to start the show.
What are we going to do?
Do you want me to take
Maelbhina's part?
You're already taking
Bernie's part!
Dad, I know Maelbhina's lines,
and Doofus' songs.
- I know the whole parts.
- Please don't let her do it.
Oh, Aine, there's a lot riding on that song.
No offense, darling.
- What are you still doing back here?
- I was looking after Maelbhina.
- Any chance she'll
- No.
We need to figure out
who switched that chair.
Aine's the one who's been
stepping over Maelbhina's body
to steal the closing number.
- Maybe it was her?
- AINE: Fuck you, Mary.
Where were you just before
the accident?
Nicola, you've been
injuring people all week.
Why don't you take
some responsibility?
Maybe we should do
one of my songs instead.
- No, Frank!
- Look, I don't care who did it.
We need to start the show,
we need to get someone
to play Maelbhina's part,
and that's that.
There's only one option.
Aine
Give me your wig.
I'll play the part.
We'll sort something out for
the song by the end of the show.
Women of the jury,
you've listened to a long
and complex case.
You have
a grave responsibility.
- What's wrong with you?
- I just
I wanted Nicola to like me.
Without Maelbhina
to sing me songs
You'll get another girlfriend.
I don't want another
girlfriend!
I only wrote the song
so Nicola'd like me.
Now who's gonna sing it?
Fuckin' Aine?
Because guilt
is a terrible thing,
and it weighs
heavy on the sinful.
So it falls to you
twelve angr
eight angry women to sort
the facts from the fancy.
♪♪
The facts from the fancy ♪
We can't take a chancy ♪
The jury's getting antsy ♪
♪♪
(sighs)
Wake up, Maelbhina.
Hey, Maelbhina,
could you wake up, please?
"Twenty," he said!
That's enough.
Ow!
- Right, Mary. Flip.
- Fuck that.
Elaine, you're up.
Oh, sorry, Elaine.
Go limp.
No!
- (crowd gasps)
- (body thuds)
God damn it, Maelbhina,
wake up!
I've made a terrible mistake!
(sobs)
What's going on here?
Have you been crying?
Everyone's being a cunt.
How are you enjoying
the court case?
Oh, it's good.
But I do long to return
to my home town of Fermanagh.
Right.
Fermanagh from heaven ♪
Fermanagh from heaven ♪
A woman cannot live upon
bread that's unleavened ♪
Look, it's terrible,
but we have no choice.
Maybe we have to lose
Doofus's song.
- Frank.
- Huh?
Have you something else
we can use instead?
I know someone
who can sing Doofus's song.
They just need to believe
in themselves.
I think Doofus should sing it.
Fermanagh, Fermanagh,
Fermanagh, Fermanagh ♪
Fermanagh, Fermanagh ♪
You can't give a man
the last song
in an all-female production.
Everyone deserves a chance.
I think Doofus'd smash it.
You switched the chairs,
didn't you?
You were jealous.
Now you feel guilty,
so you wanna give Doofus
his moment.
How dare you?
- Don't be pointing fingers.
- Yeah.
I did not switch anything.
I think Doofus
could do a good job.
I could do it.
You lack Maelbhina's
sultry charm,
her easy way with her body.
Face it, Doofus is
more suited to the part.
Oh, forget Doofus!
- Put me in, Coach.
- I'm telling you.
Quiet!
(singing in distance)
Fuck! It's the group scene!
Quick! Places, everyone!
Everyone, quick!
Some of the script changes
Padraig made are atrocious.
Mrs. Forewoman,
I'd like to change my vote.
- Not guilty
- What?
Anybody else wanna change
their vote?
PADRAIG: That's women for you.
(rimshot)
Whew! It's the first act over.
Couple of hitches,
but we're still in the game.
Maelbhina hasn't magically
come back to life, has she?
- No.
- We need to talk about the issue at hand.
Yeah. Who's singing
the closing number?
No, not that.
Someone here hurt Maelbhina.
We don't know who. All you guys
seem to be worried about
is who is gonna sing
that stupid song.
You're right.
I'm singing it.
It's literally the best part
of the play, darling.
We don't wanna fuck it up.
And I don't mean
anything bad by that.
What time is it?
We better push on with
the second act. Where's Mary?
Okay! Let's do this.
What are you wearing?
- It's military.
- It's Juror 6's big number.
It's a serious moment
"We Follow Orders
or People Die,"
and God damn it, Frank,
I just realized
that's from "A Few Good Men."
"A Few Good Women."
♪♪
Santiago ♪
Private first class ♪
Santiago ♪
He hasn't been seen
in a while ♪
- The audience is turning.
- Shouldn't you be out there playing?
I don't play live.
Doofus has my parts
on his laptop.
Dad, can you just decide
who's doing the last number?
I've been doing extensive
vocal training
with Peter-Brian
for the past month.
- I really think I could
- Nobody is going back on that stage
till I find out who switched
that fucking chair.
And I'm looking at you, Frank.
Nicola,
you snotty little bastard.
- Frank
- I'm not the one on trial here.
Seen in a while ♪
♪♪
- (scattered applause)
- Thank you.
And with that, I shall
bring in the rest of the jury.
Two minutes.
Just vamp it.
Oh.
So
would you like to see
the song again?
Did you switch those chairs?
Did I order the code red
on Maelbhina?
- No! I did not!
- Did you switch the chairs?
What do you want Nicola?
Do you want me to sleep
with you again?
- Is that what you want?
- Frank, I want the truth!
You can't handle the fruit!
Bernie! How many times?
I think I need
to go to hospital.
Well, fucking go!
- Well?
- You people.
You have no idea how
to protect a production.
Maelbhina's accident,
while tragic,
- probably saved lives.
- Did you switch the chair?
- I did the job I was hired to do.
- Did you switch the chair?
You're goddamn right I did!
(gasps) Wha
Frank, you piece of shit!
You took out Maelbhina.
No, wait, Doofus!
I'm sorry!
Doofus!
(both screaming)
- You ruined my songs!
- I had no choice!
You wrecked my chances
with Nicola!
Now she'll never
kiss my willy!
- I was just
- Fuck you, Frank.
The best buddies gang is over.
The what?
(sobs)
I hope you're happy.
(grunts)
Maelbhina!
(panting)
(soft horn honk)
(horn blasts)
- Maelbhina
- What's happening?
You're a professional, right?
You played the Gaeity, right?
Yeah.
Let's get you ready
for the performance
of your life.
Look, we've no choice.
I'm sorry to say the closing
number will be sung by Aine.
Oh, fucking Jesus.
- Oh, God, it's fucked.
- (sobbing)
Thank you, Dad.
I won't let you down.
FRANK: Not so fast.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I present to you
the incomparable Maelbhina.
Thank Christ.
Aine, you're out.
- What?
- Oh, thank you, Frank.
No need to thank me,
little britches.
- Nicola, you gonna watch?
- Sure, Doofus.
Let's see what all
the fuss is about.
We got a crowd to blow away,
Doofus,
Now, get out there
and break a leg.
Yeah! Oh, fuck!
- Oh!
- Is she good to go?
She's a professional,
Peter-Brian.
You're the best.
Eh Padraig Frank?
Ladies and gentlemen,
before the closing number
you've heard a lot of
great music this evening,
but I'm not responsible
for everything
you're gonna hear tonight.
Because this next song was
written by my best friend,
Doofus MacGiollagán.
and he deserves
full credit for it.
Now, stand up Doofus!
Take a bow!
(scattered applause)
Take it away, Doofs!
Oh, careful, Maelbhina.
Mind that lace.
Huh? Oh? Oh!
(all gasping)
Oh, shit!
Ugh. It'll have
to be Aine. Balls.
Thanks, darling.
Let's get this over with.
Okay.
Aine, Aine
I believe in you.
DOOFUS: Oh, for fuck's sake.
(exhales)
(loud whisper)
You You start!
It starts with singing!
What's my first note?
♪♪
- (warbling) A woman's life ♪
- (fiddle note)
- No.
- It's too high.
- All right.
- (fiddle note)
(atonally) A woman's life ♪
Hangs in the ♪
(warbling)
Balance ♪
Stop it.
Stop it.
Go back to the start.
Look, Doofus,
please go back to the start.
- You're fucking it up!
- Please, Doofus.
(clapping)
- (popping)
- Whoa!
Well, there you go.
That was
Doofus's song.
That's the ending of the show.
That's the end.
He was not guilty.
She was not guilty.
Women are as good as men.
Thank you very much,
everyone, good night!
- MAN: Get off the stage!
- (crowd booing)
- Fuck it.
- What's she doing?
(Frank grunting)
(Frank groaning)
♪♪
(applause)
♪("Dynamite Exploded"
by Honey and the Bees")
Just like fire ♪
Fire, fire ♪
My poor heart is breaking ♪
Desire, desire ♪
My poor heart is in ♪
Danger, girl in distress ♪
Breathing in gets hard ♪
Longing for you, baby ♪
It's tearing me apart ♪
Oh, patience
is what you cause ♪
Deep down in my heart ♪
A big explosion ♪
♪(ends)