Franklin and Bash (2011) s01e04 Episode Script
Bro-Bono
I never kiss and tell.
Yeah, right.
All right.
My ball.
All right.
What about Ann Weisler? What about her? Couldn't keep that a secret.
You're the only person I told about that.
What happened that night will die with me.
I love the Ann Weisler story.
Making love on the beach in Del Mar, getting tangled up in the kelp.
Kelp is sexy.
Okay, like I said, I didn't tell anybody.
Pindar's not anybody.
What about you and Hanna? Okay -- nothing happened with me and Hanna, okay? Your husband said, "You knew who I was when you married me," after you confronted him about cheating on you.
You see, that's an admission of guilt and will trigger the infidelity clause against him.
I don't want things to get nasty.
Oh, well, let's hope they don't come to that.
You can catch more flies with honey.
Ready? Oh.
Mulligan.
-You got it, buddy.
-Thanks, buddy.
Karp's coming! By the way, did I tell you -- I actually breed Portuguese honeybees.
Why don't we step into my office? Mm.
Surprise! Happy Birthday! You do not look 50.
There, I've said it.
That's because I'm not anywhere near 50.
Birthday? I thought -that was in September.
It is.
Well, it wouldn't have been a surprise then.
-What's this? -This is from us.
And the firm chipped in for all of it.
-Stanton.
-So -Ah.
- Thanks, Stanton.
And who is this? Oh, this is Maya Paxton.
She's what we call a "client.
" We're handling her divorce.
You know, you'd think with my name above the door, somebody would put a beverage in my hand.
Ah.
Derek.
How's your wife? Come on.
Maya Paxton.
Yeah.
Wife of Rick Paxton.
-Guy who climbed Everest alone? -Oh.
Ballooned solo around the globe.
Swam the English channel -- guy is a walking cologne commercial.
Paxton also owns a significant video-game company.
For now.
We'll take care of that.
Um, I don't know how many of you will have jobs tomorrow, but you should probably get back to them.
Damien, loosen up! It's almost your birthday! Hey.
Here's the thing.
Let me give you a little tip here.
Girls like a guy who know how to have fun.
-Lots of fun.
-Oh.
See, I want this to be a good horse race between you and me.
But right now, I'm just pulling ahead.
I'm way out there.
Oh.
Yeah.
That's a very cool guitar.
Do you mind if I Sure.
Thanks.
Need a pick? Sure, I'll use your plectrum.
"Plectrum.
" That's beautiful.
That is beautiful.
-Absolutely.
-Did you write that? Needs a tuning.
Thank you, Jared.
I'm gonna get back to my desk.
You should tune -- you should tune it.
-You should tune it.
-You should tune it.
Ooh, what a mixture such a vivid picture ooh, what a mixture if I must say so myself All right, let's do this! All right, boys.
You might want to back up for this one.
I don't feel so good.
I don't want to do this.
Get somebody short, please.
I'm gonna be sick.
Pindy, if you puke near me again, I swear to God, I will take off your head.
Just do it! Just do it, then! Oh! Awesome! All right.
Pay up.
Ohh.
Uh, listen, if this private-investigator thing doesn't work out, there's always special forces.
Thank you.
I get a cut of that.
Let me ask you -- if you were a chick, would you go for me or Karp? -Karp.
-What? What? He's got the Porsche, the Wilshire condo, the Soho house membership.
Okay, you are one vapid chick.
You know what? I don't even want to date you.
Well, it's a moot point, 'cause I'd be boning Karp.
I want to see other people.
Go ahead.
Oh! Is that Everybody's all-American! Danny Dubois! Double D! Yeah! How great is this place, after 10 years you can still cruise it and know something's happening here? Yeah, that is great.
We should move.
Well, Double D heard that.
You did the thing with the face! Let's move in together! We should! That wouldn't be awkward at all! Last we heard, you were some hedge-fund guy in Connecticut.
Yeah.
Just out here visiting family.
Sure you don't want a drink? No, thanks.
I do need a lawyer, though.
Last week, I got caught up in a little brawl.
-Like a brouhaha? - I don't know.
I was at a strip club, and there were beer, fists, and teeth flying.
-Ah, a donnybrook.
-Ah.
Oh.
Sweet.
So I thought I'd throw a little business your way, and since Bash here is tapping the D.
A We broke up.
That sucks.
Yeah, also, we're with Infeld/Daniels now.
We don't really do donnybrooks.
So give us a call when you start embezzling pension funds.
Nad! Still a wise-ass! Don't call me "Nad.
" Danny's a tool.
He was a tool back then, he's a tool now.
Is this about the shower thing? Oh, come on.
That was 15 years ago! Yeah.
Fine.
You know what? We'll do it.
Any excuse for you to see your ex.
Danny was at home when his buddy Mike Cromwell called from the club.
Some guys were messing with Mike and he needed backup, so he called Danny.
So why call the cops? Danny ends up getting his ass kicked while Mike hid behind the bar.
Guess who gets charged with the assault.
-Your client.
-Exactly.
Look at the report.
Everyone was throwing punches.
Including your client.
Sitting this one out, Jared? Just the meetings involving you.
Look, he's got no record, and there's no way to tell who started the fight.
I'm reading.
Stop biting your lip.
Stop looking at me.
She knows that's a strong move.
Oh, sometime today.
Okay.
Talk.
All right.
The club manager has no interest in pursuing this case.
It's not my case.
It's been assigned to Ellen Swatello.
No! She hates us.
She hates everybody.
I'll talk to her, see if I can get her to reduce the charges.
Thank you.
You're just being cruel.
Stop.
What? Okay.
Let's begin.
Even though this is an arbitration and the evidentiary rules are relaxed, the rule of law still applies.
All right, all right.
Can we just do this, please? Sure.
How about ladies first? My client, Maya Paxton, is seeking a divorce for loss of consortium.
Mr.
Paxton lost interest in his wife.
They haven't had sex in eight months, which suggests that he reverted to his old ways.
We're gonna show that Rick Paxton violated the infidelity clause in the prenup.
That's not true.
Interesting theory.
I don't suppose you have any proof? Aside from the fact he's obviously grown tired of sleeping -- Glenna! He's right.
Unless you want to get sanctioned, I wouldn't finish that sentence.
We're working on the proof.
We'll find it.
Trust me.
When someone cheats, I find out eventually.
Because of Mr.
Paxton's sexual history, dual infidelity clauses were instituted, punishing both parties.
I'm aware of that.
Well, it's hard for my client to have sex with his wife if she's always in Florida doing her home-shopping show.
I-it's even harder to have sex when her husband's crossing the Atlantic in a balloon.
Assuming he didn't have his girlfriend in the balloon.
Whoa.
Whoa, now, hold on.
Now, it's one thing to say that I cheated on Maya, it's another to say that I cheated on my solo flight.
Wow, so glad to see you have your priorities in order, Rick.
I mean, God forbid you'd cheat on a balloon.
Your honor, I believe the prosecution -- who, by the way, looks radiant today -- has a motion to reduce the charges? I'm aware Mr.
Bash spoke to my happily engaged colleague, Janie Ross.
Ohh.
She went for your knees there, bro.
Unsportsmanlike conduct, your honor.
It does seem a bit personal.
No kidding.
Thank you.
Your honor.
But new evidence has come to light that requires a new charge be added -- driving under the influence.
D.
U.
I.
? Come on, this was a little A donnybrook.
Which your client drove to drunk.
We have security-camera footage of the defendant driving recklessly across a golf course and up to the strip club.
I drove up in a golf cart.
And when the police arrived, they took everyone's blood alcohol, and Mr.
Dubois' was above the legal limit.
Did you charge everyone who drove to the club with d.
U.
I.
? Just the ones who punched the arresting officer.
He wasn't wearing a uniform.
I didn't mean to punch him.
I didn't mean to punch you.
It would have been helpful if you mentioned that detail to us, Double D.
Assault charges gone.
Drunk-driving charges added.
Wow, I didn't see that coming.
Did you, Mr.
Bash? What kind of stunt was that? Look who's whining about stunts.
See you guys at trial.
What is her problem? What is your problem?! Oh.
Ohh.
Really? -You asked.
-I didn't ask anything.
You asked the question.
-Hi.
-Hi.
I've been here eight years, and I still have to deal with imbeciles like you two, while your sainted suck-up Janie, who's been here half as long as me, gets bumped up to Major Crimes.
Yeah, okay.
Have a nice day.
Why can't I find a woman like that? What's going on? If the cop's so pissed, why don't they just stick with the assault? 'Cause if they just charged you and not everyone who threw a punch, we'd argue selective prosecution.
Now they can go after just you.
Yeah, they're gonna ask for jail time, and if you're convicted, they'll get it.
Guys, I had two beers.
I wasn't drunk.
Again, where were you when you got the call to go to the club? I was kicking it at home.
Okay, when you say "Kicking it" -- feel free to join us in this decade -- where would that be? That's not a tough question.
Where were you? I live with my grandmother.
I got in the game just as the economy tanked, so I was the last hired and the first fired.
Couldn't keep the condo, so I came here.
Are you gonna be able to pay us? I was kind of hoping you had a pro bono policy.
"Bro Bono.
" Hey, Nana.
Hey, Danny, come on! We got to get to the market.
We miss free samples after 5:00.
If I get a D.
U.
I.
, do I lose my license? Yeah, probably.
For a while.
I drive my grandmother and her friends to the doctor and errands.
I thought it'd be a pain in the ass, but turns out they keep me young.
Danny! Come on! All right, all right.
For God's sake, come on.
Admit it! You're happy that Danny's fallen on rough times.
He was a dick to you in high school.
That's not true, Peter, because there, but for the grace of God, go I.
If I were a douche.
Hey.
What happened? Your colleagues only succeeded in getting Rick and his lawyer angry.
And what a raging bitch.
Well, Hanna and Karp know that your husband's a public figure and he wants to keep the divorce quiet.
But the threat of blowing up the arbitration and taking this to a public trial is sound legal advice.
It just lacks human compassion and puts more money into our firm and theirs.
I appreciate the honesty.
Could use a little bit of that in my life.
Thank you.
Anytime! We're open three days a week.
You really are determined to get us fired, aren't you? Carmen talked to a stripper who saw Danny break up the fight.
Why not put her on the stand? Thought about it, but jurors don't like strippers.
You know who they do love? Old people.
Gonna talk to Danny's grandmother and her friends, see if any of them noticed that Danny was sober when he left.
I love old people.
I tried to live in a retirement home once.
They're clean, there's no stigma to being housebound, and the food is delicious.
Let me handle this.
You got it, pal.
Just keep your eye on the ball.
I got a call from Maya Paxton.
She was very impressed with your candor this afternoon.
Me? Not so much.
Hi, Pindar.
Hello, sir.
You upset? Well, we're not the poverty law center, Jared.
We're actually in this to make a profit.
However, Maya liked you so much, she wants you on the Paxton arbitration.
With Hanna? Well, I-I need him on the assault case.
Damien can fill you in with the details.
Or Hanna.
Probably Hanna.
Yeah.
Uh, is there something I should know about those two? -No.
-Really? No.
There's been some talk.
I-I don't listen tothatkind of stuff.
Really? Hmm.
All right.
Hmm.
We all together? I am, of course, Pindar Singh.
I wish I could be there with you today, but I am unfortunately stuck in London.
That's bullshit.
-Get out of here! -Bullshit! I want to thank you all for coming today.
Whatever we can do to help my grandson.
Okay.
You live at the Palms.
Stellar facility.
Not as nice as Coldwater Creek, but a much nicer piano.
I hate the parrot in the lobby.
Nasty bird.
I'm sorry.
Who said that? -Me.
I hate birds.
-Me too.
Did you know that birds carry more germs than rodents? I used to shoot 'em out of my bedroom window till the home took away my second amendment rights.
Perhaps we can kill birds together someday, miss -Nanette.
-Nanette.
Uh, how much did Danny have to drink that night? We were at my place watching "Ice Road Truckers," and Danny dropped by after his run.
We tend to congregate in my room.
Best TV in the village.
Nanette is talking! Thank you.
Hi.
Hi.
Um, how much did Danny have to drink? He was on his second beer when the phone call came from his friend.
Is there any way to back up your recollection that Danny only had two beers? Well, I still have four beers from that six-pack in my fridge.
Would that help? Doesn't hurt Nanette.
Pindar.
The plans for my dream house were drawn up before I even met Maya.
I mean, if there's any dream involved here, it's mine.
Rick can have it.
Ain't no thing.
I don't want it.
Maya, we didn't agree to this.
Jared and I discussed it on the way over, and the house is a disaster.
Well, fine.
Uh, then Maya can have the -- the cabin in Aspen.
I mean, she's the skier in the family -- or was the skier.
Mm.
How did you let this happen? -Me? -Yeah, you.
Let's keep moving.
We can be done in an hour.
Great.
I'll make a tee time for 2:00.
Hey, wait a minute! Yes.
Everybody just needs to stop being so Decent? This is a complicated case.
There are irreconcilable differences.
Like the fact that Mr.
Paxton is cheating on his wife.
Oh, absent proof.
I don't see how you think We got phone records, e-mails, andthose pictures are pretty clear evidence of a relationship.
Your client's little transgression just triggered item five to the tune of $60 million.
Fine.
I raise you another $60 million.
Whoa.
Wait a minute.
Both sleeping with the same mistress? How very green of you.
Put them together, it's funner.
-Wow.
-Yeah.
Why didn't you tell us? It's not what it looks like.
Question for the scary lady.
That one.
Why are we seeing this crap now? Why are we just seeing yours? We just learned about it.
Oh, please.
And if you hadn't spent so much time trolling the sludge to get your client a payoff she doesn't deserve, we wouldn't have been forced to counter your unsubstantiated story with ours.
It's a draw, people.
Let's go home.
It was a kiss goodbye.
I didn't cheat.
I know.
We're the last of a dying breed, Maya.
You dumped me.
Why am i the one who cheated? Okay.
Hanna and I didn't have sex.
Let's put that to bed.
Okay, since both clients violated the infidelity clause, your client isn't entitled to $60 million.
Well, fine.
M-maybe I did cheat.
But that doesn't mean I don't love you.
Maya.
That sounded an awful lot like an admission of an affair.
-Uh, he said "maybe.
" -What were you thinking? -I can't believe you.
-Carmen? You want me to find out who's cheating on who.
Okay, you couldn't possibly have known I was gonna ask you that.
I'll take care of it.
Where'd everybody go? You'll be great.
Don't be nervous.
I'll be fine! You've walked me through my testimony seven times.
Leave me on for the trial.
Did you bring the remaining four beers from the six-pack? They're right there next to you.
Oh.
Your honor, I'd ask that these beers be marked -as defense exhibit "C.
" -So marked.
How do you know these are the same beers, ma'am? I don't drink, but I always keep a six-pack in the fridge for Danny.
Oh, so sweet.
Now, I assume the prosecution will attack your memory based on My age.
You can say it.
I'm 74.
"The Moon is Blue.
" William Holden and David Niven.
Written by F.
Hugh Herbert, directed by Otto Preminger, in 1953.
Nanette has memorized every movie for the past 60 years.
Miss Swatello care to challenge her memory? Your honor? Uh, "Leprechaun"? Nice.
Written and directed by Mark Jones in 1993, starring Warwick Davis anda young Jennifer Aniston.
Yeah.
It's a parlor trick.
It doesn't show her ability to remember relevant details in a given moment.
Which is why I brought this! Your honor, with the court's permission, I'd like to blindfold Nanette to prove her recall.
Granted.
Nanette The juror in the back row, second from the right, what's she wearing? Tangerine top, almost matches her hair.
How about the D.
A.
, Miss Swatello? Gray pants, gray jacket, even her shoes -- everything is gray.
The mural behind me -- what is it? Native Americans greeting settlers at the Pacific Ocean.
And what are they holding? Corn.
Corn.
Excuse me.
-Hi.
- Can I help you? I've got a house I want to build.
I hear you're good at drawing them.
I'd love to help you, but A kiss goodbye while waiting for my car.
Frozen, it looks like something else.
Yeah.
Frozen -- wellIt looks hot.
Maya and I met on the plans when Rick was out of town.
Seriously, it was nothing.
And was this nothing, too? Look, I never slept with Rick.
One time, we almost -- You know, I could subpoena you to tell us.
And I could sit there and keep my mouth shut.
Or I could make stuff up about Maya that you wouldn't like.
Your memory is impressive, but I'd like to challenge you one more time.
Do you remember where you were the night of May 6, 1998? Objection.
What does that have to do with the events on August 2nd? It's the date Nanette Norton was convicted of prostitution.
Miss Norton has never been -- Miss Norton wasn't.
But Nancy Blesoe was.
Or was it Miranda Cain? You've had several aliases, haven't you? Yes.
Oh, my God! My Nanette's a whore! But I'm not lying about Danny! He only drank two beers.
Due respect, but everything about you is a lie.
You've been convicted of credit-card fraud, kiting checks, and three other prostitution convictions.
In fact, I'm starting to think maybe today's not the first time you were asked to be blindfolded.
Was it? So, Allison was in love with Rick Paxton, but not Maya? Well, that's one for the home team.
Well, not so fast.
Maya was in love with Rick Paxton, but Paxton wasn't in love with her.
In fact, they never even had sex.
Well, they almost did but didn't.
She didn't say why.
Wait -- when Maya confronted Rick about having the affair with Allison, he basically admitted to it, and now she's saying that they didn't consummate? Why would Allison be lying? Maybe she's not.
Do you think he is? Paxton is admitting to an affair -so he can lose $11 million.
-He's a guy.
Guy's accused of cheating -- his first instinct is to lie.
Rick's first instinct is to admit it? Well, maybe he was being honest about what really happened when they were together, instead oflying about it.
He's hiding something.
You getting a blip on the gaydar? The guy's a notorious international womanizer.
Hell, he markets himself that way.
ThenWhat? What do men lie about? -Money.
-Size.
-Everything.
-Girth.
Okay.
A little angry.
All right? You're in the right ballpark.
As Rick Paxton will tell you, it's not the size of the balloon, it's whether you can get it off the ground.
Spare us the analogies.
He couldn't get an erection.
Okay, so if he was willing to pay off the prenup to keep his private business private, then how are we gonna get him to admit to it? This is why you hire us.
My sweet old lady turned out to be a hooker.
Who doesn't have one of those in their lives? Makes me want to play a song.
That's unfortunate.
All right.
You name the artist.
Okay.
Cold War Kids.
Ah, something between the Eagles or AC/DC.
But you choose -- just as long as it's The Eagles or AC/DC.
That -- no -- I don't think so.
Hey.
I need to talk to you.
No, me first.
Nanette imploded on the stand today.
So we're stuck with the rising blood alcohol defense.
Well, maybe the relevant time isn't when he drank but whether the alcohol was in his system when he got in the golf cart.
Yeah, I like it, but the jury needs something they can sink their teeth into, not an anatomy lesson.
Speaking of anatomy, I think I can win our case with Maya if I can get some alone time with Rick Paxton.
To talk about what? Okay, you only get one joke about this 'cause I got to move on it, all right? -Promise.
-His flaccid penis.
You can't negotiate with the opposing party without his lawyer present.
I just want to invite him to Margarita Monday at the cave.
Where's it say it's against the law to invite someone to a party? How about the California attorney's code of professional conduct? See, I always thought of that as more of a guideline.
Seriously, that's it on "flaccid penis"? Too easy.
I was really hoping for something there.
Don't talk to Rick Paxton! It's too risky! Which makes for a bigger reward! Oh.
Uh, you can't approach me without my counsel.
We're just riding together.
I haven't said anything.
You know, your architect said you didn't have sex with her.
You say you did.
One of you is lying.
Well, so much for just riding together.
Do you want to tell me why, or should we take this to court? Well, you won't be trying it, because you will be disbarred.
Well, then I'll take you down with me.
I'm just kidding.
But I will take you down with me.
Oh, so this is blackmail, too? Unless you agree to come to Margarita Monday at my place.
You give me 10 minutes.
You don't like what I have to say, all it costs you is an epic party.
After that, we can go back to the arbitration, lawyers get rich, and you can turn me in.
Oh.
It's your call.
You crossed the line.
We're Franklin and Bash.
We crossed the line This is an ethics violation that could put us out on our asses.
I don't understand how you can be so calm.
Because I know Paxton will come, and I know I'm right on this.
Well, you better be, Jared.
And you better be Peter.
He's just stressed about Danny's trial.
Well, it's not his fault.
He got a loser.
Hey, what'd I do to you to make you hate me so much? Because I don't even remember.
Kind of says it all right there, doesn't it? Come in! Hi.
Carmen sent me.
It's not a speakeasy.
Come on in.
Oh.
Oh.
You got five minutes.
Come on in.
First time I saw your face my heart skipped a beat something about you, baby Well Look who flew back from London.
I didn't break any laws.
You're so pretty.
It's funny.
I I feel like I know you.
But, actually, this is the first time I've seen you face-to-face.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you the truth.
I guess whatever you did is when I was last arrested.
Oh, baby baby baby Oh.
Your love is killing me So, is it always like this here? Ah, sorry.
It's a school night.
You should see it on the weekends.
Ahh.
Okay.
Talk.
I know why you didn't have sex with Allison Cruze.
What makes you think I didn't? Because the same thing happened to me a couple weeks ago in this very house.
This girl came over -- smoking hot.
Wait, wait, wait a minute.
NotHanna Linden? Well, she came over, and it got a little crazy, and when it was "go" time, I couldn't storm the beach.
- Ah.
-It's humiliating.
It's every guy's worst nightmare, right? Ahh.
Advantage, Karp.
Huh? Well, it is one thing for me to go soft -- it's another thing if it turns out you did.
Stirred Magazine's "Most virile man alive.
" That's not just bad for your reputation, that's bad -- Excuse me, boys.
That's bad for your business.
I-I don't know what you're talking about.
Come on.
That's why you wanted arbitration, instead of a trial.
You'd rather be guilty of infidelity and sweep it under the rug than let the world know that you might be Impotent.
Look I think it was environmental.
-It -- -No, no.
See, we had black mold in our new house.
I saw online somewhere that -- that there's these -- these Side effects.
Okay.
Yeah.
Well, mine was environmental, too.
'Cause, see, we were all set to go, and then an ABBA song came on, -and that was it.
Look, I read almost all of your autobiography a couple of times, okay? You're not a quitter.
Okay, Maya's there.
Go get her.
Another dive! What is going on? "Cocoon" drinking game.
Every time one of the retirees in the movie takes a dive in the pool, they take a shot.
Wow.
We going to jail? I don't think so.
I think I may have gotten through to Paxton.
Those folks really like Danny, huh? They're gonna be lost without him if we lose this.
Maybe I'll help you win it.
Not for Danny, but for them.
You know what? You can.
I think you can, buddy.
Ohh, no.
Come on, let's go.
We're late.
I'm coming.
I'm coming.
-Hey, got a sec? -Uh, not really.
-We're late for court.
Okay.
-It'll only be a minute.
Be over here Not listening.
I want to talk to you about the rumors going around about us.
What rumors? You're telling everyone that we didn't have sex? 'Cause I got your back.
This is not the Monday after prom, Jared, okay? I don't care what people think ever.
And if they find out the truth that we had crazy, headboard-banging sex and that I had 19 orgasms that made me see flying unicorns, that's fine by me.
Because I'm a big girl, and I'm responsible for everything I do, whether it's in the courtroom or the bedroom.
Okay.
All right, then.
Uh, I'll see you at arbitration.
Yeah.
What time does the security camera show my client driving through the golf course, which is a private property, and the only thing he risked injuring were ducks? Not to interrupt Mr.
Bash's editorial, but he also drove on Marina Boulevard.
This is my time.
And he crossed -- crossed Marina Boulevard The footage was taken at 10:41 p.
m.
And at what time did you administer the blood alcohol test? he punched me in the face.
And a half hour after he was driving? O-objection! Mr.
Bash, would you care to tell me what you're doing before I hold you and your colleague in contempt? We're arguing how it takes time for alcohol to be absorbed into a person's body.
Mr.
Franklin is demonstrating that to the jury.
Oh, would it have killed you to chill these? My God.
Take out your taser, Chuck.
If he takes another sip, hit him with everything you've got.
May we approach the bench with Penn and Teller? Fine.
I'd ask that officer Preston be allowed to administer a field sobriety test to Mr.
Franklin.
Your honor, this is -- Respectfully, your honor, we know you're new to the bench.
I'd hate to see you overturned on appeal.
-I mean, that's -- -Embarrassing.
Very embarrassing.
Can you check to see if Mr.
Franklin is drunk, in addition to being insane? You're on, kid.
You're on.
Officer Preston Mr.
Franklin a sobriety test that registered a result of .
001.
-Is that the legal limit? - Yes.
Okay, could you have Mr.
Franklin blow into this device again? I'm good.
Could you please blow, sir? .
09.
-That's above the legal limit.
-Yeah, it is.
Does he appear under the influence? Yes.
Lightweight.
I love you.
But he wasn't 15 minutes ago.
Isn't it possible that Danny Dubois was sober when he drove the golf cart but legally intoxicated when he was tested after the fight? It's possible he was under the limit when he was driving.
It's possible.
No further questions.
You can sit down now.
You can sit down.
Hoo! You finally figured out a way to get wasted in court.
So who is it? Who is who? Who is the guy who has to spend eternity with with this? Don't be hostile, Jared.
You get custody of Peter.
You won.
You know, I've listened to Peter talk about how beautiful you are, and I never saw it.
But now seeing you standing there, with beer goggles I still don't get it! I don't get it.
I really -- If you want to pretend you didn't spend your first year of law school staring at me in con law, go ahead.
I was looking at Professor Hayes.
You were in the front row, which says everything about you.
Answer your damn phone.
Is that me? Pizza Hut.
Karp, honey.
Okay, I'll be right there.
All right, uh Uh, Rick and Maya Paxton are on their way to the office.
They say it's urgent.
Think I'm a little too inebriated to drive back.
On a couple of beers? I had the other two after the second sobriety test.
-What?! -I was celebrating! I can stop anytime I want to.
Look, I just don't want to take the risk, okay? You go in my place.
I'll stay here.
You'll be back in time.
If not, I'll ask for a continuance.
Right.
What could possibly go wrong with that plan? There you go.
Bye! Thanks for joining us, Mr.
Franklin.
Where's Mr.
Bash? Uh, little problem.
He was called away on emergency, so if we could get a brief Continu-- continuation, that'd be great.
I'm not gonna keep this jury waiting.
You're co-counsel.
Are you prepared for closing argument? Absolutely.
Then you're on.
Ladies and gentlemen, I got to admit, uh, I'm a little buzzed.
Let me tell you something about Danny Dubois? There it is.
I've known Double D since we were in high school, and back then, he was the type of guy who showered with the cheerleaders, one of whom was my girlfriend! Which is relevant how? I'll tell you how.
See, I was still pissed when we took on this case, because I just assumed Danny was the same dick who snaked my girl back in high school.
Then I thought he was just a loser when I found out he was sleeping on his grandmother's couch because he lost his job.
Can i object? I'm afraid not.
But I was wrong.
That sounded like when Fonzie says he's wrong, and he can't say it.
Wr-r-- sorry.
Geez, how could he be a loser if he liked taking care of his grandmother and her friends? And how could he be a dick if he tried to save an ex-teammate from a bar fight? I wouldn't call that person a loser or a dick.
I would call that man a friend.
Danny was sober when he jumped in the golf cart, raced through a golf course, and across a city street.
Now, is it a bad idea and against the law to get behind the wheel intoxicated? Yeah.
But getting behind the wheel sober -- sober? No.
No.
No! It's not! Period.
-Mr.
Franklin? -Yo.
Are you done? Uh Like a fox, your honor.
Thanks for listenin'.
Thank you, Peter.
Good luck.
Let me in.
No.
When I find out what the two of you did -- and trust me, I will -- I'm gonna turn your nut sac into my coin purse.
I know you're saying all kinds of threatening things, but I'm just picturing you naked right now.
What's going on? What are you doing here? Where's your organ monkey? Uh, Jared is running late.
Stanton.
What's happening? He won't let me see my client.
He won't let us see our client.
Oh.
Well, will you let me see? Absolutely.
Oh, thank you.
Oh.
Mm.
After I couldn't, you know make it work with you, I panicked.
I thought maybe I was bored with marriage sex, and I-I thought another woman might do the trick -- but it didn't.
I'm trying to fix everything by myself.
No Viagra, no therapy -- Because you have to do everything solo.
Admit no weakness? Well I am now.
And I will tear up that prenup if you just give me another chance.
Jump on it.
It's a great deal.
This is a teaching moment For us all.
Teaching moment, indeed.
Look, I am aware sex has broken out between some of the senior partners.
Now, what do you think happens when there's jealousy and sexual tension in the workplace? Loss of concentration? And unprofessional conduct.
-Mm.
-Yes! Actually, I was also thinking Healthy competition.
I mean, you cocks, you strut around the place trying to impress the hen.
I mean, more inspired work gets done.
It's fantastic! And, Peter, why don't you hook up with somebody here? I mean, Derek's wife -- she's quite lovely.
Why don't you make a run at her? I'll -- I'll get right on that, sir.
Oh.
I got to get back to court.
Wow.
-Whoo! -Very impressive.
I am impressive.
Nad! I don't know whether to thank you or say "I'm sorry.
" You could say "Jared.
" - Jared.
-Yeah.
Oh! I never showered with your girlfriend.
I showered with Sara Armstrong.
Peter's girlfriend? Hey! You did it! You're amazing! Ha ha! Hey, Danny.
I am gonna drink before every closing from now on, like Paul Newman in -- in "The Verdict.
" You all right, Hermano? Four beers in four minutes is a lot! Four beers in four minutes, plus a 12-inch hoagie -- that's a lot.
Ugh.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, don't go! Don't go! Aah! Oh, God! Ohh, I don't like it, Peter.
Yeah, right.
All right.
My ball.
All right.
What about Ann Weisler? What about her? Couldn't keep that a secret.
You're the only person I told about that.
What happened that night will die with me.
I love the Ann Weisler story.
Making love on the beach in Del Mar, getting tangled up in the kelp.
Kelp is sexy.
Okay, like I said, I didn't tell anybody.
Pindar's not anybody.
What about you and Hanna? Okay -- nothing happened with me and Hanna, okay? Your husband said, "You knew who I was when you married me," after you confronted him about cheating on you.
You see, that's an admission of guilt and will trigger the infidelity clause against him.
I don't want things to get nasty.
Oh, well, let's hope they don't come to that.
You can catch more flies with honey.
Ready? Oh.
Mulligan.
-You got it, buddy.
-Thanks, buddy.
Karp's coming! By the way, did I tell you -- I actually breed Portuguese honeybees.
Why don't we step into my office? Mm.
Surprise! Happy Birthday! You do not look 50.
There, I've said it.
That's because I'm not anywhere near 50.
Birthday? I thought -that was in September.
It is.
Well, it wouldn't have been a surprise then.
-What's this? -This is from us.
And the firm chipped in for all of it.
-Stanton.
-So -Ah.
- Thanks, Stanton.
And who is this? Oh, this is Maya Paxton.
She's what we call a "client.
" We're handling her divorce.
You know, you'd think with my name above the door, somebody would put a beverage in my hand.
Ah.
Derek.
How's your wife? Come on.
Maya Paxton.
Yeah.
Wife of Rick Paxton.
-Guy who climbed Everest alone? -Oh.
Ballooned solo around the globe.
Swam the English channel -- guy is a walking cologne commercial.
Paxton also owns a significant video-game company.
For now.
We'll take care of that.
Um, I don't know how many of you will have jobs tomorrow, but you should probably get back to them.
Damien, loosen up! It's almost your birthday! Hey.
Here's the thing.
Let me give you a little tip here.
Girls like a guy who know how to have fun.
-Lots of fun.
-Oh.
See, I want this to be a good horse race between you and me.
But right now, I'm just pulling ahead.
I'm way out there.
Oh.
Yeah.
That's a very cool guitar.
Do you mind if I Sure.
Thanks.
Need a pick? Sure, I'll use your plectrum.
"Plectrum.
" That's beautiful.
That is beautiful.
-Absolutely.
-Did you write that? Needs a tuning.
Thank you, Jared.
I'm gonna get back to my desk.
You should tune -- you should tune it.
-You should tune it.
-You should tune it.
Ooh, what a mixture such a vivid picture ooh, what a mixture if I must say so myself All right, let's do this! All right, boys.
You might want to back up for this one.
I don't feel so good.
I don't want to do this.
Get somebody short, please.
I'm gonna be sick.
Pindy, if you puke near me again, I swear to God, I will take off your head.
Just do it! Just do it, then! Oh! Awesome! All right.
Pay up.
Ohh.
Uh, listen, if this private-investigator thing doesn't work out, there's always special forces.
Thank you.
I get a cut of that.
Let me ask you -- if you were a chick, would you go for me or Karp? -Karp.
-What? What? He's got the Porsche, the Wilshire condo, the Soho house membership.
Okay, you are one vapid chick.
You know what? I don't even want to date you.
Well, it's a moot point, 'cause I'd be boning Karp.
I want to see other people.
Go ahead.
Oh! Is that Everybody's all-American! Danny Dubois! Double D! Yeah! How great is this place, after 10 years you can still cruise it and know something's happening here? Yeah, that is great.
We should move.
Well, Double D heard that.
You did the thing with the face! Let's move in together! We should! That wouldn't be awkward at all! Last we heard, you were some hedge-fund guy in Connecticut.
Yeah.
Just out here visiting family.
Sure you don't want a drink? No, thanks.
I do need a lawyer, though.
Last week, I got caught up in a little brawl.
-Like a brouhaha? - I don't know.
I was at a strip club, and there were beer, fists, and teeth flying.
-Ah, a donnybrook.
-Ah.
Oh.
Sweet.
So I thought I'd throw a little business your way, and since Bash here is tapping the D.
A We broke up.
That sucks.
Yeah, also, we're with Infeld/Daniels now.
We don't really do donnybrooks.
So give us a call when you start embezzling pension funds.
Nad! Still a wise-ass! Don't call me "Nad.
" Danny's a tool.
He was a tool back then, he's a tool now.
Is this about the shower thing? Oh, come on.
That was 15 years ago! Yeah.
Fine.
You know what? We'll do it.
Any excuse for you to see your ex.
Danny was at home when his buddy Mike Cromwell called from the club.
Some guys were messing with Mike and he needed backup, so he called Danny.
So why call the cops? Danny ends up getting his ass kicked while Mike hid behind the bar.
Guess who gets charged with the assault.
-Your client.
-Exactly.
Look at the report.
Everyone was throwing punches.
Including your client.
Sitting this one out, Jared? Just the meetings involving you.
Look, he's got no record, and there's no way to tell who started the fight.
I'm reading.
Stop biting your lip.
Stop looking at me.
She knows that's a strong move.
Oh, sometime today.
Okay.
Talk.
All right.
The club manager has no interest in pursuing this case.
It's not my case.
It's been assigned to Ellen Swatello.
No! She hates us.
She hates everybody.
I'll talk to her, see if I can get her to reduce the charges.
Thank you.
You're just being cruel.
Stop.
What? Okay.
Let's begin.
Even though this is an arbitration and the evidentiary rules are relaxed, the rule of law still applies.
All right, all right.
Can we just do this, please? Sure.
How about ladies first? My client, Maya Paxton, is seeking a divorce for loss of consortium.
Mr.
Paxton lost interest in his wife.
They haven't had sex in eight months, which suggests that he reverted to his old ways.
We're gonna show that Rick Paxton violated the infidelity clause in the prenup.
That's not true.
Interesting theory.
I don't suppose you have any proof? Aside from the fact he's obviously grown tired of sleeping -- Glenna! He's right.
Unless you want to get sanctioned, I wouldn't finish that sentence.
We're working on the proof.
We'll find it.
Trust me.
When someone cheats, I find out eventually.
Because of Mr.
Paxton's sexual history, dual infidelity clauses were instituted, punishing both parties.
I'm aware of that.
Well, it's hard for my client to have sex with his wife if she's always in Florida doing her home-shopping show.
I-it's even harder to have sex when her husband's crossing the Atlantic in a balloon.
Assuming he didn't have his girlfriend in the balloon.
Whoa.
Whoa, now, hold on.
Now, it's one thing to say that I cheated on Maya, it's another to say that I cheated on my solo flight.
Wow, so glad to see you have your priorities in order, Rick.
I mean, God forbid you'd cheat on a balloon.
Your honor, I believe the prosecution -- who, by the way, looks radiant today -- has a motion to reduce the charges? I'm aware Mr.
Bash spoke to my happily engaged colleague, Janie Ross.
Ohh.
She went for your knees there, bro.
Unsportsmanlike conduct, your honor.
It does seem a bit personal.
No kidding.
Thank you.
Your honor.
But new evidence has come to light that requires a new charge be added -- driving under the influence.
D.
U.
I.
? Come on, this was a little A donnybrook.
Which your client drove to drunk.
We have security-camera footage of the defendant driving recklessly across a golf course and up to the strip club.
I drove up in a golf cart.
And when the police arrived, they took everyone's blood alcohol, and Mr.
Dubois' was above the legal limit.
Did you charge everyone who drove to the club with d.
U.
I.
? Just the ones who punched the arresting officer.
He wasn't wearing a uniform.
I didn't mean to punch him.
I didn't mean to punch you.
It would have been helpful if you mentioned that detail to us, Double D.
Assault charges gone.
Drunk-driving charges added.
Wow, I didn't see that coming.
Did you, Mr.
Bash? What kind of stunt was that? Look who's whining about stunts.
See you guys at trial.
What is her problem? What is your problem?! Oh.
Ohh.
Really? -You asked.
-I didn't ask anything.
You asked the question.
-Hi.
-Hi.
I've been here eight years, and I still have to deal with imbeciles like you two, while your sainted suck-up Janie, who's been here half as long as me, gets bumped up to Major Crimes.
Yeah, okay.
Have a nice day.
Why can't I find a woman like that? What's going on? If the cop's so pissed, why don't they just stick with the assault? 'Cause if they just charged you and not everyone who threw a punch, we'd argue selective prosecution.
Now they can go after just you.
Yeah, they're gonna ask for jail time, and if you're convicted, they'll get it.
Guys, I had two beers.
I wasn't drunk.
Again, where were you when you got the call to go to the club? I was kicking it at home.
Okay, when you say "Kicking it" -- feel free to join us in this decade -- where would that be? That's not a tough question.
Where were you? I live with my grandmother.
I got in the game just as the economy tanked, so I was the last hired and the first fired.
Couldn't keep the condo, so I came here.
Are you gonna be able to pay us? I was kind of hoping you had a pro bono policy.
"Bro Bono.
" Hey, Nana.
Hey, Danny, come on! We got to get to the market.
We miss free samples after 5:00.
If I get a D.
U.
I.
, do I lose my license? Yeah, probably.
For a while.
I drive my grandmother and her friends to the doctor and errands.
I thought it'd be a pain in the ass, but turns out they keep me young.
Danny! Come on! All right, all right.
For God's sake, come on.
Admit it! You're happy that Danny's fallen on rough times.
He was a dick to you in high school.
That's not true, Peter, because there, but for the grace of God, go I.
If I were a douche.
Hey.
What happened? Your colleagues only succeeded in getting Rick and his lawyer angry.
And what a raging bitch.
Well, Hanna and Karp know that your husband's a public figure and he wants to keep the divorce quiet.
But the threat of blowing up the arbitration and taking this to a public trial is sound legal advice.
It just lacks human compassion and puts more money into our firm and theirs.
I appreciate the honesty.
Could use a little bit of that in my life.
Thank you.
Anytime! We're open three days a week.
You really are determined to get us fired, aren't you? Carmen talked to a stripper who saw Danny break up the fight.
Why not put her on the stand? Thought about it, but jurors don't like strippers.
You know who they do love? Old people.
Gonna talk to Danny's grandmother and her friends, see if any of them noticed that Danny was sober when he left.
I love old people.
I tried to live in a retirement home once.
They're clean, there's no stigma to being housebound, and the food is delicious.
Let me handle this.
You got it, pal.
Just keep your eye on the ball.
I got a call from Maya Paxton.
She was very impressed with your candor this afternoon.
Me? Not so much.
Hi, Pindar.
Hello, sir.
You upset? Well, we're not the poverty law center, Jared.
We're actually in this to make a profit.
However, Maya liked you so much, she wants you on the Paxton arbitration.
With Hanna? Well, I-I need him on the assault case.
Damien can fill you in with the details.
Or Hanna.
Probably Hanna.
Yeah.
Uh, is there something I should know about those two? -No.
-Really? No.
There's been some talk.
I-I don't listen tothatkind of stuff.
Really? Hmm.
All right.
Hmm.
We all together? I am, of course, Pindar Singh.
I wish I could be there with you today, but I am unfortunately stuck in London.
That's bullshit.
-Get out of here! -Bullshit! I want to thank you all for coming today.
Whatever we can do to help my grandson.
Okay.
You live at the Palms.
Stellar facility.
Not as nice as Coldwater Creek, but a much nicer piano.
I hate the parrot in the lobby.
Nasty bird.
I'm sorry.
Who said that? -Me.
I hate birds.
-Me too.
Did you know that birds carry more germs than rodents? I used to shoot 'em out of my bedroom window till the home took away my second amendment rights.
Perhaps we can kill birds together someday, miss -Nanette.
-Nanette.
Uh, how much did Danny have to drink that night? We were at my place watching "Ice Road Truckers," and Danny dropped by after his run.
We tend to congregate in my room.
Best TV in the village.
Nanette is talking! Thank you.
Hi.
Hi.
Um, how much did Danny have to drink? He was on his second beer when the phone call came from his friend.
Is there any way to back up your recollection that Danny only had two beers? Well, I still have four beers from that six-pack in my fridge.
Would that help? Doesn't hurt Nanette.
Pindar.
The plans for my dream house were drawn up before I even met Maya.
I mean, if there's any dream involved here, it's mine.
Rick can have it.
Ain't no thing.
I don't want it.
Maya, we didn't agree to this.
Jared and I discussed it on the way over, and the house is a disaster.
Well, fine.
Uh, then Maya can have the -- the cabin in Aspen.
I mean, she's the skier in the family -- or was the skier.
Mm.
How did you let this happen? -Me? -Yeah, you.
Let's keep moving.
We can be done in an hour.
Great.
I'll make a tee time for 2:00.
Hey, wait a minute! Yes.
Everybody just needs to stop being so Decent? This is a complicated case.
There are irreconcilable differences.
Like the fact that Mr.
Paxton is cheating on his wife.
Oh, absent proof.
I don't see how you think We got phone records, e-mails, andthose pictures are pretty clear evidence of a relationship.
Your client's little transgression just triggered item five to the tune of $60 million.
Fine.
I raise you another $60 million.
Whoa.
Wait a minute.
Both sleeping with the same mistress? How very green of you.
Put them together, it's funner.
-Wow.
-Yeah.
Why didn't you tell us? It's not what it looks like.
Question for the scary lady.
That one.
Why are we seeing this crap now? Why are we just seeing yours? We just learned about it.
Oh, please.
And if you hadn't spent so much time trolling the sludge to get your client a payoff she doesn't deserve, we wouldn't have been forced to counter your unsubstantiated story with ours.
It's a draw, people.
Let's go home.
It was a kiss goodbye.
I didn't cheat.
I know.
We're the last of a dying breed, Maya.
You dumped me.
Why am i the one who cheated? Okay.
Hanna and I didn't have sex.
Let's put that to bed.
Okay, since both clients violated the infidelity clause, your client isn't entitled to $60 million.
Well, fine.
M-maybe I did cheat.
But that doesn't mean I don't love you.
Maya.
That sounded an awful lot like an admission of an affair.
-Uh, he said "maybe.
" -What were you thinking? -I can't believe you.
-Carmen? You want me to find out who's cheating on who.
Okay, you couldn't possibly have known I was gonna ask you that.
I'll take care of it.
Where'd everybody go? You'll be great.
Don't be nervous.
I'll be fine! You've walked me through my testimony seven times.
Leave me on for the trial.
Did you bring the remaining four beers from the six-pack? They're right there next to you.
Oh.
Your honor, I'd ask that these beers be marked -as defense exhibit "C.
" -So marked.
How do you know these are the same beers, ma'am? I don't drink, but I always keep a six-pack in the fridge for Danny.
Oh, so sweet.
Now, I assume the prosecution will attack your memory based on My age.
You can say it.
I'm 74.
"The Moon is Blue.
" William Holden and David Niven.
Written by F.
Hugh Herbert, directed by Otto Preminger, in 1953.
Nanette has memorized every movie for the past 60 years.
Miss Swatello care to challenge her memory? Your honor? Uh, "Leprechaun"? Nice.
Written and directed by Mark Jones in 1993, starring Warwick Davis anda young Jennifer Aniston.
Yeah.
It's a parlor trick.
It doesn't show her ability to remember relevant details in a given moment.
Which is why I brought this! Your honor, with the court's permission, I'd like to blindfold Nanette to prove her recall.
Granted.
Nanette The juror in the back row, second from the right, what's she wearing? Tangerine top, almost matches her hair.
How about the D.
A.
, Miss Swatello? Gray pants, gray jacket, even her shoes -- everything is gray.
The mural behind me -- what is it? Native Americans greeting settlers at the Pacific Ocean.
And what are they holding? Corn.
Corn.
Excuse me.
-Hi.
- Can I help you? I've got a house I want to build.
I hear you're good at drawing them.
I'd love to help you, but A kiss goodbye while waiting for my car.
Frozen, it looks like something else.
Yeah.
Frozen -- wellIt looks hot.
Maya and I met on the plans when Rick was out of town.
Seriously, it was nothing.
And was this nothing, too? Look, I never slept with Rick.
One time, we almost -- You know, I could subpoena you to tell us.
And I could sit there and keep my mouth shut.
Or I could make stuff up about Maya that you wouldn't like.
Your memory is impressive, but I'd like to challenge you one more time.
Do you remember where you were the night of May 6, 1998? Objection.
What does that have to do with the events on August 2nd? It's the date Nanette Norton was convicted of prostitution.
Miss Norton has never been -- Miss Norton wasn't.
But Nancy Blesoe was.
Or was it Miranda Cain? You've had several aliases, haven't you? Yes.
Oh, my God! My Nanette's a whore! But I'm not lying about Danny! He only drank two beers.
Due respect, but everything about you is a lie.
You've been convicted of credit-card fraud, kiting checks, and three other prostitution convictions.
In fact, I'm starting to think maybe today's not the first time you were asked to be blindfolded.
Was it? So, Allison was in love with Rick Paxton, but not Maya? Well, that's one for the home team.
Well, not so fast.
Maya was in love with Rick Paxton, but Paxton wasn't in love with her.
In fact, they never even had sex.
Well, they almost did but didn't.
She didn't say why.
Wait -- when Maya confronted Rick about having the affair with Allison, he basically admitted to it, and now she's saying that they didn't consummate? Why would Allison be lying? Maybe she's not.
Do you think he is? Paxton is admitting to an affair -so he can lose $11 million.
-He's a guy.
Guy's accused of cheating -- his first instinct is to lie.
Rick's first instinct is to admit it? Well, maybe he was being honest about what really happened when they were together, instead oflying about it.
He's hiding something.
You getting a blip on the gaydar? The guy's a notorious international womanizer.
Hell, he markets himself that way.
ThenWhat? What do men lie about? -Money.
-Size.
-Everything.
-Girth.
Okay.
A little angry.
All right? You're in the right ballpark.
As Rick Paxton will tell you, it's not the size of the balloon, it's whether you can get it off the ground.
Spare us the analogies.
He couldn't get an erection.
Okay, so if he was willing to pay off the prenup to keep his private business private, then how are we gonna get him to admit to it? This is why you hire us.
My sweet old lady turned out to be a hooker.
Who doesn't have one of those in their lives? Makes me want to play a song.
That's unfortunate.
All right.
You name the artist.
Okay.
Cold War Kids.
Ah, something between the Eagles or AC/DC.
But you choose -- just as long as it's The Eagles or AC/DC.
That -- no -- I don't think so.
Hey.
I need to talk to you.
No, me first.
Nanette imploded on the stand today.
So we're stuck with the rising blood alcohol defense.
Well, maybe the relevant time isn't when he drank but whether the alcohol was in his system when he got in the golf cart.
Yeah, I like it, but the jury needs something they can sink their teeth into, not an anatomy lesson.
Speaking of anatomy, I think I can win our case with Maya if I can get some alone time with Rick Paxton.
To talk about what? Okay, you only get one joke about this 'cause I got to move on it, all right? -Promise.
-His flaccid penis.
You can't negotiate with the opposing party without his lawyer present.
I just want to invite him to Margarita Monday at the cave.
Where's it say it's against the law to invite someone to a party? How about the California attorney's code of professional conduct? See, I always thought of that as more of a guideline.
Seriously, that's it on "flaccid penis"? Too easy.
I was really hoping for something there.
Don't talk to Rick Paxton! It's too risky! Which makes for a bigger reward! Oh.
Uh, you can't approach me without my counsel.
We're just riding together.
I haven't said anything.
You know, your architect said you didn't have sex with her.
You say you did.
One of you is lying.
Well, so much for just riding together.
Do you want to tell me why, or should we take this to court? Well, you won't be trying it, because you will be disbarred.
Well, then I'll take you down with me.
I'm just kidding.
But I will take you down with me.
Oh, so this is blackmail, too? Unless you agree to come to Margarita Monday at my place.
You give me 10 minutes.
You don't like what I have to say, all it costs you is an epic party.
After that, we can go back to the arbitration, lawyers get rich, and you can turn me in.
Oh.
It's your call.
You crossed the line.
We're Franklin and Bash.
We crossed the line This is an ethics violation that could put us out on our asses.
I don't understand how you can be so calm.
Because I know Paxton will come, and I know I'm right on this.
Well, you better be, Jared.
And you better be Peter.
He's just stressed about Danny's trial.
Well, it's not his fault.
He got a loser.
Hey, what'd I do to you to make you hate me so much? Because I don't even remember.
Kind of says it all right there, doesn't it? Come in! Hi.
Carmen sent me.
It's not a speakeasy.
Come on in.
Oh.
Oh.
You got five minutes.
Come on in.
First time I saw your face my heart skipped a beat something about you, baby Well Look who flew back from London.
I didn't break any laws.
You're so pretty.
It's funny.
I I feel like I know you.
But, actually, this is the first time I've seen you face-to-face.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you the truth.
I guess whatever you did is when I was last arrested.
Oh, baby baby baby Oh.
Your love is killing me So, is it always like this here? Ah, sorry.
It's a school night.
You should see it on the weekends.
Ahh.
Okay.
Talk.
I know why you didn't have sex with Allison Cruze.
What makes you think I didn't? Because the same thing happened to me a couple weeks ago in this very house.
This girl came over -- smoking hot.
Wait, wait, wait a minute.
NotHanna Linden? Well, she came over, and it got a little crazy, and when it was "go" time, I couldn't storm the beach.
- Ah.
-It's humiliating.
It's every guy's worst nightmare, right? Ahh.
Advantage, Karp.
Huh? Well, it is one thing for me to go soft -- it's another thing if it turns out you did.
Stirred Magazine's "Most virile man alive.
" That's not just bad for your reputation, that's bad -- Excuse me, boys.
That's bad for your business.
I-I don't know what you're talking about.
Come on.
That's why you wanted arbitration, instead of a trial.
You'd rather be guilty of infidelity and sweep it under the rug than let the world know that you might be Impotent.
Look I think it was environmental.
-It -- -No, no.
See, we had black mold in our new house.
I saw online somewhere that -- that there's these -- these Side effects.
Okay.
Yeah.
Well, mine was environmental, too.
'Cause, see, we were all set to go, and then an ABBA song came on, -and that was it.
Look, I read almost all of your autobiography a couple of times, okay? You're not a quitter.
Okay, Maya's there.
Go get her.
Another dive! What is going on? "Cocoon" drinking game.
Every time one of the retirees in the movie takes a dive in the pool, they take a shot.
Wow.
We going to jail? I don't think so.
I think I may have gotten through to Paxton.
Those folks really like Danny, huh? They're gonna be lost without him if we lose this.
Maybe I'll help you win it.
Not for Danny, but for them.
You know what? You can.
I think you can, buddy.
Ohh, no.
Come on, let's go.
We're late.
I'm coming.
I'm coming.
-Hey, got a sec? -Uh, not really.
-We're late for court.
Okay.
-It'll only be a minute.
Be over here Not listening.
I want to talk to you about the rumors going around about us.
What rumors? You're telling everyone that we didn't have sex? 'Cause I got your back.
This is not the Monday after prom, Jared, okay? I don't care what people think ever.
And if they find out the truth that we had crazy, headboard-banging sex and that I had 19 orgasms that made me see flying unicorns, that's fine by me.
Because I'm a big girl, and I'm responsible for everything I do, whether it's in the courtroom or the bedroom.
Okay.
All right, then.
Uh, I'll see you at arbitration.
Yeah.
What time does the security camera show my client driving through the golf course, which is a private property, and the only thing he risked injuring were ducks? Not to interrupt Mr.
Bash's editorial, but he also drove on Marina Boulevard.
This is my time.
And he crossed -- crossed Marina Boulevard The footage was taken at 10:41 p.
m.
And at what time did you administer the blood alcohol test? he punched me in the face.
And a half hour after he was driving? O-objection! Mr.
Bash, would you care to tell me what you're doing before I hold you and your colleague in contempt? We're arguing how it takes time for alcohol to be absorbed into a person's body.
Mr.
Franklin is demonstrating that to the jury.
Oh, would it have killed you to chill these? My God.
Take out your taser, Chuck.
If he takes another sip, hit him with everything you've got.
May we approach the bench with Penn and Teller? Fine.
I'd ask that officer Preston be allowed to administer a field sobriety test to Mr.
Franklin.
Your honor, this is -- Respectfully, your honor, we know you're new to the bench.
I'd hate to see you overturned on appeal.
-I mean, that's -- -Embarrassing.
Very embarrassing.
Can you check to see if Mr.
Franklin is drunk, in addition to being insane? You're on, kid.
You're on.
Officer Preston Mr.
Franklin a sobriety test that registered a result of .
001.
-Is that the legal limit? - Yes.
Okay, could you have Mr.
Franklin blow into this device again? I'm good.
Could you please blow, sir? .
09.
-That's above the legal limit.
-Yeah, it is.
Does he appear under the influence? Yes.
Lightweight.
I love you.
But he wasn't 15 minutes ago.
Isn't it possible that Danny Dubois was sober when he drove the golf cart but legally intoxicated when he was tested after the fight? It's possible he was under the limit when he was driving.
It's possible.
No further questions.
You can sit down now.
You can sit down.
Hoo! You finally figured out a way to get wasted in court.
So who is it? Who is who? Who is the guy who has to spend eternity with with this? Don't be hostile, Jared.
You get custody of Peter.
You won.
You know, I've listened to Peter talk about how beautiful you are, and I never saw it.
But now seeing you standing there, with beer goggles I still don't get it! I don't get it.
I really -- If you want to pretend you didn't spend your first year of law school staring at me in con law, go ahead.
I was looking at Professor Hayes.
You were in the front row, which says everything about you.
Answer your damn phone.
Is that me? Pizza Hut.
Karp, honey.
Okay, I'll be right there.
All right, uh Uh, Rick and Maya Paxton are on their way to the office.
They say it's urgent.
Think I'm a little too inebriated to drive back.
On a couple of beers? I had the other two after the second sobriety test.
-What?! -I was celebrating! I can stop anytime I want to.
Look, I just don't want to take the risk, okay? You go in my place.
I'll stay here.
You'll be back in time.
If not, I'll ask for a continuance.
Right.
What could possibly go wrong with that plan? There you go.
Bye! Thanks for joining us, Mr.
Franklin.
Where's Mr.
Bash? Uh, little problem.
He was called away on emergency, so if we could get a brief Continu-- continuation, that'd be great.
I'm not gonna keep this jury waiting.
You're co-counsel.
Are you prepared for closing argument? Absolutely.
Then you're on.
Ladies and gentlemen, I got to admit, uh, I'm a little buzzed.
Let me tell you something about Danny Dubois? There it is.
I've known Double D since we were in high school, and back then, he was the type of guy who showered with the cheerleaders, one of whom was my girlfriend! Which is relevant how? I'll tell you how.
See, I was still pissed when we took on this case, because I just assumed Danny was the same dick who snaked my girl back in high school.
Then I thought he was just a loser when I found out he was sleeping on his grandmother's couch because he lost his job.
Can i object? I'm afraid not.
But I was wrong.
That sounded like when Fonzie says he's wrong, and he can't say it.
Wr-r-- sorry.
Geez, how could he be a loser if he liked taking care of his grandmother and her friends? And how could he be a dick if he tried to save an ex-teammate from a bar fight? I wouldn't call that person a loser or a dick.
I would call that man a friend.
Danny was sober when he jumped in the golf cart, raced through a golf course, and across a city street.
Now, is it a bad idea and against the law to get behind the wheel intoxicated? Yeah.
But getting behind the wheel sober -- sober? No.
No.
No! It's not! Period.
-Mr.
Franklin? -Yo.
Are you done? Uh Like a fox, your honor.
Thanks for listenin'.
Thank you, Peter.
Good luck.
Let me in.
No.
When I find out what the two of you did -- and trust me, I will -- I'm gonna turn your nut sac into my coin purse.
I know you're saying all kinds of threatening things, but I'm just picturing you naked right now.
What's going on? What are you doing here? Where's your organ monkey? Uh, Jared is running late.
Stanton.
What's happening? He won't let me see my client.
He won't let us see our client.
Oh.
Well, will you let me see? Absolutely.
Oh, thank you.
Oh.
Mm.
After I couldn't, you know make it work with you, I panicked.
I thought maybe I was bored with marriage sex, and I-I thought another woman might do the trick -- but it didn't.
I'm trying to fix everything by myself.
No Viagra, no therapy -- Because you have to do everything solo.
Admit no weakness? Well I am now.
And I will tear up that prenup if you just give me another chance.
Jump on it.
It's a great deal.
This is a teaching moment For us all.
Teaching moment, indeed.
Look, I am aware sex has broken out between some of the senior partners.
Now, what do you think happens when there's jealousy and sexual tension in the workplace? Loss of concentration? And unprofessional conduct.
-Mm.
-Yes! Actually, I was also thinking Healthy competition.
I mean, you cocks, you strut around the place trying to impress the hen.
I mean, more inspired work gets done.
It's fantastic! And, Peter, why don't you hook up with somebody here? I mean, Derek's wife -- she's quite lovely.
Why don't you make a run at her? I'll -- I'll get right on that, sir.
Oh.
I got to get back to court.
Wow.
-Whoo! -Very impressive.
I am impressive.
Nad! I don't know whether to thank you or say "I'm sorry.
" You could say "Jared.
" - Jared.
-Yeah.
Oh! I never showered with your girlfriend.
I showered with Sara Armstrong.
Peter's girlfriend? Hey! You did it! You're amazing! Ha ha! Hey, Danny.
I am gonna drink before every closing from now on, like Paul Newman in -- in "The Verdict.
" You all right, Hermano? Four beers in four minutes is a lot! Four beers in four minutes, plus a 12-inch hoagie -- that's a lot.
Ugh.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, don't go! Don't go! Aah! Oh, God! Ohh, I don't like it, Peter.