Frasier (2023) s01e04 Episode Script

1
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- Hey, guys.
- Oh, finally. Where have you been?
- You had us worried.
It's been years
since my last trivia contest.
I needed to bone up
on some deficient areas.
Sports, for example.
Did you know
that the Knickerbockers of New York City
have a spirited rivalry
with the Boston "Keltics?"
Maybe I should take sports.
Fine, I know when I'm out of my element.
You know where I'm in my element?
The table of elements.
You'll get the correct answer faster
than the half-life of livermorium.
Brilliant.
None of us dated in high school, did we?
Oh, Eve,
may I have a Negroni, please?
Yeah, and I'll have a Cognac,
the, uh, Louis Treize.
You know that's 150 a glass, right?
152 with a tip,
if you cut the small talk.
If memory serves,
the winning trivia team drinks for free.
Mm, you seem pretty confident.
That's a fun new color
from condescending.
One-fifty-one.
You know, back in our Oxford days,
this one here was an unstoppable force
- at our local pub quiz.
- [CHUCKLES]: Oh.
Frasier, were you ever bested?
I believe the answer
to that trivia question
is "hell no!"
Good.
I want to dominate.
My, you're competitive.
You should have seen her
at the faculty retreat.
You do not make youngest department head
by catching your rival
during a trust fall.
FRASIER: Oh.
Freddy, hi. Did you come
to witness your old man
- in his moment of triumph, huh? Hi, boys.
- Oh, yeah, sure.
I even brought the guys
so we can lift you up
on our shoulders after you win.
Well, just be careful
about my trick knee
Oh, you're joking.
Yeah, we have our own team,
and we're pretty damn good.
Welcome, nerds.
I am Eve, your emcee.
After last week's trivia night,
I just want to start with a blanket,
"Aw, you're so sweet,
but I'm busy this weekend."
Introducing tonight's teams.
From the theology department,
Cata-quiz-em.
OLIVIA: Forgive them, Lord,
for they know not anything.
The French department team,
Les Quiz-erables.
Might as well surrender
the way you always do.
The fire department team,
First Responders are the True Heroes.
- More like
- I wouldn't.
And the psychology department,
The "jung" and the Restless?
"Young," as in Carl Jung.
I told you we should have had T-shirts.
- Okay, you know the rules.
- [BELL DINGS]
Ding the bell when you know the answer.
Here we go.
- [BELL DINGS]
- I know my classic comedies.
You're describing Molière's
Les Fourberies de Scapin.
Close. Weekend at Bernie's.
Uh, Taizu defeated the Mongolian rulers,
which led to the Ming dynasty.
- Correct.
- Ming.
I was gonna say Tang.
- [BELL DINGS]
- Onomatopoeia.
As in "boom!"
- [BELL DINGS]
- Murder, She Wrote.
- I need her name.
- Oh, oh, oh, um,
she was Mrs. Potts,
uh, The Manchurian Candidate,
- Bedknobs and Broomsticks, she
- Dame Angela Lansbury.
- [BELL DINGS]
- My ex-wife Lilith.
[CHUCKLES] I'm kidding.
The arctic circle.
Oh. Sorry, Frederick.
[BELL DINGS]
The astronaut drink of choice was Tang.
Tang. I was gonna say Ming.
- [BELL DINGS]
- Manhattan.
Oh, no, I wasn't answering,
I was ordering.
Can I have a Manhattan?
[BELL DINGS]
The 1986 Boston Celtics.
Why does everyone insist
on mispronouncing "Keltics"?
I am surrounded by "Neandertals."
Who coined the phrase
"All's well that ends well"?
- [BELL DINGS]
- Shakespeare.
- EVE: Correct.
- Uh, uh, uh, no,
no, no, it's credited to Shakespeare,
but Thomas Middleton, who introduced him
to the Boccaccio tale
in which the play was based,
was a far more likely candidate
to coin the phr-the phrase.
Yeah, Wikipedia says Shakespeare.
Point to the firefighters.
Score is tied.
And for the final category: wine.
- Ooh!
- Oh! Stand back.
- I've got this.
- Okay.
Unless the subject is Oregon Rieslings,
which I refuse to acknowledge.
What do you call a wine bottle
that holds 15 liters?
A good time!
No, I-I've got this.
It's a funny story, actu
[BELL DINGS]
- Nebuchadnezzar.
- That's right!
Congrats, firefighters, you win!
[CHEERING, CLAMORING]
- How did you know that?
- Ah, well, you know
how some kids get to spend
their summers playing baseball?
I got to catalogue my dad's wine cellar.
That's cool. I spent my summers
on Cape Cod
covering for my dad's affairs.
Damn it, I hate losing.
No, we didn't lose.
We were robbed of a victory.
And I won't stand for it.
Um, Eve?
A moment of your time?
Aw, you're so sweet,
but I'm busy this weekend.
In your dreams.
You will rue the day you fought me
over Shakespeare and Middleton.
You know, you have made the
greatest mistake of your life.
The greatest mistake of my life
was not saying "I love you" to
my boyfriend the morning he left
and never came back.
You've made the second greatest
mistake of your life.
And until this issue is resolved,
I'm not paying my tab.
Then I guess you're done drinking.
Fellow heroes, we did it!
How about a round to celebrate?
Ah.
- All right.
- Well, congratulations.
It must be fun to show up
and beat the academics
at their own game.
You know, maybe I should show up
at your job and put out a fire.
Ooh!
That was so hard.
You know, I'm not surprised you won.
My son has always been a highly
educated, well-read young man.
Nobody would think
that he was just a fireman.
"Just" a fireman?
Oh, I'm sorry. That came out wrong.
Nobody would guess
you're only a fireman.
Oh. That's not better, is it?
Nope, it's also not surprising.
My dad's always felt that being
a firefighter
was somehow beneath me.
Oh, not in the least.
I don't think that at all.
No, it's okay. It's fine, Dad.
I'm just gonna head back to my buddies
and maybe catch the end
of the Celtics game.
Yeah.
That's right: Celtics.
Celtics.
Celtics.
Oh, people, people.
Don't block the fire lanes.
Civilians.
- Good morning. What are you up to?
- Hey.
Well, I'm making my chili for
the guys at the station tonight,
but, uh, got to double the recipe.
Which is, you know, tough 'cause I'm
just a firefighter, so
Uh, Dad, help me out,
what is two times four again?
I just [SIGHS]
You were a mathlete.
You know it's eight.
Right.
Eight, the one
that looks like a snowman.
Here's your chili pot.
Oh, thanks, Eve.
It's, uh uh
Eve, why does this smell
like baby lotion?
Ah. Old family recipe.
Also, I took some
really cute photos of John
- dressed up as a lobster.
- You got to stop
- Oh, my God, that is insanely cute.
- Yeah.
Five-alarm chili.
You know, since you already
have most of the ingredients,
why don't you consider making chili's
more sophisticated French cousin?
The cassoulet.
It's where the bean truly shines.
I don't know, Dad,
sounds kind of tricky.
Think I can handle that
since I'm just a firefighter?
Oh, God. You know I have
great respect for firefighters.
- But?
- However.
I have always wondered
why you narrowed your choices
down to just this one.
Given that you have so many gifts.
I use all my gifts
mental, physical, sartorial.
That's right.
I designed this shirt.
See the stitching?
- No.
- Exactly.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine. It's just
My dad is always
so dismissive of my job.
I mean, I-I honestly don't think
he'll ever understand
why I do what I do.
Maybe he would if he saw you in action.
Oh, sure, I'll just
start a small grease fire,
- see where it goes.
- No.
Invite him down to the station.
I didn't appreciate
what Adam did until I came down
and saw what you guys do every day.
Uh, I guess I could try.
Hey, uh, can I borrow a salad bowl?
Oh, come on, I'll put
a cabbage leaf on his head.
He'll be so cute.
Hey, Dad, crazy idea.
You want to come down
to the station today
and make that casserole thing?
Cassoulet.
A casserole is made with
canned soup and potato chips.
I appreciate the offer,
but I'm rather busy today.
Oh, okay, just
weird. 'cause I remember
you saying you were moving
to Boston so we could reconnect.
But I-I guess your plan
was to get closer
without actually
spending any time together.
You know, I hate it
when people quote me to me.
Makes it so much harder to object.
So you'll come? Great.
I'll get dressed. Oh, wait, remind me
do I put the pants on one leg at a time
- or wear them on my head like
- Just cut that out!
Well, here it is.
Boy, you can just feel
the testosterone in this place.
I'm fighting a deep-seated urge
to hand that man my lunch money.
I'm glad you're here.
But just so you know,
things can get real in a big hurry.
You never know when some emergency's
gonna upend your entire day.
- Freddy! Thank God you're here!
- Aah!
We need you, stat.
Here we go.
Who knows what this could be.
Do we have to do this today?
We can't do a sexy firefighter calendar
without our Mr. July.
By the way, would you rather wear
a red, white and blue Speedo or just
cover your junk with a Lincoln hat?
It's a fitting tribute
to the Great Emancipator.
Hey, Dad, just so you know,
this calendar
raises money for underprivileged kids.
Okay? Yeah, they visit
all the time. We made a real
difference in their lives.
- Very good, Frederick.
- Yeah, yeah, it is.
A-And y Okay. Just wait until you see
all the other aspects of my job.
It's getting weird.
See, we're experts
in emergency medical care,
uh, disaster response,
hazardous material mitigation.
Could we at least pop
that shirt off? Pecs sell.
No, we're good.
Come on, Freddy.
I was the New Year's baby.
Nothing but a diaper.
TINY: Yeah, Freddy.
Take your clothes off.
For the kids.
David.
Oh, hi, Uncle.
- I got the groceries you needed.
- What did you do
wrestle the grocer for them?
- You look terrible.
- I know.
No, I spent all weekend in the library.
I haven't showered or eaten since
Friday.
Did you have a paper due?
No, I went through a fire door
and got locked in the basement.
Again.
C-Come and sit down, rest a bit.
Hi, Freddy.
Hey, David.
You know Freddy?
Well, yeah, he's like
a big brother to me.
Especially 'cause
my parents aren't around.
Man, I miss them.
Did you know one of the orphans
was coming today?
Do you mind? I'm starving.
Oh, go ahead, big man.
Man, every one they send
is worse off than the last one.
You know what?
Let's give him the best day of his life.
Hey, buddy?
You want to see where the
firefighters sleep?
Do I!
Last night I slept
on the floor of the library.
Used a newspaper as a blanket.
Bless your heart.
[INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER]
You are wasting your time.
I'm not a dog person.
Shoo.
Think you're gonna wear me down?
Trust me, I have had
years of experience.
I outlasted that little mongrel,
I'll outlast you.
- Anything going on?
- Nope.
District is free and clear
of emergencies.
Damn it. I want Dad to see us in action.
There's got to be a fire somewhere.
No, like, a good fire, you know,
like a meth lab full of Yankees fans.
Hey, Doc, you need a sous chef?
Well, yeah, sure, Moose.
I didn't know you had
any experience in the kitchen.
I know a thing or two.
I mostly do desserts
flan, crème brûlée, pain au chocolat.
But my specialty is mousse.
That's how I got my nickname.
Of course, your nickname is Moose.
You're named after a dessert.
Take that, Occam's razor.
Grab a knife and start chopping.
[CHUCKLES]
Gosh, Frederick,
I'm so glad I came down today.
- This has really been fun.
- Fun? [SCOFFS]
Okay, well then, Dad,
you're missing the point,
'cause our job is many things.
It's challenging,
it's, uh, dangerous, heroic.
But it's not fun.
Whee!
I can't believe you guys
get to sleep in bunk beds.
And you have a dog?
You're so lucky.
[BELL RINGING]
DISPATCHER: Medical distress call,
male, 4, corner of 25th and Elm.
All right, Dad, perfect
opportunity to see me in action.
Yes, but I-I can't leave
my cassoulet mid-braise.
Its success hangs in the balance.
So does a man's life.
You want to see me save it?
Yes, all right, all right,
all right. I'll just
reduce it to a simmer, a-a lazy simmer.
Well, not so lazy but, uh, uh, uh,
languorous, but not idle.
- Dad!
- Coming! I'm coming.
- Can I come, too?
- Sorry, pal. Too dangerous.
Besides, we need you to
keep an eye on the firehouse.
Can you handle that?
I'll do my best.
Brave little bastard.
- [ENGINE STARTS]
- [SIREN WAILS]
All right, Dad, now,
things could get pretty hairy,
so just hang back, follow my lead.
Boston Fire Department!
MAN: Over here.
Hi. Sorry.
Uh, I lost my keys.
I really thought
I could make it through.
Damn my mother's hips.
It's all right, sir. Don't worry.
We'll get you out of here in no time.
Moose, get the power saw.
Whoa, power saw?
You're gonna cut me out?
Don't worry, sir. We're professionals.
All right? We'll get you through this.
Yeah, easy for you to say.
What happens if you
accidentally cut me in half?
Oh, no. I think I'm having
another one of my panic attacks.
Damn my mother's anxiety disorder.
Excuse me, sir.
Um, I'm not a firefighter,
but I am a Harvard-educated
psychiatrist.
Dad, please, just let us do our thing.
Are you Dr. Frasier Crane?
F-From the TV?
Guilty as charged.
I'm a huge fan.
I even bought your book,
A Crane Country Christmas.
- You got to be kidding me.
- You know,
it's always nice to meet
the front half of a fan.
So
we're gonna get you out of this.
[SIGHS] Finally,
- a professional.
- Ah.
I want you to take
some deep breaths with me.
And tell me what you're feeling.
Uh, sweaty palms.
Heart's racing.
I-I can't catch my breath.
You know, I think
I know what's happening.
You've never met a celebrity
of my caliber before. [CHUCKLES]
Oh, man. Hey, would you look at this
you're making me feel better already.
It is the magic that is me.
- [CHUCKLING]
- [SIGHS]
Hey, why are you here, anyway?
Well, I'm doing a ride-along
with my son, Freddy.
Oh.
Must be a real kick for you
to see your dad do his thing.
[SAW REVS]
Wow, this is so cool.
Thanks.
No, thank you.
You're a great junior firefighter.
And a life lesson
in overcoming obstacles.
Well, this has been the best day ever.
Can't wait to tell my mom all about it.
Your mom's around?
No, but I still talk to her.
She's an angel.
You keep it together, Smokey.
Everyone, dinner is served.
Whew, I'm starving.
I felt guilty about eating
in front of that orphan.
Mm.
Yes, now, before we begin,
nothing whets the appetite
like a soupçon of historical context.
The cassoulet is a humble
yet decadent dish
that dates back to 14th century France.
Though some say it's an adaptation
of a Middle Eastern ragout.
Okay, Dad, everyone's kind of hungry.
Right. Of course.
Oh, you know, but, first,
a toast.
I'd like to thank you for making
me a part of the team, Freddy.
I've really gotten great enjoyment
out of getting to know your fraternity.
- Fraternity?
- Mm.
Wait, this is like
some kind of frat house?
I don't mean to put words in his mouth,
but my guess is he meant "fraternity"
as in the French fraternité,
meaning brotherhood.
Yes, exactly, Tiny. The-the laughter,
the camaraderie, the fun.
This job is not all about having fun.
Except on Sunday Fundays
when we have hot fudge sundaes.
Why do you keep belittling
what we do here?
[STAMMERS] What is the matter with you?
FREDDY: I'm sorry.
I'm just frustrated. Okay?
I was hoping that by coming
down, spending a day here,
you may finally take my job seriously.
I do take your job seriously.
I think it's very noble,
what you all do.
Oh, so it's just me then?
'Cause you never ask me about my job.
You're always hinting
about other careers for me.
I just I don't get it.
Why do you have such a problem
with me being a firefighter?
I don't have a-a problem
with it, exactly.
- I-I think
- [ALARM RINGING]
DISPATCHER: Four-alarm fire.
904 Baker Street.
Commercial warehouse.
Hazardous materials.
Four-alarm?!
That's a lot, right?
Yeah, Dad. All right, this is
a big one, guys. Watch your six.
When will you be back?
I don't know. Just
You should go home.
- [ENGINE STARTS]
- [SIREN WAILING]
Oh.
What the hell.
Somebody might as well enjoy it.
Knock yourself out.
ALAN: Ah, Eve.
You probably thought this "all's
well that ends well" business
had all ended.
Well
Prepare to eat crow.
Because after we are done
with our presentation,
there will be no doubt
in your mind that Middleton
is the author of
the so-called Shakespeare quote.
Item one:
this passage in his Revenger's Tragedy,
which you will see the language
is startlingly similar.
I know I was startled.
And after I am done with
my third carousel of slides,
you will be convinced
If you leave right now, I'll give you
- a half-off coupon for your next drink.
- You have a deal.
It's honestly more than
I thought we would get.
NEWSMAN: Firefighters
were able to get employees out
before the roof caved in.
But it's still a very active scene,
and at least one person
has been taken to the hospital.
[CLICKS OFF]
You know, people
watch these things on TV.
They don't realize
what it's like to watch
someone you love
put their life on the line to
Oh, Eve, uh
that was insensitive of me.
- Your boyfriend
- No, it's fine.
I think about him all the time,
whether I'm reminded of him or not.
And that's good.
I love thinking about him.
Tell me, what was he like?
Well,
Adam
Yeah, we were Adam and Eve.
He was a huge Bruins fan.
He made a killer beer can chicken.
He thought that wearing cardigan
sweaters made him look smarter.
They did.
And he loved being a firefighter.
And I loved that he loved it.
And I hated that I was worried
about him all the time.
Wow.
What?
You just took me back to my childhood.
My father was a police officer.
And when he would work late,
my brother and I would
lie in bed, staring at the ceiling.
Wondering if we'd ever see him again.
To console ourselves, we'd
we'd take a big flashlight
and make a-a shadow puppet rendition
of Gilbert and Sullivan's The Mikado.
Of course, Niles was younger than I,
so I would let him play Nanki-Poo.
Aw. [CHUCKLES]
You were really weird kids, huh?
You have no idea.
[CHUCKLES]
And now, decades later,
I have a son who's
chosen the one job more dangerous
than being a police officer.
Is that why you don't like
him being a firefighter?
You know, he thinks it's
because you don't respect him.
No, of course I respect him.
I'm [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
I couldn't be
prouder of him.
Should have seen him taking
charge at the station today,
and
now I know he's out
risking his life to save other people.
It's
It's just
a lot easier to deal with
when I was living a thousand miles away.
Why don't you talk to Freddy about this?
I don't think that'd be fair.
He's got enough to worry about
with his job.
I don't want him
to have to worry about
my fears as well.
I get it.
But can I give you some advice?
Of course.
You know how
sometimes, in a movie,
monsters are scarier
when you can't see them?
Well, maybe if you talk
to Freddy about his job,
then you won't be so scared for him.
And he'll get the emotional
support that he needs.
Eve, you are a wise woman.
Mm.
Really?
Wow. [LAUGHS]
Look at me.
I'm giving psychology advice
to Dr. Frasier Crane.
Yes, you are.
Anything else I can help you with?
[DEEP VOICE]: I'm listening.
Very cute.
Hmm.
I do wonder if your relationship
issues with women
- stem from a lack of
- Let's not push it.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Dad?
It's almost 5:00 in the morning.
You been up all night?
No, no, no. I-I got up early.
Thought I'd get a head start on things.
Still wearing the same clothes?
Oh, so now you can
put two and two together.
I, uh
I made some of your famous chili.
I followed the recipe to the letter.
Though I'm not exactly sure
how much a "buttload" of ground beef is.
I took a stab.
Here, here, sit.
Let me-let me get you a beer.
So, how was it?
The fire.
Uh
you really want to know?
Yes, of course.
Okay.
Well, uh
When we get there, I
you know, I do a quick 360 and
size up the situation. And, uh
well, I notice that the
Uh, Dad?
[VOICE BREAKING]: Go on.
Dad, it's [SCOFFS]
It's okay. I'm fine. I survived.
No, it's the chili.
[SNIFFLES]
[GASPING]
My mouth is a portal
to the fiery pits of hell.
I didn't think it'd be so spicy.
Didn't the "crap-ton"
of jalapenos give you a clue?
- Out of the carton?
- Do you want it or not?
[GROANS]
[GROANS]
Well, it's
That's better. [GROANS SOFTLY]
Mmm.
Go on.
Oh. [CLEARS THROAT]
- [SNIFFLES]
- Okay, so, like I was saying,
the roof's about to go,
so we need the ladder truck
to get over the house, right?
So I get Tiny and then Smokey and
Oh, that reminds me uh,
they asked me
what David's favorite color is.
They want to buy him a bike.
Any idea what that's about?
Well, uh,
we knock the door in
and we're gonna, you know,
do a sweep for civilians, right?
Did you find any?
Not at first, but then
["TOSSED SALADS &
SCRAMBLED EGGS" PLAYING]
FRASIER: Y'all know how this goes.
Hey, baby,
I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
Yeah, maybe. But I got you pegged.
[CHUCKLES]
But I don't know what to do ♪
With those tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
Life's callin' again. ♪
Frasier is back.
Back in Boston.
Good night!