Free Agents (2011) s01e04 Episode Script
Rebranding
So, long story short: Obviously this is not making a company look pretty good.
Now, you're gonna fix yourself internally, I know that, but you also need new marketing, new media positioning, new everything, really.
And P.
R.
Like to call that rebranding.
You build a strategy, you raise your market value.
You create a brand-new perception.
Now, is that easy to do? No, I'm not gonna lie to you.
The good news is we have done it many times before - Hey, what is that? - What what? June Greer with Chemetex.
Before the meeting, she was asking Emma if Alex really got divorced.
And now She's totally giving him a look.
Right? What do you think that is? It's lust.
She wants his stuff.
Our boy's back in the game! I mean, that is lust, right? Okay.
What is that look going on with June greer? - Dan thinks it might be lust.
- No, no, that's not lust.
That's the wrong angle.
I have no idea what that is.
Could be she's having a stroke.
Oh, you guys, here she comes.
These are the fall projections for the Business that we're doing But her eyebrows, they're doing this weird up thing.
Like, "I'm frightened by my desire.
" That's a chick thing, right? It's more like a guy thing to think that's a chick thing.
Maybe she just had some bad yogurt downstairs? Does anyone know June? Maybe she's just dumb, and that's how she looks.
No.
Look.
Yes.
It is attraction.
Going inTouching.
Hug, hug, hug! Yes! Wait--no.
Her hands are going way to high.
What is that? - It's not attraction-based.
- Oh, God, back pats.
- It was pity! No wonder I didn't recognize it.
What? Hey.
[Bluesy rock.]
Isn't that adorable? Almost makes me want to be married again.
Yeah.
I've seen the ad, Stephen.
Yes, but I want to make sure you understand the problem, Fred.
If it wasn't for that, you wouldn't have such a big problem with this.
One slip in 20 years of marriage, and our stock's down 2%.
Well, next time nail something hotter, and your stock might go up.
So we need to move quickly.
First we're gonna put out a press release painting you as a victim of a sex addiction, then we're gonna check you into a clinic.
Clinic? I'm not a sex addict.
Just for appearances.
'Cause if it's addiction, then what happened in the pantry--it's not your fault.
After the first news cycle dies, we're gonna stage a press conference where you're gonna read a very carefully worded statement written by gregg here.
Who, as an aside, loves your curly fries.
And with your trusty wife by your side, you will announce that you're putting the incident behind you and moving on.
In crisis management of a sexual incident, having the wrong spouse on the podium is crucial.
But my wife wants my ghoulies on a griddle, I hear you say.
Relax.
Helen here is our pin-up problem solver.
She will meet with wifey, and bish-bosh--problem solved.
So without beds, my kids had to do sleeping bags, which I tried to make fun by pretending we were in a post-apocalyptic scenario.
Which pretty much sums up my entire situation.
What are you doing? You working on that Potters thing? Was.
I am now setting you up on an online dating site.
- What? - How far did you get? Oh, just basic stats.
Flesh it out.
I'll proof it when I get back.
This is a joke, right? No, Alex, it's a plan.
You need to rebrand.
And from a p.
R.
Perspective, this is perfect.
This is total control over every aspect of your product image.
It's like your pitch to chemetex-- rebrand, rebuild, move on with confidence.
Chemetex leaked a gas that turned otters bald.
People despise them.
Well, people pity you.
So emotionally, you're leaking a gas that turns otters bald.
Alex, how much on the outside do you think you can squat? What does that mean? I'm gonna say 400 pounds.
What are you, about 6'2", 6'3"? - No.
- Okay, do you want not smiling, or smiling, but a simpleton? Oof.
What would you go out with? There's a gun to my head, I'm assuming.
I would go with The gun and dying.
Not smiling.
He should look serous.
I need a book and a couple of interests.
Oh, okay, favorite book Some Hemingway kind of thing.
And interests-- should be masculine.
- Bow hunting.
- What's bow hunting? It's where you hunt using a bow and arrow.
It's fricking awesome.
No, that is way too masculine.
It should be like exotic cuisine and snorkeling.
I took riflery at camp.
Put sharpshooter.
UmWhy are you doing this? Uh, because ever since June greer gave you a pity hug, everyone calls you "back Patty.
" Great.
Well, you know, I am dealing with some rather serious issues.
I just went through a pretty rough divorce.
See? Blah, blah, blah.
"My feelings.
" It's all you ever talk about.
What are we, teen girls? You need to move on.
You need to get back in the game.
You need to win.
Um, I have a win.
I have two wins.
Oh, brother.
And you know, if this is so great, why aren't you doing it, huh? I'm not the only single adult around here with baggage.
I don't have baggage.
Darling, your fiance died.
You're like a coach outlet exploded.
Just because you never talk about it doesn't mean-- - will you do it if I do it? - Or we could just cut out the middleman, and you and I could just-- - then it's a deal.
We each go on one date.
Let's get out there, see what happens.
One little step forward.
[Scoffs.]
Mrs.
Potter, thank you for your time.
Dorothy.
Please.
I'm not here to say that this isn't a painful time for you emotionally.
I'm sure that it is.
How painful? I don't know.
I'm not you.
Neither of us is.
But let's just put emotion aside and just look at the facts and consider why you being with your husband at this press conference is a great idea.
One--you are a majority shareholder in a business that is losing value every day that the scandal drags on.
- Uh, where is everybody? - Chemetex meeting got pushed, so we're picking your online woman.
Oh, I was gonna look at that stuff tonight.
Wendykins.
Likes farmer's markets, pot-bellied pigs.
Cute.
Loves to laugh.
- Translation: Weird-looking.
Loves to complain.
First rule-- discard all photos that don't show the body.
Neck up means they're fat.
Body looks okay, but the photo's old-- they're fat.
Weird pose? Fat.
It's really all about the personal information.
You want a long list of interests, hobbies, passions.
That indicates a woman who never leaves her unicorn-themed bedroom.
You want a photo and two interests--tops.
So I'm looking for a woman with a recent photo of her entire body who is devoid of qualities.
Yes.
So I picked the date.
Alan52.
- See? This is good.
- Thanks.
Full body.
Taken at a recent game.
Decent-looking but not too handsome.
Flies gliders.
I can't see any pitfalls.
Nice work.
Now get your hands off me.
Found some for you, too, Alex.
On the Fisherman's widows site? No, no, these are good.
This one! Right? Dawn27.
Are you excited? No.
First date's all about packaging.
One word--peacocking.
You want bold elements that draw in the eye and starts a conversation.
Watch.
Emma.
What do you think of this tie? It's ridiculous.
But you noticed it.
Because you asked me about it specifically.
And now we're talking about it.
- No, you're talking about it.
- Technically, if both of us are talking, then we're having a conversation.
Then I'll just leave.
Peacocking.
Anyway, I have one more word.
It's also a question.
Body wash? What? What body wash are you gonna use? - Do you mean like soap? - No.
Like body wash.
It's not the same thing.
Body wash is the foundation of your entire package.
I use alpine rush.
But, you know, there are others.
I use that.
Yeah.
It's like purple with a river.
It's blue with a Mountain and lightning.
Purple? Like for women? Well, dark purple.
I mean, black even.
With flowing water.
The classic symbol of femininity.
It's rapids.
Roaring rapids.
You've used purple body wash, right? I use soap, Greg.
It's white.
Do you know about peacocking? Isn't it exciting? You're on a date.
Oh, it's extraordinary.
New Alex.
How's he doing? He's waiting at a ridiculous restaurant with what appears to be some clown magic popping out of his pocket as flair.
How are you? A-aren't you on your date? Yeah.
He's peeing.
Again.
He's quite a pee-er.
- Oh, I think-- ah, she's here.
I gotta go.
Just 'cause I know you'll ask, she's--wow.
She's really pretty.
Remember, rebranding.
New Alex.
No mess.
Okay.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Another round? - Why not? You can't get past the hand thing.
This always happens.
No, it's fine.
I'm just doing this to encourage a friend anyway, so Oh.
Then I'll just tell you.
I lost my bladder in the same glider accident.
Now I have a monkey bladder.
Oh.
Those are small.
The snake paste is just for smell.
Don't eat it.
It's poison.
I gotta say For somebody who just got a divorce, you are really pretty together.
- I am, actually.
I-I'm doing great.
I mean, you know, as such things go, which is obviously not so great.
But, uh, really, I, you know, I feel great.
Great.
I usually don't like to talk about it.
I don't even really think about it that much anymore.
I've pretty much moved on.
In fact, that's the last sentence I'm gonna mention.
My divorce.
Well, that was the last sentence.
I'm recently divorced.
Oh, really? WellYou seem like you're doing great.
As such things go.
[Laughs.]
You know, I was worried this was gonna be a little weird and awkward, you know, but I think we're doing quite well.
I love this place.
Best deer ankles in the city.
[Sobbing.]
Um, are you okay? No.
I'm not.
I'm sure the deer didn't suffer greatly.
There was actually a fairly long spell of crying at the restaurant, and then that finally ended, and then we took a walk in this little park and, uh, we talked about the crying.
[Laughing.]
My God, that sounds awful.
So guess how many parts my guy was missing.
Hint: One is too few.
Actually, it was pretty great.
What? How? 'Cause we genuinely connected, you know? We just dropped all the pretense and we were messy and real and, you knowHuman.
Oh, yuck.
Tell me you didn't cry.
We both did.
But in this totally great way.
- Alex, there is no great way to-- you're supposed to be rebranding--this is new Alex.
[Squeak.]
Oops.
Okay, I gotta go.
Okay.
We're just gonna call this a great practice run, and I'm gonna send you a new profile link, okay? Then we'll discuss.
- No, don't-- - soThe flair.
Did it work? No.
No.
She thought it was ridiculous.
So you talked about it.
We talked about you.
She said that you sound like you have self-esteem issues and that you probably need therapy.
So it did work.
Like a charm.
Okay.
Select press is gonna be covering your entrance to the clinic.
You just need to look contrite, ready to move on.
Stephen and gregg are gonna handle the press.
You gotta lose the jacket and the tie.
This is a moment of penance.
You wanna read as vulnerable.
We already did your patient forms.
- I filled them out myself.
- Cheer up, Fred.
I once booked myself into a sex addiction clinic in gstaad for a vacation.
Let's just say when I left I needed a vacation.
Wait.
I've never had sex with any kind of animal or object.
I just wanted to make it seem like you had it real bad.
And I cheated twice.
Not 3,000 times.
- Oh.
I thought you said once.
- Car's here.
Helen.
Tim dymund's on line three.
Ah! Thank you.
Your wife's lawyers.
It's all working out.
Okay, good luck.
That's my little star fruit.
I hope you packed ample supplies of emollient.
With all those nymphos in one place, there's a serious risk of chafing.
Tim, hi.
How is everything? Good, good.
I just got a response from Mrs.
Potter about your proposal excellent.
What'd she think? Basically, Mrs.
Potter said her husband can-- kind of an anatomical impossibility.
But it involves him hanging himself from WellI'm trying to think of a good rhyme word.
- Okay, I, uh-- - maybe "totem"? No, I got it like forever ago.
Tim, I need you to get me another chance.
Let me just sit down with her again.
I can convince her.
MaybeIf you Go out with me? Drinks, Friday? Coffee is a drink, and I am available the third Friday in June, 2012.
Deal.
I'll see what I can do.
[Phone beeps off.]
[Sighs.]
Are you still working on that Potters thing? Yeah.
Uh, just a little trickier than I thought.
You headed home? No, I'm headed out.
I'm meeting dawn at the park.
Wait.
What?! I'm going out with dawn.
You know, the online girl? Yeah, dawn27.
Again? Because the plan was that-- - I know what your plan was.
But what can I say? I like her.
I'd like to see her again.
Have a good night.
Don't work too hard.
Then I'm like, my life is supposed to be this.
And now it's this? I don't even know what "this" is.
And if this is this, then who the hell am I? And why am I crying in the middle of the cereal aisle? Exactly.
And can I tell you something? A man crying-- people do not like that.
Mm-mm.
I've seen the market research.
Oh, what's wrong with a man crying? It's totally gay is what.
I can say that because I'm gay.
Gay, and a complete jerk.
Move on, Troy.
It's not like you'll never get another chance to swicked.
Well, my husband never cries.
I cried when David died.
That dumb bird? Some people feel threatened when other people express emotions, because they're afraid to confront their own.
Exactly.
Thank you.
[Cell phone rings.]
I have a friend at work who is like the poster child for that.
Oh, here she is.
Excuse me one second.
You know, you never understood my relationship with David.
Oh, please.
Hey, guess what we're talking about? Men crying.
Okay, yes.
That is just as I thought.
Alex, are you sure about this? About what? - You want to put yourself back out there--great.
But you sure you want to fling yourself into a relationship immediately with this brooding dawn-type? Helen, you don't even know her.
I am looking at her profile right now.
Do you know what her favorite book is? The lovely bones.
Joni Mitchell-- all over this thing.
Oh, one of her special interests-- candles.
Just simply candles.
What does that even mean? My profile says I can squat 400 pounds.
Just, from what I can deduce from this, she is just a demented vampire woman who feeds off of emotional torment.
And I just don't think that's what you need right now.
All right, you know what I need? To hang up.
Which I'm doing right now.
Have a good night.
[Phone beeps off.]
[Sighs.]
Okay, I got you a chocolate one.
on .
The snake paste is just for smell.
Don't eat it.
It's poison.
I gotta say For somebody who just got a divorce, you are really pretty together.
- I am, actually.
I-I'm doing great.
I mean, you know, as such things go, which is obviously not so great.
But, uh, really, I, you know, I feel great.
Great.
I usually don't like to talk about it.
I don't even really think about it that much anymore.
I've pretty much moved on.
In fact, that's the last sentence I'm gonna mention.
My divorce.
Well, that was the last sentence.
I'm recently divorced.
Oh, really? WellYou seem like you're doing great.
As such things go.
[Laughs.]
You know, I was worried this was gonna be a little weird and awkward, you know, but I think we're doing quite well.
I love this place.
Best deer ankles in the city.
[Sobbing.]
Um, are you okay? No.
I'm not.
I'm sure the deer didn't suffer greatly.
There was actually a fairly long spell of crying at the restaurant, and then that finally ended, and then we took a walk in this little park and, uh, we talked about the crying.
[Laughing.]
My God, that sounds awful.
So guess how many parts my guy was missing.
Hint: One is too few.
Actually, it was pretty great.
What? How? 'Cause we genuinely connected, you know? We just dropped all the pretense and we were messy and real and, you knowHuman.
Oh, yuck.
Tell me you didn't cry.
We both did.
But in this totally great way.
- Alex, there is no great way to-- you're supposed to be rebranding--this is new Alex.
[Squeak.]
Oops.
Okay, I gotta go.
Okay.
We're just gonna call this a great practice run, and I'm gonna send you a new profile link, okay? Then we'll discuss.
- No, don't-- - soThe flair.
Did it work? No.
No.
She thought it was ridiculous.
So you talked about it.
We talked about you.
She said that you sound like you have self-esteem issues and that you probably need therapy.
So it did work.
Like a charm.
Okay.
Select press is gonna be covering your entrance to the clinic.
You just need to look contrite, ready to move on.
Stephen and gregg are gonna handle the press.
You gotta lose the jacket and the tie.
This is a moment of penance.
You wanna read as vulnerable.
We already did your patient forms.
- I filled them out myself.
- Cheer up, Fred.
I once booked myself into a sex addiction clinic in gstaad for a vacation.
Let's just say when I left I needed a vacation.
Wait.
I've never had sex with any kind of animal or object.
I just wanted to make it seem like you had it real bad.
And I cheated twice.
Not 3,000 times.
- Oh.
I thought you said once.
- Car's here.
Helen.
Tim dymund's on line three.
Ah! Thank you.
Your wife's lawyers.
It's all working out.
Okay, good luck.
That's my little star fruit.
I hope you packed ample supplies of emollient.
With all those nymphos in one place, there's a serious risk of chafing.
Tim, hi.
How is everything? Good, good.
I just got a response from Mrs.
Potter about your proposal excellent.
What'd she think? Basically, Mrs.
Potter said her husband can-- kind of an anatomical impossibility.
But it involves him hanging himself from WellI'm trying to think of a good rhyme word.
- Okay, I, uh-- - maybe "totem"? No, I got it like forever ago.
Tim, I need you to get me another chance.
Let me just sit down with her again.
I can convince her.
MaybeIf you Go out with me? Drinks, Friday? Coffee is a drink, and I am available the third Friday in June, 2012.
Deal.
I'll see what I can do.
[Phone beeps off.]
[Sighs.]
Are you still working on that Potters thing? Yeah.
Uh, just a little trickier than I thought.
You headed home? No, I'm headed out.
I'm meeting dawn at the park.
Wait.
What?! I'm going out with dawn.
You know, the online girl? Yeah, dawn27.
Again? Because the plan was that-- - I know what your plan was.
But what can I say? I like her.
I'd like to see her again.
Have a good night.
Don't work too hard.
Then I'm like, my life is supposed to be this.
And now it's this? I don't even know what "this" is.
And if this is this, then who the hell am I? And why am I crying in the middle of the cereal aisle? Exactly.
And can I tell you something? A man crying-- people do not like that.
Mm-mm.
I've seen the market research.
Oh, what's wrong with a man crying? It's totally gay is what.
I can say that because I'm gay.
Gay, and a complete jerk.
Move on, Troy.
It's not like you'll never get another chance to swicked.
Well, my husband never cries.
I cried when David died.
That dumb bird? Some people feel threatened when other people express emotions, because they're afraid to confront their own.
Exactly.
Thank you.
[Cell phone rings.]
I have a friend at work who is like the poster child for that.
Oh, here she is.
Excuse me one second.
You know, you never understood my relationship with David.
Oh, please.
Hey, guess what we're talking about? Men crying.
Okay, yes.
That is just as I thought.
Alex, are you sure about this? About what? - You want to put yourself back out there--great.
But you sure you want to fling yourself into a relationship immediately with this brooding dawn-type? Helen, you don't even know her.
I am looking at her profile right now.
Do you know what her favorite book is? The lovely bones.
Joni Mitchell-- all over this thing.
Oh, one of her special interests-- candles.
Just simply candles.
What does that even mean? My profile says I can squat 400 pounds.
Just, from what I can deduce from this, she is just a demented vampire woman who feeds off of emotional torment.
And I just don't think that's what you need right now.
All right, you know what I need? To hang up.
Which I'm doing right now.
Have a good night.
[Phone beeps off.]
[Sighs.]
Okay, I got you a chocolate one.
Hey.
Ready for party? Yeah, um Is everything okay? Yeah.
Just Trying to deal with this Mrs.
Potter situation.
Yeah, it's a tough one.
Yeah, she just seems like she's locked in this really angry place.
- Uh, my wife told me this-- sometimes when you're talking to someone in an emotional place, we often make the mistake of thinking we need to solve their problems instead of just listening and being supportive.
- So w-with Mrs.
Potter-- do you think I should just be more sympathetic and emotional? Well, I don't want to tell you what to do.
- Why? - Because I know that's a trap.
Gregg, please.
I'm in a situation here.
And I know it must be very hard for you.
Look, Helen, everything in this makes logical sense.
It's just that I remember our honeymoon like it was yesterday.
And then this.
I understand.
But the proposal does make sense, right? If you put the emotions aside-- - well, it is hard to move on.
Betrayal like that from someone you trust.
I mean, you have a partner-- - oh, I understand.
I was engaged.
But logically, if you take a look at your-- - was? - Mm-hmm.
- Didn't work out? Uh, no.
But I mean, not like this.
Uh, with us, it just didn't work out on a larger scale.
[Slurps.]
Like life-wise.
In that he didn't, uh, live.
But we are talking about you.
Oh, no, Helen.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, no, it's fine.
I'm fine.
We had issues.
And we never had a chance to fix them.
Because, um-- - I understand.
- No, no.
I'm-- I'm just talking about this to illustrate a point in your situation, which is how you-- - it must have been very painful.
No, it's fine.
[Sobs, sniffles.]
[Sobbing.]
If you just want to look really quickly-- would you mind taking another look really fast at page two? [Sobbing.]
I think you'll find it interesting.
This has been a hard time for me and Dorothy, and I want to thank everyone for your support and for continuing to support family values.
Helen, my old chuff, I don't know how you did this, but good eggs.
God! If-- if I had your skill talking women into things Well, I'd be dead from exhaustion.
Probably for the best.
- Probably.
- Oh, right.
So, how'd it go last night? Let me guess.
You guys talked about feelings.
You cried, she cried.
You talked about crying.
We talked about normal human reactions to emotional trauma.
We were open and honest with each other.
Sheesh.
If that's what a date with dawn sounds like, I can see the appeal.
I'm sorry.
Are you jealous? - No, I'm not-- hey.
Eyes front, hack.
No, I'm not jealous.
It's just We used to talk.
Well, you don't wanna talk about any of the things I want to talk about.
That's because you want to talk about the wrong things.
So I'm just trying to fix you-- - well, God, I don't want to be fixed.
You ever think of that? Well, there's your problem.
You know what your problem is? You see everything like work, like it's a problem that has to be fixed.
Maybe you should fix that.
There's nothing to be fixed, because that's not a problem I see.
So you're perfect.
Yeah, maybe.
Maybe that's your problem, 'cause you don't know how to deal with that.
And the fact that you're totally closed off and unsympathetic, that's just fine.
Unsympathetic? I slept with you! Twice! Shh! Hey, guy, seriously.
On the statement! - You both sound like my ex-wife.
There.
You happy now? If I'm so closed off, why did I spend all night last night talking with Mrs.
Potter about my dead fiance, bawling my eyes out? Probably to fix this problem here, I'm guessing.
Nice work, by the way.
God, this guy is such a dog.
I never thought you'd get her up there.
Well [Cameras clicking.]
- Did-- did he just wink at you? - No, I think he just-- - and it's just like sometimes I literally think I can't get past it.
- Yeah.
- Like I'm stepping off into this void.
Like an uncharted void.
Well, technically, all voids are uncharted.
Be nothing to chart, but, um Yeah, I don't think of it as so much as a void as more like kind of like a new frontier, you know, it-- you all right? I'm sorry.
Just this bench reminds me of the one that my ex-husband proposed on.
- Oh.
Oh, I know.
I-I know that feeling.
I proposed in a forest, and I'm still very conflicted about trees.
[Chuckles.]
Where'd he propose? On that bench right there.
- That bench right there? - Mm-hmm.
No wonder this bench reminds you of that bench.
Well At least we're on this bench.
He asked me for a divorce on this bench.
On this bench.
Shouldn't we move on, then, to another bench with less emotional affiliation for you? This whole park has so many memories.
We came here all the time.
To this park.
We lived right across the street.
Really? How long ago did you guys split up? Oh, just like three years ago.
And yet you keep coming back to this park.
I keep trying other parks.
But It's like stepping off into an uncharted both: Void.
Right.
- Yeah.
- Right.
[Phone rings.]
Hey.
- Hey.
Uh-- you home? Is it okay to call? Yeah.
I'm still working on chemetex.
How you doing? You okay? Yeah.
I'm just sitting here thinking about what you said earlier, how I close myself off to emotional responses, and I-- - you're not gonna talk feelings, are you? Well, that's why I called you.
Yeah.
'Cause I don't wanna talk about feelings.
Right.
'Cause you have dawn.
No.
Because I've moved on from dawn, and as a result, I don't ever wanna talk about feelings again.
Oh.
So So You wanna come over and Not talk about feelings? Okay.
UmSay 15 minutes? Oh, I can do it in 7.
That's the spirit.
Okay, remember, when we see each other at the office, we have to act like we haven't seen each other since yesterday.
- It's not my first rodeo.
- What are you doing? If we leave at the same time, we're gonna arrive at the same time, and then people will guess.
We don't have to get to the office at the same time.
I can just sit in my car in the garage for a while.
Then the garage guy's gonna know when he sees us drive in together.
So what? He's a garage guy.
Yeah, well, the garage guy is gonna talk to the other garage guy who's gonna talk to the security guys, and they talk to everybody.
Well, I guess I could just hang out here for a while.
You stay in my apartment by yourself? No.
That's way too much, way too fast.
Well, how about I just go stand out on a street corner for like 11 minutes? Oh, would you mind? Thank you! Come on!
Now, you're gonna fix yourself internally, I know that, but you also need new marketing, new media positioning, new everything, really.
And P.
R.
Like to call that rebranding.
You build a strategy, you raise your market value.
You create a brand-new perception.
Now, is that easy to do? No, I'm not gonna lie to you.
The good news is we have done it many times before - Hey, what is that? - What what? June Greer with Chemetex.
Before the meeting, she was asking Emma if Alex really got divorced.
And now She's totally giving him a look.
Right? What do you think that is? It's lust.
She wants his stuff.
Our boy's back in the game! I mean, that is lust, right? Okay.
What is that look going on with June greer? - Dan thinks it might be lust.
- No, no, that's not lust.
That's the wrong angle.
I have no idea what that is.
Could be she's having a stroke.
Oh, you guys, here she comes.
These are the fall projections for the Business that we're doing But her eyebrows, they're doing this weird up thing.
Like, "I'm frightened by my desire.
" That's a chick thing, right? It's more like a guy thing to think that's a chick thing.
Maybe she just had some bad yogurt downstairs? Does anyone know June? Maybe she's just dumb, and that's how she looks.
No.
Look.
Yes.
It is attraction.
Going inTouching.
Hug, hug, hug! Yes! Wait--no.
Her hands are going way to high.
What is that? - It's not attraction-based.
- Oh, God, back pats.
- It was pity! No wonder I didn't recognize it.
What? Hey.
[Bluesy rock.]
Isn't that adorable? Almost makes me want to be married again.
Yeah.
I've seen the ad, Stephen.
Yes, but I want to make sure you understand the problem, Fred.
If it wasn't for that, you wouldn't have such a big problem with this.
One slip in 20 years of marriage, and our stock's down 2%.
Well, next time nail something hotter, and your stock might go up.
So we need to move quickly.
First we're gonna put out a press release painting you as a victim of a sex addiction, then we're gonna check you into a clinic.
Clinic? I'm not a sex addict.
Just for appearances.
'Cause if it's addiction, then what happened in the pantry--it's not your fault.
After the first news cycle dies, we're gonna stage a press conference where you're gonna read a very carefully worded statement written by gregg here.
Who, as an aside, loves your curly fries.
And with your trusty wife by your side, you will announce that you're putting the incident behind you and moving on.
In crisis management of a sexual incident, having the wrong spouse on the podium is crucial.
But my wife wants my ghoulies on a griddle, I hear you say.
Relax.
Helen here is our pin-up problem solver.
She will meet with wifey, and bish-bosh--problem solved.
So without beds, my kids had to do sleeping bags, which I tried to make fun by pretending we were in a post-apocalyptic scenario.
Which pretty much sums up my entire situation.
What are you doing? You working on that Potters thing? Was.
I am now setting you up on an online dating site.
- What? - How far did you get? Oh, just basic stats.
Flesh it out.
I'll proof it when I get back.
This is a joke, right? No, Alex, it's a plan.
You need to rebrand.
And from a p.
R.
Perspective, this is perfect.
This is total control over every aspect of your product image.
It's like your pitch to chemetex-- rebrand, rebuild, move on with confidence.
Chemetex leaked a gas that turned otters bald.
People despise them.
Well, people pity you.
So emotionally, you're leaking a gas that turns otters bald.
Alex, how much on the outside do you think you can squat? What does that mean? I'm gonna say 400 pounds.
What are you, about 6'2", 6'3"? - No.
- Okay, do you want not smiling, or smiling, but a simpleton? Oof.
What would you go out with? There's a gun to my head, I'm assuming.
I would go with The gun and dying.
Not smiling.
He should look serous.
I need a book and a couple of interests.
Oh, okay, favorite book Some Hemingway kind of thing.
And interests-- should be masculine.
- Bow hunting.
- What's bow hunting? It's where you hunt using a bow and arrow.
It's fricking awesome.
No, that is way too masculine.
It should be like exotic cuisine and snorkeling.
I took riflery at camp.
Put sharpshooter.
UmWhy are you doing this? Uh, because ever since June greer gave you a pity hug, everyone calls you "back Patty.
" Great.
Well, you know, I am dealing with some rather serious issues.
I just went through a pretty rough divorce.
See? Blah, blah, blah.
"My feelings.
" It's all you ever talk about.
What are we, teen girls? You need to move on.
You need to get back in the game.
You need to win.
Um, I have a win.
I have two wins.
Oh, brother.
And you know, if this is so great, why aren't you doing it, huh? I'm not the only single adult around here with baggage.
I don't have baggage.
Darling, your fiance died.
You're like a coach outlet exploded.
Just because you never talk about it doesn't mean-- - will you do it if I do it? - Or we could just cut out the middleman, and you and I could just-- - then it's a deal.
We each go on one date.
Let's get out there, see what happens.
One little step forward.
[Scoffs.]
Mrs.
Potter, thank you for your time.
Dorothy.
Please.
I'm not here to say that this isn't a painful time for you emotionally.
I'm sure that it is.
How painful? I don't know.
I'm not you.
Neither of us is.
But let's just put emotion aside and just look at the facts and consider why you being with your husband at this press conference is a great idea.
One--you are a majority shareholder in a business that is losing value every day that the scandal drags on.
- Uh, where is everybody? - Chemetex meeting got pushed, so we're picking your online woman.
Oh, I was gonna look at that stuff tonight.
Wendykins.
Likes farmer's markets, pot-bellied pigs.
Cute.
Loves to laugh.
- Translation: Weird-looking.
Loves to complain.
First rule-- discard all photos that don't show the body.
Neck up means they're fat.
Body looks okay, but the photo's old-- they're fat.
Weird pose? Fat.
It's really all about the personal information.
You want a long list of interests, hobbies, passions.
That indicates a woman who never leaves her unicorn-themed bedroom.
You want a photo and two interests--tops.
So I'm looking for a woman with a recent photo of her entire body who is devoid of qualities.
Yes.
So I picked the date.
Alan52.
- See? This is good.
- Thanks.
Full body.
Taken at a recent game.
Decent-looking but not too handsome.
Flies gliders.
I can't see any pitfalls.
Nice work.
Now get your hands off me.
Found some for you, too, Alex.
On the Fisherman's widows site? No, no, these are good.
This one! Right? Dawn27.
Are you excited? No.
First date's all about packaging.
One word--peacocking.
You want bold elements that draw in the eye and starts a conversation.
Watch.
Emma.
What do you think of this tie? It's ridiculous.
But you noticed it.
Because you asked me about it specifically.
And now we're talking about it.
- No, you're talking about it.
- Technically, if both of us are talking, then we're having a conversation.
Then I'll just leave.
Peacocking.
Anyway, I have one more word.
It's also a question.
Body wash? What? What body wash are you gonna use? - Do you mean like soap? - No.
Like body wash.
It's not the same thing.
Body wash is the foundation of your entire package.
I use alpine rush.
But, you know, there are others.
I use that.
Yeah.
It's like purple with a river.
It's blue with a Mountain and lightning.
Purple? Like for women? Well, dark purple.
I mean, black even.
With flowing water.
The classic symbol of femininity.
It's rapids.
Roaring rapids.
You've used purple body wash, right? I use soap, Greg.
It's white.
Do you know about peacocking? Isn't it exciting? You're on a date.
Oh, it's extraordinary.
New Alex.
How's he doing? He's waiting at a ridiculous restaurant with what appears to be some clown magic popping out of his pocket as flair.
How are you? A-aren't you on your date? Yeah.
He's peeing.
Again.
He's quite a pee-er.
- Oh, I think-- ah, she's here.
I gotta go.
Just 'cause I know you'll ask, she's--wow.
She's really pretty.
Remember, rebranding.
New Alex.
No mess.
Okay.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Another round? - Why not? You can't get past the hand thing.
This always happens.
No, it's fine.
I'm just doing this to encourage a friend anyway, so Oh.
Then I'll just tell you.
I lost my bladder in the same glider accident.
Now I have a monkey bladder.
Oh.
Those are small.
The snake paste is just for smell.
Don't eat it.
It's poison.
I gotta say For somebody who just got a divorce, you are really pretty together.
- I am, actually.
I-I'm doing great.
I mean, you know, as such things go, which is obviously not so great.
But, uh, really, I, you know, I feel great.
Great.
I usually don't like to talk about it.
I don't even really think about it that much anymore.
I've pretty much moved on.
In fact, that's the last sentence I'm gonna mention.
My divorce.
Well, that was the last sentence.
I'm recently divorced.
Oh, really? WellYou seem like you're doing great.
As such things go.
[Laughs.]
You know, I was worried this was gonna be a little weird and awkward, you know, but I think we're doing quite well.
I love this place.
Best deer ankles in the city.
[Sobbing.]
Um, are you okay? No.
I'm not.
I'm sure the deer didn't suffer greatly.
There was actually a fairly long spell of crying at the restaurant, and then that finally ended, and then we took a walk in this little park and, uh, we talked about the crying.
[Laughing.]
My God, that sounds awful.
So guess how many parts my guy was missing.
Hint: One is too few.
Actually, it was pretty great.
What? How? 'Cause we genuinely connected, you know? We just dropped all the pretense and we were messy and real and, you knowHuman.
Oh, yuck.
Tell me you didn't cry.
We both did.
But in this totally great way.
- Alex, there is no great way to-- you're supposed to be rebranding--this is new Alex.
[Squeak.]
Oops.
Okay, I gotta go.
Okay.
We're just gonna call this a great practice run, and I'm gonna send you a new profile link, okay? Then we'll discuss.
- No, don't-- - soThe flair.
Did it work? No.
No.
She thought it was ridiculous.
So you talked about it.
We talked about you.
She said that you sound like you have self-esteem issues and that you probably need therapy.
So it did work.
Like a charm.
Okay.
Select press is gonna be covering your entrance to the clinic.
You just need to look contrite, ready to move on.
Stephen and gregg are gonna handle the press.
You gotta lose the jacket and the tie.
This is a moment of penance.
You wanna read as vulnerable.
We already did your patient forms.
- I filled them out myself.
- Cheer up, Fred.
I once booked myself into a sex addiction clinic in gstaad for a vacation.
Let's just say when I left I needed a vacation.
Wait.
I've never had sex with any kind of animal or object.
I just wanted to make it seem like you had it real bad.
And I cheated twice.
Not 3,000 times.
- Oh.
I thought you said once.
- Car's here.
Helen.
Tim dymund's on line three.
Ah! Thank you.
Your wife's lawyers.
It's all working out.
Okay, good luck.
That's my little star fruit.
I hope you packed ample supplies of emollient.
With all those nymphos in one place, there's a serious risk of chafing.
Tim, hi.
How is everything? Good, good.
I just got a response from Mrs.
Potter about your proposal excellent.
What'd she think? Basically, Mrs.
Potter said her husband can-- kind of an anatomical impossibility.
But it involves him hanging himself from WellI'm trying to think of a good rhyme word.
- Okay, I, uh-- - maybe "totem"? No, I got it like forever ago.
Tim, I need you to get me another chance.
Let me just sit down with her again.
I can convince her.
MaybeIf you Go out with me? Drinks, Friday? Coffee is a drink, and I am available the third Friday in June, 2012.
Deal.
I'll see what I can do.
[Phone beeps off.]
[Sighs.]
Are you still working on that Potters thing? Yeah.
Uh, just a little trickier than I thought.
You headed home? No, I'm headed out.
I'm meeting dawn at the park.
Wait.
What?! I'm going out with dawn.
You know, the online girl? Yeah, dawn27.
Again? Because the plan was that-- - I know what your plan was.
But what can I say? I like her.
I'd like to see her again.
Have a good night.
Don't work too hard.
Then I'm like, my life is supposed to be this.
And now it's this? I don't even know what "this" is.
And if this is this, then who the hell am I? And why am I crying in the middle of the cereal aisle? Exactly.
And can I tell you something? A man crying-- people do not like that.
Mm-mm.
I've seen the market research.
Oh, what's wrong with a man crying? It's totally gay is what.
I can say that because I'm gay.
Gay, and a complete jerk.
Move on, Troy.
It's not like you'll never get another chance to swicked.
Well, my husband never cries.
I cried when David died.
That dumb bird? Some people feel threatened when other people express emotions, because they're afraid to confront their own.
Exactly.
Thank you.
[Cell phone rings.]
I have a friend at work who is like the poster child for that.
Oh, here she is.
Excuse me one second.
You know, you never understood my relationship with David.
Oh, please.
Hey, guess what we're talking about? Men crying.
Okay, yes.
That is just as I thought.
Alex, are you sure about this? About what? - You want to put yourself back out there--great.
But you sure you want to fling yourself into a relationship immediately with this brooding dawn-type? Helen, you don't even know her.
I am looking at her profile right now.
Do you know what her favorite book is? The lovely bones.
Joni Mitchell-- all over this thing.
Oh, one of her special interests-- candles.
Just simply candles.
What does that even mean? My profile says I can squat 400 pounds.
Just, from what I can deduce from this, she is just a demented vampire woman who feeds off of emotional torment.
And I just don't think that's what you need right now.
All right, you know what I need? To hang up.
Which I'm doing right now.
Have a good night.
[Phone beeps off.]
[Sighs.]
Okay, I got you a chocolate one.
on .
The snake paste is just for smell.
Don't eat it.
It's poison.
I gotta say For somebody who just got a divorce, you are really pretty together.
- I am, actually.
I-I'm doing great.
I mean, you know, as such things go, which is obviously not so great.
But, uh, really, I, you know, I feel great.
Great.
I usually don't like to talk about it.
I don't even really think about it that much anymore.
I've pretty much moved on.
In fact, that's the last sentence I'm gonna mention.
My divorce.
Well, that was the last sentence.
I'm recently divorced.
Oh, really? WellYou seem like you're doing great.
As such things go.
[Laughs.]
You know, I was worried this was gonna be a little weird and awkward, you know, but I think we're doing quite well.
I love this place.
Best deer ankles in the city.
[Sobbing.]
Um, are you okay? No.
I'm not.
I'm sure the deer didn't suffer greatly.
There was actually a fairly long spell of crying at the restaurant, and then that finally ended, and then we took a walk in this little park and, uh, we talked about the crying.
[Laughing.]
My God, that sounds awful.
So guess how many parts my guy was missing.
Hint: One is too few.
Actually, it was pretty great.
What? How? 'Cause we genuinely connected, you know? We just dropped all the pretense and we were messy and real and, you knowHuman.
Oh, yuck.
Tell me you didn't cry.
We both did.
But in this totally great way.
- Alex, there is no great way to-- you're supposed to be rebranding--this is new Alex.
[Squeak.]
Oops.
Okay, I gotta go.
Okay.
We're just gonna call this a great practice run, and I'm gonna send you a new profile link, okay? Then we'll discuss.
- No, don't-- - soThe flair.
Did it work? No.
No.
She thought it was ridiculous.
So you talked about it.
We talked about you.
She said that you sound like you have self-esteem issues and that you probably need therapy.
So it did work.
Like a charm.
Okay.
Select press is gonna be covering your entrance to the clinic.
You just need to look contrite, ready to move on.
Stephen and gregg are gonna handle the press.
You gotta lose the jacket and the tie.
This is a moment of penance.
You wanna read as vulnerable.
We already did your patient forms.
- I filled them out myself.
- Cheer up, Fred.
I once booked myself into a sex addiction clinic in gstaad for a vacation.
Let's just say when I left I needed a vacation.
Wait.
I've never had sex with any kind of animal or object.
I just wanted to make it seem like you had it real bad.
And I cheated twice.
Not 3,000 times.
- Oh.
I thought you said once.
- Car's here.
Helen.
Tim dymund's on line three.
Ah! Thank you.
Your wife's lawyers.
It's all working out.
Okay, good luck.
That's my little star fruit.
I hope you packed ample supplies of emollient.
With all those nymphos in one place, there's a serious risk of chafing.
Tim, hi.
How is everything? Good, good.
I just got a response from Mrs.
Potter about your proposal excellent.
What'd she think? Basically, Mrs.
Potter said her husband can-- kind of an anatomical impossibility.
But it involves him hanging himself from WellI'm trying to think of a good rhyme word.
- Okay, I, uh-- - maybe "totem"? No, I got it like forever ago.
Tim, I need you to get me another chance.
Let me just sit down with her again.
I can convince her.
MaybeIf you Go out with me? Drinks, Friday? Coffee is a drink, and I am available the third Friday in June, 2012.
Deal.
I'll see what I can do.
[Phone beeps off.]
[Sighs.]
Are you still working on that Potters thing? Yeah.
Uh, just a little trickier than I thought.
You headed home? No, I'm headed out.
I'm meeting dawn at the park.
Wait.
What?! I'm going out with dawn.
You know, the online girl? Yeah, dawn27.
Again? Because the plan was that-- - I know what your plan was.
But what can I say? I like her.
I'd like to see her again.
Have a good night.
Don't work too hard.
Then I'm like, my life is supposed to be this.
And now it's this? I don't even know what "this" is.
And if this is this, then who the hell am I? And why am I crying in the middle of the cereal aisle? Exactly.
And can I tell you something? A man crying-- people do not like that.
Mm-mm.
I've seen the market research.
Oh, what's wrong with a man crying? It's totally gay is what.
I can say that because I'm gay.
Gay, and a complete jerk.
Move on, Troy.
It's not like you'll never get another chance to swicked.
Well, my husband never cries.
I cried when David died.
That dumb bird? Some people feel threatened when other people express emotions, because they're afraid to confront their own.
Exactly.
Thank you.
[Cell phone rings.]
I have a friend at work who is like the poster child for that.
Oh, here she is.
Excuse me one second.
You know, you never understood my relationship with David.
Oh, please.
Hey, guess what we're talking about? Men crying.
Okay, yes.
That is just as I thought.
Alex, are you sure about this? About what? - You want to put yourself back out there--great.
But you sure you want to fling yourself into a relationship immediately with this brooding dawn-type? Helen, you don't even know her.
I am looking at her profile right now.
Do you know what her favorite book is? The lovely bones.
Joni Mitchell-- all over this thing.
Oh, one of her special interests-- candles.
Just simply candles.
What does that even mean? My profile says I can squat 400 pounds.
Just, from what I can deduce from this, she is just a demented vampire woman who feeds off of emotional torment.
And I just don't think that's what you need right now.
All right, you know what I need? To hang up.
Which I'm doing right now.
Have a good night.
[Phone beeps off.]
[Sighs.]
Okay, I got you a chocolate one.
Hey.
Ready for party? Yeah, um Is everything okay? Yeah.
Just Trying to deal with this Mrs.
Potter situation.
Yeah, it's a tough one.
Yeah, she just seems like she's locked in this really angry place.
- Uh, my wife told me this-- sometimes when you're talking to someone in an emotional place, we often make the mistake of thinking we need to solve their problems instead of just listening and being supportive.
- So w-with Mrs.
Potter-- do you think I should just be more sympathetic and emotional? Well, I don't want to tell you what to do.
- Why? - Because I know that's a trap.
Gregg, please.
I'm in a situation here.
And I know it must be very hard for you.
Look, Helen, everything in this makes logical sense.
It's just that I remember our honeymoon like it was yesterday.
And then this.
I understand.
But the proposal does make sense, right? If you put the emotions aside-- - well, it is hard to move on.
Betrayal like that from someone you trust.
I mean, you have a partner-- - oh, I understand.
I was engaged.
But logically, if you take a look at your-- - was? - Mm-hmm.
- Didn't work out? Uh, no.
But I mean, not like this.
Uh, with us, it just didn't work out on a larger scale.
[Slurps.]
Like life-wise.
In that he didn't, uh, live.
But we are talking about you.
Oh, no, Helen.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, no, it's fine.
I'm fine.
We had issues.
And we never had a chance to fix them.
Because, um-- - I understand.
- No, no.
I'm-- I'm just talking about this to illustrate a point in your situation, which is how you-- - it must have been very painful.
No, it's fine.
[Sobs, sniffles.]
[Sobbing.]
If you just want to look really quickly-- would you mind taking another look really fast at page two? [Sobbing.]
I think you'll find it interesting.
This has been a hard time for me and Dorothy, and I want to thank everyone for your support and for continuing to support family values.
Helen, my old chuff, I don't know how you did this, but good eggs.
God! If-- if I had your skill talking women into things Well, I'd be dead from exhaustion.
Probably for the best.
- Probably.
- Oh, right.
So, how'd it go last night? Let me guess.
You guys talked about feelings.
You cried, she cried.
You talked about crying.
We talked about normal human reactions to emotional trauma.
We were open and honest with each other.
Sheesh.
If that's what a date with dawn sounds like, I can see the appeal.
I'm sorry.
Are you jealous? - No, I'm not-- hey.
Eyes front, hack.
No, I'm not jealous.
It's just We used to talk.
Well, you don't wanna talk about any of the things I want to talk about.
That's because you want to talk about the wrong things.
So I'm just trying to fix you-- - well, God, I don't want to be fixed.
You ever think of that? Well, there's your problem.
You know what your problem is? You see everything like work, like it's a problem that has to be fixed.
Maybe you should fix that.
There's nothing to be fixed, because that's not a problem I see.
So you're perfect.
Yeah, maybe.
Maybe that's your problem, 'cause you don't know how to deal with that.
And the fact that you're totally closed off and unsympathetic, that's just fine.
Unsympathetic? I slept with you! Twice! Shh! Hey, guy, seriously.
On the statement! - You both sound like my ex-wife.
There.
You happy now? If I'm so closed off, why did I spend all night last night talking with Mrs.
Potter about my dead fiance, bawling my eyes out? Probably to fix this problem here, I'm guessing.
Nice work, by the way.
God, this guy is such a dog.
I never thought you'd get her up there.
Well [Cameras clicking.]
- Did-- did he just wink at you? - No, I think he just-- - and it's just like sometimes I literally think I can't get past it.
- Yeah.
- Like I'm stepping off into this void.
Like an uncharted void.
Well, technically, all voids are uncharted.
Be nothing to chart, but, um Yeah, I don't think of it as so much as a void as more like kind of like a new frontier, you know, it-- you all right? I'm sorry.
Just this bench reminds me of the one that my ex-husband proposed on.
- Oh.
Oh, I know.
I-I know that feeling.
I proposed in a forest, and I'm still very conflicted about trees.
[Chuckles.]
Where'd he propose? On that bench right there.
- That bench right there? - Mm-hmm.
No wonder this bench reminds you of that bench.
Well At least we're on this bench.
He asked me for a divorce on this bench.
On this bench.
Shouldn't we move on, then, to another bench with less emotional affiliation for you? This whole park has so many memories.
We came here all the time.
To this park.
We lived right across the street.
Really? How long ago did you guys split up? Oh, just like three years ago.
And yet you keep coming back to this park.
I keep trying other parks.
But It's like stepping off into an uncharted both: Void.
Right.
- Yeah.
- Right.
[Phone rings.]
Hey.
- Hey.
Uh-- you home? Is it okay to call? Yeah.
I'm still working on chemetex.
How you doing? You okay? Yeah.
I'm just sitting here thinking about what you said earlier, how I close myself off to emotional responses, and I-- - you're not gonna talk feelings, are you? Well, that's why I called you.
Yeah.
'Cause I don't wanna talk about feelings.
Right.
'Cause you have dawn.
No.
Because I've moved on from dawn, and as a result, I don't ever wanna talk about feelings again.
Oh.
So So You wanna come over and Not talk about feelings? Okay.
UmSay 15 minutes? Oh, I can do it in 7.
That's the spirit.
Okay, remember, when we see each other at the office, we have to act like we haven't seen each other since yesterday.
- It's not my first rodeo.
- What are you doing? If we leave at the same time, we're gonna arrive at the same time, and then people will guess.
We don't have to get to the office at the same time.
I can just sit in my car in the garage for a while.
Then the garage guy's gonna know when he sees us drive in together.
So what? He's a garage guy.
Yeah, well, the garage guy is gonna talk to the other garage guy who's gonna talk to the security guys, and they talk to everybody.
Well, I guess I could just hang out here for a while.
You stay in my apartment by yourself? No.
That's way too much, way too fast.
Well, how about I just go stand out on a street corner for like 11 minutes? Oh, would you mind? Thank you! Come on!