Free Agents (UK) (2009) s01e04 Episode Script
Episode 4
1 (Woman) Night.
(Man) Yeah, see you Monday.
Alex, what are you doing tonight? Oh, got to see an Iranian film.
Really? Who's your client? Who have you got in the Iranian film? No-one.
Is it a really good Iranian film? Appalling apparently, really bad reviews, You haven't got to go and see it then, have you? I have, because if I don't go and sit in that arthouse cinema tonight, all I'm left with is the great shocking emptiness that makes up my personal life.
From the minute I leave my desk, or switch off my BlackBerry, walk out the office You can hear the silence.
You can feel the doubts and fears gripping at your ball sack, and sliding round behind and up into your arsehole.
Then out of your arsehole, then in again, till it doesn't matter whether you're at the gym or at the fucking meat counter in Sainsbury's, there's always this still, small voice saying over and over, ''Stephen Caudwell, it's time to give up the hookers.
'' Right, um I think I'd better come and see this Iranian film as well.
Oh, me as well actually.
Emma, do you want to come and see this Iranian film with me? - And them - No, thank you.
I'm just gonna go to Not the film.
Alex! Did you go out tonight, Dad? Yeah, course, I did.
It's Friday.
- Did you go to the pub with your mates? - No, not tonight.
No.
I went to see an Iranian film.
Fucking boring.
Please don't swear, Billy.
Things are pretty tough for film-makers in Iran under the current regime.
We have to do everything we can to support them, because, you know, just by making these films everyone involved is risking their lives.
Good.
is that your new house? Yeah, yeah, I just needed my own space, really.
Yes, he is.
Whatever he is, he's a very nice one because, you know, he's letting me stay in this flat that he normally rents out while he's having it redecorated.
There's Jarek, he's working late.
As usual.
He's staying here while he's doing the redecorating.
So is Aleksander.
And Krystof and Bogumil.
(All) Hi, kids! Anyway, it's ten o'clock, we should probably sign off, so have a good weekend with Mum, and I love you both very much.
Love you too, Dad.
Yeah, bye, Mark.
He means Dad.
Who's Mark? Is Mark a friend of Mum's? Night, Dad.
Who the fucking hell is Mark? (Laura) Hello? (Bad Irish accent) Oh, hello there, Mrs, would Mark be there at all? i'll get him.
Who's calling? Julian.
Babe.
Phone for you, some irish guy called Julian.
Babe.
I bloody knew it.
is that you, Alex? Alex? PHONE RlNGS Hiya.
Did you just ring here with a really crap irish accent, Alex? No, Laura, I didn't, cos I'm actually in a theatre watching a play, thanks.
So why arenât you whispering? (Can I call you back in the interval?) SAWlNG AND DRlLLlNG Bloody hell, Jarek.
It's 7.
30 on Saturday morning.
Don't you have weekends in Warsaw? Oh, it's gone all over Fireman Sam.
It does not come out with fucking vodka, Bogumil.
Hiya.
- Hello.
- Hi.
I was just passing.
Well, I was parked outside and I thought, ''I know, why don't we go and see what Alex is up to?'' We? Yeah, me and me and Peta.
I've got Peta for the day.
Peta.
My godchild.
Sophie's daughter.
For God's sake, Alex, the niece of my dead fiancé.
- Oh, Pete.
- Yeah, that's the one.
I thought I was gonna be able to cope and I've really tried, but I can't.
It's been the hardest half hour of my life.
Thanks for having us.
We won't stay long, honestly, just say, until Peta has to go home tonight.
Is that all right? No, sorry.
Oh, Alex, please.
Come on, I don't do babies.
I'm her godmother, I promised the Lord I would make her go to church, not change her dung-filled nappies.
- No, I'm busy today.
- Are you? Good baby.
She's not surgically attached.
They don't come out of the womb in a car seat.
Come here.
Oi.
Ah.
See? Still got the old magic.
Right.
I'll just go and get us some cappuccinos.
You're not going anywhere, mate.
Oh, blimey, she does need changing.
I can't.
Really, I get a bit nauseous wiping my own arse, to be honest.
Alex, please change her nappy.
And probably just a few more nappies.
I don't know how often a baby goes on average, you tell me.
Let me and my goddaughter hang out with you today then when this whole nightmare is over I'll take you out to dinner, like a date, kind of thing.
A date? Yeah, just without any kissing.
Just sex then, that's OK.
No, no sex either.
Bloody hell! What kind of a prostitute are you? Still, as we know from experience, once Auntie Helen gets drunk the no-sex, no-kissing rule goes out of the window.
Next Tuesday all right? I'm only doing this cos leaving you with her is the equivalent of child abuse.
I agree.
It's grossly irresponsible of Sophie and Malcolm to leave her with me.
Just cos they've got gastric flu.
What?! ''How was your weekend, Alex?'' ''Ooh, it was great, thanks.
''Saturday, I was emotionally blackmailed into some babysitting.
''Sunday, I spent mostly projectile vomiting.
'' Sorry, OK.
I forgot to mention Sophie and Malcolm were sick.
No, you didn't.
You remembered not to mention they were sick.
They didn't have anyone else to ask.
I'm risking my health as much as you.
Yeah, but as there's no chance of you coming into contact with her excrement, not quite as much as me.
Where are you going? I'm going to the park, like you said.
That's what you do with babies.
No, not this park.
This is not the park I said we should go to.
They're all the same, aren't they? Grass, swings, over-priced cafes, loads of alcoholics.
No.
They're not all the same.
This is a crap park.
Battersea Park is a crap park? For babies, yeah, Battersea's crap for babies, OK? Terrible changing facilities and stuff.
Well, they don't seem to think so.
They're probably tourists or new mums.
They'll learn.
I'm just going in here.
Which one of us knows about parks and babies and all that stuff, OK? Who's relying on whose expertise and experience today, Helen? So please, just do what you're told and go to the park I said we should go to, OK? I know a man you could talk to about that anger.
GUN BEEPS Hi, man, it's Dan.
Yeah, how are you doing? Just calling to check you're OK about the contract.
Yeah, I know it's Saturday, but I was just worried you were worried about the contract.
You're not worried.
Great, OK, but I just want you to know as my client and as my personal friend that, you know, if that changes, like if at any point this fucking weekend, right, night or day, you do suddenly feel worried about the contract then, you know, I can come over and we can talk about this thing.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
I mean, like, I could come over now, for example.
How old is she? Seven? That's amazing, yeah.
I'll tell you what I'll do, I'm coming over to yours right now, right, and I'm buying your daughter a fucking huge birthday present, yeah.
All right, I'm not coming over.
Yeah, OK, all right.
No, I promise.
I promise I'm not coming over.
Yeah.
I'm not.
Yeah, all right.
Yeah, fine, we'll talk about this Monday.
DlALS NUMBER ON PHONE Hi, man, it's Dan, I'm just calling about the contract.
Yeah, I know it's the weekend, yeah.
Right, so what's this park got that Battersea Park hasn't got? This is a proper park, Helen.
Not some poncey, ''Ooh, I like to meditate in the pagoda ''when I'm out rollerblading'' kind of park.
This is a park for ordinary parents who've had enough of their kids being caged up in their courtyard gardens, so they bring them here, to run about in the wide open spaces.
Can I have a go at pushing the buggy now, please? Oh, it's funny, you know, something small, the physical sensation of just pushing a buggy say, you realise how long it's been since you were doing all that.
Really? Now I think it's my turn to experience the physical sensation of pushing the buggy.
She's my fucking godchild.
How am I ever going to get into this whole childcare thing if you won't let me do any of the fun stuff? Alex? Alex? I think that guy's talking to you.
Hey, Alex.
Yeah, it's quite a common name.
Alex Taylor? Hey, Rick.
Hi, Lucy.
Molly, Rose, Orlando.
Bloody hell, mate.
Didn't waste much time, did you? - Oh, the baby's not mine.
- Or mine.
No, she's not mine either.
We're not together.
No, we're not! I'm just going for a walk in the park with my friend, and my friend's friend's baby daughter.
Like you do.
Laura and Mark and the boys are over by the swings if you're looking for them.
We're not.
We're not looking for them at all.
Well, you know, if we were to bump into them, that would By the swings.
Yeah, well, that would be really nice.
Mark's a great guy, isn't he? Yeah.
So, we'd better go.
Whoever the baby belongs to you and your girlfriend haven't abducted it, have you? No.
No, course you haven't.
I'm only kidding.
Listen, whatever the story is I'm just really glad that you and Laura have both found someone else.
Except I haven't.
Cos with you gone, those boys need a father.
See you, mate.
Fucking twat! ''No, Rick, we haven't come to the park to snoop around ''after my ex-wife and her new boyfriend, not at all.
'' You lied to me, Alex.
Says the person who forgot to mention Peta's parents are spending all day in the toilet.
Yeah, OK.
So we're even.
I no longer have to go on a date with you.
No worries.
And I don't have to look after your godchild for you all day.
All right there, Supernanny, don't be too hasty.
So this is your old neighbourhood, then? Yeah.
Welcome to the scene of the crime.
I pushed Tom's pram through those gates half an hour after me and Laura brought him home from the hospital.
Over there Billy told the whole One O'Clock Club to go fuck themselves.
LAUGHS Now here I am, on the same piece of grass, stalking my kids' new stepfather.
It's not great, is it? Well, you know, it's just life, isn't it? Well, it's your life.
Why don't you go and find them? Maybe if you found this Mark and you had a chat with him Oh, are you crazy? I'd never do anything as grown up as that.
Or just continue what you're doing and spy on him from a distance.
Now you are making sense.
You get a closer look at them, I'll hide behind a tree.
All right there, Bigfoot? Yeah, yeah, yeah, hit me with it.
What's he like? Well, first off, your ex-wife is gorgeous.
Alex, you fool.
You'll never pull anyone that good again.
I pulled you.
For a moment, a second, I don't think we can class that as a pulling on your part.
Just dish the dirt on the stepfather, OK.
He was there, you know, by the swings.
Oh, I don't know.
There was something not right.
Tense.
And the boys didn't look happy with him.
And he's not nearly as good-looking as you.
He had a sort of squint and one of his You're lying, aren't you? No, yes Well, no, actually, cos your ex really is gorgeous.
- You blew it with the squint thing.
- Damn it! I knew as soon as I said it.
You can be honest with me.
Well Laura looked happy.
The boys looked happy.
- Billy was holding Mark's hand - You don't have to be that honest.
- Sorry.
- Oh, don't be.
I want them to be happy with him.
The part of me that's a decent human being wants them to be happy.
The other part wants him to be a total bastard who they hate just because he's not me.
Oh, can I borrow about30 quid off you? (I'm hungry.
) Come on.
Let's try another park, with less emotional baggage.
Hyde Park maybe.
No, I can't do Hyde Park.
I was dumped by my first live-in boyfriend in Hyde Park.
Regent's Park might be all right.
How's that for you, Peta? Any Regent's Park break-ups you don't wanna be reminded of? Ooh-hoo.
Hey, come on, don't cry for me, I'll be all right.
I'm not crying for you, you twat! I'm crying for me.
I wanted a baby.
Pete always said I'd be terrible with kids and I fucking well am.
Well, you are, that is the bad news.
The good news is there's no quality threshold on being a parent.
You can be really crap and you still get to have a go at it again and again.
I mean, seriously, even I might get a chance to screw up some more kids.
Don't worry about it, Helen.
Babies cry a lot.
So do l.
I mean, those are two of life's certainties.
LAUGHS PHONE RlNGS Well, take her then, I can't do two things at once, can l? It's Stephen.
it's very important, fruity, an emergency.
I can't be arsed to do it over the phone.
I just need you in the office for a board meeting as soon as possible.
That's gonna be difficult, I've got a baby.
Congratulations, I didn't know you'd been knocked up.
Helen's had a baby.
Fucking loser.
She's not mine, you idiot.
I'm just looking after her for the day, and funnily enough, my address book isn't chock full of babysitters.
- That was weird.
- What did he say? He said bring the baby to the meeting.
There's nothing weird about that.
It's the 21st century.
Stephen's an equal opportunities deviant.
Yeah, but it's Saturday, he said get there at 1 for 1.
30, no need to bring a bottle.
Ah, there you are.
I think you know everybody.
Yeah, one or two familiar faces, yeah.
Apart, perhaps, from the Chans, our weekend cleaners.
Mr Chan was telling me a fascinating story about how he and his family spent three weeks hidden in the back of a refrigeration lorry, which I must admit, immediately had me thinking ''film rights''.
Let me get you a glass of champagne.
Hello.
Does it wanna play with my BlackBerry? I've got Tetris.
You've got a bloody cheek.
You forced the entire company to abandon their weekends just because you're lonely.
I'm lonely too.
I'm really popular.
This isn't a bloody meeting.
It's a party.
It's a jolly good party, don't you think? The magician'll be here in a minute.
I was gonna go with the lap dancers but Dan pointed out we'd have an under-five at the board meeting.
MUSlC: Reelin' ln The Years by Steely Dan Now that's what I call music.
All right, Rob? Oh, come on.
Don't come too close.
I'm still feeling rotten.
Malcolm's spent the whole day on the toilet.
I won't come out.
I daren't.
How was she? Oh, she was great.
Few teething problems at first.
Not literally.
When did she have her last feed? I gave her a bottle about an hour ago and she had some mashed banana.
Alex was in charge of the feeding department.
Used all the Pampers, I'm afraid.
And the nappy changing department.
Pretty much all the departments.
Perhaps Alex would like to be Peta's godparent.
He'd be much better at it than me.
Alex has loads of experience with babies, even though he actually walked out on hisbabies.
Who is Alex, by the way? Oh, sorry, Alex is a friend.
We're definitely not a couple.
- No, we're not.
Not any more.
- Well, we never really were a couple.
Well We just did it, had a couple of It was ages after Pete died.
Yeah, months and months.
I love these.
Of course, in my day we just wanted something we could take for a trip down to the shops, not a hike up the Cairngorms.
MALCOLM LAUGHS HE STOPS LAUGHlNG We think they're very practical.
I didn't wanna give that baby back.
No, I didn't wanna give my kids back either, but then I remembered the court order and the headlock that policeman had me in.
You can stop waving now, Helen.
Sorry.
Oh, you'll have a baby.
I know it doesn't feel like it now, what with you being bereaved and single and just a few years from the menopause, but Thanks.
Yeah, no, honestly, you will have a child.
Not with me, I wouldn't recommend that.
I'm great when they're Peta's age, I just tend to scarper when they're coming up to secondary school.
Well, conceive and leave, that might suit me.
At least we wouldn't have to spend the rest of our lives together.
Yeah.
- Right, I'd better get off to the Tube.
- Oh, no, don't.
No, I'd better, Jarek's made borscht again and BogumiI's gonna play folk songs on his Duda, which is a Polish bagpipe, in case you're wondering.
Stay with me tonight.
I don't mean like that.
I just, you know, I mean, we're friends now, right? We're great mates.
Yeah.
That's what we are.
We got all that other stuff out of our systems.
Definitely, I've just checked my system over and I'm totally spunk free, if thatâs the phrase, I'm not sure it is.
No, but, you know, move in with me for a while.
Take the spare room.
You're gonna need somewhere to stay for a decent amount of time, and I could, you know, maybe do with the company.
Oh, well, I'd love that, yeah.
- Yeah, thank you, great.
- OK.
Well, let's go get your Fireman Sam duvet, and all your other stuff.
There is no other stuff.
Fireman Sam's pretty much it.
I've got some pants, obviously, a couple of T-shirts, some shoes.
But listen, we're OK, promise me, yeah? I won't have to lock my bedroom door.
I'm not remotely interested in breaking down your door and having sex with you.
Not any more, anyway.
Good.
(Alex) What are you doing tomorrow? (Helen) How do you mean? Well, just, I have the boys and I was wondering if you were around.
Oh, thank you.
I'm really, I'm really touched.
I'd really love to meet your boys.
Rather than have them under surveillance.
But I don't know, I just think it might be a bit weird, you know, for them and for me.
Just not sure it's a good idea.
No, neither am l.
What? I don't think it's a good idea either.
I think it would just be confusing.
Because I'm introducing them to Sarah tomorrow.
You're introducing them to your internet girlfriend? - Yeah.
Are you around or not? - Why? So you can have me on stand-by? No, I was thinking if you're not around then maybe I could cook them all lunch in your flat.
(Alex) There's only so many times you can go to the zoo.
Thanks for bringing us to the zoo again, Dad.
No problem.
My dad hated zoos, so he'd never take me.
But he thought it was mean to lions and tigers and elephants to lock them up.
- What a cun - No, not the C word, that was the deal.
.
.
t.
He doesn't mean that about your dad.
Yes, I did.
Has he been taking his medication? - Well, has he or hasn't he? - I don't know, I'm not his dad.
Sorry, Tom.
Molly and Rose and Orlando's mum said they saw you in the park yesterday, with your girlfriend and a baby.
She wasn't my girlfriend.
She wasn't.
I haven't got a girlfriend.
You know what I mean.
And I haven't got a baby apart from you two.
You're my babies.
She said you were hiding behind a tree and staring at us, Mum and Mark.
No.
No, that doesn't sound There must have been loads of guys hiding behind trees with babies and girlfriends in that park.
When Mark comes to live with us, would that make him more my dad than you?
(Man) Yeah, see you Monday.
Alex, what are you doing tonight? Oh, got to see an Iranian film.
Really? Who's your client? Who have you got in the Iranian film? No-one.
Is it a really good Iranian film? Appalling apparently, really bad reviews, You haven't got to go and see it then, have you? I have, because if I don't go and sit in that arthouse cinema tonight, all I'm left with is the great shocking emptiness that makes up my personal life.
From the minute I leave my desk, or switch off my BlackBerry, walk out the office You can hear the silence.
You can feel the doubts and fears gripping at your ball sack, and sliding round behind and up into your arsehole.
Then out of your arsehole, then in again, till it doesn't matter whether you're at the gym or at the fucking meat counter in Sainsbury's, there's always this still, small voice saying over and over, ''Stephen Caudwell, it's time to give up the hookers.
'' Right, um I think I'd better come and see this Iranian film as well.
Oh, me as well actually.
Emma, do you want to come and see this Iranian film with me? - And them - No, thank you.
I'm just gonna go to Not the film.
Alex! Did you go out tonight, Dad? Yeah, course, I did.
It's Friday.
- Did you go to the pub with your mates? - No, not tonight.
No.
I went to see an Iranian film.
Fucking boring.
Please don't swear, Billy.
Things are pretty tough for film-makers in Iran under the current regime.
We have to do everything we can to support them, because, you know, just by making these films everyone involved is risking their lives.
Good.
is that your new house? Yeah, yeah, I just needed my own space, really.
Yes, he is.
Whatever he is, he's a very nice one because, you know, he's letting me stay in this flat that he normally rents out while he's having it redecorated.
There's Jarek, he's working late.
As usual.
He's staying here while he's doing the redecorating.
So is Aleksander.
And Krystof and Bogumil.
(All) Hi, kids! Anyway, it's ten o'clock, we should probably sign off, so have a good weekend with Mum, and I love you both very much.
Love you too, Dad.
Yeah, bye, Mark.
He means Dad.
Who's Mark? Is Mark a friend of Mum's? Night, Dad.
Who the fucking hell is Mark? (Laura) Hello? (Bad Irish accent) Oh, hello there, Mrs, would Mark be there at all? i'll get him.
Who's calling? Julian.
Babe.
Phone for you, some irish guy called Julian.
Babe.
I bloody knew it.
is that you, Alex? Alex? PHONE RlNGS Hiya.
Did you just ring here with a really crap irish accent, Alex? No, Laura, I didn't, cos I'm actually in a theatre watching a play, thanks.
So why arenât you whispering? (Can I call you back in the interval?) SAWlNG AND DRlLLlNG Bloody hell, Jarek.
It's 7.
30 on Saturday morning.
Don't you have weekends in Warsaw? Oh, it's gone all over Fireman Sam.
It does not come out with fucking vodka, Bogumil.
Hiya.
- Hello.
- Hi.
I was just passing.
Well, I was parked outside and I thought, ''I know, why don't we go and see what Alex is up to?'' We? Yeah, me and me and Peta.
I've got Peta for the day.
Peta.
My godchild.
Sophie's daughter.
For God's sake, Alex, the niece of my dead fiancé.
- Oh, Pete.
- Yeah, that's the one.
I thought I was gonna be able to cope and I've really tried, but I can't.
It's been the hardest half hour of my life.
Thanks for having us.
We won't stay long, honestly, just say, until Peta has to go home tonight.
Is that all right? No, sorry.
Oh, Alex, please.
Come on, I don't do babies.
I'm her godmother, I promised the Lord I would make her go to church, not change her dung-filled nappies.
- No, I'm busy today.
- Are you? Good baby.
She's not surgically attached.
They don't come out of the womb in a car seat.
Come here.
Oi.
Ah.
See? Still got the old magic.
Right.
I'll just go and get us some cappuccinos.
You're not going anywhere, mate.
Oh, blimey, she does need changing.
I can't.
Really, I get a bit nauseous wiping my own arse, to be honest.
Alex, please change her nappy.
And probably just a few more nappies.
I don't know how often a baby goes on average, you tell me.
Let me and my goddaughter hang out with you today then when this whole nightmare is over I'll take you out to dinner, like a date, kind of thing.
A date? Yeah, just without any kissing.
Just sex then, that's OK.
No, no sex either.
Bloody hell! What kind of a prostitute are you? Still, as we know from experience, once Auntie Helen gets drunk the no-sex, no-kissing rule goes out of the window.
Next Tuesday all right? I'm only doing this cos leaving you with her is the equivalent of child abuse.
I agree.
It's grossly irresponsible of Sophie and Malcolm to leave her with me.
Just cos they've got gastric flu.
What?! ''How was your weekend, Alex?'' ''Ooh, it was great, thanks.
''Saturday, I was emotionally blackmailed into some babysitting.
''Sunday, I spent mostly projectile vomiting.
'' Sorry, OK.
I forgot to mention Sophie and Malcolm were sick.
No, you didn't.
You remembered not to mention they were sick.
They didn't have anyone else to ask.
I'm risking my health as much as you.
Yeah, but as there's no chance of you coming into contact with her excrement, not quite as much as me.
Where are you going? I'm going to the park, like you said.
That's what you do with babies.
No, not this park.
This is not the park I said we should go to.
They're all the same, aren't they? Grass, swings, over-priced cafes, loads of alcoholics.
No.
They're not all the same.
This is a crap park.
Battersea Park is a crap park? For babies, yeah, Battersea's crap for babies, OK? Terrible changing facilities and stuff.
Well, they don't seem to think so.
They're probably tourists or new mums.
They'll learn.
I'm just going in here.
Which one of us knows about parks and babies and all that stuff, OK? Who's relying on whose expertise and experience today, Helen? So please, just do what you're told and go to the park I said we should go to, OK? I know a man you could talk to about that anger.
GUN BEEPS Hi, man, it's Dan.
Yeah, how are you doing? Just calling to check you're OK about the contract.
Yeah, I know it's Saturday, but I was just worried you were worried about the contract.
You're not worried.
Great, OK, but I just want you to know as my client and as my personal friend that, you know, if that changes, like if at any point this fucking weekend, right, night or day, you do suddenly feel worried about the contract then, you know, I can come over and we can talk about this thing.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
I mean, like, I could come over now, for example.
How old is she? Seven? That's amazing, yeah.
I'll tell you what I'll do, I'm coming over to yours right now, right, and I'm buying your daughter a fucking huge birthday present, yeah.
All right, I'm not coming over.
Yeah, OK, all right.
No, I promise.
I promise I'm not coming over.
Yeah.
I'm not.
Yeah, all right.
Yeah, fine, we'll talk about this Monday.
DlALS NUMBER ON PHONE Hi, man, it's Dan, I'm just calling about the contract.
Yeah, I know it's the weekend, yeah.
Right, so what's this park got that Battersea Park hasn't got? This is a proper park, Helen.
Not some poncey, ''Ooh, I like to meditate in the pagoda ''when I'm out rollerblading'' kind of park.
This is a park for ordinary parents who've had enough of their kids being caged up in their courtyard gardens, so they bring them here, to run about in the wide open spaces.
Can I have a go at pushing the buggy now, please? Oh, it's funny, you know, something small, the physical sensation of just pushing a buggy say, you realise how long it's been since you were doing all that.
Really? Now I think it's my turn to experience the physical sensation of pushing the buggy.
She's my fucking godchild.
How am I ever going to get into this whole childcare thing if you won't let me do any of the fun stuff? Alex? Alex? I think that guy's talking to you.
Hey, Alex.
Yeah, it's quite a common name.
Alex Taylor? Hey, Rick.
Hi, Lucy.
Molly, Rose, Orlando.
Bloody hell, mate.
Didn't waste much time, did you? - Oh, the baby's not mine.
- Or mine.
No, she's not mine either.
We're not together.
No, we're not! I'm just going for a walk in the park with my friend, and my friend's friend's baby daughter.
Like you do.
Laura and Mark and the boys are over by the swings if you're looking for them.
We're not.
We're not looking for them at all.
Well, you know, if we were to bump into them, that would By the swings.
Yeah, well, that would be really nice.
Mark's a great guy, isn't he? Yeah.
So, we'd better go.
Whoever the baby belongs to you and your girlfriend haven't abducted it, have you? No.
No, course you haven't.
I'm only kidding.
Listen, whatever the story is I'm just really glad that you and Laura have both found someone else.
Except I haven't.
Cos with you gone, those boys need a father.
See you, mate.
Fucking twat! ''No, Rick, we haven't come to the park to snoop around ''after my ex-wife and her new boyfriend, not at all.
'' You lied to me, Alex.
Says the person who forgot to mention Peta's parents are spending all day in the toilet.
Yeah, OK.
So we're even.
I no longer have to go on a date with you.
No worries.
And I don't have to look after your godchild for you all day.
All right there, Supernanny, don't be too hasty.
So this is your old neighbourhood, then? Yeah.
Welcome to the scene of the crime.
I pushed Tom's pram through those gates half an hour after me and Laura brought him home from the hospital.
Over there Billy told the whole One O'Clock Club to go fuck themselves.
LAUGHS Now here I am, on the same piece of grass, stalking my kids' new stepfather.
It's not great, is it? Well, you know, it's just life, isn't it? Well, it's your life.
Why don't you go and find them? Maybe if you found this Mark and you had a chat with him Oh, are you crazy? I'd never do anything as grown up as that.
Or just continue what you're doing and spy on him from a distance.
Now you are making sense.
You get a closer look at them, I'll hide behind a tree.
All right there, Bigfoot? Yeah, yeah, yeah, hit me with it.
What's he like? Well, first off, your ex-wife is gorgeous.
Alex, you fool.
You'll never pull anyone that good again.
I pulled you.
For a moment, a second, I don't think we can class that as a pulling on your part.
Just dish the dirt on the stepfather, OK.
He was there, you know, by the swings.
Oh, I don't know.
There was something not right.
Tense.
And the boys didn't look happy with him.
And he's not nearly as good-looking as you.
He had a sort of squint and one of his You're lying, aren't you? No, yes Well, no, actually, cos your ex really is gorgeous.
- You blew it with the squint thing.
- Damn it! I knew as soon as I said it.
You can be honest with me.
Well Laura looked happy.
The boys looked happy.
- Billy was holding Mark's hand - You don't have to be that honest.
- Sorry.
- Oh, don't be.
I want them to be happy with him.
The part of me that's a decent human being wants them to be happy.
The other part wants him to be a total bastard who they hate just because he's not me.
Oh, can I borrow about30 quid off you? (I'm hungry.
) Come on.
Let's try another park, with less emotional baggage.
Hyde Park maybe.
No, I can't do Hyde Park.
I was dumped by my first live-in boyfriend in Hyde Park.
Regent's Park might be all right.
How's that for you, Peta? Any Regent's Park break-ups you don't wanna be reminded of? Ooh-hoo.
Hey, come on, don't cry for me, I'll be all right.
I'm not crying for you, you twat! I'm crying for me.
I wanted a baby.
Pete always said I'd be terrible with kids and I fucking well am.
Well, you are, that is the bad news.
The good news is there's no quality threshold on being a parent.
You can be really crap and you still get to have a go at it again and again.
I mean, seriously, even I might get a chance to screw up some more kids.
Don't worry about it, Helen.
Babies cry a lot.
So do l.
I mean, those are two of life's certainties.
LAUGHS PHONE RlNGS Well, take her then, I can't do two things at once, can l? It's Stephen.
it's very important, fruity, an emergency.
I can't be arsed to do it over the phone.
I just need you in the office for a board meeting as soon as possible.
That's gonna be difficult, I've got a baby.
Congratulations, I didn't know you'd been knocked up.
Helen's had a baby.
Fucking loser.
She's not mine, you idiot.
I'm just looking after her for the day, and funnily enough, my address book isn't chock full of babysitters.
- That was weird.
- What did he say? He said bring the baby to the meeting.
There's nothing weird about that.
It's the 21st century.
Stephen's an equal opportunities deviant.
Yeah, but it's Saturday, he said get there at 1 for 1.
30, no need to bring a bottle.
Ah, there you are.
I think you know everybody.
Yeah, one or two familiar faces, yeah.
Apart, perhaps, from the Chans, our weekend cleaners.
Mr Chan was telling me a fascinating story about how he and his family spent three weeks hidden in the back of a refrigeration lorry, which I must admit, immediately had me thinking ''film rights''.
Let me get you a glass of champagne.
Hello.
Does it wanna play with my BlackBerry? I've got Tetris.
You've got a bloody cheek.
You forced the entire company to abandon their weekends just because you're lonely.
I'm lonely too.
I'm really popular.
This isn't a bloody meeting.
It's a party.
It's a jolly good party, don't you think? The magician'll be here in a minute.
I was gonna go with the lap dancers but Dan pointed out we'd have an under-five at the board meeting.
MUSlC: Reelin' ln The Years by Steely Dan Now that's what I call music.
All right, Rob? Oh, come on.
Don't come too close.
I'm still feeling rotten.
Malcolm's spent the whole day on the toilet.
I won't come out.
I daren't.
How was she? Oh, she was great.
Few teething problems at first.
Not literally.
When did she have her last feed? I gave her a bottle about an hour ago and she had some mashed banana.
Alex was in charge of the feeding department.
Used all the Pampers, I'm afraid.
And the nappy changing department.
Pretty much all the departments.
Perhaps Alex would like to be Peta's godparent.
He'd be much better at it than me.
Alex has loads of experience with babies, even though he actually walked out on hisbabies.
Who is Alex, by the way? Oh, sorry, Alex is a friend.
We're definitely not a couple.
- No, we're not.
Not any more.
- Well, we never really were a couple.
Well We just did it, had a couple of It was ages after Pete died.
Yeah, months and months.
I love these.
Of course, in my day we just wanted something we could take for a trip down to the shops, not a hike up the Cairngorms.
MALCOLM LAUGHS HE STOPS LAUGHlNG We think they're very practical.
I didn't wanna give that baby back.
No, I didn't wanna give my kids back either, but then I remembered the court order and the headlock that policeman had me in.
You can stop waving now, Helen.
Sorry.
Oh, you'll have a baby.
I know it doesn't feel like it now, what with you being bereaved and single and just a few years from the menopause, but Thanks.
Yeah, no, honestly, you will have a child.
Not with me, I wouldn't recommend that.
I'm great when they're Peta's age, I just tend to scarper when they're coming up to secondary school.
Well, conceive and leave, that might suit me.
At least we wouldn't have to spend the rest of our lives together.
Yeah.
- Right, I'd better get off to the Tube.
- Oh, no, don't.
No, I'd better, Jarek's made borscht again and BogumiI's gonna play folk songs on his Duda, which is a Polish bagpipe, in case you're wondering.
Stay with me tonight.
I don't mean like that.
I just, you know, I mean, we're friends now, right? We're great mates.
Yeah.
That's what we are.
We got all that other stuff out of our systems.
Definitely, I've just checked my system over and I'm totally spunk free, if thatâs the phrase, I'm not sure it is.
No, but, you know, move in with me for a while.
Take the spare room.
You're gonna need somewhere to stay for a decent amount of time, and I could, you know, maybe do with the company.
Oh, well, I'd love that, yeah.
- Yeah, thank you, great.
- OK.
Well, let's go get your Fireman Sam duvet, and all your other stuff.
There is no other stuff.
Fireman Sam's pretty much it.
I've got some pants, obviously, a couple of T-shirts, some shoes.
But listen, we're OK, promise me, yeah? I won't have to lock my bedroom door.
I'm not remotely interested in breaking down your door and having sex with you.
Not any more, anyway.
Good.
(Alex) What are you doing tomorrow? (Helen) How do you mean? Well, just, I have the boys and I was wondering if you were around.
Oh, thank you.
I'm really, I'm really touched.
I'd really love to meet your boys.
Rather than have them under surveillance.
But I don't know, I just think it might be a bit weird, you know, for them and for me.
Just not sure it's a good idea.
No, neither am l.
What? I don't think it's a good idea either.
I think it would just be confusing.
Because I'm introducing them to Sarah tomorrow.
You're introducing them to your internet girlfriend? - Yeah.
Are you around or not? - Why? So you can have me on stand-by? No, I was thinking if you're not around then maybe I could cook them all lunch in your flat.
(Alex) There's only so many times you can go to the zoo.
Thanks for bringing us to the zoo again, Dad.
No problem.
My dad hated zoos, so he'd never take me.
But he thought it was mean to lions and tigers and elephants to lock them up.
- What a cun - No, not the C word, that was the deal.
.
.
t.
He doesn't mean that about your dad.
Yes, I did.
Has he been taking his medication? - Well, has he or hasn't he? - I don't know, I'm not his dad.
Sorry, Tom.
Molly and Rose and Orlando's mum said they saw you in the park yesterday, with your girlfriend and a baby.
She wasn't my girlfriend.
She wasn't.
I haven't got a girlfriend.
You know what I mean.
And I haven't got a baby apart from you two.
You're my babies.
She said you were hiding behind a tree and staring at us, Mum and Mark.
No.
No, that doesn't sound There must have been loads of guys hiding behind trees with babies and girlfriends in that park.
When Mark comes to live with us, would that make him more my dad than you?