Friends from College (2017) s01e04 Episode Script

I just met Ethan.
I think it was for the last time.
You know, Lisa told me they're starting IVF, so Ethan and I have to stop seeing each other.
So is this why you wanted to start therapy today? No! That has nothing to do with it.
But I can see how you would make that connection.
So, Lisa is a friend of yours from college, as well? Jesus Christ, you're as bad as my husband.
Does he forget things that are important to you? That is not the point! Do you want me to write down the names? I think I'm following.
You are worried about being fair to Lisa, wife of Ethan.
Yes.
Because you're imagining Lisa will be especially vulnerable after the birth of her first child with her husband, Ethan.
I'm not imagining it! She'll have just had a baby! Her vagina's going to be a Superfund site.
Dr Stone didn't say anything about you being pregnant.
That shouldn't affect anything between us.
So what's preventing you from cutting off this affair? You seem pretty determined.
I don't know.
You know, he was the first person I was ever madly attracted to.
And it's as strong now as it was when I was 19 and he was this magnetic, confident, hilarious, brilliant, gorgeous kid.
I get a rush whenever I'm around him and then I make terrible choices.
But maybe that's part of the rush, too.
Are you going to chime in with some advice? Well, giving advice isn't really what psychotherapists do.
I mean, I'm not a life coach.
Should I get a life coach? No.
Don't do that.
That entire field is a joke.
That was great.
The way you just told me not to get a life coach? More of that.
I just met you but is it possible that you are concerned that having a baby will lead to some newfound intimacy between your married friends, Ethan and Lisa, and that that will leave you feeling shut out? So you're ending the affair pre-emptively so that you don't end up feeling hurt? You don't know me.
I don't hurt easily.
Okay.
It was just a theory.
What is happening? This is not me.
I must be getting my period or something.
This is an old family fertility recipe.
It's made from herbs foraged by my grandmother in the Chungnyeongsan Forest.
Wow.
Thank you.
It tastes like hot Crystal Light.
You have to drink the whole thing.
Oh, my God! - Has this ever worked for anyone? - Not to my knowledge, no.
First, peel back the plastic - I have to stop for a second.
- Okay.
remove the needle head from the safety.
He's ahead of me.
For the first half of your cycle, you'll be injecting a follicle stimulant every night, designed to make your body release as many eggs as possible at one time.
Do it.
- You good? You ready? - I'm ready, yes.
You can do it.
- I'm putting the needle in.
- Just do it.
Yeah.
That's it.
Okay.
Alright.
You'll need to come into the office every morning for us to monitor hormone levels and follicle growth.
Hi.
Okay.
Fitz, where the fuck were you? Q4's looking like shit right now.
- If you're late, you don't get to sit.
- Yeah, I'm not standing.
Power move.
I respect that.
Okay.
So, where were we? I saw that.
U.
S.
equities are nasty right now.
Marianne Are you going to watch the video again? Yes.
screw the safety cap on.
- Now I'm doing it.
It's happening.
- Okay.
- We're doing it.
- We're doing it.
Lisa Turner? Everything looks good.
On the right side.
Whoa! - Baby, are you alright? - It's okay.
Okay.
Once we've got as many mature follicles as your body will produce on the drugs, I'll pick the ideal moment for your trigger shot, also known as HCG.
I have these big bruises on my stomach from the Follistim shots and they're super-painful.
I can't sleep on my stomach or even do up my pants.
I mean, is that normal? Oh, yeah.
No, it'll go away in, like, 12 to 36 weeks.
Oh, God, I have the worst paper cut.
Ow! Alright, are you guys clear on the instructions? - Yeah.
- Yes.
Give her the shot at 21:30 exactly, right on the X that you put on her backside.
Yes, it is imperative that you give the shot exactly 36 and a half hours before surgery.
- Do you understand? - Yes.
Then you take her follicles, mix them with my sperm, boom, right? - Exactly.
- Great.
It's like Mission Impossible.
Okay.
One shot at 21:30.
And no ejaculating between now and then.
- Yep.
- Gotcha.
Okay.
I should - I'll write this down.
- Maybe don't masturbate for a minute.
If you need help, you can call the page operator.
She can put you in touch with the doctor on call.
Alright? - This is the big moment! - So exciting! - I can't believe it's happening.
- Congrats on getting here.
If I may, just one question about my side of the equation, if you don't mind.
- In regard to leaving my sample - Sure.
- Honey, you don't need to be here.
- Oh, no, I think I do.
- For this particular question? - Absolutely, I do.
So, the cup is Dixie-cup sized and it's got a sharp, plastic edge.
Perhaps they could provide me with a cup with a larger circumference, or some kind of vessel that just would require less accuracy? What about a Thermos with rubber lips on it? Do you have any of those? Okay, that's very funny, but I missed the first time, okay? I'm sorry, you missed? - Yes.
I took care of it.
- Okay.
Alright, well, let me know if you need anything else.
Thank you.
One more thing, if you don't mind.
If we could also just have some non-pornographic magazines that have more wholesome women on the covers? Non-pornographic? - Good Housekeeping - Town & Country? Alright.
Okay.
Additionally, the computer is very slow.
And it seems that an internet-enabled computer, which its primary function is to browse pornography, is really susceptible to computer viruses, especially if you're running Windows.
I see.
You have a phone, don't you? Alright, thank you very much.
I will talk to the office manager, okay? We'll do the best we can.
Thank you.
Terrific.
So you'll talk to the office manager.
There is no office manager.
But there is still pizza on my wall.
Alright.
Okay.
- Well, we got our HCG.
- Yes, we did.
Are you doing okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm actually really good.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
I just feel like you've been going through hell and I just don't want to screw up my end of the bargain.
I'm just a little nervous about that.
- Because it was weird in there.
- Okay.
It was a little bit strange.
It seemed like it was about something else.
I promise you that it is not, okay? Okay.
- You're cute.
- Oh, yeah? - Well, thank you.
- I hope our kid gets your looks.
And nothing else.
Let me just ask you, exactly how long is the razzing going to go on? Shh! - What is that? - It's a glove.
- What did you do? - We're really doing this! - We're really freaking doing this! - It's amazing! Oh, honey, is that - Goodness! What's going on? - A Streetcar cast party.
- That's tonight? - You get it? Stella! - Oh, right.
- Totally.
What happened to all of our things? - Yeah.
- Oh, I put it in the garden shed.
Thank you.
You know what? I think it will be too stressful to do the shot here.
- Let's get a hotel room.
- Aren't you overreacting? I just heard a ten minute monologue about your masturbation neuroses.
- Fair enough.
- Yeah.
I will book it now.
Okay.
It'll be romantic.
Yeah, we'll make a night of it, right? Like a sexy night of no sex.
Climaxing by injection.
Oh, yeah.
This erotic atmosphere just leading right into some sleep.
Look at you! Let me see those bruises.
- You want to see these bruises? - Look at those.
Oh, that's horrible! - Does that turn you off, baby? - That's got to hurt.
Ouch! - Will you put it in me? - Gonna get everything all fertile.
Gonna take a pitchfork and bury it in the soil No, but seriously, can you get it, because we've got ten minutes.
- Shit! - What? - Where is the needle? - It's in the bag.
No.
This is, like, soy sauce, and hot mustard and stuff.
- Why - There's no I brought the wrong bag from Marianne's.
What? Why does she have so many bags? - Are you finding everything you need? - Yeah.
It's 21:20.
We've got ten minutes.
We've got ten minutes! - We have to go.
Right now.
- Yeah.
Let's get your sweater on.
- Hold on.
Let me get my pants on! - Okay.
I'm sorry.
Jesus! Let me do this! Hi.
Excuse us.
Pardon me.
We don't have time for this.
We need to look.
It's a white, small bag.
You guys made it! Everyone! They're having a child! Thank you.
It's in the kitchen? Thank you so much.
Appreciate it.
Okay, this is so nice.
Okay.
Lisa! This is Shanty.
I told you, she's the one that did the IVF.
And these are my twins, Cronos and Shiva.
They're 39 months.
I got the needle.
- They're beautiful.
- They're great.
Hi.
Thanks.
I got it.
Excuse us.
We need this.
Please.
- This is - Oh, my God.
- It's an adventure.
- You need help? I got it, babe.
I promise you.
- Sure? - Oh, yeah.
- It's 21:37, so - Just let me do my thing here.
- Hello? - Yeah, just give us a minute.
Thank you very much.
Right, just going to get this going here.
- Carefully unscrew - You don't need to watch it.
Honey, it's a new swab part because we haven't done this procedure yet.
- Okay.
- Wipe up Can you give us a minute, please? 1.
5 milliliters.
How much? One, two, three, four, five Four, three, two, one Guys! Come on! Now I don't know.
Give us a fucking minute! One point five and one point five and one point five - One, two, three, four, five - What are you doing? I'm washing my hands to keep it hygienic.
- Okay.
- Okay? That's not soap.
That's lotion.
It's fine.
This is also lotion.
- Just - It's all lotion.
Look, see this? Lotion.
Lotion.
Lotion primer.
Ridiculous.
No wonder her skin's so soft.
- I got lotion hands.
- Ready? Yeah, I'm ready.
Okay.
God, how weird is it that this bathroom might be the story of our child's conception? I am so sorry.
I am sorry.
I think it was the lotion and I can't believe this.
There's gotta be some left in there.
Yeah.
No, look, there's a little residue, but there's no - On both sides, it's messed up.
- We can get it off.
It's nothing but glass.
It's contaminated.
I can't inject you with glass.
- You can and you will.
- I will not inject you with glass.
We're not having a glass baby.
- Do you have any extra? - No! Each vial costs hundreds of dollars! God damn it, the whole procedure cost $30,000.
It would've been nice to have a backup or something.
Are you seriously blaming me for not anticipating you dropping the vial? Look, you know that I drop shit.
Of course I'm not blaming you.
We don't have time for this.
We need to find another dose.
- Where? - Felix! We need to find Felix.
- Okay.
I'm calling Max right now.
- Call Max.
- What's happening? - He's not answering.
Oh, my God, it's 21:42! We need to find Felix! I got it.
Here it is.
Okay.
- What? - Max's Instagram feed.
- You're on Instagram? - Don't worry.
- I don't know what this is telling me! - They're at The Table! - What's that? - An exclusive restaurant.
There's a three-year waiting list to get in.
They grow all the food on the roof.
- Where is it? - Sorry, none of that was important.
It's in Gowanus.
Here we go.
And cheeseburgers.
Wow! This looks amazing.
What's in this? It'sfoie gras, Gorgonzola foam and toasted slices of spam.
- It's incredible.
- It tastes like a cheeseburger.
What is this place? It's a restaurant that's behind another restaurant.
What? This is just incredible.
It's great.
I am humbled by your creativity.
For some reason, I want him to like me.
Hey, Max? - Hey! - Oh, my gosh, look who's here! - Can we talk to you? - This is amazing! This makes perfect sense now! I was wondering why none of my best friends were calling me on my 40th birthday or texting me or anything.
And it hurt my feelings a little bit, I'm not going to lie, but it's worth it, because it was for the surprise! - Happy birthday, Max! - Yes! Thank you! Yes, it is! Come, join us! We can't join so much.
- Felix, we need to talk.
- Fruit roll-ups.
Ooh! Thank you very much.
- So, Felix We have a question.
- It's strawberry sauvage.
Wild strawberries.
Pressed.
Excellent.
And then just a touch of gelatin, sourced from pigs' hoofs.
Okay.
Fed local acorns.
Local acorns and nutmeg, as well.
- Yeah.
- There's a guy up-state in Hudson - Stop it! - Just for a second.
Listen, it's 10:15, okay? - We're 45 minutes late.
- Late for what? My shot of HCG.
We were supposed to take it at 21:30.
- The vial broke.
- He broke the vial.
- Okay.
Did you call the page operator? - The who? - The page operator.
- Yes.
Yes.
Absolutely.
We called the page operator.
We did that first.
The switchboard was busy.
The switchboard.
We couldn't get through.
Switchboard? There is no switchboard.
This isn't I Love Lucy.
You call, leave a message, and they get right back to you.
I assure you, it happens.
These things happen.
Alright.
Good to see you guys and good luck.
Thank you and we will no longer interrupt you.
Okay.
I wasn't so sad, guys.
I was just surprised is all.
I'm okay.
Yeah.
It's my birthday.
- Are you dialing? - Yes.
I don't know what to say.
Tell them what happened.
Just leave a call-back number.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Hi, my name is Ethan Turner.
- Lisa Turner is my wife.
- Lisa Turner is my wife and Call-back number.
- You can call us at 734-682 - Tell them what happened.
We dropped the vial of HCG.
It's broken.
Supposed to take it at 21:30.
We were supposed to take it at 21:30 and we didn't get to do that.
Thank you very much.
Call us back whenever you can.
Thank you so much.
Call us back as soon as possible.
I am so sorry to interrupt your evening.
That's good, I think.
I mean, where do you even get this stuff? - No, sir! - Please! We just need one minute of your time.
Two minutes! - Open the door! - Lisa - Open the door! - Honey - Open the door! - Sir Honey She's sorry.
She doesn't mean that.
- If you open the door for one minute - God damn it! - What is going on? - Open the door! Come on! Open the door! - Hey! Lisa! - Open the fucking door! - Why aren't you helping me? - Because you're acting crazy.
- What did you just say? - I'm sorry.
- What did you say? - I meant - What did you say? Don't call me crazy.
- Okay.
I won't.
You have no idea what this has been like for me.
It's like having a full-time job that sucks on top of another full-time job that sucks.
If you weren't so busy fine-tuning your masturbation protocol, you wouldn't have dropped the vial! We have no Oxy.
We have no Oxy, do you hear me? - No Oxy.
You understand me? No Oxy! - Sir We don't want Oxy, sir.
HCG.
We want HCG, please.
Sir, please.
It's for fertility.
We're trying to have a baby.
Please, sir! Look, I can't sign back into the system now.
It's all turned off.
I'll suck your dick? I did the math, and, yes, I would suck a dick for $30,000.
That's the conclusion that I came to.
It would be crazy not to.
You know? Oh.
Oh - What? - I missed a call.
How could you miss a call? Well, because we were throwing Coke cans and garbage at a pharmacy! - It was a little loud! - Listen to the message! Listen to it! Who is it? - I'm listening.
- Who is it? I'm trying to hear it.
Lisa, it's Dr - Tell me who it is! - It's Dr.
Trevino.
He's saying to call in the morning to reschedule the retrieval.
- No! - That's what he's saying.
He doesn't understand.
We need to do it now! Please don't offer to suck Felix's dick.
I can't do anything right.
You're mad if I do, you're mad if I don't.
To be clear, I'm not mad if you don't.
- Hey, Felix.
- Smell it first.
- Oh, Jesus Christ.
- No, I'm really sorry.
But we talked to Dr.
Trevino and he said that we have to reschedule.
But I'm going to lose half of my follicles if he does that.
I am genuinely so sorry about this, but, literally, there's nothing I can do.
I know, but I There's got to be something you can do.
- They've been trying for years.
- Everyone tries for years.
Look, every one of these surgeries is tied to a timed shot.
I have another couple who took a shot at 22:00 tonight, another at 22:30, another who did it at 23:00, 23:30 and so on We follow.
And if I reschedule with you, it means another couple loses their chance.
And that's not fair.
I'm the only doctor in this week because Feinstein's out in Montauk.
Look, these are my oldest friends, hun.
Consider this a birthday present to me.
Along with the dinner, which is you know, I'm enjoying.
- Alright.
Yes, of course.
- Oh, my God! Thank you! - Thank you so much.
- Yes, alright.
Please don't cry.
- I know what to do.
Let's go.
- Yes! Thank you.
- What's happening? - The pharmacy's locked.
Yeah, there are prescription drugs in there.
I'll go find Mohammed.
He'll have the key.
Hold on.
It's kind of like a fun caper, right? You know before, when you yelled at me? Which time? When you accused me of not knowing what you're going through.
- That's not what I said.
- It is.
- It's not what I meant! - Look at the Sphinx here.
- Then, what did you mean? - I just I can't believe you don't want to have a child so bad that you would sabotage it.
- You think I broke it on purpose? - Yeah.
- I didn't break it on purpose.
- You didn't, but your subconscious did.
Neither I, nor my subconscious, broke the vial on purpose, okay? You left the needle at Marianne's apartment.
Did you do that on purpose? I didn't You know what? No.
You used to be on board with having a child and now it doesn't seem like you want to do that.
Can you just be honest with me? Be honest with me! - Do you want to have a child? - I don't know! I don't know.
But you do, and I love you, and I want you to get what you want.
That's the only thing that matters to me in the whole world, alright? And I think I broke the stupid shot because I feel like I fail you every time I try anything.
I can't find an apartment, I can't comfort you properly.
I can't even bribe a pharmacist correctly.
- We don't have time for this.
- What? - Oh, my God! No! - Wait! Not the chair.
- I got this.
- Be careful.
There's glass everywhere.
I'll be okay.
I'm wearing shoes.
Oh, right, yeah.
That was awesome! Bingo.
This is a lot of work! - You want to do it? - Toss it here.
Boom! X marks the spot! Yes! We did it! What is wrong with you people? We are going to pay for this.
You live on someone's couch! Hello, I'm Dr.
Feinstein and I'll be doing your retrieval today instead of enjoying my vacation with my family in Montauk.
- Any questions? - No Not really.
But thank you so much.
Nothing makes me happier than seeing my weeping children chasing my car as I come here to help you start your family.
- I think that's sarcasm.
- Okay, Lisa.
I've started your IV.
You're going to feel a warm, pleasant, tingling sensation akin to orgasm, and then off you go to dreamland.
- Okay.
- Thank you so much.
- Boy - Thank you.
Okay, that seemed inappropriate.
Babe, that doctor I'm a little worried he's going to get up there and he's just going to poke around at other stuff.
- He seems really pissed off at us.
- No, baby.
He won't do that.
He's a professional.
I promise you it won't happen.
Hey, good luck, man.
You've got this, okay? You've got this.
- Good luck in the jizz room.
- Okay.
- You jizz it on up in there.
- I'll jizz it out.
Hey, you want a dick pic? No, because if it's you, baby, it's not a dick pic.
- You know what I mean.
- Alright.
Give it here.
Here we go.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
- There you go.
- That's gonna do the trick.
That's the one, babe.
Thank you.
Okay.
- I love you.
- I love you.
Alright.
It's still a very challenging circumference.
Stand it is.
Okay.
Blackmaled.
That's clever.
Alright.
What? And again.
Okay.
The problem is her vaginal cyst.
Oh, my God.
Okay.
Ethan Inject me right in my abdomen.
Ethan Oh, God.
Good afternoon.
Good luck.