Friends with Benefits s01e04 Episode Script

Megan! Megan Harriman! Hey! Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Oh! Oh! Sorry, sorry.
Megan! Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Hey! Megan! Megan! Megan! What.
Megan Harriman.
Whoa! Yeah, we dated for a couple months, then, all of a sudden, boom, no texts, no e-mails, wouldn't even answer her door.
Now I run into her, she gets in a cab and drives off! Maybe she really doesn't want to talk to you.
Man, I gotta get to the bottom of this! Aaron, find me Megan Harriman.
I'm cashing in an e-wish.
A what now? Aaron's got this computer thing.
That you can find any human on earth, but he'll only let each of us use it three times.
Which is totally unfair and arbitrary, by the way.
Well, it's not my fault that you got drunk.
And blew all of yours on Spanish tennis players.
Oh, my mom's here.
Come on, Aaron.
Let's hit it.
Ben can cash in his e-wish later.
Okay, I'm nervous that I'm not gonna remember.
The whole lesbian protocol.
I mean, I know that they say "her-story.
" Does that mean that something is "her-storical"? I mean, do they climb the "her-malayas" and sing "herms" in church? I love lesbians.
I know.
Hey, Christmas at our house was the best.
The Stellas would come over with their dogs, Aunt Julie and Aunt Jane with their dogs, and Grandma Althea and her wife.
We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
I will never ever forget that time when you all had too much eggnog and ran out into the snow naked.
And started making snow angels.
This is fun! I'm so comfortable.
Mama, you had a rockin' body back then.
Hey, I still do.
I've lost ten pounds since last year.
You should see me naked.
- I would love to.
- Mmm.
I don't even think my mom has a naked body.
Oh, man, but she did love to cry in her room.
Anyway Mama, how are the ladies treating you? Not as good as you, I'm sure.
Well, are you, are you seeing anybody? Well, you know how it is.
I haven't seen my mom this unhappy in all my life.
Did you see her face when I mentioned women? Yeah, definite shift.
You think she's lonely? You, you think my mom's lonely? No, I thought that's where you were gonna go, so I was just gonna, like, meet you there.
Man, I should've seen this.
You know, she hasn't dated anybody since she and mom broke up.
I know what to do.
Aaron, we gotta get my mama some ass.
Call every middle-aged lesbian you know.
Wow.
What circles do you think that I run in? - Ooh! - Hmm? Whaddaya think? What are we doin' here? I have a date with this hot eco guy.
You're doing fine up there.
Why are you stressing about this? I really like Derek, and he's a hardcore breast man.
God, it must be nice to find a guy who knows what to do with them.
Most of 'em are just squeezing 'em like they're produce or batting 'em like cat toys.
Or the old classic "tuning in Tokyo.
" Well, Derek's not like that.
He treats them with incredible respect.
Like they're religious artifacts.
Lucky.
Gotta go.
You might wanna tone down your rhetoric.
When you're texting a doctor.
I deal with actual emergencies, in case you forgot.
This is an emergency.
I used my last e-wish to get a GPS lock.
On Megan's cell phone.
- Oh, that's creepy.
- It's super creepy.
Which is why I need you here.
You know, alone, it's stalking, with a buddy, it's like a fun stakeout.
- I'm not having fun.
- Yep, there's Megan.
Okay, come on.
Start jogging.
I'm in jeans.
Come on! Great running session, Sara! We'll be ready for that 10k in no time! Megan? Megan Harriman? Nice wing-manning, chief.
Go get yourself a snow cone.
Wow.
Really? You're still giving me nothing? This is out of control.
I'm sorry.
What's your name? My name?! We dated for almost ten weeks! That's close to my record! And you can't even remember my name? Wow, you have got some nerve, sister.
You don't understand No, I don't understand.
I really liked you, you know? And you disappeared out of nowhere.
So, you know, if you've got an explanation, hey, I'd love to hear it.
I was run over by a truck, and now I have trouble remembering things.
You were run over by a wow.
Um, God, that explains a lot.
Wow! You were hit by a truck? I was hit by a truck?! No, I don't No, wait.
I was hit by a truck.
Oh, cool joke.
So, uh, we dated for ten weeks, huh? Yeah.
I wish I remembered that.
Anyway, how, how are you? Pretty good.
I mean, recently.
Last year I was hit by a truck, so, not a good year.
Not a joke.
Or is it? Three different whaling ships corner this humpback and all we had was a two-man raft.
God, so many people talk about making a difference, but you are actually making a difference.
Well And that turns me on, which makes it all worthwhile.
- Mmm - Mmm You have amazing breasts.
I know, right? Oh! My man, my man, what's up?! Uh! Wow.
So this is a lesbian burlesque club, huh? - Mm-hmm.
- I like it.
Hey, where's your middle-aged lesbian? Okay, I asked my mechanic if she wanted to date your mom, and then she told me she wasn't even gay, and now she's not my mechanic.
Well, hey, don't worry about it, man.
There is plenty of talent in here tonight.
We are gonna have no problem fixing my mom up.
Oh! Hey, mama! I thought it was just going to be just us.
Nope, we are both here, both ready to help you get right back on the lady train.
All "abroad"! Sorry.
Okay, this isn't the best place.
To have this conversation, but I can't put it off anymore.
Julian I am seeing someone.
Oh, my God! What That's fantastic! What's her name? Keith.
Keith? Well, that's a funny name for a woman.
Of course, I do have an Aunt Steven, so No, honey.
Marsha.
Julian, I'd like you to meet Keith.
Uh, good to meet you Keith.
Oh! You're a pre-op.
No.
No, I get that all the time.
No, I'm a man.
A man? Gosh, I wish I didn't have to say that so often.
Having dinner with Megan tonight.
No big deal.
P.
S.
Big deal.
Wow! You really like this girl.
So, dazzle me with your fancy dinner plans.
Mm-mm.
I guess I'll put some pizza in her.
You know, a nice girl like Megan might want more.
Than a slice of meat lover's and X-Men 17 or whatever.
X-Men 17.
(Snorts)If only.
Would it kill you to make an effort for once? Just putting it out there.
You're boring.
Take it sleazy.
Oh, that's a shingle oak.
I spent a weekend chained to one of those last summer.
We were protesting deforestation.
I've been chained to things, too.
But never in protest.
Well, fake protest.
Ooh Well, well, well I know.
Isn't it great.
That breast-feeding in public isn't taboo anymore? Okay, we're still doing this.
God, it's just so damn beautiful.
Look, she's switching! Oh Boy, I'm glad I ran into you.
Oh, me, too.
Thank God for all my jogging, which I do.
I don't really remember dating you last time, but if you're going to take a girl to a nice restaurant, a great show And your rooftop to talk until 5:00 in the morning You're gonna do pretty well for yourself.
This time around.
That sounds like a beautiful date.
I know.
I almost wish we'd actually done some of that stuff.
Wait.
What? Mm! I was planning on showing her a great night, but my boss wanted me to work late, so, you know, I didn't have time to put anything together.
So we just ordered pizza.
And watched Predator 2, you know.
And you told her you took her to dinner and a play? Well, she couldn't remember what we had done, so why not have her think.
It was something super romantic? Ben, do you realize how wrong this is? Wrong.
Very, very wrong.
Although Oh, God, you're gonna justify this.
Well, you know, if she thought.
Some of that stuff happened, who's to say that it didn't? You know, doors of perception, whatever.
Doors of Dude, you're just lazy.
You're right.
You're totally right.
Not gonna happen again.
A spa day, a balloon ride and ice skating? Wow.
I bet I loved it.
Yeah.
You know, it took forever to plan, but it was worth it.
Remind me.
Have we had the conversation.
About how I like to wait a month.
Before I sleep with a guy? Yes, we have, but that was six weeks ago.
Oh.
Okay.
You lied to Megan again? Ugh! Dude.
I know! It's it's working so well.
You know, I have the date I want at night, and then the date she wants in the morning.
Everybody wins.
Listen to me you need to stop this, all right? Putting aside the obvious moral questions, it's encouraging all of your worst impulses: fear of commitment, fear of boredom, intimacy issues disguised as pickiness.
See, Megan doesn't keep a mental ledger of everything.
That's wrong with me.
That's why I'm fake-taking her to the opera tomorrow night, - and why no one fake-takes you anywhere.
- Okay, okay, Ben, I gotta admit, it's getting a little gross.
Aaron, come on.
If the person that you're lying to doesn't know you're lying, is it really lying? Yes.
That's the definition of lying.
Look, lying happens.
It's crazy out there.
You don't know what you're saying.
Yeah, see? I told Derek yesterday that I compost.
I just don't take out my garbage.
Wait, are you still dating boob guy? Yeah.
He's kind of a weirdo.
We're all weirdos.
I don't want to miss out on a great guy.
Just because he has a kink.
I just want to know what the kink is.
Aaron, I need to use your robot thing.
I don't have a robot! Who is telling you this? No, no, the thing from the other day.
You know, the computer wish Dork, whatever.
Okay, the "computer wish dork, whatever" that you're talking about is what the CIA uses to keep us safe.
So let's be a little respectful.
His name is Derek Valentine.
You guys have no discipline.
I don't.
Yeah, I got Facebook, gmail Linkedin.
Nerd.
Uh, I got credit cards, gym membership Oh.
What? Says here he's a member of a group called La Leche League which is a group that advocates breast-feeding babies.
There's nothing wrong with that.
Breast-feeding's a good thing.
Not a lot of single, childless men into it, but, whatever.
He posts a lot on breast-feeding message boards.
And his handle is "the great pump-kin.
" What? I think this guy's a lac-dater.
- What? - He's a feeder.
What? I don't want to describe this anymore.
He wants to latch on to your boobs and make milk come out of them.
- What? - Come on, that was clear! Ugh! I got us reservations at the fanciest new restaurant in town.
Their food is super-tiny.
Ooh, I love an amuse-bouche.
And, uh, don't worry, mama, this place has plenty of high-protein and low-carb options, too.
Actually, honey, I'm doing things a little differently now.
It's all about portion control.
Portion control? Keith's regimen is fun and easy.
And it works, too.
Maybe I should call it "Keith it simple.
" You know what, Keith, take this from a professional trainer Your slogan sucks.
Oh, my God! A blowout? Yep.
No, no, Fitz, Fitz, I used to be a mechanic.
Yeah? Yeah? Well, you know what, my mom used to be a lesbian, okay? So things change, buddy! Julian! You're acting like a child! Nuh-uh! You are.
I did not raise you this way.
Oh, s-so we're gonna do that now? Because, let me tell you, I was raised to believe.
That love was meant to be between one woman and one other woman.
And now here you come and bring this guy into your life.
To burn your fat and-and fix your tires.
You know, I think we all need to de-escalate here.
Don't tell me what I need to do, okay? You are not my mom.
I mean, my dad.
Oh, God, I am so confused.
Do you have a breast feeding fetish? What?! That is insane.
I don't even yes.
Okay.
We can work with this.
Really? I like you.
And, hey, everybody's into some weird stuff.
I mean, who hasn't played "sexy pizza guy" or "slut at the rental car place"? At least you had the guts to admit it.
So How do we start? Well, uh, we could use a pump.
To induce lactation and then we can feed directly.
Gotcha.
Awesome.
Great, I'll go get it.
Wait, why are you taking your shirt off? Oh, um, I thought I was No, no.
Just make yourself comfortable, and I will see if I can get These puppies going.
Okay.
Ooh.
I'm out of here.
Square.
Hey.
Hope you don't mind doing a casual pizza-at-home night for a change.
Not at all.
After the whirlwind dates you've been taking me on, I could use a night in.
I even brought a movie.
What'd you get? What? Battle Royale? Oh, come on, this is the movie where the-the middle-school Japanese kids go to an island, they all kill each other.
Man, I've been wanting to see this ever since I heard it got banned.
That's awesome.
I know, you told me the other day and it seemed so important to you that I didn't want to forget, so I wrote it down.
Man, you are great.
Man, I suck.
What do you mean? You are so awesome, and I'm totally taking you for granted.
You know what, from now on, I'm gonna treat you way better.
- Better? - Mm-hmm.
I don't see how that's possible.
But you're more than welcome to try.
I'm tryin' to tell you somethin' 'bout my life maybe give me insight between black and white Tenth birthday party.
Your mama called, said they're leaving.
Good.
Okay, I don't get it.
Why does this have you so messed up? Look, man, when I was a kid, there were no other guys around.
I only saw men maybe once a month, when we got our propane delivered, and in the men's room at Shakey's.
And my mama always said to me, she said, "Julian, you are the only man in my world.
" But now she went out and got herself another man.
So tell me, Aaron, where does that leave me? Dude, my parents have sued each other eight times.
My mother embezzled from my nursery school.
My father might Might have killed our housekeeper.
Okay, so it's a little difficult for me to feel sorry for you when the only thing that you have to do is accept the fact.
That your sweet mother, who loves you, has found someone that makes her happy.
I've just I've always been the man.
Fitz, there is no universe in which you are not the man.
Oh, what, honey? Marsha: I'm a pretty princess! Oh! Yes, you are! Oh, look at that.
Yeah.
Julian, what are you doing here? How did you find us? Uh, Aaron zoomed in on your satellite dish.
Anyway, I came here to say something to you, and to Keith.
Is he here? Keith! Hey.
Oh, the-the mask is just for sleep, not for sex play.
That would be an entirely different mask.
Now, what is it? I came here to say that You've given me the world, mama, and lately I have been acting like I deserve that.
But truth is, the truth is you deserve it.
You know, you deserve to be happy.
And if this weird little dude right here.
Is what makes you happy, then God bless.
I'm actually average Five-eight, but I appreciate the sentiment.
Oh, come here, you.
Thank you, Julian.
I thought we already saw Fences.
We did.
You know, but you said you wanted to see it again.
You're the best.
You know what, let's make this a night we never forget.
Or that you don't, anyway.
Right.
Megan.
Hey, I'm home.
Who's this? Oh, no, not again.
Where's your cell phone? I have a cell phone? I text you every hour to remind you that we're together.
Together? Wow.
Who are you? I'm Steve.
I'm her fiancé.
I'm engaged?! Okay, why should she believe you? Huh? How do we know you're not just some guy she used to date.
Who's taking advantage of her memory problem? - Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
Megan, look at the bottom of your right foot.
Creep.
Okay, let's just go.
That's disgusting.
Thanks, but we're gonna, um Oh, right! Steve! Baby, I am so sorry.
Megan, what, so I'm just out? Hey, I thought we had something.
I thought so, too, but according to.
The bottom of my right foot, I'm with him, so This isn't fair.
You were sleeping with my fiancée.
The fact that you're walking out of here with your teeth is more than fair.
In fact, I don't think you are gonna walk out of here with your teeth! Whoa, whoa, wait, wait.
Megan, take off your left shoe.
I think that you'll find So are things really over with Megan? Well, she's getting married in ten days, so I think we're at least on a break.
Sorry it didn't work out.
Yeah.
Well, that's not really true.
What you were doing was kind of creepy.
But your heart was in the right place.
Although, that's not really true either.
Oh, come on! Give me something here.
Okay.
You didn't totally ruin her life.
There.
That's pretty much all I got.
I mean, it's crazy how one moment can change everything for you.
You know, I mean, what would my life be like.
If my head was run over by a truck? Yeah.
Would it really be all that different? Yeah, who we kidding? Eighth birthday, Lincoln Park.
Hey, man, that bird just pooped on your cake.
That's hilarious.
You should submit that to America's funniest Man, what's happening? Who is that monster chasing that poor pigeon? That's my mom.
She's lying.
I'm gonna be sick.