Friends with Better Lives (2014) s01e04 Episode Script

1 Last night was fantastic.
So was this morning.
It was like you had four hands.
Like you were everywhere at the same time.
Like some kind of sex magician.
I abraca-did-ya.
Well, I had a great time.
Me, too.
So will that be cash or check? You slept with a prostitute?! By accident.
So, your vagina swerved and crashed into his penis? It was a simple miscommunication.
Remember, I told you I had that blind date last night? - Hi.
Are you - Are you Katherine? It's Kate, actually, but You look like Brad Pitt and smell like firewood, so you can call me Lisa for all I care.
It looked like he was waiting for a blind date.
How was I supposed to know he was waiting for a client? Why did you pay him? I don't shoplift dong.
You want to know the greatest indignity? He left his card on my pillow like it was a hotel mint.
Ooh.
- "Handy Randy.
" - God, I'm so embarrassed.
I just want to forget this whole thing ever happened.
We will never, ever speak of this again.
Understood.
Absolutely.
But first, can you tell us everything? Bring it in.
Well, guys, it's official.
My divorce is final.
Congratulations! To the newly liberated Dr.
Will Stokes.
All the fun with half the assets.
You know, it's actually less than half.
I mean, she got the house, the car, the dog Let's call it half.
To half! Ooh, you guys, look, it's a shimmering essence commercial.
I have an audition for their new campaign.
Babe, this is your hair's big break.
And to think, I was completely bald for the first 18 months of my life.
See that? It's like a real rags to riches story.
What is that? You've got a rat, mate.
A bloody big one, too.
I-I have a thing about rats.
Rodents are the natural consequence of having children.
Filthy, filthy children.
Making you the godmother was clearly the right choice.
- It's in the walls! - It's under the floor.
I'm leaving.
Oh, no.
I forgot my coat and it's gotten all cold out.
Borrow mine.
I won't need a jacket when the rat eats my arms.
Lovely.
Ah, it's got that delicious Will smell.
All right, that's it.
I'm putting all my fruit roll-ups in a ziploc bag.
Guys, please remember, when you catch our little friend, be humane, all right? Release him into the woods.
- Absolutely.
- In the woods.
- I'm gonna kill that thing.
- He's done.
All right, I'll call an exterminator.
No, no, no, no.
Those guys are total scammers.
Oh, no, Bobby, please don't start with the scammers.
It's true.
Three guys show up in a van, one to sell us an overpriced monthly warranty, two to case the joint for a robbery.
No, thanks.
I will buy some traps.
Bing, bang, boom, it's handled.
Like you bing-bang-boomed the leaky faucet? Hey, the plumber said what I did made it and I quote "No worse.
" Guys, good news.
Me and my hair got a callback for the shimmering essence commercial.
All right.
- Yep, all I have to do is nail one line.
- Oh, that's great.
What's the line? - Mmm, okay, get ready.
"It's in my hair.
" What'd you think? - Fine.
- Good.
Okay, what'd you really think? - Bad.
- Not good.
- All right, what was wrong with it? - Honestly, - it was too casual.
- I disagree.
I think it was too stiff.
I'm with Will.
It's like you had hair, but you didn't actually care that you had hair.
No.
It needs some flavor.
What if you do it with a British accent? Like, "'Ello, Guv'nor, it's in me 'air.
" Hey! Now you've totally freaked my hair out.
Do you guys think it's weird that Lowell's still wearing my jacket? Why? You lent it to him.
For a night.
Now it's the next day and he's still wearing it.
It's outrageous.
You go into a situation thinking it's one thing and, the next thing you know, your wallet is empty and you can't look at yourself in the mirror.
Why don't you just ask for the jacket back? He shouldn't have to, all right? The lendee should return the item to the lender without being asked.
It's the social contract.
All right, guys.
Here you go.
Will wants his jacket back.
What? Bobby, what are you I don't I I'm not in I don't e Oh, I'm sorry, mate.
I spent the night at Jules'.
I didn't have a change of clothes.
Here, let me give it back.
Lowell, Lowell, don't.
Come on.
It's cold.
I'm not gonna take the clothes off your back.
Just return it after work.
Leave it on the porch.
If-if you're in the neighborhood.
Before 10:00.
Doesn't this thing ever sleep? He's, like, training for a decathlon.
Yes! I got you, you son of a bitch! Huh? Huh? Okay, okay.
You said that you'd handle it and you totally delivered.
I'm sorry that I doubted you.
You should be sorry 'cause I just Oh, he's not dead.
He's trying to free himself.
Calm down, calm down.
Give it a minute.
It has been over an hour.
I-I can't stand to hear him suffer.
Please do something.
It's in its death throes.
It's gonna be over any second.
There.
It stopped.
See? I told you once, I told you a thousand times It escaped.
We didn't kill it.
We just pissed it off.
This is why normal people call an exterminator.
Please.
Call one.
Absolutely not.
I can deal with this on my own.
Yeah, key phrase being "on your own" because I can't stay here.
I'm taking the baby to Kate's.
Unless you want to use him as bait.
Very funny.
But that rat will be gone by the time you get home tomorrow.
I promise.
I will be wearing his pelt as a trophy! Oh.
Thank you so much for letting us have the big room.
So this is where you did it with the prostitute.
Really? In front of the kid? Oh, please.
He's heard much worse.
So, how are you holding up? I'm full of wine and shame.
So you slept with a hooker by accident.
I mean, we've all been there.
I mean, not "we" but you.
I just I can't stop thinking about it.
Well, what are you gonna do? You can't un-sleep with him.
No.
But I can un-pay for it.
Right? Think about it.
The only thing that makes him a hooker is the fact that I paid him.
But if I get my money back, then he's just some hot guy I slept with on Saturday night.
This has really taken over your life, hasn't it? I can't stop showering.
Aha.
I figured this might be your base of operations.
Kate, right? - Mm-hmm.
- Um, I only have cash for one of you.
Does the threesome cost extra? You couldn't afford me.
I have to speak to you.
Now's not a Good time.
I want my money back.
What? No way.
The sex trade is a no-refund business.
Well, that's just it.
I didn't realize this was a business arrangement.
I thought I was on a date.
There's no way I could ever date you.
You are way too high maintenance.
Excuse me? "Rub me, watch me, flip me.
" My God, it never ends.
Give me my money back or I will call the police and incessantly stalk you and tell all your clients you have crabs! I That was my Mazda payment this month.
All right, wait, wait.
Maybe I could work it off.
How? - Finger fun in the bathroom? - No! Nothing sexual! What else can you do? I don't know.
So, boning.
Boning is all you do.
Well, I used to do handiwork.
That's how I got the name "Handy Randy.
" Okay, well, I have a bunch of odd jobs I need done around my apartment, so you can work off what I paid you, and then we will call what happened "Consensual sex between two non-paying parties.
" Okay, fine.
Deal.
Great.
I will call you with times that work for me.
She was also my ride.
Use your thumb.
I know you can.
I feel like Bruce Willis, crawling through the air ducts trying to save everyone at Nakatomi Plaza.
Bruce Willis walked barefoot through broken glass.
You have pillows tied around your shins.
It's because I'm thinking like a rat.
If I'm a rat, I run straight up the pant leg and make a beeline for the balls.
What do you think Bruce Willis would do if someone took his jacket? Seriously? Still, with the jacket? He didn't return it! He said he would return it, and he did not.
I checked the porch five times.
Is it possible that you're upset about this jacket because Lowell looks better in it than you do? I'm gonna pretend you didn't say that.
Oh, my God, there he is! I see him! He's huge! All right, I'm gonna flush him through the vent.
Wait, no! I'm at the vent! Hit him with the broom! Hit him with the broom! I forgot the broom! Repeat.
I do not have the broom! I didn't get him.
All right, guys, I've been working on this non-stop, and I finally think I got it.
Ready? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
It's in my hair.
I want it in my hair.
Me, too.
I'll take some.
Oh.
Okay, wish me luck.
Hey, good luck, babe.
Can you believe that guy? Not only did he not return my jacket.
He's wearing it.
Again.
I'm saying something.
No.
Hey, he's a real piece of work.
You got to beat him at his own game.
I'm listening.
You borrow something of his, and then, when he asks for it back, hold it ransom until he returns the jacket.
Wow.
Plotting comes so easily to you.
Yeah, well, I'm too old to play with dolls.
Handy Randy, huh? Yeah, he's my handyman.
He's doing some work around my place.
Hi.
Randy, it's Kate.
Just calling about tomorrow.
I will see you at 9:00 A.
M.
Don't be late, or else.
Wow.
You ride your handyman hard.
You have no idea.
Hey, coffee on the house, guys? We're sampling an exquisite new African bean that was harvested from mongoose dung.
You're serving booze now, right? Yeah.
Then I'll always have that.
Hey, Lowell, I like your sunglasses.
Do you mind if I try them on? Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure thing, mate.
- Wow.
- Right? Will, those look great on you.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Lowell, would you mind if I borrow? You should keep them.
What? No.
You know how sometimes you buy things that are clearly meant for someone else? No, I'm just glad they found their rightful owner you.
That shifty, shifty bastard.
He turned the social contract on its head! Now you have sunglasses you don't want instead of the jacket you do.
Exactly.
And I lied.
Those look ridiculous on you.
God, this poo coffee's got to go.
I've called, like, a dozen contractors.
None of them can make it till at least Monday.
Andi's coming home this afternoon.
- I can't let her see the ceiling.
- You're in luck.
Kate was just talking about her handyman.
You should call him, see if he's available.
She seemed very enthusiastic about him.
Hey, well, I have no choice but to hire someone.
This guy better not try to ream me.
Handy Randy? - Bobby, right? - Yes.
Thank you for coming so quickly.
Really got to get this taken care of before my wife gets home.
If I had a nickel for every time I heard that.
All right, so, uh, you want to get started? Yeah, well, just to warn you, it's a pretty big hole.
I'm sure I've seen bigger.
I got to tell you, I've had a hard time getting a guy up there.
Well, I'm your man.
Okay, well, want to follow me in the bedroom? Wherever you want a rodeo, boss.
So you think it'll be dry up there by the time my wife gets home? I guess that depends on when we finish.
She's a bit of a neat freak so try not to get any on the bed.
Hmm.
Challenge accepted.
Have you guys started yet? Randy, this is my partner, Will.
And roommate.
And your wife's okay with this? She wasn't at first, but she's coming around.
Do you mind if I watch? I want to learn from an expert so next time maybe I can help Bobby out myself.
If Bobby's cool with it.
Oh, if you promise not to hop around and squeal like you did last time.
Hey, last time, you took me by surprise.
All right, this time, I'm ready for it.
So, where are your tools? I only need one.
Let's see it.
What was that?! I don't know.
Well, why did you push me in front of you?! I'm sorry, but when that thing was coming at me, it was every man for himself.
Hey, did you guys know there's a giant rat up there?! I'll tell you one thing.
I do not think that guy was a handyman.
Hey, guys, I brought wine.
You slept with a male prostitute.
Well, it took a while, but I got all of them.
Them? Yeah, she had babies.
Lots of 'em.
They're really small, too.
I mean, they can get in anywhere.
Okay, what do I owe you? Well, there's the flat fee for the visit, labor and materials.
Of course, there's no guarantee they won't come back, so I'd recommend purchasing our Monthly warranty plan.
We'll take it.
Thank you.
Go ahead and say it.
Say what? If I had hired a professional in the first place, we would have spent less money and had a lot less of a headache.
Plus, you wouldn't have almost had sex with a man-whore.
I guess I just wanted to feel like I can take care of things.
Of course you can take care of things.
You're an excellent husband and father and doctor.
Even though you almost slept with a man-whore.
Good news.
Got the shimmering essence commercial.
Bad news tried shimmering essence.
I'm gonna use it to stuff a dream pillow.
There's plenty of it all over my jacket.
Actually, it's my jacket.
I lent it to you, and you've decided to keep it, which is a total violation of the social contract.
Hey, whoa, there, mate Don't "Whoa, mate" me, okay? I am tired of people thinking they can just take my stuff.
My house, my car, my dog, my jacket.
You're just like my ex-wife.
And, yes, I realize what I just said.
Oh, my God, I'm having an epiphany! No, this is good, mate.
Let out the poison.
All right, I will! That's it, it's out! Looks like someone could use a little bit of hug therapy.
Get here.
Come on.
Yeah, yeah.
Still really want my jacket back.
What is that? Lowell left it on the porch yesterday.
I must have forgotten to mention it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, no.
I liked yours so much, I had to get one for myself.
Did you think I've had yours this whole time? I saw a strange penis today.
I think all the rats are probably gone.
Oh, totally, I'm sure of it.
Just a few more nights.