Fun at the Funeral Parlour (2001) s01e04 Episode Script

1 (HORN BEEPING) Come on, you silly coot.
Get moving! Sit on my dirty finger, a-hole! Right, that's it.
Aye, come on, you Nazi bastard.
I'll teach you.
- Oh! - Oh, good God! (SCREAMING) (SNIFFLING) (TELEPHONE RINGING) Mission to Moscow! (SIGHING) I must stop eating Dairylea before bed.
Oh, yes.
Iechyd da, Thomas, Thomas Yeah? Yeah.
(EXCLAIMS) (LAUGHING EXCITEDLY) Oh, brilliant! When? Yesterday afternoon? Oh, aye.
How? Blew up? Oh, great! Aye.
Okay, Ernie, I'll send the boys around in a bit, then.
Yeah.
Ta-ra.
(BELL RINGING) - Iechyd da.
- Iechyd da.
What's happened? Old Breckon Davies, blown up in a car mistake yesterday afternoon.
(IVOR CHUCKLING) They tried to save him, but the TCP and Savlon didn't work.
Oh, that's the best news I ever heard.
Breckon Davies was a mean bugger.
Never forget the time he hit me in the face with a spade.
I was only nine years old.
I didn't know the difference between right and wrong at that age.
Right and wrong? Percy, you shat through his letter box and pissed on his carrots.
I don't blame him for twatting you with his spade.
Yeah, but you were the one who paid me to do it.
Yeah, well, you know, he owed me a lot of money, didn't he? I organised his first wife's funeral back in 1979.
Money was no object, he said.
Well, as it turned out, the money really was no object.
'Cause it never bloody appeared, did it? Ooh, he was a 150% tight-arse.
So what happened to his first wife? Well, now then, his first wife was a dinner lady at the local school.
- And one day, she slipped on a chip.
- And that killed her? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Her pancreas exploded, quack, like that.
A dead one.
Yeah, old Breckon spent the next 20 years of his life knitting jumpers, winning lots of money in the pools and watching Teletext, page 504.
What a life.
Anyway, then he met Edith, who was also a big knitter.
She owned the wool shop in the town.
People say that she married him for his money.
But I reckon he married her for her wool.
She had some of the best mohair in Wales.
So, do we have to go and get the body now, then? Ah, ah.
Now, then, I better prepare you.
Dirty Ernie down the morgue says that he's burnt to a crisp, right.
Unrecognisable.
Apparently, he looks like the English Patient's ugly brother.
So, how did they identify the body, then? By his arsehole, I just told you.
He had the tightest one in Wales, man.
Two millimetres in diameter.
Right.
Now, Edith Davies is coming round to see me in half an hour, so, um I better go and floss up.
And you, boys, battle stations.
ALL: Battle stations.
IVOR: Again! ALL: Battle stations.
Good, now bugger off! I hope you don't mind me coming around at this hour, it's just I wanted to get everything sorted.
Oh, don't worry.
So, Mrs Davies What can I do for your old money-grabbing, burned-up old bastard of a husband? So, Mrs Davies, what can I do for your husband? Well, his last wish was to be cremated and sprinkled on a secret lagoon at the peak of the Brecon Beacons, where the trout roam free.
And that is how I would like him to go.
He also wanted a tree planted in his memory, a mountain ash, rowan.
That is a beautiful thought.
It will also make a great day out for all involved.
Packed lunch, a few packs of crisps, box of faggots.
Ideal.
But I'm afraid it will cost you, mind.
Money is no object.
(LAUGHING) Hold up, now, hold up.
I've heard that before.
- I'll give you £5,000 cash.
- Done.
I want everything to be perfect, mind.
I'm paying you a lot of money, and I don't want anything to go wrong.
Oh, no, no, no, no, it won't, I assure you.
No, I've got a team of first-class undertakers who take great pride in what they do.
And they will make sure that your husband gets the scattering he deserves.
(GRUNTING) Oh, come on, Arwell, lift the bastard, you big toy prick.
Breckon! Hello, miss.
(VOMITING) (SOBBING HYSTERICALLY) (GRUNTING) We nearly lost £5,000, thanks to you three puffin bollocks.
It won't happen again, Da.
Frigging A, it won't.
Where were your senses? Why are you shaking all funny? I've told you, I've got a cough.
I mean I'm feeling a bit "gaseous clay".
Yeah, but when you saw the body, you threw a wobbly.
That wasn't a wobbly, it was the bubble wrap.
It reminded me of something in the womb.
Anyway, why was he in bubble wrap? That's because Gwynne forgot to get black bags when I sent him down the SPAR.
How many times have I told you not to let Gwynne out alone? He brings home strangers, and he cracks his head open on the kerb.
And there's no more room left in there for another metal plate.
Right.
Do you all know what you've gotta do? Yes, we've gotta drive up the Brecon Beacons, find this lake thing, plant a tree, make sure everything's ready for the service tomorrow.
Right.
Now, I'll bring the mourners up after the cremation, and I'll meet you at the lake to scatter the ashes.
Now, everything should go according to plan.
That is, if you three fart arses don't mess up.
- We won't.
- Where is this secret lake? It's a bloody secret, you rotten kidney! But it's rumoured to be at the very peak of the mountain, so it shouldn't be too hard to find.
Now, I've bought a couple of these magnetic clocks.
Not only do they stick to the fridge but they also tell you where north is, so you shouldn't get lost.
Right, come on, get your skates on.
Don't you think that hiking boots would be more appropriate? ARWELL: We better find a mountain ash so we're gonna have to stop off at a nursery on the way.
Oh, great, babies.
Right.
I have the special magnetic clock.
And it isthataway.
You sure you know which way you're going? Technology knows, I have the clock.
Right.
Come on, Gwynne, you sav, keep up.
We haven't got all day.
(GWYNNE WHEEZING) We're lost.
This is rubbish.
Technology is an arse.
Gwynne, will you stop wheezing like a beached porpoise? Oh, no, he's having an attack.
No, he's not.
He's just trying to get attention.
Something is very wrong.
No, look, I know his game.
He always tries this when he has to use himself.
That's why I confiscated this.
That'll learn him.
Oh, no, we're lost! What are we gonna do? Listen, hold on.
Be calm, think.
I wonder what Brian Blessed would do in this situation? - What? - Brian Blessed.
You know, big booming Brian.
If a mountain was a country, he'd be its king.
Look.
(ARWELL SHUSHING) I'm thinking about Brian Blessed.
No, no, there's somebody over there.
There's a man.
He might be able to help us.
Brian Blessed disagrees.
Will you stop going on about bloody Brian Blessed? Hello.
Hello.
Can you help us? We're lost.
ARWELL: I don't like the look of him.
He's a bit weird.
He might be a cannibal or something.
PERCY: Don't be silly, he's all right.
Hello, sir, we are lost, and I was wondering if you could help us.
Yes, yeah.
Oh, yes, yes.
Hello, my name is Malcolm, Malcolm Rott.
But you can call me by my nature name of Nutkins.
- And you are? - Percy, Percy Thomas.
How do you do? How do you do? - And you are? - Arwell.
How do you do? How do you do? And he is? - That's Gwynne.
- And how does he do? Not too good at the moment.
At first, we thought he was feigning a mental attack, but he's not clever enough to keep a joke up that long.
So now we think he might be dead.
Well, I tell you what, I got some medical abilities.
Let me have a look at him.
Oh, no, he's definitely still alive, but we need to get him back to my place.
Give us a hand here.
I've got some medicinal herbs and shit like that back there.
MALCOLM: That's it, up he comes.
ARWELL: So you just left? Yes, no possessions, no belongings, just me and nature.
Beautiful.
The fresh air is my wine, the green grass, like a sort of carpet.
I even got myself tattooed like a tiger.
(GROWLING) - What for? For camouflage? - No, I just got bored.
It gets boring very quickly up here.
Right, here we are.
Excuse the mess, I haven't had time to tidy up.
I don't get very many visitors.
Come along in.
MALCOLM: Now, remember it's a cave, not a palace.
It's very simple in here.
Hold on! I thought you were fed up with the trappings of modern society, and gave up all your possessions.
I did, but after about 20 minutes, I got bloody bored.
I thought, "Sod it, I'll spoil myself.
" You know, being a hermit is not all it's cracked up to be, especially if you live like one.
You never see anyone, you don't go to the pictures, you live like a total recluse, and I hate it.
So why don't you just go home, then? Well, look at me.
With these tattoos, I'd look a right tit.
Yeah, I see what you mean.
You make yourselves at home, I'll pop the kettle on.
Cup of tea and biscuits, or coffee? Cup of tea and biscuits, please.
Yes, cup of tea and biscuits, please.
- There you go, cup of tea and biscuits.
- PERCY: Nice.
Shouldn't we see to Gwynne? Oh, yeah, let me take a closer look.
Yes, he's definitely still in there.
But I shall have to stick my hand up his arse.
Percy, be a love and pop into the kitchen and get me some butter, would you? Why do you have to do that? Well, for lubrication.
No, I mean, why do you have to put your hand up his botty? Oh, no reason.
I just thought it would be fun.
Shouldn't we pump his heart and give him mouth-to-mouth? I suppose so.
Yes, good idea.
Have you got a pump? - Well, I've got one for a dinghy.
- That'll do fine.
Right.
I'll pump, you punch him in the chest.
PERCY: Okay.
No, harder.
Harder.
Look.
Bastard.
PERCY: Oh, ay! There she blows! Oh, hello.
We'd given you up for dead.
(BELCHING) I feel sick.
Oh, it's great to have you back.
(DOORBELL RINGS) Oh, that'll be Packham and Strachan.
- Hello, lads.
- Hi.
What are you doing out so late? Well, I just got a bit bored.
You know, Monday evening, nothing on TV.
Only Watchdog, boring.
So I thought I'd pop round with a few DVDs.
Oh, lovely, what you got? ARWELL: What's DVD stand for? I don't know, but I know a man who died of it.
Poor old sod.
I thought DVD was what people who can't pronounce their vowels call David.
(ARWELL LAUGHING) Stands for Digital Versatile Disc.
Most people think it stands for Digital Video Disc, but it doesn't.
Right.
Percy, Arwell, Gwynne, this is Packham and Strachan.
My two best friends and hermits.
They live next door, in the next-door cave.
- Hi, everyone.
- BOTH: Iechyd da.
Right, then, who's for dinner? So, anyway, right, she comes in, 'cause she wants to see her husband's body, right? Now, what she doesn't know is that her husband died on the job, and he still had an erection.
(LAUGHING) Yes.
- So I had to explain to her that - A what? - An erection.
- What's one of those? Good, yes.
- So, anyway, I had to explain to her that - No, honestly, what's a "nerection"? (LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO) Is he serious? PERCY: Come on, you must know, man.
A stiffy, a rock-on, daddy's lighthouse.
When Dr Jones is turgid and reaching for the moon.
- No, you've lost me now.
- Me too.
Oh, well, it doesn't matter.
The story wasn't true, anyway.
Right, who's for liqueurs? - Oh, yes, please.
- Brilliant, yes.
There's one, look! There, look, it's a good one, too.
Look! Well done, sir.
Actually, we better forget the liqueurs.
It's getting late and we haven't found this lake yet.
Unfortunately, I'm no expert when it comes to orienteering.
I've never climbed Everest, like Brian Blessed.
Blessed? - What have you heard about Brian Blessed? - Sorry? - What do you know about "The Blessed"? - Nothing.
I was just making a point.
Hermits, kitchen.
There it is again, look.
Nice one.
Gentlemen, if you'll excuse us.
Something is very wrong.
Don't be so paranoid.
They're perfectly decent people.
Now, eat your After Eights and shut up.
They know something.
I agree with Nutkins.
They're from the authorities.
They've come to put us away.
We must dispose of them.
- Packham's right, let's eat them.
- No.
I'm really full up.
Besides, I have a better plan.
They could be our way back home.
Did you see their clothes? They're perfect.
We could steal them, dress up nice and smart, return to normality again and stop living like pikeys.
But what about him? He must be executed.
But first, we must eradicate the town people.
Gentlemen, if you would like to finish up, we will escort you to the lake.
- Oh, thank you, thank you.
- Now! ARWELL: But we've been round here loads of times.
How much further is it? MALCOLM: Oh, we're nearly there.
Don't worry.
It's just over that next hill, there.
Oh, look.
Look over there.
It's Bob the Builder.
Quick, get them! (ALL CLAMOURING) MALCOLM: Come on.
Get their clothes off! PACKHAM: Right, are we going to hollyoak them? MALCOLM: Well, maybe later.
Let's get the Ooh.
I'll have the big one.
Go on.
(ALL GRUNTING) PACKHAM: Get the trousers.
I've got the trousers.
ARWELL: Stop! Get him again! Go on! Okay, everyone.
This way, follow me.
She had four packets of biscuits yesterday, and that's row six straight.
- Who? - Carol, at work, she doesn't stop eating the things.
- She said to me, she said, "You got puffy eyes.
" - Oh, really? Maggie at work, she's 50.
She's married to a younger chap.
Nothing to look at, mind, but that's beside the point.
She's nice, though, but that's beside the point.
A row seven, right? That security guard at work, Dennis, he's 65.
He's been married twice.
Nice chap.
Nothing to look at, mind.
He's going bald, but that's beside the point.
Anyway A row eight He's got a son, Tom's age.
He's working over at Ford's but that's beside the point Why say it, then? - What? - All that irrelevant stuff.
If something is beside the point, just don't say it.
Cut it out of your mind before you pass it on.
Oh, you miserable bugger, you.
Anyway, Dennis, he's 65, he's nothing to look at He's bald.
He's got a son, Tom, who works at Ford's.
I know, you just told us that.
Get on with it, woman.
You are winding me up.
Will someone tell him? Well, you do tend to go round the houses a bit.
- Yes.
- Yes.
Fuck you all, then.
Quick, get up.
Get up.
Get up.
Get up.
Percy, where are your clothes? Crikey! Where are my clothes? Double crikey! Where are Gwynne's clothes? - Those freaks nicked them, and all of our stuff.
- How? - They must have drugged us.
- No.
They could've done anything while we were asleep.
They might have hollyoaked us.
No, don't be daft.
Now, look, we're gonna have to get some clothes.
How? We're at the top of the Brecon Beacons.
We're hardly likely to find a C&A round here, are we? You're right, let me think.
I got it.
Let's just run away.
(CHUCKLING) Excellent.
We finally found some clothes that fit.
Today is the day we've been waiting 16 years for.
Today is the day we can go home.
And we've stolen enough money for our tattoo-removal laser treatment.
Our mission is finally accomplished.
Okay, let's kill the bearded one.
- MALCOLM: Damn.
He's gone.
- He's escaped.
(GROWLING) (FLASH'S THEME BY QUEEN PLAYING) Vultan! Don't worry, lads.
Brian's coming to the rescue! (YELLING) Onwards and upwards! I'm coming, lads.
Flash Gordon forever! We're about half a mile away.
We're naked, we've been robbed, we're lost, no lake, no tree.
We really cocked this one up, boys.
Now I know how Martin Clunes felt in Staggered.
Wish I knew what Brian Blessed would do in this predicament.
Oh, Blessed, Blessed, Brian bloody Blessed.
Will you stop going on about Brian bloody Blessed! He's the last person who can save us now.
Squadron! - BLESSED: Dive! - It's Brian Blessed.
Dive, lads.
(BRIAN CHUCKLING) At your service, the fighting coastguard.
I've just escaped from those brutes.
I mean, they kept me captive for six weeks.
But I sorted them out, eh? The old one-two.
And now I'm free.
Free, free, like the Hawkman.
I don't believe it.
It's true, so you better believe it.
- Where did you come from? - That cave.
I mean, those crazy tools.
I mean, they kidnapped me whilst I was on a trek, filming for my new series for the BBC entitled Blessed Are The Peaks, yes.
They tortured me and everything.
And as for the camera crew Oh, dear, dear, dear, I mean Incidentally, what did they taste like? I'm sorry, I don't understand.
- Well, you ate them last night for dinner.
- Oh, no.
Oh, God, that's horrible.
It wasn't horrible, it was lovely.
Tasted like chicken.
Apart from the sausages.
Tasted like piss.
Yes, uh, Brian, tell me, how did they torture you? Oh, they tied me to a chair, they clamped open my eyes and they made me look at horrible, painful movies on the TV.
- Which ones? - Cheap, porn imitations of my great classic, Flash Gordon.
I mean, lacklustre on laughs, and small on excitement.
I mean, very small.
Entitled Flesh Gordon.
I mean, it completely drove me insane.
It was awful, awful.
I mean, they made a sequel to it.
I mean, can you believe that? They made a sequel to it.
I mean, they never made a sequel to Flash Gordon, did they? I mean, we left it open, and everything.
I mean, you remember the end? Don't you remember the end, that marvellous end? There was the evil emperor, Ming's ring, glowing.
And then it said, "The end", and then a question mark, and then his evil laughter.
(MIMICKING EVIL LAUGHTER) You see, we left it open.
I mean, why don't they make a sequel? I mean, I'm not bitter or anything.
I just feel sorry for Sam J Jones.
Tell me, Brian, did they feed you? Nothing but Battenburg cake.
I hate Battenburg cake! I mean, it's horrible.
I mean, it smells of marzipan.
Horrible, horrible.
I mean, it's horrible.
I mean, marzipan.
I can't stand marzipan.
It makes me feel sick.
Oh, and that was rather like my performance in The Phantom Menace as Boss Nass in Star Wars.
Have you seen it? Would you like it again? Yes.
And by the way, those berks, they ate my month's supply of Kendal Mint Cake.
I mean, regurgitated it, and then fed it to the great mountain being, Hopkins.
Hopkins, you know? I mean, he owns this land as far as a partially sighted eye can see.
Listen, I'd love to talk all day, but aren't we forgetting one serious problem? Oh, that reminds me.
I have something that I think that you boys want.
All hail Blessed! You brought our clothes.
- We're saved.
We're saved! - Actually, no.
I brought this.
IVOR: This way.
- They're coming, they're coming.
- Oh, God, what are we gonna do? I got it.
There, won't know the difference.
Gwynne, you mumpy pox bucket.
Hey, no, no, wait, wait.
I've got an idea.
- Well, what is it? - Just carry on and behave normally.
Back in a minute.
Yes, trust in me.
Oh, I wish I had wings.
Then I could fly! (FLASH'S THEME BY QUEEN PLAYING) (YELLING) Come on, Vultan.
IVOR: Come on, come on.
Keep up.
BRIAN: Oh, hello there! - Are you here for the funeral? - ALL: Yes.
Well, I'm a friend of the deceased, and there's something I think you ought to know.
Yes, please, come with me, this way.
I'll explain.
Now, it's about your husband.
Yes.
What's going on down there? - What's he saying? - I don't know.
But we're gonna need a miracle to get out of this one.
Come on.
Boys! - What? Da, look - Arwell, not now.
Oh, hello, miss.
This nice man, Brian Blessed, told us that my husband was a naturist early on in his life.
And it was one of his last requests that everyone respected it.
I'm glad to see that you have complied.
Oh, yes, indeed, I mean, your husband and I were very good friends a long, long time ago.
I mean, we frequently went naked together.
He was a very fit man, your husband.
Right.
Well, shall we all get naked, then? The lake's just over there.
- Brian, will you join us? - Well, I've got nothing else better to do.
I mean, I was due to make a special appearance on The Krypton Factor in UK Gold, but seeing as how poor, dear Gordon Burns is no longer with us, then I've got time on my hands.
What do you mean? - Gordon Burns isn't dead.
- What? Gordon's alive? I don't believe it! I'm sorry.
I must go, I must go, I must go.
I can feel my wings sprouting.
Ah, well, who wants to live forever? And, Biro, keep your head down.
Farewell.
Dive, my Hawkmen! Brian Blessed.
ALL: # Saviour of the universe # Who wants to live forever, eh? Flash Gordon forever! Vultan! Dive, lads.
Why don't they make a sequel? Gordon's alive?