Funny or Die Presents... (2009) s01e04 Episode Script

Look at these dopes.
Spit on them, Jay.
Go ahead.
I'm sorry your mom got bit by a bird and now she's dead and we're stuck living in this house together, okay? That's not the way I pictured it going.
Booty call, motherfucker.
I'm gonna get some Who are you? I'm sorry, I'm nobody You're the devil, and I'm gonna kill you.
Hello, have you noticed that the world of computers and the world of television are slowly becoming one? At Funny or Die we're leading that charge.
By busting up the unions, by underpaying our talent and by focusing solely on our profit margins we've added to a climate where traditional TV simply cannot compete.
Will this be good for television? Who cares? As long as I get mine.
But what about you, the unemployed reprobate sitting around in your greasy sweatpants watching hours and hours of quality television? More than likely you'll turn to cheaper and cheaper forms of vulgar entertainment like what you're about to see.
No one's happy about this, but there's just not a lot we can do.
So deal with it.
Tonight, on the Funny or Die Network: From Rob Riggle and Paul Scheer it's Episode 2 of "Designated Driver.
" And from Tim and Eric, a short film: "Father and Son.
" Man, I'm drunk.
You gotta come pick my ass up.
Go, move, go, go! Oh, fuck, donuts.
Right there.
- Calm down.
- No, no, no, no! Do-nut mind if I do.
- Drive! - Don't yell! Don't yell at me, all right? Chill out, he just shot my donut.
Fuck! Oh, God.
That was fun, wasn't it? I feel my heartbeat in my ears.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- What's your problem, dude? - We were just shot at.
Christ, he shot my donut.
Think about how that makes me feel.
- We're gonna die.
- Gotta tell you something.
- Hey, look at me.
- Think he saw my license plate? - Your car is shit.
- What are you talking about? You buy a Japanese car, you get Japanese legroom.
- What are you talking about? - We need to ditch this car.
You got any gasoline? We'll torch it.
- No.
- I know a guy your size No, you know what? We're going to the cops.
That's a fucking stupid idea, retard.
You're acting like a pussy.
And I need you to calm the fuck down.
I'm taking control.
I'm taking control of this situation.
You can't even take control of your dick.
Look in the mirror and go, "How did I lose to my dick when I tried to jerk off?" - Because l l Sometimes I can't make myself come.
- What? - Really? - Yeah.
- It's the easiest thing.
I have to be in the right mindset.
- I mean, if I'm not like - Oh, snap! Look at that.
Look what's on the other end of the rainbow.
Booty call, motherfucker! I'm gonna get some I'm gonna fuck that ass is what I'm gonna do.
Here Tell you what.
Put the car in drive.
Let's go.
We gotta go.
But you just said we should ditch the car.
Well, that's a good idea, retard-o.
That's the dumbest thing I ever heard in my whole fucking life.
Look at me.
I'm a fucking man.
I'm an American man and I'm sitting here eating my fucking knees.
I can't get any fucking legroom! Fuck! You just broke my seat.
I honestly think it was broken to begin with.
It wasn't broken.
You just ripped that I'm gonna plug this shit in.
Yeah No, no, no.
Do you? - Hold on.
- Do you? - Know what you're doing? - Not really.
- You're sure this is the place? - Oh, yeah.
This one, she loves the old ATM.
Ass-to-mouth.
I take my dick out of her ass and No, I don't want to hear it.
I'll just wait out here.
Fuck that, I need my wing man.
- What? - Come on in and get a slice.
Come on, buddy, this'll be a good time.
All right.
- Yes! - I'm gonna fuck you! Fuck me harder! - Yeah! - Fuck me harder! Oh, stop, stop! I love to fuck you! - I love you to fuck me! - I love to fuck you! So, you go to school? - Yeah.
- Cool.
Cool, cool, cool.
Super cool.
- You have a girlfriend at school? - No.
Yeah, I have a girlfriend.
Ros.
But it's weird.
Because it's like I don't understand where we're at necessarily.
I'll text her.
She doesn't text me back for three days.
Then she does text me back so it's like is she playing something on me? You ever read The Giving Tree? Don't Don't be the tree is what I'll tell you.
That boy takes everything from the tree and then it's just a stump.
That's what I am: a stump, sometimes.
Take, take, take.
- What's that? - Probably my dad.
Your mom's married? Yeah, my dad works nights.
Taback! Taback! We got company.
She's married, her husband! Oh, man, you will not believe the foolishness I had to put up with - Who are you? - I'm sorry, I'm nobody - Did you touch my wife? - No.
- Then why are you in your jimjams? - I'm sorry.
Hey! Shut the fuck up down there! Jesus Christ, all this noise it's hard to keep my dick hard.
- You! - What the fuck are you doing home? You're the devil, and I'm gonna kill you.
Go fuck yourself.
- No.
- You're dead.
Back up! Back up! Back up! Back up! Shit Come on! Maybe you shouldn't hate Jews so much! Hey, big boy? Do-nut mind if I do your wife.
Oh, hey, baby.
Come on! Oh, yeah.
Good stuff.
I'll talk to you later! Come on! All right.
Can you come here? Come on! I got it.
Come on, come on, come on! Junior? You devils made me kill my boy! You shot Mr.
Bear.
- Oh, thank God.
- Come on! My name is Jason.
I'm 26 years old and I live here with my dad, Roy.
Well, he's my stepdad.
He took me in after my mom died about two years ago when she was bit by a bird.
My name's Roy Ginger, 39.
Pizza delivery man Driver.
I married Sharron on the 4th of July when I was 30 and she was 40.
Ex-friend of mine would say that I would Had a propensity towards older women.
Sex Marriage-wise, sexually.
I inherited Jay, I suppose you'd say.
He's my son.
I love him very much.
My real dad died at childbirth.
He had a weak heart.
Roy says, "Your dad had a shit heart.
He's not man.
" He was a helicopter pilot, and that's the reason I love helicopters and whirlybirds.
I love the way they sound and I'm pretty much an expert on helicopters.
That and magic tricks.
I love magic, but not as much as helicopters but I'm really good at magic too.
Jay's He's Physically he's fine.
He's a handsome, tall, good-looking kid.
It's just emotionally he's touched.
He's an emotionally disturbed boy Man.
All right, get it while it's hot.
How was your day? Oh, it was good.
I'm replacing the lower motor on this Anderson B6.
I added a 30-minute battery so it could have a longer flight.
- You're not even listening to me, are you? - Jay, I'm trying here but this copter shit's boring me.
You gotta give me something else.
Thanks for caring about my favorite hobby, Dad.
- I really appreciate it.
- I'm trying as hard as I can! I'm sorry your mom got bit by a bird and now she's dead and we're stuck living together.
That's not the way I pictured it.
- Don't you dare talk about Mom.
- Jesus Christ, Jay! You sit in that room, play with your toys.
- These aren't toys, they're whirlybirds.
- Yes, they are toys.
- It's not a toy, Dad.
- Fuck you! It's a toy! What the fuck is wrong with you? Why don't you grow up? - This is a toy.
- Dad, stop.
- "I'm Jay, I'm a little flight dick.
" - No! "I'm your dumb dead dad pilot flying around saving people's" - Shut up.
- Fuck you! I hate you! I hate you! Come in.
Hey.
Hey.
Jay, I'm sorry.
l I'm just trying to be a good dad.
I don't know.
- You know, I'm winging this.
- Yeah, I'm trying too but it doesn't seem like you care at all about Jay, I do care.
I just can't stand watching you not apply yourself here.
Look at your old man.
He's working 60 hours a week delivering pies all over town.
I'm not sitting in here just playing around with some planes.
They're whirlybirds, Dad.
Whirlybirds, whatever.
Listen.
Why don't you come down to Mama Noodles.
I'll get you a job.
They're always looking for delivery boys.
Dad, you know I can't drive.
I'm scared of that honky horn.
That's a good point.
Lord, you blessed me with a weird stepson.
Tell you what.
Give me a good-night hug work on this shit tomorrow.
Come here.
Oh, that reminds me, tryouts are coming up next week.
So I want to get you started working on your rap.
We gonna do that again? Yeah.
We're doing it again, Jay, okay? And this time we're gonna win.
We're gonna go in there and get the cover.
Now are you in this or what? - Okay, Dad.
- We're gonna win.
Every year, Roy enters us in this contest to get on the cover of Father & Son magazine.
We have to do some kind of performance or an essay or something and I'm just not into it.
I mean, he's not even my real dad.
It's weird.
Yeah, hello? - Hey, Roy? - Yeah.
Remember that black chick you banged a while back? - Yeah, shit, I remember her.
- She's got a k Well, a couple more than a couple times.
Yeah, man.
She's got a kid.
Guess what dude? - Holy shit r - It's yours.
- Me? - It's got your DNA.
My God, yeah, well, that makes sense.
I'm looking at the paternity test right now.
Is it? Wow.
Yeah No.
- Is it a boy or a girl? - It's like a 12-year-old boy or some shit like that.
Isn't that crazy? - Do you want her number or what? - Well, yeah, give me her number.
- Jesus.
- I'll just e-mail it to you.
Holy shit.
Or I'll fax it to you.
A son.
A real son.
Hello? - Oh, hey.
- Hey, Dad.
What are you doing home? I thought you were going to copter club.
Yeah, I took the night off.
I was working on the drum fills for the song.
I think I really got it down.
You don't even have to worry about that anymore.
I got some news.
- What do you mean? - I'm gonna to be a daddy.
- A dad? - I'm talking about a real dad.
None of this stepfather bullshit we got going on here.
That reminds me, I gotta get your shit out of the rec room, because he's moving in.
His name's Andrew.
He's 12 years old.
He's very smart and bright.
Also, he's black.
Which is great for me because you know how Father & Son likes that diversity shit.
- He's a black boy? - Yeah.
I just found out.
A woman I used to date a long time ago, she has a son.
It's mine.
Biologically.
l I was really trying to make this work, with With us.
l I don't know what to say here.
Well, I thought you'd say thank you.
Jay, I didn't think you wanted anything to do with this thing.
I was looking forward to this.
Well, just meet Andrew.
You're gonna love him.
He's such a great kid.
I gotta go pick him up.
Oh, sorry.
Just enjoying my son here.
He's my real boy.
I love him.
That's $ 11.
50.
Yeah, that's right.
- Good Good work.
- Thanks.
- What do you think? - Hey, Dad.
- Oh, hey, Jay.
- Hey, I'm wondering if I could take Andrew to the cliffs? I wanna show him some of the hang gliders.
It's all right by me, as long as you bring him back soon.
We got a lot of rehearsing to do later.
Right buddy? See the gliders from up here.
Man, I love my new dad.
You know he's a pizza delivery man? Yeah, he's my dad.
Well, I know we're gonna win the cover of Father & Son.
He says you're gonna move out, and I can take your room and your helicopters.
- He said that? - Yeah.
And I'm gonna take them apart and build cars and all kinds of other st - Dad! Dad! - What? - What happened? - He fell.
He's dead.
Oh, my God.
My son.
I'm sorry, Dad.
Sorry.
It's okay.
It was just an accident, right? Right? I wanted to be on the cover of Father & Son with you.
I'm sorry.
You did this, didn't you! - I want my dad back! - Give me my son! I'm sorry! Let's give him some food.
- I'm sorry.
- Come here.
Okay.
It's okay.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I forgive you.
I'm sorry, Dad! You sure love the hell out of me, don't you? I guess we have some rehearsing to do, huh? Yeah.
Okay.
Let's go.
Two, three, go.
Hi, this is Jason Ginger this is a message for Father & Son magazine audition committee.
I want to make a correction for the Father & Son magazine contest.
My stepdad, Roy, initially signed up with Andrew, his black son but there was an accident and now it's gonna be me and him.
I feel like we've been getting along, and we're doing really good.
So I can't wait to see you tomorrow.
Bye-bye.
Oh, jeez, look at these dopes.
- That's a nice-looking son you got there.
- Thank you.
Dumb idiot.
You might as well go home.
That cover's ours.
You're shit.
Yeah, you guys are an ugly bunch of dopes.
Give them a spit.
- What? - Spit on them, Jay, go ahead.
Let's go.
Go, go, go.
Basketball and baseball and tennis and golf and archery and badminton.
I love my dad.
Please love him too.
Well, that was great.
Thank you, Don.
Okay, send in the next one, please.
All right Now we have Roy and I'm I'm sorry.
Wh What are you two? I'm Roy.
I'm Jay's stepdad.
I'm Jason Ginger and Roy's my dad.
A little unusual, but technically you're eligible.
So let's see what you brought us today, huh? - Get to work.
- Thank you.
We'll be really quick.
Sorry about this.
Let me see the back.
Let me see from the back.
- Fine.
Double check your cables.
- Good, Dad.
I'm not talking about electric.
I'm talking about audio.
Check one, one, one.
Can you? Is it okay? Can I get some more of me in the monitors? No monitors.
We're just playing here.
- Okay! - All right, sorry about that.
Thank you for your patience, once again.
Roy and Jay Ginger with "Father and Son.
" Roy Ginger! That's enough.
Thank you.
Yes, yeah, l I do.
All right, first of all I wanna thank you all.
And, as you know, there are three cover slots left for this year: October, November, December.
Now, the winner of the October cover is Don and Matt Allen.
Thank you.
Of the November cover is John and Peter Wriggly.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Congratulations.
Now, the winner of the big Christmas issue.
The December slot goes to the Jaggertys.
Jeff and Jeff Junior.
Thank you.
There's always next year, guys.
You know what? I had a black son until this asshole killed him.
So fuck you guys.
Sorry.
- Get out.
- What? Just get out of the car please, okay? I don't want to see you again.
- Dad, why are you doing this? - Jay, I'm not your dad, okay? You're not my son.
You're worthless.
- Now get out.
- Dad, please Get the fuck out of the car, Jay! Dad.
- Hey, what are you doing? - You kicked me out.
I was just kidding, you dummy.
Come on, get back in.
- What? Dad.
- It's the oldest joke in the book.
- Are you serious? - Yes.
Get in.
- It's a goof.
Come on! - You got me.
All right, son.
Okay.
I love you, son, okay? I love you, Dad.
Oh, let's go get some free pizza, okay? - Okay.
- We'll get them next year.
I'm Mama Noodles, you dipshit! Come get the pizza with noodles on.
Look at this spiced pie! You got noodles, egg rolls, fortune cookies toppings.
It's a Chinese pizza, dodo! Buy this fucking pie.
Come on! Mama Noodles.
We deliver.
Wow, that was some wild ride.
I bet you're asking yourself, "What happened to that last half-hour?" Well, it's gone, and you can't have it back.
In a way, Funny or Die stole it so you can just kiss that half-hour goodbye.
See you next time.