Funny Woman (2023) s01e04 Episode Script

The following programme
contains adult themes
and very strong language.
It's Knight Time with
your host Jason Knight!
Keep up with me, boys. (APPLAUSE)
Please welcome the two young stars
of Jim and Barbara,
it's Clive Richardson
and Sophie Straw.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Someone's popular.
Clive, honey, let's be honest.
You've got what
every man wants.
The career is going pretty well.
I'm talking about Sophie.
(LAUGHS)
What every man wants?
You make me sound like a
Black and Decker power drill.
The accent is real.
I think I'm in love.
Oh, well, join the queue, mate.
Sophie, come on,
what's old Clive got that
- I haven't?
- Bigger car.
Bigger car. It's not the size that
- counts.
- I'll be the judge of that.
Oh.(LAUGHTER)
She's got it. She's got it.
And I want to catch it.
Something's got a hold
on me, yeah
Oh, it must be love
Oh, something's got a hold
on me right now, child
Oh, it must be love
Let me tell you now
I've got a feeling,
I feel so strange
Everything about me
seems to have changed
Step by step,
I got a brand new walk
I even sound sweeter
when I talk
I said, oh
Oh
Oh
Oh
Oh, oh, yeah, it must be love
- Alright, I've had enough.
- You've had
enough? Alright, she's had enough.
Oh!
Oh, it must be love
Something's got a hold
of me right now
Oh, it must be love
Let me tell you now
I've never felt like this before
Something's got a hold on me
that won't let go
(JOURNALISTS WALLA)
I feel so strange
but it sure is good
I said oh
Oh
Oh
Oh
Oh, hey, yeah
Oh, it must be love
Oh, it must be love
(FRENCH MUSIC PLAYS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
Work was absolutely bloody.
What's for supper?
Well, I thought you were
- buying fish.
- I thought you were.
- I was flat out.
- Well, we were flat
- out, too. I'm sorry.
- Were you?
- Right.
- Well, I know it seems like
all we do is lark around.
It certainly looked that way when
I saw you all in the club room.
Well, yeah, fair point.
That was very much larking around.
I felt rather left out.
I sometimes wonder if you should be
with someone more fun,
more like, I don't know,
Sophie Straw.
She's not available.
Wow. So now we know.
Well, that couldn't have come out
anymore wrong.
I was just stating a fact.
It's in all the papers.
Sophie's with Clive.
I thought you said she was bright.
(CHUCKLES)
Now, you see, that's funny.
(FRENCH MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)
Well, as it happens I've
been reading (FRENCH WORD)
A joke, I know it.
It's a selection philosophical
essays about comedy.
Yes, I've read it. It's hilarious.
Well, perhaps I could come
along to the Pipe Smoke Studio
and see you in action.
We're an arts and culture show.
(CLEARS THROAT) You're aware there
won't be any laughs.
I'm cultured. Try me.
Who are you doing a profile
of this week?
Solzhenitsyn.
The ballet dancer?
Dennis, you're
I'm joking. I'm well aware of
Russia's most famous dissident.
Alright then, it's a date!
I'll have a word with my boss,
though he's sometimes a bit funny
about guests in the control room.
Burnham Whitfield being funny.
This I have to see.
And I'm not a guest,
I'm your husband.
Shall we just nip out for
- fish and chips?
- Might be best.
(CLANGING)
(GASPS)
(WHISPERS) Clive, wake up.
- Hmm?
- Your mum's here.
- What?
- Your mum. Your mum's here.
- Your mum.
- Shit, shit, shit, shit,
shit, quick, quick,
- - hide, hide.
- Where?
- In the cupboard.
I'm fucking serious.
My mum will have a heart attack
if she sees you.
(DOOR OPENS)
Mother, what a lovely surprise.
(CLEARS THROAT) Well, I found
your fusebox, mate.
You need a new circuit for
your bracket valve.
Oh, right. Oh, how rude.
Sophie, this is Gladis.
- Morning.
- Whatcha.
She cleans on Tuesday and Fridays.
(LAUGHS)
I'll leave you to it.
Thank you, Gladis.
(BOTH LAUGH) I hate you.
You knew and you didn't say.
Of course I did. Oh, and by the way,
my mother grew up with the Mitfords.
She'd be shocked if I didn't
have someone in bed.
Oh, no, no, no.
Gosh, is it wrong
that I find you rather attractive
dressed like this?
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, do the voice.
- You're weird.
- Come on, do it,
do the voice.
(IN COCKNEY ACCENT) Alright, mate. Oh.
I've come to check your sprockets.
Oh, sprockets, hey?
(LAUGHS)
At last
My love has come along
My lonely days are over
Morning, Marjorie.
You dirty stop-out.
(LAUGHS) Sausage sarnie alright?
Oh, doesn't he ever feed you?
Breakfast at Clive's is
a bloody Mary with an egg in.
Mm. How very James Bond.(GAGS)
(CHUCKLES) Right, better
get my skates on.
Got a union meeting first thing
and they're making us do a fire
drill. They've set up muster points.
I said, "Muster point? What's the
point, more like."
If I heard a fire alarm going on,
I'm not hanging about
waiting to burst into flames
in an orderly fashion.
I'm squeezing me arse out
the basement window.
Are you sure you don't want a ticket
to see the show this week?
Why don't you take your dad?
Put him up in a swanky hotel
like you always said you would.
Maybe I will.
Introduce him to his future
- son-in-law.
- Give over.
Anyway, I'm really busy this week.
I've decided to spread my wings
a bit.(SCOFFS)
What? I booked myself
in for yoga class.
So you'll be spreading your wings
and your bum cheeks.
What?(CHUCKLES)
(BURPS) Oh, God.
Oh, Marjorie, that is disgusting.
You have no manners at all. (BURPS)
Ooh, that's a good one.
Alright, night.
(BURPS)
(LAUGHS) I knew it was coming.
Life appears to be imitating art.
Well, it's good publicity for the
show. The ratings are very buoyant.
Well, that's what maybe, but now
we've got this Mary Whitehouse woman
breathing down our neck
with her clean up TV manifesto.
Yes, but does anyone really
take her seriously?
Just the 500,000 people
who signed a petition.
Oh, allow me to read you
her appraisal of our output.
"This organisation spreads the
propaganda of dirt, promiscuity,
infidelity and drinking." And
apparently we are also responsible
for the moral collapse of the
- country.
- Well done, us.
The director general wants
all our shows to rein it in.
Jim and Barbara is quite racy enough
without out stars upping the ante
- off screen.
- Yes, well I'm sure
Jim and Barbara
having the odd off-screen cuddle
won't bring down the network.
It's none of our business.
It will be your business if any
reports of personal misconduct
go public. I am trusting you,
keep an eye on your stars.
No cohabiting, and please,
no more pictures in the press.
Does my wife need to buy
a new hat?
I don't know, is she going
somewhere chilly?
An engagement would be
marvellous publicity.
You and Clive are as cute as
two kitties in a basket.
You could be the next Peter
Sellers and Britt Ekland, hey?
Brian, why do you have their
photo on the wall?
You don't even represent them.
Not yet.
Well, there won't be any
engagements, Brian,
not unless you got a proposal
there from young Prince Charles.
I hear he's quite partial to a bit
- of comedy.
- Nothing royal, darling,
but you do have a letter from your
old school PE teacher, Miss Liney.
Oh, my God, Miss Liney?
We used to call her Mussoliney.
She made us do
cross country in our pants.
Oh, God, anyone can track you down
when you're on TV.
Never mind the fan mail.
- We have news.
- Big news.
You have been-Thank you, Patsy.
Sorry.
You have been offered a plum
role in a Carry On film.
(GASPS)
An actual film, darling,
in cinemas.
- Hollywood, here we come.
- Oh, my God!
I love the Carry On films.
My great friend Gerald Thomas,
the director, reached out
to me personally. We start
shooting as soon as we finish
the sitcom. Shall I do the honours?
OK, how about this? Jim's working
from home and Barb's gone off
- to see her mum.
- Somewhere up north,
but Jim's being a bit cagey
- about his new secretary.
- So Barbs
jumps to conclusion it must be
because this new secretary
is sex on a stick.
Yes, but just to flag,
why would Barbara be worried?
I mean, forgive me, but we have
an absolute bombshell
playing our leading character.
- What?
- BOTH: Nothing, Dennis.
I didn't quite catch that, Dennis.
Did you say "lead character"?
Leading female character, I meant.
No, no, I don't think you did.
Ha-ha, I got you, didn't I?
I'm only kidding.
I honestly couldn't care less.
Can we finish telling you
- our fucking great idea?
- So,
Barbara's very worried and jealous.
So she beats a hasty retreat
back to the flat.
To surprise Jim and maybe catch him
in the act with his new secretary,
- so to speak.
- Yes, go on chaps. I'm
- with you.
- But-No, let me guess.
She marches in and,
oops a diddly dandy,
the new secretary is a fat
Sunday school teacher
with a big hairy mole
and three-inch specs?
Well, thank you for assuming we'd
write something so deeply ordinary
and predicable, Clive. But no,
Jim's new secretary is a man.
Are men secretaries?
Secretary of State.
Private Secretary. Secretary
- General.
- No, no, but I mean
usual-take-dictation,
Miss Jones, type secretary.
Of course men can be secretaries.
The job doesn't actually require
- a vagina.
- Yes, but sorry to be
Sir Lawrence Logic,
but surely, at some
point, Jim would say
the secretary's name and Barbara
would twig it was a man.
BOTH: Not necessarily.
Good.
Good, just good.
INSTRUCTOR: And into the tree pose,
wave your branches in the breeze.
Beautiful.
Steady.
Clasping that right ankle,
pushing the foot back
so we go to dancer pose.
Reaching forwards.
Lift the foot.(CRACKS)
Fuck!
(WHISPERS) Sorry. Sorry.
Beautiful.
Don't do yourself a mischief
before you've even gone in.
The mischief's already been done.
I'm not sure if I've snapped
my hamstring or my knicker elastic.
(LAUGHS) you should have come in
- with our lot.
- What?
So what do you make
in a women's workshop, then?
Trouble. (LAUGHS)
Going to the pub, Sal.
You wanna come?
Oh, to? Yeah.
Come on.
(DOOR OPENS)
Oh, my God, what are
you doing having a bath
at half past seven in the morning?
We haven't got a shower.
Sorry, I'm desperate.
Oh.(URINATING)
Relief.
I must have about a
gallon of lager in me.
I didn't think yoga types drank
- beer.
- I couldn't handle yoga.
- - I went to the pub.
- Who with?
- I met
some girls at a women's workshop.
Yeah, nice bunch. Interesting.
One of them's a plumber.
Blimey. Maybe she could take
a look at your leaky pipes.
Haven't you finished yet?
Stop looking.
You're making me nervous
and making it worse.
(SIGHS)
How come Clive hasn't
asked you to move in, then?
Save you running back here
every morning.
We haven't really discussed it,
and Dennis says that Ted Sargent
wouldn't stand for it.
I suppose it'd mean we'd
have to get married for real.
Why doesn't he just propose, then?
Everyone at work keeps asking.
(SIGHS)
Tell everyone at work to keep their
beaks out of my business.
God. You can't do anything these
days without everyone watching us
or writing it up in the paper.
We have to be really careful.
Well, you need to be careful
you don't get stuck
with all these blokes telling you
what to do with your life.
Last night, me and the girls were
talking about poor old
- Cynthia Lennon.
- Poor? I don't think
- so.
- She's got a baby with a Beatle
and she's still made to walk
ten paces behind him,
so that he can look
sexy and available.
Christ, you're a bit argy-bargy
today, Maj.
What was in that beer?
Was it a pint of courage?
No, as women we've gotta stand up
for ourselves, Barb, you know.
Not put up with all of
their pat
er patriarcal bullshit.
Diane Lewis.
Today with Andrew O'Shea.
So, at this point do I know
the secretary is in the kitchen?
No, no, he could be anywhere.
Bedroom, bathroom,
hiding in a cupboard.
Oh, so could I be an electrician?
An electrician come to check
his sprockets.
Yeah, yeah, alright.
- Alright. Hey, put this on.
- Perfect.
We take it back to the entrance?
- Oh, yes.
- Very good.
So, obviously I, Jim,
knows that it's Barbara
from the moment she comes in the
- door.
- Right, but you don't want her
- to know you know.
- Why not?
Cos that's how we wrote it.
It's a double bluff.
- You've got the upper hand.
- OK.
No, OK. Good, good. Thank you.
So, thanks for coming around.
It's Charlie, isn't it?
Yes, sir.
My parents named me
after Charlie Chaplin
on account of my moustache.
(CHUCKLES) I can see.
It is very good,
but it's not gonna work.
I mean, you have to play with that.
Babies don't have moustaches.
Er I was an unusually hairy baby.
Shaving at the age of three.
(LAUGHS)
Alright, very good.
OK, so
Well, Charlie, my old mucker, can I
interest you in a cup of tea?
Oh, yeah, a cup of Rosie Lee
would be lovely.
(SNORTS)
I'm sorry, Dennis,
- blame her.
- Sorry.
If it's no trouble, sir.
Oh, no, no trouble at all.
My secretary's just
put another pot on. Hilary,
- another cup of tea, please.
- Bill,
could you play Hilary for now?
Why can't I just
Bill, I had a great idea.
What if Hilary
was a touch light in the loafers.
I think that would be hilarious.
Yeah, well we did actually imagine
that Hilary was homosexual,
Clive, but not so we could-
- No, no.
- Oh, come on, Dennis,
not the dreaded green book.
Yes, handed to me by Ted Sargent.
Sure he has a drawer full of them.
"Jokes about effeminacy in men
are banned."
Yep, right, but Hilary
is not effeminate.
That's the whole point.
We are trying to present
a homosexual character
that is not some fucking
ridiculous parody.
Den, radio's more cutting edge
than us.
Round the Horn has got
two blokes speaking Polari.
- What's Polari?
- You're the one that
said that we should be
- pushing boundaries.
- We do need
to be pushing boundaries,
but I'm not convinced that throwing
in a coded language
for the few that know it is
the best way to give voice
to the community we're
trying to represent.
Sophie, what would
- Barbara think?
- About?
About Jim's secretary liking men.
About men having sex with other men.
Crikey.
I don't know if I know
any men who
Well, there were rumours
about our milkman.
But would it bother her?
Um
Well, the show's about modern love,
isn't it?
Would be boring if we were
all the same.
Each to his own, I say.
Isn't she remarkable?(GIGGLES)
- - Hi.
- Hi.
- Sorry to butt in.
Can I grab Clive for a fitting?
There's a hilarious joke in there
somewhere about butts and fitting.
I thought I might take us all out to
the Opposition Club tonight.
- Oh, cool.
- Only if you finish
the script, of course.
Oh. Dennis.
Diane! What you doing here?
Working.
Doing a piece for Nova Magazine?
Nova's over, baby.
You are looking at the new
on-air reporter
for Today with Andrew O'Shea.
(SCREAMS)
You didn't tell me you
were up for that!
- I didn't want to jinx it.
- Wow.
How do you even audition
for a show like that?
I had to present a piece to camera.
Did you write it yourself?
Of course, I'm a journalist.
- That's the job.
- Oh, my.
Well, come on,
let's have a drink.
I've got a bit of good news myself.
What?
I've been offered a role
in the next Carry On film!
(SCREAMS)
Hey, great.
What? Have you not seen the Carry On
- films?
- Oh, I've seen them
and they're funny. It's the girls
in them are always just a bit
What?
Nubile nurse or frumpy
old battle axe.
They're never the funny doctor
or wacky scientist.
Oh, right.
Oh. Well, me and me dad
liked them because
they're not just all posh people
with fancy jobs
talking like her off
Brief Encounter.
You know what, you're right.
And they probably written you
something great.
What part are you playing?
A stripper called Tina Tittley.
In the cool of the evening
Everything is getting
kinda groovy
What exactly does Ted Sargent
- mean by cohabiting?
- Living in sin.
Well, what about if two people are
living together, but not doing it?
I mean, is that a sin?
Wait, how old are you?
Would Ted Sargent object to
- that then?
- Yeah.
How would he even know if
Soph and Clive were doing it?
He's probably hiding in a bush
outside Clive's place
with a pair of binoculars and his
trousers round his ankles.
Can everyone shut up about my
sleeping arrangements, please?
So, we're saying that Ted Sargent
doesn't believe in sex
- before marriage?
- Or during, by
the looks of it.(LAUGHS)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
I think I've died and gone to
comedy heaven.
Is that actual Peter Cook up there?
And that's your cuddly Dudley
- right there.
- Oh, my God!
Do you know them?
He gave some of this lot their first
job in radio.
Dennis, does that mean
that you're part of the
what's it called, the Oxfam Mafia?
- The Oxbridge Mafia.
- Oh.
Does that really exist?
It does if you're in it.
Evening, ladies.
Dennis, always a pleasure.
Pleasure's all mine, Frankie.
Well it could be, if you
only give it a go, dear.
Oh, Anthony, William.
I'm ignoring you.
I'm sorry we don't have time to
work for you anymore, Frankie.
I hope you will soon find
another writer.
And I hope you'll soon get another
cock up your arse.
Well, that's unlikely with
that hairdo, dear.
He doesn't show up for deli boys
- these days, Frankie.
- What's that?
TONY: Just nothing. Just fuck off.
Clive's bought a round.
Take a picture, someone.
Well, I just didn't want to wait for
you to look old enough
to get served at the bar, Bill.
Cooey, who's the dolly?
He's asking who's the pretty face?
(GASPS) Oh, Mr Howard.
- I'm such a big fan.
- Oh, nice
to meet you, big fanny,
but I was talking about that one.
No, he doesn't play cards either,
ducks. He's with the boney palone.
This is Sophie Straw.
- They're the leads in our sitcom.
- Oh,
I don't watch other comedy, dear,
unless I'm nicking material.
Thief of bad gags, me.
(LAUGHS)
Mr Howard, I've got a
- question.
- What is it?
How did you learn to be funny?
Oh, you can't teach it, dear.
It takes years of failure,
but if you've got it inside
it pops out like a
cartes and quongs from a
Trade's kaffies in a cottage.
What does he mean?
Go on, Dennis dear.
Well, he says that
if it's in you the comedy
will pop out
like a gentleman's
- Dick, dear.
- Oh!
- Thank you, Frankie.
- Polari.
ELEANOR: Darling, do you want to see
my wedding dress?
I'm going to try it on.
Hey, I thought it was supposed to be
unlucky to see the bride in
her dress.(LAUGHS)
Silly, that only applies
to the groom.
(LAUGHTER)
That's Eleanor Bron
and that's John Fortune.
Yes, they're brilliant at
- improvising.
- You what?
Well, they basically make it up
as they go along.
What, even the lass?
Especially the lass.
(LAUGHTER)
(DIALOGUE CONTINUES)
For the best man.
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
Yes, I know, you've been after me
for years.
(LAUGHTER)
Morning.
You had a late one last night.
Well, I promised the team
I'd take them out to the
Opposition Club.
Hmm, we all know you're
a man of your word.
I completely forgot. I had it
in my diary for tonight.
You completely forgot or you had it
in your diary for tonight?
Both. I think.
Sorry.
Vernon is beginning to
think you don't exist.
Well, you can tell him
I very much do exist.
Well, as it happens, my profile
on Solzhenitsyn was postponed.
Great. I mean,
that's a shame for you.
Was the whole show cancelled?
Actually, we brought forward a live
interview with Tony Hancock.
Oh, he was fascinating about comedy.
You might have enjoyed it.
The Carry On people have been
on the phone
and they are eager to confirm
some dates.
So, if you would just
sign on the dotted line.
I don't know if I want to do
the film, Brian.
Patsy Yes, darling?
Would you arrange for me
- to have a hearing test, please.
- You
- heard me.
- The script's hilarious.
Sophie Straw, what's got into you?
I just don't think I want
everything to be about my knockers.
- Oh.
- They don't make me do it on
Jim and Barbara.
It'd be a step back.
And last night
Dennis took us to a comedy club and
I saw this girl in a double act
making up her own lines.
- Eleanor something.
- Eleanor Bron?
She's a completely different thing.
She went to Cambridge,
- for God's sake.
- All I know is that
nobody was laughing at her bust.
Maybe I could make up my own lines.
Now, look here, young lady, you need
to learn to walk before you can run.
Before you met me you didn't
have a shilling for a cab.
Look, this will not last forever.
My advice to you is to make the best
of what you've got
while you've got it cos God knows
there soon be another young girl
coming up behind you, better,
funnier, prettier and bigger.
And she'll be only
too happy to fill your kinky boots.
Sophie Straw, come back here!
- She's gone completely mad.
- Hmm.
Hilary always takes care of me
while my wife's away.
Takes care of you, does she?
Yes, my secretary is very obliging.
- Obliging!
- Hilary, where are we
with that tea?
At which point,
Hilary enters with the tea.
Oh, Den, how about when I twig
it's a fella,
I give a little glance
direct to camera?
Oh, sorry, Soph, I'm afraid
that breaks the fourth wall.
Ah, darling, the fourth wall
is an imaginary wall
and if we look into the cameras
then we break it
and we establish we're
in a television show, you see?
Frankie Howard does it,
and Lucille Ball.
And that first time when
I bumped into a camera,
I did it and it got a big laugh.
Yes, but is it the wrong sort of
- laugh?
- Is there a wrong
- sort of laugh?
- Yeah, it was a good
question. Bill, you might disagree
with me, but in my-I think we
should give it a go.
I'll be the camera.
BILL: I'll be Hilary.
- From?
- So, go back to the
first bit of ladder business.
Very good. Cup of tea.
Hilary, where are we with that tea?
Here you are. I hope you
like it strong.
Hilary, meet my wife.
It takes all sorts to create
a modern world.
Any good?
What do you think?
Sold.
Everybody falls in love somehow
Ah.
Something in your kiss
Edith, I'm so sorry.
- Peace offering?
- Yes.
Thanks.
(SIGHS)
There's no telling where
may love appear
Gosh, I can see why they
call the show Pipe Smoke.
You haven't started smoking
a meerschaum, have you?
I don't suppose you fancy coming to
see the show tomorrow night?
Actually, feel free
to say yes and then not turn up.
That would serve me right.
Um it's been a long day.
I'm going to run a bath.
London's took such a hit
during the war
and it's coming up roses
now though, isn't it?
Oh, now keep your money in
your top pocket, George.
You can't trust anyone,
even the kiddies.
It's a fun piece,
but I don't just want to do
the fluffy stuff.
I did a piece on birth
control for Nova Magazine.
OK.But I'll build up to that.
It's fine. I'll use my own.
ANDREW: And now, let's meet the
newest addition to our team,
Diane Lewis. Welcome, Diane.
- Thank you, Andrew.
- Why don't you
tell us what you've been up to.
Well, Andrew, I have been out
and about on Carnaby Street
looking at the latest gear for
groovy chicks and guys.
These days it's quite hard to
tell the difference.
Well there's a whole new scene
they're calling Unisex Fashion.
I'm intrigued. Let's have a
look at Diane in action.
You're just what this show needs,
people are gonna love you.
This must be
costing you a fortune.
Dad, just enjoy it while
I've got it.
We did alright, didn't we,
my love.
You and me.
Wait for me.
- Stone me.
- What?
You look lovely, Aunty Mar.
Thank you.
I wouldn't want Clive to think
we were provincial. (CHUCKLES)
Provincial. Perfection, more like.
Mr Parker.
- Clive, how are you?
- May I?
Thank you.
It's right this way.
Thank you very much.
I am safe in assuming that nobody
here hates champagne?
(ALL LAUGH)
- Mario?
- Oh, he's much funnier
in real life, isn't he?
Well, try telling that to our
- writers.
- I didn't think you'd
do better than Aiden, but this one's
a keeper. (LAUGHS)
You know, it is actually rude
to whisper, girls.
Unless you're saying something
- rather nice about me.
- We are.
I think we require
There's no prices
- on the menu.
- Oh, no, please,
I've taken care of it.
- - Oh.
- Please.
- Thank you.
But are you looking forward
to seeing the show recording, hmm?
Well, I'm more worried about how
we're going to get back to the hotel
- - afterwards.
- Oh.
- Oh, no, we'll get
production to organise a car
from the after party, no?
There's an after party?
Oh, Barb didn't say.
It might be late, Marie.
On VE day I stayed up dancing until
4:30 in the morning, Clive.
(LAUGHS)
So you are
a tear away really.
Will there be famous
people there?
Get to see a Beatle.
I'd rather have Acker Bilk any day.
Right, well let's drink to that.
To Acker Bilk.
ALL: To Acker Bilk.
(CHUCKLING)
No, no, we have to sleep.
Show day tomorrow.
I have to go home and change in
about four hours.
Soph, Soph, Soph,
I've actually been thinking.
It is crazy that you have to rush
backwards and forwards every time,
so
Sophie Straw, would you do me
the honour of moving in with me?
But what about Ted Sargent?
Yes, so I don't think there's room
for him, too.
No, what if he finds out?
I'll get in loads of trouble.
We're consenting adults.
It's different for girls.
Sophie, come on,
what could possibly go wrong?
Those brown sheets would have to go.
Feels like I'm sleeping
in an oil slick.
Well, I guess we do know who's
in charge here.
You are.(CHUCKLES)
You know that always gets me.
- Miss Straw.
- How did you get in here?
- Can I have an autograph?
- OK.
- Who shall I make it out to?
- Sidney.
She even looks a bit like you.
Sidney Vast, reporter
with the Sun Newspaper.
How does it feel to be
the last to know?
If you want
Something to play with
Go and find yourself a toy
My time is too expensive
Anyway, you're not a little boy
But if you
Baby, if you're serious
Don't play with my heart
You make me furious
But if you want me
If you want me to love you
Hi. Tea.
You know, don't you?
I thought we were friends,
- Polly.
- We are.
I never would have done it
if I thought you were exclusive.
- What you mean?
- Clive said
it was no big deal.
That you were both into the
whole permissive society thing.
We didn't mean to hurt you.
(SOBBING)
If you wanna play, boy
Go and find yourself a toy
(KNOCK)
Soph, we've just got a couple
of script changes.
(CONTINUES CRYING)
(SOBBING)
- - Hello.
- Oh, hello.
- Are you guests of
- Sophie Straw?
- Yes.
- Would you like to come with me?
- Is
this for the very important people?
Come with me, I'll get you
- to the front.
- Come along, George.
Excuse me.
Norris, at the top of the scene can
you give me a deep two shot
when Barbara enters, please?
Den, mate, we got a problem.
She won't answer us. We could hear
her all teary in the dressing room.
Sounded like a wounded animal.
What wounded animal sound like
a fully-grown woman
crying her eyes out?
A panda, maybe.
Maybe, I don't know.
- Oh, hello.
- Thank you.
Are these the important
people seats?
You have a choice, you can stay
in here and not do the show.
No, I am not not doing the show.
I can't do the show, Dennis.
Sophie, you love being in front of
an audience. They love you.
Look, I know what you're trying to
do, Dennis, but there is no way
I'm gonna stand in front of that
audience and act like I'm in love
with Clive Richardson when right now
all I wanna do is wring
his bastard neck!
You don't have to be in love
with Clive.
You have to be in love with Jim.
When Lucille Ball found out
that Desi Arnaz was
playing away, she fought back.
She became the first woman to run
a major television studio.
Oh, yeah, cos I can do that
with my wages.
Success is the sweetest revenge.
The point is, you can fight back
by going out there
and being funny.
MAN: And Barbara isn't very happy
about it.(LAUGHTER)
She's told Jim that
she's away at her mother's
up north, but really "wink-wink,"
she's come around to spy on Jim,
who she thinks is having an affair
with his secretary.
- AUDIENCE: Ooh!
- Anybody here
been a secretary?
Oh, yes, madam, what
is your short hand like?
Not as big as my long hand.
Not as big as your long hand.
(LAUGHTER)
Now then, are we ready?
AUDIENCE: Yeah!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
We're rolling in five, four
(KNOCK)(CLEARS THROAT)
Oh, thanks for coming.
Charlie, isn't it?
That's right, sir.
Named after Charlie Chaplin
- on account of my moustache.
- I'm
sorry, how does that work exactly?
I was an unusually hairy baby.
Shaving since the age of three.
(LAUGHTER)
Well, Charlie, me old mucker,
can I interest you in a cup of tea?
Oh, I could kill a cup of Rosie Lee
would be lovely,
if it's no trouble.
Oh, no trouble at all.
My secretary has
- just made a pot.
- Secretary, is it?
Hilary, another cup
of tea, please.
- Hilary, is it?
- Hmm.
Oh, yes, Hilary always takes care
of me while my wife's away.
My secretary is very obliging.
Obliging. I bet she's been obliging
you all over the place.
At work, in your office,
or here at home.
On your snazzy flipping sofa.
(LAUGHTER)
(GROANS)
Hilary, where is that tea?
Shot 62, camera 4.
Here we are.
You like it strong?
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
Umm, Hilary, meet my wife.
- Huh, whatcha?
- Your wife?
Each to his own, I say.
Ha-ha-ha.
(GRUNTS)(LAUGHTER)
Oh! (LAUGHS) Well, Hilary,
it takes all sorts to make
a modern world.
AUDIENCE: Aw!
(WINK SOUND EFFECT)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Good work, studio.
Right, well done, Den.
Well done.
Congratulations, darling.
I'm proud of you.
A bit near the knuckle for me,
but it was very professional.
Well done, everyone. Excellent show.
Drinks in the club bar, everyone.
- She'll come and find us.
- Yeah.
- What the hell was that?
- Couldn't you
just keep it in your trousers
- for once?
- What are you talking
- about?
- Oh, you know damn well
what I'm on about. You and Polly.
Me and Polly, oh, my, what?
Can the sound department please turn
off the microphones?
Sound department, where are you?
Don't make it worse,
you lying arsehole.
I've seen photographs.
Is this part of the show?
I don't know.
- It wasn't me.
- I'd recognise
that body part anywhere.
Did we ever say that we're
actually exclusive?
It's the '60s. Everyone's
- screwing around.
- I'm not.
The only person I'm screwing is you.
You even asked me to move in with
- you.
- Yeah, and I meant it.
Then why are you such a
- Such a what? Go on.
- Such a
What, what? Go on, say it.
Oh, dear God, please don't.
- Go on.
- Such a
lying, cheating cunt!
(ALL GASP)
(CLEARS THROAT)
Wow.
(GASPS)
Magic moments
When two hearts are caring
Magic moments
Memories we've been sharing
I'll never forget
the moment we kissed
The night of the hay ride
The way that we hugged
to try to keep warm
While taking a sleigh ride
Magic moments
Memories we've been sharing
Magic moments
When two hearts are caring
Time can't erase
The memory of
These magic moments
Filled with love ♪
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