Futurama s01e04 Episode Script

What a great choice.
Amazing food! And such generous portions.
Just wait till you try the mints.
Doug, most guys are put off by my eye.
It's nice to meet someone open-minded.
Ew! Love's Labour Lost in Space What went wrong last night? I don't know.
I couldn't put my finger on it.
Possibly his vile lizard tongue.
You're too picky.
If you rule out every guy with a lizard tongue or low I.
Q or a temper, you're gonna be lonely.
There's nothing wrong with having high standards.
Leela's problem is purely medical.
She'll drop her eggs.
They'll hatch and all will be well.
Give guys a chance.
You think a guy is a pig, but then you realize he has a good body.
Thank you for the inspiring advice.
But I'm happy with my life.
That sounds like a cry for help.
Let's go out.
There's great places to meet people.
- The Sex Bureau.
- A saucy puppet show.
A rotting whale carcass.
I'll pick.
Oh, wow! It's totally retro! - Why's everyone wearing rings? - Because nobody wears them anymore.
- Rings are stupid.
- They look cool.
Don't let anyone hear you! Did he say rings are cool? - No, he said they're stupid.
- Cool! What do you think of that guy? - I don't know.
Maybe.
- Forget it.
He's gay.
What? How can you tell? I just know these things.
I've got "gaydar.
" There's no such thing.
No? Okay, I got a lock on him.
Yep! He's gay.
- Are you sure? - Definitely! Or it's interference from a gay weather balloon.
You're from the 20th century? That's incredible.
I'm from the 21 st! We've got so much in common! We sure do.
Remember when the cyborgs enslaved humanity? Yeah! That rings a bell.
This is Bolt Rolands.
He's a hyper-sled racer with 10 wins on the pro circuit.
Hello, beautiful.
I think she means 10 wins on the gay circuit.
I wish.
Those cats can really fly.
M'oh.
This is M-5438, an entity of pure energy.
Great.
But he's just not what I'm looking for.
I understand.
One day you will evolve beyond your physical body.
And on that day, I hope you will pick up the phone.
You're impossible.
Just as well.
He comes from a dimension that's big on musical theater.
I need the apartment.
Go see a saucy puppet show.
Can do! My, my, my.
What's a beautiful lady like you-? Oh, my! I'm sorry! I thought you had two eyes.
Leela, you must've had your pick last night at closing time.
Could you stop talking about my personal life? Yes, let's talk about Leela's personal life later.
We have business to attend to.
- A delivery? - A tax-deductible mission of charity.
This is Vergon 6.
This is Vergon 6.
Buh! It's a sunny little doomed planet inhabited by frisky, doomed animals.
- Animals? - That's right.
Animals in need of rescue.
Vergon 6 was once filled with the dense substance "Dark Matter.
" Each pound of it weighs over Wait.
What about the animals? Well, Dark Matter is valuable as starship fuel.
That's why it was mined out, leaving the planet hollow.
But what about the animals? - The-? - The animals.
I didn't mention animals.
The planet will collapse within three days.
This will kill all the animals.
We have to save two of each kind.
Like Noah's Ark.
Why two? Oh.
I bet Leela's holding out for a one-eyed guy.
That'll take forever.
She ought to find a guy with two eyes and poke one out.
That'd be a timesaver.
Do you mind? You can use this as a poker.
Thanks, if it's less than five, I don't care how many eyes he has.
I want a guy who's adventurous, self- confident, maybe a snappy dresser.
These new uniforms are snappy, first officer.
I suppose, captain.
I'm not a big fan of velour as you are.
What do you want to do about that ship? Destroy them! That's got a nice feel to it.
Captain's journal.
Stardate, 3000.
3.
Who are you talking to? You.
Aren't you getting this? A vessel is attempting to break the security cordon around Vergon 6.
I'm anticipating a tactical dogfight, followed by a light dinner.
Ravioli, ham, sundae bar Hey, look! Zapp Brannigan's ship.
- Wow! The Zapp Brannigan? - Uh-huh.
Who's the Zapp Brannigan? Shall I fire on them now, sir? Not yet, Kif.
In the game of chess, never let your adversary see your pieces.
What? Zapp Brannigan alone saved the Octillion System from rampaging Killbots.
- Wow! - A grim day for robot-kind.
But we can build more Killbots! He's the most decorated captain in the Order of Planets.
Leela's got a boyfriend! No, but we ought to see if he'll help us rescue those animals.
In case you hit it off, you'll want to take this with you.
They're headed for us.
A calculated move out of Sun Tzu's classic text, The Art of War.
Or my own masterwork, Zapp Brannigan's Big Book of War.
The one thing their captain doesn't realize is- They've docked and come aboard.
Then I've risked all and lost.
I'll be in the escape pod.
If that wicker chair I like survives, have it sent to my P.
O.
box.
I'm Leela, captain of the Planet Express delivery ship.
We're pleading for assistance.
If there's- I'm in command.
Zapp Brannigan.
Has my fame preceded me, or was I too quick? Oh, not at all.
I'm just so really thrilled to meet you.
You're an impressive captain, beautiful and deadly.
- A potent combination.
- You don't mean that.
I haven't seen more than three captains sexier than you.
Only one who was deadlier.
I heard you defeated a horde of somethings in the something system.
The Killbots? Simply a matter of outsmarting them.
I never would've thought of that.
Killbots have a preset kill limit.
Knowing that, I sent wave after wave of my own men at them until they shut down.
Kif, show them the medal I won.
More, please.
A little more.
More.
Keep going.
We need to talk about our mission.
I'm willing to put wave after wave of men at your disposal.
Right, men? You suck! We're hoping to save the animals of Vergon 6.
- If you could- - Vergon 6! - This dinner is over.
- What's wrong? The Order of Planets prohibits interfering with other worlds.
It's a little rule known as "Brannigan's Law.
" People already interfered.
That planet was mined hollow.
By an Order of Planets mining crew.
This doesn't make any sense.
I don't pretend to understand Brannigan's Law.
I enforce it.
Fine, we'll save the animals alone.
I'm afraid I can't allow that.
Guards! - What just happened? - He's throwing us in prison.
Dang! Can I get this wrapped up? Ow! I might've liked Zapp if he hadn't thrown me in prison.
You really are too picky.
Kif, follow me up to the deck.
I've got some musing to do.
Oh, jeez! I'm facing a formidable female adversary.
Suggestions? I fail to see any problem, sir.
You've imprisoned her under directive B-10.
81.
You mean Brannigan's Law? Right, that law.
- Which one? - Brannigan's Law.
You're my best friend, but you've earned my contempt again.
You should know, the way to deal with a female adversary is to seduce her.
- This time we are sure she's a woman? - Yes! Invite her to my quarters.
And have the boy lay out my formal shorts.
The boy, sir? You.
You lay out my formal shorts.
The jackass wants to see you in his quarters.
Now's my chance to reason with him, captain to captain.
And he wants you to wear this.
Come and get it! Welcome to my humble chamber.
Or as I call it, "The Love-Nasium.
" - Cham-pag-in? - You're such a coin-a-sewer.
Well, I have studied abroad.
Or two.
- Captain, if we could speak seriously.
- Uh-huh.
Please let us rescue those animals.
Mm-hm.
I like your style.
I find it very erotic.
- What? - Erotic! Erotic! Erotic! Erotic! We can escape.
Just bend the hatch off this steam pipe.
Hey, yeah! No! It's full of steam! You look like a woman who enjoys the finer things.
Come over here and feel my velour bedspread.
I'm not in the mood.
Leela, it's real velour.
Just let yourself go.
Can I please just go back to prison? You'd rather sit in prison than spend time with the "Zapper"? Much rather.
What are you doing? Oh, God, I'm pathetic.
Sorry.
Just go.
You want the cham-pag-in? No.
And it's pronounced "champagne.
" Oh, God, no! It's not a big deal.
I get so lonely.
I just thought a fellow captain would understand.
Oh, forget it.
It's great ordering people around.
But through it all, you're completely alone.
It comes with the job.
I'm just so lonely! Oh, come on.
Cheer up.
It's not that bad.
- Want to try escaping again? - I'm comfy.
Leela's been gone a long time.
I hope she's making progress with Zapp.
Good morning, lover.
- Listen - Now you're officially my woman.
Kudos! I can't say I don't envy you.
Last night was a mistake.
A sexy mistake.
No, just a regular mistake.
For a second my common sense was overwhelmed by pity.
A second is all it takes.
That's why eventually you'll come crawling back to the Zapper.
The only kind of crawling I'm doing to you is away from.
Leela, you're obviously confused and aroused.
I'm going to Vergon 6 to save those animals, like it or not! I won't stop you.
Threaten all you- What? We both know you won't make it to Vergon 6 before the craving sets in.
Then you'll come crawling back for another taste of sweet candy.
Bam! Ew.
- Kif? - Yes- Oh! Yes, captain? I have made it with a woman.
Inform the men.
The fatso says you're free to go.
- Really? Why? - "Why," indeed.
- What was that? - Nothing.
Should we go and head to the planet? We just talked, okay? We don't have much time.
The planet is supposed to collapse in- Two hours ago.
Purple Fruit Snake Purple Fruit Snake Hello, there.
He's not on the list.
So we can cook him? A barbecue! I'll wear my funny apron! No! I don't care about your apron, we're not cooking him.
Ahhh.
I'll call him "Nibbler.
" Ahhh.
I'll fire up the grill.
I hope he'll be okay with all those big animals.
Once my woman returns, I won't have time to hang with the boys anymore.
That's a shame, sir.
So let's make the most of our time together.
Never mind.
Just give me a back rub.
I found some hermaphlamingos.
That's the last species.
Huh? Hey, what the-? - Where'd they all go? Nibbler! I can't believe we flew across the galaxy and had a steam to get lunch for him.
He's pending for a Bending.
It's not his fault he's an unstoppable killing machine.
Is it, snookums? The planet's kerr-ploding! Prepare for liftoff.
We're out of fuel! Bender, I told you to fill the tank.
I'll do it when we get back.
Lucky for us Zapp Brannigan's nearby.
Forget it! I refuse to go crawling back to him.
What do you mean? Nothing.
We just talked.
So? It's not like you slept with him.
Oh, my God! How could you, Leela? I thought you had standards! Jeez, he's a dumb, gross gorilla! Don't you think I feel bad enough already? No! All right, I'll call him.
If living is that important to you.
- that's why you'll never make captain.
Hello, Zapp? - Well, well, well.
- Zapp, we're out of fuel.
Vergon 6 is about to implode.
We need help.
So, crawling back to the Big Z like a bird on its belly.
Delicious.
- Birds don't crawl.
- They've been known to! Are you gonna rescue us or not? Can't you ask a bit more sexfully? Please, Big Z? But first you have to get rid of that thing.
That's the law.
Brannigan's Law is like Brannigan's love.
Hard and fast.
Now put that greasy rat outside and we'll tow you.
I'd never abandon a helpless animal.
You know, once I thought you were a pompous buffoon.
Then I realized that inside you were a child.
Now I realize that outside that child is a pompous buffoon! And which one rocked your world? Way to tell that guy off! What's your escape plan? I guess to sit here and wait for death.
Can do! What the hell was that? Pew! I don't believe it! It's Dark Matter! So this guy just unloaded a steaming pile of starship fuel? His species must've filled the planet with it.
Did you do that, you cute little-? That should be enough fuel to get us out.
Bender, put it in the engine.
We made it! And some of the animals survived! So a couple animals didn't die and Leela got lucky.
That's what I call a successful mission.
We're heroes! Dear diary: I didn't find love on this mission but I did find a cute little companion who excretes fuel.
And that's just as good.
Captain's journal, Stardate, uh April 13th.
April 13th.
Point-two.
We failed to uphold the law.
However, I did make it with a hot alien babe.
And in the end, is that not what man has dreamt of since first he looked up at the stars? Kif, I'm asking you a question.
Oh.