Garfunkel and Oates (2014) s01e04 Episode Script

1 If we combine our efforts, there's nothing we can't do.
You'll support me, but first, I'll support you.
You go first and I'll take the rest.
It'll all work out for the best.
It's on the ground.
It's like it's here to Five hours outside the city is not "just outside" the city.
We've driven a lot longer than five hours for a show.
It's just not how I pictured our 1,000th show.
Is this our 1,000th show? Around there.
Oh, my gosh.
I can't wait to do the next 1,000.
It's five with a double play as Bressman leads with his chin and regains No.
No.
- Now? - No.
No.
- No, you're just Kate, you're blinking.
- I'm winking.
'90s bands that sound like vaginas.
Go.
- Hole.
- Bush.
- Candlebox.
- Smash Mouth.
- Hole.
- You said that first.
My game possibilities are endless, and I just feel really pretty.
- No.
- Did I wink? No.
No.
- Did I do it now? - No.
- You literally are going like this.
- Did I do it? Want to sing the Growing Pains theme song again? Okay.
One, two, three, four.
Show Oh, we're here.
All right.
So, we'll need you back here around 10:15 and we put you on the list, so if you want to come to the show, you're more - Hey, wait! Hold on! Wait! - Where are you going? - Oh.
I can't believe he left.
- We shouldn't have paid him.
I don't think you're supposed to pay drivers in advance.
I thought that was prostitutes.
I think it's both.
You, yeah, you, you're really cool.
You can be anything you wanna be.
Dream your dreams into the sky.
Oh, yeah, you really got it, yeah, now you really got it.
Yeah, hey, you really got it, yeah.
Don't stop being cool.
Why does this always happen to us? I don't know.
We need more of that Morgan Freeman stuff, you know? - Freckles? - Gravitas.
Andy Dufresne.
Oh.
Oh.
- Ugh! - Oh, come on.
Ugh! Shouldn't you two be in a kitchen somewhere? What are you doing here, Dennis? What do you think I'm doing? I'm protesting you guys.
Came all the way up from New York.
Normally I limit my protesting to within the five boroughs, but I decided "Dames R Lame.
" This stuff's really gonna connect.
I decided that I'd make an exception for you, Baby Bones.
Why do you call me Baby Bones? Why do I call you Baby Bones? Are you serious? Look.
I'm just saying what everyone else is thinking.
You're always standing there real small.
You got your miniature guitar, you got your doll clothes and your semi-calcified baby bones that I could just snap like that.
Also I call you Baby Bones so I don't have to call you Sad Turtle.
Oh, poor Sad Turtle.
Hey, check out the sign I made.
"When you should give up, give up "or probably just admit maybe you should get a real job.
"Also, men are better.
Notice no one is laughing.
" Okay, I feel like that could have been worded better.
No, I don't think so.
Hey! Ho! Hey! Get away from there! - Boycott women comics.
- Don't listen to him! - Make sandwiches, not jokes.
- No, that's our show.
Women should be in the kitchen, not on stage.
Dennis, can't you just do that online? That's what Twitter's for.
I'm gonna protest you guys so hard.
You guys are screwed.
This is why I'm so sick of touring.
I think we need our imaginary fan.
- I guess.
- We do.
Let's call her Laura.
- Okay.
- Okay, what do we know about Laura? - Um - Um Laura drove eight hours to see us, okay? And, uh, she's totally broke.
Yeah, and she spent all her money on a ticket for tonight.
And she knows every word to every song.
And her son has leukemia.
I mean, that's dark, but it'll work.
- Doing it for Laura.
- Okay.
Well, this looks like every place ever.
Yeah.
Look on the bright side.
- What's that? - I don't know.
Isn't that supposed to be your job? Girls, welcome to Chuckle Sandwich.
I'm Andrew, the owner.
This is the house of mirth that my mother bequeathed to me.
Which one of you is Garfield? I'm Garfunkel.
And I'm Oates 'cause if I'm not careful, I'll have a mustache.
Eh, kind of looks like you weren't careful.
There's a couple things I want to talk to you about.
The first one is, I've got a note.
Oh, someone sent us a note? Mnh-mnh.
A creative note.
I used to be a stand-up before I became a respected businessman, so I know what I'm talking about.
I was kind of an early-Hedberg-meets-Cosby with a heavy Richard Pryor influence, you know? Anyways, here's the note.
Please no material about your periods.
What is that? This is the other thing I wanted to run up your flagpole.
I want to propose to my girlfriend tonight.
Yeah, Jennifer Ashley Perkins.
Tampa.
Breakout star of that season.
Everybody hated her.
Her catch phrase was "whaaat"? - No.
Sorry.
- Never saw it.
Anyways, I'm thinking about half-way through your set.
- What do you think? - What? You want to propose on stage during our show? Yeah, yeah.
She's not gonna see it coming.
She has no idea whatsoever this is gonna happen.
Yeah, she's not even a fan of musical comedy.
- That's really romantic.
- Right? - Um, where's the green room? - Back there.
Uh, you'll be sharing that with your opener, Flaming Michael Carson.
He does I don't know, wizard tricks on a calculator or something.
Oh, I love calculator magic.
- Do you? - Yeah.
To be honest with you, we tried to get you a stronger opener, but, uh, you know, we didn't.
Why does everyone think we talk about our periods? I don't know.
But I think mine's coming really soon, though.
Oh, my God.
I have mine right now.
And I'm just like, "don't they make bigger tampons than this?" I know.
One time I was at this water park, and there was this little trail of blood - just, like, following me down the water slide.
- Oh, I hate that.
I also hate it when it's, like, chunky, and you're like, "um, did I just miscarry?" I don't know why guys are grossed out by it, though.
- It's just blood.
- I don't know.
My boobs feel so huge, though.
Do they look bigger to you? Yeah, they do.
I'm so excited about this calculator magician.
- You are? - Yeah! Hey.
We're here to sound check.
Hey.
Tom.
Not that anyone's gonna remember my name.
Whatever.
Okay, Tom.
Uh, we have a CD that we rap over.
Ooh, a CD.
Kick ass, Ally Sheedy.
This is really cutting edge.
Did you burn this on your Mac? How do I know what track to play on this thing? Okay, there's only one track on there and we will cue you.
Yeah, we'll be like, "hey, we're bad at giving hand jobs.
Hit it, Tom.
" - Hand jobs? - Mm-hmm.
Ug.
Okay.
Also, there's only one mic up there, but we need two.
Hey, can you step off my jock for, like, two seconds, bossy? Yeah.
But we still need a mic.
So, can you Can you get that for us? Yeah.
'Cause there's two of us.
Oh, it'll happen.
Like, now? Do you just get off on hassling a fellow artist? Man, I could be touring with D.
M.
B.
right now.
You were the sound guy for the Dave Matthews Band? I sold nitrous balloons in the parking lot.
That sounds great.
Um, we We need two mics and we go on in an hour.
So what can we do? How do we make this happen? Whoa, hey, hey, hey, yo.
Hey, I don't know how they do this in the "fly to" states, but here, we don't do it by barking at people.
You know, I quit.
That's definitely not the number I was thinking of.
Are you messing around with my head? I'm not messing I don't like volunteers who go on their own path.
It's called magic, not my my-gic.
- Hey.
- Oh, hey.
What did the manager say? He said the sound guy quits all the time and he'll be back.
I just don't know where we're gonna get another mic.
There used to be a music store.
Then Big Mart came in.
And then that closed because of toxic mold.
- That's your number, right? - No.
Michael, is there another store? No.
- That's your number.
- No.
Th There's only a certain amount of numbers, a finite amount of them.
- That one? - That one looks like it.
- Yes! - Sort of have the same shape.
- You know that breeze you're feeling? - Mm-hmm.
It's your mind being blown.
- Oh.
- Whoo! Ooh, I feel it.
I feel a little excitement.
Hey, Michael.
How long is your act? Oh, it's not long.
It's a cool 30.
It's like a tight 35.
I won't go over 40 no matter what.
Seen that before? It's pi.
I know who has a mic.
I knew you'd come crying to Uncle Dennis.
Please, Dennis.
We wouldn't ask if we weren't super desperate.
Yeah, and you don't need it anyway.
You have such a deep, manly, booming voice.
Thanks, "hot for a comedienne, but eh everywhere else".
- That's my nickname? - Yeah.
'Cause I'm hilarious.
And, no, you can't have this microphone.
That would go against every single thing I stand for.
Dennis, if you don't give us the mic, we can't do a show and then you'll have come here for no reason.
Yeah, everyone will leave and no one will hear all the things that you have to say.
Well, I suppose Jesus did need a flock in order to lead.
Okay.
Okay, I'll tell you what.
I will give you this microphone if you record a video saying that women are not funny.
- No! We are not saying that.
- No way.
- That is never gonna happen.
- That's crazy.
Okay.
I'll give you this microphone if you record a video saying musical comedy is an inferior form of comedy.
- It kind of is, right? - Yeah.
- Okay, fine.
- Yes! Okay, nice.
You said you'd do it.
You can't chicken out.
- Yeah, yeah, let's just get it over with.
- You already said you'd do it.
You said.
You said.
You said "I'd do it.
" Okay.
Okay.
And Action.
- Hi, we're Garfunkel and Oates, and musical comedy - Musical comedy is an inferior form of comedy.
- No! - Don't talk over each other.
Pretend it's one of your terrible songs and censor yourselves.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Now.
- Hi.
- We're Garfunkel and Oates and musical comedy is an inferior form of comedy.
Ha.
People are gonna love that.
It's so true.
I'm gonna post that everywhere.
Okay, are you happy now? Can we please have the mic? Oh, the microphone.
Yes, you can have it for a price.
Why don't you think of a number in your head, then double it, and then think of that number, and then double that number.
$200.
Ha! I was gonna say $30.
Yeah, $200? Sure.
Yeah, take it.
The number in your head was $7.
50? Yeah, I was thinking of $7.
50 and then doubling, doubling it again, yeah.
But $200.
So you were thinking of Sixty-si Four dollars? $50.
- $50.
- Yeah.
Can we have it? Yes, you can have it.
Have fun torturing people.
Thank you.
Enjoy the silence of your act.
Okay.
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Back of the line, ladies.
What? No, no, no.
We're Garfunkel and Oates.
We're the comediennes.
Yeah, right.
Nice try.
Come on.
Back of the line.
No, no, no.
This is our show.
We're performing tonight.
Well, are you on the list? Because unless your name is Pavel the driver, you're not getting in.
No, we put him on the list 'cause this is our show.
Right, right.
Show me some I.
D.
It doesn't say "Garfunkel" on it.
Well, then you're not getting in.
That is it about us that makes you think we're not comediennes? Is it 'cause we're women? No.
Y'all just don't have that "it" factor.
Or whatever it is Zooey Deschanel has when she puts her glasses on.
Y'all ain't got it.
She's the red buttons of our time.
Yes.
Oh.
No.
Look.
- This is us.
- This is us on the sign.
- Yeah.
Look.
We're not funny.
- It's true.
Okay.
Hey, good thing he came along.
Come on in.
- Thank for helping us, Dennis.
- Thank you.
- Bye, Dennis.
- What? You need me to help you? You can't even get into your own show - without a man.
- You hitting that? No, I'm not hitting that.
Why would I hit something without any "it" factor? Don't even think it too loud.
That's also a joke.
Don Don't worry about the patter, folks.
I'm not really going for laughs, obviously.
This is solar-powered.
I need to get more light.
There it is.
There it is! He's been out there for an hour.
I know! The audience is gonna be so freaking tired.
- Ugh.
- This stinks.
Kate, I think Laura might be dying.
Oh, no.
- Mm-hmm.
- Like, she's not gonna make it? No, this is the last show she's ever gonna see.
- Oh, she's keeping it a secret from her family.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, no one's gonna raise her son who has leukemia.
- Oh, man.
- Yeah, we got to do a good show for her.
All right.
Who's Laura? Oh, she's just our imaginary fan that we pretend is in the audience so we do a great show.
I can't believe you're both single.
Look, I just wanted you to know that I've accepted your apology for treating me like a bastard man and I'm back.
Hmm! Thank you.
Thanks so much, Tom.
Sorry again.
Okay, you know what we need? - What? - Andy Dufresne.
- Andy Dufresne.
- Yeah.
- Andy Dufresne.
- Remember in the movie, in Shawshank where it was like he had to crawl through five football fields of shit before you get out there? Yeah.
Right before he, like, posed in the rain, like Right.
Like, we're in, like, our third football field and we have two more to go.
And then we Pose in the rain.
Yeah.
- Let's do it.
- Yeah.
And now I present to you my final trick.
- I have to pee.
- Now? - Yeah.
- You have the worst pee timing.
Well, I can't wait till after our show.
Fine.
I'll go with you.
But the bathrooms are way back there.
Yeah, we can't walk through the crowd.
Where are we gonna go? I can't go.
Me neither.
Oh, how do we relax? Mm, maybe if we make the sound of water? - Just like, shhhhh? - Yeah.
- Shhhh.
- Shhh.
Eh, that's not working.
- No.
- Um Should we sing? - You go first? - Okay.
Okay.
You know an object at rest is depressed.
You can't have inertia with things unexpressed.
By the time I knew politeness was the opposite of brilliance - I'm peeing! - Me too! and lost my resilience without me.
Oh! - Oh! Oh! - Ew! Ew! Ew! Oh, I fell into my pee! Oh, no, no, no.
That's my pee.
Your pee's downhill.
- Ew! Ew! - Are you okay? Yes, but gross! - Ugh! - Oh, my God.
It's locked.
- Hello? - Hello? Let's go around.
This sucks! You're soaked in pee, we don't have a sound guy! Dude, you sound like me.
Get it together! We got to go in there and we got to be funny, so we got to let it go! Unh, unh, unh, ladies.
Where do you think you're going? We are going inside so we can do a show and you can get paid.
You need to do that.
Go ahead.
Hurry up.
Get paid.
I like that part.
Yeah.
Thank you.
No, thank you.
Thank you.
Keep that up.
You just let them in? Women are not funny.
That audience should not be subjected to women.
Singing women? Do you think singing women are funny? I like Heart.
The group Heart? I like the group Heart, too, but they're not funny.
It's like if your accountant did tricks.
That's how I I don't advertise it that way, but think of it that way.
And now please welcome Garfunkel & Oates.
- Thank you.
Hey, guys.
One more time for the Flaming Michael Carson.
In this first song, we play the same woman two years apart.
I'm 29.
And I'm 31.
Same woman, two years apart, singing about love.
This song is called - "29, 31".
- "29, 31".
For the first time in my life, I see it clearly.
I've realized the power of being a woman.
29 years old, and time's on my side.
I'm in my prime, I've hit my stride.
I've got so much charisma and so many options.
It's nice to always have my pick.
There's nobody left.
I'm all alone.
I'm at the top of my game, possibilities are endless, and I just feel really pretty.
I'm holding out for someone who meets my standards.
Won't settle for anything less than perfect.
I know what I want and I can have it.
I'm surrounded by love and peace.
There's nobody left.
I'm all alone.
Why did I wait? What's wrong with me? In two short years, I'm gonna be 33.
Who the hell will want me then, my ovaries are shrinking.
I'm disgusting and everyone feels bad for me, and I never get invited to dinner parties anymore.
There's nobody left.
I'm a catch, just look at me.
I'm all alone.
I'm smart and hot and have lots of interests.
You're such an idiot! The man of my dreams is definitely out there.
You think you're so special, 'cause people tell you that now, but that will stop.
He's my future, he's the one.
They'll be replaced with looks of pity.
The world is a buffet of love.
Everything happens for a reason.
You know, I truly believe that.
Yeah, you said that before.
Just say, "hey, universe, I'm ready!" It'll happen when you least expect it.
Well, I don't expect it at all now.
So I guess it's right around the corner.
Maybe you're putting out the wrong vibe.
Maybe you're closed off to love.
Let me tell you a secret.
It's called The Secret.
Here's another secret.
You're an asshole.
Your negativity is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The reason things go well for me is 'cause of positivity.
Well, I'm positive fertility always begins to atrophy, when infantile fantasy eclipses true reality.
It never once occurred to me that things won't work out perfectly.
When God closes a door, you see, He opens a window.
You realize that's a smaller opening, right? You used to be able to just walk out a door.
And now you have to climb out some slightly-ajar window somewhere possibly falling, like, eight stories to your death.
That is not an upgrade.
And you know what else? There's nobody left.
7 billion people on the planet.
I'm all alone.
My options will never, ever run out.
Aaah! You can't love someone else till you love yourself.
You can't love someone else till you love yourself.
Aaaaah! You can't love someone else till you love yourself.
'Cause life is - Good.
- Over.
T Tom, can you fix the mic, please? Don't you know how to say please? I did say please.
Were you raised next to an airport? I will not be yelled at! I'm a sound man, a man of sound! A s Shh Oh.
Shove it! Thank you.
Okay, so, uh, Riki and I are really bad at giving hand jobs.
Yeah.
And we wrote a rap song about it.
- Hit it, Tom.
- Hit it, Tom.
Tom, now would be a really great time to play that CD we gave you, please? Hello, ladies and gentlemen.
Oh, um We have a very special surprise for you guys tonight.
Uh, the manager.
Oh, they know who I am.
How's everybody tonight? - Where'd he get the extra mic? - Just take a couple seconds here.
Allen, if you please.
There's a very special lady in the audience tonight, Jennifer.
Ever since I saw you Tampa I knew you were the one and I, well, you're just so damn hot and And pretty nice, really.
That's, uh, that's why I would love it if you would share what's left of my life with me.
Huh? Oh, wait.
- No.
No, no.
I don't think we should - Yeah, let them hear you.
No.
We should talk about this in private.
No, no.
Now's a good time.
Private's not an option.
Everyone's looking.
- Okay.
Well - Go ahead.
Oh, okay.
It's pretty.
Well, if you had asked me earlier, I I might have been like, "whatever, might as well.
" - Yeah.
- But then I just heard that "29, 31" song, and I was like, "whaaat?" I'm only 28.
I still have a few years left before things get really bleak for me.
I got to see what kind of dude I can land while I'm still hot.
Yeah, but I'm offering you a future now.
I know.
And if I was that 31-year-old bag, you know, the blonde one with no options, I would do it for sure, but I'm not.
I feel like hearing that song was a sign from The Secret.
So No.
Jen Jennifer.
Thank you, Garfunkel & Oates.
Um, well.
So, uh, that was uncomfortable.
But, you know what, we promised you a comedy show and, uh, we are gonna give you a comedy show.
Hey, Tom, now would be a great time to play that CD so we'll get the show on the road.
Sorry.
I quit again.
Okay.
- You know what? - So, we are gonna do this song with no mics and no backing track.
- 'Cause who needs 'em? - Let's do it.
Okay.
I got a problem and I can't contain it.
I'll use my icky, sticky rhymes and help me explain it.
Handy J's are like Stonehenge to me.
Robert Stack can't even unsolve this mys How are we gonna get home? And thus it is proven once and for all that women do not belong in comedy.
You know what, Dennis? - What? - You can try to bring us down, - but it's not gonna work.
- Ooh.
- 'Cause idiots like you helped us - Oh, real nice calling me an idiot.
- Yeah.
You're an idiot.
- Real nice calling me an idiot.
- You're an idiot! - Oh.
And you helped us build the resources to keep your bullshit out of our head space.
And we're strong now, Dennis.
We are doing stuff on a level that you can't even see.
- Unh, unh, I can't see.
- You can't.
You can try to keep us down, but it's never going to work, so you might as well give up.
Also, Dennis, we're really tired and we need a ride.
So, it'd be great if you could just see us as people and not the enemy and maybe just help us out.
All right, I'll give you a ride.
Really? Yeah, but I I need money for gas.
Uh, $200.
- Great.
- Okay.
- You're gonna give me $200? - Yeah.
- Sure.
- Great.
Oh! - Thank you.
- Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah, we'll go get ice cream or something after.
- Maybe.
- Okay.
Okay, yeah.
All right.
- Wow.
- Okay.
What was that? I don't know.
- But now we're going to have to ride with Dennis.
- Ew! - Garfunkel & Oates! - Garfunkel & Oates! - What?! - Garfunkel & Oates? - Yeah! - Oh, my God.
We love you guys so much! - Oh.
- Thank you.
- We're, like, your number-one fans.
- Yeah! - Oh, my God.
- Oh, that's so sweet.
Thank you.
Yeah, seriously.
My grandfather died a few hours ago and you really just took my mind right off it.
Oh, that's great.
- I'm really sorry about your grandfather.
- Yeah.
Oh, yeah, you know, it happens.
Oh, I'm Shelly, by the way.
This is Laura.
- Hi.
- Wait.
Your name is Laura? Yeah.
- That is so cool.
- That's awesome.
Ah! I feel like a sign.
It's so nice to meet you.
- Yeah.
- I know This is a weird question, but I just have to ask.
Um, does your son have leukemia? Um, no.
My son doesn't have leukemia.
A And also, I don't have a son, so - Oh.
- That's cool.
All right.
- Yeah.
- Just checking.
- Got to check, I guess.
- Yeah.
Okay, well Congrats again! Love you guys! Thanks for the show, guys.
Thank you.
- Okay.
- All right.
I'm just gonna take that as a positive interaction.
That wasn't Laura, but it totally could have been.
- Yeah, her son could have leukemia.
- Right.
- She could have had a son.
- Totally.
Never know.
- I mean, lots of people have sons.
- Yeah.
Hurry up! Why am I helping you guys?! You know, this was the worst gig ever.
Mm-hmm.
At least we have the best story.
Yeah, that's true.
- Mm.
- Happy 1,000th show.
Yeah.
Here's to the next 1,000.
Really? - Yeah.
- Where is it? What are you looking for? Well, I've never told you guys this, but I am a musician.
I mean, not like you guys.
I am a real musician.
- Oh, cool.
- Okay.
I'm a jazz singer and I just came out with a demo, which I would like to play for you.
Do you see it in there? No.
I I only see parking tickets and tampons.
Those parking tickets are not mine.
I guess I'll just have to sing it for you guys.
- Oh.
- That's all right, though.
- We're good.
- Count me off.
Three, four.
Zippity zippity bop! A-zippity zippity bop! A-zippity zippity boppity boppity zippity zippity bop! A-zippity zippity bop! A-zippity zippity