Ghosts (2021) s01e04 Episode Script

1 Hey! I noticed someone ate all the Oreos I bought, which is crazy because I've had them in the house for less than 24 hours.
I didn't want to say anything, but I think the contractor ate them.
Liar! He is a liar! I watched him eat the whole thing.
Cookie Bogarter! Really? The contractor? Yeah.
And if you want to blow up the renovations 'cause of some cookies, I got your back 100%, but I think that might be shortsighted.
I witnessed the gluttonous feast; it was unseemly.
There was shame in the man's eyes.
Wait, what are you looking at? Is it the ghosts? Crumbs everywhere! Why not use plate? They're telling on me, aren't they? - You are busted.
- This isn't fair.
You got a whole team of spies watching my every move.
I mean, they don't tell me everything.
Well, one of the cookies fell to the floor, after which he ate it.
- Oh, you ate a floor Oreo? - Not cool, guys! Not cool.
I would have called it a "Flooreo.
" That's just my improv training kicking in.
Flooreo.
I wish I possessed the ability to write that down.
You know, every time I talk to the contractor, it's like he adds another two weeks to the timeline, or five grand to the budget.
Well, you know what? Here's an idea.
Next time we see him, let's just run away.
Bulletproof plan, babe.
Hi, there.
Oh, who's this? Henry and Margaret Farnsby.
Wealthy next-door neighbors.
Total squares.
Henry and Margaret Farnsby.
Wealthy next-door neighbors.
Total squares.
Did you just say, "total squares?" Ghost word.
I guess they're uptight.
Yeah, man, they're all like "rules, yay!" Oh, butterfly.
I'm Margaret Farnsby.
This is my husband, Henry.
- Hey.
- We've been dying to swing by, say welcome.
Drop off some of my award-winning cupcakes.
First place at the St.
Anne's parish bake sale seven years running.
Not that we like to brag.
He's lying, we love to brag.
You are so sweet.
I'm Samantha, this is Jay.
Fair warning, he's a pretty talented chef himself.
Yeah, might give your cupcakes a run for their money this year, Margaret.
Well, I certainly don't think that would be appreciated.
Oh, no, I was kidding.
Oh! Our new neighbors are funny.
I love it! Bless you.
Pardon.
Uh, allergies.
Sneezing in public.
So unladylike.
I told her a nip of cocaine would wipe that hay fever right out, but does she listen? I'm sorry, did you say cocaine? Mm-hmm.
Everyone knows cocaine's excellent for allergies.
Okay, well, in the 1980s it was a Schedule II narcotic.
Well, Peter, in the 1880s it was a medical wonder drug.
From headache to hysteria, four out of five barbers prefer cocaine.
We heard you're doing some construction, emphasis on the "heard.
" Sorry, it'll just be a little while.
We're fixing the place up.
Yeah, we're gonna turn it into a pretty sick bed-and-breakfast.
Pretty sick? No Oh, sick is like, it's a good thing.
Yeah.
It's like slang.
Slang and earrings.
That's fun.
I don't love the idea of a "pretty sick" business adjoining our property.
Well, you know, I think, I think you're just getting caught up on that one phrase.
Well, I don't know if you're aware, but the zoning rules of our local Historical Preservation Board require you to seek a permit to operate as a B and B.
Oh, I'm aware.
We've applied for all the permits.
Oh, yeah, every single one.
Well, I-I don't see this getting approved.
Well, uh, with all due respect, it's not really up to you.
Actually, it is.
You see, I'm the head of the Preservation Board.
Enjoy those cupcakes.
Oh, I loathe the Farnsbys.
They've been the Woodstone family rivals for generations.
Oh, yeah, their family were also robber barons, right? Yes, but please don't put us in the same category.
The children that worked in our factories were far happier.
Hey, hey, Henry! Margaret! Wait up, wait up, wait up.
Listen, I-I think you got the wrong impression of us, okay? We're not some young, crazy city folk trying to run a rock 'n' roll hotel.
No.
We're not even that cool.
I mean, Jay, he plays with action figures.
Well, I don't play with them, 'cause if you play with them it lowers value.
- See? Not cool.
- Okay.
Uh, you know what? Why don't you guys just come over for dinner tonight, and then you'll see.
You'll see, we're-we're just a normal couple.
Well, I suppose I wouldn't mind a meal from a professional chef.
Yes, we'd love to come.
Great.
- Already got dessert.
- Oh.
I just want to pet you.
Whee-hee-hee.
So, I'm thinking we go full charm offensive.
We butter them up, and then we reopen the discussion about the B and B.
Mm-hmm.
Oh! This is too much food for just two people.
Wait a minute, are we having a dinner party? Yeah, we sort of made a bad impression on the neighbors.
Yeah, I know.
I was there.
- Oh, Pete just came in.
- The arrow guy? Or the award-winning travel agent or the great dad.
But sure, Arrow Guy, let's go with that.
So, what time is soup on? You know, it's kind of a big night for us, so I was sort of hoping maybe you guys would just give us some space.
Uh, yes, sir, Pete, you gots to go.
- No ghosts allowed.
- But we love dinner parties.
The smells, the fashions, the banter.
But sure, there's other stuff we can do.
- Yeah, is that okay? - Yeah.
There's a spider in the attic that's spinning some pretty interesting stuff.
Oh, and I haven't tried to remember all the Star Trek characters' names in a bit.
I mean, there's Spock, obviously.
What is she talking about, we can't attend the dinner party? Who is coming? Well, the Farnsbys.
All the more reason to have us.
They're terrible company.
No, Samantha will be appreciative we're there.
She actually explicitly said she'd appreciate it if we were not there.
But there hasn't been a dinner party here in over a decade; this isn't fair.
Ah, I live for dinner parties.
The repartee, the gentle mocking of the hostess when she leaves the room.
"You call those potatoes, Abigail?" That kind of thing, you know.
- It's settled.
We shall attend.
- Yes.
Wait, what are we attending? Guys, she was really adamant.
She does not want us there.
Oh, fine.
Then, as a compromise for Samantha, I shall limit the guest list to me and three ghosts of my choosing.
No, that is not what she wants.
Wait, why do you get to choose? Because I built this house.
And that smart aleck question, along with your incomplete formal attire, leaves you out in the cold.
You can't keep me out.
No, but Thor can, as my muscle and my dear honored guest.
Yes! Made list! Congratulations.
The other two attendees shall be Alberta and Isaac.
Huzzah! I had plans, but I'll move some things around.
Okay, this is insane.
When I was alive, I threw the party.
I I made the par I was the party.
Hetty, please.
I need this.
This sad display certainly made me confident in my decision.
Welcome to our humble abode.
Thank you.
We brought you a bottle - from our private collection.
- Thank you.
Damn, that is some good shh chardonnay.
Let me show you to the dining room.
Presenting neighbors Henry and Margaret Farnsby.
- Thor, what are you doing? - Hetty told me to.
Oh, no.
Samantha, is this tablecloth a joke? It is for a picnic.
Ooh.
What vintage is that? Let me see.
No A Woodstone Mansion tradition! He is so funny.
And you are so clumsy.
Service! So what do you guys do for fun? You know what we've just recently discovered is pickleball.
- Mm.
- Yeah.
Fastest growing sport in America.
That's true.
Boring! Thor tell better story of time he battled pack of wolves.
- But it's not squash.
- No.
- That's a common misconception.
- Mm-hmm.
She-wolf lunge at Thor.
Thor grab she-wolf by neck, gouge eyes and then punch in genital! - any other sports.
- Mm.
I'm sorry.
Is it my drinking? Am I overdoing it? I told you, honey, people notice.
Oh, no, no, I just had an itch on my neck.
If anything, you're not drinking enough.
Little more? Thor! No one at a classy dinner party wants to hear about you murdering - a pack of wolves! - Tell me more about pickleball.
Cammy MacGregor, Tyson McGuffin - these are some of the giants of the sport.
- Mm-hmm.
Not literal giants, of course.
Height is a huge disadvantage in pickleball Psst.
Hey.
Hetty.
Not on the list.
Security? because of the height of the net and - Sorry.
- I I'm actually here for Trevor.
The poor guy seems really torn up.
Now, I know Hetty said no, - but what do you think, Sam? - Uh, which is often - mispronounced as "bad-mitten.
" - Mm.
- Silent "N"? - Sam.
- No, no.
- Oh, no, can she not hear us anymore? - Hey, Sam? - No silent "N.
" - Sam?! Sam! - Uh, but, uh Enough.
Of sitting around this table.
Am I right? Jay, why don't you take our guests for a tour? Okay.
Yeah.
Huh, it's a little bit weird, but it was an awfully creamy bisque.
Just follow me this way and we'll walk that cream right off.
Okay, you guys have to behave.
There is a lot riding on this dinner for us.
Like what? Details aren't important.
Maybe we get general area? Fine.
We have to win over the Farnsbys so they give us a permit to open our B and B.
But we don't want the B and B.
I know.
That's why I was hiding it from you.
A few guests at a dinner party, we can deal with.
But a full hotel? My God, that'd be chaos.
Oh, I wasn't thinking it'd be anything like that.
I thought it'd be small and quaint, like the inn on Newhart.
Is that what you were thinking, Sam? I don't know what Newhartis, but I like that you're on my side.
Really? Delightful sitcom about a stammering innkeeper? Nothing? It was really popular in the '80s.
I wasn't even alive in the '80s, Pete.
Well, I'm not alive now but I still love Newhart.
We don't want hotel! - Absolutely not.
- Mm-mm.
No.
Well, you should want hotel, because no hotel, no me.
Who helps you watch TV? Who is writing your memoir? Well, actually, on that, I do have a few notes.
If we can't build the B and B, we're gonna have to sell this place.
And God knows who would buy it.
Certainly not somebody who can actually see you and do things for you and help make your afterlives better.
So unless you want to throw all that away, I'm gonna need your help.
All right.
We will help, but it will be begrudgingly.
Well? It was a hard no.
You're still not invited.
Ugh.
Bummer.
Come on.
Trevor, you are not taking this well, huh? Okay, look, I never told anyone this, but in 1999, I was left off the guest list for a Fourth of July party on a yacht.
There were Maximmodels there.
There was a vodka luge that looked like cleavage.
And I heard that a guy from Bear Stearns made out with Natasha Henstridge.
That could've been me, Pete.
That could've been me.
Trevor, I did not understand that story or the points you were making, but I am so sorry.
Being left out hurts.
One time, my throuple made love without me.
Just the two of them.
How does that even work? Okay, guys, this isn't over.
If you like ordinance 6.
B.
12, you are going to love ordinance 6.
B.
13.
- I'm at the edge of my seat.
- Makes two of us.
Oh, gadzooks, what a couple of lickspittles.
Excuse me, didn't Sam instruct us to clam up our kissers? Yes.
If I can reserve comment on Sam's whorish lipstick, the rest of you can hold your tongues.
to smaller lots and-and Uh, everything all right? Yes.
I-I was just checking my makeup, which, if anything, is conservative by today's standards.
Let's say I want to turn the garage into a man cave.
Now, that is a very interesting question.
Mm.
Uh, the garage constitutes an existing structure, the demolition of which is strictly prohibited.
But, uh, making changes to the interior, that only requires permission from the M.
R.
S.
department.
- M.
R.
S.
? - The missus.
Oh! No dinner, no peace! No dinner, no peace! - We're crashing the party! - Oh, God, no.
What is the meaning of this, showing up to a dinner party uninvited? Thorfinn.
Hey, man, this is a nonviolent protest.
Not anymore.
Come here.
Hey, hey.
Ooh, that looks yummy.
Are you gonna finish smelling that? I'm gonna make you my little farm boy! Well, if everybody's just doing what they want - I've had a man - Thor, - you're making them look - Sam? Sam.
so crazy! any changes you like to the interior of, uh Oh! His teeth are so sharp! Hallway now! Jay, can we please meet up in the hallway now? We need to check the breaker.
These lights are acting up.
Excuse us.
Yeah.
S sorry.
Okay, I'm gonna put this plainly for all of you.
You need to back off and let us have our dinner party in peace.
Oh, yeah! It's definitely the breaker! Samantha, I must protest.
We have just as much of a right to attend this dinner party as you.
No.
Because this is our house.
We've been here longer than you.
Yeah, and guess what we're alive.
- Hey.
- Ooh.
- Alive? - Ouch.
Didn't expect you to drop the A-word on us.
Not cool.
She is worse than wolf.
No, it it wasn't supposed This is not the kind of thing that would ever happen on Newhart.
It was gentle humor.
Never at anyone's expense.
Never mean.
Unlike some people.
and may I just say, your duck was fantastic.
You may.
And you may say it again.
Jay, I feel terrible about the ghosts.
I know.
You'll fix it later, okay? - Eyes on the prize.
- Okay.
Should I open another one? Ooh! Oh, I don't know.
If I let Margie have another glass, - I might have to leave her here overnight.
- Oh.
Fine with me.
Zing.
Ah, ha-ha! Oh, we're having such a good time.
This is so fun.
And and while we're having so much fun, I was hoping maybe we could revisit that little zoning issue.
Uh, you guys are fun.
Maybe too much fun? Excuse me? This is a quiet community.
We like quiet people.
The last thing we need is some raucous hotel hosting pool parties and midnight raves.
That's great, because that's not at all what we're planning.
No, no! We're not even thinking of this as a hotel.
It'll be more like a a quaint B and B.
- It's a few guests.
It's a few families.
- Mm.
It's gonna be very, very wholesome.
Says Mr.
Earrings.
It'll be like Newhart.
Whoa.
You know Newhart? Yeah.
I guess you could say I know my favorite show.
I thought it was Sex and the City.
- Talk about a finale.
- Oh.
- Oh.
I could.
All day.
- Favorite episode? - You you go first.
- Uh I will.
As soon as I go to the bathroom.
And you go.
Separately.
But I know his schedule.
Mm.
Me, too.
Uh yep.
Please, Pete, I need your Newhartknowledge.
Is a sentence my wife just said to an invisible person.
I want to help, but I got to stick with my troop on this one.
Please, please, please, please, please, please? Seriously, man? You just told us to get lost.
Now she's begging for reinforcements, like she's William Howe at the Battle of White Plains.
No? No? No White Plains - aficionados in the house? - I love White Plains.
Went to Laurie Schender's bat mitzvah there in '82.
Pretty exclusive invite, by the way.
The kid from Silver Spoons was there.
I feel terrible.
I-I mean, I know it seems like I'm just saying that now because I need your help.
But I felt bad before.
Jay can back me up.
Uh, yep.
She felt really bad, people.
- Like that's worth a damn.
- These nights are a big deal for us.
It's our chance to feel human again, even if it's only for a few hours.
But after tonight, a lot of us are feeling less alive than we ever have.
Look, I haven't been around as long as you guys.
And, apparently, I still have a lot to learn.
Because this isn't my house.
This is our house.
Do you really mean that, Samantha? I really do.
I take it back.
She less bad than wolf.
Thank you, Thorfinn.
And whether you guys want to help or not, I want you to come back and join us for dessert.
- All of you.
- Yes! - All right.
- T-Money back in the game.
Well, I suppose we accept.
Now, something people don't know - is that the show's opening credits - Now, something people don't know - is that the show's opening credits - were filmed in New Hampshire.
- were filmed in New Hampshire.
- Even though, as everyone Even though, as we all know, the show took place in rural Vermont.
You weren't kidding.
You know your Newhart.
I am impressed.
Most people your age have absolutely no appreciation for classic television.
- No, and forget about art - Ah.
wine, cinema, wine, jazz Oh, jazz, we love jazz.
If I had to name my favorite artists Sidney Bechet, Fletcher Henderson.
Sidney Bechet, Fletcher Henderson.
Louis Armstrong.
What? You talk, I listen.
Amazing.
It is so rare to find someone who has an appreciation for anything that came before them.
- Well, that's the problem with young people today.
- Well, that's the problem with young people today.
Y yes.
Exactly.
Exactly! - Exactly.
- Exactly! Exactly.
Ha-ha-ha.
Yeah.
Young people are the worst.
- That was incredible.
- Right? Call me crazy, but this might actually work.
- Mm-hmm.
- Wait, weren't there a lot more of those before? Um How many of those have you had today? Uh, he had at least four.
- One? - Cupcake Bogarter.
They're telling on me, aren't they? I can't live like this.
- I have an idea.
- Mm-hmm.
How about a morning game of pickleball? Uh, I don't think so.
Oh, come on, dear.
If we're not going to use the court, then why on earth did we tear down the carriage house to build it? Wait, tear down the carriage house? - Did you hear that? - Ooh.
Coffee and cupcakes.
Margaret, these look delicious.
So, just between the four of us "And my other brother Darryl.
" Just say it.
And my other brother Darryl.
Oh! There's got to be something we can do about this zoning issue, right? Jay, Samantha, I am man enough to admit when I have missed the mark.
How 'bout this? - I'll push through the permits.
- Serious? Oh, my God.
That's amazing.
In exchange for a small donation to the Historical Preservation Fund.
Excuse me? H how big a small donation? Well, a suggested donation is $20,000.
Uh, you can make the check out to me.
The scoundrel.
- So baller.
- Think it over.
And, uh, thank you here we go, Margaret - Mm-hmm.
- Yes uh, for an absolutely wonderful, wonderful evening.
We will show ourselves out.
Thank you so much for coming! I wasted the duck on a total shakedown.
We can't afford $20,000.
Uh, Samantha.
What? We've come across some information on the Farnsbys.
And the train goes in the tunnel, out the other side.
- Well done, well done.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey.
Maybe next time we'll come to your place for pickleball.
- Oh.
Oh.
- On your home court.
Where the carriage house used to be.
Wait a minute, that would violate ordinance 6.
B.
13, which says you can't demolish existing structures.
Oh, chardonnay.
Take that.
- Checkmate.
- Oh! Your wife is drunk.
Are you trying to use my own ordinances against me? Oh, no, no, no, no Yes, that's exactly what we're doing.
- Ooh! Mmm.
- Good for her.
Mmm.
Spicy lady.
Well, this would certainly be an awkward situation if I hadn't been completely kidding about the donation.
Congratulations on your permit.
Come along, Margaret.
Easy on the stairs.
And we want access to that pickleball court! - What? Why do we want that? - I don't know.
They made it sound fun.
Take that, Farnsbys! Another generation of Woodstone prevails.
And that is how we do it in our house.
Up top.
No, just-just put your hand up.
- Close enough.
- Ooh, girl.
You throw one hell of a dinner party.
Yeah, maybe next time I'll get invited.
Trevor, listen.
Don't you know that to throw a truly exclusive party, one needs a prominent snub.
Of course.
It's like when the Blue Room wouldn't let Leo in.
That's what put them on the map.
You knew that, in this house, I'm the Leo? Mm-hmm.
You're the Leo.
I'm the Leo.
I'm the Leo.
I am lying.
It was the pants thing.
Well, I guess the ghosts spying on us really came in handy, huh? Uh, I don't have any personal privacy and I'm terrified to shower, but, yeah, I guess this time they really came through.
Hey, which one knew so much about Newhart? - Oh, Pete.
- Oh! Arrow Guy! Way to hit the target, brother.
"Arrow Guy"? Still?! Unbelievable!