Gimme Gimme Gimme (1999) s01e04 Episode Script

Gimme, gimme, gimme
a man after midnight
Won't somebody help me
chase the shadows away?
Gimme, gimme, gimme
a man after midnight
Take me through the darkness
to the break of the day
There's not a soul out there
No-one to hear my prayer
Gimme, gimme, gimme a man! ♪
Keep still!
This is really good of you.
I used to be taller.
With age, we shrink. Apparently,
Anne Robinson's 3-foot-8.
- Seen the News Of The World?
- Thought you didn't read it.
- I - don't, but apparently there's
a Simon Shepherd special offer.
With 15 tokens, you can buy ALL the
Peak Practices for £3.99. Marvellous!
- What a rip-off.
- I'll be the belle of the ball!
The Working Woman's reunion
won't know what's hit 'em.
- Ohhh! - There's going to be
a talent contest.
- It's in the bloody bin!
- I'll do one of my old routines.
Sleep with a GI
for a pair of nylons?
I haven't danced
since the day Thatcher resigned.
Why?
I had an unfortunate incident with
an apple pie in a fast food chain.
I can't name it for libel reasons
but he was old and he had a farm.
You shouldn't be reading
right-wing propaganda!
Oh, what joy! "My 12-in-a-bed sex romp
with Hartlepool FC, by Sugar Walls!"
- Slag!
- Oh, I'm a huge fan of Sugar Walls.
I curse the day that hot fruit
dribbled down my thigh.
WE curse the day you were born.
- Otherwise I could've danced on Stars
In Their Eyes. - I applied for that.
As Mama Cass?
No, that bird out of M People.
Aw, poor Sugar!
She's on her seventh divorce.
When I auditioned, Matthew Kelly
could not get enough of me,
He said we were soulmates.
When I blacked up,
they threw me out on my ear.
PHONE RINGS
Shall I get that?
Yes, why don't I get that?
- What's HIS problem?
- He's gay.
- Linda.
- Say I'll call 'em back.
I'm three pins away from an even 'em.
- I'll show you my routine later.
- I may not be free.
Sundays, I wax my legs.
Mummy said if you had legs like silk,
you could always get a man.
Right, that's even.
Well, who was it?
Was it Liam? Is he leaving Patsy?
Is he on his way over?
Yes, dream on, hot pubes!
How does Beryl look?
Um Princess Margaret on smack.
Is she?!
Get out.
Oh, that's nice, innit?
Not even a thank you.
- Well, who was it? - Sharon.
On her way over. Who's Sharon?
It's my sister.
MAKES VOMITING NOISES
Linda, you don't have a sister!
What are you talking about?!
HYSTERICAL HEAVY BREATHING
- What's the matter?
- Gimme air, gimme air, gimme air!
HYPERVENTILATES
Now, look, what is going on?!
Sugar Walls' real name
is Sharon Le Hughes.
She's my sister!
She can't be, she's gorgeous!
- She's a dog!
- She's a gay icon!
- So am I! - No, no, no, no. You see,
you're what we call a fag hag.
Just don't open the door!
Sugar is the thinking man's Mandy Smith!
You'd have told me
if you had a celebrity sister!
There are two names you don't drop.
Sugar Walls and Cheryl Baker.
I've known her since she was an egg.
All's she's ever been is trouble.
She's let me down more times
than a Lilo.
I don't expect much from life,
but I DO expect loyalty.
- Is it too much to ask?
- Of course not!
Ahh, for the love of Twiggy,
we haven't hoovered!
I want to be sympathetic, but we've
a celebrity en route and dusty rugs.
I knew we should've bought a hoover,
but Linda says, "The carpet's nice
and dark, it'll blend in." Look!
Pray she's not asthmatic!
I don't want a celebrity murder
on my hands!
I don't want THIS to become
the death place of Sugar Walls!
There'll be coach parties!
Chinese folk with state-of-the-art cameras.
69 Paradise Passage
will for ever be known as a tomb!
- Death's too good for that bitch!
- What sort of a sister are you?!
Spurned!
Don't you DARE be vulgar!
MAN AND WOMAN GIGGLING
- Hi, Tommity pie!
- Hello.
- Want some whipped cream?
- No!
Can I borrow your hoover?
Need the attachments?
I know you're single.
No, I just want to borrow
your hoover.
It's got settings for different
floor types. Isn't that great?
Our favourite's deep shag!
- Guess who's coming round! - Can we?
- Gimme the hoover first.
- Suze loves guessing games.
- Does she, does she?
- Well, it's a celebrity.
- Fern Britton. - Pam Ayres.
Dirty old slapper who's been on TV.
BOTH: Ulrika Jonsson!
No, Sugar Walls is coming round!
Can you believe it?
She's Linda's sister.
Isn't that amazing?
Damn, I wanted it to be Pam Ayres!
DOORBELL
Shit! Too late!
- Don't even think about it!
- Oh, naff off!
- Paparazzi search!
- No, there's no-one, no-one!
- Which one?
- This way.
If you talk to the press,
I'm not Sugar Walls.
- Are you Pam Ayres?
- Yes, yes.
Prove it.
My name is Pam Ayres
and I be likin' flares.
Especially the sort
that come in pairs.
Quickly! Autograph book!
Sunday is leg-waxing day. Why
should I change my plans for YOU?
- Right Olive.
- Don't call me that!
I had nowhere else to go.
I'm running from the press.
They wouldn't expect to find me
in a shit-hole like this.
You can only judge a shit-hole
by the turds that pass through it.
Is your name Olive?
NO! And, you, keep it schtum!
- Never seen On The Buses?
- Yes, I have!
Just like her!
Sugar, is it a hideous nightmare
being on the run from the press?
I imagine it is.
- Fact of life, innit?
- They printed such lies about you.
12-in-a-bed sex romp
with a football team!
- Lies?
- Ugh, oh, oh!
Where's my leg waxing cream?!
OUR motto is, if it's got a pulse,
it's got a chance.
I've got standards!
MY gentlemen callers are barristers,
financiers, restaurateurs.
- Isn't that right, Tom?
- Well, we had a pizza delivered once.
Fascinating. I'm gonna crash.
- Please take my bed. It would be
an honour. - I'm sure, babes.
Sugar Walls called ME babes!
Did you hear that?
Did ya, did ya, did ya, did ya?
God, she's so beautiful!
She's so quick-witted, so raw!
She's been to the brink,
stared despair in the face,
then dragged herself back
by her slingbacks!
- What are you doing?
- Have you used my Immac?! - Gerroff!
Degsy, it's Tom. Guess what!
Don't divulge this to a soul!
- Guess who's round our flat!
- Seen better legs on an oil rig.
No, guess again!
No, guess again One more time.
I'm moving on up,
I'm moving on out
I'm moving on up,
nothing can stop me, no! ♪
Is he gay?
This room's a bit over the top.
It's MINE!
Mummy would turn in her grave
if she knew I'd taken you in!
She'd be alive if she
hadn't been so fat!
She died of a broken heart
cos of YOU!
She electrocuted herself
on her Slendertone pads.
KNOCK
- AS PAM AYRES: - 'Ow do you do, Pam?
Know who I am? - Oh, get out!
- I'll help you find the DILAPIDATORY cream.
- How did I break Mum's heart?
Dating Shane Richie,
showing your tits in The Sun,
shagging pop stars!
Do you want me to go on?!
I'm an actor and I've been likened
to Robert Carlyle
Go and find my cream!
- Don't be horrible to him, you!
Tim's all right. - Er, it's Tom.
Sugar, what is it like
representing the UK,
in the Eurovision Song Contest?
- Phenomenally exciting, is it?
- It's all right.
I'm one of the cognoscenti.
First up were the
Macedonian twins with a didgeridoo,
Then that large lesbian yodelled for Serbia.
Remember?
Yodel For Peace,
I think it was called. So haunting.
And then, oh, the anticipation!
Et maintenant, representant Le
Royaume Uni, Miss Sugar Walls!
Da-dada da-da ♪
The orchestra struck up,
and you leapt out of
that enormous handbag!
And singing like Helen Keller
with tonsillitis!
The "Dee Doo Dum Dum"
went platinum in Iceland, Linda.
The Birdie Song
went platinum there!
You're popular on the gay scene.
So's amyl nitrate, mate,
and they both smell of old socks!
I was down to the last three
to be Debbie McGee?
- Really?
- Gutted over that.
She's got a lovely life with Paul.
I've got a life! Se that scar,
I got that scar
when I was bottled in a fight
in the Hooker and Firkin pub!
It's called being a part
of the real world mate,
something you don't know nothing about!
One of the happiest nights
of my life actually.
The other girl lost two teeth
and her short-term memory.
Bitch! I do NOT look like
Elizabeth the First.
You can be beautiful
AND be part of the real world.
Don't you think
I'm living proof of that?
Mum didn't half fill your head with crap!
Every girl needs to be told
they're pretty,
but with some people,
it's more a case of taking the piss.
Why are you horrid about Mummy?
She was a rock when I was in Borstal!
She wrote to me, sent food parcels,
nail clippings.
I ran away.
You can't blame me!
- Know how I was born, Tom?
- Oh, here we go.
Mummy went into labour
in Smokers' World.
She gave birth on a crate
of John Players Specials.
They called me John for two weeks.
They didn't realise I was a girl.
- You can't live in the past.
- What do you expect?!
I was down to today was wax my bikini line,
then the past slaps me round
my practically perfect face!
Just ignore her. So what does the
future hold for Miss Sugar Walls?
Anything large up your pipeline?
I'm doing my own fitness video.
Thrust For Life!
- Fully cast? - No, I need blokes
in Lycra who can do a crab.
I did movement at drama school.
Got fantastic legs for Restoration!
Well, watch and learn.
DOORBELL
Could you get that for me,
please, Linda?
This could be a
whole new opening for me.
- How's tricks?
- What do you want?
- We just wanted to borrow something.
- What?
- Anything.
- We'll just browse.
Something from the living room?
- Or maybe the kitchen?
- No, darling, not the kitchen.
- Come quickly, Sugar Walls is stuck
in the crab. - Why do I bother?!
Sugar Walls AND Pam Ayres
in the same flat, together!
- Who shall we do first?
- Sugar. Save the best till last!
Phworrr!
You'll never learn, will yer?
Watch my tits!
Only had 'em done last year!
- Fantastic. - Wanna see 'em before -
two aspirin on an ironing board.
- Hi, cats!
- GET OUT!
- Who are they?
- I'm Suze. Lindy and Tom-Tom's pal.
Would you mind?
Just sign it to Suze and Jez
with a big showbiz kiss.
One whiff of a celebrity, everyone
is round like sheep! Baaaa! Baaaa!
- Ooh, got any bubbly?
- I don't drink.
Like saying Carol Vorderman
doesn't do sums!
I go in search of Moet
for Miss Walls.
- Baaaa!
- BERYL!
You were an added bonus.
We came to see Pam Ayres.
Is she in Tom's room?
Yeah, with Boney M, Isla St Clair
and Manhattan Transfer!
Why'd you REALLY come? You've never
run away from the press before.
Fell out with my best mate.
Came here to get some space.
- What did you do?
- Tried to shag her husband.
It's only human.
Well, it WAS Liam Gallagher.
GASPS
Ooh, what did you do that for?!
- You do not know Liam!
- Patsy's my best mate. WAS.
- Don't lie!
- Why would I lie?
- Prove it!
- Ohh!
DOORBELL
BARRAGE OF QUESTIONS
Hello? Can I speak to Liam, please?
SHE WHIMPERS
I love you!
When I've made it up with Pats,
I'll introduce you to him.
He likes 'em rough.
You'd do that for me?!
I forgive you for everything!
You're the best sister
in the world!
- Who was that at the door?
- It was just me, just practising.
One never knows
when I'll be asked to
answer a door convincingly
as, say, a prison officer.
- Oh, well, pour the bubbly, big boy!
- Just coming. Miss Walls.
- I spoke to Liam Gallagher! Sharon's
gonna introduce me. - Least I can do.
To sisters!
Morning, babes. Great, innit?
Just like old times.
We could do lunch.
I've always wanted to DO lunch.
Put the telly on and
make us a cup of tea.
OK, babes.
Look at this.
What, babes?
'Beryl,
you're Tom Farrell's landlady.
'That's right, Beryl is.
And you had no idea he was
having an affair with Sugar Walls.'
Turn it off!
SHE HYPERVENTILATES
- I'm ruined!
- Why?
They're saying I've slept with
someone who isn't famous!
I'll stick the kettle on!
WHEEZES MELODRAMATICALLY
"Champagne-swilling Tom Farrell, 34,
refused to comment from the doorstep
of his run down council flat."
Council?! We've got to sue!
I'm 29!
Tom! What the bloody hell's going on?
Yesterday I answered the door
to the paparazzi.
They've got it in to their heads that
me and Sugar are doing what
..you straights do so well.
In YOUR case, so noisily!
- How did they know she was here?!
- Haven't got a clue.
Thank jiminey they haven't caught on
to Pam Ayres' disappearance.
- Hardly headline stuff.
- Oh, isn't it?
Oh, shut up!
This is YOU telling your mates!
They've phoned the press,
you silly git!
- Linda, you get a mention.
- Oh?
"A close friend revealed that Tom
lives with his mother Linda."
Go and tell them
it's a pack of lies!
Is your sister up? She's lovely!
We've brought Dee Doo Dum Dum
for her to sign..
And a copy of Lick,
her one and only novel.
- We love this book!
- It's given us a lot of inspiration.
- DOORBELL
- Get 'em out!
That's one thing
your sister does very well!
- What you doin', dog-breath!
- I'm Tom's agent. I need to see him.
Come on, Bruno!
- Will they elope? - NO!
- Are you Tom's mum? - What?!
- You Janet Street Porter?
- That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me!
Tom, Tom!
My favourite client!
It may be painful now but, heartface,
I've had Emmerdale on the phone!
Excuse me, excuse me.
Norma! Go, go, go!
- I'M Tom!
- Quelle dommage.
That's Bruno, your bodyguard.
We'll foot the bill.
- Delighted.
- Where is she?
Ah, Sugar, I'm Norma, Tom's agent.
- Do you two want to sell your story?
- It ain't true. Tom's gay.
So's MY husband.
You said Emmerdale was on the phone.
Sugar, they're offering YOU Bawdy Slut,
- three lines and a wooden leg.
What do you say?
What have they offered ME?
- The wooden leg.
- Oh, big fat hairy bollocks!
SUGAR ON RECORD: Dee doo dum dum,
my heart beats like a drum
..If you'd let it do ♪
SWITCHES OFF
LINDA WHEEZES
Oh, my God!
How thrilling! We've been invited
to appear on Chitchat At Teatime!
Isn't that exciting?! It's hosted by
the adorable Lorraine "Specs" Kelly!
Do you know her?
MOCK SCOTTISH: Hello,
I'm Lorraine Kelly and that's g-r-r-reat!
- I can't do it. I've got cow milking
practice later. - Do them both!
We'll get you flown up to Yorkshire.
Think of me as your PA!
I've always dreamt of lying next
to Lorraine on her chaise longue!
Fingering her bone china, licking
froth off her cappuccino eclairs!
- Do it for me, Sugar!
- Oh, all right, then.
Aw, you're not all bad.
We'll have a great time, babes.
Planned your summer holidays yet?
I was thinking maybe FINGEROLA.
- Tom, how much is a PA paid?
- I'll just have a quick bath.
- Is that part of my job description?
- Oh, bloody hell!
Oooh, see that?
Artistic temperament.
So, you're going to pretend
you're straight, are you?
For lovely Lorraine, yes.
- Hypocrite!
- Oh, look who's talking!
- I'm no hypocrite! - Why are you being
so nice to her? - I'M the nice one!
Why does everyone expect ME
to be the bitch?
All my life I've had it. "She's the
pretty one, bet she's a bitch."
Sometimes
it don't work out that way.
- Where YOU going? - To buy a nice
new blouse for Chitchat At Teatime.
You can shut up an' all!
Do dee doo dum dum,
my heart beats like a drum,
I hope he loves her too
If you just make do
Cos my heart can't he-e-e-lp
loving you ♪
REPORTERS SHOUT OU
CROWD: Linda, Linda, Linda!
Linda, babe!
REPORTERS: Linda, Linda!
Oooh, oooh, oooh!
Oh, but, Dale, Dale,
I always thought you were gay!
No, just an act to get me to the top.
- Don't tell anybody,
it'd ruin my career. - Oooh!
But, Dale, don't you fancy Sugar?
Sugar? No, she's just a filthy slut.
YOU'RE the nice one!
Sugar,
I'm ready when you are, babes.
Chitchat At Teatime, the Yorkshire Dales.
Exciting, innit?
Aw, I ain't half missed you, babes.
Have you missed me?
Aw, you all choked?
Sugar?
Sugar?
KNOCK AT DOOR
- You will never believe
what's happened. - What?
- Pam Ayres was in your flat
the whole time! - Eh?
- We came out to get the post
five minutes ago - Six.
- She was creeping out of here. Scarf,
shades, bag - like yesterday. - Weird!
Didn't she say anything?
BOTH: My name is Pam Ayres,
I cannot tell a lie
The time has come
for me to say goodbye.
Yes, we felt the same way.
Her poetry's gone off.
Stop following me around!
Linda, look, look, look, look!
Guess why I bought this.
See that bit? Goes with my eyes.
See! Come on, we should go soon.
She's gone.
Oh.
- Well, where?
- Dunno.
Just gone.
No PA job for me,
no Chitchat at Teatime for you.
Just gone.
- What did she say?! - She was all over
me like eczema before she left!
Said she how much loved me,
what an influence I'd been.
Oooh, what a bitch!
She looked me in the eye and said,
"Never forget, Linda, I love you."
Oh Why do I bother?!
Have you phoned out at all today?
- She had bad taste. - Have yer?
- On Ready Steady Cook, she took
a Pot Noodle! - Tom!
- What?!
- Have you phoned out?
My agent rang but, no,
I haven't phoned out. Why?
Nothing.
I'm a silly old queen.
I know which bus I'm on.
Silly to think
I could pretend otherwise.
Anyway, I quite like my bus.
'Night, then.
I don't want to get on it or
even pretend I've bought a ticket.
Hey, it's only 3.00 o'clock!
Hello?
Is that Liam?
What you got on?
Never mind who I am.
What you got on?
Oh, really?
Really?
I got your number off Sugar Walls.
..That's right, that's right.
I'm one of those really gorgeous
girls from Stringfellows.
I got long blonde hair
right down to my arse
and I got really huge melons!
Oh, really?
Oooooh, really?
SHE GIGGLES
You're a conundrum!
Standing there
with your butchy bulk
and your great big manliness,
your huge tallness!
I'm gonna have a siesta,
so you'd better go.
Can I jump in with YOU?
Oh, my God!
Gimme, gimme, gimme
a man after midnight
Won't somebody help me
chase the shadows away?
Gimme, gimme, gimme
a man after midnight
Take me through the darkness
to the break of the day
There's not a soul out there
No-one to hear my prayer
Gimme, gimme, gimme a man! ♪
That was great!