Girlfriends Guide To Divorce (2014) s01e04 Episode Script

Previously on girlfriends' guide to divorce Jake he's gone.
I'm free.
So what about Nate, married Nate? Having somebody like you in my life, it's just It's amazing.
- You look spectacular - Thank you.
As always.
Will you please tell my husband pajama pants are not acceptable drop-off wear? Do you want me to wait in the car so you won't be embarrassed? You never should have had kids.
What? I'm gonna sue for full custody.
that play was amazing.
Charlie and Logan killed it, and the production design Ah, breathtakingly gorgeous.
Remember when we saw Spider-man: "Turn off the dark"? - This was way better.
- Yeah.
6-foot-tall puppets and a live horse onstage.
I don't even know how you get a live horse on the stage.
- That's a lot of little steps.
- Mama, cookies! Charlie, only two.
You have to go backstage.
- You have another show.
- Okay, so that horse? Cate Blanchett's.
Mm-hmm.
She's sucking up.
- May move the kids to L.
A.
- She wants the kids She has to suck up to get the kids in here? How did we get in here? Well, we're biracial gay, and you were a big - You are a big you are - No.
That was past tense.
- Do you think I didn't - Girl, you know you a big deal.
- Abby.
- Huge deal.
I'm gonna see you guys in a minute.
- Hi.
- Hi, that was fantastic, right? Who knew The Pioneers could be such amazing trapeze artists? I think that's how they got across the country Catch and release, catch and release.
You're so smart.
I want to be more like you.
- I know, honey.
I know.
- I really do.
I'm gonna go.
Vika and Merete are waiting.
Bye.
- Bye.
- All right, bye.
God, of course Phoebe and that euro couple are friends.
"You have great bone structure.
We have great bone structure.
" Hey, what are you wearing to the family equality gala? Um, oh, a black strappy number - and a healthy dose of irony.
- Oh.
Divorcees for family equality, yay.
- Is there gonna be vodka? - Oh, yeah.
I told them we will accept the award with honors, but only if there's vodka for Abby.
This is why I love you.
And am I gonna be able to meet Adele Northrop in person? I'm a huge fan.
If you take your brother to buy a suit that was designed in this century, I will absolutely introduce you.
My suits are fine.
I've got two big jobs I have to finish the plans for, and I'm still working on the lineup for Saturday's game.
World's most dedicated Little League Coach It's ridiculous.
Whoa.
Abby, you still with us? Ooh, who got you all aflutter? - You're flirting.
- She's aflutter.
Who who are you flirting with? Nobody.
I'm not I'm not.
I'm talking to Lyla, and I'm gonna go take Max shopping for a suit.
I'm multitasking.
I'm always multitasking.
That was not Lyla.
- Mm-mm.
- That was a man.
This divorce has turned into a full-blown custody battle, and Dan is using my work hours against me to show that I am an absentee parent, and several affidavits have been filed Including one by principal barrows that says I have a chronic anger-management problem.
Based on what? I might add.
I get angry from time to time, justifiably, but I manage it.
- I manage it.
- Define "manage.
" What, are you having a relationship with your operating system? - No, sorry.
- You are glowing.
Not gonna lie.
So you're either flirting, or Max has just texted you he's not gay anymore, and he's in love with your friend Phoebe.
Okay.
Nate and I have been texting, and he's We have carpool tomorrow together, so we're gonna see each other.
- That's great.
- He's still married.
Yes, he is, and nothing's happened between us.
- But it's about to.
- Stop it! - Anouk! - Luco! - Don't look at me.
- Every time.
- I'm telling mom! - I'm so sorry.
I will take care of them.
You guys, go about yourself.
You know, take take what she says with a grain of salt.
She has a very casual relationship with reality.
Oh, my God.
Change of subject just for a moment.
Can you keep a secret? - 60/40? - Come on.
Professionally, I can, but off the clock, it's a crapshoot, lady.
Oh, please, come on.
I'm dying.
- I have to tell you.
- Okay, okay.
You know that gorgeous couple at school, they're foreigners? He's a Brit, she's I don't know.
She's from somewhere that's not here.
Anyway, I saw Phoebe today making out with Vika.
So she's into girls again? No, no, Vika's the husband.
- No.
- Yes.
- No, Merete is the husband.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- I know Vika is the husband - Which one's British? Okay, the point The point being Phoebe was kissing the male, the married male.
And you're texting the married male.
Yeah, but that is not the same.
I mean, Nate and I haven't even Had sex.
What you're doing is actually more intimate.
It's emotional infidelity, and that is so brutal on the spouse.
Trust me.
Ask Jake or Nate's wife or me.
Morning, Enzo.
Come on out, my friend.
I want you to have a great day.
Hi.
I got to say, wouldn't this be, like, the greatest meet-cute in the history of romantic comedies? It's right out of one of your movies.
Right? Well, except it doesn't suck.
- Come on.
- No, you come on.
- No, you come on.
- No, you come on.
You come on.
Wow.
You know what? For a couple of writers, that's some terrible banter.
Well, you're the clever one.
Be clever.
Be clever-er.
I can't be clever-er 'cause I'm distracted by you.
Nate.
Hold on.
- Hey, guys, come on out.
- Hi, Eudora.
- Zayden and Zenon.
- I love that backpack.
Go tear it up today, gents.
Okay, thank you.
All right, back to the not-so-razor-sharp repartee.
Where were we? There's something I need to say.
What a coincidence, because I have something I need to say.
I think I need to say my thing before you say yours.
Okay.
The thing is, you know how I feel about you.
Ah, hold that thought.
Sorry.
Perfect.
Hey, Sarsgaard.
- You ready to have a fun day? Yeah.
You better.
That's an order.
- See you later, buddy.
- Bye.
- You were saying? - Yes.
But I get to say my thing right after.
- Right.
- Okay.
You're married, Nate.
We can't go down this road again.
I can't do it.
- "Can't do it.
" - I can't do it.
Got it.
- Is that it? - Yeah.
Wow.
This is such a great reveal.
"Reveal"? I left my wife.
I'm excited and kind of terrified.
If being with Nate is half as good as emailing him You sound like an eighth grader.
You're not even divorced yet.
You like? I hate.
You know what? I don't have to talk about Nate if it's gonna make you all Abby, Abby, it's fine.
Go on a date.
Just don't get married again before you get divorced, okay? Point taken.
And suit.
Terrible.
God.
You're so cranky today.
You know, I just I don't want to be doing this.
I don't have time to be doing this, and I already have a suit.
Well, I should be home writing, but I am here with you.
So, if you could just focus, we can get through this faster.
Yeah I'm shopping my way to inner peace and calm.
- How is that going? - Eat me.
So, well.
It's going well.
- Rocking the boots.
- Oh, crap.
- Jesus, God, no.
- You know what, Max? I am not wearing this to the gala.
I just It's for sexy time.
Diego, he just messed up his thumb doing karate.
Karate.
I mean, it's, like, two days before a game.
- So stupid.
- Who's Diego? He's my shortstop and my cleanup hitter.
I got to get a good thumb protocol in place, stem any swelling.
Charles! I'm out, I'm out.
Hey, I need you to move all my afternoon drive-bys and reschedule the struger meeting.
Yes, you can say it's an emergency! It's a little league emergency.
Should that be an oxymoron? You look like a lion tamer's assistant, - only the lion ate your pants.
- Okay.
Or Vika likes very high boots and very short shorts and ventilated vintage tops, and he's turned on by alliteration.
- Lyla.
- What? What's going on? Okay, Abby saw you kissing the euro hubby at school the other day.
Wow.
Thank you so much, Lyla.
Unreal.
I told you, 60/40 I could keep a secret off the clock.
It's not what you think.
I'm actually trying to help save Vika's marriage.
Well, what are the therapeutic qualities of your vagina for the married couple? I can't imagine why people think you have anger issues, Lyla.
Okay, um, you know what? Phoebe, why don't you buy your boots? Yeah.
And, Lyla, why don't you just try something else on? I don't have anger issues.
How many times have you said that this week? I'm just saying I think you should do something about it.
For example? Find something that relaxes you You know, something that helps you get rid of any pent-up aggression.
Don't murder Dan.
I hadn't thought of that, but I will take it into consideration.
But I mean, practically speaking, with the with the line of work that you're in Oh, my God! Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.
- Damon Cash.
- Is that medical marijuana? You guys, I got to go write.
I love you.
- Bye.
- Bye.
No, he's my physical therapist, body-worker guy.
He's amazing.
I'm going to text you his number right now.
So you think what I need is a back rub? Lyla Please, for the love of God, will you just do this? - Mm-hmm.
- It's so easy.
He's just gonna come to your house.
Yes.
Just tell him that you're my friend.
- That's all you have to do.
- Mmhmm, mm-hmm.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Okay, also, I'm gonna get chakra realignment Don't you needn't finish that sentence.
- No.
- Thought I would try that.
- You needn't.
- Okay, just call Damon Cash.
- He'll take care of you.
- Mmhmm.
Mm-hmm.
Love your face.
So Sidney Poitier finally opens the envelope, and I hear, "and the Oscar goes to " Bzz! Total white noise.
I can't hear anything.
YouTube it.
I'm looking around like an idiot.
Oh, my God.
- Why are we even talking - No, because I've I've been begging you to tell me this story.
No, I sound like such a douche.
- Oh, come on, tell the story.
- Okay, okay.
So I'm basically deaf.
And somebody smacks me in the back of the head kind of hard Thwack and schwink.
It all comes rushing back.
Everybody's applause And crazy.
And I turn around, and it's Paul Newman.
Paul Newman just smacked me Smacked you in the head.
Back into my senses.
And he leans into my ear, and he says, "hey, schmuck.
"You just won.
Get your ass up onstage.
I got to piss like a racehorse.
" True story.
Wow.
The Paul Newman part alone would have literally melted my brain, let alone the "I just won an Oscar for best screenplay.
" That's incredible.
Wow.
Um, that is not even the super-secret awesome part of the story.
Yeah, what's that? No.
- Oh, come on.
- It's not first-date material.
All right, well, I am not gonna tell you my "I was almost Oprah's best friend" story, because that's not first-date material either.
- Wait.
Really? - Yes.
Lunch, dinner, lunch again, like, three-day bffs.
You were Gayle king for three days? I'm telling you that if Gayle King had been hit by a car that weekend, I would probably be in Aspen with Oprah right now.
That makes me very happy for the health of Gayle King.
- Here we are.
- Oh.
- Perfect.
- Thank you.
Enjoy.
I have to say that I was actually really nervous that we wouldn't have anything to talk about in person, you know, because we shared so much digitally.
Are you kidding me? We covered everything.
- We did.
- Relationship troubles.
- Our jobs, our kids.
- Yeah.
Our peccadilloes.
- Oh, I love that word.
- Yeah, me too.
But not as much as I love your actual peccadilloes.
Ooh, stop saying that word.
Peccadilloes.
Yeah, it's not really a sexy word.
No, it sounds kind of like a bird with a dildo beak.
But we digress all over the place.
You know, I knew I would have no trouble talking with you.
Do you have a problem talking with anybody ever? - Not really.
- No, I didn't think so.
- Yeah.
- You're a master of the word, which is why you should tell me your super-secret Oscar story.
Ooh, that was sneaky.
I know, I just brought it right back around.
Yeah, you know, my sense of narrative tells me that the Oscar story is a post-first-kiss story.
Oh.
First kiss first? Wait, wait, wait.
Wait.
First kiss in the jazz section of a vinyl store with a box of Kung Pao? That's a little too Annie Hall.
I mean, classic but dated.
But first kiss at a awesome, slightly tacky bachelor rental would work.
Are you ready? Yeah, I am.
Are you? - I am so ready.
- Okay.
Yeah.
Um Weird.
That wasn't good.
Yeah.
Maybe we should just try it again.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Yeah, you go right.
- I'll go left.
- Oh.
And maybe open your mouth a little bit? Okay.
Wow.
You really are a writer/director.
I am.
I am.
I-I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Okay, let's just go.
- Yeah, let's just go.
- Let's just go.
- All right, all right.
- Okay.
Wow.
I mean, either I'm way out of practice, or you have a weird mouth.
I-I do? No, no, it's not you.
It's not you.
It's, uh - Duh.
- What? No, just, you know, first kiss on the doorstep? That's a little weak.
First kiss in the rain That would be great.
That's what it has to be.
Okay.
Is that better? Not yet.
Not yet.
Oh.
That's - That's the Bronsons' car.
- Who are the Bronsons? Um, my son was supposed to be spending the night there.
Ooh.
Oh, boy.
Stomachache They're dropping him off.
Um, look, I'm just not ready for him to meet you yet.
I'm not ready to meet your kid.
I really like you, but This has been tremendous, and you got to go.
Tremendous.
I'll talk to you later.
Run! And he made you run home? Classy.
No, I only ran to my car, okay? And it was somehow very romantic.
I mean, the kissing was weird and sort of wrong, but in a good way, in, like, a In, like, a first-act romantic-comedy kind of way.
You don't want to hear this.
You mean because Nate's the guy that ruined your marriage? You don't really think that he's the reason The whole thing is just a little fast.
- That's all.
- Okay, well, I can't help it.
- We just click, you know.
- I get it.
I-I get it, okay? You do seem kind of electrified.
Right? It's like what Jake and I didn't have, at least not in the end.
Fun, spontaneity, mutual self-sufficiency Hey, you.
Oh, hi, Mariska.
Okay.
Uh-huh.
You know what? Could you just put him on? Okay.
Yeah, you know, I'm just I'm gonna talk to him at home.
- Thanks.
- Who was that? That was one of Ford's assistants telling me that there's a suit sale at Nordstrom and to remind me that it's trash day, and the bins should be out.
Oh.
Uh, maybe we could borrow your divorce lawyer.
- Max.
- I'm I'm kidding.
- Are you guys okay? - Yeah.
Yeah, he just gets all "Power Ford" on me, and It's fine.
- I have bigger problems.
- Really? What what What is happening? Cormac has no arm from center, and if Diego's thumb doesn't heal, we're screwed.
Aw.
Okay, well, I'm gonna pray to the thumb gods on Diego's behalf.
And I will pray to the love gods that you have an amazing night with Nate.
Thanks, coach.
Your shoulders and lower back are tense.
And whenever you're ready, you can turn over.
Huh, do you work on a computer at work? Your hands are pretty cramped.
Yeah.
I tend to point a lot and make fists.
- Oh, wow.
- Ow.
Bad.
That's some pretty deep stuff there.
- See this? - Yeah.
That's trauma.
We'll get at that.
Just try and relax.
Let go.
All your worries from the day ease away.
- Mm.
- Let your mind float away.
So how do you know Phoebe? Our kids go to the same school and divorce stuff.
- Oh! - Oh, my God! - My nose.
- My vagina? You said you were Phoebe's friend.
Yes, I am.
That doesn't - That's not an invitation.
- Yeah, 'cause it's code.
That's what she told her friends to say if they wanted what I give Phoebe.
- It's a service, you psycho.
- How would I know? How would I know? How is this my fault? I think I'm gonna need to go to a hospital.
I'm gonna drive you.
I'm so sorry.
- No, no, no.
- No, no.
I won't hurt you.
It's okay.
Just not on the carpet.
Juanita! Yeah, but our kids are aggressively cute.
I mean, it can't be ignored.
It's like an adorable punch in the face.
Well, adorable Logan He just wiped his boogers all over your phone.
Well, it's a step up from eating them.
Here you go.
One for you, for you.
Go by Nordstrom? - I already have a suit.
- Uh-uh.
I can't have my man looking all raggedy a-s-s.
- Dad, I can spell.
- My bad.
Sorry.
Okay, look, I'm gonna call Mariska, have her pick up a few and drop them by the house.
You can pick one, okay? Done.
- Yeah, okay, well - Warn me! I had no idea that Stop yelling at me.
Damon Cash is Hey, hey, stop.
I said I was sorry.
If you call me a pimp one more time, I swear Lyla, stop yelling at me.
You know what? I'm gonna hang up on you now.
I was trying to help you, and I am sorry, but you're being really mean.
Nightmare.
My God.
Bye, guys.
- Bye, dad.
- Good night, daddy.
I love you.
- Hello.
- Hi, mom.
How are you? Hi.
This is from dad.
- Bye, mom.
- How are Bye.
What is it? Leftovers dad cooked Special for you.
What did he make? - Um, cheese dumpling things.
- The ricotta gnocchi? And the mushroom stuff, your favorite.
The chanterelles with the sage brown butter and the gooey brown sauce? - Yeah.
- Mmm! Get over here.
It's time for me to kiss your face.
I missed you.
Okay, see you.
I'll be up in a few.
Mmm.
- That was a good start.
- Yeah? Yeah.
It was confident but not scary.
- Yeah.
- No, confident like Catwoman.
- Oh, Catwoman.
- Yeah.
Like Anne Hathaway, Michelle Pfeiffer.
- No, no, no.
- Eartha Kitt.
- Yes, definitely.
- I love Eartha Kitt.
- Oh.
- Ooh.
- Too aggressive? - No, no, that's good.
- Should I be more aggressive? - I don't know, just keep going.
'Cause I can be more aggressive.
Okay.
- Keep going, just keep going.
- Yeah, keep going.
- Take these off.
- Okay.
Yeah.
You all right? - Come on.
- Yeah.
Here we go.
Okay.
Oh, my God.
Yeah? - We are having sex.
- Yeah.
You know, our first kiss It was weird 'cause it was weird.
It wasn't weird 'cause it was bad, right? - It wasn't - Stop.
Stop.
What? What? Am I hurting you? Am I huge? - No.
No, stop talking.
- Okay.
Keep going.
Stop talking.
We can talk later.
Does that mean I'm not huge? I mean, I don't want to hurt you.
I'm just - We'll talk later.
- Okay.
I promise.
I came.
Yeah.
- You came too, right? - Sure.
That was weird.
Weird how? Like, from a great distance.
I get that.
Is your tongue usually that cold? My tongue's not cold.
No, it is a little.
And your nipples are warm.
That's kind of a weird combo.
Nobody has cold nipples.
Who has cold nipples? My wife's nipples were cold all the time.
I don't know why your wife's nipples are cold.
Can we please just not talk about my wife? - I didn't bring her up.
- You know what? - Just don't, don't, don't.
- Okay.
Oh, this wasn't good.
I mean, is it awkward because it's our first time, or are we just physically incompatible? I don't I-I mean, do you always narrate like that? Like, do you have to comment on all the proceedings? I'm so sorry.
It's just a habit.
You know, my wife used to say - Don't talk about your wife.
- Oh, right.
You know, maybe it's just, like, a Rom-com obstacle, you know.
These two people, they're just perfect for each other, but they They can't have sex.
We can have sex.
It just didn't go well the first time.
Yeah.
We can try again.
We could.
I'm just tired.
Me too.
Good morning, sunshine.
The light's so beautiful in here.
You know, I was thinking it was actually very romantic that the sex wasn't, you know I mean, we spent so much time developing this incredibly deep connection without ever really sharing the same physical space, and our pheromones just haven't synced up yet.
Shh.
Stop talking.
Oh, okay.
Mornings aren't for talking.
They're for contemplating suicide.
Wow.
Jesus.
Oh, my God.
Abby McCarthy.
Oh, you cannot avoid me.
Oh, I'm not avoiding, just coffee-ING.
We signed contracts.
You sent me a check.
We got to get going.
I know.
I've just been so busy, on the run, on the go.
Come on, let me grab you a sec, come here.
Okay, so I got to meet Phoebe for a bite, so I can't do any divorce talk right now, but you really need to call me because we need Well, hello, wait a minute.
Let me see here.
Your look this morning is just so very Last night.
Oh, my God.
Is it that obvious? Look at you.
You got laid.
Did you think about Jake during? Did you feel guilty after? Did you enjoy it? Uh, okay.
Um, no, no, no.
Hmm, so was it rebound sex or not so much? You know when Harry met Sally? Absolutely not.
I hate those movies.
Well, I'm I'm really not sure.
Honestly, I'm trying to figure that out myself.
- That's okay.
- Finally.
- Is this the divorce powwow? - Hi.
Guess who got some last night.
- Nate sex? - No.
- It was Nate.
- I'm not talking about it.
- Nate sex.
- Okay.
- Dirty dog.
- I'm gonna see you later.
- I'm gonna see you at the gala.
- Yes.
I'll see you tonight.
Are you going? Oh, absolutely.
I never miss the F.
E.
C.
Gala.
And listen, you are not paying me to sit by the phone.
- Right? - Got it.
- Okay.
- On it.
- Okay.
- Bye.
I have been arm candy for half an hour.
I need a break.
Let's go to the table and mock people.
I love that idea.
So your night Was it mind-blowing? Well, it happened.
I mean, it was a new experience.
- It was unexpected.
- Really? How so? He likes to talk a little more than I like to talk.
You just got to figure each other out.
First times can be weird.
Oh, are we talking about the rebound sex? I want the dish.
Delia, you look stunning.
Hello, Sir.
Delia Banai.
I'm representing Abby in her divorce.
- It's my brother.
- Max McCarthy.
Hi.
Oh, Max, as in "Max and Ford.
" Congratulations on your night.
Thank you.
Yeah, you know, I have been a supporter of the cause for some time.
- Is that right? - Absolutely.
Civil rights are civil rights.
It's so basic.
And you know what comes after gay marriage? Gay divorce.
- That's funny.
- She's kidding.
Oh, my ass I am.
Listen, just as everyone should have the right to marry, everyone should have the right to un-marry and be well represented doing so.
Excuse me.
Mwah.
I wish you all the happiness in the world.
Short of that, you text me.
Jesus, what percent of that was bullshit? None.
None percent.
She's an animal, but she's my animal.
Hi.
Hello.
How's Delia? Max, welcome.
This is the table where they stow the divorced ladies.
Come on, Max and Ford are sitting here too.
- Oh, great, great.
- Sorry, that was from before.
So they can rub their perfect marriage in my face.
- Hey.
- Hi, honey.
- You look amaze.
- Thank you so much.
- Congrats.
- Hi.
Hey.
Where were you? Mayor Garcetti wanted to talk Dodgers.
I'm sorry.
Good evening, everybody.
Thank you all for being here, and welcome to the Family Equality Council's 15th Annual Gala.
We've had an exciting year, and we're gonna have an exciting evening celebrating those brave pioneers who help us lead the fight for our most basic civil rights.
You have the civil right to then fall out of love with whom you have chosen and question every choice you've made prior to that.
Please welcome last year's recipient, Lieutenant Adele Northrop.
Thank you all.
What a warm welcome.
You have the right to be miserable.
I'm so sorry.
I am so sorry.
There she is.
You are a menace, lady.
You are a pimp, lady.
You punched Damon Cash in the face.
He tugged at my labial flap.
I was trying to get you some relief, but obviously, you are impossible to relieve.
What about picking up my dry cleaning? - How about a Vicodin? - You know what? You are such a pain in the ass.
Can you please do something? I won't try to help anymore.
- Quiet down.
- Come on.
- Let's go.
- For what? A gift card for Barnes & Noble.
Shore up our ranks with their financial generosity, but who present our best face to the world.
Just take it easy.
And then she punched my friend in the face.
I didn't punch him.
It was a reflexive backhand that connected with his nose.
Well, his nose is broken.
Oh, my God, from an unsolicited sexual encounter.
I understand.
I know for you, all are welcome.
You know what? That is unfair.
You have no idea what's happening with Vika and I.
- Do not turn this around on me.
- Okay, guys.
You have no idea what's going on with me.
At least I'm not home-wrecking.
"Home-wrecking"? How about your home, Lyla? How about you? How about your family? - That's home-wrecking.
- Oh, my God, so clever.
People are finding each other, falling in love, and getting married.
So, for the first time, the Family Equality Council's Leadership Award goes not to an individual, but to a couple.
Ford Phillips has been a master of the marketing universe for over a decade.
You know what? I'm done helping you.
I'm so done helping you.
- Max, come on, we're up.
- Okay, I'll be there I'll be there in a second.
Max, please, come on! - Go, go, go, go.
- Max, it's all right.
Why don't you figure out what's making you - so goddamn angry? - That makes me angry.
Stop me telling me I'm angry.
What is there to understand? They're about to call our names right now.
- I heard you.
- Max, please, come on! Right now! Please just go.
- Go back inside, please.
- Max! Ford, I'll be right in! Can you really not understand? No, we don't.
We don't.
'Cause, Lyla, you know best, right? I do! In this case, I do.
So figure out a way to dial it down.
Take care of yourself so you're not taking it out on everybody else! This is important.
I know it's important.
- I'm I'm not an idiot.
- Who said you were an idiot? You! You said I was an idiot! Everything that I do, everything, everything the coaching, working, making dinner, it's not important to you.
You don't You don't take anything that I do seriously unless it's about you.
Do you really not understand? Dan is gone.
We used to take care of each other, and now he's possibly gonna take my children.
- I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
- No.
No, no, no.
Please, don't no! You got the big job, and you got the big life, and you you just want me to show up and look good.
That that is crazy.
Sometimes I feel like you just want to be married.
But do you want to be married to me? Ford and Max are not an example of what a gay family should look like.
They're an example of what all families should look like.
Ladies and gentlemen, it is my sincere honor to present this year's Family Equality Council's Leadership Award to Ford Phillips and Max McCarthy.
Ford Phillips and Max McCarthy.
Thank you.
Wow.
Catching my breath.
Okay.
Thank you, and thank you, Adele.
My husband is, uh Having a wardrobe malfunction.
So just imagine a handsome man in a perfectly fitting suit standing right next to me, okay? Max and I thank you all for coming and thank you for battling alongside us in the fight for family equality.
You know, when Max and I first met, the idea of getting married That fantasy didn't exist yet.
Well, I mean, I was fantasizing about doing other things But not marriage.
But then as we really got to know each other, I fell hard.
I knew this man and I We just fit.
This man made me dream about forever.
I mean, look at him.
But we all know that isn't enough.
I mean, you should see him with our boys.
I dare anyone to see that and question his right to be a dad or our right to be a family.
But I will say this.
Now that we are legally man and man and kid and kid, the shit gets real, y'all.
Whoo.
Marriage I mean, it's messy, and it's hard, and it ebbs and flows, but that's because it is alive, and that is a good thing.
That's what taking that vow is about, that when the fantasy is behind you, you look your spouse in the eye, and you say, "I do.
" I do, again and again.
Max I do Always.
Thank you.
Now, for God's sake, can we dance now or what? Nate? Nate? Nate! Abby.
Hey, Nate.
Sorry.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Oh, freeze! Everybody, go Go back to one, please.
And and do it quietly.
You people are noisier than what's going on in my head.
Sorry.
Let's go, everybody.
- Move it.
- Could you find me a sandwich? Just nothing with pink meat.
- Do you want anything? - No, thank you.
Okay.
Come with me.
Hoo.
Wow.
So? Hello.
- Hi.
- Ahh.
- Um, this isn't working.
- We don't fit.
I mean, you can't blame us for trying, though.
Those were really good emails Emails, yeah.
- And really bad sex.
- Terrible sex.
Awful.
Horrible kissing.
Really bad.
Oh.
I just want to say thank you.
You're welcome.
What'd I do? For us Getting close.
You know, things we said, the way it made me feel It just It was a big part of my It really helped me realize that my marriage wasn't in trouble.
It was over.
Likewise.
I mean, it was good.
- It was good in a lot of ways.
- Yeah.
The secret Oscar story We are now not only post-bad kiss, but we are post-bad sex.
Change of subject Very smart.
Um Okay.
So Blah, blah, blah, I get up onstage.
I go to shake Sidney Poitier's hand.
Sidney Poitier.
And I pooped my pants a little.
I mean, not a shart, no fart I accepted the award.
I went back to meet the press, and I stink up the place.
It was hilarious.
Oh.
Let's never, ever, ever have sex again.
Classic story of married boy meets married girl, and they get divorced and have terrible sex.
It is a classic.
When Harry met Sally and Harry talked about pooping in his pants.
They should have made a sequel.
What would the sequel be? I don't know.
- He's so great.
- Nate? - Really? - No, not Nate.
I'm talking about your brother.
Oh.
Yeah.
- You're both great.
- Good stop! Oh! Ah! - Yes! - Yeah! What just happened? There you go.
That's what I'm talking about.
Do you not know the rules? - I can walk you through it.
- No clue.
There's nine players on field.
The pitcher throws to the catcher.
You know what? Actually, I don't even care.
I just want to watch my husband do his thing.
Okay.
Here we go, Jamie.
Go get 'em, baby.
There you go! There you go! Special order ricotta gnocchi, chanterelles, and sage brown butter.
Thank you.
It looks perfect.
My friends are onto us.
I'm not a home-wrecker.
I think we should come out to the world.
Oh, do we have to? Can't it just be our fantasy for a little bit longer? Okay.
Yeah, that's fine.
That's a good idea.