Girls5eva (2021) s01e04 Episode Script
Carma
1
Sitting at my piano ♪
Write your truth, Dawn.
Sitting at my friend's piano ♪ In my apartment ♪ Actually, it's my brother's apartment ♪ I still pay him rent ♪ How does Flo Rida do this? Aah! Oh.
Yo, keep it down.
There's a kid in here somewhere, I think.
- See you later, baby.
- Vibes, girl.
Did you have a sex guest in my four-year-old's room? Max crawls into your bed every night at midnight.
I texted Cray at midnight 15.
Where did you meet someone named Cray? At the Instagram wall in the vape lounge of the sriracha museum.
It's a very spiritual place.
Does he know how old you are? Do you know how old you are? Because you won't even wear reading glasses.
I'll have the Shiraz, please.
I know I'm 40-blah-blah.
It's just that back in the day, I was always the younger one dating older industry creeps, and now it's my turn.
I control the games.
Is that the healthiest thing? Have you written our single yet? Back off.
I'm working on it.
Wow, somebody's a little hunty.
Don't you mean hangry? I don't.
No.
The greatest songwriter in the world, Dolly Parton, starts writing at 3:00 a.
m.
and she fasts while she writes.
So I'm following the Dolly method till I write us a hit.
If she can write "Jolene" and "I Will Always Love You" on the same day, I can write us a song that's not owned by some evil record dude.
The old me probably would have dated that evil record dude and had to wait at Ivan's while he did the CMA red carpet alone, but the tables are turned, baby.
Forgot my socks.
Nut tap, huh! It's wonderful.
We have a shorthand.
Gonna be famous 5eva ♪ 'Cause 4eva's 2 short ♪ It's too short ♪ Gonna be famous 3gether ♪ 'Cause that's 1 more than 2gether ♪ Gonna be famous 5eva ♪ 'Cause 4eva's too short ♪ Girls 5eva ♪ Thank you for bringing me here.
Well, Zahir is a genius.
Oh, there he is.
What are we doing? Well, I gotta find my popstar look.
Play with the angles, but no mohawk, 'cause I have a dent on this side from trying to hang a flat screen TV.
And I'm thinking I need to freshen up the extensions.
There was a mudslide at Bella Hadid's ranch, so we just got some horse in.
Oh, well, actually, Kev's flying in tonight, so I was thinking I splurge and go human.
Lucky man! I got a wonderful supplier out of Brighton Beach.
The hot dog smell will dissipate - after four or five washes.
- Yum! You're coming to the BBQ, right? Oh, of course we are.
Wickie, Dawn, all of us.
So this is Kev's monthly visit, huh? Yeah, I know, it really sucks.
They just work him so hard at WTIT.
It's crazy.
Like some nights, he doesn't even make it home.
He has to sleep over at the weatherman's house.
Oh, boy.
Summer, you know that you can always talk to me about how you and Kev are doing.
We're amazing.
It's just, you know, distance can kill even the most amazing relationship.
When Caroline took that adjunct professor job up in Ithaca, we thought we could handle the distance, and it just wrecked me.
I started self-medicating with Spaniels Gloria, I'm sorry, but that would never happen with me and Kev.
We're Summer and Kev.
Summer and Kev's ♪ Sweetheart sweats ♪ Sweating with your sweetheart's ♪ Better than sex ♪ We're boy band and girl group's royal couple.
Okay, forget I said anything.
Takin' those words and putting 'em back ♪ Zipping it up ♪ Withdrawn, just like my 20s.
Yo, you and Scott, you guys having trouble? You know, I saw a man's shadow on the Nest Cam last night.
- You're cheating.
- What? No.
He was with Ricky.
You have a Nest Cam? Yeah, it's my apartment.
Your song said so.
It's not a song yet.
I used to have dreams, you know that? I wanted to be Keith Hernandez, but I had to give it up, because, you know, you can't be another person.
The science is just not there yet.
I'm not giving up.
I just need something to write about.
Like, Dolly Parton wrote Jolene about a bank teller that flirted with her husband.
Perfect.
Go to the bank, and when you're there, you can deposit last night's cash.
Don't let 'em tell you they can't accept it if it's wet, all right? Look, I got a bunch of other stuff here.
You're looking for inspiration, I just handed you a whole album.
And you better take me to the GRAMMYs and not Mom.
You're not holding up restaurant sauce on the red carpet.
Oh, yeah, I am.
Love you! I just love it.
- You're a snack.
- Ha.
Thank you.
Sorry, gorg, your card's been declined.
Okay, I don't like this part, but we're gonna need to take the hair back.
- Whoa! - Ah, ah, I meant to say that I am treating today because you brought me here.
Oh.
Do you have Kev share that account? We share everything.
Finances, jeans, respect and admiration for the troops.
Maybe call the credit card company and see what or who he's spending money on.
I thought that you were zipping it.
I'm just trying to keep an eye out for you.
Gloria! I trust my husband.
I love my husband.
I love his soul.
I love his swoopy boy band hair that caused one of his eyes to atrophy and turn inward.
God put me and Kev together.
PR reps put you and Kev together to sell Noxzema.
And who do you think created the PR reps? Ha ha.
Actually, before the BBQ, we're gonna have this supes chill bible study.
We're gonna talk about lasting relationships.
You should come, because what you'll get to see is a very happy couple.
I'm probably like the happiest person that's ever been in here.
No.
You must see a lot of stuff from behind that counter.
Anything crazy? You ever hit on somebody's husband, or One time, somebody put dog shit in the ATM, and I had to scrape it out with an envelope.
Next.
Woof, woof, woof ♪ Got a deposit, Mommy ♪ Not for me.
Hey, you know that, um, that Sierra Mist, that's not free.
I dropped it into this cup, and now I'm cleaning it up with my mouth.
Wait a second.
I know that look.
You got the vampire glow going on.
Are you feasting on youth? Yes.
I am dating a younger guy.
I finally get why men do this.
They're so firm and happy.
Welcome to the club.
Hey, um, how young we talking here? - Maybe 20.
- How many abs? All.
Oh, boy.
20 with abs, you know, with that comes a lot of upkeep.
This is how you keep them on the hook.
You take them to Atlantic City on their birthdays.
Twice a month, get 'em jewelry.
Here's a hot tip: Pavé is still diamonds but is cheaper.
And most importantly, take the erection pill when the appetizer comes.
We are not alike.
Unlike you, I'm a hot and captivating woman.
I admit that you're way better looking than me, all right, I get that, but there's a clock on these things, all right? One day you're getting out of a hot tub naked and then realize that your butt crack is only an inch long, and bam! It's over.
A second alarm goes off.
No, in my circles, the December always dumps the May.
You know, this whole thing about a woman exploiting a man sexually, personally to me, it's disgusting.
But it's 2015, so God bless.
It's 2021.
Don't fight me on everything, all right? Hot Topic Crystal Visa.
This call is being recorded, and I am judging you.
Could you just go over the most recent charges, please? Let's see a lot of activity out of the Tampa area.
Big charges to a florist.
You purchased a two-seater Sea-Doo.
Hotel stay in the Keys.
A bulk order of 200 condoms.
Jealous.
Uh, oh, boy ♪ You've gone and made a big mistake ♪ So now you're zoom zoom ♪ Is gonna go boom boom ♪ Zoom zoom boom boom ♪ Should of thought twice ♪ Zoom zoom boom boom ♪ You're gonna pay the price ♪ Sorry Mr.
Buddha but there's some kinda spell ♪ With a C-A-R ♪ I need to ruin zooms ♪ Every cheated girl hasn't used ♪ And golf clubs are fire, like Angela Bassett ♪ It's either this or throwing suits ♪ Out of an upstairs window ♪ I'm no Dolly Parton.
Well, that's good.
I don't think the world could survive two of us.
Dolly Parton? That's what it says on my amusement park.
Dolly! I-I tried what you did.
It didn't work.
I can't write a song.
That's 'cause you're looking outside for ideas.
"Jolene" was about how I felt.
What do you feel right now? I'm I feel like what business do I have writing anything? What if I don't have what it takes and I let everybody down? Because outside of being a mom, I haven't tried at anything in so long.
I'm not even sure how to do it.
It's like how you know how to walk, but then you think about walking and you can't.
Suddenly you're in charge of a complicated spaceship.
Darling, you're onto something.
What else scares you? Everything.
Panic attacks, guns, accidentally being a Karen.
Just about anything prolapsing.
Oh, what about that flesh eating bacteria you can get from pedicures? Uh-huh.
This is all songwriting gold.
It is? Come on, let's get to work.
Hey, Mrs.
Bello, how you feeling, huh? Stop asking.
I'm from that village in Italy where nobody dies 'cause of community.
Yeah, you pay 40 bucks a month.
Why don't you go live with your kids, huh? I don't like their wives.
Yeah, you killing me, you know that? Seriously.
Seriously killing me.
Hey, whoa, J.
Lo.
Did Biebs dump you yet, huh? Please, this relationship will be over when I say it's over.
All right, all right, I see what's going on here.
You bought him a car, huh? Cray has his own money.
He's a gamer.
His office chair cost $45,000.
Whoa, let me get this straight.
He's the young one, and he's the one with the money? No, no, no, that's not how it works.
Never, ever.
You're playing with fire.
Get out before the clock runs out.
Enjoy your night alone, Nick.
You're never alone when you're at.
Valley's Total Fitness.
Do not be roped in by his beauty.
Ah.
Wow, babe, you look gorg.
I know your love language, babe.
I wanted to get you Dior sunnies too, but our credit card got funked up.
Identity theft.
Identity theft? The devil is busy.
Wow, y'all, wow! I bet a bear or maybe a man did it.
Or there's been a lot of wind lately.
Well, that's a lot of wind, babe.
There's a song in you, Dawn.
Let's get it out.
C.
A minor.
G, G, G minor.
You're going too fast.
Ah.
Only the muse can eat.
We gotta get you out of your head.
Protect it! Oh! Nothing but net.
Now you're cooking with bird grease.
I have interviewed the biggest names in Tampa.
Brooke Hogan, John Cena's leg day trainer, but y'all are the real stars.
Get on in there.
Find yourself a seat.
- Oh.
- Oh! Oh, you came.
Hi, you two.
Hey girl, hey.
Loving the J swag.
Oh, well, yeah, I'm short on church merch, so I added J-E to an old census shirt.
Ah, nah, you're good.
We're the cool kind of Christians who wear sneakers and compare the bible to characters from "The Office.
" So, Kev, how's Tampa? Who are your friends? Do you have a finsta? Hey, Gloria, let me help you find a seat.
Do you know what I just realized? What? Divorced people just want everybody else to get divorced.
You are worse than people who do CrossFit.
I don't want to be divorced.
I want to be back with Caroline so bad I had one of her crowns put in my mouth, but my body keeps rejecting it.
I just don't want you to have blinders on with that guy.
I don't.
There is nothing shady going on.
It was identity thieves.
- Really? - Yes! Judas is Dwight Schrute ♪ And Jesus is Darryl ♪ From the warehouse ♪ The power of Christ compels me to tell you y'all are rad.
Yeah, baby.
And I know from the outside we make it look pretty easy.
The red carpets, the press, our album of clean Christmas hip hop duets sold exclusively at Cracker Barrel.
I mean, we're Kev and Summer.
Uh, we're Summer and Kev.
Oh! She's the boss.
But friends, things aren't always easy at home.
I'm gonna get mad real with you and let you in on what's happening behind closed doors.
My baby blue BMW Z3 that got me featured on Clergy and Cars Instagram was attacked last night.
It's mostly surface damage.
Probably from storms? Some misguided soul was filled with mad jealously because of the #blessings God has bestowed on my family.
They even carved "carma" into the paint with a C-A-R.
Some sick stuff, bro.
Well, let's see how clever they are when they're riding in the back of a black and white C-A-R.
That's right, I'm talking about a - Limousine, y'all.
- Police car.
Oh, right.
Police.
Justice.
What's done in the dark comes to light.
God's flashlight ♪ Illuminates secrets ♪ Powered by truth ♪ And batteries ♪ My God, it's a hit.
You really think so? Yes.
She must be heard.
I'm gonna go show the girls, Dolly Parton.
- Thank you.
- Yes.
You smashed Kev's car.
No, it was crime.
Karma with a C? That is a deep dive back catalogue Girls5eva lyric.
You found something.
I thought I did, but you got into my head, and then the credit card lady said that there were condoms and hotels, but then Kev did my love languages.
- What is the plan here? There are cops involved.
O-M gosh, babe.
We are supes blessed.
Hello.
We got a match on some hair fibers in the vehicle.
It was that woman.
Yulia Kalashnik out of Brighton Beach.
Scumbag.
- And a bad haircut on her.
- Yeah.
She could have used some longer layers to frame her face.
You guys are incredible.
Right, babe? Yes.
Well, please let Ms.
Kalashnik know that we are Christians, so we forgive her.
Yes.
And then lock her ass up.
Let's go finish the paperwork? Yeah.
Gung-gung! That is obviously the woman from your extensions.
I can't believe they traced it to my hair.
I pooped in the glovebox.
You have to say something.
You know, I feel like I'm being a very rude host.
I'm gonna go check on my other guests.
- Hello, Nick.
- Hey, Wickie.
Look who followed me to a lame barbecue in New Jersey.
And, yes, I slept over last night.
Mm, 2002 was a golden year.
I won a four-figure class action suit against the Kids' Choice Awards because their slime contains Roundup.
I beat Vivica A.
Fox at Rock N' Jock, badminton, and Hugh Hefner told me through mutuals that he would.
Champagne me, baby.
Whew wow.
This is, um, this is breaking my freaking brain.
He's young, he's rich, and he's way too confident to have a weird dick.
You know, guys can tell these types of things.
I mean, I don't know, this just makes no sense to me.
Unless - He's in love with me.
- He's in love with you.
Oh, no.
Oh, I feel so bad for all of the women who come after me.
Stop avoiding me.
You can't let an innocent woman take the fall for you.
Listen to me.
I am sure that Yulia is no saint.
Aha, "I am guilty.
" See? She's bad.
"I am guilty of never being able to send enough money "back home to my dozen sisters.
We were separated by war ".
This is "Humans of New York"? They only feature angels.
Why don't you just tell the truth? Because.
I love Kev and I have a daughter with Kev, and I'm not gonna ruin my one weekend a month that I get with him because I had a rosé explosion.
Okay, Summer, okay.
But come on.
W-W-D-W-D? What Would Darryl from the Warehouse Do? I did it.
I wrote Girls5eva's new single.
Great.
What's it about? I'm afraid of heights, afraid of flying ♪ I'm afraid I might be a little stupid ♪ To write this song ♪ - Yes.
- That's sweet.
I'm afraid that during high winds ♪ The stop sign will uproot ♪ And decapitate me ♪ Or that I might thrive under Scientology ♪ I'm afraid that after I die ♪ Some will have sex with my dead body ♪ And be like "Not worth it" ♪ Ah, this is unrelatable.
I'm afraid I could raise a son ♪ Who get radicalized on Reddit ♪ Or that he'll "Back to the Future" ♪ And I'll think he's hot ♪ And I'm afraid ♪ I could accidentally ♪ Text a pic of my vagina ♪ To my dad ♪ Dad's phone, it can't even get texts.
All right? I gotta print out his porn for him.
Okay, fine, I will do the right thing.
Just make this stop.
Aah Now, I've got two middle names, so do you want 'em both, or how do you want to handle this? - Babe.
So sorry, so sorry.
- Yeah, babe.
Um, babe Yulia didn't kill your car.
It was Stevia.
What? Yeah.
The DNA match, it's gotta be from her hair extensions.
Ohhh See, babe, Stevia misses you.
This one weekend a month, it's just not enough for Stevia.
Ah, dang.
This is tween acting out 101.
Ah, babe, I've been a butthead.
Look, Tampa's mad busy, but I could come back two weekends a month.
Ah! - Stevia would really like that.
- Yeah? Also, she said that we should kiss more.
Huh.
Okay, yeah.
Mm, mm, mmmm, mmmmmm.
Ah, supes hot, babe.
I'm gonna go tell 'em we're dropping the charges.
Okay.
Ah, oh, my gosh.
Gloria.
We did it.
I had nothing to do with whatever that was.
Well, you said that distance kills a relationship and now I got rid of some of the distance.
I did say that.
Okay.
You enjoy your weekend.
Thank you, pretty baby.
Let's go, babe.
Ugh, Dawn's song was just embarrassing.
Reminds me of the time Dan Cortese showed me his poetry.
You know, I don't understand this at all, but, uh, good luck to you two, I guess.
Thank you.
See, Cray, Nick doubted our thang 'cause what he doesn't get is that we On twigs.
- Yup! - Oof! Yup.
- What is happening? - It's for TikTok.
We'll add music and graphics later.
- Who is he? - That's my twin brother, Ray.
And that's my twin brother Cray.
And together, we're Cray.
This whole thing was a 48 for 48 challenge, a prank to see if we could get an older woman to date us for 48 hours without her noticing.
Oh, my God, Cray.
I Stan you guys.
I love the one where you give Ambien to a bunch of first responders.
- Thanks lil' ho.
Everyone said it was impossible, especially our girlfriends, 'cause we had tried it with a bunch of other ladies who knew right away, but you never did.
You're a straight up narcissist, Wickie! Ha ha! But we had sex.
How dare you.
- Nah, man.
- We never touched you.
I have been told that my sexuality is slightly performative.
Pfft! Wickieroy, you got Crayed! Hahaha! This is amazing, 'cause the world, you know, it finally makes sense again, so just hang in there, all right? Be strong.
You got this.
Oh, honey.
TikTok dicklets.
Well, how'd it go? Bad, Dolly Parton.
What the hell? Maybe fasting's not your thing.
Maybe you're more of an Elvis.
I started talking about corpse sex immediately.
Why'd you let me do that? Because I'm not the real Dolly Parton.
I'm your hallucination of Dolly Parton.
That's why I don't look or sound quite right.
That's why my eyes are as brown as donkey shit.
My ass hasn't been this big since Beth's little whorehouse.
I'm starting to think you don't know that much about her.
I know you're a coal miner's daughter.
Ha ha! That's Loretta Lynn.
Now look, you can't expect your first song to be anything more than racoon tits.
The real Dolly wrote 5,000 songs before she had that magic day where she wrote two hits.
The good news is you've only got 4,999 more to go.
You started writing.
That's more than most people do.
Now keep doing.
You're right, Dolly.
Ha ha! Goodbye, Dawn.
I need to eat something.
Oh.
Hmm Yeah.
That feels good.
Ma'am, we're very much pranking you.
Mm-hmm.
And I'm afraid that on Ancestry.
com ♪ I might find out I have a bunch of half-siblings ♪ And they'll want to be in my life ♪ I'm afraid that if I got an awful disease ♪ I wouldn't be brave ♪ I'd just be a bitch and be mean ♪ Or if I needed emergency heart surgery ♪ The doctor would go "Hello nipple hair" ♪ I'm afraid ♪ That under every bus stop is a sinkhole of rats ♪ And I'm afraid ♪ They lie about expiration dates ♪ And my hummus is fungus ♪ I'm afraid that the second I leave town ♪ I'll get a UTI ♪ Why can't they just sell those pills over the counter ♪ I don't need a doctor ♪ I know exactly what it is ♪ Oh ♪ Back to my kid ♪ I have more stuff about him ♪ I only breastfed for four months ♪ Is he gonna be a bond trader? ♪ And of course ♪ I'm afraid that my grandparents' ghosts ♪ Have all seen me ♪ Masturbate ♪ I'm sorry ♪ I'm sorry Nana ♪ - Good night everybody.
- Good night.
Sitting at my friend's piano ♪ In my apartment ♪ Actually, it's my brother's apartment ♪ I still pay him rent ♪ How does Flo Rida do this? Aah! Oh.
Yo, keep it down.
There's a kid in here somewhere, I think.
- See you later, baby.
- Vibes, girl.
Did you have a sex guest in my four-year-old's room? Max crawls into your bed every night at midnight.
I texted Cray at midnight 15.
Where did you meet someone named Cray? At the Instagram wall in the vape lounge of the sriracha museum.
It's a very spiritual place.
Does he know how old you are? Do you know how old you are? Because you won't even wear reading glasses.
I'll have the Shiraz, please.
I know I'm 40-blah-blah.
It's just that back in the day, I was always the younger one dating older industry creeps, and now it's my turn.
I control the games.
Is that the healthiest thing? Have you written our single yet? Back off.
I'm working on it.
Wow, somebody's a little hunty.
Don't you mean hangry? I don't.
No.
The greatest songwriter in the world, Dolly Parton, starts writing at 3:00 a.
m.
and she fasts while she writes.
So I'm following the Dolly method till I write us a hit.
If she can write "Jolene" and "I Will Always Love You" on the same day, I can write us a song that's not owned by some evil record dude.
The old me probably would have dated that evil record dude and had to wait at Ivan's while he did the CMA red carpet alone, but the tables are turned, baby.
Forgot my socks.
Nut tap, huh! It's wonderful.
We have a shorthand.
Gonna be famous 5eva ♪ 'Cause 4eva's 2 short ♪ It's too short ♪ Gonna be famous 3gether ♪ 'Cause that's 1 more than 2gether ♪ Gonna be famous 5eva ♪ 'Cause 4eva's too short ♪ Girls 5eva ♪ Thank you for bringing me here.
Well, Zahir is a genius.
Oh, there he is.
What are we doing? Well, I gotta find my popstar look.
Play with the angles, but no mohawk, 'cause I have a dent on this side from trying to hang a flat screen TV.
And I'm thinking I need to freshen up the extensions.
There was a mudslide at Bella Hadid's ranch, so we just got some horse in.
Oh, well, actually, Kev's flying in tonight, so I was thinking I splurge and go human.
Lucky man! I got a wonderful supplier out of Brighton Beach.
The hot dog smell will dissipate - after four or five washes.
- Yum! You're coming to the BBQ, right? Oh, of course we are.
Wickie, Dawn, all of us.
So this is Kev's monthly visit, huh? Yeah, I know, it really sucks.
They just work him so hard at WTIT.
It's crazy.
Like some nights, he doesn't even make it home.
He has to sleep over at the weatherman's house.
Oh, boy.
Summer, you know that you can always talk to me about how you and Kev are doing.
We're amazing.
It's just, you know, distance can kill even the most amazing relationship.
When Caroline took that adjunct professor job up in Ithaca, we thought we could handle the distance, and it just wrecked me.
I started self-medicating with Spaniels Gloria, I'm sorry, but that would never happen with me and Kev.
We're Summer and Kev.
Summer and Kev's ♪ Sweetheart sweats ♪ Sweating with your sweetheart's ♪ Better than sex ♪ We're boy band and girl group's royal couple.
Okay, forget I said anything.
Takin' those words and putting 'em back ♪ Zipping it up ♪ Withdrawn, just like my 20s.
Yo, you and Scott, you guys having trouble? You know, I saw a man's shadow on the Nest Cam last night.
- You're cheating.
- What? No.
He was with Ricky.
You have a Nest Cam? Yeah, it's my apartment.
Your song said so.
It's not a song yet.
I used to have dreams, you know that? I wanted to be Keith Hernandez, but I had to give it up, because, you know, you can't be another person.
The science is just not there yet.
I'm not giving up.
I just need something to write about.
Like, Dolly Parton wrote Jolene about a bank teller that flirted with her husband.
Perfect.
Go to the bank, and when you're there, you can deposit last night's cash.
Don't let 'em tell you they can't accept it if it's wet, all right? Look, I got a bunch of other stuff here.
You're looking for inspiration, I just handed you a whole album.
And you better take me to the GRAMMYs and not Mom.
You're not holding up restaurant sauce on the red carpet.
Oh, yeah, I am.
Love you! I just love it.
- You're a snack.
- Ha.
Thank you.
Sorry, gorg, your card's been declined.
Okay, I don't like this part, but we're gonna need to take the hair back.
- Whoa! - Ah, ah, I meant to say that I am treating today because you brought me here.
Oh.
Do you have Kev share that account? We share everything.
Finances, jeans, respect and admiration for the troops.
Maybe call the credit card company and see what or who he's spending money on.
I thought that you were zipping it.
I'm just trying to keep an eye out for you.
Gloria! I trust my husband.
I love my husband.
I love his soul.
I love his swoopy boy band hair that caused one of his eyes to atrophy and turn inward.
God put me and Kev together.
PR reps put you and Kev together to sell Noxzema.
And who do you think created the PR reps? Ha ha.
Actually, before the BBQ, we're gonna have this supes chill bible study.
We're gonna talk about lasting relationships.
You should come, because what you'll get to see is a very happy couple.
I'm probably like the happiest person that's ever been in here.
No.
You must see a lot of stuff from behind that counter.
Anything crazy? You ever hit on somebody's husband, or One time, somebody put dog shit in the ATM, and I had to scrape it out with an envelope.
Next.
Woof, woof, woof ♪ Got a deposit, Mommy ♪ Not for me.
Hey, you know that, um, that Sierra Mist, that's not free.
I dropped it into this cup, and now I'm cleaning it up with my mouth.
Wait a second.
I know that look.
You got the vampire glow going on.
Are you feasting on youth? Yes.
I am dating a younger guy.
I finally get why men do this.
They're so firm and happy.
Welcome to the club.
Hey, um, how young we talking here? - Maybe 20.
- How many abs? All.
Oh, boy.
20 with abs, you know, with that comes a lot of upkeep.
This is how you keep them on the hook.
You take them to Atlantic City on their birthdays.
Twice a month, get 'em jewelry.
Here's a hot tip: Pavé is still diamonds but is cheaper.
And most importantly, take the erection pill when the appetizer comes.
We are not alike.
Unlike you, I'm a hot and captivating woman.
I admit that you're way better looking than me, all right, I get that, but there's a clock on these things, all right? One day you're getting out of a hot tub naked and then realize that your butt crack is only an inch long, and bam! It's over.
A second alarm goes off.
No, in my circles, the December always dumps the May.
You know, this whole thing about a woman exploiting a man sexually, personally to me, it's disgusting.
But it's 2015, so God bless.
It's 2021.
Don't fight me on everything, all right? Hot Topic Crystal Visa.
This call is being recorded, and I am judging you.
Could you just go over the most recent charges, please? Let's see a lot of activity out of the Tampa area.
Big charges to a florist.
You purchased a two-seater Sea-Doo.
Hotel stay in the Keys.
A bulk order of 200 condoms.
Jealous.
Uh, oh, boy ♪ You've gone and made a big mistake ♪ So now you're zoom zoom ♪ Is gonna go boom boom ♪ Zoom zoom boom boom ♪ Should of thought twice ♪ Zoom zoom boom boom ♪ You're gonna pay the price ♪ Sorry Mr.
Buddha but there's some kinda spell ♪ With a C-A-R ♪ I need to ruin zooms ♪ Every cheated girl hasn't used ♪ And golf clubs are fire, like Angela Bassett ♪ It's either this or throwing suits ♪ Out of an upstairs window ♪ I'm no Dolly Parton.
Well, that's good.
I don't think the world could survive two of us.
Dolly Parton? That's what it says on my amusement park.
Dolly! I-I tried what you did.
It didn't work.
I can't write a song.
That's 'cause you're looking outside for ideas.
"Jolene" was about how I felt.
What do you feel right now? I'm I feel like what business do I have writing anything? What if I don't have what it takes and I let everybody down? Because outside of being a mom, I haven't tried at anything in so long.
I'm not even sure how to do it.
It's like how you know how to walk, but then you think about walking and you can't.
Suddenly you're in charge of a complicated spaceship.
Darling, you're onto something.
What else scares you? Everything.
Panic attacks, guns, accidentally being a Karen.
Just about anything prolapsing.
Oh, what about that flesh eating bacteria you can get from pedicures? Uh-huh.
This is all songwriting gold.
It is? Come on, let's get to work.
Hey, Mrs.
Bello, how you feeling, huh? Stop asking.
I'm from that village in Italy where nobody dies 'cause of community.
Yeah, you pay 40 bucks a month.
Why don't you go live with your kids, huh? I don't like their wives.
Yeah, you killing me, you know that? Seriously.
Seriously killing me.
Hey, whoa, J.
Lo.
Did Biebs dump you yet, huh? Please, this relationship will be over when I say it's over.
All right, all right, I see what's going on here.
You bought him a car, huh? Cray has his own money.
He's a gamer.
His office chair cost $45,000.
Whoa, let me get this straight.
He's the young one, and he's the one with the money? No, no, no, that's not how it works.
Never, ever.
You're playing with fire.
Get out before the clock runs out.
Enjoy your night alone, Nick.
You're never alone when you're at.
Valley's Total Fitness.
Do not be roped in by his beauty.
Ah.
Wow, babe, you look gorg.
I know your love language, babe.
I wanted to get you Dior sunnies too, but our credit card got funked up.
Identity theft.
Identity theft? The devil is busy.
Wow, y'all, wow! I bet a bear or maybe a man did it.
Or there's been a lot of wind lately.
Well, that's a lot of wind, babe.
There's a song in you, Dawn.
Let's get it out.
C.
A minor.
G, G, G minor.
You're going too fast.
Ah.
Only the muse can eat.
We gotta get you out of your head.
Protect it! Oh! Nothing but net.
Now you're cooking with bird grease.
I have interviewed the biggest names in Tampa.
Brooke Hogan, John Cena's leg day trainer, but y'all are the real stars.
Get on in there.
Find yourself a seat.
- Oh.
- Oh! Oh, you came.
Hi, you two.
Hey girl, hey.
Loving the J swag.
Oh, well, yeah, I'm short on church merch, so I added J-E to an old census shirt.
Ah, nah, you're good.
We're the cool kind of Christians who wear sneakers and compare the bible to characters from "The Office.
" So, Kev, how's Tampa? Who are your friends? Do you have a finsta? Hey, Gloria, let me help you find a seat.
Do you know what I just realized? What? Divorced people just want everybody else to get divorced.
You are worse than people who do CrossFit.
I don't want to be divorced.
I want to be back with Caroline so bad I had one of her crowns put in my mouth, but my body keeps rejecting it.
I just don't want you to have blinders on with that guy.
I don't.
There is nothing shady going on.
It was identity thieves.
- Really? - Yes! Judas is Dwight Schrute ♪ And Jesus is Darryl ♪ From the warehouse ♪ The power of Christ compels me to tell you y'all are rad.
Yeah, baby.
And I know from the outside we make it look pretty easy.
The red carpets, the press, our album of clean Christmas hip hop duets sold exclusively at Cracker Barrel.
I mean, we're Kev and Summer.
Uh, we're Summer and Kev.
Oh! She's the boss.
But friends, things aren't always easy at home.
I'm gonna get mad real with you and let you in on what's happening behind closed doors.
My baby blue BMW Z3 that got me featured on Clergy and Cars Instagram was attacked last night.
It's mostly surface damage.
Probably from storms? Some misguided soul was filled with mad jealously because of the #blessings God has bestowed on my family.
They even carved "carma" into the paint with a C-A-R.
Some sick stuff, bro.
Well, let's see how clever they are when they're riding in the back of a black and white C-A-R.
That's right, I'm talking about a - Limousine, y'all.
- Police car.
Oh, right.
Police.
Justice.
What's done in the dark comes to light.
God's flashlight ♪ Illuminates secrets ♪ Powered by truth ♪ And batteries ♪ My God, it's a hit.
You really think so? Yes.
She must be heard.
I'm gonna go show the girls, Dolly Parton.
- Thank you.
- Yes.
You smashed Kev's car.
No, it was crime.
Karma with a C? That is a deep dive back catalogue Girls5eva lyric.
You found something.
I thought I did, but you got into my head, and then the credit card lady said that there were condoms and hotels, but then Kev did my love languages.
- What is the plan here? There are cops involved.
O-M gosh, babe.
We are supes blessed.
Hello.
We got a match on some hair fibers in the vehicle.
It was that woman.
Yulia Kalashnik out of Brighton Beach.
Scumbag.
- And a bad haircut on her.
- Yeah.
She could have used some longer layers to frame her face.
You guys are incredible.
Right, babe? Yes.
Well, please let Ms.
Kalashnik know that we are Christians, so we forgive her.
Yes.
And then lock her ass up.
Let's go finish the paperwork? Yeah.
Gung-gung! That is obviously the woman from your extensions.
I can't believe they traced it to my hair.
I pooped in the glovebox.
You have to say something.
You know, I feel like I'm being a very rude host.
I'm gonna go check on my other guests.
- Hello, Nick.
- Hey, Wickie.
Look who followed me to a lame barbecue in New Jersey.
And, yes, I slept over last night.
Mm, 2002 was a golden year.
I won a four-figure class action suit against the Kids' Choice Awards because their slime contains Roundup.
I beat Vivica A.
Fox at Rock N' Jock, badminton, and Hugh Hefner told me through mutuals that he would.
Champagne me, baby.
Whew wow.
This is, um, this is breaking my freaking brain.
He's young, he's rich, and he's way too confident to have a weird dick.
You know, guys can tell these types of things.
I mean, I don't know, this just makes no sense to me.
Unless - He's in love with me.
- He's in love with you.
Oh, no.
Oh, I feel so bad for all of the women who come after me.
Stop avoiding me.
You can't let an innocent woman take the fall for you.
Listen to me.
I am sure that Yulia is no saint.
Aha, "I am guilty.
" See? She's bad.
"I am guilty of never being able to send enough money "back home to my dozen sisters.
We were separated by war ".
This is "Humans of New York"? They only feature angels.
Why don't you just tell the truth? Because.
I love Kev and I have a daughter with Kev, and I'm not gonna ruin my one weekend a month that I get with him because I had a rosé explosion.
Okay, Summer, okay.
But come on.
W-W-D-W-D? What Would Darryl from the Warehouse Do? I did it.
I wrote Girls5eva's new single.
Great.
What's it about? I'm afraid of heights, afraid of flying ♪ I'm afraid I might be a little stupid ♪ To write this song ♪ - Yes.
- That's sweet.
I'm afraid that during high winds ♪ The stop sign will uproot ♪ And decapitate me ♪ Or that I might thrive under Scientology ♪ I'm afraid that after I die ♪ Some will have sex with my dead body ♪ And be like "Not worth it" ♪ Ah, this is unrelatable.
I'm afraid I could raise a son ♪ Who get radicalized on Reddit ♪ Or that he'll "Back to the Future" ♪ And I'll think he's hot ♪ And I'm afraid ♪ I could accidentally ♪ Text a pic of my vagina ♪ To my dad ♪ Dad's phone, it can't even get texts.
All right? I gotta print out his porn for him.
Okay, fine, I will do the right thing.
Just make this stop.
Aah Now, I've got two middle names, so do you want 'em both, or how do you want to handle this? - Babe.
So sorry, so sorry.
- Yeah, babe.
Um, babe Yulia didn't kill your car.
It was Stevia.
What? Yeah.
The DNA match, it's gotta be from her hair extensions.
Ohhh See, babe, Stevia misses you.
This one weekend a month, it's just not enough for Stevia.
Ah, dang.
This is tween acting out 101.
Ah, babe, I've been a butthead.
Look, Tampa's mad busy, but I could come back two weekends a month.
Ah! - Stevia would really like that.
- Yeah? Also, she said that we should kiss more.
Huh.
Okay, yeah.
Mm, mm, mmmm, mmmmmm.
Ah, supes hot, babe.
I'm gonna go tell 'em we're dropping the charges.
Okay.
Ah, oh, my gosh.
Gloria.
We did it.
I had nothing to do with whatever that was.
Well, you said that distance kills a relationship and now I got rid of some of the distance.
I did say that.
Okay.
You enjoy your weekend.
Thank you, pretty baby.
Let's go, babe.
Ugh, Dawn's song was just embarrassing.
Reminds me of the time Dan Cortese showed me his poetry.
You know, I don't understand this at all, but, uh, good luck to you two, I guess.
Thank you.
See, Cray, Nick doubted our thang 'cause what he doesn't get is that we On twigs.
- Yup! - Oof! Yup.
- What is happening? - It's for TikTok.
We'll add music and graphics later.
- Who is he? - That's my twin brother, Ray.
And that's my twin brother Cray.
And together, we're Cray.
This whole thing was a 48 for 48 challenge, a prank to see if we could get an older woman to date us for 48 hours without her noticing.
Oh, my God, Cray.
I Stan you guys.
I love the one where you give Ambien to a bunch of first responders.
- Thanks lil' ho.
Everyone said it was impossible, especially our girlfriends, 'cause we had tried it with a bunch of other ladies who knew right away, but you never did.
You're a straight up narcissist, Wickie! Ha ha! But we had sex.
How dare you.
- Nah, man.
- We never touched you.
I have been told that my sexuality is slightly performative.
Pfft! Wickieroy, you got Crayed! Hahaha! This is amazing, 'cause the world, you know, it finally makes sense again, so just hang in there, all right? Be strong.
You got this.
Oh, honey.
TikTok dicklets.
Well, how'd it go? Bad, Dolly Parton.
What the hell? Maybe fasting's not your thing.
Maybe you're more of an Elvis.
I started talking about corpse sex immediately.
Why'd you let me do that? Because I'm not the real Dolly Parton.
I'm your hallucination of Dolly Parton.
That's why I don't look or sound quite right.
That's why my eyes are as brown as donkey shit.
My ass hasn't been this big since Beth's little whorehouse.
I'm starting to think you don't know that much about her.
I know you're a coal miner's daughter.
Ha ha! That's Loretta Lynn.
Now look, you can't expect your first song to be anything more than racoon tits.
The real Dolly wrote 5,000 songs before she had that magic day where she wrote two hits.
The good news is you've only got 4,999 more to go.
You started writing.
That's more than most people do.
Now keep doing.
You're right, Dolly.
Ha ha! Goodbye, Dawn.
I need to eat something.
Oh.
Hmm Yeah.
That feels good.
Ma'am, we're very much pranking you.
Mm-hmm.
And I'm afraid that on Ancestry.
com ♪ I might find out I have a bunch of half-siblings ♪ And they'll want to be in my life ♪ I'm afraid that if I got an awful disease ♪ I wouldn't be brave ♪ I'd just be a bitch and be mean ♪ Or if I needed emergency heart surgery ♪ The doctor would go "Hello nipple hair" ♪ I'm afraid ♪ That under every bus stop is a sinkhole of rats ♪ And I'm afraid ♪ They lie about expiration dates ♪ And my hummus is fungus ♪ I'm afraid that the second I leave town ♪ I'll get a UTI ♪ Why can't they just sell those pills over the counter ♪ I don't need a doctor ♪ I know exactly what it is ♪ Oh ♪ Back to my kid ♪ I have more stuff about him ♪ I only breastfed for four months ♪ Is he gonna be a bond trader? ♪ And of course ♪ I'm afraid that my grandparents' ghosts ♪ Have all seen me ♪ Masturbate ♪ I'm sorry ♪ I'm sorry Nana ♪ - Good night everybody.
- Good night.