Glee s01e04 Episode Script

#A II the single ladies # - #A II the single ladies # - #A II the single ladies # #All the single ladies # - #A II the single ladies # - #A II the single ladies # - #A II the single ladies # - #Now put your hands up # #Up in the club Wejust broke up # #I'm doing my own little thing # #Actin'up Drink in my cup # #I can care less what you think # #I need no permission Did I mention # #Don't pay him any attention # #'Cause you had your turn and now you gonna learn # #What it really feels like to miss me # #'Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it # #If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it # #Don't be mad once you see that he want it # #If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it # #Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh-oh # #Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh # #Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh # #Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ## Dad.
You're home early.
Deadliest Catch is on.
- What are you wearing? - It's a unitard.
Guys wear them to, uh, work out nowadays.
Do sports.
They wick sweat from the body.
F-F-Football.
Yeah, all the guys in football wear 'em.
They're jock-chic.
Totally.
Kurt's on the football team now.
He's the kicker.
That's the smallest guy on the field, right? Yeah.
Ye Brit and Tina were just helping me with some conditioning work.
Hmm.
Really? You know, I played in J.
C.
Before I busted up my knee poppin' wheelies on my dirt bike.
Cool.
I guess we'll have something to talk about then.
So one of you two his girlfriend? But I'm not ready to be exclusive just yet.
Hmm.
All right, just keep the music down.
I can't hear myself think up there.
Hey, Kurt.
Be sure to get me a ticket to your first game.
You're doing great, baby.
Just keep breathing.
No, no, no.
Giving birth is not like how it is in the movies.
It is bloody and bestial and you get poop all over your cowboy boots.
- Well, I'm just trying to be supportive.
- Well, this isn't about you.
I'm sorry, Kendra.
When was I making it about me? You have to be liked, Will.
You're nice and supportive and you avoid conflict.
Your wife is going to be pushing a watermelon out of her boy-howdy in five months.
She doesn't need nice.
She needs Dolomite.
- I can be tough.
- Of course you can, sweetie.
Okay, why don't you come on down here.
I'm gonna show you how to rub the gas bubbles out of your wife's stomach.
- Oh, no, wait.
- Oh, no, no.
You'll like it.
Phil still does it to me.
- It feels great.
- I don't want him touching my stomach.
- I mean, maybe he would bruise the baby.
- Oh.
Yeah.
Honey, would you make me a B.
L.
T? Sure.
Uh Um, it's gonna take a few minutes though.
- That's okay.
- Okay, be right back.
Make me one too.
But hold the tomato.
- Okay.
- And the lettuce.
- Okay.
- I can't do this.
Don't worry about it.
You're gonna have an epidural.
I'm just making it sound worse than it is to make him feel guilty.
And then you have him by the balls for the rest of your life.
Kendra, if I told you something, would you promise not to tell anybody, not even Phil? Oh, my God.
Is the baby black? No.
The doctor said it's a hysterical pregnancy.
I can't tell Will.
I can't.
He already has one foot out the door.
This baby's the only reason he's still here.
What do you think he's gonna do when he finds out you lied? Oh, God, I don't know.
I gotta tell him the truth.
I've gotta tell him, and I've gotta deal with the consequences.
- Are you insane? - What? Dishonesty is food to a marriage.
It will die without it.
- Oh, Kendra.
- Stop being so emotional.
- Okay.
- The solution is clear.
We're gonna have to get you a baby.
Hey, guys.
- I hope I'm not intruding.
- No.
Not at all.
Oh, um, so get this.
You know how I'm kind of like a local news junkie, right? - Isn't that kind of depressing? - Oh, no.
It's kind of like a horror film, you know.
It's drug recalls and poison toys.
Africanized bees that was terrible.
That's because disasters freak you out yet fascinate you at the same time, sweetie.
So you like the local news because this way you can experience them from the safety of your condo.
Anyway Yeah, um, they just finished this story on this zoo mauling and, um, you'll never guess who came on next.
Well, let's see what's going on now with the local champion cheerleading coach, Sue Sylvester in a brand-new segment we call "Sue's Corner.
" Take it away, Sue.
Thanks, Rod, Andrea.
You know, caning has fallen out of fashion in the United States.
But ask anyone who's safely walked the immaculate sidewalks of Singapore after winning an international cheerleading competition and they'll tell you one thing: Caning works.
And I think it's about time we did a little more of it right here.
And to all those naysayers out there who say, " That's illegal.
You can't strike children on their bare buttocks with razor-sharp bamboo sticks.
" Well, to them I say, yes, we cane.
And that's how Sue sees it.
They gave her a segment on the local news? - Mm-hmm.
- Why? Because being a local celebrity who's been written up twice on the sports page of USA Today has its perks, William.
Hey, pal, you wanna pull that chair out for me? My hand's still sore from signing autographs down at the Donut Hole this morning.
Brought you some holes I couldn't finish.
And, uh, F.
Y.
I the overnights were through the roof.
You don't know what that means, do you? Overnights.
Well, that's lingo for overnight ratings which shows us leading among 18 to 49-year-olds making WOHN western Ohio's number one local newscast.
- Wow.
- "Wow" is the word, Alma.
You know, I wasn't always in the spotlight.
But I didn't wanna end up stuck at a lousy high school wrestling with mental illness.
Or 40 and single coaching the worst football team in the history of our state.
Or having to go to the salon every week to have my hair permed.
I didn't wanna have to do that to myself.
So I sent out my résumé, and I am so happy to tell you that I am busting out of my box.
I'd love to stay and chat, but I got a satellite interview.
That's lingo, again, for an interview via satellite.
- E-Excuse me.
This-This isn't the right key.
- It's actually the right key.
- This is the alto part.
- Yep.
Tina's doing the solo.
I'm-I'm sorry.
There must be some sort of mix-up.
I thought I made it very clear that anything from West Side Story goes to me.
Maria is my part.
Natalie Wood was a Jew, you know.
I've had a very deep, personal connection to this role since the age of one.
Well, I'm trying to shake things up a bit, get us out of our boxes.
- You're trying to punish me.
- I think you're being irrational.
I think you're being unfair.
I think you're being unfair to Tina who might have been happy about getting her first solo.
Tina knows how much I respect her, and I think she would agree with me that she's not ready for such an iconic role as Maria.
Wait.
I'm a Jet? The more times she storms out of rehearsal, the less impact it has.
Congratulations, Tina.
This is going well.
Finn? I needed to ask you something.
Thanks, but I already have a date to the prom.
But I'm flattered.
I know how important dances are to teen gays.
- I'm not gay.
- Oh.
I just I needed a favor.
This is not that difficult, gentlemen.
Let's go.
Come on! Let's go! Just relax, okay? Remember what I told you.
Keep your eye on the ball.
Don't try to aim it.
- Okay, put your helmet on.
- It'll mess up my hair.
Put your Put your helmet on, okay? - Oh! God, it's - Good.
Red's your color.
Thank you for helping me with this, Finn.
You're really cool.
Well, I figure the more crossover between Glee and football the easier my life's gonna be.
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where you going? - To get my music ready.
- What, are you nuts? You can't use that.
- But we did when we were rehearsing.
- Practicing.
No one was around.
You know how much interference I had to run with these guys just to get you this tryout? If you do it your way, they're gonna kill you.
My body is like a rum chocolate soufflé.
If I don't warm it up right, it doesn't rise.
I'm doing this.
I'm doing it my way.
So are you two an item now, or - He doesn't belong here.
- You joined Acafellas.
What's the difference? I'm a stud, dude.
I can wear a dress to school, and people think it's cool.
Everybody take a knee.
Six games.
Our kicker, Mr.
Langanthal is zero for 12 in field goal attempts.
As most of you statistically-minded people know that sucks! So Mr.
Langanthal will thusly now be in charge of hydration services.
The next player that can get a football between those uprights will get his job.
Hi.
I'm Kurt Hummel, and I'll be auditioning for the role of kicker.
# I'm up on him He up on me # # Don't pay him any attention # #Just cried my tears for three good years You can't be mad at me # #'Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it # # If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it # #Don't be mad once you see that he want it # #'Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it # #Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh-oh # #Oh, oh, oh, oh # #Oh, oh, oh # - That was good, right? - Yeah.
- It's good.
- Yeah.
Can you do that with the game on the line and 10 gorillas bearing down on you - who want nothing more than to taste your sweet virgin blood? - Sounds like fun.
Can I have my music? If you kick like that, you can wear a tutu for all I care.
Gentlemen, we have found ourselves a kicker! #What it really feels like to miss me # #'Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it # # Oh, oh, oh ## More mail for you, Sue.
But I think there might be some hate mail mixed in from your editorial on littering.
Well, Mr.
McClung, your station didn't hire me because I was yella.
And not everyone's gonna have the walnuts to take a pro-littering stance but I will not rest until every inch of our fair state is covered in garbage.
That's why I pay taxes.
It keeps garbage men earning a living so they can afford tacos for their family.
Fantastic.
But I'm concerned about your future at WOHN.
You see, my daughter goes to your school and she says that a lot of the top cheerleaders are defecting to the show choir.
You know, it makes me wonder if you're if you're losing all that talent how you can expect to win nationals.
See, your segment's all about being a champion, Sue, a winner.
So we need you to win nationals.
Okay.
Uh, thanks a bunch.
Great work.
Quinn.
Quinn.
Hey, what's with the silent treatment? Whatever I did, I'm sorry.
I'm pregnant.
I wasn't sure, and I really didn't wanna go by myself.
- I'm so sorry that I didn't tell you sooner.
- Mine? Yes, you.
Who else's would it be? - But we we never - Last month.
Hot tub? Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh.
Think of the mail.
Think of the mail.
Think of the - Oh, you killed him! What are you gonna do? - Oh.
- But we were wearing our swimsuits.
- AskJeeves said a hot tub is the perfect temperature for sperm.
It helps it swim faster.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- Are Are you gonna get a - No.
I really thought I had a shot of getting out of here.
I've been collecting since 1961.
Now, isn't this just lovely and normal? They're my everything.
Teatime! Right.
So, to what do I owe the honor of your presence? Oh, I just thought I'd stop by and say hello, buddy.
Boy, the only thing missing from this place is a couple dozen bodies limed and rotting in shallow graves under the floorboards.
Please, have a seat on the casting couch.
It is so wonderful to finally have some Sandy time.
I have my bridge game on Fridays.
Saturdays, I am fully committed at the local cat rescue.
Sandy.
Let's cut the crap.
I'm living in a cocoon of horror.
Yesterday I ate nine cans of aerosol whipped cream.
- No - You Sandy, Sandy.
We have similar problems.
You need to be back in the spotlight.
I wanna offer you the school's arts administrator position.
You will have control of all the arts programs music, art, drama.
Wait for it.
Glee Club.
That's impossible.
Figgins will never allow it.
Oh, don't you worry about Figgins.
I'm never letting Sandy Ryerson back in this school.
Take a look at this.
Well, I would hate to think of this video circulating around the school.
Better yet, YouTube.
- Our first order of business is Glee Club.
- Oh! I couldn't agree with you more.
William is running it into the ground.
And there's one linchpin holding that group together.
Rachel Berry.
How do we steal her away? Hold on to your Easter bonnet, Sandy.
I'm gonna fire four words at you.
Liza Minnelli.
Céline Dion.
Oh, yeah.
I am yours.
#What do you say to taking chances # #What do you say # #To jumping off the edge # # Never knowing # # If there's solid ground below # #Or a hand to hold # #Or hell to pay # #What do you say # #What do you say # - Wow.
- What's next? Congratulations, Miss Sally Bowles.
You havejust landed the lead.
- This is a joke.
- William.
Sandy has never been formally charged with anything.
And the fact is, upon further reflection, my firing of him was rash.
This is a wonderful thing, Will.
How many times have you sat in the chair complaining how I don't care about the arts program? This was you.
You have always been out to get me.
Well, if I was out to get you, I'd have you pickling in a mason jar on my shelf by now.
William, take a chill pill.
I'm here to help you.
Oh, really? Is that why you stole my best singer? An opportunity arose for me to showcase my talents, and I took it.
How is that any different from when you quit Glee to form your boy band? Because I didn't do it out of spite.
I'm offended by that accusation.
I've always been a team player.
- Just admit it, Mr.
Schue.
You don't like me very much.
- That's not true.
I am your biggest, and sometimes your only fan.
Look, I know who I am, okay? I know I can be a little abrasive, bossy and conceited.
I'm just hurt that you chose to judge me on that rather than on my talent.
I know it sounds awful, but I'm the best one in there.
I try the hardest, and I want it the most.
Everyone knows that, and they're scared of it.
They all think that they can slack off because you'll pick up their weight.
We can't win regionals like that.
We need everyone to think that they're a star.
We're giving everyone a chance to think they're a star.
We're providing opportunities.
We're opening doors.
Find your voice.
Stomp that yard.
All that crap.
- What does she have on you? - Enough.
I tried to play nice with you, William.
But clearly, you prefer to be adversaries.
So be it.
I'm not quitting Glee.
I'm just looking for a reason to stay.
Oh, like me taking the solo away from Tina? Everyone on the team is getting something out of being there.
You're doing a great job of getting them out of their shells.
Except for me.
I'm still getting my lipstick flushed in the toilet.
I still don't have a boyfriend.
Tina's great, but why do you have to hurt me to make her feel good? Just come to rehearsal.
#Tonight, tonight # # It all began tonight # #I saw you and the world went away # #Tonight, tonight # #There's only you tonight # #What you are, what you do What you say # #Today, all day I had the feeling # #Amiracle would happen # # I know now I was right # # For here you are # #And what was just a world is a star # #Tonight # That was great, Tina.
Good job.
You don't have to say that.
I was sh-sharp.
- I c-can't do this.
- Hey, look at me.
Have you noticed the more confident you are, the less you stutter? Hey.
I need you to be great at regionals.
To do that, you've got to know that you can do this.
You have to give this song to Rachel.
She's better than me.
And you know she'll quit if you don't.
I'll just take one for the team.
Hey, Finn, what's up? Hey.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Thanks a lot for this, Mr.
Schue.
- I couldn't talk to my mom, you know.
- Yeah.
So how far along is she? I don't know.
A couple of weeks maybe.
It's pretty recent, I guess.
Well, what do you what do you need me to do? You want me to You want me to set you up with Planned Parenthood? No.
No.
It's not even a conversation.
She's keeping it.
I've seen the guys around town who had kids in high school.
They work here or at the supermarket or pumping gas or worse.
They're caged.
Got no future.
I can't become one of those dudes.
Mr.
Schue, I got to go to college.
But we don't have any money, and I need a football scholarship.
But the only way I'm gonna get one is if we start winning.
I'm not a football coach.
Remember when we were working on that Acafella stuff and you helped me and Puck with the dancing? - Yeah.
- You loosened us up.
That's the football team's problem.
Lfigured it out watching Kurt kick those field goals.
Here.
Check this out.
I got this at the school library.
Did you know you can just borrow books from there? All of'em.
Except for the encyclopedias, but It says in here that Walter Payton was a great dancer.
In college, he won dance competitions on Soul Train.
And he took ballet lessons.
And he even got the whole Bears team to take them the year they won the Super Bowl.
- That's how they came up with the Super Bowl Shuffle.
- Let me just get this straight.
You want me to teach the football team how to dance? Uh, I don't think Ken will go for that.
We'll talk him into it.
Look, you said you needed guys for Glee Club, right? If you can help us win one game, they'll start to trust you.
Then I'm sure some of them will wanna join.
It's a win-win for both of us.
Eat up.
- How far along is she? - A few weeks.
It breaks my heart.
They're both so scared to death, Ter.
They're just kids.
They can't raise a baby.
Here this poor girl is so ashamed she feels like she can't tell anybody.
I mean, can you imagine? Having to hide something like that.
All that effort covering that up.
What did you say her name was? Quinn? - Quinn Fabray.
- Oh.
Oh, and here's the kicker.
She's president of the Celibacy Club.
This is garbage.
What the hell does Beyoncé have to do with football? Why don't you ask Kurt? He seems to be the only one who can score on this team.
- Even in practice.
- So we're taking coaching advice from Lance Bass now? Guys.
Guys.
Athletes are performers just like singers and dancers.
And think about it.
Jim Brown.
Dick Butkus.
- O.
J.
- O.
J.
Right.
All pretty tough guys.
All of them had big careers as performers.
Now, I don't think you guys are losing because you don't have the talent.
You're losing because you don't have the right attitude.
Oh, I get it.
We have to think more like Amazonian black women.
Think about it.
If you can sing and dance in front of people, everything else is easy.
Coach.
Please.
Step in here.
I'm down with it.
I mean, heck, what do we got to lose? We gave up our pride when we lost to that school for the deaf.
That's true.
Sun Tzu says in his Art of War to never let the enemy know you.
Our greatest weapon could be the element of surprise.
Don't tell me that you wouldn't be on your heels if the other team started busting a move on the field.
Okay, too much talking, not enough stretching.
In the choir room in full pads in five.
That's five minutes.
Let's go.
A-five, six, seven, eight.
Step, ball change, up.
# Da, da, da, da # # Ba, ba, ba A-ba, ba, bam # That's good, guys.
Your hips are still a little tight, okay? It's just like you're playing football.
It's all about the lateral movement.
Just stay low and - May I? - Watch Kurt.
All right, boys.
Five, six, seven.
Hand, hand.
Point to the finger.
Hip, head.
Oh! Sneak attack.
Back to the ring.
Comb through the hair.
Slap the butt.
Okay, that's enough for today, gentlemen.
We'll work on it.
Just hit the showers.
Bye, Coach.
Um, Coach, I don't mean to interject but I think we should end with a show circle.
What's your problem? Nothing.
I just got a lot on my mind.
Seriously, dude, what's going on? I'm your best friend.
Talk.
It's personal.
I knew it.
You're in love with Kurt.
Quinn's pregnant.
She's keeping the baby.
- What's up, MI LF? - Leave me alone.
Who's the daddy? I just think it's kind of weird if it's Finn since you told me you were a virgin when we did it.
And I know for a fact that you didn't do it with him.
How can you be so sure? Finn's my boy.
He would've told me.
You make a habit of sleeping with your boy's girlfriends? Well, call the Vatican.
We got ourselves another Immaculate Conception.
I'd take care of it, you know.
You too.
My dad's a deadbeat, but I don't roll that way.
Weren't you fired for peeing in the fast-food fryolator? - I've got my pool-cleaning business.
- We live in Ohio.
I had sex with you because you got me drunk on wine coolers and I felt fat that day.
But it was a mistake.
You're a Lima loser, and you're always gonna be a Lima loser.
How many weeks are you? From the looks of you, I'd say no more than five or six.
I assume you haven't told your parents yet.
I mean, how could you? After Daddy bought you this car so you could drive him to the Chastity Ball.
- You can't raise this baby, Quinn.
- I'm sorry, but who are you? I'm just somebody who wants to help.
I don't need your help.
Get the hell out of my car! Really? What kind of prenatal vitamins are you taking? Yeah.
Here.
Three times a day, or your baby will be ugly.
I don't understand.
What do you want from me? W-M-H-S! Anyone sitting here? - Um, no.
No, here.
- W-M-H-S! - Well, at least I know it's clean.
- Yeah.
Well, I think we, uh, really came together this week as a team.
Yeah, a gay team.
A big gay team of dancing gays.
Seriously, Finn, it was fun in practice and all but we can't do that out here in front of everybody.
It'll make us even more of a joke.
- Divert right, 87 on one.
Break! - Break! Yo, Q.
B! Your mama's so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs! - Give me some ketchup! - Down, set, hike! - Whoo! - Punch and Judy on one.
Break! Come on! Come on! Dad! Dad! I told you! I told you! Jordan versus Bird on one! Hut! Run! - Aw! - Cupid tips on one.
Break! Time-out! - Dude, we got to do it.
- We will be jokes for the rest of our high school lives.
We're already jokes.
I don't wanna be a Lima loser for the rest of my life.
Yo, left tackle, your mama's so fat her cereal bowl comes with its own lifeguard, like Baywatch! Hey, ankle grabber, I had sex with your mother.
No, seriously.
I cleaned your pool.
And then I had sex with her in your bed.
Nice Star Wars sheets.
Let's do it, captain.
Come on.
Huddle up.
Huddle up.
Okay, "Ring On It" on three.
Yeah.
All right? - Come on.
On three.
One, two, three, break! - Break! Hut one, two! Three! Let's hit it! - #A II the single ladies # - #A II the single ladies # - #A II the single ladies # - #A II the single ladies # - #A II the single ladies # - #Now put your hands up # #Up in the club Wejust broke up # #I'm doing my own little thing # #You decided to dip and now you wanna trip # #'Cause another brother noticed me # #I'm up on him He up on me # #Don't pay him any attention # #Just cried my tears for three good years # #Can't be mad at me # #'Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it # #If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it # #Don't be mad once you see that he want it # #'Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it # #Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh-oh # #Oh, oh, oh, oh # #If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it # #If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it # #Don't be mad once you see that he want it # #'Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it # #Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh-oh # #Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh ## Hike! You're up, kid.
You make this, and we win.
You make this, and you die a legend.
Can I pee first? He's so little.
Center, hike! Yes! Yes! Yes! That is my boy! Nighttime skin care is a big part of my postgame ritual.
I don't know what to say about that, but, uh I was really proud of you tonight, Kurt.
I wish your mom would've been there I mean, alive.
Thanks.
Dad? I have something that I wanna say.
I'm glad that you're proud of me.
But I don't wanna lie anymore.
Being a part of the Glee Club and football has really showed me that I can be anything.
And what I am is I'm gay.
- I know.
- Really? I've known since you were three.
All you wanted for your birthday was a pair of sensible heels.
I guess I'm not totally in love with the idea, but if that's who you are, there's nothing I can do about it.
And I love you just as much.
Okay? Thanks for telling me, Kurt.
You're sure, right? - Yeah, Dad.
I'm sure.
- Just checking.
Hey.
Here.
It's my gee-ge.
This is the baby blanket my dad got me the day I was born.
It was the only thing I had to remember him by.
I used to cry without it.
I took it everywhere with me, so it's a little dirty.
But I want our baby to have it.
I'm gonna do everything I can to be a good father.
Thank you, Finn.
Hey, guys.
How you doing? - Lately I've been getting really sick in the morning.
- Must be a virus.
Hey, you putting on a little weight? You should watch your carbs.
They're not gonna be able to hoist you to the top of that cheerleading pyramid much longer.
Hey, don't talk to my girlfriend like that.
You know what? You're right.
I was out of line.
See you guys around.
You know, there's a question I get asked a lot.
Whether I'm accepting an honorary doctorate or performing a citizen's arrest people ask me, "Sue, what's your secret?" Well, I'll tell you my secret, western Ohio.
Hey, guys, let's give a big Glee welcome to our three new members fresh off their big win on Friday night Noah Puckerman, Matt Rutherford and Mike Chang.
Regionals, here we come.
Sue Sylvester's not afraid to shake things up.
Let's start today with "Tonight" from West Side Story.
Tina.
Show us what you got.
You know, I'm tired ofhearing people complain "I'm riddled with this disease" or "I was in that tsunami.
" To them I say, shake it up a bit.
Get out of your box.
Even if that box happens to be where you're living.
I thought you had Glee practice, my little multitasking star.
I quit.
I'm yours exclusively.
I'll often yell at homeless people "Hey, how's that homelessness working out for you? Give not being homeless a try, huh?" - Maybe this time in B-flat.
- You know something, Ohio? It's not easy to break out of your comfort zone.
People will tear you down, tell you you shouldn't have bothered in the first place.
But let me tell you something.
There's not much of a difference between a stadium full of cheering fans and an angry crowd screaming abuse at you.
They're both just making a lot of noise.
How you take it is up to you.
Convince yourself they're cheering for you.
You do that, and someday, they will.
And that's how Sue sees it.