Glory Daze (2010) s01e04 Episode Script
Papa Don't Pre Game
[ '80s music plays .]
I never should have waited this long To tell my dad I joined a fraternity.
Yeah, man, what are you doing? Dad's day's next week.
I'm excited for my dad to come.
I get to show him the new me.
Yeah, believe me, I want him to be here.
But he just thinks fraternities are an immature waste of time.
How could anybody think that? Let's do it.
Aah! Aah! [ '80s music plays .]
[ cheering .]
Yeah! And that was not a waste of time.
Hey, I know what you're going through, Joel.
I totally froze When I tried to tell my dad I was joining Omega Sig.
What are you gonna do when he gets here and he finds out you're not Zeta Rho? Uh, I'll tell him I joined the young democrats society.
And, uh -- and then when he's recovering From his heart attack, I'll slip in that I'm an Omega Sig.
Nice.
It's a good plan.
Julie: Hey, Jason.
Hi, baby.
Who's your little lady friend here? Eli's friend.
Ready to study? Bye.
Eli: Bye! Bye, Julie.
Joel: All right, guys.
I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna call my dad.
Nice.
Yeah.
It's time to rip the band-aid off.
You did what?! I joined a fraternity.
O-o-o-o-kay.
That's the back.
It's the l5 again.
Hold on.
Get the heating pad, barbara.
Barbara! Dad, wait, listen.
It's not what you think, all right? Just let me explain.
Why don't you explain it to my bulging disk?! Pop, listen to me.
Come on, honey, today.
I want you to see for yourself.
A-and aspirin.
I need aspirin -- lots of aspirin! Okay, this weekend, the fraternity's having -- I want you to stop saying that word.
Stop saying it.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
The, uhHouse -- uh, the guys -- They're having a Dad's Day For the football game against Texas.
I'd really like you to be there.
I mean, there's this huge tailgate party.
[ groans .]
o-okay.
It's -- it's locked up.
B-barbara, it's locking again.
Clear the floor.
I'm going down.
I've got to call you back, Joel.
[ objects clattering .]
barbara! Is it too late to put the band-aid back on? Yeah.
"Glory Daze" - Season 1, episode 4 "Papa Don't Pregame" [ sighs .]
that was fun, wasn't it? Oh, yeah.
Watching you and Eli's inflatable lady friend On a giant slip 'n slide -- very sexy.
And to think what I would have missed out on Had I gone to Yale.
[ answering machine beeps .]
Lawrence: Jason, this is your father.
On your outgoing message, you say "uh" three times.
Anyway, I'm stuck in st.
Louis on business, So I won't be able to attend Dad's Day weekend.
Ha ha! Thank you, god! Thank you, business.
You know you're gonna have to tell him About the Omega Sigs eventually.
Not until I graduate.
What do you say you and me celebrate With, uh, an erotic game of overeager campaign worker And morally conflicted politician? Jason Come on.
I'll let you be the campaign worker this time.
Oh Oh.
Oopsy-daisy.
I feel a straw poll coming on.
Jason, please.
I have an english paper due in two weeks, And I still haven't finished highlighting My western civ notes.
Come on, Julie.
Relax.
Don't be so So what? SoNothing -- so nothing.
You were gonna say, "uptight.
" [ sighs .]
Why would I say that? Uh, what uptight person Highlights their notes in three different colors? Brian: Wow, assistant coach Franklin.
Your wife is a lovely cook.
Well, it is the one oven she can actually make work.
Her baby oven, on the other hand -- Not so good.
Joe-Joe, Doctor say you spend too much time in hot tub.
Also wear tighty-whitey.
His package -- too tight.
Enjoy.
It's true.
I shoot blanks.
[ groans .]
Okay, well, um, listen, if this is a bad time -- No, no, no.
Stay put.
Kim-ly don't do takeout.
Besides, I have a favor to ask, And it is the most personal favor That, um -- that a sterile man can ask another man.
Coach, I -- you, uh -- You know I'm a team player.
But stepping in to help impregnate your wife seems -- What?! Have you lost your mind?! Now, I invite you to dinner, and you talk about having sex With my -- my little porcelain doll? No, no, no, no, no.
Coach, I would never, ever, ever, ever, ever, Ever make love to kim-ly.
[ voice breaking .]
spicy beef.
He does not think I'm sexy! [ sobbing .]
I'm sorry.
Stop talking.
I'll talk.
You listen.
Is it true that your father's not coming for Dad's Day? Am I allowed to talk now? If you make it fast.
He's signing baseball cards At a convention in atlantic city.
Well, whenever one of our players is orphaned on Dad's Day, we step in.
So, uh, let me be your father.
Oh, coach, I don't really think that's necessary.
You hear the pain that is in this house? [ sobbing continues .]
yes, I do.
You know what you don't hear? The pitter-patter of little blasian feet.
My players are my kids, And my kid needs a father on Dad's Day.
Should we seal this with a hug? [ chuckles .]
if we have to.
Come on, cupcake.
Oh, yeah.
I'm a cupcake.
Oh, dad.
You are my dad.
Special night, special night.
All right.
It's Dad's Day.
Cheers, prost, gom bui -- the whole deal.
Mr.
Turley.
Hey.
Can I get you another double scotch rocks or what? What's going on? Keep it coming, son.
Keep it coming.
Dad, you sure you don't want to pace yourself this weekend? It's gonna be a long one.
Now, do I look like a man who's capable of moderation? Unh-unh.
Not this guy.
So, Reno, are we gonna finally get to see your dad this year? Oh, unfortunately, he can't make it.
Previous engagement.
Yeah, it's like pulling teeth for him to get -- Geez! Oh! How many times have I told you never to turn your back in a crowded room?! Colonel, I think you -- you got me.
You're damn right I got ya! Damon: Dad! Release! [ laughs .]
Colonel Smythe.
[ laughs .]
Welcome back to Dad's Day.
[ clears throat .]
You gonna be our grill master again? Affirmative.
I got this new barbecue rub you're gonna love.
It'll burn you as much going out as it does going in.
[ laughter .]
can't wait for that.
My dad.
[ laughs .]
let's get a beer, pop.
[ '80s music plays .]
you okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
Dad! Hey, Eli! Dad, oh! Uh-oh.
do-do-do-do-do-do [ laughs .]
how you doing? Good, good.
That's a new look.
Yeah.
I've been styling.
I've been styling.
Loving the single life.
I just got back from Cancun, club med.
Yeah? I never slept.
Gross.
[ laughing .]
yeah.
Is that a ponytail? Yeah.
Pretty bitchin', isn't it? Uh And And an earring.
[ laughs .]
that's right.
What do you think? It's a choice.
It is.
And I nailed it.
You nailed it.
I'm sorry you're in so much pain, dad.
Yeah, well, it's -- it's the back, Joel.
You know, it's my Achilles heel.
It's my only weakness -- That and the high hopes I had for you.
It's an excruciating combo.
Here.
Let me -- let me help you with that, dad.
I got it.
Want to help me? Why don't you quit the fraternity? Well, I really appreciate you coming, dad.
It really means a lot to me.
You can thank your mom for that.
Come on,oel.
You're here to work hard and make something of yourself, Not do the crazy things that they're doing in there.
[ chuckling .]
dad Dad, these are really good guys.
It is not what you think.
[ '80s music plays .]
[ cheering .]
Yeah, right.
Not what I think.
[ all talking .]
Hey, come on! Hey, nice to meet you.
Eli's dad.
Isn't this cool? We get to party with our sons.
Yeah.
But not exactly what I pictured for my son.
Okay.
This is how it works.
When the guy next to you downs his beer Right.
He has to flip his cup upside down.
When he finishes, it's your turn.
First team to work through the line wins.
Joel versus the Colonel! Here we go! [ cheering .]
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go! [ cheering .]
Okay.
Wow.
[ indistinct shouting .]
Drink it! It doesn't help if you're yelling at me! Drink the beer! Okay! Okay.
All right, all right.
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Oh.
Uh, I'm -- I'm sorry.
Forgive me.
I-I have such big hands.
They s-s-shouldn't even be near cups.
Colonel: Don't complain about those hands.
We had a soldier in our platoon, hands as big as yours, Till one day he used 'em to catch a grenade.
Now he pleasures himself with his elbows.
That's true.
He's my godfather.
Really? Probably not much of a hugger.
[ laughing .]
No.
You'd be surprised.
Okay.
What do you say we retire to the ritual room? I'm -- I'm -- I'm more of a wine person.
We'll get you some wine, Mr.
Harrington.
We'll call a sorority or something.
What's -- what's next? Gentlemen, this is one of our most time-honored Dad's Day traditions --f The passing of the Omega Sig helmet.
Colonel Smythe, if you'd be so kind to start us off? Sure thing, Reno.
I am Colonel Zechariah Smythe, 1st battalion, 105th infantry regiment, U.
S.
Army, retired.
I'm Damon's dad.
Damn proud of it.
Thanks, dad.
Now, as many of you can guess, I have worn a few helmets in my time.
[ laughter .]
But this one here, well -- Well, this one feels kind of special.
[ '80s music plays .]
Hey.
Uh, Eli's dad, Morty Feldman.
However, I would like all of you to call me "Mick.
" I recently returned from a trip to Cancun Where this incredibly hot scuba instructor Called me "Mick," And it fit like a european swimsuit.
Oh.
SoMick.
[ laughter .]
I'm Joe Franklin, Brian's dad.
Check it.
Brian brought me up from the bullpen to relieve his dad.
And I feel that I am as close to Brian As any man can be to the fruit of another man's loins.
Yeah.
Oh, boy.
Lordy.
[ cracking .]
Got it? Hello.
I'm, uh, Jerry Harrington.
I just recently found out that Joel joined a fraternity.
Actually, uh, I'm a little out of my element here, Uh, to be candid.
I, uh -- I don't do well in -- in -- in groups, uh, or clubs.
And, um, I don't know much about, uh, the Omegas, Though I, uh, uh, have an Omega watch.
[ laughs .]
So, uh, there you go.
[ '80s music plays .]
Thank you.
Phew! It's stuck.
It's like a prom dress, huh? Pop.
Let me help you out, pop.
Okay, well, don't turn -- turn it, son.
Sorry.
That's all right.
[ grunting .]
Put your back into it.
Maybe you should, like, spit on it.
Here.
Popping.
How about we actually dispense, guys, Of the actual passing of the helmet? It's stuck, pop.
Yeah.
It's fine.
You wear it so well, Mr.
Harrington.
Thank you.
Mr.
T.
Well [ clears throat .]
I am Stan turley, turbo's dad.
You guys sure you're gonna be comfortable in here? Oh, sure.
Sleeping bags are great.
I slept on a bar in Cancun.
Whoa.
[ laughs .]
well, I'm good.
Jerry needs the bed for his back.
Yeah.
Where's your dad gonna sleep? He's already asleep.
[ snoring .]
Good night, guys.
Have fun.
Oh, don't walk behind him.
[ snoring continues .]
Uh, okay, this is not the bathroom.
Sorry.
Greetings.
Are you, like, looking for your blue ox or whatever? Uh, n-no.
Excuse me.
Herniated disk, my friend? L5.
Am I right? Well, y-yes.
Yeah, l5.
How -- how did you know? You're looking at a fellow l5 sufferer.
I was bathing in the ganges or whatever.
It's the most healing-est, holiest place on earth.
I stepped on something squishy, and my back seized up.
And that was the day that irony and cruelty became one.
Little different for me.
I, uh, bent over to pick up some lawn trimmings, And, uh, well, it was like getting hit in the basket With a bag of doorknobs.
Brutal.
The only thing that works for me is my heating pad And, uh, this little gizmo right here.
It's, you know, the -- the adjustable -- with the velcro.
It -- it doesn't work.
You know, I have a special pain remedy That I like to use, like, five or nine times a day.
Okay.
Um, appreciate it, but I've -- I've tried everything.
Nothing -- nothing works for me.
Thank you.
It's magical, Especially in concerto with a humidifier.
Wait a minute.
You're -- you're saying that a humidifier helps the back? Most absolutely, As can this chair that I'm sitting in right n-- I was sitting in.
Please, have a seat, compadre.
It -- it's a lovely chair.
Thank you.
And I'm a little large.
I would hate to snap off a leg or -- You won't.
Mommy.
That is, uh -- wow! Yeah.
Welcome to chair-adise.
[ machine clicking .]
What's that? It's for my sleep apnea.
I didn't want to bother you guys with my snoring.
[ machine whirring .]
Yep.
It's working.
Now we're all gonna sleep like babies.
Is he staring at us? No.
I believe he's staring at you.
That's creepy.
Oh, I will kill everyone! [ snores .]
How are we gonna know when he's awake? I'm just gonna go to bed.
That way, if he kills me, it'll be in my sleep.
Take cover! Medic! I need a medic! It's magical.
Grab on to my tail.
[ sighs .]
[ laughing .]
Whoosh! Whoo! Oh, yes.
Oh, yes.
[ laughing .]
Wha! Where am I?! YouAnswered me! Ohh! I'm Gerald.
[ laughs .]
I do not remember these.
Whoosh! Let me show you where the monkey bit me.
Hello.
Daddy? [ shouting .]
[ gasps .]
Woman: Uh, yeah.
Hey, hey, buddy.
Good morning.
Hey, dad.
Whoa.
I've got those same pants.
Out of sight, right?! Huh.
Hey.
What's shaking and baking, Joel? Uh, someone's in a good mood.
Hanging with my brothers, flipping pancakes, And my dad's on an extended business trip.
It doesn't get any better than this.
How's things going with your dad? Uh, no idea.
He hasn't even made it downstairs yet.
Whoa! Coming through! Whoo! Joelie! Dad? [ laughs .]
[ speaks indistinctly .]
Hey, Marty.
How are you? Look at you.
God, you're huge! Dressed like a bumblebee.
Who dresses you? I do, dad.
Who is that cat? Who is that? This "cat" is my good friend Jason Wilson.
Nice to meet you.
Jason the flapjack man.
Right.
Hey! Hello, hello.
[ laughs .]
Well, the back, uh, seems to be feeling better.
The back is back, jack! It's back! You know why? Because I zonked out in one of your buddy's rooms.
Stan-- Stan-- You slept in Stankowski's room? Nothing happened.
But I slept -- I slept like a baby.
And now I'm starving.
Do me a favor.
I need you to get me a bowl of gravy and a table near the band.
[ laughing .]
I don't even know what that means.
I got to -- hi.
Whoo! What do we got?! Hey! What's up, Colonel? What has gotten into him? I've got fruit, and don't you know? [ laughs .]
your dad is high.
He's not high.
[ grunting .]
I like waffles, don't you know? oh, my god.
He's high.
[ laughs .]
Joel! Hey! Hey.
Where's your dad? I can't wait to meet him.
Hey.
I got a thousand pennies.
[ groans .]
hey.
Uh, it's weird.
He was just here.
But he had to go.
Oh, no.
I was really looking forward to meeting him.
Yeah.
Don't step on any cracks! [ laughing .]
pretty hard to do with a parquet floor.
[ laughs .]
guess what I got.
Sausage in my pocket! You better believe it.
This is -- this is my dad.
Hi, Mr.
Harrington.
It is so nice to meet you.
It is nice to meet you, too, pretty, blue-eyed lady! Whoo! [ laughs .]
If I didn't know, I'd say it was trout.
Attention, everybody.
Attention.
Heaven is missing an angel.
[ laughs .]
And I've got the bounty, baby! I got the bounty! You know what's fascinating? What? The pattern on your shirt.
It's as if -- it's as if you had wings.
Well, they're just shoulder -- Do you have wings?! [ voice breaking .]
I want to know if she has wings.
Dad, I don't think she wants to talk about her wings right now.
They're just shoulder pads.
They're shoulder pads.
Okay.
You got to go somewhere, right, I think? I do.
It is so nice to meet you, Mr.
Harrington.
Enchanté.
My pleasure.
Oh, he's bowing, he's bowing.
[ grunts .]
oh, lordy.
[ laughs .]
I haven't bowed like that since I ate at the hunan palace.
You'd make a bishop kick out a stained-glass window.
Okay.
She would, wouldn't she? Bye, Joel and Gerald.
See you later.
Bye-bye.
Okay.
[ laughs .]
Wow! You dig her? Tell me you dig her.
Yes, yes.
Dad, she has a boyfriend, okay? He's right over there.
What, jughead? Stop pointing! Jughead! No, listen to me.
Listen to me.
You don't have to worry about a thing If she ain't got that ring! du-bop-du-bop- bop-bop-ba-dow Whoo! Why don't you go take -- Back is back.
Back is back.
[ laughs .]
that's my dad.
Love you.
Oh, my god.
He's baked.
Yeah.
I got to go.
Good luck.
Wow.
Hello, son.
Short-order cook.
So proud.
Dad, uh, what a nice surprise.
Well, just imagine surprise When I showed up at the Zeta Rho house And I found, whoa, you weren't there.
Father, I can explain.
Omega Sig? Really? This is how you want to set your life up? Well, as usual, you've made a mess of things, And, fortunately, I got here in time.
So, tell me, you and Julie still together? Of course.
Good, good.
Something's still on track, then, huh? Omega Sig fathers and sons! Yeah! [ whistling .]
Today we embark on a journey of bonding And, well, I'm not gonna lie, a lot of boozing.
[ laughter and applause .]
All right, let's cut the pleasantries.
Let's get this tailgate started, okay? [ cheers and applause .]
Stankowski.
Stankowski.
Hey.
What? What did you -- what did you give my dad? He had, like, some back pain, So I just gave him some premium herbage.
[ sighs .]
this is a disaster, all right? He's never been high before.
Not that you know of.
No.
Um, you've got to have, like, an antidote or something.
Do you have something that can, like, bring him down? Yeah.
Of course I do.
Okay.
What? Time.
Time? No, you've got to have something better than that.
Relax.
There's no serious side effects, Except for elation, confusion, And the occasional flash of convoluted brilliance.
All right.
But do you have anything for, like, a son On the verge of a nervous breakdown? 'cause I'm freaking out.
Time.
Time.
Great.
Thank you.
[ marching band plays .]
Dads, pledges, actives, follow me.
Little slice of heaven awaits.
Yeah! [ laughs .]
everything okay, dad? Huh? Everything okay? Oh, couldn't be better, son.
Couldn't be better.
[ laughs .]
hey, Stan! Stankowski: Hey, Jerry! Got the chair, do you? Yeah, I got it.
[ laughing .]
he's excited, this guy.
Say the word -- say the word "tuba.
" you got to -- dad, listen to me.
Dad, there's something you should mnow.
Tu-ba.
Say it 40, 45 ways.
I want you to say the word "tuba.
" no, dad.
Come on.
Can I get a little "tuba" from you? Fine.
Say it.
Tuba.
No, it's not -- it's not funny when you say it.
[ '80s music plays .]
Julie?! Hey! You're Jason's girlfriend, right? Uh, right.
My boyfriend, Damon, is the president of Omega Sig.
Oh, yeah.
I'm Christie.
Sorry.
Yeah.
[ chuckles .]
how's it going? Good, although I'm a little concerned That it looks like you're headed for the library When everyone else is headed to the tailgate.
Ah.
Busted.
I just kind of want to get ahead on some of my studies.
Seriously? That's why you came to college? Pretty crazy, huh? Come on.
You don't have to be so -- Were you about to say, "uptight"? I was actually gonna say, "studious.
" Because, you know, I'm not uptight.
Everybody just keeps saying that to me, And it's not true.
I'm not.
I can hang.
Let's hang, then.
Come on.
O-oka-- I'm not uptight.
All right.
[ '80s music plays .]
So, how's it going with your dad? Is he on the Omega Sig wagon yet? Uh, I don't know He's definitely on some kind of wagon.
Oh, god.
This is gonna end very badly for my dad and that beer.
I got to go.
Now, you see, Jason, that's where you should be -- Among the civilized.
Dad, those guys aren't exactly the nicest group of people.
But they're our people.
Now, y-you see that fellow in the argyle sweater, Harold Jennings? Not a nice man, But he does serve on the board of three Fortune 500 companies.
Harold, you old dog! So, how am I doing as a dad? Well, you're -- you're doing fine.
I knew it.
I am father material, Except for my complete inability to produce offspring.
Hello, hello.
Looks like we're getting scoped.
Oh? Where? Little mother-daughter action.
You sure, dad? They're not even looking at us.
Trust me.
It's the old "look without looking" trick.
Would slick Mick ever do you wrong? I don't know.
I just met Mick yesterday.
[ chuckles .]
Can I get a little bit of that? Both: 1, 2, 3.
[ '80s music plays .]
Yes! [ laughs .]
Hit me again! You and me both! [ laughs .]
okay.
I have something important to say.
Say it, sister.
I thinkI'm drunk.
I think you're right.
[ both laugh .]
First time? No.
Second time.
The first time was when Jason got rejected by Yale And we found out we had to go to school here.
That's a romantic story.
I have to pee.
[ laughs .]
Oh, my god.
Look at the bathroom line.
That's so weird.
I never have that problem in the library.
You're so pretty.
[ both laughing .]
Well, well, well.
Good afternoon, ladies.
Well, well, well.
Howdy.
Are you enjoying the tailgate? Are we ever? Better now.
[ laughter .]
Uh, I am Mick.
I'm Eli.
Hi.
My name is Lynne.
How are you? Cathy.
And Cathy.
Nice to meet you.
Where y'all from? Uh, we are from New Jersey.
Oh.
New Jersey.
So, Mick, what do you do in New Jersey? Well, I'm a dentist, actually -- uh, cosmetic work, mainly, Although there's clearly nothing I could do To improve on that perfect smile of yours.
Oh, is that a line? Well, it is if you want it to be.
[ laughter .]
So, Eli, are you gonna follow In your daddy's dental footsteps? I was thinking about it.
I was also thinking about a little thing called the Supreme Court.
Ooh! Oh, my! Well, I hope you rule in my favor.
I do! I'll have to hold you in contempt! Guilty! You're out of order.
We're all out of order.
Ladies, uh, would you perhaps enjoy a small libation? Well, we love to read.
Find out we're bookworms.
Uh, we'll be right back.
Oh, they're just the tiniest little New Jersey elves.
Oh, I could just put him in my pocket.
So cute.
We're in.
Giddyap.
[ laughs .]
[ '80s music plays .]
You do know in the english language, The word "tailgate" actually means "fun"? Yeah.
It's my dad.
We're not really seeing eye to eye.
Mm, dads.
Sometimes they can let you down.
Is your dad here? It's complicated.
We don't see each other very often.
You're burger-less, my man.
Let's remedy that, huh? All right.
Colonel's doing some amazing things over here With the napalm burger.
Hey.
Hey, Colonel, you are one hell of a chef.
I think this deserves an Omega Sig cheer.
Oh, come on, dad, please? No cheer.
What?! I'm feeling something well up inside of me, son.
Sure it's not gas? I got to release! Hey, hey, ho, ho, every day we're good to go! Any beer we will swig! We are the brothers of Omega Sig! [ cheering .]
Hey, hey, ho, ho, Omega Sigs really blow! Say what? [ laughter .]
Hey, hey, ho, ho, somebody about to kick your ass! Ohhh! Ohhh.
[ laughs .]
Ben: That's right, fellas.
This is how the big boys tailgate -- 400 pounds of slow-roasted swine, First-class libations.
400 pounds of swine? Your girlfriend's here? [ laughter .]
Sweaters look real pretty, ladies.
Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Morty: Yee-haw! Out of the way, boys! We just hooked up with a couple of hot Texas mamas, And we're about to strike oil.
You really think they're into us? Listen.
Just leave it to slick Mick and Picate beer, son.
It's a lethal combination.
All right.
Here we go! [ laughs .]
Fabulous! And the Feldman boys are back.
[ chuckles .]
did you miss us? The question is, how much did you miss the kulp girls? Uh, about this much.
[ laughter .]
Well, I think we should toast our mutual longing With a nice, ice-cold Picate beer.
Oh, I'm not much of a beer drinker.
Oh, Lynne, you must try this beer.
It is very fine, very delicate.
All the ladies in Cancun loved it.
Oh, really? All the ladies? Well, uh, I was observing, uh, never partaking.
But it makes you feel good all over.
I'd rather not.
[ screaming .]
Oh, my god! Is this what all the ladies in Cancun look like?! I'm sorry, Lynne.
Don't look at me! I'm hideous! Picate? Ugh! I'm coming, mama! They're having girl time in there.
They'll -- they'll be out soon.
Lynne: How could someone so small be so evil?! I thought elves were sweet! They make toys! Don't look back.
Okay.
I've got exciting news for you, Jason.
It's all taken care of with the Zeta Rhos.
Starting next semester, they're going to admit you as a pledge.
No, dad.
I'm a pledge -- No, no, no need to thank me.
Thank god I was here in time to set everything right.
Thank god.
Jason, I'm counting on you to follow through on this thing.
Get yourself back on track.
Julie: Hold my skirt so I don't pee on it.
[ both laughing .]
Julie.
Jason.
Julie? Mr.
Wilson! Look, Christie.
It's the Pennsylvania Wilsons I was telling you about.
[ laughs .]
I've seen enough.
Jason, come on.
I love you.
[ both laugh .]
I peed on my feet.
[ laughs .]
yeah! Man, I need a bathroom.
I've been trained to hold my urine for up to 19 hours Unless, of course, I need it as a weapon solvent.
Man: You are so right, Bob.
I mean, when we were in school, the Omega Sigs -- They were pedestrian at best.
But this group of kids -- what a bunch of losers.
Is he talking about our boys? They can't do that.
Hey, asshats, you got something to say about our sons, Say it to our faces.
Ooh, look.
It's jarhead and his platoon of idiots.
Idiots? I don't think so.
That's okay.
Nobody cares what an idiot thinks.
Hey, I care what this idiot thinks.
Thanks, coach.
No problem.
These a-holes had it coming.
Oh, you want to mess with me? I did a tour in 'nam.
I did three, ass crack! I'm still there.
You hear the choppers? [ imitates helicopter blades whirring .]
Franklin: I hear them.
I hear them good.
[ speaking vietnamese .]
You know what? That sounds good.
I'll have what he's ordering.
I have killed for our flag! Now I will kill for sport! Okay.
All right.
Look, look, bring it down a notch, deer hunter, huh? Oh, it looks like the tree's afraid of being chopped down.
[ scoffs .]
really, really? Is that all you got? Want to take a run at these acorns? Let's crack some nuts.
[ indistinct shouting .]
Stand down, stand down! Don't give my dad a reason to flash back.
Geez! Come on, dad.
It's okay, dad! Let it go! Let it go, dad! Those snobs aren't worth it.
Don't feed into it.
Hey, they made fun of my cheer.
And they talked about you.
They did what?! I know what kind of car you drive! Oh, hell, no.
Men, we've got only two choices -- Stay here and do nothing like a bunch of nancy pants, Or we can gut them And warm our hands on their entrail.
Whoa, dad, no.
That's a bit far.
Look at me.
No gutting.
All right, everybody.
Listen up.
Listen to me, everybody.
Close it in.
What are you doing? Silence! Listen up.
Now, listen.
Listen, I -- gentlemen, I need to tell you something.
This doesn't go any further.
I had a vision.
Dad The blue goose flies high at midnight But the pig we will follow into dawn.
The pig? Dad.
Please tell me this is a flash of convoluted brilliance.
[ laughs .]
that's no flash.
This man is a beacon of sunlight! Harrington, like all great field generals, You walk that fine line between madness and genius.
Thank you, sir.
Boyo, I'd follow you through the gates of hell.
Well, then, let's open those gates, Colonel.
[ laughter .]
To hell! Hell! Dad, maybe we should slow it down with the ladies a bit, huh? Slow it down with the ladies? Is this my son talking? Where is my son? Has anyone seen my son?! Has anyone seen my dad? Is something wrong, buddy? I don't know.
I was really looking forward to this weekend.
You know, I wanted to show you my new life at college, But all you've done is talk about Mick And his new life.
Sounds like you're not so fond of Mick.
I just miss my dad.
I mean, look at me.
Eli, I'm 51 years old.
I'm wearing baggy pants, silk underwear.
I've got this ridiculous rat tail.
I'm a joke.
You're not a joke.
Wait.
Silk underwear? It looked good on the mannequin.
Been there.
You know, the truth is, I think I just got a little lost After your mom and I split up.
I really miss her.
I know you do, dad.
But the time has come.
I'm retiring Mick.
Oh, yeah? Uh-huh.
Pink shirt, rat tail -- the works.
Silk underwear? Baby steps, boy.
Fair enough.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go! Go, go, go, go, go! [ '80s music plays .]
Uh-oh.
Aah! Come on! The guys are gonna look for it at the house.
Let's implement plan "b.
" come on! Go! Go! Come on, dad! Come on! I guess we call them parachute pants for a reason.
Welcome back, dad.
[ laughs .]
I think we've seen enough idiocy for one day.
Come on, son.
I'll take you to the dorms.
Then I've got to go to the airport.
No.
Excuse me? I've made a decision, dad.
I'm staying with the Omega Sigs.
It's where I want to be.
You want to be with a bunch of immature, misguided degenerates And a drunken girlfriend? Leave Julie out of this.
And these "immature, misguided" people you talk about Are my best friends.
I wish just for once you could stop telling me what to do, See why this is even important to me, and support my decisions.
I can't support a mistake.
That's just not gonna happen.
Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
Can't say I'm surprised, but I am sorry.
Jason, wait.
There's one thing that I'm seeing.
I'm -- I'm seeing a kid who has the strength To stand up for what he believes in, Even if it's at the expense my beliefs.
Dad, we're not that far off.
I still believe in small government And the genius of William F.
Buckley.
And the reduced tax burden on the wealthy? With every fiber of my being.
You've got gumption, son.
You got that from me.
[ sighs .]
Dad, what I really want is your support.
Do I have it? No.
But I love you, son.
What? What? Did -- Tell mom hi.
All right.
Call me when you get settled in.
Absolutely.
Love you, too.
What? What? Bye.
[ knock on door .]
We know you're in there! Come on out now! We're not leaving till you give us back our pig! [ grunts .]
[ indistinct conversations .]
Not quite how we planned Dad's Day, huh? Nothing is as planned with this pledge class.
I missed the game, but, man, those Zeta Rhos can cook a pig.
Oh, best pig I've ever procured.
You gentlemen ready for this? I stole a pig today.
You know, dad, there's something you should know.
Um, remember when you slept in Stankowski's room? Oh, look, don't worry about that.
I'll -- I'll relive it in a flashback.
Listen I really get this.
I understand it -- the fraternity.
These guys are good people.
You know, they care about you, Joel.
I know.
They do.
But, pop, if it's gonna cause any problems Between you and me, I-I will not -- Look, it's not gonna cause problems Just as long as your grades don't drop And that you call your mother.
I will.
I promise.
And make sure that you don't tell her About any of these shenanigans that went on here.
No.
Okay? Especially this.
Sure thing, pop.
[ '80s music plays .]
Maybe next year, dad.
I never should have waited this long To tell my dad I joined a fraternity.
Yeah, man, what are you doing? Dad's day's next week.
I'm excited for my dad to come.
I get to show him the new me.
Yeah, believe me, I want him to be here.
But he just thinks fraternities are an immature waste of time.
How could anybody think that? Let's do it.
Aah! Aah! [ '80s music plays .]
[ cheering .]
Yeah! And that was not a waste of time.
Hey, I know what you're going through, Joel.
I totally froze When I tried to tell my dad I was joining Omega Sig.
What are you gonna do when he gets here and he finds out you're not Zeta Rho? Uh, I'll tell him I joined the young democrats society.
And, uh -- and then when he's recovering From his heart attack, I'll slip in that I'm an Omega Sig.
Nice.
It's a good plan.
Julie: Hey, Jason.
Hi, baby.
Who's your little lady friend here? Eli's friend.
Ready to study? Bye.
Eli: Bye! Bye, Julie.
Joel: All right, guys.
I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna call my dad.
Nice.
Yeah.
It's time to rip the band-aid off.
You did what?! I joined a fraternity.
O-o-o-o-kay.
That's the back.
It's the l5 again.
Hold on.
Get the heating pad, barbara.
Barbara! Dad, wait, listen.
It's not what you think, all right? Just let me explain.
Why don't you explain it to my bulging disk?! Pop, listen to me.
Come on, honey, today.
I want you to see for yourself.
A-and aspirin.
I need aspirin -- lots of aspirin! Okay, this weekend, the fraternity's having -- I want you to stop saying that word.
Stop saying it.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
The, uhHouse -- uh, the guys -- They're having a Dad's Day For the football game against Texas.
I'd really like you to be there.
I mean, there's this huge tailgate party.
[ groans .]
o-okay.
It's -- it's locked up.
B-barbara, it's locking again.
Clear the floor.
I'm going down.
I've got to call you back, Joel.
[ objects clattering .]
barbara! Is it too late to put the band-aid back on? Yeah.
"Glory Daze" - Season 1, episode 4 "Papa Don't Pregame" [ sighs .]
that was fun, wasn't it? Oh, yeah.
Watching you and Eli's inflatable lady friend On a giant slip 'n slide -- very sexy.
And to think what I would have missed out on Had I gone to Yale.
[ answering machine beeps .]
Lawrence: Jason, this is your father.
On your outgoing message, you say "uh" three times.
Anyway, I'm stuck in st.
Louis on business, So I won't be able to attend Dad's Day weekend.
Ha ha! Thank you, god! Thank you, business.
You know you're gonna have to tell him About the Omega Sigs eventually.
Not until I graduate.
What do you say you and me celebrate With, uh, an erotic game of overeager campaign worker And morally conflicted politician? Jason Come on.
I'll let you be the campaign worker this time.
Oh Oh.
Oopsy-daisy.
I feel a straw poll coming on.
Jason, please.
I have an english paper due in two weeks, And I still haven't finished highlighting My western civ notes.
Come on, Julie.
Relax.
Don't be so So what? SoNothing -- so nothing.
You were gonna say, "uptight.
" [ sighs .]
Why would I say that? Uh, what uptight person Highlights their notes in three different colors? Brian: Wow, assistant coach Franklin.
Your wife is a lovely cook.
Well, it is the one oven she can actually make work.
Her baby oven, on the other hand -- Not so good.
Joe-Joe, Doctor say you spend too much time in hot tub.
Also wear tighty-whitey.
His package -- too tight.
Enjoy.
It's true.
I shoot blanks.
[ groans .]
Okay, well, um, listen, if this is a bad time -- No, no, no.
Stay put.
Kim-ly don't do takeout.
Besides, I have a favor to ask, And it is the most personal favor That, um -- that a sterile man can ask another man.
Coach, I -- you, uh -- You know I'm a team player.
But stepping in to help impregnate your wife seems -- What?! Have you lost your mind?! Now, I invite you to dinner, and you talk about having sex With my -- my little porcelain doll? No, no, no, no, no.
Coach, I would never, ever, ever, ever, ever, Ever make love to kim-ly.
[ voice breaking .]
spicy beef.
He does not think I'm sexy! [ sobbing .]
I'm sorry.
Stop talking.
I'll talk.
You listen.
Is it true that your father's not coming for Dad's Day? Am I allowed to talk now? If you make it fast.
He's signing baseball cards At a convention in atlantic city.
Well, whenever one of our players is orphaned on Dad's Day, we step in.
So, uh, let me be your father.
Oh, coach, I don't really think that's necessary.
You hear the pain that is in this house? [ sobbing continues .]
yes, I do.
You know what you don't hear? The pitter-patter of little blasian feet.
My players are my kids, And my kid needs a father on Dad's Day.
Should we seal this with a hug? [ chuckles .]
if we have to.
Come on, cupcake.
Oh, yeah.
I'm a cupcake.
Oh, dad.
You are my dad.
Special night, special night.
All right.
It's Dad's Day.
Cheers, prost, gom bui -- the whole deal.
Mr.
Turley.
Hey.
Can I get you another double scotch rocks or what? What's going on? Keep it coming, son.
Keep it coming.
Dad, you sure you don't want to pace yourself this weekend? It's gonna be a long one.
Now, do I look like a man who's capable of moderation? Unh-unh.
Not this guy.
So, Reno, are we gonna finally get to see your dad this year? Oh, unfortunately, he can't make it.
Previous engagement.
Yeah, it's like pulling teeth for him to get -- Geez! Oh! How many times have I told you never to turn your back in a crowded room?! Colonel, I think you -- you got me.
You're damn right I got ya! Damon: Dad! Release! [ laughs .]
Colonel Smythe.
[ laughs .]
Welcome back to Dad's Day.
[ clears throat .]
You gonna be our grill master again? Affirmative.
I got this new barbecue rub you're gonna love.
It'll burn you as much going out as it does going in.
[ laughter .]
can't wait for that.
My dad.
[ laughs .]
let's get a beer, pop.
[ '80s music plays .]
you okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
Dad! Hey, Eli! Dad, oh! Uh-oh.
do-do-do-do-do-do [ laughs .]
how you doing? Good, good.
That's a new look.
Yeah.
I've been styling.
I've been styling.
Loving the single life.
I just got back from Cancun, club med.
Yeah? I never slept.
Gross.
[ laughing .]
yeah.
Is that a ponytail? Yeah.
Pretty bitchin', isn't it? Uh And And an earring.
[ laughs .]
that's right.
What do you think? It's a choice.
It is.
And I nailed it.
You nailed it.
I'm sorry you're in so much pain, dad.
Yeah, well, it's -- it's the back, Joel.
You know, it's my Achilles heel.
It's my only weakness -- That and the high hopes I had for you.
It's an excruciating combo.
Here.
Let me -- let me help you with that, dad.
I got it.
Want to help me? Why don't you quit the fraternity? Well, I really appreciate you coming, dad.
It really means a lot to me.
You can thank your mom for that.
Come on,oel.
You're here to work hard and make something of yourself, Not do the crazy things that they're doing in there.
[ chuckling .]
dad Dad, these are really good guys.
It is not what you think.
[ '80s music plays .]
[ cheering .]
Yeah, right.
Not what I think.
[ all talking .]
Hey, come on! Hey, nice to meet you.
Eli's dad.
Isn't this cool? We get to party with our sons.
Yeah.
But not exactly what I pictured for my son.
Okay.
This is how it works.
When the guy next to you downs his beer Right.
He has to flip his cup upside down.
When he finishes, it's your turn.
First team to work through the line wins.
Joel versus the Colonel! Here we go! [ cheering .]
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go! [ cheering .]
Okay.
Wow.
[ indistinct shouting .]
Drink it! It doesn't help if you're yelling at me! Drink the beer! Okay! Okay.
All right, all right.
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Oh.
Uh, I'm -- I'm sorry.
Forgive me.
I-I have such big hands.
They s-s-shouldn't even be near cups.
Colonel: Don't complain about those hands.
We had a soldier in our platoon, hands as big as yours, Till one day he used 'em to catch a grenade.
Now he pleasures himself with his elbows.
That's true.
He's my godfather.
Really? Probably not much of a hugger.
[ laughing .]
No.
You'd be surprised.
Okay.
What do you say we retire to the ritual room? I'm -- I'm -- I'm more of a wine person.
We'll get you some wine, Mr.
Harrington.
We'll call a sorority or something.
What's -- what's next? Gentlemen, this is one of our most time-honored Dad's Day traditions --f The passing of the Omega Sig helmet.
Colonel Smythe, if you'd be so kind to start us off? Sure thing, Reno.
I am Colonel Zechariah Smythe, 1st battalion, 105th infantry regiment, U.
S.
Army, retired.
I'm Damon's dad.
Damn proud of it.
Thanks, dad.
Now, as many of you can guess, I have worn a few helmets in my time.
[ laughter .]
But this one here, well -- Well, this one feels kind of special.
[ '80s music plays .]
Hey.
Uh, Eli's dad, Morty Feldman.
However, I would like all of you to call me "Mick.
" I recently returned from a trip to Cancun Where this incredibly hot scuba instructor Called me "Mick," And it fit like a european swimsuit.
Oh.
SoMick.
[ laughter .]
I'm Joe Franklin, Brian's dad.
Check it.
Brian brought me up from the bullpen to relieve his dad.
And I feel that I am as close to Brian As any man can be to the fruit of another man's loins.
Yeah.
Oh, boy.
Lordy.
[ cracking .]
Got it? Hello.
I'm, uh, Jerry Harrington.
I just recently found out that Joel joined a fraternity.
Actually, uh, I'm a little out of my element here, Uh, to be candid.
I, uh -- I don't do well in -- in -- in groups, uh, or clubs.
And, um, I don't know much about, uh, the Omegas, Though I, uh, uh, have an Omega watch.
[ laughs .]
So, uh, there you go.
[ '80s music plays .]
Thank you.
Phew! It's stuck.
It's like a prom dress, huh? Pop.
Let me help you out, pop.
Okay, well, don't turn -- turn it, son.
Sorry.
That's all right.
[ grunting .]
Put your back into it.
Maybe you should, like, spit on it.
Here.
Popping.
How about we actually dispense, guys, Of the actual passing of the helmet? It's stuck, pop.
Yeah.
It's fine.
You wear it so well, Mr.
Harrington.
Thank you.
Mr.
T.
Well [ clears throat .]
I am Stan turley, turbo's dad.
You guys sure you're gonna be comfortable in here? Oh, sure.
Sleeping bags are great.
I slept on a bar in Cancun.
Whoa.
[ laughs .]
well, I'm good.
Jerry needs the bed for his back.
Yeah.
Where's your dad gonna sleep? He's already asleep.
[ snoring .]
Good night, guys.
Have fun.
Oh, don't walk behind him.
[ snoring continues .]
Uh, okay, this is not the bathroom.
Sorry.
Greetings.
Are you, like, looking for your blue ox or whatever? Uh, n-no.
Excuse me.
Herniated disk, my friend? L5.
Am I right? Well, y-yes.
Yeah, l5.
How -- how did you know? You're looking at a fellow l5 sufferer.
I was bathing in the ganges or whatever.
It's the most healing-est, holiest place on earth.
I stepped on something squishy, and my back seized up.
And that was the day that irony and cruelty became one.
Little different for me.
I, uh, bent over to pick up some lawn trimmings, And, uh, well, it was like getting hit in the basket With a bag of doorknobs.
Brutal.
The only thing that works for me is my heating pad And, uh, this little gizmo right here.
It's, you know, the -- the adjustable -- with the velcro.
It -- it doesn't work.
You know, I have a special pain remedy That I like to use, like, five or nine times a day.
Okay.
Um, appreciate it, but I've -- I've tried everything.
Nothing -- nothing works for me.
Thank you.
It's magical, Especially in concerto with a humidifier.
Wait a minute.
You're -- you're saying that a humidifier helps the back? Most absolutely, As can this chair that I'm sitting in right n-- I was sitting in.
Please, have a seat, compadre.
It -- it's a lovely chair.
Thank you.
And I'm a little large.
I would hate to snap off a leg or -- You won't.
Mommy.
That is, uh -- wow! Yeah.
Welcome to chair-adise.
[ machine clicking .]
What's that? It's for my sleep apnea.
I didn't want to bother you guys with my snoring.
[ machine whirring .]
Yep.
It's working.
Now we're all gonna sleep like babies.
Is he staring at us? No.
I believe he's staring at you.
That's creepy.
Oh, I will kill everyone! [ snores .]
How are we gonna know when he's awake? I'm just gonna go to bed.
That way, if he kills me, it'll be in my sleep.
Take cover! Medic! I need a medic! It's magical.
Grab on to my tail.
[ sighs .]
[ laughing .]
Whoosh! Whoo! Oh, yes.
Oh, yes.
[ laughing .]
Wha! Where am I?! YouAnswered me! Ohh! I'm Gerald.
[ laughs .]
I do not remember these.
Whoosh! Let me show you where the monkey bit me.
Hello.
Daddy? [ shouting .]
[ gasps .]
Woman: Uh, yeah.
Hey, hey, buddy.
Good morning.
Hey, dad.
Whoa.
I've got those same pants.
Out of sight, right?! Huh.
Hey.
What's shaking and baking, Joel? Uh, someone's in a good mood.
Hanging with my brothers, flipping pancakes, And my dad's on an extended business trip.
It doesn't get any better than this.
How's things going with your dad? Uh, no idea.
He hasn't even made it downstairs yet.
Whoa! Coming through! Whoo! Joelie! Dad? [ laughs .]
[ speaks indistinctly .]
Hey, Marty.
How are you? Look at you.
God, you're huge! Dressed like a bumblebee.
Who dresses you? I do, dad.
Who is that cat? Who is that? This "cat" is my good friend Jason Wilson.
Nice to meet you.
Jason the flapjack man.
Right.
Hey! Hello, hello.
[ laughs .]
Well, the back, uh, seems to be feeling better.
The back is back, jack! It's back! You know why? Because I zonked out in one of your buddy's rooms.
Stan-- Stan-- You slept in Stankowski's room? Nothing happened.
But I slept -- I slept like a baby.
And now I'm starving.
Do me a favor.
I need you to get me a bowl of gravy and a table near the band.
[ laughing .]
I don't even know what that means.
I got to -- hi.
Whoo! What do we got?! Hey! What's up, Colonel? What has gotten into him? I've got fruit, and don't you know? [ laughs .]
your dad is high.
He's not high.
[ grunting .]
I like waffles, don't you know? oh, my god.
He's high.
[ laughs .]
Joel! Hey! Hey.
Where's your dad? I can't wait to meet him.
Hey.
I got a thousand pennies.
[ groans .]
hey.
Uh, it's weird.
He was just here.
But he had to go.
Oh, no.
I was really looking forward to meeting him.
Yeah.
Don't step on any cracks! [ laughing .]
pretty hard to do with a parquet floor.
[ laughs .]
guess what I got.
Sausage in my pocket! You better believe it.
This is -- this is my dad.
Hi, Mr.
Harrington.
It is so nice to meet you.
It is nice to meet you, too, pretty, blue-eyed lady! Whoo! [ laughs .]
If I didn't know, I'd say it was trout.
Attention, everybody.
Attention.
Heaven is missing an angel.
[ laughs .]
And I've got the bounty, baby! I got the bounty! You know what's fascinating? What? The pattern on your shirt.
It's as if -- it's as if you had wings.
Well, they're just shoulder -- Do you have wings?! [ voice breaking .]
I want to know if she has wings.
Dad, I don't think she wants to talk about her wings right now.
They're just shoulder pads.
They're shoulder pads.
Okay.
You got to go somewhere, right, I think? I do.
It is so nice to meet you, Mr.
Harrington.
Enchanté.
My pleasure.
Oh, he's bowing, he's bowing.
[ grunts .]
oh, lordy.
[ laughs .]
I haven't bowed like that since I ate at the hunan palace.
You'd make a bishop kick out a stained-glass window.
Okay.
She would, wouldn't she? Bye, Joel and Gerald.
See you later.
Bye-bye.
Okay.
[ laughs .]
Wow! You dig her? Tell me you dig her.
Yes, yes.
Dad, she has a boyfriend, okay? He's right over there.
What, jughead? Stop pointing! Jughead! No, listen to me.
Listen to me.
You don't have to worry about a thing If she ain't got that ring! du-bop-du-bop- bop-bop-ba-dow Whoo! Why don't you go take -- Back is back.
Back is back.
[ laughs .]
that's my dad.
Love you.
Oh, my god.
He's baked.
Yeah.
I got to go.
Good luck.
Wow.
Hello, son.
Short-order cook.
So proud.
Dad, uh, what a nice surprise.
Well, just imagine surprise When I showed up at the Zeta Rho house And I found, whoa, you weren't there.
Father, I can explain.
Omega Sig? Really? This is how you want to set your life up? Well, as usual, you've made a mess of things, And, fortunately, I got here in time.
So, tell me, you and Julie still together? Of course.
Good, good.
Something's still on track, then, huh? Omega Sig fathers and sons! Yeah! [ whistling .]
Today we embark on a journey of bonding And, well, I'm not gonna lie, a lot of boozing.
[ laughter and applause .]
All right, let's cut the pleasantries.
Let's get this tailgate started, okay? [ cheers and applause .]
Stankowski.
Stankowski.
Hey.
What? What did you -- what did you give my dad? He had, like, some back pain, So I just gave him some premium herbage.
[ sighs .]
this is a disaster, all right? He's never been high before.
Not that you know of.
No.
Um, you've got to have, like, an antidote or something.
Do you have something that can, like, bring him down? Yeah.
Of course I do.
Okay.
What? Time.
Time? No, you've got to have something better than that.
Relax.
There's no serious side effects, Except for elation, confusion, And the occasional flash of convoluted brilliance.
All right.
But do you have anything for, like, a son On the verge of a nervous breakdown? 'cause I'm freaking out.
Time.
Time.
Great.
Thank you.
[ marching band plays .]
Dads, pledges, actives, follow me.
Little slice of heaven awaits.
Yeah! [ laughs .]
everything okay, dad? Huh? Everything okay? Oh, couldn't be better, son.
Couldn't be better.
[ laughs .]
hey, Stan! Stankowski: Hey, Jerry! Got the chair, do you? Yeah, I got it.
[ laughing .]
he's excited, this guy.
Say the word -- say the word "tuba.
" you got to -- dad, listen to me.
Dad, there's something you should mnow.
Tu-ba.
Say it 40, 45 ways.
I want you to say the word "tuba.
" no, dad.
Come on.
Can I get a little "tuba" from you? Fine.
Say it.
Tuba.
No, it's not -- it's not funny when you say it.
[ '80s music plays .]
Julie?! Hey! You're Jason's girlfriend, right? Uh, right.
My boyfriend, Damon, is the president of Omega Sig.
Oh, yeah.
I'm Christie.
Sorry.
Yeah.
[ chuckles .]
how's it going? Good, although I'm a little concerned That it looks like you're headed for the library When everyone else is headed to the tailgate.
Ah.
Busted.
I just kind of want to get ahead on some of my studies.
Seriously? That's why you came to college? Pretty crazy, huh? Come on.
You don't have to be so -- Were you about to say, "uptight"? I was actually gonna say, "studious.
" Because, you know, I'm not uptight.
Everybody just keeps saying that to me, And it's not true.
I'm not.
I can hang.
Let's hang, then.
Come on.
O-oka-- I'm not uptight.
All right.
[ '80s music plays .]
So, how's it going with your dad? Is he on the Omega Sig wagon yet? Uh, I don't know He's definitely on some kind of wagon.
Oh, god.
This is gonna end very badly for my dad and that beer.
I got to go.
Now, you see, Jason, that's where you should be -- Among the civilized.
Dad, those guys aren't exactly the nicest group of people.
But they're our people.
Now, y-you see that fellow in the argyle sweater, Harold Jennings? Not a nice man, But he does serve on the board of three Fortune 500 companies.
Harold, you old dog! So, how am I doing as a dad? Well, you're -- you're doing fine.
I knew it.
I am father material, Except for my complete inability to produce offspring.
Hello, hello.
Looks like we're getting scoped.
Oh? Where? Little mother-daughter action.
You sure, dad? They're not even looking at us.
Trust me.
It's the old "look without looking" trick.
Would slick Mick ever do you wrong? I don't know.
I just met Mick yesterday.
[ chuckles .]
Can I get a little bit of that? Both: 1, 2, 3.
[ '80s music plays .]
Yes! [ laughs .]
Hit me again! You and me both! [ laughs .]
okay.
I have something important to say.
Say it, sister.
I thinkI'm drunk.
I think you're right.
[ both laugh .]
First time? No.
Second time.
The first time was when Jason got rejected by Yale And we found out we had to go to school here.
That's a romantic story.
I have to pee.
[ laughs .]
Oh, my god.
Look at the bathroom line.
That's so weird.
I never have that problem in the library.
You're so pretty.
[ both laughing .]
Well, well, well.
Good afternoon, ladies.
Well, well, well.
Howdy.
Are you enjoying the tailgate? Are we ever? Better now.
[ laughter .]
Uh, I am Mick.
I'm Eli.
Hi.
My name is Lynne.
How are you? Cathy.
And Cathy.
Nice to meet you.
Where y'all from? Uh, we are from New Jersey.
Oh.
New Jersey.
So, Mick, what do you do in New Jersey? Well, I'm a dentist, actually -- uh, cosmetic work, mainly, Although there's clearly nothing I could do To improve on that perfect smile of yours.
Oh, is that a line? Well, it is if you want it to be.
[ laughter .]
So, Eli, are you gonna follow In your daddy's dental footsteps? I was thinking about it.
I was also thinking about a little thing called the Supreme Court.
Ooh! Oh, my! Well, I hope you rule in my favor.
I do! I'll have to hold you in contempt! Guilty! You're out of order.
We're all out of order.
Ladies, uh, would you perhaps enjoy a small libation? Well, we love to read.
Find out we're bookworms.
Uh, we'll be right back.
Oh, they're just the tiniest little New Jersey elves.
Oh, I could just put him in my pocket.
So cute.
We're in.
Giddyap.
[ laughs .]
[ '80s music plays .]
You do know in the english language, The word "tailgate" actually means "fun"? Yeah.
It's my dad.
We're not really seeing eye to eye.
Mm, dads.
Sometimes they can let you down.
Is your dad here? It's complicated.
We don't see each other very often.
You're burger-less, my man.
Let's remedy that, huh? All right.
Colonel's doing some amazing things over here With the napalm burger.
Hey.
Hey, Colonel, you are one hell of a chef.
I think this deserves an Omega Sig cheer.
Oh, come on, dad, please? No cheer.
What?! I'm feeling something well up inside of me, son.
Sure it's not gas? I got to release! Hey, hey, ho, ho, every day we're good to go! Any beer we will swig! We are the brothers of Omega Sig! [ cheering .]
Hey, hey, ho, ho, Omega Sigs really blow! Say what? [ laughter .]
Hey, hey, ho, ho, somebody about to kick your ass! Ohhh! Ohhh.
[ laughs .]
Ben: That's right, fellas.
This is how the big boys tailgate -- 400 pounds of slow-roasted swine, First-class libations.
400 pounds of swine? Your girlfriend's here? [ laughter .]
Sweaters look real pretty, ladies.
Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Morty: Yee-haw! Out of the way, boys! We just hooked up with a couple of hot Texas mamas, And we're about to strike oil.
You really think they're into us? Listen.
Just leave it to slick Mick and Picate beer, son.
It's a lethal combination.
All right.
Here we go! [ laughs .]
Fabulous! And the Feldman boys are back.
[ chuckles .]
did you miss us? The question is, how much did you miss the kulp girls? Uh, about this much.
[ laughter .]
Well, I think we should toast our mutual longing With a nice, ice-cold Picate beer.
Oh, I'm not much of a beer drinker.
Oh, Lynne, you must try this beer.
It is very fine, very delicate.
All the ladies in Cancun loved it.
Oh, really? All the ladies? Well, uh, I was observing, uh, never partaking.
But it makes you feel good all over.
I'd rather not.
[ screaming .]
Oh, my god! Is this what all the ladies in Cancun look like?! I'm sorry, Lynne.
Don't look at me! I'm hideous! Picate? Ugh! I'm coming, mama! They're having girl time in there.
They'll -- they'll be out soon.
Lynne: How could someone so small be so evil?! I thought elves were sweet! They make toys! Don't look back.
Okay.
I've got exciting news for you, Jason.
It's all taken care of with the Zeta Rhos.
Starting next semester, they're going to admit you as a pledge.
No, dad.
I'm a pledge -- No, no, no need to thank me.
Thank god I was here in time to set everything right.
Thank god.
Jason, I'm counting on you to follow through on this thing.
Get yourself back on track.
Julie: Hold my skirt so I don't pee on it.
[ both laughing .]
Julie.
Jason.
Julie? Mr.
Wilson! Look, Christie.
It's the Pennsylvania Wilsons I was telling you about.
[ laughs .]
I've seen enough.
Jason, come on.
I love you.
[ both laugh .]
I peed on my feet.
[ laughs .]
yeah! Man, I need a bathroom.
I've been trained to hold my urine for up to 19 hours Unless, of course, I need it as a weapon solvent.
Man: You are so right, Bob.
I mean, when we were in school, the Omega Sigs -- They were pedestrian at best.
But this group of kids -- what a bunch of losers.
Is he talking about our boys? They can't do that.
Hey, asshats, you got something to say about our sons, Say it to our faces.
Ooh, look.
It's jarhead and his platoon of idiots.
Idiots? I don't think so.
That's okay.
Nobody cares what an idiot thinks.
Hey, I care what this idiot thinks.
Thanks, coach.
No problem.
These a-holes had it coming.
Oh, you want to mess with me? I did a tour in 'nam.
I did three, ass crack! I'm still there.
You hear the choppers? [ imitates helicopter blades whirring .]
Franklin: I hear them.
I hear them good.
[ speaking vietnamese .]
You know what? That sounds good.
I'll have what he's ordering.
I have killed for our flag! Now I will kill for sport! Okay.
All right.
Look, look, bring it down a notch, deer hunter, huh? Oh, it looks like the tree's afraid of being chopped down.
[ scoffs .]
really, really? Is that all you got? Want to take a run at these acorns? Let's crack some nuts.
[ indistinct shouting .]
Stand down, stand down! Don't give my dad a reason to flash back.
Geez! Come on, dad.
It's okay, dad! Let it go! Let it go, dad! Those snobs aren't worth it.
Don't feed into it.
Hey, they made fun of my cheer.
And they talked about you.
They did what?! I know what kind of car you drive! Oh, hell, no.
Men, we've got only two choices -- Stay here and do nothing like a bunch of nancy pants, Or we can gut them And warm our hands on their entrail.
Whoa, dad, no.
That's a bit far.
Look at me.
No gutting.
All right, everybody.
Listen up.
Listen to me, everybody.
Close it in.
What are you doing? Silence! Listen up.
Now, listen.
Listen, I -- gentlemen, I need to tell you something.
This doesn't go any further.
I had a vision.
Dad The blue goose flies high at midnight But the pig we will follow into dawn.
The pig? Dad.
Please tell me this is a flash of convoluted brilliance.
[ laughs .]
that's no flash.
This man is a beacon of sunlight! Harrington, like all great field generals, You walk that fine line between madness and genius.
Thank you, sir.
Boyo, I'd follow you through the gates of hell.
Well, then, let's open those gates, Colonel.
[ laughter .]
To hell! Hell! Dad, maybe we should slow it down with the ladies a bit, huh? Slow it down with the ladies? Is this my son talking? Where is my son? Has anyone seen my son?! Has anyone seen my dad? Is something wrong, buddy? I don't know.
I was really looking forward to this weekend.
You know, I wanted to show you my new life at college, But all you've done is talk about Mick And his new life.
Sounds like you're not so fond of Mick.
I just miss my dad.
I mean, look at me.
Eli, I'm 51 years old.
I'm wearing baggy pants, silk underwear.
I've got this ridiculous rat tail.
I'm a joke.
You're not a joke.
Wait.
Silk underwear? It looked good on the mannequin.
Been there.
You know, the truth is, I think I just got a little lost After your mom and I split up.
I really miss her.
I know you do, dad.
But the time has come.
I'm retiring Mick.
Oh, yeah? Uh-huh.
Pink shirt, rat tail -- the works.
Silk underwear? Baby steps, boy.
Fair enough.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go! Go, go, go, go, go! [ '80s music plays .]
Uh-oh.
Aah! Come on! The guys are gonna look for it at the house.
Let's implement plan "b.
" come on! Go! Go! Come on, dad! Come on! I guess we call them parachute pants for a reason.
Welcome back, dad.
[ laughs .]
I think we've seen enough idiocy for one day.
Come on, son.
I'll take you to the dorms.
Then I've got to go to the airport.
No.
Excuse me? I've made a decision, dad.
I'm staying with the Omega Sigs.
It's where I want to be.
You want to be with a bunch of immature, misguided degenerates And a drunken girlfriend? Leave Julie out of this.
And these "immature, misguided" people you talk about Are my best friends.
I wish just for once you could stop telling me what to do, See why this is even important to me, and support my decisions.
I can't support a mistake.
That's just not gonna happen.
Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
Can't say I'm surprised, but I am sorry.
Jason, wait.
There's one thing that I'm seeing.
I'm -- I'm seeing a kid who has the strength To stand up for what he believes in, Even if it's at the expense my beliefs.
Dad, we're not that far off.
I still believe in small government And the genius of William F.
Buckley.
And the reduced tax burden on the wealthy? With every fiber of my being.
You've got gumption, son.
You got that from me.
[ sighs .]
Dad, what I really want is your support.
Do I have it? No.
But I love you, son.
What? What? Did -- Tell mom hi.
All right.
Call me when you get settled in.
Absolutely.
Love you, too.
What? What? Bye.
[ knock on door .]
We know you're in there! Come on out now! We're not leaving till you give us back our pig! [ grunts .]
[ indistinct conversations .]
Not quite how we planned Dad's Day, huh? Nothing is as planned with this pledge class.
I missed the game, but, man, those Zeta Rhos can cook a pig.
Oh, best pig I've ever procured.
You gentlemen ready for this? I stole a pig today.
You know, dad, there's something you should know.
Um, remember when you slept in Stankowski's room? Oh, look, don't worry about that.
I'll -- I'll relive it in a flashback.
Listen I really get this.
I understand it -- the fraternity.
These guys are good people.
You know, they care about you, Joel.
I know.
They do.
But, pop, if it's gonna cause any problems Between you and me, I-I will not -- Look, it's not gonna cause problems Just as long as your grades don't drop And that you call your mother.
I will.
I promise.
And make sure that you don't tell her About any of these shenanigans that went on here.
No.
Okay? Especially this.
Sure thing, pop.
[ '80s music plays .]
Maybe next year, dad.