Golan the Insatiable (2013) s01e04 Episode Script
Deer Uncle Gerald
1 Squeeze harder.
Put some muscle into it.
You jerks ruined my sexy selfie! Good night, Golan.
- Don't forget to say your prayers.
- As you wish, master! Oh, mighty Golan, feared be thy name.
May your reign of terror rain down upon the innocent and stupid.
Also, may you eviscerate all believers, non-believers and the undecided, - especially Mackenzie B.
- And? Oh, and impregnate their livestock.
Amen.
Amen.
Now turn on the white-noise machine.
Ahh, so soothing.
1x04 - Deer Uncle Gerald Hello? Hello-oooo? Why don't I smell bacon?! Where the hell is everybody? - Nope.
- Wha what's going on? What!? Where are you people taking me!? Honey, do you remember great Uncle Gerald? No, but he sounds like a child molester.
Dylan! That was Uncle Leonard.
And it was all in Thailand, so it was legal.
The point is Uncle Gerald loved you very much, - but he's no longer with us.
- Where the hell is he? Use your context clues, stupid! He's dead! Your sister's right.
Uncle Gerald's in heaven now.
- We're on our way to the funeral.
- Awesome! My first funeral? Yes! I'm finally gonna see a dead body! Golan, did you hear that? Golan? Golan? Oh no, Golan fell off his throne again! No, sweetie.
We left Golan behind.
What?! Turn around! Turn around! - He has to come to the funeral! - Dylan, sit down! - What the hell, Dylan? Dylan, I know you're upset, but this is an opportunity for some quality family time.
Plus, there's some really neato roadside attractions along the way, like the world's largest box of wine.
Fun fact: I heard that the boxed stuff is just as good as the bottled stuff these days.
Ah! I wanna go there! Stop the car, pull over! Now whatever captured the Beeklers must clearly be larger than me, or else it wouldn't have dared.
- It probably has a cool fin on its back too.
- Okay, uh-huh.
- Got it.
- Yeah yeah, like that.
Bigger though.
- Oh, can you make him riding a motorcycle? - Yep.
- And probably wearing sunglasses.
- M'kay.
Maybe he likes soccer too, so add a little ball.
Oh, there we go.
Ooh! It's Alexis! Quick, start the trace! - Uh, what trace? - Alexis, thank god! If only one of the Beeklers survived I hoped it would be you.
And if not you, then I guess Carole, then Richard, - then the couch.
- Golan, it's me Dylan your underslave.
Oh, Dylan, hey.
You're alive.
Yay.
- How do you make bacon? - Listen, my parents are dragging me to Uncle Gerald's funeral.
A funeral? And you forgot me? Oh no, I've been "home-alone"-ed.
Well, I'm not gonna do the thing from the movie, Dylan.
Not a chance.
Okay, you convinced me.
Arghh.
There I did it.
I hope you're happy.
Aw, shoot! Here they come.
You know, I read that box wine is just as good - as the bottled stuff these days.
- Is that true? I dunno.
I just fish out the dead rats.
Shh.
Greg, you're such a bad boy.
- Coast is clear.
- Dylan, tell me where you're going - and I shall meet you there! - Right now we're at the world's largest Mom! Dad! Dylan took my phone again.
God! Ah, we lost her.
I hope to god you got all that.
- Uh no.
- You tiny bastard.
I shall kill you where you stand! Ahhh! - Ah, not the face! - Wait wait.
Why do you have a picture of Alexis on your phone? Did you kidnap her? No, I follow all the teenage girls in town on instagram, see? Wait, there's something in the background here.
Enlarge! Enhance! Magnify! Oh, yeah sure.
Just let me I'll zoom in there.
- Oh shoot, I hearted it.
- Dad! The Mayor's liking my selfies again.
Hmm, "the world's largest box of wine"? Oh, are you kidding me!? They know I want to go there! I miss all the fun stuff.
Dead body time! Yeah, where's the body? I wanna see the body! This must be little Dylan.
Oh, isn't she adorable? Roll aside, hag.
I've got a date with Uncle Gerald's carcass.
Uh, excuse me.
Where's the body? These are your Uncle Gerald's remains.
- He was cremated.
- What, they burned the body? - Jah.
- What did I even come here for? It is true.
Funerals are a lot more fun when there is a body.
But this is what Gerald wanted a boring funeral.
Ah-hhh! This funeral blows! Tell me where the Beeklers are, boxed sommelier! I don't know who you're talking about! The Beeklers! You know, Richard, Carole, their teenage daughter, the one with the voice of an angel.
Oh, I do know them.
I've been texting with Alexis all day.
- I'll just text her and ask her where they are.
- Okay, thanks.
Uncle Gerald was beloved by many, including his boring wife, his boring daughter Dylan, if you happen to see me making out with the boxed-wine guy later, don't tell Keith.
I don't care what you do.
God, Alexis, - you're nothing to me.
- Tomorrow morning, in accordance with Gerald's boring wishes, we shall spread his boring ashes all over his favorite boring bass fishing lake.
And all are invited to come oh my goodness! - Funeral funeral! - Golan, I knew you'd come! Crap, you started already? Back it up.
- Bloop bloop.
- What is that thing? Golan, tear her useless legs off! Oh, is she the widow? Dylan, fetch me some widow-stoning rocks.
Golan, what are you doing here? I'm here for the funeral, Richard.
No thanks to you.
Also I'm wasted.
I drank the world's largest box of crappy wine.
Golan, outside now! Okay, Richard, before you debase yourself with a heartfelt apology for forgetting me, this is Paul.
He drove me up here so you own him $370.
Golan, no, uh, we didn't forget you.
- We left you behind on purpose.
- Why would you do that? Because this is a family event and you are not family.
Whoa, wait a minute.
You don't think of me as family? No, I don't.
Family's supposed to be there for each other, to help each other.
Can you name one thing you've ever done for me? Uh, your wife.
No, I get your point, Richard.
It just hurts is all.
Now if you don't mind, I'd really like to get back in there with my family and try to say goodbye to my Uncle Gerald.
Dylan, it's me Golan the Insatiable.
- There you are! - Your dad doesn't think I'm family because I've never done anything nice for him.
So I need your help with my latest devious scheme even though you're definitely gonna screw it up.
Awesome! So what are we gonna do, - Bury my Dad alive? - No! We're gonna relocate great Uncle Gerald's spirit into a new vessel so that Richard can say his goodbyes.
- I didn't know you could do that! - Oh, yeah yeah, totally.
I just need to find a virgin animal to be our vessel.
As for your part, you must steal Uncle Gerald's ashes and meet me outside the motel at dawn! It shall be done! I outlived you, you son of a bitch.
Not by much.
Oh my god, my brakes! My brakes aren't working! Help! Help! - You got the stuff? - I swapped out the ashes with the coffee in this can.
Is that the vessel? This fuzzy little guy? No, this is world-famous chef Kawazaki.
He's trying to get me to invest in a chain of sushi-pizza restaurants, sounds like a terrible business model to me, but what do I know? I didn't go to chef-business school like chef Kawazaki.
Of course it's the vessel, you idiot.
Now feed it Uncle Gerald's ashes! Aren't you gonna say one of your spells or something? Eh, this is more of a magic bellow situation.
in the shower Carole, is that you? Have you tried this conditioner? It's citrus.
- What the - Hi, Richard.
This deer is great Uncle Gerald.
Now you can say your goodbyes.
So you're welcome.
- Are you insane?! - No, I'm family.
No! No no no! Get off me! Aw, would you listen to that? Dylan, I think we did a good thing here today Giving Richard a chance to say goodbye.
I wish I'd said goodbye to my father before I killed him, and ate all four of his hearts.
We're good people.
- Uh, Golan, um - Help! I need to come clean about something.
Those weren't Uncle Gerald's ashes in the coffee can.
It was coffee.
Oh my god, why? What?! Gerald's dying wish was to have his ashes spread over the lake.
I just couldn't bring myself to feed him to a virgin deer.
Yeah, I can see that.
I have a secret too.
That deer wasn't exactly a virgin anymore either.
I got bored waiting around.
Oh hi, gang! Is everyone ready to go to the lake? What's going on!? - Oh my god! - Oh, Richard, no need to thank me.
The look on your face lets me know just how family I am.
Booo-ring! Richard, I think it was very magnanimous of you to invite Golan into the boat.
Honestly, do I even have a choice? Nope, he's family now.
Right, Golan? Whatever.
I'm over it already.
No-no-no, no!
Put some muscle into it.
You jerks ruined my sexy selfie! Good night, Golan.
- Don't forget to say your prayers.
- As you wish, master! Oh, mighty Golan, feared be thy name.
May your reign of terror rain down upon the innocent and stupid.
Also, may you eviscerate all believers, non-believers and the undecided, - especially Mackenzie B.
- And? Oh, and impregnate their livestock.
Amen.
Amen.
Now turn on the white-noise machine.
Ahh, so soothing.
1x04 - Deer Uncle Gerald Hello? Hello-oooo? Why don't I smell bacon?! Where the hell is everybody? - Nope.
- Wha what's going on? What!? Where are you people taking me!? Honey, do you remember great Uncle Gerald? No, but he sounds like a child molester.
Dylan! That was Uncle Leonard.
And it was all in Thailand, so it was legal.
The point is Uncle Gerald loved you very much, - but he's no longer with us.
- Where the hell is he? Use your context clues, stupid! He's dead! Your sister's right.
Uncle Gerald's in heaven now.
- We're on our way to the funeral.
- Awesome! My first funeral? Yes! I'm finally gonna see a dead body! Golan, did you hear that? Golan? Golan? Oh no, Golan fell off his throne again! No, sweetie.
We left Golan behind.
What?! Turn around! Turn around! - He has to come to the funeral! - Dylan, sit down! - What the hell, Dylan? Dylan, I know you're upset, but this is an opportunity for some quality family time.
Plus, there's some really neato roadside attractions along the way, like the world's largest box of wine.
Fun fact: I heard that the boxed stuff is just as good as the bottled stuff these days.
Ah! I wanna go there! Stop the car, pull over! Now whatever captured the Beeklers must clearly be larger than me, or else it wouldn't have dared.
- It probably has a cool fin on its back too.
- Okay, uh-huh.
- Got it.
- Yeah yeah, like that.
Bigger though.
- Oh, can you make him riding a motorcycle? - Yep.
- And probably wearing sunglasses.
- M'kay.
Maybe he likes soccer too, so add a little ball.
Oh, there we go.
Ooh! It's Alexis! Quick, start the trace! - Uh, what trace? - Alexis, thank god! If only one of the Beeklers survived I hoped it would be you.
And if not you, then I guess Carole, then Richard, - then the couch.
- Golan, it's me Dylan your underslave.
Oh, Dylan, hey.
You're alive.
Yay.
- How do you make bacon? - Listen, my parents are dragging me to Uncle Gerald's funeral.
A funeral? And you forgot me? Oh no, I've been "home-alone"-ed.
Well, I'm not gonna do the thing from the movie, Dylan.
Not a chance.
Okay, you convinced me.
Arghh.
There I did it.
I hope you're happy.
Aw, shoot! Here they come.
You know, I read that box wine is just as good - as the bottled stuff these days.
- Is that true? I dunno.
I just fish out the dead rats.
Shh.
Greg, you're such a bad boy.
- Coast is clear.
- Dylan, tell me where you're going - and I shall meet you there! - Right now we're at the world's largest Mom! Dad! Dylan took my phone again.
God! Ah, we lost her.
I hope to god you got all that.
- Uh no.
- You tiny bastard.
I shall kill you where you stand! Ahhh! - Ah, not the face! - Wait wait.
Why do you have a picture of Alexis on your phone? Did you kidnap her? No, I follow all the teenage girls in town on instagram, see? Wait, there's something in the background here.
Enlarge! Enhance! Magnify! Oh, yeah sure.
Just let me I'll zoom in there.
- Oh shoot, I hearted it.
- Dad! The Mayor's liking my selfies again.
Hmm, "the world's largest box of wine"? Oh, are you kidding me!? They know I want to go there! I miss all the fun stuff.
Dead body time! Yeah, where's the body? I wanna see the body! This must be little Dylan.
Oh, isn't she adorable? Roll aside, hag.
I've got a date with Uncle Gerald's carcass.
Uh, excuse me.
Where's the body? These are your Uncle Gerald's remains.
- He was cremated.
- What, they burned the body? - Jah.
- What did I even come here for? It is true.
Funerals are a lot more fun when there is a body.
But this is what Gerald wanted a boring funeral.
Ah-hhh! This funeral blows! Tell me where the Beeklers are, boxed sommelier! I don't know who you're talking about! The Beeklers! You know, Richard, Carole, their teenage daughter, the one with the voice of an angel.
Oh, I do know them.
I've been texting with Alexis all day.
- I'll just text her and ask her where they are.
- Okay, thanks.
Uncle Gerald was beloved by many, including his boring wife, his boring daughter Dylan, if you happen to see me making out with the boxed-wine guy later, don't tell Keith.
I don't care what you do.
God, Alexis, - you're nothing to me.
- Tomorrow morning, in accordance with Gerald's boring wishes, we shall spread his boring ashes all over his favorite boring bass fishing lake.
And all are invited to come oh my goodness! - Funeral funeral! - Golan, I knew you'd come! Crap, you started already? Back it up.
- Bloop bloop.
- What is that thing? Golan, tear her useless legs off! Oh, is she the widow? Dylan, fetch me some widow-stoning rocks.
Golan, what are you doing here? I'm here for the funeral, Richard.
No thanks to you.
Also I'm wasted.
I drank the world's largest box of crappy wine.
Golan, outside now! Okay, Richard, before you debase yourself with a heartfelt apology for forgetting me, this is Paul.
He drove me up here so you own him $370.
Golan, no, uh, we didn't forget you.
- We left you behind on purpose.
- Why would you do that? Because this is a family event and you are not family.
Whoa, wait a minute.
You don't think of me as family? No, I don't.
Family's supposed to be there for each other, to help each other.
Can you name one thing you've ever done for me? Uh, your wife.
No, I get your point, Richard.
It just hurts is all.
Now if you don't mind, I'd really like to get back in there with my family and try to say goodbye to my Uncle Gerald.
Dylan, it's me Golan the Insatiable.
- There you are! - Your dad doesn't think I'm family because I've never done anything nice for him.
So I need your help with my latest devious scheme even though you're definitely gonna screw it up.
Awesome! So what are we gonna do, - Bury my Dad alive? - No! We're gonna relocate great Uncle Gerald's spirit into a new vessel so that Richard can say his goodbyes.
- I didn't know you could do that! - Oh, yeah yeah, totally.
I just need to find a virgin animal to be our vessel.
As for your part, you must steal Uncle Gerald's ashes and meet me outside the motel at dawn! It shall be done! I outlived you, you son of a bitch.
Not by much.
Oh my god, my brakes! My brakes aren't working! Help! Help! - You got the stuff? - I swapped out the ashes with the coffee in this can.
Is that the vessel? This fuzzy little guy? No, this is world-famous chef Kawazaki.
He's trying to get me to invest in a chain of sushi-pizza restaurants, sounds like a terrible business model to me, but what do I know? I didn't go to chef-business school like chef Kawazaki.
Of course it's the vessel, you idiot.
Now feed it Uncle Gerald's ashes! Aren't you gonna say one of your spells or something? Eh, this is more of a magic bellow situation.
in the shower Carole, is that you? Have you tried this conditioner? It's citrus.
- What the - Hi, Richard.
This deer is great Uncle Gerald.
Now you can say your goodbyes.
So you're welcome.
- Are you insane?! - No, I'm family.
No! No no no! Get off me! Aw, would you listen to that? Dylan, I think we did a good thing here today Giving Richard a chance to say goodbye.
I wish I'd said goodbye to my father before I killed him, and ate all four of his hearts.
We're good people.
- Uh, Golan, um - Help! I need to come clean about something.
Those weren't Uncle Gerald's ashes in the coffee can.
It was coffee.
Oh my god, why? What?! Gerald's dying wish was to have his ashes spread over the lake.
I just couldn't bring myself to feed him to a virgin deer.
Yeah, I can see that.
I have a secret too.
That deer wasn't exactly a virgin anymore either.
I got bored waiting around.
Oh hi, gang! Is everyone ready to go to the lake? What's going on!? - Oh my god! - Oh, Richard, no need to thank me.
The look on your face lets me know just how family I am.
Booo-ring! Richard, I think it was very magnanimous of you to invite Golan into the boat.
Honestly, do I even have a choice? Nope, he's family now.
Right, Golan? Whatever.
I'm over it already.
No-no-no, no!