Gold Digger (2019) s01e04 Episode Script
Her Husband
1 - He was my husband.
- And you were my best friend.
We need to speak to you, in private.
I'm really sorry.
They're exceptionally protective of their mother.
Why aren't you with someone your own age? I was with somebody else.
I even thought that I was going to marry her.
Della, this is Heidi, my associate.
[GULLS CRY.]
Will you marry me? [GULLS CRY.]
Forever.
It's a long time, even with the right person.
And with the wrong person it's a slow death.
Oh, God! This is this is not a no, is it? No.
So so, that's a a yes? You don't have to get me a ring.
Yes, I do.
Otherwise, how will everybody know that you belong to me? Oh, very droll.
- [THEY CHUCKLE.]
- I want to get you a ring.
And I want to buy it.
[THEY GIGGLE.]
Ooo, that is quite something.
[LOW CHATTER.]
Morning! Excuse the state of us.
- Just out for a run.
- Yeah, we can see.
How are you both during this never-ending festive season? - Actually, we're - In a rush.
We're in a rush.
Enjoy your, er exertions.
Huh! He's going to have to know eventually.
Truth is, I'd prefer it if it was just for us.
It seems illicit.
Isn't that just another word for wrong? [LOW CHATTER.]
Why do you want to marry me? Hm? Why marriage? Why not just us, as we are? Hm! I knew I should have bought that ring right there and then.
[HE SIGHS.]
Okay.
I want to marry you because I love you and I want to know I want to know that it's just me and you, it's us forever.
Satisfied? Sorry.
I never thought I'd get married again.
I never thought I'd ask again, seeing as last time, I'd barely got the question out before I'd been dumped.
Mm.
Yeah, I hate how she did that to you.
[HE SIGHS.]
I think the point is, we have to be allowed to hope that things can change, can get better.
Otherwise we're not moving forward, we're just stuck.
Stuck holding on to some shitty past.
So wise for one so young.
- Bugger off.
- [SHE CHUCKLES.]
Now, can I please be allowed to go back to sleep, or have you got any more wobbles you'd like to share with the group? Bugger off yourself.
[SHE CHUCKLES.]
[HE PANTS.]
She was my wife.
The person I chose.
The mother of my children.
The woman I wanted to be with.
That counts for something.
Allows me to be the one to save her from him.
- Hot.
Be careful.
- Yes.
[VEHICLE APPROACHES.]
They might surprise you with their reaction.
How was the drive? Dreamy, until we got off the M5 and Elsie completely lost her shit.
It's okay, though, she just wants the boob.
- Eimear, this is Benjamin.
- Oh! Guessed as much.
- How you doing? - Yeah, yeah, I Be gentle with my husband.
Office Christmas party last night.
Say no more.
Ignore her.
I'm suffering no ill effects.
Yeah, 'cos you're still tanked.
I've missed you.
How are you, Patrick? Good to see you.
And you, Benjamin, and you.
Cavalry have arrived.
Like the hair.
Very, um Borstal.
Ooo! Land of no signal.
Oh, yeah, there's a spot out by the field I found you can get three bars.
- Oh, there is, is there? - Granny! - And you, er give me a hand? - Granny! You look painfully thin, darling.
You always say that, however rotund I am.
Well, you've never been rotund in your life.
I saw 18 yellow cars, Granny! Oh, my goodness, that's so many yellow cars! Who's he? Hello, Charlotte, I'm Benjamin.
She takes a while to warm up.
With people she doesn't know.
No offence, Benjamin.
That's a very wise policy, Charlotte.
I've got to make a work call.
Er Er We, um er we have some news.
So I see.
Poor old Volvo.
Let's go and see the Christmas tree, everybody! It's Christmas! Christmas-time! Yay! There's so many presents! Leo says you've given my room away.
Yours is the only south-facing one, so, um Benjamin's in here, working all hours.
He's, er Well, a master's isn't the joke that it was in my day.
And before you ask who's paying for it, I am, but he's going to pay me back.
I wasn't going to ask.
Honestly, I didn't think you'd mind.
You're hardly ever here.
Time to put away childish things and all that.
Mum, I really don't mind.
It's fine.
All They're all in diff Yes, I'm so sorry.
And that is one for Charlotte, as well.
- Aw! Hm! - Oh, that's grim.
Hey, it's not my fault if you're not getting any, bro.
- Careful! Leo! - It's all good.
- Oh, what a hero! - Here you go.
Right, as reigning champion, I get to pick the first game.
- Thank you.
- Ladies? It's the one we all love.
[JULIA LAUGHS.]
- You all right to be banker? - Yeah.
Oh, but can we trust him not to dip his hand in the pot? Depends on the stakes.
Um it's a grand sum of £1 everybody puts in for each round.
There are ten different games in total and if, by the end of Boxing Day, we haven't all got furious with one another and given up Della-gate, 2009.
[LAUGHTER.]
One year, it was one year.
And, might I add, it was in response to you doing a shitload of cheating.
- Language! - Oh, we've kind of lost that battle already.
Anyway, we play we play some more, someone wins, usually Dad.
We're not making it sound like a lot of fun, but I promise you, it is.
Please play.
Word to the wise, Benjamin, it is a blood sport.
I prefer to just sit back and watch them tear each other to shreds.
Sounds like a plan.
Benjamin, make yourself useful.
Scorekeeper.
Lucky you! Is Patrick all right? Yeah, last time I checked.
How's he dealing with you going back to work? Well, he survived that body blow, what with living in the 21st century and all.
I just meant that today, he seems a bit, um And that has to be down to me, does it? We're good.
We're actually better than we've been for a while.
That's good, you deserve it.
- Both of you do.
- I think Patrick I think he's just adjusting to the fact that everything is different.
I mean, I'd heard plenty enough about your man there already, but Patrick missed out the part about him being a stone-cold fox.
Worth all the aggro, I hope.
[BIRDSONG.]
I'm not telling you to upset you, I'm telling you I'm telling you so that you don't find out from anybody else.
No, it's not gloating, Ali, it Well, it's called common decency.
Anyway, look, I've got I've got to go.
Yeah.
Take care yourself.
Bye.
- I couldn't find you.
- Sorry.
Sorry.
No, I'm sorry.
Sorry.
I That was that was Ali.
I called her.
I, um I wanted her to know.
It's it's good news and I just I wanted to share it.
I will tell them.
How's she take it? Not what I expected, actually.
She She was actually sort of gutted.
Funny how things turn out.
[LOW CHATTER.]
I can carve, Mum.
Which is code for "give yourself the biggest portion".
You're hardly going to go hungry.
Please, be my guest.
It'll be the most work you've done all year.
I don't know where you put it all.
If I ate as much as you did, I'd be as big as a house.
Hardly.
Come on, look at you.
I'll have you know, bar work is actually very taxing.
- Mum said they fired you.
- They didn't fire me.
There weren't enough shifts.
Oh! What with Christmas being such a quiet time and all? I think we need more red down here.
Benjamin, would you do the honours? Oh, yeah, of course.
It's very nice.
You guys brought it? Oh, yes! Yeah! Sorry.
I can top my own wife up, but thanks, you're a real gent.
We're getting married.
Benjamin proposed, and I said yes.
[LEO CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY.]
[THUD!.]
Sorry, are you two on Xanax? Because we're not behaving like children? It's called caring! Fuck me! What about Dad? What about him? You only got divorced five minutes ago.
I'd say your father gave up the right to have his feelings considered when he decided to sleep with my best friend.
[LEO SIGHS.]
So, when's the big day? Well, we, er we haven't talked about that yet, but hopefully Not for a long time, I'm sure.
Patrick? I'm sure you've got something to say about it.
Apparently not.
Patrick has decided now is the perfect time to stop telling everyone what to do.
Go easy, Leo, won't you? It's hardly bog-standard news.
You're getting married? Yes.
You're getting married to him? I'm still sitting here.
Patrick? [DOOR SLAMS SHUT.]
Patrick, please don't ignore me.
It'll be getting cold lamb.
[LEO APPLAUDS.]
Very good.
Man of the house.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Della? I'm fine for ham.
No, I I meant, what do you think? I think I think I don't understand why anyone gets married.
I have to say, it's not often I'm grateful for the fact I've got no family.
Well, no-one's got no family, unless you're in a Dickens' novel.
[HE CHUCKLES.]
That's not what I'm talking about.
Um I mean, I'm sure there are cousins and aunts and all that, but I'm talking about close family.
You know, the ones who can The ones who make you feel smaller.
Well it's a lot for them to take in.
You're right, you're right.
Of course, you're right.
No, I suppose no matter how car-crashy it was, at least we can console ourselves with the fact that the worst is over.
[HE EXHALES.]
[FOOTSTEPS.]
Er Julia's here to see you.
I hope you're not going to change our arrangements for tomorrow because, you know, it is customary for a father to see his children on all the major holidays.
I'm not changing any arrangement.
Good.
Good.
Because last year wasn't the same, not seeing them.
That was their choice, not mine.
If you say so.
What I came to tell you is Benjamin and I are getting married.
Well, it's obvious why he'd want to marry you.
Oh, yeah? Why's that? For your money.
[SHE LAUGHS.]
I forgot that I was utterly devoid of any other charms.
Why you'd say yes, that's the bit I can't fathom.
I don't want another row.
Who said anything about rowing? We're just having a conversation, a perfectly civil one.
Remind me, is it three or four months since the divorce came through? Well, let's see the ring, then.
Don't be shy, I'm sure it's quite the rock he's got you.
Three months' salary, that's what I spent on yours.
I know Benjamin is basically still in school, but for an occasion like this, I'm sure he pushed the boat out.
You really are such a child.
Says the woman marrying one.
I didn't come to ask for your blessing, I just came to tell you.
Which I've done, so I'm going to go now.
I'm trying to help you here, Julia, believe it or not.
I don't want you made a fool of.
What any more than you did? Ah! And there we have it, what this is really all about.
You getting revenge on me.
Oh, shut up! It would be easier and a lot cheaper if you'd just admit you're still in love with me.
Do you remember how happy we were? How happy we were that day? You with your ridiculous mullet and me with a waist this thin and a smile as wide as my face.
And it was just like it was like nobody else mattered.
It was just us.
I remember.
If I'd known then what was coming and who you really were, I would never have said yes.
Don't you think for one second that this is anything even to do with you.
Where shall I send the flowers to? On second thoughts, I'll hold off.
'Cos you and I both know you'll never go through with it! [HORN BLASTS REPEATEDLY.]
Mum! Mum, Mum! Stop [HORN DROWNS OUT DIALOGUE.]
- Mum! Fuck, Mum, I was asleep! - Is everything all right? I need you all to hear me.
What, and the neighbours, too? Give us space.
Go on back inside.
I found myself last night wanting to apologise.
As if I we've done something wrong.
We haven't.
We're in love, however difficult or absurd you might all find that.
And as a consequence, we're getting married.
It's really quite simple.
- Yeah, we get the memo.
- Do not interrupt me! I made out like it would be a long engagement because I didn't want any of you to feel any worse than you clearly already did.
But I am 60 years old.
And I may be your mother, but that is not all I am.
I refuse to waste any more of my life doing what is best for other people.
I want to get married soon.
And you know what? I want to do it here.
Your support would be lovely.
But in the absence of that I'd ask of you one thing.
Which, frankly, isn't very fucking much.
I'd ask that you please keep your mouths shut.
[SHE EXHALES.]
Mum? That was That was seriously cool.
- Really? - Yeah! Pure She-Ra! [JULIA LAUGHS.]
Er last night, I I should have just done what a normal person would do and say congratulations, given you a hug.
But I didn't.
'Cos 'cos I'm so supremely shit at commitment of any kind, I can't see past myself, so I am sorry.
And congratulations, Mum.
But can we skip the hug part? [LOW CHATTER.]
Hey, I want the blue one.
You can have the green one.
Okay.
There we go.
Yay! Um have you got any preferences as to colours? I quite like yellow.
I don't know any of the answers to the questions.
Well, you know, you can just Er you can just join our team.
Yeah, we need all the help we can get.
[CHATTER CONTINUES.]
[HE STRAINS.]
[HE STRAINS.]
[LAUGHTER.]
[HE STRAINS.]
Dare I ask? [HE GRUNTS.]
- She's marrying him.
- She's? [SHE CHUCKLES.]
Wow! I didn't think she had it in her.
And you're? I'm fine.
It's non-news.
[HE STRAINS.]
You were married for decades, it's natural to be upset.
I'm not upset, I'm really not.
The lady doth protest too much.
[HE PANTS.]
We made a deal.
No more worrying about them, about her.
It's you and me that matters.
That is a criminally-sweaty upper lip.
[THEY MOAN.]
[HE GRUNTS.]
[HE BREATHES DEEPLY.]
[INCOMING CALL.]
[INCOMING CALL.]
I have some seriously bat-shit news.
And don't shoot the messenger, but M-Mum's [LEO SIGHS.]
she's engaged.
- It's good to hear from you.
- Are you listening? Dad, Mum is getting remarried to that - Him.
- I know, she told me.
She she did? Thanks.
You always have my back, don't you? Obviously.
You're my dad.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
- Do you mind?! - I knocked.
- £50.
- And in return? You make yourself scarce tonight.
[BIRDSONG.]
This is very stalkery.
Oh, I forgot, romance is lost on you.
That's what I like for you to think.
Secretly, I fucking love it! [THEY CHUCKLE.]
Oh, these are beautiful! Thank you! Wow! Is Cali not joining us? Er I tried to persuade her, but she, er muttered something about plans with a friend.
Wow! A male friend? Well, let's hope so, for all our sakes.
Oh, thank you.
I rather enjoy having a chaste daughter, thank you very much.
Oh, wow! This is such a treat! [POP!.]
[SHE GIGGLES.]
Oh, I taught you well! Mm.
Cheers, darling.
I think you've given me gout or diabetes, I'm not sure which yet.
[THEY CHUCKLE.]
I'm not complaining.
Just this little, tiny bit.
Mm! [SHE LAUGHS.]
What are you doing? Marsha would you do me the honour of being my wife? Put it away.
Put the ring away, please.
What, don't you? Do you do you not like it? Well, er we can get another, whatever you want.
It's it's just it's my mother's.
I know it's your mother's.
Given that she can't stand me, it really makes it all the more perfect, doesn't it? Get off the floor, you look ridiculous.
I-I don't understand.
Really? You don't understand? I thought this would be a nice thing, that you'd be happy.
Why today? Why not all the other days? Because Because of her.
Julia.
It's Julia! This has nothing to do with Julia! [DOOR SLAMS SHUT.]
[HE GROANS.]
[HE SIGHS.]
[HE SIGHS.]
[FAINT MUSIC.]
[HE SIGHS.]
[HE SIGHS.]
[HE SIGHS.]
Ba-do-ba-do-ba-de Oh, life could be a dream [PHONE ALARM WAILS.]
[HE SIGHS.]
Oh! [HE INHALES.]
[HE GROANS.]
[HE SIGHS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[FOOTSTEPS.]
Where did you go? Oh, er I made you a coffee.
[WHISPERS.]
: No, thank you.
I would've got you flowers I don't want flowers.
I can, er I can see how it might have looked, and I It was a poor decision.
I Are we okay? I really need to know that we're okay.
It's Christmas, we have to be.
And after? [BABY GRIZZLES.]
What should we tell Dad about, you know, your nuptials? I wouldn't worry, Mum's already dropped that particular bomb.
Del, if you're getting in, get in.
Leo, sorry, mate, no room at the inn.
I was going to cycle, anyway.
[CAR DEPARTS.]
When did you tell him? Yesterday morning.
So, when you came back all guns blazing, saying that we'd get married next year, you'd come from his? - The two things aren't related.
- Oh? Because I am I am starting to wonder whether you actually want to marry me, or whether this is just some really fucked-up way of getting back at Ted.
I could ask you the same thing.
Rushing to tell Ali so that she could what, regret her mistake and come running back? I want this.
I'm just not entirely sure that you do.
[BIRDSONG.]
[LOW CHATTER AND LAUGHTER.]
You have work yet? Bibi, it's Christmas, you're not allowed to ask that.
She's allowed to ask anything she wants.
[THEY LAUGH.]
You have the same laugh as Dad.
Maybe it's his way of saying, "I'm still here".
And you, my girls, are still as foolish as ever.
[THEY GIGGLE.]
[HE SIGHS.]
Oh! [HE SOBS.]
Oh! [HE EXHALES.]
Yo-ho-ho! Who have we here? We're not kids any more.
Oh, you're a very dapper Santa! Charlotte will love it! She's asleep in the car.
I'd wake her, but she gets feral.
Yeah, Della was the same.
She probably still is.
Ah! Hey! Eleven minutes, six seconds.
Boom! Ah! I, er I didn't know you were a cook.
Hm-hm-hm! Please, I'm not.
This is your father's handiwork.
Oh, no, er thank you.
Um Mum made a big breakfast, the works.
[LOW CHATTER.]
How's uni, Cali? I-I graduated, in summer.
Sorry, I'm crap.
No, it's fine.
Thanks for asking.
It means a lot to him, you all coming.
It's for Charlotte's sake.
Right.
Well, um Hm! You're here now.
[IMITATES SANTA.]
: I don't think there are any more presents.
I think that's quite enough.
Shall I have a look in my sack? Ohhhhhhhh! I'm afraid that's it.
But one of my Elfish spies tells me that Grandpa and Granny Marsha have something.
Here Ooooooooo! Too many mince pies.
Ooo, what's this? Wow! Ooo! What's this? [THEY GIGGLE.]
Oh! What have you got? She already has a bike.
Not a pink one, Dad! Deliberately.
Thumbs up, or thumbs down? [THEY CHUCKLE.]
Aren't you a lucky girl! [ANIMATED CHATTER.]
[HE SIGHS.]
I do want this.
[BELL RINGS.]
- [BRAKES SCREECH.]
- Very good.
Grandpa! I hear I missed Santa.
He was funny.
Show Grandpa how good you are.
Well, we can both Watch me ride, Grandpa.
I didn't say a break, I said time-out.
They're very different things.
So, why are you calling me? I wanted to hear your voice.
Hear how you were.
Maybe even dispense some festive wishes.
Festive wishes? Please, Em, please don't.
I hate it when you get upset.
Ahem! - Em, I have to go.
I - [TELEPHONE PIPS.]
Who was that? Er no-one.
What are you doing hiding in here? I'm not.
I'm admiring your gymnasium.
I don't remember it being quite so pimp.
Hm! Yeah, we kitted it out, after we And you're welcome to use it whenever.
Don't go.
Please.
How are you? Work, life, love.
Yes to all of the above.
I'd really like if we Sorry, Dad, I need a wee.
Get the others after.
There's something I want to discuss with you all.
When they were dating, it was one thing, but marriage? What do we even know about this boy? What does anyone know about anyone? Philosopher's in the building.
We know he makes Mum happy.
And he's hardly a boy, the man's older than me.
You're right, Dad.
We know sweet FA about Benjamin.
Patrick, tell him about your digging.
There's nothing online, incriminating or otherwise.
The only red flag was an eviction notice, but now he's made himself comfortable in our house.
- Did you tell your mother? - Yes.
And like all things Benjamin-related, she quickly explained it away.
Well, obviously, you weren't firm enough.
I should take over.
Sorry, and this is to do with you how? Hard as you may find it to believe, I care about your mother and I want her to be okay.
Most importantly, I want you all to be okay.
Oh, you want us to be okay? That's what he said, isn't it? Have you thought what it actually means marriage? Besides having someone barely older than you as your stepfather, it means Benjamin gets half of everything.
Half of the house I worked my whole career to pay off.
Half of the savings, half of the lot.
And when he leaves your mother, which he will, he'll be leaving with your inheritance.
I don't care about the money.
Well, you will when it's gone and you're stuck forever renting in whatever shoebox you end up in.
What do you suggest we do? That's the part I'm not hearing.
I I haven't got that far.
I just wanted to sound you all out, check we're all in agreement.
Yep.
We are.
Della? Leave me out of it.
Why are you always so obstructive? Why are you always such a dick?! You don't think the train has kind of left the station? Oh, we're hardly talking about someone with an iron will here.
Don't talk that way about Mum! Bottom line, I just want you all, your mother included, to be protected against this man.
Our father, the great protector.
Mum will be waiting.
[FAINT MUSIC.]
Ba-do-ba-do-ba-de Oh, life could be a dream [HE SIGHS.]
If you don't like the way I talk then why am I on your mind? If you don't like the way I rock then finish your glass of wine We fight and we argue you'll still love Nice moves.
If we don't fuck this whole thing up Guaranteed I can blow your mind Mwah! And tonight I was just going to pick up my mum.
You can come, if you like.
I think she'd prefer if it was just you.
[HE SIGHS.]
[BLEEPING.]
Allow me to accept the things I cannot change the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
[HE SIGHS.]
[CLATTER!.]
[GLASS CLINKS.]
[CHURCH BELLS RING.]
Mum? Mum? Mum? Oh.
Make yourself useful! Where's your overnight bag? I'll load it into the car.
I'm not coming.
What do you mean? Last year was too awful.
Pretending everything was normal when it wasn't.
And that dreadful woman! Mother, you can't, she's my partner.
You can't speak about Marsha like that.
Mm-hm! So, you'd rather stay here instead? Spend Christmas Day alone? Lovely.
I won't be alone.
Julia's having me over.
You're going to Julia's for Christmas Day? That's what I said.
To my ex-wife? You're going to my ex-wife's? No fault of mine, that, is it? You didn't think to phone ahead, tell me not to bother coming to pick you up? We still have church and I'll need running over to Julia's after.
Told you her news, has she? - What news? - Oh, so she's not so attentive after all.
Julia's engaged to her to Benjamin.
That's right, Mother, a divorcee marrying again.
I'm sure there's something in the Scriptures about that.
All good wishes to them.
All good wishes? This is the woman I married! I'm not the one that forgot that.
I I've loved her over half my life! I haven't always liked her, or been understood by her, but she is She was my one.
Then you're even more of a fool than I thought.
[BIRDSONG.]
Ooo, hello! Come on, I'm going to get you! [LAUGHTER.]
[JULIA LAUGHS.]
Ah, you giggle-pops, come on.
And one, two - Two - Three BOTH: Whoo! Mum? Can I borrow you? Just hear me out.
Please, Mum.
Read it before you say anything.
Oh! Oh, God! Hm! For your sake, Patrick, I'm going to pretend that didn't just happen.
Prenuptial agreements are standard practice Did your father put you up to this? When you two are united, that is really saying something.
He didn't.
I want you to be protected.
If Benjamin's intentions are good, he won't object.
You cannot seriously believe that.
If I ask him to sign this, it means one thing.
It means I don't trust him.
And then it's over, which is what you want.
Look, Mum, this is not some attack on Benjamin! No-one goes into marriage thinking anything other than it'll last forever.
It's all love and plans and endless time, but people change.
This is about you.
What's going on? Nothing.
Everything's fine.
I really need you to do this.
If not for yourself, then for me.
Not fair, Patrick.
Hello, hello! Welcome! Come in, come in.
Ted.
I'll leave you to it, then, Mother.
Happy Christmas, I guess.
And you, son.
You're here! [THEY LAUGH.]
Come on in, come on.
Come in, have a drink.
Who do you think you are? This is my house! Not any more.
I want you to know it wasn't my idea.
To to have your mother.
I don't want you to think I'm cruel.
She prefers you.
And who can blame her? [MUTED.]
- Can I help you? - I'm looking for Benjamin.
I'm his brother.
You told me you were an only child.
If you can lie about that, you can lie about anything.
There's still time to stop this wedding, with a little helping hand.
We think you're marrying our mother for her money.
- Told you he was on my side.
- I'm not on a side.
How was you weren't picking your dad's side when you hid his affair from me? I want us to elope.
This is odd behaviour.
There's something that you're not saying.
- And you were my best friend.
We need to speak to you, in private.
I'm really sorry.
They're exceptionally protective of their mother.
Why aren't you with someone your own age? I was with somebody else.
I even thought that I was going to marry her.
Della, this is Heidi, my associate.
[GULLS CRY.]
Will you marry me? [GULLS CRY.]
Forever.
It's a long time, even with the right person.
And with the wrong person it's a slow death.
Oh, God! This is this is not a no, is it? No.
So so, that's a a yes? You don't have to get me a ring.
Yes, I do.
Otherwise, how will everybody know that you belong to me? Oh, very droll.
- [THEY CHUCKLE.]
- I want to get you a ring.
And I want to buy it.
[THEY GIGGLE.]
Ooo, that is quite something.
[LOW CHATTER.]
Morning! Excuse the state of us.
- Just out for a run.
- Yeah, we can see.
How are you both during this never-ending festive season? - Actually, we're - In a rush.
We're in a rush.
Enjoy your, er exertions.
Huh! He's going to have to know eventually.
Truth is, I'd prefer it if it was just for us.
It seems illicit.
Isn't that just another word for wrong? [LOW CHATTER.]
Why do you want to marry me? Hm? Why marriage? Why not just us, as we are? Hm! I knew I should have bought that ring right there and then.
[HE SIGHS.]
Okay.
I want to marry you because I love you and I want to know I want to know that it's just me and you, it's us forever.
Satisfied? Sorry.
I never thought I'd get married again.
I never thought I'd ask again, seeing as last time, I'd barely got the question out before I'd been dumped.
Mm.
Yeah, I hate how she did that to you.
[HE SIGHS.]
I think the point is, we have to be allowed to hope that things can change, can get better.
Otherwise we're not moving forward, we're just stuck.
Stuck holding on to some shitty past.
So wise for one so young.
- Bugger off.
- [SHE CHUCKLES.]
Now, can I please be allowed to go back to sleep, or have you got any more wobbles you'd like to share with the group? Bugger off yourself.
[SHE CHUCKLES.]
[HE PANTS.]
She was my wife.
The person I chose.
The mother of my children.
The woman I wanted to be with.
That counts for something.
Allows me to be the one to save her from him.
- Hot.
Be careful.
- Yes.
[VEHICLE APPROACHES.]
They might surprise you with their reaction.
How was the drive? Dreamy, until we got off the M5 and Elsie completely lost her shit.
It's okay, though, she just wants the boob.
- Eimear, this is Benjamin.
- Oh! Guessed as much.
- How you doing? - Yeah, yeah, I Be gentle with my husband.
Office Christmas party last night.
Say no more.
Ignore her.
I'm suffering no ill effects.
Yeah, 'cos you're still tanked.
I've missed you.
How are you, Patrick? Good to see you.
And you, Benjamin, and you.
Cavalry have arrived.
Like the hair.
Very, um Borstal.
Ooo! Land of no signal.
Oh, yeah, there's a spot out by the field I found you can get three bars.
- Oh, there is, is there? - Granny! - And you, er give me a hand? - Granny! You look painfully thin, darling.
You always say that, however rotund I am.
Well, you've never been rotund in your life.
I saw 18 yellow cars, Granny! Oh, my goodness, that's so many yellow cars! Who's he? Hello, Charlotte, I'm Benjamin.
She takes a while to warm up.
With people she doesn't know.
No offence, Benjamin.
That's a very wise policy, Charlotte.
I've got to make a work call.
Er Er We, um er we have some news.
So I see.
Poor old Volvo.
Let's go and see the Christmas tree, everybody! It's Christmas! Christmas-time! Yay! There's so many presents! Leo says you've given my room away.
Yours is the only south-facing one, so, um Benjamin's in here, working all hours.
He's, er Well, a master's isn't the joke that it was in my day.
And before you ask who's paying for it, I am, but he's going to pay me back.
I wasn't going to ask.
Honestly, I didn't think you'd mind.
You're hardly ever here.
Time to put away childish things and all that.
Mum, I really don't mind.
It's fine.
All They're all in diff Yes, I'm so sorry.
And that is one for Charlotte, as well.
- Aw! Hm! - Oh, that's grim.
Hey, it's not my fault if you're not getting any, bro.
- Careful! Leo! - It's all good.
- Oh, what a hero! - Here you go.
Right, as reigning champion, I get to pick the first game.
- Thank you.
- Ladies? It's the one we all love.
[JULIA LAUGHS.]
- You all right to be banker? - Yeah.
Oh, but can we trust him not to dip his hand in the pot? Depends on the stakes.
Um it's a grand sum of £1 everybody puts in for each round.
There are ten different games in total and if, by the end of Boxing Day, we haven't all got furious with one another and given up Della-gate, 2009.
[LAUGHTER.]
One year, it was one year.
And, might I add, it was in response to you doing a shitload of cheating.
- Language! - Oh, we've kind of lost that battle already.
Anyway, we play we play some more, someone wins, usually Dad.
We're not making it sound like a lot of fun, but I promise you, it is.
Please play.
Word to the wise, Benjamin, it is a blood sport.
I prefer to just sit back and watch them tear each other to shreds.
Sounds like a plan.
Benjamin, make yourself useful.
Scorekeeper.
Lucky you! Is Patrick all right? Yeah, last time I checked.
How's he dealing with you going back to work? Well, he survived that body blow, what with living in the 21st century and all.
I just meant that today, he seems a bit, um And that has to be down to me, does it? We're good.
We're actually better than we've been for a while.
That's good, you deserve it.
- Both of you do.
- I think Patrick I think he's just adjusting to the fact that everything is different.
I mean, I'd heard plenty enough about your man there already, but Patrick missed out the part about him being a stone-cold fox.
Worth all the aggro, I hope.
[BIRDSONG.]
I'm not telling you to upset you, I'm telling you I'm telling you so that you don't find out from anybody else.
No, it's not gloating, Ali, it Well, it's called common decency.
Anyway, look, I've got I've got to go.
Yeah.
Take care yourself.
Bye.
- I couldn't find you.
- Sorry.
Sorry.
No, I'm sorry.
Sorry.
I That was that was Ali.
I called her.
I, um I wanted her to know.
It's it's good news and I just I wanted to share it.
I will tell them.
How's she take it? Not what I expected, actually.
She She was actually sort of gutted.
Funny how things turn out.
[LOW CHATTER.]
I can carve, Mum.
Which is code for "give yourself the biggest portion".
You're hardly going to go hungry.
Please, be my guest.
It'll be the most work you've done all year.
I don't know where you put it all.
If I ate as much as you did, I'd be as big as a house.
Hardly.
Come on, look at you.
I'll have you know, bar work is actually very taxing.
- Mum said they fired you.
- They didn't fire me.
There weren't enough shifts.
Oh! What with Christmas being such a quiet time and all? I think we need more red down here.
Benjamin, would you do the honours? Oh, yeah, of course.
It's very nice.
You guys brought it? Oh, yes! Yeah! Sorry.
I can top my own wife up, but thanks, you're a real gent.
We're getting married.
Benjamin proposed, and I said yes.
[LEO CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY.]
[THUD!.]
Sorry, are you two on Xanax? Because we're not behaving like children? It's called caring! Fuck me! What about Dad? What about him? You only got divorced five minutes ago.
I'd say your father gave up the right to have his feelings considered when he decided to sleep with my best friend.
[LEO SIGHS.]
So, when's the big day? Well, we, er we haven't talked about that yet, but hopefully Not for a long time, I'm sure.
Patrick? I'm sure you've got something to say about it.
Apparently not.
Patrick has decided now is the perfect time to stop telling everyone what to do.
Go easy, Leo, won't you? It's hardly bog-standard news.
You're getting married? Yes.
You're getting married to him? I'm still sitting here.
Patrick? [DOOR SLAMS SHUT.]
Patrick, please don't ignore me.
It'll be getting cold lamb.
[LEO APPLAUDS.]
Very good.
Man of the house.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Della? I'm fine for ham.
No, I I meant, what do you think? I think I think I don't understand why anyone gets married.
I have to say, it's not often I'm grateful for the fact I've got no family.
Well, no-one's got no family, unless you're in a Dickens' novel.
[HE CHUCKLES.]
That's not what I'm talking about.
Um I mean, I'm sure there are cousins and aunts and all that, but I'm talking about close family.
You know, the ones who can The ones who make you feel smaller.
Well it's a lot for them to take in.
You're right, you're right.
Of course, you're right.
No, I suppose no matter how car-crashy it was, at least we can console ourselves with the fact that the worst is over.
[HE EXHALES.]
[FOOTSTEPS.]
Er Julia's here to see you.
I hope you're not going to change our arrangements for tomorrow because, you know, it is customary for a father to see his children on all the major holidays.
I'm not changing any arrangement.
Good.
Good.
Because last year wasn't the same, not seeing them.
That was their choice, not mine.
If you say so.
What I came to tell you is Benjamin and I are getting married.
Well, it's obvious why he'd want to marry you.
Oh, yeah? Why's that? For your money.
[SHE LAUGHS.]
I forgot that I was utterly devoid of any other charms.
Why you'd say yes, that's the bit I can't fathom.
I don't want another row.
Who said anything about rowing? We're just having a conversation, a perfectly civil one.
Remind me, is it three or four months since the divorce came through? Well, let's see the ring, then.
Don't be shy, I'm sure it's quite the rock he's got you.
Three months' salary, that's what I spent on yours.
I know Benjamin is basically still in school, but for an occasion like this, I'm sure he pushed the boat out.
You really are such a child.
Says the woman marrying one.
I didn't come to ask for your blessing, I just came to tell you.
Which I've done, so I'm going to go now.
I'm trying to help you here, Julia, believe it or not.
I don't want you made a fool of.
What any more than you did? Ah! And there we have it, what this is really all about.
You getting revenge on me.
Oh, shut up! It would be easier and a lot cheaper if you'd just admit you're still in love with me.
Do you remember how happy we were? How happy we were that day? You with your ridiculous mullet and me with a waist this thin and a smile as wide as my face.
And it was just like it was like nobody else mattered.
It was just us.
I remember.
If I'd known then what was coming and who you really were, I would never have said yes.
Don't you think for one second that this is anything even to do with you.
Where shall I send the flowers to? On second thoughts, I'll hold off.
'Cos you and I both know you'll never go through with it! [HORN BLASTS REPEATEDLY.]
Mum! Mum, Mum! Stop [HORN DROWNS OUT DIALOGUE.]
- Mum! Fuck, Mum, I was asleep! - Is everything all right? I need you all to hear me.
What, and the neighbours, too? Give us space.
Go on back inside.
I found myself last night wanting to apologise.
As if I we've done something wrong.
We haven't.
We're in love, however difficult or absurd you might all find that.
And as a consequence, we're getting married.
It's really quite simple.
- Yeah, we get the memo.
- Do not interrupt me! I made out like it would be a long engagement because I didn't want any of you to feel any worse than you clearly already did.
But I am 60 years old.
And I may be your mother, but that is not all I am.
I refuse to waste any more of my life doing what is best for other people.
I want to get married soon.
And you know what? I want to do it here.
Your support would be lovely.
But in the absence of that I'd ask of you one thing.
Which, frankly, isn't very fucking much.
I'd ask that you please keep your mouths shut.
[SHE EXHALES.]
Mum? That was That was seriously cool.
- Really? - Yeah! Pure She-Ra! [JULIA LAUGHS.]
Er last night, I I should have just done what a normal person would do and say congratulations, given you a hug.
But I didn't.
'Cos 'cos I'm so supremely shit at commitment of any kind, I can't see past myself, so I am sorry.
And congratulations, Mum.
But can we skip the hug part? [LOW CHATTER.]
Hey, I want the blue one.
You can have the green one.
Okay.
There we go.
Yay! Um have you got any preferences as to colours? I quite like yellow.
I don't know any of the answers to the questions.
Well, you know, you can just Er you can just join our team.
Yeah, we need all the help we can get.
[CHATTER CONTINUES.]
[HE STRAINS.]
[HE STRAINS.]
[LAUGHTER.]
[HE STRAINS.]
Dare I ask? [HE GRUNTS.]
- She's marrying him.
- She's? [SHE CHUCKLES.]
Wow! I didn't think she had it in her.
And you're? I'm fine.
It's non-news.
[HE STRAINS.]
You were married for decades, it's natural to be upset.
I'm not upset, I'm really not.
The lady doth protest too much.
[HE PANTS.]
We made a deal.
No more worrying about them, about her.
It's you and me that matters.
That is a criminally-sweaty upper lip.
[THEY MOAN.]
[HE GRUNTS.]
[HE BREATHES DEEPLY.]
[INCOMING CALL.]
[INCOMING CALL.]
I have some seriously bat-shit news.
And don't shoot the messenger, but M-Mum's [LEO SIGHS.]
she's engaged.
- It's good to hear from you.
- Are you listening? Dad, Mum is getting remarried to that - Him.
- I know, she told me.
She she did? Thanks.
You always have my back, don't you? Obviously.
You're my dad.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
- Do you mind?! - I knocked.
- £50.
- And in return? You make yourself scarce tonight.
[BIRDSONG.]
This is very stalkery.
Oh, I forgot, romance is lost on you.
That's what I like for you to think.
Secretly, I fucking love it! [THEY CHUCKLE.]
Oh, these are beautiful! Thank you! Wow! Is Cali not joining us? Er I tried to persuade her, but she, er muttered something about plans with a friend.
Wow! A male friend? Well, let's hope so, for all our sakes.
Oh, thank you.
I rather enjoy having a chaste daughter, thank you very much.
Oh, wow! This is such a treat! [POP!.]
[SHE GIGGLES.]
Oh, I taught you well! Mm.
Cheers, darling.
I think you've given me gout or diabetes, I'm not sure which yet.
[THEY CHUCKLE.]
I'm not complaining.
Just this little, tiny bit.
Mm! [SHE LAUGHS.]
What are you doing? Marsha would you do me the honour of being my wife? Put it away.
Put the ring away, please.
What, don't you? Do you do you not like it? Well, er we can get another, whatever you want.
It's it's just it's my mother's.
I know it's your mother's.
Given that she can't stand me, it really makes it all the more perfect, doesn't it? Get off the floor, you look ridiculous.
I-I don't understand.
Really? You don't understand? I thought this would be a nice thing, that you'd be happy.
Why today? Why not all the other days? Because Because of her.
Julia.
It's Julia! This has nothing to do with Julia! [DOOR SLAMS SHUT.]
[HE GROANS.]
[HE SIGHS.]
[HE SIGHS.]
[FAINT MUSIC.]
[HE SIGHS.]
[HE SIGHS.]
[HE SIGHS.]
Ba-do-ba-do-ba-de Oh, life could be a dream [PHONE ALARM WAILS.]
[HE SIGHS.]
Oh! [HE INHALES.]
[HE GROANS.]
[HE SIGHS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[FOOTSTEPS.]
Where did you go? Oh, er I made you a coffee.
[WHISPERS.]
: No, thank you.
I would've got you flowers I don't want flowers.
I can, er I can see how it might have looked, and I It was a poor decision.
I Are we okay? I really need to know that we're okay.
It's Christmas, we have to be.
And after? [BABY GRIZZLES.]
What should we tell Dad about, you know, your nuptials? I wouldn't worry, Mum's already dropped that particular bomb.
Del, if you're getting in, get in.
Leo, sorry, mate, no room at the inn.
I was going to cycle, anyway.
[CAR DEPARTS.]
When did you tell him? Yesterday morning.
So, when you came back all guns blazing, saying that we'd get married next year, you'd come from his? - The two things aren't related.
- Oh? Because I am I am starting to wonder whether you actually want to marry me, or whether this is just some really fucked-up way of getting back at Ted.
I could ask you the same thing.
Rushing to tell Ali so that she could what, regret her mistake and come running back? I want this.
I'm just not entirely sure that you do.
[BIRDSONG.]
[LOW CHATTER AND LAUGHTER.]
You have work yet? Bibi, it's Christmas, you're not allowed to ask that.
She's allowed to ask anything she wants.
[THEY LAUGH.]
You have the same laugh as Dad.
Maybe it's his way of saying, "I'm still here".
And you, my girls, are still as foolish as ever.
[THEY GIGGLE.]
[HE SIGHS.]
Oh! [HE SOBS.]
Oh! [HE EXHALES.]
Yo-ho-ho! Who have we here? We're not kids any more.
Oh, you're a very dapper Santa! Charlotte will love it! She's asleep in the car.
I'd wake her, but she gets feral.
Yeah, Della was the same.
She probably still is.
Ah! Hey! Eleven minutes, six seconds.
Boom! Ah! I, er I didn't know you were a cook.
Hm-hm-hm! Please, I'm not.
This is your father's handiwork.
Oh, no, er thank you.
Um Mum made a big breakfast, the works.
[LOW CHATTER.]
How's uni, Cali? I-I graduated, in summer.
Sorry, I'm crap.
No, it's fine.
Thanks for asking.
It means a lot to him, you all coming.
It's for Charlotte's sake.
Right.
Well, um Hm! You're here now.
[IMITATES SANTA.]
: I don't think there are any more presents.
I think that's quite enough.
Shall I have a look in my sack? Ohhhhhhhh! I'm afraid that's it.
But one of my Elfish spies tells me that Grandpa and Granny Marsha have something.
Here Ooooooooo! Too many mince pies.
Ooo, what's this? Wow! Ooo! What's this? [THEY GIGGLE.]
Oh! What have you got? She already has a bike.
Not a pink one, Dad! Deliberately.
Thumbs up, or thumbs down? [THEY CHUCKLE.]
Aren't you a lucky girl! [ANIMATED CHATTER.]
[HE SIGHS.]
I do want this.
[BELL RINGS.]
- [BRAKES SCREECH.]
- Very good.
Grandpa! I hear I missed Santa.
He was funny.
Show Grandpa how good you are.
Well, we can both Watch me ride, Grandpa.
I didn't say a break, I said time-out.
They're very different things.
So, why are you calling me? I wanted to hear your voice.
Hear how you were.
Maybe even dispense some festive wishes.
Festive wishes? Please, Em, please don't.
I hate it when you get upset.
Ahem! - Em, I have to go.
I - [TELEPHONE PIPS.]
Who was that? Er no-one.
What are you doing hiding in here? I'm not.
I'm admiring your gymnasium.
I don't remember it being quite so pimp.
Hm! Yeah, we kitted it out, after we And you're welcome to use it whenever.
Don't go.
Please.
How are you? Work, life, love.
Yes to all of the above.
I'd really like if we Sorry, Dad, I need a wee.
Get the others after.
There's something I want to discuss with you all.
When they were dating, it was one thing, but marriage? What do we even know about this boy? What does anyone know about anyone? Philosopher's in the building.
We know he makes Mum happy.
And he's hardly a boy, the man's older than me.
You're right, Dad.
We know sweet FA about Benjamin.
Patrick, tell him about your digging.
There's nothing online, incriminating or otherwise.
The only red flag was an eviction notice, but now he's made himself comfortable in our house.
- Did you tell your mother? - Yes.
And like all things Benjamin-related, she quickly explained it away.
Well, obviously, you weren't firm enough.
I should take over.
Sorry, and this is to do with you how? Hard as you may find it to believe, I care about your mother and I want her to be okay.
Most importantly, I want you all to be okay.
Oh, you want us to be okay? That's what he said, isn't it? Have you thought what it actually means marriage? Besides having someone barely older than you as your stepfather, it means Benjamin gets half of everything.
Half of the house I worked my whole career to pay off.
Half of the savings, half of the lot.
And when he leaves your mother, which he will, he'll be leaving with your inheritance.
I don't care about the money.
Well, you will when it's gone and you're stuck forever renting in whatever shoebox you end up in.
What do you suggest we do? That's the part I'm not hearing.
I I haven't got that far.
I just wanted to sound you all out, check we're all in agreement.
Yep.
We are.
Della? Leave me out of it.
Why are you always so obstructive? Why are you always such a dick?! You don't think the train has kind of left the station? Oh, we're hardly talking about someone with an iron will here.
Don't talk that way about Mum! Bottom line, I just want you all, your mother included, to be protected against this man.
Our father, the great protector.
Mum will be waiting.
[FAINT MUSIC.]
Ba-do-ba-do-ba-de Oh, life could be a dream [HE SIGHS.]
If you don't like the way I talk then why am I on your mind? If you don't like the way I rock then finish your glass of wine We fight and we argue you'll still love Nice moves.
If we don't fuck this whole thing up Guaranteed I can blow your mind Mwah! And tonight I was just going to pick up my mum.
You can come, if you like.
I think she'd prefer if it was just you.
[HE SIGHS.]
[BLEEPING.]
Allow me to accept the things I cannot change the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
[HE SIGHS.]
[CLATTER!.]
[GLASS CLINKS.]
[CHURCH BELLS RING.]
Mum? Mum? Mum? Oh.
Make yourself useful! Where's your overnight bag? I'll load it into the car.
I'm not coming.
What do you mean? Last year was too awful.
Pretending everything was normal when it wasn't.
And that dreadful woman! Mother, you can't, she's my partner.
You can't speak about Marsha like that.
Mm-hm! So, you'd rather stay here instead? Spend Christmas Day alone? Lovely.
I won't be alone.
Julia's having me over.
You're going to Julia's for Christmas Day? That's what I said.
To my ex-wife? You're going to my ex-wife's? No fault of mine, that, is it? You didn't think to phone ahead, tell me not to bother coming to pick you up? We still have church and I'll need running over to Julia's after.
Told you her news, has she? - What news? - Oh, so she's not so attentive after all.
Julia's engaged to her to Benjamin.
That's right, Mother, a divorcee marrying again.
I'm sure there's something in the Scriptures about that.
All good wishes to them.
All good wishes? This is the woman I married! I'm not the one that forgot that.
I I've loved her over half my life! I haven't always liked her, or been understood by her, but she is She was my one.
Then you're even more of a fool than I thought.
[BIRDSONG.]
Ooo, hello! Come on, I'm going to get you! [LAUGHTER.]
[JULIA LAUGHS.]
Ah, you giggle-pops, come on.
And one, two - Two - Three BOTH: Whoo! Mum? Can I borrow you? Just hear me out.
Please, Mum.
Read it before you say anything.
Oh! Oh, God! Hm! For your sake, Patrick, I'm going to pretend that didn't just happen.
Prenuptial agreements are standard practice Did your father put you up to this? When you two are united, that is really saying something.
He didn't.
I want you to be protected.
If Benjamin's intentions are good, he won't object.
You cannot seriously believe that.
If I ask him to sign this, it means one thing.
It means I don't trust him.
And then it's over, which is what you want.
Look, Mum, this is not some attack on Benjamin! No-one goes into marriage thinking anything other than it'll last forever.
It's all love and plans and endless time, but people change.
This is about you.
What's going on? Nothing.
Everything's fine.
I really need you to do this.
If not for yourself, then for me.
Not fair, Patrick.
Hello, hello! Welcome! Come in, come in.
Ted.
I'll leave you to it, then, Mother.
Happy Christmas, I guess.
And you, son.
You're here! [THEY LAUGH.]
Come on in, come on.
Come in, have a drink.
Who do you think you are? This is my house! Not any more.
I want you to know it wasn't my idea.
To to have your mother.
I don't want you to think I'm cruel.
She prefers you.
And who can blame her? [MUTED.]
- Can I help you? - I'm looking for Benjamin.
I'm his brother.
You told me you were an only child.
If you can lie about that, you can lie about anything.
There's still time to stop this wedding, with a little helping hand.
We think you're marrying our mother for her money.
- Told you he was on my side.
- I'm not on a side.
How was you weren't picking your dad's side when you hid his affair from me? I want us to elope.
This is odd behaviour.
There's something that you're not saying.