Good Omens (2019) s01e04 Episode Script

Captain's log, Pleasure Cruiser Morbillo.
We were sailing south-southwest on course for Havana when we realised something was amiss.
[MAN.]
What's that on the horizon? But that's impossible.
It appears a vast expanse of seabed has risen beneath us in the night.
Strange people in long robes and diving helmets have come aboard the ship and are mingling happily with the passengers, who think that we have organised this for their amusement.
The High Priest has just won the Quoits contest.
[VOICES, WHISPERING.]
Make it happen.
Make it real.
Make it happen.
Make it real.
Make it happen.
Make it real.
Make it happen.
Make it real.
Make it happen.
[VOICES CONTINUE, OVERLAPPING.]
Adam, I still don't understand the thing you were telling us about alien spaceships.
If I was an alien, I wouldn't be going around giving messages of universal peace and goodwill.
I'd say, "This is a laser blaster.
Prepare to die, rebel swine.
" I'd say that too, if I was an alien in a flying saucer.
- Or, "Exterminate.
" - [LAUGHS.]
Obviously, the aliens used to do that.
Now they give messages of global peace and cosmic harmony, and the government hushes it all up.
- Why? - It's what they do.
They hush up aliens and nuclear reactors, and the people from Tibet who have secret tunnels and are listening to everything we say.
Adam, I don't think this stuff is, you know real.
[GROWLS.]
Things on the Internet can be made up.
This is magazines.
Of course it's real.
Just like the City of Atlantis.
Actually, I don't think Atlantis is a thing.
It's under the sea.
And people live there.
How can they breathe? I bet they wear diving helmets.
- [ADAM.]
That's right.
- Do you believe that's true? Of course it's true.
What I say is true.
That's not the only news we're hearing from the ocean.
Some initial reports claim that the land that's risen in the Atlantic is the sunken continent of Atlantis.
This photograph of so-called Atlanteans has been posted by passengers on a holiday cruise ship.
Strange times indeed.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYS.]
Hmm.
- It's me.
- I know it's you, Aziraphale.
Yes.
Right.
Look, we need to get word upstairs to the to the to the Big Boss.
There there's been prophecies.
What's in human prophecies that matters to us? Well, er, the Kraken wakes and rises from the sea floor.
So does Atlantis.
And the rain forests return.
And that's just for starters.
Armageddon is coming, and I'm fairly certain it starts today.
Just after teatime.
Exactly.
Right on schedule.
What's your point? Look, will you please stop, just for a minute? Please.
[PANTING.]
- Well? - I just I just thought there was something we could do.
There is.
We can fight.
And we can win.
But there doesn't have to be a war.
Of course there does.
Otherwise, how would we win it? Hmm? Now look, wrap up whatever you need to wrap up down here.
Report back to active service and [SIGHS.]
lose the gut.
Come on.
You're a lean, mean fighting machine.
[LAUGHS.]
What are you? I'm I'm soft.
- [GASPS.]
- Almost forgot.
According to our records, you were issued a flaming sword.
You didn't lose that? What, like I I'd just give it away or something? [GOD.]
Two items have been delivered.
Two Horsemen are preparing to ride.
The last two deliveries still need to be made.
Lesley.
Come back to bed.
[LESLEY.]
I can't, love.
I got deliveries to make.
On a Saturday morning? Well, at least it's local.
Two jobs and I'm done.
[MAUD.]
Lesley.
Who are these deliveries for? I don't know, love.
Someone important.
Head office said the job was booked about 6,000 years ago.
They were joking.
Well, the company's only 80 years old.
But I saw the paperwork.
Anyway ours is not to reason why.
Ours is to deliver packages.
I love you tiger.
I love you, Maud.
[KISS.]
[LAUGHS.]
I may be out of line here, but I've been following up on Aziraphale's comments during our last meeting.
I went back through the Earth observation files.
I'm sure there's a perfectly innocent explanation.
'Course.
Would you have any objection to me following this up using back channels? There are no back channels, Michael.
[MICHAEL.]
It's me.
It's our man Aziraphale.
Is there any possibility he's working for you? No? Well, then, you might want to investigate the activities of the demon Crowley.
Might be playing his own game.
Word to the wise.
No, I'm I'm telling you, you can't trust him.
Of course you can trust me.
I'm an angel.
[BLOWS.]
[DISTANT SHRILL RINGING.]
Crowley.
Crowley.
Crowley.
What have you been playing at? [CROWLEY.]
Where should I go? England's out.
America's out.
Atlantis? Didn't exist yesterday.
It exists today.
Still out.
The moon.
No atmosphere.
No nightlife.
Alpha Centauri.
That's always nice this time of year.
Beautiful nebula.
Look at that.
I helped build that one.
I only ever asked questions.
That's all it took to be a demon in the old days.
Great Plan? God, you listening? Show me a Great Plan.
Okay, I know you're testing them, you said you were going to be testing them.
You shouldn't test them to destruction.
Not to the end of the world.
[WHISTLING.]
[LORRY HORN BLARES.]
Shouldn't be allowed.
Bloody lorries.
No respect for other road users.
[GOD.]
In the old days, and it wasn't that long ago, really, there was an angler every dozen yards, children played here, courting couples came here to hold hands and to get all lovey-dovey in the Sussex sunset.
He did that with Maud before they were married.
They came here to spoon and, on one memorable occasion, fork.
Party by the name of Chalky, sir? Look at that river.
[LESLEY.]
Yes, sir.
It's the pollution.
Progress, you could call it.
It's just so damn beautiful.
[LESLEY.]
It's a funny old world, though, isn't it? And no mistake.
I mean, you go all over the world delivering, and then you wind up practically in your own backyard, so to speak.
I've been to Africa, and Des Moines.
That's in America, sir.
And now here I am.
And here's your parcel, sir.
You have to sign for it.
There you go.
Red sky in the morning, shepherd's warning.
Or is it sailor's warning? Everybody's warning.
[GOD.]
The third of the Four Horsemen took over when Pestilence retired.
Erm [GOD.]
They've had lots of interesting jobs in lots of interesting places.
Helped design the petrol engine, plastics and high-tech weed killers.
They've killed as many people as Famine or as War.
This is Pollution.
[SIGHS.]
[BIRDS TWEETING.]
[LORRY HORN BLARES.]
[GASPS.]
That one nearly had me.
[SIGHS.]
Oh.
[DEATH.]
I'm afraid so.
[INT'L EXPRESS MAN.]
I've got a message for you, sir.
It's not a package.
It's a message.
[DEATH.]
Deliver it, then.
It's just this.
"Come and see.
" Finally! What does it mean, sir? It's a call to action.
War and Famine.
Pollution and Death.
Today, we ride.
Now, don't think of it as dying.
Think of it as leaving early to avoid the rush.
Have you got any more of the New Aquarians? 'Cause we need to know everything.
You read the ones I gave you already? Yeah, sure.
Hold on.
Do you kids want some candy? It's chocolate.
- We don't take sweets from - Witches.
I do.
[MAN ON RADIO.]
And he's back on the line to James Knockey.
[SECOND MAN ON RADIO.]
So, could what happened at Turning Point Nuclear Power Station be terrorist activity? [THIRD MAN ON RADIO.]
Could be! All we need to do is find some terrorists capable of removing an entire nuclear reactor while it's still running without anyone noticing.
[SECOND MAN.]
How can it still be producing electricity if it hasn't got any reactors? [THIRD MAN.]
We don't know that.
We were hoping you clever buggers at the BBC would have an idea.
Attention! This is our country.
It's under our protection.
Wish I was going with you.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm too old now.
No more lying in the bracken, spying on their evil ways.
It's all up to you now, Witchfinder Private Pulsifer.
Find this Adam Young and keep an eye on him.
Shouldn't there be a few more of us if we're protecting the entire country from witches? Nobody said it would be easy, Private Pulsifer.
Here.
Put this on.
[CHUCKLES.]
Pendulum of Discovery.
Pendulum of Discovery.
Thumbscrews.
- Oh, I I don't think I'll - Thumbscrew! Thumbscrew.
Firelighters.
I'm not actually prepared to burn anyone.
- Firelighters! - Firelighters.
- Bell.
- Bell.
- Book.
- Book.
And candle.
Bell.
Book.
Candle.
What are they for? You might have to exorcise a demon.
How do I do that? Ring the bell.
Light the candle.
Read the book? There'll be no time for light reading when you're under demonic attack, laddie.
And finally pin.
Pin? Aye.
It's the bayonet in your army of light.
Right.
Well, off to Tadfield, then.
Off you go, Witchfinder Private Pulsifer.
And may the armies of glory march beside you.
[SHADWELL CHUCKLES.]
[GOD.]
The world was changing.
What Adam believed was true was beginning to happen in reality.
[MAN SPEAKING TIBETAN.]
I run a nice radio repair shop in Llasa.
I just stopped for tea and then I was here, dressed like this.
[SPEAKING TIBETAN.]
Tell me about it.
I was selling railway tickets in Shigatse Oh! Tea break's over.
[EERIE HUMMING.]
[UFO WHIRRING.]
[ENGINE SPUTTERS OFF.]
Morning, sir, madam or neuter.
This your planet, is it? Yes, I suppose so.
- Had it long, have we? - [PULSIFER.]
Not personally.
As a species, about half a million years, I think.
Been letting the old acid rain build up, haven't we, sir? Been letting ourselves go with the old hydrocarbons, perhaps? Sorry? Well, I'm sorry to have to tell you, sir, but your polar ice caps are significantly below regulation size for a planet of this category, sir.
We'll overlook it on this occasion.
The fact is, sir, we've been asked to bring you a message.
Oh? Me? Message runs, "We bring you a message of universal peace, cosmic harmony, and suchlike.
" Message ends.
Oh, that's very kind.
Have you any idea why we've been asked to bring you this message, sir? I suppose what with man's harnessing of the atom and, er Neither have we, sir.
Neither have we.
You what? [PULSIFER.]
I just got pulled over by aliens.
Did you count their nipples? - I didn't think - You're a witchfinder, not an alien finder.
[SIGHS.]
But I'll make a note of it.
I don't know if this is in your New Aquarian magazines, but I was thinking we ought to save the whales.
- Whales can sing, actually.
- [DOG BARKS.]
And they have very big brains.
And there's hardly any of them left.
If they're so clever, what are they doing in the sea all day? Just swimming and eating things and singing and Oh, my God, I want to be a whale.
Right.
We'll save the whales, then.
All of them.
[GOD.]
This is not a whaling ship.
This is a scientific research ship.
Currently what it is researching is the question, How many whales can it catch in a week? They see no whales on the radar, no tuna, nothing bigger than an anchovy.
And now, the sea bottom appears to be dropping.
[SPEAKING JAPANESE.]
It's impossible! It's as the captain said this is an instrument error.
Oh! the sea level is rising again.
It's 30 metres [GOD.]
Beneath the thunders of the upper deep, far, far beneath in the abyssal sea, the Kraken sleepeth.
And now it's waking up.
[ALARM BLARES.]
[WOMAN ON TV.]
Scientists have pronounced themselves baffled by the appearance of the enormous sea creature, which the Internet has begun to refer to as "the Kraken", - after the sea beast of legend.
- What? It appears to be targeting whaling ships, according to a spokesman for the Japanese government.
[GOD.]
And a million sushi dinners cry out for vengeance.
[MAN SOBBING INCOHERENTLY.]
I've been thinking about Crowley.
- Something's not right.
- Oh, look at this.
I meant to be getting ready to go to Megiddo to meet the boy.
I should be leaving now.
Instead, I'm standing here with a bucket, waiting for maintenance to come fix another bloody pipe.
So, Crowley.
What's Mr Slick done now? I'm not sure.
But I know it's nothing good.
Oh.
Well, that's alright, then.
He's not meant to do good.
Figure of speech.
Nothing bad, then.
Nothing bad? So he's not in trouble? He's definitely in trouble.
- Or he will be.
- We going in? Not yet.
We need proof.
But once we've got it, he's toast.
And that's gonna hurt.
What, being toasted? Oh, yeah.
Right.
Toast.
Back to Armageddon, then.
Look at that.
[ALERT BEEPS.]
[TYRES SCREECH.]
[DOG BARKING.]
[CROWS CAWING.]
[AGNES.]
"When robins blue chariot inverted be, three wheels in the sky, a man with bruises be upon your bed, aching his head for willow fine.
" [PANTING.]
[GROANS.]
He's hurt.
Come on, we should do something.
[BRIAN.]
We should get him away from the car.
It might blow up.
They do that on telly.
Dick Turpin won't blow up.
You're probably wondering why it's called Dick Turpin.
Well [SIGHS.]
[BIRD SQUAWKS.]
[DEMON.]
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse will ride over the plain to us, and then our forces I thought "the Forces of Darkness" was a bit long, so I'm calling us "Darkforce One.
" We rise up, pushing through the earth, while our opposition descend from above.
This is Armageddon.
This is where the world will end.
[DEMON.]
Well, that's the Greek name for it.
Technically, the fields of Megiddo.
Yeah.
Archaeological excavations over there, avocado fields that way.
They grow avocados here? Yes.
We have a joke.
We say "It's going to be one big avocado.
" [LAUGHS.]
I, er I don't like jokes.
I don't do jokes.
And when people do jokes in my presence, they rapidly find themselves swallowing their tongues.
No, I tell a lie.
It's mostly me that swallows their tongues.
[ROARING FLAME.]
So, what time do the boy and the Hell Hound get here? About 20 minutes.
The ambassador's here for a photo op with the ruins of the temple.
And when they arrive, our master's son will come into his own.
A photo op? What's what's what's a photo op? Is it Is it another joke? No, Your Disgrace.
It's Well, you know what a selfie is? I believe the demon Crowley invented them.
- [SIZZLING.]
- [DEMON SCREAMS.]
When all is ready, the boy and the dog and the Four Horsemen will converge here.
And the boy will give the word.
And Armageddon will begin.
One one big avocado.
[CHUCKLES.]
[LAUGHS.]
- [DOG BARKING.]
- [ADAM.]
Anathema, we found a man! - He was in a car accident.
- I know.
Come in.
Let's get him upstairs.
[SNORING.]
It's almost like you were expecting him.
[ANATHEMA.]
I was.
I was hoping he wouldn't come.
If he didn't turn up, maybe none of it was real.
But if he's here then the Beast is real.
- [PEPPER.]
You mean Dog.
- [ANATHEMA.]
No.
It's nothing.
Nothing you kids need to worry about, anyway.
Hey, do you guys want some sandwiches? [WENSLEYDALE.]
I have a very nutritious lunch waiting at home.
My mother likes me to come home with an appetite.
[VOICES WHISPERING.]
Make it happen.
Make it real.
Make it happen.
Make it real.
Make it happen.
Bye, Anathema.
- You coming, Adam? - I didn't say you could go.
See you after lunch.
- [BRIAN.]
Adam's different.
- [PEPPER.]
Don't be wet.
[WENSLEYDALE.]
Actually, that's why we like him.
He's not boring.
[BRIAN.]
Oh, you know what I mean.
- You must do.
- [PEPPER.]
He's Adam.
He comes up with all the best games and all the best ideas.
[BRIAN.]
Yeah, but something's changed.
He's not the same anymore.
Can I say something stupid without you thinking it's stupid? I was scared he wouldn't let us go just then.
[PEPPER.]
That's stupid.
[WENSLEYDALE.]
Actually, I felt that too.
Honey, I'm still not clear on what we're doing here.
This is life as a diplomat.
One moment you're in London, the next we're familially interfacing with Israeli archaeological sites on a historical fact-finding vacation.
But it doesn't make any sense.
You don't argue with the State Department, hon.
Is this because I said the President's wife looked like a floozy? Because I never said that.
[GUIDE CLEARS THROAT.]
And this is our local guide to the archaeological site of Megiddo.
Mister I'm Hastur La Vista.
I'm an archaeologist.
Which one of you is the ambassador? Thaddeus Dowling, at your service.
- My wife, Harriet.
- An honour.
Oh.
You must be Warlock.
You smell like poo.
[LAUGHS.]
Funny boy.
Always love a good joke, me.
I've heard a lot about you.
- Where's the dog? - [THADDEUS.]
So, Professor La Vista, I understood from our briefing that Tel Megiddo was part of Tiglath-Pileser's administrative centre.
The Assyrian kings fascinate me Will you shut up! Where's the dog? Why doesn't the boy have a dog? Hmm? Do you hear voices? What are they saying? What are they telling you? - The voices - Yes.
in my head all say What?! you smell like poo.
[GROANS.]
Crowley! [HASTUR MOANS.]
[CARTOONISH MUSIC PLAYING ONSCREEN.]
[CHARACTERS HUM PLAYFULLY.]
[HASTUR'S VOICE.]
What the heaven is going on, Crowley? What have you done? Hastur.
Hey.
Not following you.
How do you mean? [HASTUR'S VOICE.]
The boy The boy called Warlock.
We took him to the fields of Megiddo.
The dog is not with him.
The child knows nothing of the Great War.
He is not our master's son.
He said that I that I smelled of poo.
- Well, you can see his point.
- You're dead meat, Crowley.
You're bloody history.
[GROANS.]
You stay where you are.
We're coming to collect you.
[DOOR OPENS, THEN CLOSES.]
[ANATHEMA.]
You are Witchfinder Private Newton Pulsifer.
Apparently, all magistrates are enjoined to give you as much dry kindling as you need to burn any witches, hags or beldam you discover.
Er I'm not actually a real witchfinder.
There aren't really any witches.
I'm actually a computer engineer.
I just needed something to get me out of the house.
Hmm.
I'm Anathema Device.
I really am a witch.
You should read that.
It's about you.
It will save time.
I "When robins blue chariot inverted be, three wheels in the sky, a man with bruises be upon your bed, aching his head for willow fine.
" That's you, the car crash and the aspirin.
Have you ever heard of Agnes Nutter? I'm afraid not.
[ANATHEMA.]
A witch from 300 years ago.
I'm her descendant.
One of your ancestors burned her at the stake.
- Adultery Pulsifer.
- Or tried to.
Ancestors? Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery Pulsifer.
Hmm.
Your family obviously has a tendency to burn mine, so I I took your matches.
I'm not going to burn anyone.
I know.
Agnes would have told us if you were.
She wrote all these prophecies in a book published in 1655.
Did she know I was going to crash my car? Yes.
No.
[STAMMERS.]
Yes.
My family has been trying to figure out Agnes's Nice and Accurate Prophecies for 400 years now.
You could say we're professional descendants.
How many prophecies are there? Thousands.
It averages to about a prophecy a month.
Oh, more now, in fact, as we get closer to the end of the world.
When is that supposed to be? Er in around four hours and 15 minutes.
Oh, come on.
The world isn't really going to end today.
The end of the world starts here in Tadfield, this afternoon, according to Agnes.
- I just can't find it.
- "It"? The Antichrist.
The Great Beast.
I've been searching for it, but it's impossible to find.
"Where the Hogge's Back ends, the young beast will take the world, and Adam's line will end in fire and darkness.
" Hogge's back.
Adam Young.
[AZIRAPHALE.]
And his address is number four, Hogback Lane, Tadfield.
- What did you say? - Adam Young.
He lives at 4 Hogback Lane.
I was told to keep an eye on him.
How did you ? Oh, I didn't Shit.
Adam, that's that's crazy.
He's such a sweet kid.
Him and his friends were the ones that brought you in here, I mean, he's the sweetest kid in the village.
I mean, he can't be the Great Beast at the end of the world.
Come on.
[PEPPER.]
We don't want to go with you.
[WENSLEYDALE.]
Actually I really don't.
[BRIAN.]
I don't like this.
There's no point in going home.
It doesn't matter.
That's all done now.
But we don't actually want to go with you.
You do.
You know why you're all coming with me, Wensley? Because there's nowhere else to go.
What's the point? What's going to be left when we grow up? Everywhere you look, there's all this environment going on.
Everything's being killed or used up, and no one takes it seriously.
Everyone thinks that somehow it'll all just get better again.
Where's the sense in that? Adam, this is all wrong.
I'm not going with you.
- But you are.
- It isn't actually funny.
[PEPPER.]
Wensley's right.
It's a stupid game.
And you're being weird.
It's our job to make it start again.
- Right, Dog? - [WHINES.]
[TYRES SQUEAL.]
[CROWLEY.]
Angel! I'm sorry.
I apologise.
Whatever I said, I didn't mean it.
Work with me, I'm apologising here.
Yes? Good.
- Get in the car.
- What? No.
The forces of Hell have figured out it was my fault.
But we can run away together.
Alpha Centauri.
Lots of spare planets up there.
Nobody would even notice us.
Crowley, you're being ridiculous.
Look, I I I'm quite sure if I can just just reach the right people, then I can get all this sorted out.
There aren't any right people.
There's just God, moving in mysterious ways and not talking to any of us.
Well, yes, and that is why I'm going to have a word with the Almighty, and then the Almighty will fix it.
That won't happen.
You're so clever.
How can somebody as clever as you be so stupid? I forgive you.
Oh I'm going home, Angel.
I'm getting my stuff and I'm leaving.
And when I'm off in the stars, I won't even think about you.
[CAR DOOR CLOSES.]
[ENGINE REVS.]
I've been there.
You're better off without him.
- [DOORBELL BUZZES.]
- [HASTUR.]
Crowley! [THUNDER CRASHES.]
[HASTUR.]
Crowley! We only want a little word with you.
We know you're in there.
Crowley! In here, people.
[SCREAMS.]
[GASPING.]
[HASTUR SHRIEKING.]
- Hi.
- [CONTINUES SHRIEKING.]
That's that's that's holy water! I can't believe even a demon would would would Holy water! That's that's But he hadn't done nothing to you! Yet.
You You don't frighten me.
Do you know what this is? This is a plant mister, cheapest and most efficient on the market today.
It can squirt a fine spray of water into the air.
It's filled with holy water.
It can turn you into that.
You're bluffing.
Maybe I am.
Maybe I'm not.
Ask yourself: do you feel lucky? Yes.
Do you? - Ow! - Time to go, Crowley.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Hello? I know where the Anti [ON ANSWERING MACHINE.]
Hi, this is Anthony Crowley.
You know what to do.
Do it with style.
Don't move! There's something very important you need to know before you disgrace yourself.
[AZIRAPHALE.]
I know where the Anti Yeah, it's not a good time.
Got an old friend here.
But Well, you've definitely passed the test.
You're ready to start playing with the big boys.
What? You're mad.
The Lords of Hell had to make sure you were trustworthy before we gave you command of the legions of the damned in the war ahead.
And, Hastur, Duke of Hell, - you've come through with flying colours.
- Me? Now, I I wouldn't expect you to believe me, Duke Hastur.
But why don't we talk to the Dark Council? Let's see if they can convince you.
You're calling the Dark Council? Yes, I am.
And they say, "So long, sucker!" - [HISSING.]
- [LINE RINGING.]
[GOD.]
You're probably wondering where Crowley has gone.
Demons aren't bound by physics.
Over the years, a huge number of theological man-hours have been spent debating the question: "How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?" To answer it, we need information.
Firstly, angels don't dance.
It's one of the distinguishing characteristics that marks an angel.
So, none.
At least, nearly none.
Aziraphale had learned a dance called the "gavotte" in a discreet gentlemen's club in Portland Place in the late 1880s.
After a while, he had become fairly good at it, and was quite put out when, some decades later, the gavotte went out of style for good.
So providing the dance was a gavotte, the answer is a straightforward "one".
Then again, you might just as well ask how many demons can dance on the head of a pin.
They're of the same original stock, after all.
And at least demons dance.
Not what you'd call good dancing, though.
For demons or for angels, size and shape are simply options.
So, if you look from really close up, the only problem about dancing on the head of a pin is all those big gaps between electrons.
- That's where Crowley has gone.
- [SHRIEKING.]
That's where Hastur is following.
Right now, they are both travelling incredibly fast - through the telephone system.
- Whoa-oh! Whoo-hoo-hoo! [SHOUTING AND LAUGHING.]
[HASTUR.]
Crowley! You can't escape me! Wherever you come out, I'll come out too! Three, two, one.
You hear me? Crowley! - [PHONE RINGING.]
- Hi, this is An [HASTUR, ON MACHINE.]
Where are you, you little runt? I heard your voice.
You and your best friend Aziraphale, you're dead meat.
[GOD.]
Hastur, Duke of Hell, is now trapped on a tape inside Crowley's antique telephone answering machine.
[HASTUR.]
Where am I? Don't leave me here.
- [AZIRAPHALE.]
I know where the Antichrist is.
- Oh, no.
- I know where the Antichrist - Oh, no, you wouldn't.
You wouldn't dare, you you snake! [LAUGHS.]
[THUNDER CRASHES.]
[MICHAEL.]
Hello, Aziraphale.
Oh, Michael.
Uriel.
Sandalphon.
Hello, erm We've just been learning some rather disturbing things about you.
You've been a bit of a fallen angel, haven't you? Consorting with the enemy? Oh, I I I haven't been consorting.
Don't think your boyfriend in the dark glasses will get you special treatment in Hell.
He's in trouble too.
Aziraphale, it's time to choose sides.
I've I've actually been giving that a lot of thought.
The, erm, the whole choosing sides thing.
Erm, what I think is that there obviously has to be two sides.
That's the whole point.
So people can make choices.
That's that's what being human means.
Choices.
But but that's that's for them.
Our job as as angels should be to keep all this working so they can make choices.
You think too much.
[GRUNTS.]
[GASPS.]
You you mustn't.
Why would you do this? We're the good guys.
I have to warn you that that I'm going to take this entire interaction up with up with a higher authority.
You really think upstairs will take your call? You're ridiculous.
[HORN SOUNDING.]
Oh, this is great.
It's starting.
You you bad angels.
Seems to me it'd serve everyone right if all the nuclear bombs went off and it started again, only properly this time.
Then we could sort it all out.
There's all these bombs going off.
People get killed.
Speaking as a mother of unborn generations, I'm against it.
You'd all be fine.
I'd see to that.
It'd be wicked, eh, to have the whole world to ourselves, wouldn't it? We could have amazing games.
We could have war with real armies.
But there won't be any people.
They'd all be dead.
Oh, I can make us some new people.
Adam, please let us go home.
- I want my mummy and my daddy.
- No.
- I'll make you new mummies and daddies.
- [THUNDER CRASHES.]
Please, Adam! Adam, what are you doing?! - [BARKS.]
- I've got friends coming soon.
You'll like them.
They're a lot like you.
They're going to help me make it all stop.
Actually, Adam, please, I can't move! I don't like this game! You wait.
It's going to be wicked.
- [WHIMPERS.]
- [THUNDER CRASHES.]
So we find this Adam, and then what do we do? Stop him.
He's bringing Armageddon.
So, we ask him nicely to stop? I don't know.
Agnes doesn't say.
She goes off on stuff about you and me.
- Like what? - Oh, stupid stuff.
You you don't want to know.
Hogback Lane isn't far from here.
[ANATHEMA SHOUTS.]
Hold on! I'm not an idiot! You don't get tornados in England! We do today! Prophecy 691! The wind should drop in a few seconds, then redouble.
We'll have less than a minute to go back inside before it starts again.
Got it? Okay.
Got it.
Under the bed! This is insane.
You don't get tornados here.
Did Agnes say what we have to do next? [GRUNTING.]
[AGNES.]
Let the wheel of fate turn.
Let hearts enjoin.
There are other fires than mine.
When the whirlwind whirls, - reach out to one another.
- [PULSIFER.]
"Reach out to one another"! The world's about to end, and I've I've never never robbed a bank.
I've never got a parking ticket.
I've never eaten Thai food.
I've never been abroad.
I've never learned to play a musical instrument, and I've never Kissed a girl? No, not even once.
[THUNDER RUMBLES.]
[GLASS SHATTERS.]
[WIND HOWLING.]
[PIN TWANGING.]
[PIN CLATTERS ON FLOOR.]
[SIZZLES.]
Huh.
[MADAME TRACY.]
I made you a nice cup of tea.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
I made it just the way you like it.
Nine sugars and condensed milk.
Awa' wi' ye, ye murrain plashed berrizene.
Oh, Mr Shadwell.
You say the nicest things.
[SOBS.]
I've sent him into the jaws of doom.
- Who? - Private Pulsifer.
Aye, he's just a lad.
I let him go alone.
I should have gone with him.
Well, he's just having a nice day out.
That's unusual.
I'm a bad man and a worse Witchfinder Sergeant.
I cannot believe I let him go alone.
I should go to him.
There's a train to Tadfield.
I can't get there on my bus pass.
There's not funds for a train ticket.
Oh, I'll not travel on the wages of harlotry and ghost-raising.
You'll need an extra five pounds for a sandwich and a coffee.
Wait.
Shouldn't we have dinner or something first? Shh.
No time.
Well, if you won't take it from me, what about one of those nice men that called? Mr Crowley won't give me an advance.
I think he's Mafia.
But the southern pansy in the bookshop might be a soft touch.
Aye, he's got money.
Even now, young Pulsifer could be suffering unimaginable tortures at the hands of the Daughters of Night.
I can't imagine what he's going through.
[GASPING.]
[COMICAL GASP.]
[PANTING.]
Aye, we can't leave our people in there.
They could be doing all manner of things to him right this moment.
[BOTH GASPING.]
Well, I don't suppose it'll be the end of the world even if they are, Mr S.
[WENSLEYDALE.]
But, please, Adam! We have to go home! This is your home! Here, with me! You don't have to go home or go to school or anything.
Or do anything you don't want to do, ever again.
Adam, just stop it! Shut up! Just stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop talking! You all have to stop talking now! Everybody, stop talking! [MUFFLED GRUNTING.]
- [INDISTINCT CHATTERING.]
- [WIND GUSTING.]
Hello.
This is the Principality Aziraphale.
I'm looking for, erm a higher authority.
Is there anybody there? [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
We're closed! This really is frightfully important.
I'm prepared to take this all the way to the top.
[GASPS.]
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
I, erm I I I need to speak to the Almighty.
[METATRON.]
Speak, Aziraphale.
Am I speaking to God? You are speaking to the Metatron, Aziraphale.
To speak to me is to speak to God.
I am the voice of the Almighty.
[AZIRAPHALE.]
Well, yes.
But you are the voice of the Almighty in the same way as, erm, a presidential spokesman is is the voice of the President.
I actually need to speak directly to God.
What is said to me is said to the Almighty.
Well, Aziraphale? I want to complain about the conduct of a few angels.
But the the important thing is the Antichrist.
I know who he is, I know where he is.
Good work, well done.
So there doesn't need to be any of that nonsense about, erm, a third of the seas turning to blood or anything.
There needn't be a war.
We can save everyone.
The point is not to avoid the war.
The point is to win it.
Ah.
Erm What sort of, er, initiating event will precipitate the war? We thought a multi-nation nuclear exchange would be a nice start.
Very imaginative.
The battle commences, Aziraphale.
- Join us.
- In a jiffy.
Two shakes of a lamb's tail.
Just a a couple of things left to tie up.
We will leave the gateway open for you, then.
Do not dawdle.
Yes.
Jolly jolly good.
- Hello.
I know where the Anti - Hi, this is Anthony Crowley.
You know what to do.
Do it with style.
Well, I know who you are, you idiot.
I telephoned you.
Listen, I know where the Anti Yeah, it's not a good time.
Got an old friend here.
- But - [SHADWELL.]
You foul fiend! In league with the forces of darkness! Sergeant Shadwell? You monster! Seducing women to do your evil will.
Oh, I think perhaps you've got the wrong shop.
You are possessed by a demon, and I will exorcise you with bell, book and candle.
Yes, er, fine.
But, please, keep away from the circle.
It's it's still powered up.
Bell.
- [BELL DINGS.]
- I'm honestly not a demon.
I I don't know what you think you saw, but Book! Please, you you you must keep away from the circle.
Practically a candle.
Look the circle is on, and it would be very unwise for you to step into it without the proper precaution.
- [PRAYING.]
- Whatever you think you've seen, don't cross the circle, you stupid man! Evil, returning no more! Oh fuck.
[EXPLOSION.]
Hello? [THUNDER CRASHES.]
[DOOR SLAMS.]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYS.]