Grandma's House (2010) s01e04 Episode Script

1 Kettle's on.
That'll cheer us all up.
Why are you being weird? What's wrong? Tell Mummy.
We're all upset.
Have you found a lump? Oh, Tanya, has he? No.
Do you check yourself? Guess what I just cleaned out.
Oh, Jesus My oven.
Oh, well done.
Tell everyone about your new show.
No! Simon's going to be back on TV.
Oh, really? No.
Oh, my friends all miss you.
Go on.
What is it? He's ballooning over Africa for ITV.
What is it? A charity documentary with celebrities in a balloon.
That's embarrassing.
See? Who asked you? Tanya! It's an honour to be asked.
Why haven't you said yes yet? It's an honour.
It's not an honour.
I'm just on a list of idiots.
What does your agent think? She sounds like you.
I'm pulling the plug.
What plug? I'm done with everything.
Shut up.
Pulling his what? Plug.
In here? What are you thinking? Why can't you get in a balloon for your mother? You'd look lovely.
I don't want to be on the list.
I just want to be a recluse.
How does that work? I'll just disappear for a year.
People will say, "He's in Thailand.
I heard he grew a beard.
" You're not famous enough to be a recluse.
You're notwhatsisname.
Who? You know.
Bernie Taupin.
You're not Bernie Taupin.
I'm not telling you again.
Thailand - why go there? To lose myself.
To overcome attachment to ego.
Good luck! Is he joking? Take your coat off, Bernie.
I'm not wearing one.
Not you - Bernie Taupin.
What's wrong? You upset about Sid dying? More about your fiance living.
Oh, Simon, you should be happy.
It's wonderful someone will marry your mother.
Don't say "ITV" like that.
I'm not saying you should be on ITV2.
Thanks.
Can't you see yourself in a balloon? You're not scared of heights.
I'm scared of looking a desperate tit! You'll be OK.
Nobody will watch that.
Does it have to be Africa? Couldn't it be more local? Could fly over Thurrock.
It's about babies with AIDS.
Don't bring one back, will you? You have to fish for an orphan.
Who else is going? Who was it? One of the McGann brothers and Wyclef Jean.
Wyclef Jean? Wyclef Jean.
You are doing it.
Get your face out there.
Wyclef Jean! My son with Wyclef Jean in a balloon! When's it going to be on TV? I love that.
You used to love Wyclef.
Do your Wyclef, go on.
One time, one time Come on, do it.
Mum.
Oh, please! Which McGann brother? I think it was Tony.
Do they do a Tony? I'm pulling the plug.
Grow up and get in the fucking balloon! It's exciting! Strumming my face Pain.
Strumming my pain.
Here you are.
All your old clippings.
Don't! It might be Frankie Rhones.
What's going on with her? Nothing.
What? Just say.
No.
I've got a load of people coming round and I don't want her in my house.
She talks a load of rubbish.
Simon, aren't you going to take your coat off? Clive's bringing your tapes round.
Why does Clive have to be involved? He's helping your mother with the move.
I don't want his boxes.
Oh, stop it! Maybe he'll surprise you and you'll bond with him a bit.
Maybe I'll marry him.
Let's all do it.
Oh, please.
Do people want you to marry someone you like with a small house? Those bastards! Don't look.
I'm going.
You're not going.
Clive will be here with your tapes.
I've got a barbecue.
In February? I'm not here.
This is just a quick hello.
I'm attending a barbecue in Highgate.
Whose? A friend's.
She's a performance artist.
Her boyfriend is a poet comedian, Tyler.
Not famous, then? Does everyone have to be? These are nobodies.
Can't you be friends with James Corden? OK, I'll try.
Call and say you'll be late.
No! Why not? Are you making this up? No! How can you? You're from my womb.
But I live in Hampstead now.
Right.
You wait here for Clive.
Eleven stitches I had for you! They must have healed! Wanna check? Has some of my paper fallen out? There's no page 36.
You're not sitting on it, are you? No.
They don't do page 36 now.
Stop scratching or put the gloves on.
Take your coat off, no? He looks forlorn.
Don't look forlorn.
Take it off.
Who put it in the bin? Not me.
You're supposed to be resting.
Simon's in it.
OK, I'm off! Bye, everyone! Love you! You're in the News of the World.
"How Sarky Simon Drove Me To Suicide.
" Oh, it's a beautiful picture.
Really, that's the important bit.
Why does my nose look so bulbous? Because it's actually a cock? Adam! It does look Can we be quiet, please? Aren't you bored yet? Yes! Did you know? I get Google alerts on my Blackberry.
Don't judge me.
It's an illness.
You've got a Blackberry? Cos Ben Theodore's got a Blackberry? Did you find out after the funeral? During.
It was on silent.
Not during the service.
It was the shovelling.
Is that worse? Maybe don't read it, Bernie.
It's a load of rubbish.
Yeah, don't read it.
Adam! Come on.
Today of all days.
"Charlie from Plastercast!" Who? Some crap band.
"The former host's bitchy jibes sent him over the edge.
" It's not bitchy, it's witty.
"Dry, free-wheeling wit.
" The Observer.
"He wouldn't stop until he'd ripped my life apart.
" OK, you get the idea.
Don't read it.
He's got a crappy single to sell.
"I wanted the ground to swallow me.
" Oh, God.
He should stop, Liz.
Adam, it's very boring.
It's hot showbiz news.
Page 36? "I went home and tried to end it all.
" I wanted to bring joy to the world.
Be funnier.
Liz! It was bound to happen.
"Seeing his smug little ratboy face" Ratboy? OK, enough now.
"He referred to the axed host" Axed? You left at your peak.
Likewho else? Buddy Holly.
Fern Britton.
".
.
as a pathetic pube head" What's a pube head? Who is this? I destroyed his life.
Good! I'll kill him! You launched him.
Who was he before this? Nobody.
You're back.
Simon's back.
You're in the paper, going to Africa with ITV You could interview the others.
Right.
They can't all jump out! Give it to me.
Give your mother the coat.
We're going to eat some rolls and watch Ratatouille.
Leave me alone! We don't want to watch Ratatouille.
Look at us all cooped up.
We should all go out to eat.
What? Sitting around, talking rubbish.
If it was on telly, they'd switch over.
Clive was on TV.
No, he wasn't! Watchdog, 1996.
Don't make jokes! It's not a joke.
He was in charge of a company that made children's duvet covers.
They made their skin go yellow.
What?! Oh, God.
How do you know? Monty Samuels told me.
He's a real busybody.
His daughter had an affair with the man from aqua-aerobics.
Clive did a runner to Spain.
Why haven't you said? I've been quite busy with the cancer.
Dad! Still like him? You fine with that? Discolouring children? It's in the past! Of course.
Mustn't talk about the past.
Nobody talk about the past! He's a real niggler today.
Why? He turned children yellow.
Maybe they looked nice.
Maybe.
You drove a man to suicide.
Attempted suicide.
Did they go back to normal? After a couple of weeks.
Fine.
Yellow for a fortnight.
Take your coat off so your grandma sees you're happy.
Oh, look at you! Seymour in Little Shop Of Horrors.
Oh, yes! How can you quit show business? Call your agent tomorrow.
Look at you.
Why don't you ask me if Ben Theodore's emailed back? Has he? No! Been to Claybarns yet, Tanya? We could go there.
Why shouldn't I take a break? It's exhausting.
Where does it end? When you get a BAFTA.
Sue went with her kids.
It's amazing.
Tanya? What? Sorry, I wasn't listening.
Why do always zone out? I was thinking aboutmy hands.
Is it the tone of my voice? The words? Both.
But I heard that, OK? Say something else.
This is all I did.
What was it for? You make sure you get out there, Adam.
Take some drugs, maybe join a gang.
It's enough now.
We should check out Claybarns, don't you think? I didn't do anything with my childhood.
They showed us a video, Adam, of a girl who took Ecstasy and died.
So I thought, "I can't take Ecstasy!" All you ever wanted was to be famous.
There you go.
A nice yoghurt.
Thanks.
I'm so ashamed of myself.
Why? You were driven.
You sent tapes to people, you changed your name.
Did he? Does this get interesting? What name? I can't remember.
Brad Simons.
God, I'm such an awful human.
Brad? He had cards printed.
Hey, Bra-a-ad.
How ya doin', Bra-a-ad? It was catchy.
Simon? What about this for the JC? Oh, yeah? "Sidney, I will never forget all the times we spent together "and the unwavering love you showed me over so many years.
"I will treasure you forever.
I will so miss our long walks in the forest.
"And who will I play Rummikub with now? Your heartbroken cousin, Bernie.
" That's really lovely.
I copied it from this week's lot - just changed the names.
Is that allowed? What'll they do? You're 70.
Are you happy? Give me some wisdom.
Well When I was in hospital, there was a man in the next bed with stomach cancer.
Ended up dying.
Very loudly.
All that breathing and moaning.
Horrible.
OK.
The day before, we were chatting and I asked if he'd heard of you.
Know what he said? No.
He said one of the few pleasures he had when he was lying there dying was watching you on TV.
Said it was a wonderful relief from the pain.
Really? You and Vernon Kay.
Right.
He loved All Star Family Fortunes.
Of course he did.
Know what I thought when I was on the toilet this morning? "Again?" Six years ago, I had a green shit.
Once.
He was very upset that you stopped.
Well, he's dead now.
All these tapes when you were little, you loved it then.
I was so embarrassing.
You were confident.
And so happy.
I was happy.
OK, maybe if I look at the tapes I'll find some joy.
Maybe I'll figure out who I am.
OK, good.
Thank you, good.
Maybe too much spinach.
Ratatouille! Let's all go to Claybarns, eh? Don't answer it! What's going on with you and this woman? Nothing.
I don't have to invite everyone.
What's wrong with her? She goes on about rubbish.
Bitter.
What did she say about you? Nothing.
Me? No! Me? No! What would she say about you? She's got a grandson with no life.
He's a real schmucky nothing.
So? He says things about Simon.
What did he say? Nothing.
What did she say? She said he's a has-been.
I never liked her.
Can we get over it? Did you go to school with him, Simon? Daniel Rhones.
Oh, yeah.
Why? Don't worry about him.
He used to chase people with his penis.
Shut up! He did.
It was terrifying.
It must have been the largest penis in school.
Nobody challenged it.
Even the teachers said, "Nothing we can do.
It's big.
" He's a nothing.
Don't worry about him.
You didn't see his penis.
When's the child stainer coming? Soon.
Stop now.
Can't you smile for your grandma? Aw, my Simon.
Was the funeral a bit much for you? Oh, no.
I'm void of emotion.
I'm empty.
I'm Fearne Cotton.
What's wrong with her? She's a schmuck! Is he still doing that obituary? Come on! How long have you been married? 52 years? Is it 52 years? How do you do that? Keep the spark alive for 52 years? Well, he's no bother.
Why don't you take your coat off? I'm going soon.
Just waiting for my tapes and then I'll figure out my life.
Stop.
We'll watch them after Ratatouille.
It's embarrassing.
Did he tell you about the dead man? Yeah, great news! Let's watch Simon's old tapes.
That'd be fun.
I thought we were going out.
When Clive gets here, we'll all go to Claybarns.
What is this Claybarns? An enormous buffet.
You can have whatever you want.
Pasta, steak, spicy Mexican.
Like a hospital canteen? It's a restaurant.
It's "fresh and fun"! Is that their marketing? That their food hasn't gone off yet? It's got everything, Mum.
Like a cruise.
Daddy downloaded all the information! Oh? It's the Mediterranean.
And the Canaries.
Remember on the Odysseus, we got asked to sit on the Captain's table.
We couldn't believe it.
I said, "Are you sure? "You want us for the Captain's table?" They said, "Yes, of course.
" We got there, the Captain wasn't there! It was just his table! Remember, Bernie? The Captain wasn't there! He was driving the boat.
Parp-parp! Well, that's put us all in the mood.
Ready for Claybarns? Why don't you come to me next time? Go to a nice restaurant? You have to be so different, don't you? "I'm too special to eat normal food.
"Is it organic? Is it Fairtrade? Were any Africans raped for that plum?" For Christmas she made frozen pizzas.
How do I know how to do a Christmas dinner? They were fine.
I make one suggestion for this family - - can we all just go? OK, if it's that important to you! Not Simon, though.
Why not? He's a celebrity! You were born to present.
Wasn't he, Mum? Yes! I liked the one where you wore the red cardigan.
I should have been an actor.
No! Name me one famous actor.
What would you act in? A cool indie film with people in torn vests.
What are you talking about? Like "Johnny, have you seen my candle?" "No.
Is it in the kitchen?" "Ohdo you think it might be?" You know, that sort of thing.
He's basically just totally self-obsessed.
No! Are we getting some biscuits or what? Let's see if he's self-centred.
You name me three things about me that aren't related to you and your life.
What? Yeah, go on.
You can get something to put under your eyes for those bags.
Shush.
Don't interfere.
You're, uh See? You can't do it, can you? She's got Don't help him! You've got a friend with short hair.
Yes.
What's her name? Lucy? Julie? Something basic.
What am I supposed to know? Oh, you're not that keen on foreigners.
Leave him, leave him.
Have a biscuit.
Basically, he's just selfish.
Your life's meaningless without kids.
All you've done is continue the cycle of misery.
"Ooh, we've had a baby!" Know who else has? Everyone.
Your son needs a psychotherapist.
Stephanie! Yeah? Helen.
Helen?! Helen.
For God's sake! It's been a tough day.
My uncle has just died.
For once, do something for someone else.
Please, come to Claybarns with me.
All right.
Whatever.
Where's Clive with my bloody tapes? He used to be a flasher.
Yes, Daniel Rhones.
Waved himself around at school like a pervert.
I know, poor Frankie.
No wonder she looks so dreadful.
She must have nerves wondering what he'll do with it next.
Hang on.
That's my door.
I don't know him.
Simon was at school with him.
"Attention-seeking twats.
They should both commit suicide.
LOL.
" I don't care what the internet thinks about my son.
Can I have it back now? No.
Right, I'm off to get my photographs.
You're not.
Sit down, Dad.
Mum! Tell him! You're in the middle of chemotherapy! Liz, Clive's back.
Thank God.
Hi, Clive.
Hi, all.
Who were you talking to? Denise.
She's coming for Kalooki.
Daniel Rhones works for her son.
She said he's very lazy and they'll probably fire him.
Want some tea, Clive? White, two lumps.
Just like my lover.
Oh, gosh.
Captain, you were one Class A stage school prat.
- Clive! - He turned out all right.
"No way! He is my fave.
I love him sooooo much.
"I hope that Simon prick dies.
" Oi! Have you got the tapes? Call Brad Simons about his tap shoes.
Right, I'm off.
Stay.
Clive's only just got back.
Stay and talk to Clive.
Simon will go and get them.
My superstar can't walk to a shop.
He's on TV.
Isn't he on t'sofa? "Anyone think his nose is like a cock?" Enough! I wrote that one.
Did the doctor say he has to stay in? No.
He said he has to take it easy.
Maybe he should go to bed.
Well, what's he doing down here? Dad, you should go back up to bed.
You should rest.
We'll wake you when it's time to go.
Can't he have a little walk? You have a little walk! His skin's pale.
You're blotchy.
No, that wasn't Daniel Rhones.
Daniel Jackson had the big penis.
What? Which one's Daniel Rhones, then? Maybe you should lie down.
D'you want to come with me? Enough, Bernie! You're coming to bed.
Thanks.
You want me to go up? If you want to.
Come on, Bern.
Clive! Sit.
Did you bring Simon's tapes? What? Those dusty old VHSs? Who watches VHS any more? No, threw 'em away.
You didn't.
Oh, no! Don't do an angry tap dance! Yeah, I took them to the tip.
What do you want them for? Just a second.
Everything I've done is on those tapes.
Has he thrown them away? Shush, no.
This isn't OK.
Are we saying this is OK? Shush, darling.
Did you tell him to? Wait a minute.
Maybe I'll go to bed.
Everything all right, folks? No, not really.
Fine, fine.
I don't understand.
You've just thrown my tapes away? Is that a thing you do in your life? Simon Why is it just me saying this? Who is he to do that? Who are you? Everything I've done is on those tapes.
You're more insecure than me.
Simon, stop.
I'm being confrontational.
You clomp around like you're some alpha male rhino.
You're like a shit hippo pretending to be a rhino.
Did you keep your copy of Watchdog? I put them onto DVDs for you.
Got everything onto six discs.
See? I can act.
Clive just wants to talk to you.
God, I've apologised.
Go and talk to him! Tell him you're just a bit forlorn.
Quickly.
I'm going to a barbecue.
They do barbecue ribs at Claybarns.
Go on, Simon, for me.
You made up such a terrible barbecue.
It's real.
I just want some joy in my life.
Then be friends with James Corden! He just wants to talk to you.
Go now, please.
Now! Hang on.
And take your coat off first.
Oh, my God! Simon, go.
Hello.
Sorry again.
I'm I'm a bit forlorn.
Ah, you're OK, mate.
Sit down, come on.
I've got to go in a minute.
We're all going.
Your mum told me you're off kilter.
I was at rock bottom for six months, staring at an empty Scotch bottle.
Gosh.
That's depression, my friend.
You wouldn't be here if you were depressed.
No, I'm just being silly.
It boils down to putting a brave face on things and not letting the bastards grind you down.
Thosebastards.
Those bloody grinding bastards, bloody grinding all the time.
Those bloody bastards.
Yeah.
I did make a man want to kill himself.
Shhh.
Just stop it.
All publicity is good publicity.
Right? Almost always.
Come paint-balling with me.
Oh, Jesus! You'll love it.
Have you never done it? I think once with the Sugababes.
Wow! God, I wish I'd been there.
We've got this corporate bonding event.
You can shoot Dom Lobo for me.
Pompous git.
He'd love to.
OK, Simon? You can go blind, can't you? You'll be fine.
It's not too rough.
You can keep your perm intact.
That's not a perm.
He's a natural pube head.
- We're coming for you, Lobo! - Will you be OK, mixing with the public? I keep forgetting he's the big celeb.
Anyone been listening to Heart? We should take this guy to Claybarns.
Free Claybarns for a year for whoever brings the biggest celeb.
Oh, yeah? They thought they had that Joe Swash but he was a lookalike.
It's yours if you want it, Si.
What? You little cow! Honestly, I had no idea.
Is that what I am? Free shit food? It's good food, Simon.
"My uncle has died! Please come to Claybarns with me!" Why didn't you say it was a competition? We'll have to go now.
Come on.
Hello.
Not asleep? Wide awake.
I'm going.
I can't take any more.
Why are you still in bed? It's easier just to do as they say.
Is this it, then? Just sit in bed all day waiting to die so you don't upset Liz? You know she's demented? All there is is the joy of the moment.
That's all.
If you're not enjoying this moment, then you may as well be dead.
Right? Where did you want to go? Jessops on the high street.
Fine.
That's joyous, isn't it? What would you rather - death or Jessops? Jessops.
Right.
Shall we? I could go tomorrow.
Death.
OK, I'm off.
Oh, sit down.
We're watching you.
I'll watch them on my own.
It'll be nice.
Clive put them on DVD for you.
This is your history.
Be proud, my man.
What's that? Whose coat is this?! Simon! What? Now you're pushing my father down the stairs! One step! I put it on the banister.
You're a banister! You have to have such a long coat? Should I have a shorter coat? We shouldn't let him near him after last time What did I do last time? You tried to kill him with your melon! I didn't! He choked on the pip of your stupid melon! It was organic.
Full of pips! You're full of pips! Nice one, Brad.
OK, can we all just sit? Simon's going to find some joy if it kills him then he's going ballooning with Wyclef Jean.
'What do you do if you see a German drowning? 'Don't help him.
Nick his sun bed! 'Have we got any Green people tonight? Those environmentalists who care more 'about recycling toilet paper than using it.
' Oh, God.
'We've got a guest singer.
She's been in all the theatres 'and never got her name up in lights.
And she's always wanted that' Oh! Is this what I'm meant to take an interest in? Shush! Look at you, my special boy.
I loved that waistcoat.
Maybe we can turn it off now? See? Feeling any joy now? Daniel Rhones.
He says you're a has-been and why are you talking about his penis? ' # Start spreading the news ' # I'm leaving today # ' Claybarns? 'Let's hear it for Brad Simons!'