Great Night Out (2013) s01e04 Episode Script

1 That's it.
That's it.
Right, just take your time.
You got it.
Cheers for giving this my Mam, Tonky.
Nice one, Tonks.
Yeah.
This is hurting my wrists.
Won't be the first time you've said that.
Are we in? OK, we're in.
Yep, yep that's it.
Glyn, you'll have to get in the wardrobe.
There's no room.
In you go, son.
I'm claustrophobic.
Very funny.
I'm so proud you're coming out the closet.
Don't kick the arse out of it, Daz.
Oh, hello.
Uncanny how you turn up once the lifting is finished.
Er, no, because I've been finishing your bathroom, bird-brain.
What, you finished it? Oh, yes, looks mint.
Oh, so you contracted the work out.
Where is she? The telly's on.
She's not answering but the telly's on.
Oh, bollocks.
I'm coming, Mrs B.
Argh! Argh! Mam, are you in? Is that you Beggsy, love? I'm up here.
What are you doing up there? I forget now but the bloody stepladder toppled over as I climbed up.
Been keeping busy though.
Watch your heads.
Coming down.
Ooh.
A Christmas tree? Where's your Christmas spirit? In September? How long have you been up there for, Pam? Oh, must be the best part of four hours now.
Four? What have I said to you about having your phone with you in case of emergencies? I've got it but I was waiting till after six for my free calls.
Give me your purse now! Hiya, Kath.
Hiya.
How you doing, babe? I'm all right.
How are you? Inside The Camel's Head, that's what the film's called? Yeah.
It's one of the finest examples to emerge from the embryonic Kuwaiti film scene, fusing dogma-style realism with Bergmanesque existentialism.
Right.
The futility of war told from the perspective of a camel really.
War Horse with humps.
I hope Glyn don't get the hump.
It's all in Arabic.
If he's with you, he'll love it.
You love everything when you start going out, even Hollyoaks.
Two coffees.
Oh, finally.
Do we look like Rupert and Supjit? It's for them.
I don't believe this.
We've been here ages.
I'll need a bloody haircut time we get out of here.
Aw, look at the baby, Ju.
Kath and Julie.
Anything else? Can I have one of those, please? That's his fifth today.
I told you, I've got no cash and cards on me.
I'll pay you later.
Oh, only got your word for it.
I might never see you again.
Oh, bloody hell.
Hands up, Warren.
I've been coming here 18 years, what just to play the long game, to wangle ten lousy pints out of you? All right all right, keep your testicles on.
How you doing with the quiz questions, Glyn? What? I'm doing quiz night this week.
Warren's paying me two pints.
People are saying the questions have been too easy so Glyn's gonna come up with some harder ones.
I'm good at general knowledge.
Yeah, if the question's name the day that comes after Monday.
I'll look it up on the Internet.
Remember to switch the laptop on first.
At least Warren appreciates me.
Oh, here we go.
What you whingeing about now? Nothing.
I'm just saying I could have died of suffocation in that wardrobe and you laughed.
It is the best medicine.
Why is the joke always at my expense? Because you are our Crystal Skull.
Don't tell him that.
What's a Crystal Skull? I was at Daz's working on his bathroom You mean watching telly, eating Monster Munch.
And Indiana Jones came on, Raiders of.
Classic, I love it.
But Daz - he doesn't.
He's a Temple of Doom, man.
My favourite's Last Crusade.
Which makes you Crystal Skull.
Hang about.
Crystal Skull's the crap one.
Why do I have to be the crap one? Deal with it.
Kath said Julie's taking you to the cinema tonight to watch some foreign Yeah, some art-house film.
I'm not looking forward to it, to be honest, but I best go.
I don't want her to think I'm thick.
What's it called? Mm-mm.
No.
Camel Toe? Inside The Camel's Head? That's it.
Yeah.
Have you seen it? Oh, yeah, it is brilliant.
Especially that bit when the pack of dinosaurs eat the camel.
Oh, yeah, it's absolutely brilliant.
No, don't spoil it for me.
I'm going for a slash.
What a Crystal Skull.
Ow.
Hodge.
Yes, I arrive home a little bit tipsy.
It's fine, darling.
Have another beer if you want.
And the football highlights are on.
I might just have a quick bath.
I love you.
Go and watch your footy.
Hodge, will you bring me up a glass of wine once I'm in my bubbles, babe? Yes.
And some Doritos.
Oh, yes.
And, um, can we try and make a baby tonight? We'd have far less money.
The holidays would have to stop.
Mm.
I went to the baby shop just to see how much everything would cost And? Aren't they cute? I know we'd agreed, said just us two was perfection, but I couldn't resist.
What do you think? It's Daz.
Yep? You flooded my house.
There is a bathroom where the lounge used to be.
That's not my fault.
Well, that's funny because when I left my house this morning I had a bloody floor.
Do you want me to come over? In the morning.
I'm stopping at Col's The only women who'll stop off at mine are mermaids.
You're a muppet.
All right? Have you spoke to Bev? She said you can only stay tonight.
Oh, what? Anyone would think she owned the place.
She does.
Let me talk to her.
He is very handy round the house.
He's a dab hand with the Dyson and he will bring you breakfast in bed every morning, won't you, Daz? Also, Bev, I will get you a steal of a deal for satellite telly.
All the movies.
All the sports channels.
Imagine.
I like sport about as much as I like him That hurts me, Bev.
When have I ever shown you anything other than respect? Let's see what you put on Facebook the other week.
Hm.
Going round Col's.
Hope Bev's not there.
She's a stuck-up, boring know-it-all and smells of cat food.
I put LOL after it though.
I didn't think you looked at my profile.
Yeah, she does.
She likes looking at the photos of you and Beggsy.
Got a thing for Beggsy, haven't you, Bev? God, you are so embarrassing.
I don't even know who Beggsy is.
Bev, I walked in on you kissing his profile picture.
I wasn't kissing his picture.
My screen was dirty.
I was cleaning it.
With your tongue? You see, if I stayed here, Beggsy would come round and visit me all the time.
Do you think he'd like me? I think he'd love you.
What was that weird made-up language all about? Arabic.
Come on, Glyn.
Is that for real? Well, yeah.
Glyn? Glyn Thwaite.
Scott Woodhouse.
How are you? I haven't seen you since school.
Good, long time.
Julie Liverman.
Or is it Julie Thwaite now? No.
God, no, we've just started.
But you never know, do you? Did you see the film? What a load of old - Absolutely fantastic, talk about masterpiece.
The allegory to the fallen in the slow ringing of the bell.
Amazeballs.
Uhh.
I thought there'd be dinosaurs in it.
I found it a bit chilling.
Did it not do your head in trying to and then see what the camel's head was doing? No, I speak fluent Arabic.
You're joking? Really? I run my own business and we're quite international.
Do you ever see those boys that used to bully you, Glyn? I wasn't bullied Beggsy, Daz, Paddy Hodgkinson.
Absolute tossers.
They're my mates.
We still drink at the Nelson.
What, through choice? You should pop in, say hello.
Yeah, I might.
I mean, I still live close.
Well, relatively close - Hale Barns.
You've done all right for yourself then.
Yeah, you and me both.
Yeah.
Hm.
I can't believe we're doing this.
We're actually gonna make Are you OK? Yep, I'm fine.
Just you're not I know.
I think it's all that trouble with Daz and Aw, he looks sleepy.
There's a first time for everything.
Maybe I should go down there and have a word with him.
I don't think that's gonna work.
Oh.
Come on, let's make a baby.
Just think sexy thoughts.
OK.
OK.
Sexy.
Are these new pillowcases? Have you had breakfast? No.
Let me do you some eggs.
I'm not hungry.
Why don't you do me some? Customers get angry if I turn up late.
Who Daz? He won't mind.
Are you rushing off to avoid me? Why would I do that? Well Last night? I'm so not bothered about that.
I thought you might have gone off me.
Oh, don't be daft.
Right, well, we can have another go tonight then, can't we? Yeah.
Brilliant.
And now I have to go round and be nice to his girlfriend's housemate, who sounds like a right weirdo.
I tell you, having mates, total nightmare.
What? I forgot my keys.
And I thought forgetting your purse at the checkout was a clever ruse to get out of paying the bill.
Here, use mine So what is your professional opinion? Something's gone wrong.
What a brilliant assessment.
Don't look at me.
How do I know you'd not run a bath and forgotten to turn it off? Run a bath? I was watching telly, eating my haddock and chips and suddenly I'm in the bleeding Poseidon adventure.
Oh, everything is always my fault.
You're going nowhere.
Get it fixed.
Because until it is I have to stay at Colleen's.
And you be nice to Bev because that's the only reason she's letting me stay.
Are you pimping me out? Both of you.
Sort it.
Ohh.
Whoa, Daz.
Daz! I've found your haddock.
What if she asks me on a date? Oh, it's a no-brainer.
The answer's yes.
No, no, I have seen your updates.
I am not going with no weirdo who smells of cats.
Er, cat food.
Look, just agree to it and then postpone.
As soon as Hodge has finished you'll never have to see her again.
Hiya, Bev.
We're here.
Hiya, Bev.
I'm Beggsy.
Something wrong? Not at all.
Oh, my God.
She's been all day doing this.
I think she's planning on breaking his ankles and keeping him in the cellar.
Blimey.
You having a party? Ha, ha.
No, just a bit of afternoon tea.
We often do this, don't we, Col? Oh, we have a brew and a Jaffa Cake.
There's a plate of them there.
Do you like Jaffa Cakes, Beggsy? Yeah.
Oh, my God, so do I.
Oh, my God.
Don't tell me - do you like cats as well? Er, they're Yeah, yeah, they're all right.
Yes! I love them too.
We are so going to get along.
Right.
Who's for champagne? How are you getting on with the questions? Just finding it hard to get on the Internet on this phone.
Let me give you the start.
What slow, dim-witted, ugly animal, whose name begins with the letter G, can be found in its natural habitat, the northwest of England? Is it goat? Yes, Glyn.
Yeah, goat.
Can I get a small latte and whatever Glyn wants? Scott.
A small latte and a kick up the arse, eh? Scott, is it? Yeah.
Well, I'm afraid we don't fart about with lattes in here.
What coffees do you have? Well, we have Nescafe and Mellow birds.
I'll have an orange juice.
Yes, I had thought you might I didn't expect to see you so soon.
I do zumba up at Heaton Manor.
Yeah? I've always been rubbish at languages.
Right.
I had to pass through so I thought I'd drop in.
You work out much yourself? Exercise? Yeah, all the time.
Yeah.
On Xbox.
Tomorrow I'm having a 'me' day.
It's important to reward yourself.
You know, wax, facial, bit of clothes shopping.
Do you want to come? I could bring you up to speed on Kuwaiti cinema.
What exactly are you having waxed? There you go.
Is that real? No, that is a bloody hologram.
Of course it's real.
Oh, you mean proper orange.
My God, your class of mate's going up in the world, isn't it, Glyn? Poncy git.
Mmm.
It's my own recipe.
Loads of sugar, loads of butter and the secret ingredient - anger.
Anger? Not love? No, anger.
You need to get the air into the mix.
I whisk and think about all the things I get angry about - animal cruelty, Bill Oddie, lederhosen.
All helps my sponges.
Do you want another? Actually, I'm all right with this one, thanks, Bev.
Have a little nibble on my special cake? I think you should, Beggsy.
Have a bite for Bev.
Oh.
Cheers, Bev.
I wasn't looking forward to coming round but you've really cheered me up.
I tell you what you need.
A massage.
Get your top off.
What? Er, no, no.
I mean, with my Mum, she's um she getting forgetful.
Does she recognise you? Does she think John Major's prime minister? No, she just forgets little things.
My ex-wife, her mum's got dementia.
Working at the hospital I see it with the old dears all the time.
We've got so much in common.
I work at Glenfern, the old folks' home.
What that big posh one? We've just had a Starbucks put in in the lounge.
Oh.
You should bear us in mind if things get worse.
Oh, I don't think things are that serious really.
There's a lot of prejudice about assisted living, it's the new racism.
But you shouldn't be scared.
Glenfern's basically just a really posh spa for folk who are into Antiques Roadshow.
I doubt I could afford a place like that.
Purse stings are tight.
I could get you a discount.
Er, I'll have a think about it.
Did you know recent research has proved that close physical contact helps you to think? Sorry? Are they snogging? No, no.
It's salmon.
Don't spit in the sink.
And can you put this back when you've used it? Are we going to the Nelson? Yeah.
No.
I'm not sharing a bed when you're drunk.
I won't get drunk.
You've had two bottles of champagne, you've spat in the sink.
Take a chill pill, Col.
Jeez.
Let him off the leash, girlfriend.
Let our lads go to the pub, mm? Thank you, Beverley.
Excuse me, boys.
Cheers, Warren.
Are you OK? Is it the weight thing? Everyone gets fatter when they get older.
I am not getting fat.
Is it your hair? Have any of you three had any problems downstairs? Are you taking the piss? What? My bloody bathroom crashed into my lounge.
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
Look, have you been tired, so tired that you and your wife, your girlfriend, your boyfriend, knew that there was an elephant in the bedroom but there was a problem with its trunk? I'm talking about E-D.
Oh, I see.
E-D? Yeah.
Ed? Who's Ed? He's not talking about Ed.
Clumsy Ed, on the Swan's darts team? He's not on about Ed.
Eddie Jumpers, works on the market? It's E-D.
It stands for erectile dysfunction.
He's having trouble getting a hard-on, you - Sssh! Keep your voice down.
Do you understand? Yes.
So there's no elephant? Did this happen last night? Right, case solved then.
Brewer's droop.
You had ten pints last night.
No, I've never had that.
First time for everything.
It wasn't brewer's droop.
I logged onto some porn sites today.
For medical reasons.
And? Not a sausage.
You should've been fixing my house not getting off on porn.
He wasn't getting off, that's his point.
Look, lads, you will not tell anybody about this, will you? Vow of silence.
What if I can't get it working again? You can always get an injection.
What, in my arm? No.
Get in.
Ssh.
Eh, Hodge started telling us, like, scary stories.
Ssh.
Don't wake Bev.
Oh.
Ssh.
Sorry, Bev! Eh, just think, you could help me to bed all the time if we lived together.
Are you coming to bed? I'm just watching some telly.
The House of Lords? They're just discussing wind farms.
Oh.
What? I'm just thinking about future generations.
Snap.
Oh, baby.
Oh, Beggsy.
Colleen? Beggsy? Arghhh! You all right, Bev? Sorry about last night.
You coming to pub quiz tonight up the Nelson? I hate pub quizzes.
They make me want to self-harm.
Beggsy's gonna be there.
Oh, did you say pub quizzes? Mm.
I thought you said pub shwizzes.
Oh, I love pub quizzes, me.
Better go pick out some nice pants.
You've done it again, haven't you? What? You've not put this away.
It's not normal what you do with this.
Colleen, it's a hairdryer.
I dry hair with it I know.
I've seen.
There you go, love.
Er call me picky but I actually prefer mine a bit crispier.
Oh, sorry.
I must have forgotten to put the grill on.
Give it here.
Er, Mam, just hang on a sec.
Will you sit down? I'm getting worried.
Why? What about? You're forgetting things.
Leaving teabags in the mug, forgetting to switch the grill on.
Everyone forgets things.
Not as often as you do.
You think I'm losing my marbles? No, I just I want you to be safe.
You remember the chip-pan fire? No.
Course I bloody remember.
I'm fine.
I suppose I'm just daydreaming.
Well I'm here for you and if your daydreaming gets any worse, I've been talking to a friend who works at Glenfern.
Glenfern? The old folks' home? There's a lot of prejudice about assisted living, it's actually racist, but that place, it's got its own Starbucks.
It's Colditz with bingo.
I'm not going in a home.
I'm in the prime of my life, you cheeky sod.
Go on, get to work.
You're not having bacon, hot or cold.
So relaxing, innit? Yeah.
Uhh! Sorry, my feet are a bit ticklish.
Oh! Sorry, love.
Same thing happened when I went to the chiropodist Verruca.
Same thing as last time, Jai Poh.
Body hair.
So last century.
I'll just have a number eight, please.
When we left school Ahh I knew I was destined for better things than hanging round the Nelson all my life.
Ohhh.
So I started to visualise.
It's like a meditation Yeah, down a bit or praying.
It's dead spiritual.
Noel Edmunds does it.
Yep.
You visualise what you want from life, where you want to be, how you want to get it and if you're serious about it Yes.
It comes to you.
It came to me.
Where do you want to be, Glyn? The pub.
All right, lads? What? Sorry, we were expecting Glyn.
Ah, funny.
Yeah, I just thought I'd mash it up a bit.
A woman appreciates a man who takes care of himself.
Yeah.
So do certain fellas.
You're not wearing socks.
You don't wear socks with espadrilles.
Your feet must stink.
Is that a handbag? Got you a pint over here.
Two white wine spritzers, please.
The girls on the way, are they? No.
No? Anyway, um, back to the reason that I've invited you here.
My marriage could well be over.
I've told you, just take the blue tablet.
Don't want to.
I want to get my lead back naturally.
I'd introduce something new into our love-life but, Kath and me, we've done everything.
Everything? All the positions? Everything.
Role playing.
Everything.
Spanking, food, on a beach.
All three at once, actually.
Picnic at Blackpool - got out of hand.
There's nothing left.
Nah, nah.
There's always something.
Here.
Unusual sexy stuff to get you going.
Let's download that.
Whoa.
Yeah, I don't think that you should try any of this.
Why, what have you found? Oh, no, that's just a waste of a perfectly good Toblerone, that.
Ooh! He's really going at that, in't he? How fat is she? Daz, it's a pig.
Put me right off bacon, that has.
Ah, all right, gentlemen? Scott Woodhouse.
Glyn didn't tell us you'd had a sex change.
Hey, don't speak to my mate like that.
Oh, it's OK, Glyn.
It's understandable.
Hodge is upset given his situation.
Situation? Yeah, your little friend.
I'm sure it's only temporary.
You've told him.
Yeah, well, he's my mate.
He's not my mate and you won't be any longer if you keep on blabbing.
I'm fretting! At least he doesn't keep taking the mick out of me.
Well, if you don't like us and you think you've got a better class of mate, feel free to piss right off.
Is that what you want? Fine.
Come on, Scott.
See you.
Well done.
No, he'll come round.
What do you want? Don't shoot the messenger.
This is off Tonky.
What is it? A large rum with a dash of Campari in.
Says it helps to stoke the fire down below in the old basement Works every time, mate.
Vow of silence.
No hard feelings, Hodgey, lad.
No I'm No hard 'Hurry up, Bev, we're gonna be late.
' All right, I'll do my lippy on the way.
We're only going to the quiz at the Nelson.
We're not going the Oscars.
What, this old thing? Which lipstick? Classic Coral or Cherry Lust? Er Listen, Bev, about Beggsy.
You know, all this business with his ex-wife, his daughter moving abroad.
I just don't think that he's ready to start dating again just yet.
Do you understand? Totally.
He needs a good push, doesn't he? Cherry Lust.
What's our team name? How about Beggs and Bev? There's four of us.
Your names don't begin with B.
I'll put Beggs and Bev and buddies.
He looks a right knob.
It's a brewery initiative to sell more chicken-flavoured crisps.
Cos that's gonna work! They're free, love.
Oh, send him over Mam's still not answering.
You can't worry about your mum all the time.
Maybe you need to let her reach rock bottom - have a fall, break her hip, lying in a puddle of her own discomfort for hours - then she'll have to go in a home.
I'm worried my dress goes see-through in these lights.
Does it? I think I'm going to go and check on my mam.
Be about 20 minutes.
Bit of a mummy's boy, in't he? Bloody hell.
Ladies and gentlemen, hope you've got plenty of drinks in as we come to the highlight of the evening - it's the quiz night, ladies and gentlemen.
It's a rollover tonight from last month and the prize tonight is And wait for it.
£30 worth of pop vouchers! So let's hear it, please, as he makes it to the stage, Stockport's answer to Bamber Gascoigne, the one and the only Glyn Thwaite! Come on, let's hear it for Glyn! Good lad, Glyn.
Good lad, Glyn.
Shall we sit with you? Glyn says you can't.
Says Daz, Beggs, your Hodge, dead to him.
Oh.
I'll see you later then.
Two, two, two.
Hiya.
White wine.
Thank you.
Look at them all, driving themselves mad to try and win 30 quid.
£30 is a lot of money round here, you know.
You're not in Hale Barns now.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Julie.
Hodge, about your little problem.
Not with Kath here.
I'm not gonna say anything, am I? But when you got upset, I went online, didn't I? Here.
Got some information for you.
Frequently asked questions about impotence.
You printed these off for me? Of course I did.
You're not just a punter to me.
You're my pal.
Thanks, Warren.
It's all right.
And it says there alcohol is not always the reason for a Mr Softy.
So you can have a few jars whenever you want.
You're all heart, you, in't you? What was that about? What? Nothing, it's fine.
What team name shall I put? You can talk to me about anything.
You know that, don't you? That won't fit in the box.
Right.
Mam, are you in there? You're not in the loft again, are you? Mam! Mam? I'm here, I'm here! I'm fine.
Where's your skirt? Did you forget to put it on? Oh, Matthew.
Mam, listen to me.
I think you need to see someone.
I am seeing someone.
Eh? Tonky? Wh What's he doing up here? Well, I've not finished with him yet.
Sorry, mate.
I was gonna tell you but Whoa.
Question six.
Galileo was an Italian physicist, mathematician, astronomer and philosopher who played a major role in the scientific revolution.
What colour were Galileo's eyes? Oh, come on.
What are you playing at? You told me to make them hard.
That's degrading to chickens, that.
Is this Beggsy's phone? Yeah, he must have left it.
Sod it, I'm cheating.
Keep a look out.
Glyn says you helped him with the questions.
Mm.
That's very good of you.
I didn't think this was your scene.
Well, I'm not complaining about the company right now.
Is that from Inside The Camel's Head, the bit just before he sees the couple having sex? Making love.
He's tender but powerful.
I can't stop thinking about you.
But you're Glyn's friend.
I'd rather be your friend.
That is so wrong.
No, it's so right.
Julie look around you, look.
This is Glyn's life.
This is what you've got to look forward to.
Yeah, well, it's not so bad.
Question seven.
Name five flavours of crisps no longer in circulation.
How long? About five weeks.
So roughly the same amount of time that you've been forgetting things.
Daydreaming.
Oh, yeah.
You were daydreaming - about him.
I knew you'd be like this, that's why we didn't tell you.
He's closer to my age than yours.
You ask him out then.
First you think I've got dementia.
You can see I'm fine and you're still not happy.
Your mother has needs.
I don't need to know about that.
I thought I'd kissed goodbye to my drive.
But let's just say I'm a tap and Tonky's turned it back on again.
Full blast.
Tonky's a nice fella, Matthew.
We rub along.
Right.
I don't need to know about rubbing.
Believe me, son, your Mam forgets nothing.
She knows where everything goes.
God.
Settle down, please, everyone.
Question twelve and it's your music question.
The song Fly Me To The Moon was famously sung by Frank Sinatra.
How far is it from the Earth to the Moon? How is that a music question? Shut it, Daz, or I'll disqualify you.
Listen - Glyn, he's a nice enough bloke but, come on, he thought there'd be dinosaurs in a film about the Iraq war.
Sorry, just let me get this straight.
You went to the effort of befriending Glyn again just so you could get close to me? Yeah.
Wow.
Er I don't know what to say.
Glyn, Glyn.
Could you just er give me a minute, please? You take as long as you need, sweetheart.
Right.
Here.
Here's some proper bloody questions which you can answer without having to be a crisp bloody addict or Stephen bloody Hawking.
Get back up there quick, soft arse.
Hurry up, they're waiting.
Are you all right, Julie? Yeah, I'm fine.
Is that Scott bothering you? Don't worry about it Daz, eh? It's all under control.
One double whisky, please, Warren.
This has to be the worst day of my life.
Pervert! I know your dirty secrets.
I've seen what you've looked at.
Eh? I looked up the answers and it was open on some videos.
I will never eat another Toblerone again.
No.
No, no, no, no.
I was trying to help out Hodge find out about his - I could never be with a man who has that sort of relationship with confectionery.
You know what, you're absolutely right? It's a problem that I've got.
I can't even look at a Curly Wurly and, to be honest with you, Bev, I don't think I could be left alone with one of your cupcakes.
Uhh! I don't want to know.
Ha-ha! Same again, please, Warren.
My day just got a whole lot better.
And your next question.
I am a 36-year-old male who has erectile dysfunction.
What could be causing it? Warren, are you sure about these questions? I got them off the web.
Just get on with it.
And your next question.
Can impotence be caused by wearing tight underwear? Arh.
What's going on, love? I don't want to talk about it.
OK.
Would it help if I ask the questions and you just nod or shake your head? Is there a problem with our mutual friend? He doesn't want to come out to play, does he? Is it, by any chance, because we talked about having a baby? Really? Oh, babe.
Would it help if I said we can put this whole baby thing on hold? And gave you a big wet kiss? And we'll have all the answers after the interval, folks? What are you sat with them? At least we're not trying to pull her.
Yeah, Scott's been cracking onto her.
I know what this is.
Just another bloody wind up, eh? You know, you lot, you're just jealous.
Jealous? What, cos you're hanging around with that prick? You see, I'm above it all.
But dragging Julie into it is bang out of order.
Scott, can I have a word, please, outside? Yeah, of course.
Mate, we are not lying.
How low are you gonna sink? Scott's right about you lot.
You're just bullies.
And I'm your Crystal Skull.
We only take the piss cos it's banter.
It's what we do.
It's not cos we hate you.
We look out for each other.
We don't.
We do.
I pretended to fancy a girl who stunk of Whiskas for him.
Right, so let me get this straight, you were using Glyn to get to me.
Yeah.
Right.
I mean why else would I be mates with that idiot? He's nice enough but, come on, he thought that zumba was a language.
Well, I just don't think I could be with someone who treated their mates like that.
Well he's not my mate.
Yeah, it's harsh, but the ends justify the means.
One day we're gonna look back on this and we are gonna laugh.
I wouldn't hurt him.
I'm not sure someone with three brain cells is capable of pain.
Can we have a drink to think about it inside? Yeah.
You all right, Glyn? What What what What's going on? Really? Ladies and gents, while you enjoy Warren's overly salted chips, here is a bonus question for you.
Which poncy prick, usually found in the leafier suburbs of south Manchester, would have a crack at his mate's girlfriend? - He ain't my mate.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! He is not worth it.
You can have a go but I do boxing twice a week.
So do I.
On an Xbox? Still boxing.
Normally I wouldn't be seen dead in a place like this with losers like you.
You cheeky bleeder.
Actually, forget what I said, he's totally worth it.
You got a fair old left hook on you, Glyn, mate.
Whoa, wait.
He's not done yet.
Weh-hey.
There we go.
In you go.
Come on, buddy.
Take him to Glasgow.
It's his stag do.
That's his wallet.
Take whatever you want out of there.
Right.
See you, Scott.
You slimy bastard.
See you.
I don't think it's broken.
Yeah, well, my heart might be.
You don't think I'd choose him over you, do you? You know those Indiana Jones films that you really like? Um, well, doesn't the girl always get a kiss at the end? Usually.
Apart from Last Crusade when she turns out to be a Nazi and then dies.
Oh, come here.
Whoo.
She'll do anything for those quiz answers, won't she? Right, who's after a round of drinks courtesy of Scott? Can't.
Sorry.
Where you going? Home.
Something's come up.
Go on, my son!