Grounded For Life (2001) s01e04 Episode Script

Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.
It's been Oh, a long time since my last confession.
Father: How long? Would you be mad if I said 10 years? Of course not.
Good, 'cause it's been 15.
Ooh.
See, I got my girlfriend pregnant in high school, and I know that's your classic confession situation, but then things got so crazy.
You know how it is with kids, and Ok, probably you don't.
What are you confessing? Ok, I'm not so much confessing as complaining.
You know sister sister Helen? You know, the principal over at the school? Well, I need an ally to help me defeat her.
We generally don't try to defeat nuns.
Well, it's because of her that my daughter can't even go to school anymore.
I mean, she has it out for all my kids, and they're not bad kids.
I mean, not like I was when I went to school there.
You know, one time, father, me and this buddy of mine, we let a goat loose during midnight mass.
Sean? Huh? Uh, no, no.
Sean? Sean finnerty? Tim? I don't believe it.
Oh, my god.
Remember? We were standing in the back and we were like, doo doo doo and the goat went down and father o'brien turned around and he went maaah! Maaah! I can't a priest? Come on, you were the one who thought of the goat.
Yeah.
Maaah! Ok, let's stop doing that.
Hey, lil.
Hi.
Why are you in your pajamas already? You mean, why am I in my pajamas still? You didn't go to school? I'm never going to school again.
I'm gonna sit on this couch and eat hot pockets for the rest of my life.
Like aunt Maureen.
Aunt Maureen would never fit on that couch.
Tomorrow I'm going to the animal shelter and getting a whole bunch of cats.
No.
Tomorrow, you're going to school.
I can't go back to school.
I'm despised.
All my friends hate me.
Well, school is not a popularity contest.
Yes, it is.
I know.
You just, what, sat around doing nothing all day? No.
I got an extension cord so I could move the microwave next to the couch.
Ah, my only friend is calling me.
Uh-uh.
Get all this stuff back up to your room.
Not the microwave.
Gross.
Hey, claud, claud, claud! Guess who the cat dragged in! Timmy sheehan? Oh, my god! Look at you, you son of a bitch! What have you been doing? I'm a priest.
The hell you are! Wow.
Let me get that.
How come nobody ever believes I'm a priest? Well, you didn't always act very priestly.
I know what you're saying.
Hey, hey, Tim, come on.
Relax.
Sit down.
Tim here is gonna help me get even with sister Helen.
Um, you know, when you phrase it like that, Sean, it kinda makes me feel uncomfortable.
Oh, man, we're gonna smite her! Ok, stop.
Look, Tim, you're gonna be so on our side when you hear what happened.
Lily, our daughter, she had a problem at school.
Incoming, babe.
Hello.
Aren't you going to ask me why I'm late? Are you late? I had detention, thank you.
Oh, man! God, not another meeting with sister Helen.
Another meeting? We tend to have a lot of meetings with sister Helen.
We'd just been there on account of Jimmy.
Jimmy has been extremely disruptive in class, and we're all a bit concerned.
Well, he's been just fine at home.
Yeah, totally normal.
Jimmy, tell them what you told your teacher.
I'm possessed by Satan! Possessed by Satan? Well, he's not really.
Good to know.
Jimmy's not the problem.
The problem is sister Helen's out to get Lily, and I just needed the proof.
She said my skirt's too short.
Well, is your skirt too short? Yes! Well? Everybody's skirt's short.
If I wore it their way, I'd be a total freak.
It's always the skirt! Don't those nuns have anything better to do? Wait a minute.
If everybody's skirt was too short, why is she singling you out? Because I'm not one of her little goody-goody princesses.
Lily.
I see that you haven't volunteered for the walk-a-thon.
That's right.
Well, you know we're going to use the money to buy a statue of Saint finian, so I was just wondering why you hadn't volunteered.
Tch.
Um, it's voluntary.
Well, yes, but we're strongly encouraging full participation.
So the voluntary walk-a-thon is mandatory? Ha ha.
Of course not.
We're not asking you to do anything you don't want to do.
We're just urging you to want to do this.
And I'd really like to want to.
I just don't.
You can't talk to a nun like that.
Come on, why not? They're people just like you and me.
Ok, they're nothing like you.
Yeah, I'd like a car stereo, but 40 bucks, how good could it be? Well, this guy doesn't have a store.
He passes the savings on to you.
Guys, guys.
Come on, come on, guys.
We have company.
Tim, you remember my dad and my brother Eddie? Timmy sheehan, a man of the cloth! Hey, Timmy.
How you doing? What, are you here to see Claudia? No! Didn't you guys have a thing in high school? I seem to recall the thing.
It wasn't a thing.
It was a hot thing.
You had a thing with a priest? It wasn't a thing and he wasn't a priest! A priest! I knew it.
But you said I wasn't possessed! You're not.
But why is a priest here? Jimmy, he's an old friend of ours Timmy.
You guys just go upstairs.
Go.
I can't be alone.
That's when the demons tell me to do things.
Ok.
Come on, go.
Go.
So why don't you tell the good father why your son's imaginary friend is named beelzebub? Dad, it's no big deal.
Henry, the little guy, he wanted to go to that movie where there's a pony who thinks he's a bird.
I'm gonna kill you.
I'm gonna kill you, and then I'm gonna kill myself.
Pony: Here I go! Bird: But your feathers are made of hay! Magic hay! I wish I had some magic hay.
I'll never be a bird! Do you like this movie? Oh, yeah.
I think it's great.
Ha ha ha ha! I think it sucks.
Thank god.
Let's go.
So where are we going? Let's sneak into the movie next door.
What was the movie next door? The exorcist.
Deep voice growling: Oooooohhh.
Henry: Wow! Her head goes all the way around Like an owl! Look! She can fly! Unlike that stupid pony.
Do you and Eddie ever think before you act? We were only at the movie for about a half an hour.
Can we at least turn off the light? No! Are we sure he isn't possessed? Yes.
Because, you know, sometimes it gets cold in here for no reason.
I turn the thermostat down.
But who's making you do it? Lily.
How about a little respect for the good father? Hot pocket, father? Father Tim is an old friend of the family's.
He knew you when you were just a bulge in your mother's graduation dress.
If you're here to get me to go back to school, you'd better act fast, 'cause in a couple of weeks, you're gonna have to take down a wall and use a forklift to get me out of this house.
Oh, man.
Did I not tell you? Sister Helen has done this to my baby girl.
Don't lie to a priest, honey.
The hem of the skirt may fall as many as but no more than 2 inches above the knee, provided that in the seated position the hem rises no more than one additional inch from that point.
Your daughter seems to have a problem with that.
Yes.
But let me assure you, we are taking steps to remedy the situation.
Well, I just hope these steps include buying a longer skirt.
Ok.
Time to leave.
What is it? Why do you have it out for me and my entire family? Sean I don't.
I treat all students equally.
And by the way, I would have it in for your entire family.
Excuse me? You said I have it out for your family.
The correct usage is in.
No, it's not.
It's out.
Out, as in you're out to get me.
You wouldn't say you're in to get me.
Mr.
finnerty, you didn't come here to argue semantics.
I didn't come here for it, but I'm staying for it.
Well, I can assure you that I don't have it in or out for Lily.
Her skirt was simply too short.
Oh, god, what is it with you nuns and your skirts? Mrs.
finnerty Guess what, lady.
Women have legs.
I have legs.
Get used to it! Yes, I can see your legs.
Mm-hmm.
And I have great legs.
And you can't keep me from showing 'em.
Ha ha! Look! Look at my legs! I have other matters to attend to.
Good evening.
Wrong again! It's good afternoon! Evening starts at 6:00! Ha ha ha! Burn! Ow! Well, it sounds like Lily's skirt was too short.
It's not that short.
The boys were looking at her with thoughts! Her skirts are no shorter than mine were.
Oh, yeah.
And you graduated magna cum baby.
I thought you looked terrific in those skirts.
Thanks.
Still dreaming of the one that got away, hey, padre? Come on! We went on a couple of dates! I'm sure you dated lots of girls after me, right? Actually, no.
You were my last.
You drove him to celibacy! Can we just try to stay on topic here, please? Yes, please.
So what happened? You bought Lily a longer skirt, and No, no.
Sister Helen was out to get my family, and I just had to get proof.
Oh, yeah.
That one right there.
Her skirt is much shorter than Lily's.
I'm on it.
Come on.
Hold on.
Come on, come on! Are you finished? Come on! There was dust! Where'd she go? She graduated.
God right there, right there, by the water fountain.
Perfect, perfect, perfect! All right.
I got it.
That skirt is shorter than Lily's.
What are you doin'? Oh, god, I should have gotten a disposable camera.
Those things are garbage.
You gimme, gimme, gimme! Ok.
Ok.
Oh, good.
Oh, that is Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Uh-huh.
Mm-hmm.
Oh.
We're just taking pictures of their skirts.
This isn't for us.
It's for a nun.
Doorbell! Somebody's at the door! Hey! Hey! Sean: Get off your lazy butt and answer the damn door! Hello, Brad.
Wow.
You look hot! Shut up.
I brought you your homework.
I'm not going to do my homework, Brad.
I'm never going to school again 'cause everybody there still hates me.
I stood up for you.
You did? I i wanted to! Hello, Brad.
Lily, I brought you some carrot sticks.
For the love of god, put down that fiddle faddle! No! Brad, take her outside for some fresh air.
Grandpa, I'm never leaving the house, just like aunt Maureen.
I'm even gonna buy my cat chow on the Internet.
Ohh.
You don't wanna go that way, Lily.
Some day your aunt Maureen is gonna die, and those cats are gonna eat her.
So it's kind of funny, isn't it, me being your last Temptation? Ha ha! Yeah! I mean, it wasn't me, right? I mean, there wasn't, like, a lack of Quality On my part, right? Claudia, that was 15 years ago.
I mean, you have a husband and kids now.
Ok, you're not answering my question.
Hey, Jimmy? Jimmy's not here! Ok, Satan is not speaking through you.
I just want to know what it's gonna sound like when he starts.
Hey.
This is kind of cool! Shut up! You're not possessed.
I am.
Um Have you tried talking to Jimmy about this? Oh, I tried, but it kind of backfired on me.
Ok, Jimmy, you're not possessed by Satan because there is no Satan.
My dad says there's no such thing as Satan, which means there's no such thing as hell, which means you can pretty much do whatever you want, so go right ahead! Sin all you like! And you wonder why sister Helen has it in for your family? Out.
She has it out for my family, and I couldn't have foreseen that.
And anything I did just made it worse Like the pictures.
There.
What? Open it.
These are photos of girls' legs.
And what do you see? I see a profoundly troubled young man.
No.
In the pictures.
Those are our plaid skirts.
Thank you, and the skirts are all 3 inches above their knees.
Not regulation, and yet only one student has been punished for that, and who is that? Lily finnerty? Aha! You've singled her out.
This is persecution.
You've turned my daughter into a martyr.
Mr.
finnerty, a martyr is someone who dies for their faith.
I mean, not literally a martyr.
I I don't even think she's figuratively a martyr.
Look.
Look.
That's not important.
The only thing that's important is that you admit you're wrong and you do something about it.
Very well, Mr.
finnerty.
It has come to my attention that I have been unfair.
I've punished one girl for breaking a rule when, in fact, all the girls have broken that rule.
If you cannot be trusted to wear your skirts at a length appropriate to your age, then perhaps you should dress like the younger girls do In the jumper, and for bringing this to my attention, I'd like to thank Lily finnerty.
Do you see what I'm up against? I had sister Helen dead to rights, and she still wouldn't admit she was wrong.
She's not wrong.
Nuns are made infallible by god.
That's the pope, and only if he's sitting in the chair of Saint Peter.
What, I can't know stuff? Come on.
We have an announcement to make.
Brad, get in here.
Since my academic career is over and, as a result, my life is pretty much ruined, I've made a decision.
Brad is going to ask me to marry him.
I am? Yes.
What? Hey, hey, h-h-h-hey, hey, congratulations.
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.
You are not gettin' married.
Why shouldn't I, dad? You've destroyed all my other choices in life, and you and mom have set a good example for me.
If I can't get a good education, I might as well get pregnant.
I'm gonna get you pregnant? Wipe that smirk off your face.
Tim, she's being dramatic.
No, I'm not.
You want to know what my life has become, thanks to the jumpers? Oh, my god.
Ha ha! You want to know why they call 'em jumpers? Follow me up to the roof, and I'll show you.
Relax.
Lily, we got father Tim, and he's gonna wage a holy war on our behalf.
Right, Tim? Sean, man, I want to help you.
I'd love to help you, but you just got to understand, you're so totally wrong.
I'm not wrong.
Face it.
To take her on, you have to have an airtight case, and frankly, your case sucks.
You can say "sucks"? I can't believe you're gonna take her side.
I'm sorry.
Yeah.
I'm sorry, too.
Sean.
Maaaaah? Maaaaah.
Ok.
Claudia, it was nice to see you.
Oh, it was good to see you, too.
That was awkward.
Yeah.
Ok.
Bye.
That was real smooth.
It wasn't on purpose.
Well, that worked out great, dad.
Look.
If you had not shortened your skirt, I would never have been involved.
Look, I was right, ok? I couldn't let sister Helen get away with it.
Do you know what your problem is? You just don't know when to give in.
You mean give up.
No, I mean give in, as in submit, make concessions, which is something you should have done.
No.
In this case, we're talking about surrendering, which is up, not in.
No, no, nope.
"In" is more precise.
Ok, then.
"In" yours.
Oh! Oh! God, will you two stop it? You are two of a kind.
That's so not that's so insulting, I Ok.
You're right.
I'm wrong.
Neither one of you have ridiculous authority problems, and neither one of you are unbearably stubborn.
Silly me.
I'm just gonna go upstairs and lengthen a skirt.
Uh, look, exorcism is not part of my training.
I, uh, I think it's kind of old school.
Come on, Tim.
You'll really be helping out our family.
Ok.
Uh, by the power vested in me by, uh The state of New York, I hereby request that Satan vacate this, you know, boy.
And here's the holy water.
Ah! It burns! Hey, that was my vodka.
Did it work? Has Satan left my body? Yeah.
He bolted.
Eddie, why don't you wash the holy water out of his eyes? Come on.
Come on.
It's all over.
It's all over now.
Well done, father.
I just threw vodka in a child's face.
Well, the lord works in mysterious ways.
So, what am I supposed to do? Just let sister Helen win? I know it's eatin' you.
Yeah.
Well, look.
I've found that in these kinds of situations that you have 2 choices, ok? You can do something destructive and vengeful and stupid, or you can just let it go, hmm? Yeah.
Whoo! Whoo! Ha ha! Ha ha! Hee hee! Did you get the mirrors? Both of 'em.
That's my girl.
Oh, god, I think I see her coming.
Come on.
Come on.
Tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk.
Look at her face.
Look at her face.
So are we gonna set a date or what? Brad, we're not getting married.
I was using you.
That's ok.
You can go home now.
Call me.
No.
Ok.
I can't believe you.
We have a little conflict at the school, and you handle it with toilet paper and shaving cream.
Oh, yeah, and you handled it so well.
"Look at my legs, my beautiful legs.
Whoo!" You wish you had my legs.
Father Tim wishes he had your legs.
Shut up! Ha ha!