Guillermo del Toro's Cabinet of Curiosities (2022) s01e04 Episode Script
The Outside
1
[mysterious music playing]
Late-night TV.
Images and voices in the dark.
In our head.
An electronic cabinet of curiosities,
blurring the line between what is outside
and what is inside.
What we are,
and what we are told we should be.
Perfection is but a toll-free number away,
and this cabinet
is controlled by a magic wand
made of cheap plastic and numbers.
It fits right in your hand,
and it is hard to let go.
Our story today is "The Outside,"
and its director, Ana Lily Amirpour.
[music builds to sweeping string melody]
["Ode To Joy" playing]
[bird caws]
[jazzy music plays on radio]
["Ode To Joy" continues]
[beeping]
[sizzling]
- [music halts]
- [TV] Ho-ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas!
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
Ho-ho-ho!
Oh! Oh.
[man] I love the kit,
because it's just a fat, juicy steak
that cooks up beautifully on the grill,
and you can marinate it
or use a classic Santa Maria rub
common in women ages 65 and up.
Change in appetite, hand tremors,
dry mouth, increased thirst,
increased urination,
and lots of sexual urges common
[man] If you dare
to discover your destiny,
call 1-900-860-all ones now,
as noted author and numerologist
Jean Simpson
reveals the hidden meaning of the tarot.
[woman] Your mind holds limitless powers.
You're the right person at the right place
at the right time
- [thud]
- [woman] doing the right thing.
Call now! Romance is in the stars.
[man] You'll never know
unless you call now.
Call 1-900-860-1111 now
[volume reduces]
[metal clanks]
[breathes heavily]
[thudding]
[creaking and thudding]
[low rumbling]
Did you see anyone?
[thudding]
[door slams]
[door creaks]
[dial tone]
[dial-pad tones beep]
[line rings]
[click]
Glen Ellyn Police Department,
this is Officer Chapman.
Keith, there was that noise again.
What are you doing up, Stace?
- What if someone's in the house?
- There's no one in the house.
Can you say the thing?
The house makes noise at night.
It's just an old house.
And every time there's a noise,
has there ever been a stranger inside?
Never.
Never.
Okay.
Get some sleep, hon, okay?
All right, see you in the morning.
What if this time
there is someone in the house? What if
[jaunty plucked string music playing]
[distant bird caws]
[unsettling string music playing]
[woman] I don't get it.
Twenty-five grand on liposuction,
she's still eating donuts.
I mean, hello?
It's one or the other, sweetheart.
You know her husband
is fucking that Nancy girl, right?
Mm, well, he always stares at my tits
when he comes in here,
so I am not surprised.
Nancy who?
You know Nancy,
that little whore with the ass implants.
- So sad.
- Mmm.
- She's on Xanax 24/7 now.
- I'm sure.
She can't even keep her eyes open,
and that's not the worst part.
He left her for a teenager
that he met on a cruise.
- Oh my God, scumbag!
- Mm-hmm.
- A masseuse.
- Yeah. Can you imagine?
[sighs] When Peter leaves me,
I'm gonna cut off his balls.
[woman 1] Oh!
I'm gonna take the house,
half his retirement,
and he is gonna be eating
frozen dinners and Viagra
trying to keep up with his new girlfriend.
- Hey, ladies.
- Oh hey, Cassidy!
Hi, Cassidy.
Hey.
Yes.
Did you guys see that?
She always looks at my tits!
I think she's a lesbian.
- I don't mind. I mean, I have great tits.
- You do.
I mean, you really do.
- They look amazing, honey.
- They're perky.
[woman 2] Yes!
I was at the Jensens' party,
and you know, Sam, he hit on me.
- [woman 3] Come on!
- [woman 1] Mm-hmm!
Well, he had a few martinis,
he unzipped his pants, and he showed me.
[chuckles]
Yes.
[tense, plodding string music playing]
[chit-chat continues indistinctly]
[cream squelches]
Hey, Stacey.
Oh, hey.
- I didn't know you were still here.
- Yeah, can't forget this.
Here. Last pick.
Last pick?
Secret Santa.
For Gina's party tomorrow?
You're the last pick.
Oh.
This one's for you, Stacey.
- It's for me?
- Mm-hmm.
Okay. [chuckles]
Well, here we go. [chuckles]
Okay. I'll see you at the party.
And, uh, don't work too late, okay?
Will do.
See you at the party!
["Organ Fugue BWV 542"
by the Swingle Singers playing]
Ba-da-da-da-da ♪
Da da-da-da-da-da ♪
Ba-da-da-da-da ♪
Da da-ba da-ba da-ba da-ba ♪
Ba-da da-ba-da-ba da ♪
Ba-da da ♪
[quacking]
[gunshot]
[song continues]
[squelches]
[squelches]
[hairdryer whirs]
[song fades out, echoes]
- Hey, hon.
- Hey.
Guess who got invited
to a Secret Santa at Gina Kapov's house?
Gina?
Uh
- She's the one with the crazy dog?
- Yeah, but it's Gina Kapov.
- I thought you hated those women.
- Hated? What are you talking about?
Well
I mean, you've been
working there a long time,
and they just now invite you to a party?
Seems rude.
It's just women, you know?
Takes a while for certain women
to invite someone like me.
Oh, what do you mean, "someone like you"?
Eh, you know, I'm just me.
I don't match.
Yeah.
And thank God you don't, Stace.
Hey, listen to me.
It's different now.
She invited me to her Secret Santa,
and I'm just dying
to see the inside of her house.
I bet it's magnificent.
I bet it's like a catalog.
I mean, her whole life is like a catalog.
Um, she's got the most beautiful skin,
and her hair is always so shiny,
and she could walk into a room
and make friends with anyone, you know?
Imagine that. [chuckles]
You walked into a room
and made friends with me, didn't cha?
- Yeah, look at him, huh?
- [beeping]
He's a beaut.
Mm-hmm.
[Keith] You hungry?
I'm gonna eat the rest of these wings.
Poker's on.
No, I gotta finish him.
Jingle bell, jingle bell ♪
Okay.
[TV] Three clubs out there.
Jingle bells chime in jingle bell time
Dancin' and ♪
[TV] The turn card is the three of clubs.
That gives Martini the gutshot.
[singing along with radio]
In the frosty air ♪
What a bright time
It's the right time ♪
To rock the night away ♪
Jingle bell time is a swell time ♪
To go glidin' in a one-horse sleigh ♪
Giddy-up jingle horse ♪
[doorbell chimes a tune]
[dog barks]
[dog continues barking]
[Gina] Delilah! Delilah!
No, no. No, no, no, no! No, no, no!
Stop it. You're being
Stop, stop, stop it!
Oh, I know, it is exciting, okay. It's
Come on in, come on in.
She's never like this. I'm so sorry.
You are going to the basement. Come on!
- But then
- Mm.
he pulls his pants down
and whips out this huge dick.
- [women chuckling]
- And we are talking huge.
- How huge?
- I mean, this is huge.
How huge?
I might end up in the emergency room.
And that is the upside
of getting divorced.
Getting away from that boring little dick
I was married to.
[laughter]
- Now cheers to that.
- Yes indeed.
- Cheers.
- Yay.
Cheers.
[laughter]
Mmm!
Well, ever since Peter
started taking those antidepressants,
his dick is like a wet spaghetti noodle.
- Oh no.
- Yeah, he can't even get it in.
Ugh, that is the worst!
Spaghetti-noodle dick is absolutely
- Oh, it's tragic.
- the worst.
Yeah. Well, he can't get hard,
so he just has me
put the vibrator up his ass.
You put it in his Like, in his
In his ass.
- And he likes it?
- [Gina] Of course he likes it, Lisa.
I mean, they all do.
Wouldn't let my husband near mine.
Mm-mm.
Well, Peter's obsessed with mine.
Well, I'm obsessed
with my vibrator, too, so
Yeah, well, I only wish
I found mine in my twenties. [chuckles]
That and fillers. Am I right?
[Lisa] Oh, preach!
Oh my God, that filler look
is so hot right now.
Yeah, Gina, your skin looks amazing.
You're doing something new. What is it?
Oh, that's so sweet. [chuckles]
Okay, you all need
to see Dr. Ramesh. Really.
He's got these new Ruboderm fillers,
and it's like a baby's butt.
- [Lisa] Right on.
- I love fillers. Yeah.
Yeah, I'm gonna have my facelift,
and then I am gonna file for divorce.
The thing to do
is get, like, a mini facelift,
or like a planar facelift.
So that is when they go in under the skin,
and they take the tissue
right close to the muscle,
and they just pull it tight like this.
[Gina] So good.
- It's 25,000, right?
- [Lisa] 25,000.
- 25,000?
- I'm on the waitlist.
- You're on the waitlist?
- Yeah, I'm on the waitlist.
I'm gonna be like Yeah.
Anyway, ladies, it is time
for our not-so-Secret Santa!
[all cheer excitedly]
[screams]
Sit, sit, sit. Everybody sit.
Sit, sit!
I thought it was a
I thought it was a Secret Santa.
- [Cassidy] I don't know.
- [women whoop]
- I thought it was a Secret Santa.
- No, it's not.
[Gina] Okay,
I know what you all wanted, so Jill.
- [Jill] Thank you!
- It's not a secret?
[Jill] Thank you.
I mean, we already know
what everybody wants, so
- Kathy.
- Thank you. Thank you.
Are we excited? So, Jill
Thank you. Thank you.
- Yes, and Cassidy.
- Thank you.
Oh, you're welcome,
and this one's for Lisa.
Love you.
Oh my gosh, look at this wrapping!
And this one's for you, Stacey.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Thanks, Gina.
["Lui E Lei" by Perio Umiliani playing]
'Kay. Open them, open 'em already!
[women squeal]
[laughs]
- Oh my goodness, I love this stuff.
- Oh, no.
[excited laughter]
You're welcome!
- [woman 1] Gina!
- [woman 2] Thank you!
[Kathy] Oh! You found it!
- [Jill] Have you tried this before?
- [Kathy] No. I've seen the commercials
I love this.
- Oh, okay.
- Amazing.
- It's that
- [both] Alo Glo.
[laughs]
Yeah, yeah, I know.
Anyway, it's so expensive,
and you can't get it anywhere,
so you're welcome, everybody!
[Kathy] having an orgasm.
So beautiful, I know.
It's so incredible. I know.
[Stacey] This one's for you, Gina.
Oh!
[clears throat]
- That is huge.
- Wow.
That is huge. I know all about the huge.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- It's all about the huge.
- What is in the huge box?
Okay.
[women chanting]
Open it, open it, open it!
Open it, open it!
[excited giggling]
- Open it!
- Okay! [chuckles]
[inhales deeply] I guess I'll open it!
Oh, what is it in here?
Oh, I don't
I don't quite know what to, um
- say or
- Hey, I'll help ya.
- He's not gonna hurt ya.
- do.
- [Gina clears her throat]
- [gasps]
- Is it real?
- Oh yeah, it's real.
- Here.
- [exhales]
- You killed this thing?
- Well, yeah, I shot him.
And then I skinned him, and I, you know,
took out his insides so he wouldn't rot,
and then, you know,
you just wash 'em up real good,
and then, you know, I sewed him back up.
Oh, but the insides
are just Styrofoam and some wires.
That's really Oh, and the eyes
are really cool glass beads.
Right. Okay.
You can love him forever.
It's Okay.
Okay. [laughs softly] Um
[tuts]
- Thank you, Stacey.
- You're welcome.
[tuts, inhales]
I think I'm just gonna put him
right back here in his his house,
and cover him up.
- [softly] Oh my God, that's disgusting.
- Mm.
[Gina clears her throat] Just get him
out of the way a little. [chuckles]
- [Gina] Stick him a bit out of the way.
- [Kathy] That's a good idea, G.
[Gina] Um
- Unusual.
- [whispers] Wow, that's very unusual.
How about that glow, ladies?
- [cheering]
- [Gina] I mean, come on!
It's so expensive,
and they rarely have it in stock.
- [Jill] You can't get it anywhere.
- [Gina] I know!
- [Kathy] Where did you get it?
- [Gina] I'm not telling! I am
["Fugue A La Gigue"
by The Swingle Singers playing]
Ba-ba-da ba-ba-ba-da-da ♪
Ba-ba ba-dum ♪
It's kinda scientific.
[song continues]
[women continue chattering]
[Gina] The deeper you rub it
[cream squelches]
[Cassidy] Oh, wow, okay.
[Kathy] Do you feel that?
[Kathy] Amazing.
Oh my gosh. Yeah.
Wow. Wow.
So soothing!
You feel that?
Yeah, I feel it. It's really warm.
Oh shit.
S Stacey, your your face.
- What?
- [Gina gasps]
- Oh.
- [Stacey] It's It's It's warm.
Yeah, no, it's red.
- Your skin is red.
- Oh my God.
- What?
- [Cassidy] Your skin is red.
- It's red?
- [Kathy] It's really red. It's gross.
- [Lisa] Yeah.
- It's bad?
- Yeah.
- It's not good.
- It's bad. It's angry.
- It's pretty bad.
Oh my God.
- [Stacey] Is it
- Like a rash.
[dramatic stinger]
Thanks for the ice pack.
I'll bring it to the bank.
[Gina] Oh, no.
No, no, no. You keep it.
Sorry I ruined everything.
[Gina] Really, you didn't. It It's fine.
Look, it's so cold. Go home.
[disconcerting music playing]
Merry Chris tmas.
I think you're allergic, hon.
Of course I have to be allergic
to the best lotion in the world.
If it was the best lotion in the world,
it wouldn't do that to your face now,
would it?
It doesn't do this to anybody else's face.
Well, you're sensitive.
You have sensitive skin, Stace.
You remember that lavender perfume
you wanted for Christmas last year?
The one that made your neck all splotchy.
It's just me.
I have a bad face.
A stupid, ugly, bad face.
'Ey.
Enough o' that.
[plucky string music playing]
[slurps]
[snoring]
[snoring continues]
[singers drone eerie notes]
[cream squelches]
[mysterious string music playing]
[eerie notes continue]
- [man 1 on TV] Morning, girl.
- [cow moos]
[man] Ah, look at me.
[man 2] The Zippo Hand Warmer. Be
[cheering on TV]
[man 3]
You don't have to go under the knife
to achieve perfection.
Just use Alo Glo.
Transform yourself
from ugly duckling to stunning swan,
starting at just 199.99.
Alo Glo can fix it all.
Call the number on your screen now.
Alo Glo is the only skincare product
that transforms your body, mind, and soul.
Whether you want porcelain skin,
you want to turn heads,
you want to fit in,
or just make sure those ladies at the bank
never laugh at you again.
You know how they look at you.
Or should I say,
how they don't look at you.
Let's fix it.
What the heck is happening?
Come on, Stacey.
Isn't this what you've always wanted?
Why be the odd duck out
when you can join the flock?
Call the number on your screen now.
- [woman on TV] Side effects may include
- This is crazy.
change of mood, stiff joints,
hallucinations, fear of intimacy,
internal emptiness, lack of ambition,
lack of individualization,
lack of independent thought and opinion.
- You may experience
- [chuckling] What is this?
[woman] activities
previously considered pleasurable.
But it's all worth it.
[giggles] This is so stupid!
What is this?
What's so funny, Stacey?
No, I I'm not talking to the TV.
You're not talking to a TV.
You're talking to me.
I can give you the brand-new you,
and that's not all.
I can give you peace of mind.
I can get you a seat at the table.
Alo Glo can fix you,
and that's a guarantee.
I see the Alo Glo right there
on the table in front of you,
but I don't see you using it.
[Stacey scoffs]
I already used it, and it didn't work.
I mean, look at me. I'm all red.
Well, you have to use the whole bottle,
and you're gonna need more.
You want a full body transformation,
don't you?
Yeah, but it stings.
It's making me all itchy.
Of course it stings.
It hurts when it works.
Skin itches when it is healing.
The more it itches,
the more healing it is doing.
You have a lot of healing to do, Stacey.
Just pick up the phone.
Think about it, Stacey.
It's such a shame to have to be you,
because you're not someone
anyone wants to have around.
You're not someone anyone wants to see.
But soon, you will be the things
you always dreamed of.
True acceptance, harmony,
peace, and divinity.
All that stuff is a lie.
We all just wanna be good-looking.
So now step across to the other side,
step out of your skin,
and into your Alo Glo.
[woman on phone]
Enter your credit card number.
[man on TV] Harnessing the power
of retinol and peptides
that work deep within the dermal layer,
promoting
[woman on phone] Thank you for your order.
We look forward
to meeting the brand-new you.
[man on TV] tells your body
to make a new you.
Remember, it doesn't work
if you don't use it.
["Ode To Joy" playing]
[snoring]
[birds sing]
[Keith snores]
- [banging on door]
- [doorbell rings]
["Ode To Joy" continues]
[Keith snores]
["Ode To Joy" vocals distort, echo]
[jolly cartoon music plays on TV]
Stace?
Did I hear a knock?
Hey, aren't you supposed to be at work?
I called in sick.
Oh.
Whoa, your face!
It's not that bad.
Yeah.
It looks pretty bad.
Mostly just itches now.
I don't think you should use
that lotion anymore.
It's a process.
It's healing when it itches.
You know how much money
they make off all those creams
and powders and lotions?
All from making you think
that there's somethin' wrong with you.
Something is wrong with me.
There's nothin' wrong with you.
Nothin' at all.
If there's somethin' wrong with you,
well, there's somethin' wrong with me too.
No.
You're fine.
You'll always be fine. You wanna know why?
'Cause you're a man.
Men can be fat and hairy and ugly
and impolite and old, and nobody cares.
Everybody likes you.
Everybody wants to talk to you.
Yeah, well,
I don't wanna talk to everyone.
I just wanna talk to you.
That's nice. Really great.
'Preciate it, honey.
But I am changing.
It is happening.
So please be supportive.
"Be supportive."
That's what I said.
I said, "Be supportive."
Hmm.
Just try not to scratch it, hon.
[dramatic cartoon music playing]
[door closes]
- [cream squelches]
- [cartoon music continues]
[music fades]
[cream continues squelching]
[mysterious plucked string music playing]
[woman on TV]
Get your muscles smarter and stronger
with the Full Fit fitness machine.
Other smart gyms can't do
what Full Fit can do.
The only tonal machine that is compact,
convenient, and customized
[woman 2] in a 14-karat
[man] He's an industrious mammal.
The beaver constantly
repairing the leaks in his dam.
[man 2] The ancient secrets of
the mystic tarot foreshadow your future.
If you dare to discover your destiny,
call 1-900-860-all ones now,
as noted author and numerologist
Alo Glo is the only skincare product
that transforms your body, mind, and soul.
Whether you want porcelain skin,
you want to turn heads,
or just reverse the aging process,
Alo Glo does it all,
and it's only 299.99.
Call the number on your screen now.
What are you waiting for?
Make your dreams a reality.
It's quick. It's easy.
Invest in yourself.
[Keith snores]
[Keith] Mm.
Sweetie.
You're scratchin'.
You're scratchin' in your sleep.
You gotta stop.
Oh, it's getting really raw.
Stop.
He says it's working.
If it itches, it means it's working.
Mm-hmm.
Go downstairs and get the oven mitts.
Wear 'em to bed.
[clock ticks]
[TV buzzes]
[Alo Glo man] Yoo-hoo!
Hello?
Hello again, Stacey.
It's good to see you.
Come closer.
Closer.
Come, let me see your progress.
[Stacey chuckles]
It's not much progress.
Look, it's actually way worse.
Keith says that I'm allergic.
No, no, no. You're not allergic.
It's doing its job.
You need to let it grow.
Let what grow?
The new you.
But you have to trust me.
You have to trust the formula.
And I feel that maybe you don't trust me.
No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Hold on, come back.
Hold on!
Please come back!
Hello?
- Hello?
- [TV buzzes]
You know what trust is, Stacey?
Yeah.
Give me your hand.
[soft crackling]
You know, you have to go all the way.
Any questions?
Will it hurt?
You tell me.
Does it hurt when they exclude you?
When they stare at you?
When they point and laugh and whisper?
Yeah.
You want to know
what it feels like to be pretty?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Are you with me, Stacey?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, you're with me.
- I'm with you.
- You're with me. That's great.
- I'm with you. [chuckles]
- That's great.
You are ready, Stacey. You're ready.
You're ready to harness
the power of retinol and peptides.
Let it in, Stacey.
It's already inside you.
What's inside me?
Your new life, the one you want.
It's already growing, right there,
under your skin.
[chuckles softly]
It's under my skin?
Use more Alo Glo.
[mysterious music playing]
[lids click]
[cream squelches]
[jarring string melody playing]
[Keith snores]
[Keith] Mm.
[disturbing orchestral music playing]
[Keith snores]
Keith?
[Keith] Mm?
Can you stay home from work tomorrow?
[groggily] No. You know I can't do that.
- [singers drone eerie notes]
- [orchestral music continues]
[cream continues squelching]
[shrill discordant violin notes play]
[Keith] Stace?
You home?
Stace?
You hungry?
[chuckles]
Ah.
[beep]
Ah!
[exhales, laughs]
[beeping]
[sizzling]
[laughs]
[man] Be one of the lucky callers
[man 2] That's it.
That's the way they
Stace?
- [man 2] You owe me six bits.
- [man 3] Wait a minute.
One-Eyed Jacks is on.
[Keith] Honey?
[laughs softly]
[television continues indistinctly]
[Stacey] I'll come down,
but please don't say anything,
because I already know
what you're gonna say.
Okay.
[man on TV]
You get up, you big tub of guts.
[woman on TV]
¡Quítate tú o te mato a ti también!
¡Los mato! ¡Los mato esta vez!
[gunshots on TV]
It's healing.
It's not healing.
Hon, it's getting worse.
We gotta go see Dr. Sneider.
Oh, no, no, no. I I feel fine. Really.
Yeah, it's
This is just part of the process.
It gets worse before it gets better.
[chuckles] It's not an allergic reaction
like you thought.
That's the thing. It's
It's in my skin. It's growing.
- That's how it works.
- Stacey.
- It's working.
- Are you hearing yourself?
I can feel it working. [exhales]
Why can't you just be excited for me, huh?
You know, I
This is what's gonna fix me.
It's transformative!
You don't need to be fixed.
You just don't understand how it works.
There's peptides and retinol.
It's a groundbreaking
patented six-ingredient formula.
Have you had anything to eat today, hon?
Huh?
Have a pig in a blanket.
Come on.
[man 1 on TV] How'd it happen?
[man 2] We took to scufflin',
and he come out from behind there
with that scattergun.
Yeah.
Yeah.
See?
That's better.
[man 2] He was always askin' for it.
You You gotta
You gotta put your worries down sometimes.
Huh?
There's nothing wrong with you.
You are lovely.
Inside and out.
When you say "inside,"
it means I'm not lovely on the outside.
No, the
You are.
It You're lovely everywhere.
Then why do I want
to take off all of my skin
and throw it in the garbage?!
[tense string music playing]
- Where are you goin'?
- I'm going downstairs!
You better not use more o' that stuff.
I mean it, Stace!
[door creaks]
[footsteps]
[squelching]
[curious plinking music playing]
Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Doo doo-doo ♪
- [singing continues]
- [enchanting music playing]
[faint rumbling]
[rumbling continues]
[squelching]
[singer drones low notes]
[man on TV] How'd you find me here?
What in the hell?
- [woman on TV] I don't know how
- Are you kiddin' me?
What in the world has gotten into you?!
No.
[inhales] I'm so excited.
I've never felt better.
- This isn't you, Stace.
- You shouldn't judge people, Keith.
It's negative and mean.
[man on TV] I'll figure that out when
No.
You are Stacey Elizabeth Chapman.
You know what I love about you?
You love to watch scary movies.
Even though you're too scared to watch,
'cause then you can't sleep at night.
You're so smart.
You're so good at math.
And you love nature.
You love your taxidermy.
Hmm?
You're an artist.
When other people see a dead animal,
you see somethin' special.
Somethin' beautiful.
You make it beautiful.
You're kind.
And funny.
And thoughtful.
And I think you're perfect.
That's what's wrong with you, Keith.
Enough!
You are gonna stop
this nonsense right now.
You hear me?
It's just that you don't understand
what is happening to me.
'Cause I'm tired, and I've had enough.
[inhales raspingly] It's too late, Keith.
She's already here!
Who?
Who is here?
Who is here?
Once my transformation is complete
Enough!
Okay, just calm down.
There's no transformation!
Okay. Okay.
It's just that
you're not gonna change, are you?
And you don't want me to change either.
Do you?
I don't want you to change.
That's what I've been trying to tell you
until I'm blue in the face.
- [Stacey strains] Dah!
- Agh!
Ah
Ah.
Ohhh. Oh.
Huh
What the fuck, Stace?
Oh.
You stabbed me in the face.
How deep is it?
Huh?
Hon
I'm sorry.
Should I pull it out?
I'm gonna pull it out.
Okay.
Ah.
- Oh, jeez. Oh.
- Oh, I'm bleedin'.
Oh no. Oh no.
Is it bad?
Yeah, it's pretty bad, honey.
[Keith panting]
Oh.
It's on my It's on my glasses.
Hon, this is this is real bad.
This is real bad. I
I need a I need a towel.
- Will you go get me a towel, hon?
- Yeah.
Huh?
[Stacey] Okay.
Oh. I'll use my radio.
Yeah, okay.
[radio beeps, crackles]
Dispatch? Dispatch?
- [man on radio] Copy, Chapman, go ahead.
- This I
This is Officer Chapman.
I have a 10-33
- [thud]
- Ah!
- [Stacey inhales]
- Ah.
Please respond, Chapman.
- [Keith] Oh.
- [Stacey] Oh.
Line's open. Go ahead, Chapman, please.
- Ah.
- [Stacey] Mm.
Agh.
- Somethin' fell on me, hon.
- [Stacey groans]
Line's open. Go ahead, Chapman.
[Stacey strains]
- [thud]
- Agh. Huh.
Oh.
[grunts]
[laughs]
[strains]
Dah!
- [Stacey breathes heavily]
- [Keith groans]
[Stacey strains]
[Stacey continues breathing heavily
and grunting]
[banging on TV]
Now let's see the kind of stuff
you're made of.
[exhales]
[simple plucked string music playing]
[singer drones low notes]
[mysterious orchestral music builds]
[creature squelches]
[deep rumbling]
[creature squelches and drips]
Wha
Huh.
[Stacey grunts]
Oh.
[squelches]
Oh.
[breathes shakily]
Oh. [chuckles]
Ah.
Ah.
Ah.
Oh. Oh!
Ah. Oh!
Ahh!
Oh. Oh.
Ah.
Oh.
[moans]
Oh! Oh!
Oh-ah!
[breathes heavily]
[laughs]
Ah.
[chuckles] Oh!
Ah. [chuckles]
Ah.
Oh. [chuckles]
Oh.
[deep rumbling]
[distant bird squawks]
- [rumbling]
- [squelching]
["You Sexy Thing" by Caleb Hawley playing]
I believe in miracles ♪
Where you from ♪
Uh, you sexy thing? ♪
You sexy thing, you ♪
I believe in miracles ♪
Ah.
Since you came along ♪
You sexy thing, you ♪
Mmm ♪
Mm-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Mmm ♪
Mm-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
[sighs, chuckles]
Where did you come from, baby? ♪
How did you know ♪
I needed you? ♪
How did you know ♪
[Stacey] Look, look! Look, look, look!
Keith, look!
Look, look! I told you, look, look!
Look at me!
See?
my heart gladly ♪
Yesterday ♪
I was one of the lonely people ♪
[Stacey strains]
Now you're lying close to me ♪
Making love to me-ee-ay ♪
I believe in miracles ♪
[Stacey] Mmm.
Hoo-ah-ooh ♪
Where you from ♪
Hoo ♪
You sexy thing? ♪
Ah-ah ♪
I believe in miracles ♪
Hey, yeah ♪
Since you came along ♪
[exhales raspingly]
You sexy thing, you ♪
Oh-oh-oh ♪
Mmm ♪
Mm-doo-doo ba-dum ♪
Mmm ♪
Mmm ♪
Mm-doo-doo ba-dum ♪
Where did you come from, baby? ♪
Mmm ♪
How did you know ♪
I'd be the one? ♪
Did you know ♪
You're everything I'd prayed for? ♪
Did you know ♪
Every night and day for? ♪
Every day ♪
Needing love as satisfaction ♪
Now you're lying next to me ♪
Givin' it to me ♪
Oh, I believe in ♪
Bye, hon. Have a great day.
Where you from, babe? ♪
You sexy thing ♪
You sexy thing ♪
I believe in miracles ♪
Hoo, yeah ♪
Since you came along ♪
You sexy thing ♪
You sexy thing ♪
[frantic cartoon music playing]
[disconcerting string music playing]
No, no, you're not listening to me.
Okay? He needs a father that talks to him
about what he's going through.
Yeah, 'cause that's a father's job.
Uh-huh! Yeah.
gery and it went wrong.
- No!
- Yeah.
Basically he doesn't have a dick anymore.
Tell me how you feel.
Yeah, no, it's not therapy. It's just
Wh What's wrong with Mr. Rogers?
You know what?
Don't be so fucking primitive.
[laughing] Oh, yes, you are.
Oh-ho.
Miss Chapman?!
Good morning, Ronnie.
- You look sensational!
- Oh, thank you.
- [Jill] God!
- [Kathy] Are you seeing what I'm seeing?
Is that Stacey?
- I'll call you later.
- [Kathy] You seeing what I'm seeing?
I don't know. What are you seeing?
That's what I just asked you.
Oh my God.
[Stacey clears throat]
It's like when you're in the desert,
and, like,
you're really hot and dehydrated,
and this thing appears before you
- It's a mirage, it's a mirage.
- It's like a mirage.
[Kathy whispers]
We're not in the desert, Jill.
She's an angel.
Oh, wow.
Hi, ladies.
[women, chummily] Hi!
Bum-bum, ba-da ba-da ba-dum ♪
Oh my God, you smell so good.
She smells so good.
- Wow.
- It's so exciting!
- Oh my God, it's so exciting.
- [Kathy] You look gorgeous.
Just unreal.
[women whisper excitedly]
- It's not the way she regularly smells.
- Ah.
This is just so strange.
[Gina] Stacey, hi.
[Kathy] Hi.
Hi, Gina.
Did you get something done?
I sure did.
- I changed my hair. It's shorter.
- Oh!
- Do you like it?
- You look amazing.
- Mm, I do, don't I?
- Yes.
Like, so amazing.
- [Stacey] Mmm.
- [Gina] How did you, um
Um
I mean, it's just it's it's it's so
- Different?
- Different, yes, it's different.
It's different.
Yeah, I mean you look really
I look really
what?
Tell me.
You look
really beautiful.
- Yeah.
- Aw.
[all chuckle]
Thank you! [laughs]
- Like, I mean, it's surreal.
- So hard to
You can look closer if you want.
Just get a really close look.
Okay.
Is this new?
No, I've always had it. Do you like it?
Yeah.
[Kathy] Hm. Mmm. Mm-hmm.
[chuckles]
So, did you hear
Donald Crenshaw got a DUI?
He drove his car into a snowbank.
Oh my God, his poor wife
must be so embarrassed.
Please. She is no saint.
Yeah, no,
Judy's a total lush, a day drinker.
Glug-glug. Oh yeah.
Always has schnapps on her breath
when she's cashing her checks.
Secondhand schnapps.
Well, speaking of schnapps,
we should all go to Giuseppe's for drinks.
Yeah! Happy hour!
They make the best gimlets.
- They do, yeah.
- Yeah.
You're gonna love it, Stacey.
They have a Cobb salad to die for.
I love Cobb salad.
Mmm.
[all chuckle]
[laughs energetically]
[all laugh]
["Ode To Joy" playing]
[women continue chortling]
I believe in miracles ♪
["You Sexy Thing" by Zella Day playing]
Where you from ♪
You sexy thing? ♪
I believe in miracles ♪
[continues laughing]
You sexy thing ♪
Where did you come from, baby? ♪
How did you know I needed you? ♪
How did you know
I needed you so badly? ♪
How did you know
I'd give my heart gladly? ♪
Yesterday
I was one of the lonely people ♪
Now you're lying close to me ♪
Making love to me, oh ♪
I believe in miracles ♪
[creepy theme music playing]
[mysterious music playing]
Late-night TV.
Images and voices in the dark.
In our head.
An electronic cabinet of curiosities,
blurring the line between what is outside
and what is inside.
What we are,
and what we are told we should be.
Perfection is but a toll-free number away,
and this cabinet
is controlled by a magic wand
made of cheap plastic and numbers.
It fits right in your hand,
and it is hard to let go.
Our story today is "The Outside,"
and its director, Ana Lily Amirpour.
[music builds to sweeping string melody]
["Ode To Joy" playing]
[bird caws]
[jazzy music plays on radio]
["Ode To Joy" continues]
[beeping]
[sizzling]
- [music halts]
- [TV] Ho-ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas!
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
Ho-ho-ho!
Oh! Oh.
[man] I love the kit,
because it's just a fat, juicy steak
that cooks up beautifully on the grill,
and you can marinate it
or use a classic Santa Maria rub
common in women ages 65 and up.
Change in appetite, hand tremors,
dry mouth, increased thirst,
increased urination,
and lots of sexual urges common
[man] If you dare
to discover your destiny,
call 1-900-860-all ones now,
as noted author and numerologist
Jean Simpson
reveals the hidden meaning of the tarot.
[woman] Your mind holds limitless powers.
You're the right person at the right place
at the right time
- [thud]
- [woman] doing the right thing.
Call now! Romance is in the stars.
[man] You'll never know
unless you call now.
Call 1-900-860-1111 now
[volume reduces]
[metal clanks]
[breathes heavily]
[thudding]
[creaking and thudding]
[low rumbling]
Did you see anyone?
[thudding]
[door slams]
[door creaks]
[dial tone]
[dial-pad tones beep]
[line rings]
[click]
Glen Ellyn Police Department,
this is Officer Chapman.
Keith, there was that noise again.
What are you doing up, Stace?
- What if someone's in the house?
- There's no one in the house.
Can you say the thing?
The house makes noise at night.
It's just an old house.
And every time there's a noise,
has there ever been a stranger inside?
Never.
Never.
Okay.
Get some sleep, hon, okay?
All right, see you in the morning.
What if this time
there is someone in the house? What if
[jaunty plucked string music playing]
[distant bird caws]
[unsettling string music playing]
[woman] I don't get it.
Twenty-five grand on liposuction,
she's still eating donuts.
I mean, hello?
It's one or the other, sweetheart.
You know her husband
is fucking that Nancy girl, right?
Mm, well, he always stares at my tits
when he comes in here,
so I am not surprised.
Nancy who?
You know Nancy,
that little whore with the ass implants.
- So sad.
- Mmm.
- She's on Xanax 24/7 now.
- I'm sure.
She can't even keep her eyes open,
and that's not the worst part.
He left her for a teenager
that he met on a cruise.
- Oh my God, scumbag!
- Mm-hmm.
- A masseuse.
- Yeah. Can you imagine?
[sighs] When Peter leaves me,
I'm gonna cut off his balls.
[woman 1] Oh!
I'm gonna take the house,
half his retirement,
and he is gonna be eating
frozen dinners and Viagra
trying to keep up with his new girlfriend.
- Hey, ladies.
- Oh hey, Cassidy!
Hi, Cassidy.
Hey.
Yes.
Did you guys see that?
She always looks at my tits!
I think she's a lesbian.
- I don't mind. I mean, I have great tits.
- You do.
I mean, you really do.
- They look amazing, honey.
- They're perky.
[woman 2] Yes!
I was at the Jensens' party,
and you know, Sam, he hit on me.
- [woman 3] Come on!
- [woman 1] Mm-hmm!
Well, he had a few martinis,
he unzipped his pants, and he showed me.
[chuckles]
Yes.
[tense, plodding string music playing]
[chit-chat continues indistinctly]
[cream squelches]
Hey, Stacey.
Oh, hey.
- I didn't know you were still here.
- Yeah, can't forget this.
Here. Last pick.
Last pick?
Secret Santa.
For Gina's party tomorrow?
You're the last pick.
Oh.
This one's for you, Stacey.
- It's for me?
- Mm-hmm.
Okay. [chuckles]
Well, here we go. [chuckles]
Okay. I'll see you at the party.
And, uh, don't work too late, okay?
Will do.
See you at the party!
["Organ Fugue BWV 542"
by the Swingle Singers playing]
Ba-da-da-da-da ♪
Da da-da-da-da-da ♪
Ba-da-da-da-da ♪
Da da-ba da-ba da-ba da-ba ♪
Ba-da da-ba-da-ba da ♪
Ba-da da ♪
[quacking]
[gunshot]
[song continues]
[squelches]
[squelches]
[hairdryer whirs]
[song fades out, echoes]
- Hey, hon.
- Hey.
Guess who got invited
to a Secret Santa at Gina Kapov's house?
Gina?
Uh
- She's the one with the crazy dog?
- Yeah, but it's Gina Kapov.
- I thought you hated those women.
- Hated? What are you talking about?
Well
I mean, you've been
working there a long time,
and they just now invite you to a party?
Seems rude.
It's just women, you know?
Takes a while for certain women
to invite someone like me.
Oh, what do you mean, "someone like you"?
Eh, you know, I'm just me.
I don't match.
Yeah.
And thank God you don't, Stace.
Hey, listen to me.
It's different now.
She invited me to her Secret Santa,
and I'm just dying
to see the inside of her house.
I bet it's magnificent.
I bet it's like a catalog.
I mean, her whole life is like a catalog.
Um, she's got the most beautiful skin,
and her hair is always so shiny,
and she could walk into a room
and make friends with anyone, you know?
Imagine that. [chuckles]
You walked into a room
and made friends with me, didn't cha?
- Yeah, look at him, huh?
- [beeping]
He's a beaut.
Mm-hmm.
[Keith] You hungry?
I'm gonna eat the rest of these wings.
Poker's on.
No, I gotta finish him.
Jingle bell, jingle bell ♪
Okay.
[TV] Three clubs out there.
Jingle bells chime in jingle bell time
Dancin' and ♪
[TV] The turn card is the three of clubs.
That gives Martini the gutshot.
[singing along with radio]
In the frosty air ♪
What a bright time
It's the right time ♪
To rock the night away ♪
Jingle bell time is a swell time ♪
To go glidin' in a one-horse sleigh ♪
Giddy-up jingle horse ♪
[doorbell chimes a tune]
[dog barks]
[dog continues barking]
[Gina] Delilah! Delilah!
No, no. No, no, no, no! No, no, no!
Stop it. You're being
Stop, stop, stop it!
Oh, I know, it is exciting, okay. It's
Come on in, come on in.
She's never like this. I'm so sorry.
You are going to the basement. Come on!
- But then
- Mm.
he pulls his pants down
and whips out this huge dick.
- [women chuckling]
- And we are talking huge.
- How huge?
- I mean, this is huge.
How huge?
I might end up in the emergency room.
And that is the upside
of getting divorced.
Getting away from that boring little dick
I was married to.
[laughter]
- Now cheers to that.
- Yes indeed.
- Cheers.
- Yay.
Cheers.
[laughter]
Mmm!
Well, ever since Peter
started taking those antidepressants,
his dick is like a wet spaghetti noodle.
- Oh no.
- Yeah, he can't even get it in.
Ugh, that is the worst!
Spaghetti-noodle dick is absolutely
- Oh, it's tragic.
- the worst.
Yeah. Well, he can't get hard,
so he just has me
put the vibrator up his ass.
You put it in his Like, in his
In his ass.
- And he likes it?
- [Gina] Of course he likes it, Lisa.
I mean, they all do.
Wouldn't let my husband near mine.
Mm-mm.
Well, Peter's obsessed with mine.
Well, I'm obsessed
with my vibrator, too, so
Yeah, well, I only wish
I found mine in my twenties. [chuckles]
That and fillers. Am I right?
[Lisa] Oh, preach!
Oh my God, that filler look
is so hot right now.
Yeah, Gina, your skin looks amazing.
You're doing something new. What is it?
Oh, that's so sweet. [chuckles]
Okay, you all need
to see Dr. Ramesh. Really.
He's got these new Ruboderm fillers,
and it's like a baby's butt.
- [Lisa] Right on.
- I love fillers. Yeah.
Yeah, I'm gonna have my facelift,
and then I am gonna file for divorce.
The thing to do
is get, like, a mini facelift,
or like a planar facelift.
So that is when they go in under the skin,
and they take the tissue
right close to the muscle,
and they just pull it tight like this.
[Gina] So good.
- It's 25,000, right?
- [Lisa] 25,000.
- 25,000?
- I'm on the waitlist.
- You're on the waitlist?
- Yeah, I'm on the waitlist.
I'm gonna be like Yeah.
Anyway, ladies, it is time
for our not-so-Secret Santa!
[all cheer excitedly]
[screams]
Sit, sit, sit. Everybody sit.
Sit, sit!
I thought it was a
I thought it was a Secret Santa.
- [Cassidy] I don't know.
- [women whoop]
- I thought it was a Secret Santa.
- No, it's not.
[Gina] Okay,
I know what you all wanted, so Jill.
- [Jill] Thank you!
- It's not a secret?
[Jill] Thank you.
I mean, we already know
what everybody wants, so
- Kathy.
- Thank you. Thank you.
Are we excited? So, Jill
Thank you. Thank you.
- Yes, and Cassidy.
- Thank you.
Oh, you're welcome,
and this one's for Lisa.
Love you.
Oh my gosh, look at this wrapping!
And this one's for you, Stacey.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Thanks, Gina.
["Lui E Lei" by Perio Umiliani playing]
'Kay. Open them, open 'em already!
[women squeal]
[laughs]
- Oh my goodness, I love this stuff.
- Oh, no.
[excited laughter]
You're welcome!
- [woman 1] Gina!
- [woman 2] Thank you!
[Kathy] Oh! You found it!
- [Jill] Have you tried this before?
- [Kathy] No. I've seen the commercials
I love this.
- Oh, okay.
- Amazing.
- It's that
- [both] Alo Glo.
[laughs]
Yeah, yeah, I know.
Anyway, it's so expensive,
and you can't get it anywhere,
so you're welcome, everybody!
[Kathy] having an orgasm.
So beautiful, I know.
It's so incredible. I know.
[Stacey] This one's for you, Gina.
Oh!
[clears throat]
- That is huge.
- Wow.
That is huge. I know all about the huge.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- It's all about the huge.
- What is in the huge box?
Okay.
[women chanting]
Open it, open it, open it!
Open it, open it!
[excited giggling]
- Open it!
- Okay! [chuckles]
[inhales deeply] I guess I'll open it!
Oh, what is it in here?
Oh, I don't
I don't quite know what to, um
- say or
- Hey, I'll help ya.
- He's not gonna hurt ya.
- do.
- [Gina clears her throat]
- [gasps]
- Is it real?
- Oh yeah, it's real.
- Here.
- [exhales]
- You killed this thing?
- Well, yeah, I shot him.
And then I skinned him, and I, you know,
took out his insides so he wouldn't rot,
and then, you know,
you just wash 'em up real good,
and then, you know, I sewed him back up.
Oh, but the insides
are just Styrofoam and some wires.
That's really Oh, and the eyes
are really cool glass beads.
Right. Okay.
You can love him forever.
It's Okay.
Okay. [laughs softly] Um
[tuts]
- Thank you, Stacey.
- You're welcome.
[tuts, inhales]
I think I'm just gonna put him
right back here in his his house,
and cover him up.
- [softly] Oh my God, that's disgusting.
- Mm.
[Gina clears her throat] Just get him
out of the way a little. [chuckles]
- [Gina] Stick him a bit out of the way.
- [Kathy] That's a good idea, G.
[Gina] Um
- Unusual.
- [whispers] Wow, that's very unusual.
How about that glow, ladies?
- [cheering]
- [Gina] I mean, come on!
It's so expensive,
and they rarely have it in stock.
- [Jill] You can't get it anywhere.
- [Gina] I know!
- [Kathy] Where did you get it?
- [Gina] I'm not telling! I am
["Fugue A La Gigue"
by The Swingle Singers playing]
Ba-ba-da ba-ba-ba-da-da ♪
Ba-ba ba-dum ♪
It's kinda scientific.
[song continues]
[women continue chattering]
[Gina] The deeper you rub it
[cream squelches]
[Cassidy] Oh, wow, okay.
[Kathy] Do you feel that?
[Kathy] Amazing.
Oh my gosh. Yeah.
Wow. Wow.
So soothing!
You feel that?
Yeah, I feel it. It's really warm.
Oh shit.
S Stacey, your your face.
- What?
- [Gina gasps]
- Oh.
- [Stacey] It's It's It's warm.
Yeah, no, it's red.
- Your skin is red.
- Oh my God.
- What?
- [Cassidy] Your skin is red.
- It's red?
- [Kathy] It's really red. It's gross.
- [Lisa] Yeah.
- It's bad?
- Yeah.
- It's not good.
- It's bad. It's angry.
- It's pretty bad.
Oh my God.
- [Stacey] Is it
- Like a rash.
[dramatic stinger]
Thanks for the ice pack.
I'll bring it to the bank.
[Gina] Oh, no.
No, no, no. You keep it.
Sorry I ruined everything.
[Gina] Really, you didn't. It It's fine.
Look, it's so cold. Go home.
[disconcerting music playing]
Merry Chris tmas.
I think you're allergic, hon.
Of course I have to be allergic
to the best lotion in the world.
If it was the best lotion in the world,
it wouldn't do that to your face now,
would it?
It doesn't do this to anybody else's face.
Well, you're sensitive.
You have sensitive skin, Stace.
You remember that lavender perfume
you wanted for Christmas last year?
The one that made your neck all splotchy.
It's just me.
I have a bad face.
A stupid, ugly, bad face.
'Ey.
Enough o' that.
[plucky string music playing]
[slurps]
[snoring]
[snoring continues]
[singers drone eerie notes]
[cream squelches]
[mysterious string music playing]
[eerie notes continue]
- [man 1 on TV] Morning, girl.
- [cow moos]
[man] Ah, look at me.
[man 2] The Zippo Hand Warmer. Be
[cheering on TV]
[man 3]
You don't have to go under the knife
to achieve perfection.
Just use Alo Glo.
Transform yourself
from ugly duckling to stunning swan,
starting at just 199.99.
Alo Glo can fix it all.
Call the number on your screen now.
Alo Glo is the only skincare product
that transforms your body, mind, and soul.
Whether you want porcelain skin,
you want to turn heads,
you want to fit in,
or just make sure those ladies at the bank
never laugh at you again.
You know how they look at you.
Or should I say,
how they don't look at you.
Let's fix it.
What the heck is happening?
Come on, Stacey.
Isn't this what you've always wanted?
Why be the odd duck out
when you can join the flock?
Call the number on your screen now.
- [woman on TV] Side effects may include
- This is crazy.
change of mood, stiff joints,
hallucinations, fear of intimacy,
internal emptiness, lack of ambition,
lack of individualization,
lack of independent thought and opinion.
- You may experience
- [chuckling] What is this?
[woman] activities
previously considered pleasurable.
But it's all worth it.
[giggles] This is so stupid!
What is this?
What's so funny, Stacey?
No, I I'm not talking to the TV.
You're not talking to a TV.
You're talking to me.
I can give you the brand-new you,
and that's not all.
I can give you peace of mind.
I can get you a seat at the table.
Alo Glo can fix you,
and that's a guarantee.
I see the Alo Glo right there
on the table in front of you,
but I don't see you using it.
[Stacey scoffs]
I already used it, and it didn't work.
I mean, look at me. I'm all red.
Well, you have to use the whole bottle,
and you're gonna need more.
You want a full body transformation,
don't you?
Yeah, but it stings.
It's making me all itchy.
Of course it stings.
It hurts when it works.
Skin itches when it is healing.
The more it itches,
the more healing it is doing.
You have a lot of healing to do, Stacey.
Just pick up the phone.
Think about it, Stacey.
It's such a shame to have to be you,
because you're not someone
anyone wants to have around.
You're not someone anyone wants to see.
But soon, you will be the things
you always dreamed of.
True acceptance, harmony,
peace, and divinity.
All that stuff is a lie.
We all just wanna be good-looking.
So now step across to the other side,
step out of your skin,
and into your Alo Glo.
[woman on phone]
Enter your credit card number.
[man on TV] Harnessing the power
of retinol and peptides
that work deep within the dermal layer,
promoting
[woman on phone] Thank you for your order.
We look forward
to meeting the brand-new you.
[man on TV] tells your body
to make a new you.
Remember, it doesn't work
if you don't use it.
["Ode To Joy" playing]
[snoring]
[birds sing]
[Keith snores]
- [banging on door]
- [doorbell rings]
["Ode To Joy" continues]
[Keith snores]
["Ode To Joy" vocals distort, echo]
[jolly cartoon music plays on TV]
Stace?
Did I hear a knock?
Hey, aren't you supposed to be at work?
I called in sick.
Oh.
Whoa, your face!
It's not that bad.
Yeah.
It looks pretty bad.
Mostly just itches now.
I don't think you should use
that lotion anymore.
It's a process.
It's healing when it itches.
You know how much money
they make off all those creams
and powders and lotions?
All from making you think
that there's somethin' wrong with you.
Something is wrong with me.
There's nothin' wrong with you.
Nothin' at all.
If there's somethin' wrong with you,
well, there's somethin' wrong with me too.
No.
You're fine.
You'll always be fine. You wanna know why?
'Cause you're a man.
Men can be fat and hairy and ugly
and impolite and old, and nobody cares.
Everybody likes you.
Everybody wants to talk to you.
Yeah, well,
I don't wanna talk to everyone.
I just wanna talk to you.
That's nice. Really great.
'Preciate it, honey.
But I am changing.
It is happening.
So please be supportive.
"Be supportive."
That's what I said.
I said, "Be supportive."
Hmm.
Just try not to scratch it, hon.
[dramatic cartoon music playing]
[door closes]
- [cream squelches]
- [cartoon music continues]
[music fades]
[cream continues squelching]
[mysterious plucked string music playing]
[woman on TV]
Get your muscles smarter and stronger
with the Full Fit fitness machine.
Other smart gyms can't do
what Full Fit can do.
The only tonal machine that is compact,
convenient, and customized
[woman 2] in a 14-karat
[man] He's an industrious mammal.
The beaver constantly
repairing the leaks in his dam.
[man 2] The ancient secrets of
the mystic tarot foreshadow your future.
If you dare to discover your destiny,
call 1-900-860-all ones now,
as noted author and numerologist
Alo Glo is the only skincare product
that transforms your body, mind, and soul.
Whether you want porcelain skin,
you want to turn heads,
or just reverse the aging process,
Alo Glo does it all,
and it's only 299.99.
Call the number on your screen now.
What are you waiting for?
Make your dreams a reality.
It's quick. It's easy.
Invest in yourself.
[Keith snores]
[Keith] Mm.
Sweetie.
You're scratchin'.
You're scratchin' in your sleep.
You gotta stop.
Oh, it's getting really raw.
Stop.
He says it's working.
If it itches, it means it's working.
Mm-hmm.
Go downstairs and get the oven mitts.
Wear 'em to bed.
[clock ticks]
[TV buzzes]
[Alo Glo man] Yoo-hoo!
Hello?
Hello again, Stacey.
It's good to see you.
Come closer.
Closer.
Come, let me see your progress.
[Stacey chuckles]
It's not much progress.
Look, it's actually way worse.
Keith says that I'm allergic.
No, no, no. You're not allergic.
It's doing its job.
You need to let it grow.
Let what grow?
The new you.
But you have to trust me.
You have to trust the formula.
And I feel that maybe you don't trust me.
No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Hold on, come back.
Hold on!
Please come back!
Hello?
- Hello?
- [TV buzzes]
You know what trust is, Stacey?
Yeah.
Give me your hand.
[soft crackling]
You know, you have to go all the way.
Any questions?
Will it hurt?
You tell me.
Does it hurt when they exclude you?
When they stare at you?
When they point and laugh and whisper?
Yeah.
You want to know
what it feels like to be pretty?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Are you with me, Stacey?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, you're with me.
- I'm with you.
- You're with me. That's great.
- I'm with you. [chuckles]
- That's great.
You are ready, Stacey. You're ready.
You're ready to harness
the power of retinol and peptides.
Let it in, Stacey.
It's already inside you.
What's inside me?
Your new life, the one you want.
It's already growing, right there,
under your skin.
[chuckles softly]
It's under my skin?
Use more Alo Glo.
[mysterious music playing]
[lids click]
[cream squelches]
[jarring string melody playing]
[Keith snores]
[Keith] Mm.
[disturbing orchestral music playing]
[Keith snores]
Keith?
[Keith] Mm?
Can you stay home from work tomorrow?
[groggily] No. You know I can't do that.
- [singers drone eerie notes]
- [orchestral music continues]
[cream continues squelching]
[shrill discordant violin notes play]
[Keith] Stace?
You home?
Stace?
You hungry?
[chuckles]
Ah.
[beep]
Ah!
[exhales, laughs]
[beeping]
[sizzling]
[laughs]
[man] Be one of the lucky callers
[man 2] That's it.
That's the way they
Stace?
- [man 2] You owe me six bits.
- [man 3] Wait a minute.
One-Eyed Jacks is on.
[Keith] Honey?
[laughs softly]
[television continues indistinctly]
[Stacey] I'll come down,
but please don't say anything,
because I already know
what you're gonna say.
Okay.
[man on TV]
You get up, you big tub of guts.
[woman on TV]
¡Quítate tú o te mato a ti también!
¡Los mato! ¡Los mato esta vez!
[gunshots on TV]
It's healing.
It's not healing.
Hon, it's getting worse.
We gotta go see Dr. Sneider.
Oh, no, no, no. I I feel fine. Really.
Yeah, it's
This is just part of the process.
It gets worse before it gets better.
[chuckles] It's not an allergic reaction
like you thought.
That's the thing. It's
It's in my skin. It's growing.
- That's how it works.
- Stacey.
- It's working.
- Are you hearing yourself?
I can feel it working. [exhales]
Why can't you just be excited for me, huh?
You know, I
This is what's gonna fix me.
It's transformative!
You don't need to be fixed.
You just don't understand how it works.
There's peptides and retinol.
It's a groundbreaking
patented six-ingredient formula.
Have you had anything to eat today, hon?
Huh?
Have a pig in a blanket.
Come on.
[man 1 on TV] How'd it happen?
[man 2] We took to scufflin',
and he come out from behind there
with that scattergun.
Yeah.
Yeah.
See?
That's better.
[man 2] He was always askin' for it.
You You gotta
You gotta put your worries down sometimes.
Huh?
There's nothing wrong with you.
You are lovely.
Inside and out.
When you say "inside,"
it means I'm not lovely on the outside.
No, the
You are.
It You're lovely everywhere.
Then why do I want
to take off all of my skin
and throw it in the garbage?!
[tense string music playing]
- Where are you goin'?
- I'm going downstairs!
You better not use more o' that stuff.
I mean it, Stace!
[door creaks]
[footsteps]
[squelching]
[curious plinking music playing]
Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Doo doo-doo ♪
- [singing continues]
- [enchanting music playing]
[faint rumbling]
[rumbling continues]
[squelching]
[singer drones low notes]
[man on TV] How'd you find me here?
What in the hell?
- [woman on TV] I don't know how
- Are you kiddin' me?
What in the world has gotten into you?!
No.
[inhales] I'm so excited.
I've never felt better.
- This isn't you, Stace.
- You shouldn't judge people, Keith.
It's negative and mean.
[man on TV] I'll figure that out when
No.
You are Stacey Elizabeth Chapman.
You know what I love about you?
You love to watch scary movies.
Even though you're too scared to watch,
'cause then you can't sleep at night.
You're so smart.
You're so good at math.
And you love nature.
You love your taxidermy.
Hmm?
You're an artist.
When other people see a dead animal,
you see somethin' special.
Somethin' beautiful.
You make it beautiful.
You're kind.
And funny.
And thoughtful.
And I think you're perfect.
That's what's wrong with you, Keith.
Enough!
You are gonna stop
this nonsense right now.
You hear me?
It's just that you don't understand
what is happening to me.
'Cause I'm tired, and I've had enough.
[inhales raspingly] It's too late, Keith.
She's already here!
Who?
Who is here?
Who is here?
Once my transformation is complete
Enough!
Okay, just calm down.
There's no transformation!
Okay. Okay.
It's just that
you're not gonna change, are you?
And you don't want me to change either.
Do you?
I don't want you to change.
That's what I've been trying to tell you
until I'm blue in the face.
- [Stacey strains] Dah!
- Agh!
Ah
Ah.
Ohhh. Oh.
Huh
What the fuck, Stace?
Oh.
You stabbed me in the face.
How deep is it?
Huh?
Hon
I'm sorry.
Should I pull it out?
I'm gonna pull it out.
Okay.
Ah.
- Oh, jeez. Oh.
- Oh, I'm bleedin'.
Oh no. Oh no.
Is it bad?
Yeah, it's pretty bad, honey.
[Keith panting]
Oh.
It's on my It's on my glasses.
Hon, this is this is real bad.
This is real bad. I
I need a I need a towel.
- Will you go get me a towel, hon?
- Yeah.
Huh?
[Stacey] Okay.
Oh. I'll use my radio.
Yeah, okay.
[radio beeps, crackles]
Dispatch? Dispatch?
- [man on radio] Copy, Chapman, go ahead.
- This I
This is Officer Chapman.
I have a 10-33
- [thud]
- Ah!
- [Stacey inhales]
- Ah.
Please respond, Chapman.
- [Keith] Oh.
- [Stacey] Oh.
Line's open. Go ahead, Chapman, please.
- Ah.
- [Stacey] Mm.
Agh.
- Somethin' fell on me, hon.
- [Stacey groans]
Line's open. Go ahead, Chapman.
[Stacey strains]
- [thud]
- Agh. Huh.
Oh.
[grunts]
[laughs]
[strains]
Dah!
- [Stacey breathes heavily]
- [Keith groans]
[Stacey strains]
[Stacey continues breathing heavily
and grunting]
[banging on TV]
Now let's see the kind of stuff
you're made of.
[exhales]
[simple plucked string music playing]
[singer drones low notes]
[mysterious orchestral music builds]
[creature squelches]
[deep rumbling]
[creature squelches and drips]
Wha
Huh.
[Stacey grunts]
Oh.
[squelches]
Oh.
[breathes shakily]
Oh. [chuckles]
Ah.
Ah.
Ah.
Oh. Oh!
Ah. Oh!
Ahh!
Oh. Oh.
Ah.
Oh.
[moans]
Oh! Oh!
Oh-ah!
[breathes heavily]
[laughs]
Ah.
[chuckles] Oh!
Ah. [chuckles]
Ah.
Oh. [chuckles]
Oh.
[deep rumbling]
[distant bird squawks]
- [rumbling]
- [squelching]
["You Sexy Thing" by Caleb Hawley playing]
I believe in miracles ♪
Where you from ♪
Uh, you sexy thing? ♪
You sexy thing, you ♪
I believe in miracles ♪
Ah.
Since you came along ♪
You sexy thing, you ♪
Mmm ♪
Mm-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Mmm ♪
Mm-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
[sighs, chuckles]
Where did you come from, baby? ♪
How did you know ♪
I needed you? ♪
How did you know ♪
[Stacey] Look, look! Look, look, look!
Keith, look!
Look, look! I told you, look, look!
Look at me!
See?
my heart gladly ♪
Yesterday ♪
I was one of the lonely people ♪
[Stacey strains]
Now you're lying close to me ♪
Making love to me-ee-ay ♪
I believe in miracles ♪
[Stacey] Mmm.
Hoo-ah-ooh ♪
Where you from ♪
Hoo ♪
You sexy thing? ♪
Ah-ah ♪
I believe in miracles ♪
Hey, yeah ♪
Since you came along ♪
[exhales raspingly]
You sexy thing, you ♪
Oh-oh-oh ♪
Mmm ♪
Mm-doo-doo ba-dum ♪
Mmm ♪
Mmm ♪
Mm-doo-doo ba-dum ♪
Where did you come from, baby? ♪
Mmm ♪
How did you know ♪
I'd be the one? ♪
Did you know ♪
You're everything I'd prayed for? ♪
Did you know ♪
Every night and day for? ♪
Every day ♪
Needing love as satisfaction ♪
Now you're lying next to me ♪
Givin' it to me ♪
Oh, I believe in ♪
Bye, hon. Have a great day.
Where you from, babe? ♪
You sexy thing ♪
You sexy thing ♪
I believe in miracles ♪
Hoo, yeah ♪
Since you came along ♪
You sexy thing ♪
You sexy thing ♪
[frantic cartoon music playing]
[disconcerting string music playing]
No, no, you're not listening to me.
Okay? He needs a father that talks to him
about what he's going through.
Yeah, 'cause that's a father's job.
Uh-huh! Yeah.
gery and it went wrong.
- No!
- Yeah.
Basically he doesn't have a dick anymore.
Tell me how you feel.
Yeah, no, it's not therapy. It's just
Wh What's wrong with Mr. Rogers?
You know what?
Don't be so fucking primitive.
[laughing] Oh, yes, you are.
Oh-ho.
Miss Chapman?!
Good morning, Ronnie.
- You look sensational!
- Oh, thank you.
- [Jill] God!
- [Kathy] Are you seeing what I'm seeing?
Is that Stacey?
- I'll call you later.
- [Kathy] You seeing what I'm seeing?
I don't know. What are you seeing?
That's what I just asked you.
Oh my God.
[Stacey clears throat]
It's like when you're in the desert,
and, like,
you're really hot and dehydrated,
and this thing appears before you
- It's a mirage, it's a mirage.
- It's like a mirage.
[Kathy whispers]
We're not in the desert, Jill.
She's an angel.
Oh, wow.
Hi, ladies.
[women, chummily] Hi!
Bum-bum, ba-da ba-da ba-dum ♪
Oh my God, you smell so good.
She smells so good.
- Wow.
- It's so exciting!
- Oh my God, it's so exciting.
- [Kathy] You look gorgeous.
Just unreal.
[women whisper excitedly]
- It's not the way she regularly smells.
- Ah.
This is just so strange.
[Gina] Stacey, hi.
[Kathy] Hi.
Hi, Gina.
Did you get something done?
I sure did.
- I changed my hair. It's shorter.
- Oh!
- Do you like it?
- You look amazing.
- Mm, I do, don't I?
- Yes.
Like, so amazing.
- [Stacey] Mmm.
- [Gina] How did you, um
Um
I mean, it's just it's it's it's so
- Different?
- Different, yes, it's different.
It's different.
Yeah, I mean you look really
I look really
what?
Tell me.
You look
really beautiful.
- Yeah.
- Aw.
[all chuckle]
Thank you! [laughs]
- Like, I mean, it's surreal.
- So hard to
You can look closer if you want.
Just get a really close look.
Okay.
Is this new?
No, I've always had it. Do you like it?
Yeah.
[Kathy] Hm. Mmm. Mm-hmm.
[chuckles]
So, did you hear
Donald Crenshaw got a DUI?
He drove his car into a snowbank.
Oh my God, his poor wife
must be so embarrassed.
Please. She is no saint.
Yeah, no,
Judy's a total lush, a day drinker.
Glug-glug. Oh yeah.
Always has schnapps on her breath
when she's cashing her checks.
Secondhand schnapps.
Well, speaking of schnapps,
we should all go to Giuseppe's for drinks.
Yeah! Happy hour!
They make the best gimlets.
- They do, yeah.
- Yeah.
You're gonna love it, Stacey.
They have a Cobb salad to die for.
I love Cobb salad.
Mmm.
[all chuckle]
[laughs energetically]
[all laugh]
["Ode To Joy" playing]
[women continue chortling]
I believe in miracles ♪
["You Sexy Thing" by Zella Day playing]
Where you from ♪
You sexy thing? ♪
I believe in miracles ♪
[continues laughing]
You sexy thing ♪
Where did you come from, baby? ♪
How did you know I needed you? ♪
How did you know
I needed you so badly? ♪
How did you know
I'd give my heart gladly? ♪
Yesterday
I was one of the lonely people ♪
Now you're lying close to me ♪
Making love to me, oh ♪
I believe in miracles ♪
[creepy theme music playing]