Guys With Kids (2012) s01e04 Episode Script

Guys With Kids is taped in front of a live studio audience.
Babies coming through! They were here first.
You know, there's a Chucky Cheese in Brooklyn.
Doesn't have a full bar.
Yeah, who wants to hang out on a bar with kids.
Hey, guys so check this out: Last night, I ask Yoda to put his shoes away.
He told me, "you have arms, do it yourself.
" So I sent him to his room.
He doesn't care.
He likes his room.
Nothing I do works any more.
What's the cutoff age for leaving your kid on the firehouse doorstep no questions asked? Gary, he's got your number.
Yoda knows you're a pushover.
I think you should just have Marny deal with him 'cause she is scary.
Yeah, she's the only person I write thank you notes to because she will say something.
I am not gonna have my wife fight my battles for me.
I know what I need to do.
I need to break Yoda, just like my father broke me.
That man was intimidating.
He was so intimidating You know what, I'm I'm not gonna say anything because I don't want it to get back to him.
Yeah, I hear ya.
My dad broke me too.
Broke me of some pretty bad study habits.
I forgot to tell you that Chris here grew up in Pleasantville.
As you can imagine, it was quite pleasant.
Well, I didn't.
All right, no more Mr.
nice guy.
I can be tough.
Like, smoke him out.
Crush the rebellion! No child left behind.
Now you're just throwing out random phrases.
Each one teach one! Down with dope, up with hope! Give a hoot, don't pollute! Stop, drop, and roll! All right.
Nice things.
Life is how you live it ª wh you go and where you wanna be yand we're hy ♙ª we need our fnds e the sun why would you walk n yoan run everybody sing along whyuld you walk when you cann You know, these Sunday night dinners are great.
Dinnertime has been kind of lonely since the divorce and I feel You told me to punch you every time you bum people out - with your stupid divorce.
- Yeah.
Did I hurt your neck, you little baby? No.
My neck hurts because Ernie won't fall asleep unless I sleep in a chair next to him.
Wait, you're sleeping in a chair next to Ernie? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You can't do that.
You have to sleep train him.
You know, we got this book.
It saved our lives.
Who got that book? Gary got that book, okay? Better parent.
Thank you, Marny, but you can keep your book.
I've tried everything.
This kid just cannot be sleep trained.
Okay.
That's crap.
Any baby can be sleep trained.
Gary, this bridge is incredible.
Who made this? School project.
Clark and I did it.
All me.
- Here you go, baby.
- Thanks.
So, how did your bridge turn out? What are you talking about? The assignment was just to answer four questions about the Brooklyn bridge.
Looks like someone forgot to read the back of the assignment sheet.
They printed on both sides? I'm so sick of these dumb teachers who are fresh out of college trying to save the environment.
Your bridge is going down.
You don't have the time or the stuff.
- Yeah, I do.
- No, you don't.
- Yoda.
- What? You do it all the time.
Not when other people are around.
Whatever.
Excuse me? Just relax, Gary.
Hold on there, Daddy.
Hoo, let's not make a big deal out of this.
I Marny, I'm sorry.
Might I have a word with you in the library, please? Library? You mean the bookcase? Yes.
Marny, you can't undermine me like this, all right? This kid is getting out of control.
Okay, calm down.
I'll handle it.
No.
I'm the one who stays at home with the kids all day.
He needs to listen to me.
Look, I know you think you're helping, but the only way that you can really help right now is to butt out.
I see.
Okay.
You obviously don't need me so no, no, I will indeed butt out.
You come with me, little Ernie.
Where you going? To sleep train this thing.
Okay, well, when the host steals your baby I guess it's time to go.
I think, we're gonna be heading out too.
We have some work to do.
And, once you get a look at my bridge you're gonna wanna throw yourself off of your bridge.
Really? - Really.
- Really? All right.
We'll be leaving before we start the world's first arts and crafts rumble.
Hey, Clarky, why don't you go brush your teeth and get ready for bed, man? Where do you think you're going? You haven't finished your dinner.
I'm not eating this.
Yes, you are.
And you're not gonna get out of that seat until that plate is clean.
So you wanna play the waiting game, Well, I was built to wait things out.
See that tooth right there? Yep, I chipped it four years ago.
And I'm not getting it fixed.
Because I'm waiting for it to grow back.
All right, I'm not playing around.
In this box, I have all of your favorite toys.
And if you don't eat your dinner, I'm gonna throw them all away.
Okay.
Not mine.
Don't like it any more.
That's broken.
That's yours.
You know what? Eat your dinner! Okay.
Okay, go in now.
Let him know everything is fine but don't pick him up or he'll never go to sleep.
Okay, I will not pick him up.
Now, I know it looks like I picked him up, but he's actually holding me right now, so Chris, you are not taking this seriously.
Here.
You know, Ernie is not the problem.
You are.
I think you should leave.
But I live here.
All this stuff is mine.
That baby is mine.
Okay, I'm a mother of four, okay? You have to listen to me.
Okay, okay, I see what's happening here.
Gary told you to butt out down there and so now you're butting in up here.
My God, I am so sorry.
You're right.
No, no, no, it's okay.
It's okay.
I appreciate the effort.
I know.
No.
Thank you for stopping by.
Let me say good night, little Ernie Do you smell smoke? Marny.
This baby is getting sleep trained! Okay, where's the book? Because this kid is seriously messed up.
Why are you still at the dinner table? I'm teaching him a lesson.
The boy has school in the morning.
I tried to tell him.
Can I see you in the foyer? You mean the welcome mat? Look, I've got this under control.
If it takes all night, I'll break him.
Gary, you are not keeping my kid up all night.
No, no, no.
Besides, you can't even physically stay up past 11:00.
How many times have I found you asleep on the toilet with a mouthful of Listerine? Look, I started this, all right? And I have to see it through or I'll lose all authority with this kid.
Well, then you've really backed yourself into a corner, haven't you? You've got one hour.
Then I'm putting him to bed.
I'll put this whole building to bed if I have to.
Hey, Marny, since you still won't let me back into my apartment, could you do me a favor and just unplug my iPod? I don't like to overcharge it, you know? It shortens the life of the battery.
Dad, mom found the purple paint.
Let's paint it purple.
Great, yeah.
You know what? Maybe not for this bridge, but definitely for the next one.
You have such good ideas.
It's her bridge.
Hey, Violet.
You know who used to commute - from Brooklyn to Manhattan? - Who? Cinderella.
All right, honey, come on.
Let's get your pajamas on.
You have no business being in this world.
Guys, I need your help.
Hey, your wife locked me out of my apartment.
Yeah, she's known to do that.
Clarky, Yoda, sit down right there.
I need to talk to these guys.
Look here, man.
The kid hasn't budged, right? And I'm running out of time.
Chris, if you were acting like Yoda, what would your father have done? Man.
He would have sent me to bed 15 minutes early and only sang me two songs.
Okay Nick? Yoda and I go way back.
Maybe I should talk to him.
He might be more receptive to someone he hasn't seen cry during the movie Up! They couldn't have a baby.
- Hey, buddy.
- Hey, Nick.
Yeah.
Butting heads with your old man? Yeah.
You know, guys like us, Yoda, we don't like to conform.
We're rebels.
Emily, she tells me not to bring the quilt in from the bed to the sofa, but I do.
I'll snuggle right the hell up with it.
But, you gotta ask yourself, is it worth it? Now, I just wanna throw out there, what would happen if you ate up all the food on your plate and then we all just moved on with our lives? Why don't you tell that to someone who cares? Excuse me? Mind your own business, Nick.
Okay.
We, we are not as close as I had assumed.
You wanna help me break him? More than anything.
All right, Yoda.
You've had your chance.
I'm done being nice.
We went out and got all of your favorite things.
Now, if you wanna join in on the fun, all you have to do is finish what's on your plate.
I got Peeps, Yoda.
I'm mushing 'em together to make one super-mega-awesome Peep and I'm putting it in my mouth, Yoda.
Fine.
Have it your way, Yoda.
Chris? Music.
That's right, Yoda.
We're gonna eat your favorite snacks and do you favorite dance.
The Cat Daddy.
I did not just learn this today.
Come on.
Left turn, right turn, wheelchair, wheelchair.
Left turn, right turn, wheelchair, wheelchair.
You're doing it all wrong! Well, then, finish your dinner and come show us how to do it right.
Are we gonna do the whole song or We learned the whole song.
We're gonna do the whole song.
Chris is having no luck getting past Gary! He turns to pass to Yoda, but he doesn't 'cause he can't, 'cause he won't finish his dinner! He feints around the couch.
He moves for the dunk.
He dunks it! The first rule of Fight Club: You don't talk about Fight Club.
- Ready? - Ready.
Indoor Slip 'n Slide.
In your face! He's sliding home! And he's out! He's out! Look at him.
He's about to break.
Why you keep waking me up? Hey, son, 'cause you're my ringer.
All right? There's nothing worse than when your brother's having fun and you're not.
Look at this.
Awesome! Get ready to start.
I got you, let's go, Clarky, let's go! Well done.
Go long, Chris, go long! Dad, you ruined it! And it's due tomorrow! Hey, Clarky, I'm sorry.
It was an accident.
You're such a butthole, Dad.
Hey, you don't ever speak to me like that.
Get over here.
Dude This hasn't worn off yet.
I think I took too much.
I think I took too much! Now I've lost control of both of them.
Maybe this'll help.
One time my dad did get really mad at me.
It was during high school.
I was drinking a soda in the backseat of his brand-new car.
I wasn't supposed to, but I had just stared Pippin and it had gone to my head.
Anyhow, I spilled it, and he didn't say anything.
He just looked at me, and he handed me the keys and he said "I bought this car for you, and it's your stain now.
" That always stayed with me.
Tell it again, Chris.
When did smacking your child fall out of fashion? Hey, come on, Gary.
Even back then, you wouldn't have done that.
You're not that kind of dad.
Gary, you're the kind of dad that you give piggyback rides, and you make mediocre school projects.
You are not intimidating, but that's okay because you have someone in your life who is, and she is right upstairs.
You're right.
I don't have to be my father.
I married my father! What? Is he asleep? Nope! You've ruined your baby.
Hi, buddy.
What is wrong with you? Don't you want him to sleep? Don't you wanna sleep? You know, the truth is, I don't mind sleeping in the chair next to him.
I don't get to see him as much as I'd like to and it gives us a little extra time together.
You know? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, I guess I could see that.
You know, sometimes if I'm working late, when I come home I climb right into bed with one of the boys.
Exactly, exactly.
You know, I mean, ever since the divorce, I Why are you here? Do you recall how I told you to butt out? I need you to butt back in.
Happy to, sweetheart.
That's it? No.
That's not it.
You're gonna be hearing about this for a long time.
Scares me to think about it.
What the hell happened in here? Yeah.
Okay.
And on that note, I'm gonna hand this off to Gary.
Marny, thank you so much for dinner.
Here's a note to convey my appreciation.
You two.
Why are you giving your dad so much trouble? You have no idea how good you have it.
Your dad goes to all your baseball games.
He gives you ice cream for dinner.
Your father stays home with you by choice.
Even I won't do that.
You two have the greatest dad in the world and you will show him some respect.
Sorry, Dad.
It's all right, son.
Go to bed.
I've been trying to! And you, I want you to help your father clean up this mess.
Now.
Baby.
Thanks for butting back in.
Is this a Slip 'n Slide? Yeah.
Yoda.
Come here, son.
What's been going on with you lately, man? Because this isn't the Yoda that I know.
You're always telling me to do stuff.
You're the oldest.
I was the oldest.
It sucks.
All right? But it's not gonna change.
We need to work together on this, all right? Because when you're grown up, I want us to be like Chris and his father.
I want us to be friends, you know? Okay, Gary.
Don't you do that.
I'm sorry, Dad.
I'm going to bed.
No.
Absolutely not.
All right.
You still have some explaining to do.
What was wrong with my Cat Daddy? Everything.
You looked like a sick horse.
Sick horse, Look at this.
This is a super-duper-mega Peeps going in your mouth.
Open up.
Open up! Now go and get cleaned up.
What do you think? It's nice, Daddy.
I don't think she really meant that.
No.
Well But the important thing is You beat your adult friend at a first grade project.
Okay.
You know, hey, Violet, this bridge is not finished yet.
- Really? - Really.
Don't you think that this would look so much better if it was purple? With feathers and glitter? Yeah! Just like it was originally designed.
Pretty! God.
So pretty.