Hap and Leonard (2016) s01e04 Episode Script
Trudy
Come on.
It's time to be a bird.
Go on.
Come on, get.
You got your whole life ahead of you.
We didn't intend to cut you out.
There wasn't enough money to go around.
And this wasn't what we banked on.
So this is plan B.
And whose plan is that? We made a pact.
There wasn't enough money for our needs.
We'd have to appropriate your share.
Howard says it's just a matter of priorities.
Huh.
Oh, for a minute there, I thought we were just getting screwed.
Hey, hey, hey, hey! You want to keep that good eye, keep your hand off my shit.
Shut up! Does Trudy know about this? It's not personal, Hap.
Oh, good, good.
What is it, then? Sacrifice.
Speed it up.
At this rate, we'll be here all night.
Come on.
Who the hell buries money anyway? Y'all been reading too many damn caper books.
With all these cops around, it's called being smart.
Maybe you two ought to try it some time.
If you're so smart, why are you burying this in front of us? - Hey! - Hey, hey, hey.
It's an awful lot of rough housing for a peacenik.
Now, look, you had that coming.
Ow.
Look, I never said I was against violence.
Sometimes the ends justify the means.
All right? So why don't you come over here and try that on me? Shove that gun so far up your ass you's taste gunpowder.
Come on! Chub, put the box in the hole.
Go ahead.
I got it.
All right, Leonard.
You fill it in.
Pretend it's a rose bush or something, whatever the hell you two do for work - They got fired.
- All right.
Whatever you know, whatever you did for work.
So this how y'all do, huh? All peaceful-like.
Get your gun up.
Hey.
Look like you gonna have to use that thing, Howard.
Ever kill a man before? I did.
Paco, fill it in.
These fellers have stepped in the wrong pile of shit.
Let's not rub it in.
They've been riding me since they got here.
If I'd have known I was coming Hey.
I'd have ridden you a hell of a lot harder.
This is everything.
This is this is the total.
The rest is unusable.
Well, it's it's not enough.
If we're smart about things, efficient, no more mistakes from here on out.
Y'all already made one mistake: pissing me off! You gonna use that, Chub? Just let us do our thing.
We'll let you go.
Howard doesn't want anybody to know about us yet.
You ain't got to worry about me telling nobody.
No, sir.
Think I want the world to know I got suckered by a bunch of idiots? What is this thing? You zip it, Chub.
Not supposed to say.
Come on.
Who we gonna tell, the couch? We're gonna buy some drugs.
Oh.
What, like, like grass? - Uh-uh, cocaine.
- Cocaine? - Chub! - Chub! You stupid shit.
All right, okay.
What the hell does buying cocaine have to do with making a difference to this world, huh? That wasn't part of the big pitch you sold me.
If we're gonna launch a sustainable movement, we need sustainable income.
They're gonna use cocaine to fund their cause.
How do you think the Mechanics survived as long as we did? By selling sweet Mary Jane to college students.
Cocaine's a bit different.
- Don't you think? - Exactly.
- Who buys cocaine? - Cokeheads, mostly.
People who can afford it.
It's a luxury drug.
Consider us a luxury tax.
We're gonna take it from the rich, and we're gonna use it to help the people that need it.
Like Robin Hood.
Last I remember, Little John didn't have no pager.
Y'all just a bunch of goddamn drug dealers.
No, no, we use the system to beat the system, and then we change the system.
You can beat my meat and preach about the system and the seals all you want Who said anything about the seals? What's with the seals? Why does he keep saying that? Whales, elephants, whatever.
You know what happens to drug dealers, hmm? They end up in prison or in a ditch with a bullet in the head.
Actually, that don't sound like a bad idea.
Paco's done this before.
He's got the connections.
Yeah, look at him now.
They handle the traffic.
We handle the income.
We stay clean.
Yeah, and then we have the power.
Power? You lost your drawers in the swamp.
What the hell you gonna do with any damn power? What makes you think we need an economics lesson from two out-of-work field hands? Technically, we're Rosarians, not field hands.
You two ain't thought this shit out, did you? Ignore him, Trudy.
You might have saved a couple of lives, but you're gonna ruin a bunch more.
Think them drugs just gonna reach the hands of some Hollywood big shot or up the nose of some Wall Street scumbag? They're gonna end up on the street in the hands of some kids don't even know what they hell they doing.
Don't listen to him.
He's just being derisive.
- Oh, that's a big word - Quiet.
For such a little asshole to fart.
All right, that's enough.
That was impressive.
You rehearse that? Nice girlfriend you got there.
Got more faces than a diamond.
Okay.
I admit that.
That took me by surprise.
And here we are, gun in face, duct-taped to a chair.
Mm, mm, mm.
Glider.
What? - It's a glider.
- It's my damn porch.
- I know what it is.
- Just saying.
You said enough, talking me into this mess.
- My nose itches.
- I don't care.
Oh, shit.
Shit.
Maybe we didn't think this through enough.
It's a little late to start second-guessing ourselves.
I thought this was what we wanted.
Of course it is, babe.
Of course.
I just want us to stay sharp.
We've never done anything like this before.
Paco has.
What if they're right? Don't let them get to you.
We have to play the game if we're gonna survive.
I'm not letting anyone get to me.
I'm just asking.
All right.
Is this who we are? It's like you say.
"The right path isn't always the easy one.
" I didn't know it was gonna turn out like this, guys.
I feel terrible.
I'm really sorry, for what it's worth.
Do you want anything? I want to take back saving your fat ass in the swamp.
They don't respect you.
You know that, right? They see you, they see a walking, talking pork chop, same as us.
Only thing, they ain't gonna slaughter you like they gonna do us.
I'm not gonna let that happen.
I understand your anger.
You could never understand my anger.
Chub.
Are we getting out of here? Howard said that he he'll drop you guys off at the state line tomorrow after we meet Paco's guy.
Chub.
Inside.
Dear Hap, it's been awhile.
I know.
I keep meaning to visit, but I never have been great at life.
I think of you often, though, you in there, making a difference, dedicated.
And me, out here, it's quiet, Hap.
I keep thinking it'll get easier, but then I remember, that's not how the world works.
And I'm never one to sit still, so I've decided to do something about it, to try and make a difference of my own.
I've moved to San Francisco.
It's a long way, but it really is for the best, for me, for the cause.
I've joined a group of people out here.
We march and protest against the war, like we used to do.
Feels good, you know, to be a part of something.
You know what they say.
Some things are just meant to be.
I've told them about you and what you're doing to make a stand.
I'm so proud of you, honey.
I love you.
Always did, always will.
Trudy.
You smoke now too, huh? Boy, you are just full of surprises.
Only when I'm nervous.
Oh, you are.
Hey, it could be worse.
You could be duct-taped to a glider.
Want to tell me what's going on? I would if I thought it would make you feel better.
Not too late to change your mind.
Call it off.
Let us go.
Take your share and run away.
You've done it before.
I'm done running.
This is my chance.
I'm taking it.
No matter who it hurts? I gave you every opportunity to be a part of this.
You made your choice.
Somebody always gets hurt, Hap.
This time, the greater good will win out.
Greater good? There was a time when that meant protesting against wars and marching for equality, not this.
You remember those two monks who set themselves on fire to protest the war? Mm.
I want that kind of dedication.
Oh, they were dedicated, all right.
They also got burned up.
I need to believe in something.
I've done a lot of things in my life.
I've failed at almost all of them.
I don't have another failure in me, Hap.
Even if it means this? Try and get some sleep.
About time you woke up.
We on speaking terms again, then? He came out here over an hour ago.
Howard told him to keep an eye on us.
Doing a pretty shitty job of it.
You think? Let's go.
Go? Where? Let's get out of here.
How? Get on your feet.
We're gonna walk this thing out to the woods and get it off us.
Make a run for it.
- You crazy? - You got a better idea? Shouldn't we have done this last night? I didn't think of it last night.
Now, come on.
You with me? Okay.
On three.
One, two, three.
Shh, shh, shh.
You're going too fast.
We're going too fast.
You shut up.
Just give me five.
Give me five.
Come on, now we're making progress.
Ready? Let's go.
Yeah, come on.
Could we just slow down? You're tripping on my toes.
Bitch, bitch, bitch.
Stepping on my damn corn.
- Just slow down.
- We ain't going slower.
We're going backwards.
Come on, this ain't so hard, is it? Looks pretty damn hard to me.
Now, do you fellas think you can make it back to the porch without falling? Oh, come on.
Going.
Well, I'm afraid you boys are coming with us.
After your great escape this morning, I can't exactly leave you here with Chub, can I? Cut 'em loose.
Come on, Chub.
Thought I told you to keep that thing on a leash.
Does that mean we're not friends anymore? Trudy! Trudy, come on.
One good bounce, you'll blow your pecker straight off.
You're like a real bandito now.
Just shut up.
You've already gotten me in enough trouble.
My heart bleeds.
Shut up, all of you.
Who's got the money? I do, some of it.
What do you mean, some of it? Look, Trudy and I talked it over.
We're taking 5,000 as a deposit.
A deposit? We're not going to a goddamn bank.
This guy's expecting the money, all of it, up front.
That was the deal.
We have to know we can trust him.
We have the money.
If they want to make the deal, we can get the rest.
Dealers ain't exactly the kind of people you want to get cute with.
We got to go back.
We got to get the money.
No, no, we're doing it this way.
If it's not good for you, we can turn around and forget the whole thing.
We're driving into a shitstorm, Howard.
What the hell is that? She's our gang.
Come on, let's move.
How you doing? Hey.
Hey, the revolutionaries.
Que pasa? - How the hell are you? - Well, we're here.
We're all right, man.
We're all right.
How are you? What is with Salt and Pepper? Huh? They helped us find the money, wasn't gonna cut them loose just yet.
- So you brought them along? - Mm-hmm.
I love it.
Yeah, hey, I'm Howard, man.
I know who you are.
You're the nerd or the professor or some shit.
Well, that's actually And he's the self-help gentle fellow.
I met her at the diner.
You look even lovelier out of your uniform.
And then she was married to Salt, right? That's Hap.
And then there's your jig.
- Leonard, yeah.
- Yeah, that's right.
So we we'd like to I'd like to deal quickly.
Of course.
Yeah, of course you would.
But first, let me intro well, ladies first.
That shapely piece of meat is Angel.
My name's Soldier.
Remember that.
In case things don't go down the way you like, you can come to me, and you can say, "Soldier, I'm not happy with the things went.
" And then I can say, "Tough shit.
" "Tough shit," I'll say right to you.
Okay, but enough of the pleasantries.
Who's got the money? This was a bad idea.
Paco, what is her name again? That's Trudy.
Okay, so who's running things here? You know, if you let her talk like that, I don't know, pretty soon the nig will be calling shots.
Chaos.
Well, excuse me, Mr.
Soldier, his name's Leonard.
You can call him anything that you'd like.
I do know a nigger when I see one.
Hey, wait a minute, now.
Sir? Sir? Hating a person because the color of their skin is not gonna get anything solved.
- Shut up, Chub.
- Who's You can't talk about someone 'cause the color of their skin.
Who asked that to make sounds? Well, not everybody agrees with the way he Hey, hey, we'll talk about it later.
But he used the N word.
- We'll talk about it later.
- No, come on, now.
Not everybody agrees with you.
Not now, Chub.
No, you hold on a second.
Just because he's black he's not allowed to use that word.
Chub.
Ow! Hey, hey, hey.
Anybody shit their pants? I almost did right there.
Paco, you really caught me off-guard.
Paco, we had a plan.
Wasn't much of a plan, was it, genius? You made a mistake when you trusted a man who burned his own face off, I think.
But no, there is no drug deal.
There's no drugs.
There's just Paco talking to me about the easy money y'all were gonna find.
Easy, my ass.
Thought I was gonna die of old age waiting for you guys to find it.
Paco, you're a piece of shit.
Shh.
I do like to hear myself as I'm speaking.
And shit is it's a little harsh.
I mean, it's more like a scrunched up piece of what do they wrap candy in, baby? Cellophane, innit? That's the stuff your face looks like, Paco.
Yeah.
I mean, no offense.
Fire will do that to a face.
It's normal.
And you should stop pretending like you're so noble.
Where's all that '60s free love shit now? You get a little taste of money, and you screwed over the first two dudes you could, and now I'm gonna screw you over, so Bet that makes you two feel a little bit better.
Lenny? Just a shade? Even better if you shot him in the foot.
Hey! I like that.
You're cool.
- Ain't he cool, babe? - He's cool.
Aah! Aah! That's just to let you guys know I am a serious kind of guy.
And now I would like to collect the money, so who who's holding? We had a deal.
We had a deal.
There is no deal.
There's the only deal is you don't give me what I want, then I blow your brains across the wall, and then I'll move down, and I'll get the black gentleman, and then I'll end with her, and I will just spray those titties all over this room.
They didn't bring it.
What did you say? There is money.
I saw it.
$5,000.
II have $5,000.
We brought a deposit, a down payment.
A down payment.
Am I a realtor? We were being cautious.
All right.
Okay, okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
So you're just not as stupid as I thought.
Where is the rest of the money? They buried it at Leonard's place.
I know exactly where it is.
Okay, well, I like that.
So here's what we'll do.
We'll, uh You're gonna go fix you're gonna fix his foot.
And then we will all get the rest of the money together.
Turn around.
Angel, baby, I am starting to like these folks.
Howie, come on.
Keep walking.
That's radical.
Keep walking, in the back.
Holy toys.
- Hap.
- Uh-huh? Tell me about the beach with them drinks with the little umbrellas in them again.
Going on a field trip.
It's warm in here.
It's stuffy.
This is a real piece of shit van you brought, Professor.
Oh, it's hot.
Hey, girl what is her name again? - Trudy.
- That's right.
Tell me, which one of these three desperados are you spreading your fine little gams for? My guess, my guess, whoever has the biggest ankle spanker, am I right? Well, guess what? Size is not all it's cranked up to be.
Isn't that right, baby? - That's right.
- Yeah, see? Average depth of the vaginal canal is only 6 inches.
So I figure whatever doesn't fit in, you're wasting it.
It's waste.
Ain't that true, baby? - Yeah, that's true.
- Yeah.
Most women, they go for the gusto.
They want the big salami even though it's mostly just pumping air.
I don't know, I guess it's the as - Aesthetics.
- That's the stuff.
Very American, very Texas, very bigger is better.
So tell me, doodle, you banging this handsome buck, hmm? Because we all know Nubian brothers are hung like rhinos.
Guess again.
He's a fudge packer.
What? Are you messing with me? You're messing with me.
Well, you don't look gay.
Bend over.
I'll show you.
Easy.
It's good.
That's funny.
He's funny.
He's a funny bunny.
I like him.
Isn't he funny, baby? He's funny.
So then what about Happy man here? Is he Do not tell me he's a toot shooter too.
Nope, he's so damn straight, he's got a padlock up his asshole.
They're friends.
Well, ain't that special.
A story I'd like to hear someday, but for now, which one of these two gentlemen are you porking, then, Trudes? Both.
Oh, that is phenomenal.
That is truly generous.
That is so kind.
What about you, Paco? Is she giving you a little something? She help you out with a little southern comfort? No, of course not.
And it's probably because of the face.
Well, it sounds like you folks are having a good ol' time at the ranch.
Me and Angel, we don't we're not she's a one-man woman.
And she's enough woman for any man, ain't that right, sugar plum? That's right.
Oh, baby.
Hey, Happy.
How'd you like to bang that? I'll tell you, it is it is quite a ride.
It's fun.
It's also very dangerous.
Look at her shoulders.
Bitch has a snatch like a bear trap.
She'll tear your dick right off.
She'll tear it clean off if she wants to, gone.
Not Trudy, though.
No way, she's very, very different.
I bet she's all soft and warm on the inside, taffy-like, like dropping into a hot chicken pot pie.
You asshole.
What? Thought so.
I'm not afraid of you.
Go ahead, shoot me.
Make you feel like a big man.
Shut up! He'll do it.
He's gonna do it anyway.
I won't give him the satisfaction of being scared.
Look, please, ignore her.
She's always been a little unstable and She doesn't know what she's saying.
Sounds to me like she knows exactly what she's saying.
No, she doesn't look, I don't feel that way.
And I can see that you're a business man, right? I can see that.
And what I can also see is that you're a reasonable Howie, come on, she's She has more balls than you will ever have.
She's got balls so big, I bet Lenny wants a piece.
Lenny? You get it? We got the cops.
So what? I love cops.
Let's go.
How y'all doing? Hey, officer, my buddy caught his Sir, please slow down.
He caught his toe in a drill press.
I'm just taking him to the hospital.
You all right, sir? Okay, yeah, I'm good.
Buddy.
We'll get you some help.
Everything all right, Bobby? Yeah, I think so.
Can you get back in the front of the car please, sir? Of course.
Have any ID on you? Of course.
Something happen? No, nothing happened.
Just a routine stop.
Sir? Thank you, sir.
Can I have your license and registration please, sir? Please take your hood down, sir.
Thank you.
Industrial accident, factory fire.
That sweet bastard went back inside to save a cat.
Cat made it out fine.
I need to see everybody's ID, please.
Here you go, officer.
Essential, baby.
Essential.
All right, now Officer Bob was a polite fellow.
How are you, Jimmy? Okay, you're a family man.
I like that.
And those are some handsome kids.
Please Huh? What, this? Please Well, if you insist.
It's time to be a bird.
Go on.
Come on, get.
You got your whole life ahead of you.
We didn't intend to cut you out.
There wasn't enough money to go around.
And this wasn't what we banked on.
So this is plan B.
And whose plan is that? We made a pact.
There wasn't enough money for our needs.
We'd have to appropriate your share.
Howard says it's just a matter of priorities.
Huh.
Oh, for a minute there, I thought we were just getting screwed.
Hey, hey, hey, hey! You want to keep that good eye, keep your hand off my shit.
Shut up! Does Trudy know about this? It's not personal, Hap.
Oh, good, good.
What is it, then? Sacrifice.
Speed it up.
At this rate, we'll be here all night.
Come on.
Who the hell buries money anyway? Y'all been reading too many damn caper books.
With all these cops around, it's called being smart.
Maybe you two ought to try it some time.
If you're so smart, why are you burying this in front of us? - Hey! - Hey, hey, hey.
It's an awful lot of rough housing for a peacenik.
Now, look, you had that coming.
Ow.
Look, I never said I was against violence.
Sometimes the ends justify the means.
All right? So why don't you come over here and try that on me? Shove that gun so far up your ass you's taste gunpowder.
Come on! Chub, put the box in the hole.
Go ahead.
I got it.
All right, Leonard.
You fill it in.
Pretend it's a rose bush or something, whatever the hell you two do for work - They got fired.
- All right.
Whatever you know, whatever you did for work.
So this how y'all do, huh? All peaceful-like.
Get your gun up.
Hey.
Look like you gonna have to use that thing, Howard.
Ever kill a man before? I did.
Paco, fill it in.
These fellers have stepped in the wrong pile of shit.
Let's not rub it in.
They've been riding me since they got here.
If I'd have known I was coming Hey.
I'd have ridden you a hell of a lot harder.
This is everything.
This is this is the total.
The rest is unusable.
Well, it's it's not enough.
If we're smart about things, efficient, no more mistakes from here on out.
Y'all already made one mistake: pissing me off! You gonna use that, Chub? Just let us do our thing.
We'll let you go.
Howard doesn't want anybody to know about us yet.
You ain't got to worry about me telling nobody.
No, sir.
Think I want the world to know I got suckered by a bunch of idiots? What is this thing? You zip it, Chub.
Not supposed to say.
Come on.
Who we gonna tell, the couch? We're gonna buy some drugs.
Oh.
What, like, like grass? - Uh-uh, cocaine.
- Cocaine? - Chub! - Chub! You stupid shit.
All right, okay.
What the hell does buying cocaine have to do with making a difference to this world, huh? That wasn't part of the big pitch you sold me.
If we're gonna launch a sustainable movement, we need sustainable income.
They're gonna use cocaine to fund their cause.
How do you think the Mechanics survived as long as we did? By selling sweet Mary Jane to college students.
Cocaine's a bit different.
- Don't you think? - Exactly.
- Who buys cocaine? - Cokeheads, mostly.
People who can afford it.
It's a luxury drug.
Consider us a luxury tax.
We're gonna take it from the rich, and we're gonna use it to help the people that need it.
Like Robin Hood.
Last I remember, Little John didn't have no pager.
Y'all just a bunch of goddamn drug dealers.
No, no, we use the system to beat the system, and then we change the system.
You can beat my meat and preach about the system and the seals all you want Who said anything about the seals? What's with the seals? Why does he keep saying that? Whales, elephants, whatever.
You know what happens to drug dealers, hmm? They end up in prison or in a ditch with a bullet in the head.
Actually, that don't sound like a bad idea.
Paco's done this before.
He's got the connections.
Yeah, look at him now.
They handle the traffic.
We handle the income.
We stay clean.
Yeah, and then we have the power.
Power? You lost your drawers in the swamp.
What the hell you gonna do with any damn power? What makes you think we need an economics lesson from two out-of-work field hands? Technically, we're Rosarians, not field hands.
You two ain't thought this shit out, did you? Ignore him, Trudy.
You might have saved a couple of lives, but you're gonna ruin a bunch more.
Think them drugs just gonna reach the hands of some Hollywood big shot or up the nose of some Wall Street scumbag? They're gonna end up on the street in the hands of some kids don't even know what they hell they doing.
Don't listen to him.
He's just being derisive.
- Oh, that's a big word - Quiet.
For such a little asshole to fart.
All right, that's enough.
That was impressive.
You rehearse that? Nice girlfriend you got there.
Got more faces than a diamond.
Okay.
I admit that.
That took me by surprise.
And here we are, gun in face, duct-taped to a chair.
Mm, mm, mm.
Glider.
What? - It's a glider.
- It's my damn porch.
- I know what it is.
- Just saying.
You said enough, talking me into this mess.
- My nose itches.
- I don't care.
Oh, shit.
Shit.
Maybe we didn't think this through enough.
It's a little late to start second-guessing ourselves.
I thought this was what we wanted.
Of course it is, babe.
Of course.
I just want us to stay sharp.
We've never done anything like this before.
Paco has.
What if they're right? Don't let them get to you.
We have to play the game if we're gonna survive.
I'm not letting anyone get to me.
I'm just asking.
All right.
Is this who we are? It's like you say.
"The right path isn't always the easy one.
" I didn't know it was gonna turn out like this, guys.
I feel terrible.
I'm really sorry, for what it's worth.
Do you want anything? I want to take back saving your fat ass in the swamp.
They don't respect you.
You know that, right? They see you, they see a walking, talking pork chop, same as us.
Only thing, they ain't gonna slaughter you like they gonna do us.
I'm not gonna let that happen.
I understand your anger.
You could never understand my anger.
Chub.
Are we getting out of here? Howard said that he he'll drop you guys off at the state line tomorrow after we meet Paco's guy.
Chub.
Inside.
Dear Hap, it's been awhile.
I know.
I keep meaning to visit, but I never have been great at life.
I think of you often, though, you in there, making a difference, dedicated.
And me, out here, it's quiet, Hap.
I keep thinking it'll get easier, but then I remember, that's not how the world works.
And I'm never one to sit still, so I've decided to do something about it, to try and make a difference of my own.
I've moved to San Francisco.
It's a long way, but it really is for the best, for me, for the cause.
I've joined a group of people out here.
We march and protest against the war, like we used to do.
Feels good, you know, to be a part of something.
You know what they say.
Some things are just meant to be.
I've told them about you and what you're doing to make a stand.
I'm so proud of you, honey.
I love you.
Always did, always will.
Trudy.
You smoke now too, huh? Boy, you are just full of surprises.
Only when I'm nervous.
Oh, you are.
Hey, it could be worse.
You could be duct-taped to a glider.
Want to tell me what's going on? I would if I thought it would make you feel better.
Not too late to change your mind.
Call it off.
Let us go.
Take your share and run away.
You've done it before.
I'm done running.
This is my chance.
I'm taking it.
No matter who it hurts? I gave you every opportunity to be a part of this.
You made your choice.
Somebody always gets hurt, Hap.
This time, the greater good will win out.
Greater good? There was a time when that meant protesting against wars and marching for equality, not this.
You remember those two monks who set themselves on fire to protest the war? Mm.
I want that kind of dedication.
Oh, they were dedicated, all right.
They also got burned up.
I need to believe in something.
I've done a lot of things in my life.
I've failed at almost all of them.
I don't have another failure in me, Hap.
Even if it means this? Try and get some sleep.
About time you woke up.
We on speaking terms again, then? He came out here over an hour ago.
Howard told him to keep an eye on us.
Doing a pretty shitty job of it.
You think? Let's go.
Go? Where? Let's get out of here.
How? Get on your feet.
We're gonna walk this thing out to the woods and get it off us.
Make a run for it.
- You crazy? - You got a better idea? Shouldn't we have done this last night? I didn't think of it last night.
Now, come on.
You with me? Okay.
On three.
One, two, three.
Shh, shh, shh.
You're going too fast.
We're going too fast.
You shut up.
Just give me five.
Give me five.
Come on, now we're making progress.
Ready? Let's go.
Yeah, come on.
Could we just slow down? You're tripping on my toes.
Bitch, bitch, bitch.
Stepping on my damn corn.
- Just slow down.
- We ain't going slower.
We're going backwards.
Come on, this ain't so hard, is it? Looks pretty damn hard to me.
Now, do you fellas think you can make it back to the porch without falling? Oh, come on.
Going.
Well, I'm afraid you boys are coming with us.
After your great escape this morning, I can't exactly leave you here with Chub, can I? Cut 'em loose.
Come on, Chub.
Thought I told you to keep that thing on a leash.
Does that mean we're not friends anymore? Trudy! Trudy, come on.
One good bounce, you'll blow your pecker straight off.
You're like a real bandito now.
Just shut up.
You've already gotten me in enough trouble.
My heart bleeds.
Shut up, all of you.
Who's got the money? I do, some of it.
What do you mean, some of it? Look, Trudy and I talked it over.
We're taking 5,000 as a deposit.
A deposit? We're not going to a goddamn bank.
This guy's expecting the money, all of it, up front.
That was the deal.
We have to know we can trust him.
We have the money.
If they want to make the deal, we can get the rest.
Dealers ain't exactly the kind of people you want to get cute with.
We got to go back.
We got to get the money.
No, no, we're doing it this way.
If it's not good for you, we can turn around and forget the whole thing.
We're driving into a shitstorm, Howard.
What the hell is that? She's our gang.
Come on, let's move.
How you doing? Hey.
Hey, the revolutionaries.
Que pasa? - How the hell are you? - Well, we're here.
We're all right, man.
We're all right.
How are you? What is with Salt and Pepper? Huh? They helped us find the money, wasn't gonna cut them loose just yet.
- So you brought them along? - Mm-hmm.
I love it.
Yeah, hey, I'm Howard, man.
I know who you are.
You're the nerd or the professor or some shit.
Well, that's actually And he's the self-help gentle fellow.
I met her at the diner.
You look even lovelier out of your uniform.
And then she was married to Salt, right? That's Hap.
And then there's your jig.
- Leonard, yeah.
- Yeah, that's right.
So we we'd like to I'd like to deal quickly.
Of course.
Yeah, of course you would.
But first, let me intro well, ladies first.
That shapely piece of meat is Angel.
My name's Soldier.
Remember that.
In case things don't go down the way you like, you can come to me, and you can say, "Soldier, I'm not happy with the things went.
" And then I can say, "Tough shit.
" "Tough shit," I'll say right to you.
Okay, but enough of the pleasantries.
Who's got the money? This was a bad idea.
Paco, what is her name again? That's Trudy.
Okay, so who's running things here? You know, if you let her talk like that, I don't know, pretty soon the nig will be calling shots.
Chaos.
Well, excuse me, Mr.
Soldier, his name's Leonard.
You can call him anything that you'd like.
I do know a nigger when I see one.
Hey, wait a minute, now.
Sir? Sir? Hating a person because the color of their skin is not gonna get anything solved.
- Shut up, Chub.
- Who's You can't talk about someone 'cause the color of their skin.
Who asked that to make sounds? Well, not everybody agrees with the way he Hey, hey, we'll talk about it later.
But he used the N word.
- We'll talk about it later.
- No, come on, now.
Not everybody agrees with you.
Not now, Chub.
No, you hold on a second.
Just because he's black he's not allowed to use that word.
Chub.
Ow! Hey, hey, hey.
Anybody shit their pants? I almost did right there.
Paco, you really caught me off-guard.
Paco, we had a plan.
Wasn't much of a plan, was it, genius? You made a mistake when you trusted a man who burned his own face off, I think.
But no, there is no drug deal.
There's no drugs.
There's just Paco talking to me about the easy money y'all were gonna find.
Easy, my ass.
Thought I was gonna die of old age waiting for you guys to find it.
Paco, you're a piece of shit.
Shh.
I do like to hear myself as I'm speaking.
And shit is it's a little harsh.
I mean, it's more like a scrunched up piece of what do they wrap candy in, baby? Cellophane, innit? That's the stuff your face looks like, Paco.
Yeah.
I mean, no offense.
Fire will do that to a face.
It's normal.
And you should stop pretending like you're so noble.
Where's all that '60s free love shit now? You get a little taste of money, and you screwed over the first two dudes you could, and now I'm gonna screw you over, so Bet that makes you two feel a little bit better.
Lenny? Just a shade? Even better if you shot him in the foot.
Hey! I like that.
You're cool.
- Ain't he cool, babe? - He's cool.
Aah! Aah! That's just to let you guys know I am a serious kind of guy.
And now I would like to collect the money, so who who's holding? We had a deal.
We had a deal.
There is no deal.
There's the only deal is you don't give me what I want, then I blow your brains across the wall, and then I'll move down, and I'll get the black gentleman, and then I'll end with her, and I will just spray those titties all over this room.
They didn't bring it.
What did you say? There is money.
I saw it.
$5,000.
II have $5,000.
We brought a deposit, a down payment.
A down payment.
Am I a realtor? We were being cautious.
All right.
Okay, okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
So you're just not as stupid as I thought.
Where is the rest of the money? They buried it at Leonard's place.
I know exactly where it is.
Okay, well, I like that.
So here's what we'll do.
We'll, uh You're gonna go fix you're gonna fix his foot.
And then we will all get the rest of the money together.
Turn around.
Angel, baby, I am starting to like these folks.
Howie, come on.
Keep walking.
That's radical.
Keep walking, in the back.
Holy toys.
- Hap.
- Uh-huh? Tell me about the beach with them drinks with the little umbrellas in them again.
Going on a field trip.
It's warm in here.
It's stuffy.
This is a real piece of shit van you brought, Professor.
Oh, it's hot.
Hey, girl what is her name again? - Trudy.
- That's right.
Tell me, which one of these three desperados are you spreading your fine little gams for? My guess, my guess, whoever has the biggest ankle spanker, am I right? Well, guess what? Size is not all it's cranked up to be.
Isn't that right, baby? - That's right.
- Yeah, see? Average depth of the vaginal canal is only 6 inches.
So I figure whatever doesn't fit in, you're wasting it.
It's waste.
Ain't that true, baby? - Yeah, that's true.
- Yeah.
Most women, they go for the gusto.
They want the big salami even though it's mostly just pumping air.
I don't know, I guess it's the as - Aesthetics.
- That's the stuff.
Very American, very Texas, very bigger is better.
So tell me, doodle, you banging this handsome buck, hmm? Because we all know Nubian brothers are hung like rhinos.
Guess again.
He's a fudge packer.
What? Are you messing with me? You're messing with me.
Well, you don't look gay.
Bend over.
I'll show you.
Easy.
It's good.
That's funny.
He's funny.
He's a funny bunny.
I like him.
Isn't he funny, baby? He's funny.
So then what about Happy man here? Is he Do not tell me he's a toot shooter too.
Nope, he's so damn straight, he's got a padlock up his asshole.
They're friends.
Well, ain't that special.
A story I'd like to hear someday, but for now, which one of these two gentlemen are you porking, then, Trudes? Both.
Oh, that is phenomenal.
That is truly generous.
That is so kind.
What about you, Paco? Is she giving you a little something? She help you out with a little southern comfort? No, of course not.
And it's probably because of the face.
Well, it sounds like you folks are having a good ol' time at the ranch.
Me and Angel, we don't we're not she's a one-man woman.
And she's enough woman for any man, ain't that right, sugar plum? That's right.
Oh, baby.
Hey, Happy.
How'd you like to bang that? I'll tell you, it is it is quite a ride.
It's fun.
It's also very dangerous.
Look at her shoulders.
Bitch has a snatch like a bear trap.
She'll tear your dick right off.
She'll tear it clean off if she wants to, gone.
Not Trudy, though.
No way, she's very, very different.
I bet she's all soft and warm on the inside, taffy-like, like dropping into a hot chicken pot pie.
You asshole.
What? Thought so.
I'm not afraid of you.
Go ahead, shoot me.
Make you feel like a big man.
Shut up! He'll do it.
He's gonna do it anyway.
I won't give him the satisfaction of being scared.
Look, please, ignore her.
She's always been a little unstable and She doesn't know what she's saying.
Sounds to me like she knows exactly what she's saying.
No, she doesn't look, I don't feel that way.
And I can see that you're a business man, right? I can see that.
And what I can also see is that you're a reasonable Howie, come on, she's She has more balls than you will ever have.
She's got balls so big, I bet Lenny wants a piece.
Lenny? You get it? We got the cops.
So what? I love cops.
Let's go.
How y'all doing? Hey, officer, my buddy caught his Sir, please slow down.
He caught his toe in a drill press.
I'm just taking him to the hospital.
You all right, sir? Okay, yeah, I'm good.
Buddy.
We'll get you some help.
Everything all right, Bobby? Yeah, I think so.
Can you get back in the front of the car please, sir? Of course.
Have any ID on you? Of course.
Something happen? No, nothing happened.
Just a routine stop.
Sir? Thank you, sir.
Can I have your license and registration please, sir? Please take your hood down, sir.
Thank you.
Industrial accident, factory fire.
That sweet bastard went back inside to save a cat.
Cat made it out fine.
I need to see everybody's ID, please.
Here you go, officer.
Essential, baby.
Essential.
All right, now Officer Bob was a polite fellow.
How are you, Jimmy? Okay, you're a family man.
I like that.
And those are some handsome kids.
Please Huh? What, this? Please Well, if you insist.