Happily Divorced (2011) s01e04 Episode Script

- Happily divorced is shot Before a live audience.
- Hey, fran! I was cleaning out the closet.
You'll never guess what I found hidden in there.
- You? - Oh, I never tire of that one.
- [laughs.]
- Just like I never tire of looking at this.
- Oh, your old head shots From the 15 minutes you wanted to be an actress.
- You know, I should've stuck with that.
Every agent wanted to sign me when they saw me.
- And then they heard you.
Now, is there a reason you're saving All these old love letters From your high school boyfriend? - Yes! Richard was the first love of my life.
- Oh, he was a cutie.
Remember how he used to lifeguard At the community pool? - Do I! I used to walk up and down In front of his stand all summer long, Just covered in baby oil and iodine.
- By August, everybody thought we were sisters.
All: [laugh.]
- All right, well, you don't need them anymore, right? - No, I most certainly do.
These are important to me.
- Ooh! These are pretty hot.
I don't feel right reading these.
You done with page two? - Yeah, almost, almost.
[gasps.]
oh, my god! You made out with a gremlin? - In a gremlin, in a gremlin.
Give me those.
- Oh! You know, I wonder what ever happened to richie.
- I'd sure like to know.
- Let's google him, see what he's up to.
- Okay.
- Ooh! Okay, well, he's either the third earl of essex - Mm.
- An eagle scout Who ironically saved an eagle Or a very successful real estate developer Who lives here now! - I'll take bachelor number three! See if you can see a picture of him.
I'm dying to know what he looks like.
- I wouldn't get too excited.
Straight men don't moisturize.
- Baby is fine! - OhVery attractive.
- Muy guapo.
- Oh, come on! You have no idea when this was taken.
- June.
I wonder if he's single.
- He got married in 1990 - Oh.
- But his wife died in 2005.
- Oh? - Why don't you call him? His number's right here.
- You think I should? - Why not? Wouldn't it be funny if you wound up with him After all these years? - You know, I always wondered What my life would've been like If I had followed richard to penn state Instead of coming to california.
- Then you never would've met me.
- Give me the number, give me the number.
- she was certain that he was her one and only but their union always seemed a little forced she got married anyway turns out that he was gay they're still in love but now she's happily divorced - Richard hasn't seen me in 25 years, judy.
I-I wanna look the same.
- Yeah, and I wanna be beyonce.
Trust me, trust me, you lookDoable.
And who knows what men want more than I do, baby? - Peter! - What? What do you want? - Help me.
Do me.
Make me good.
- All right.
Well These come off the shoulder, The hair goes to one side.
The boobs are up.
Put your boobs up.
Get these up.
Do something here.
Make 'em go up.
Make 'em go-- cr-cross your arms.
Make--make cleav-- there.
- Wow.
Even with a gay ex-husband, You get more action than I do.
- Well, thanks, you guys.
I couldn't have done it without you.
Now, do me a favor and get lost.
- Hey, come on.
Why can't we stay and meet him? - Yeah, why not? - Well, for once I would like to have a date with a guy Without having to introduce peter, My ex who lives in the den, Judi, my same ol' friend from high school, And cesar, who's always listening from behind me.
Is richard here yet? - He just pulled up in a very nice car.
- Oh, come on, frannie, we'll be good! - Well, can you at least get some glasses and wine? We'll have a little cocktail.
- Oh, yeah--no, no, no.
Do you think we're stupid? - What? - Oh, that's right.
The minute we go in there, you'll be out the front door.
- Oh, fine.
I'll get the wine and glasses.
Jeesh! - 18 years.
You don't think I know her every move? - Oh, frannie! Why don't we invite richie to my showcase Friday night? You coming, right? - Oh, yeah.
Can I bring a date? - Of course.
- Know anybody? - [laughs.]
She snuck out the back, didn't she? - Yeah, she snuck out the back.
+ :B is, like, the best time I can ever remember us having.
- Outside of your gremlin! Both: [laugh.]
- Honest to god, it's like no time has passed.
You even look the same.
- [laughing.]
oh Stop! [laughs.]
I'm just so glad I looked you up.
Who says cyber stalking only ends in tragedy? - [laughs.]
you know, it's-- I hate to say good night.
- Oh, well, then don't.
Come on in.
- No chance your, uh, parents are gonna walk in on us? - [laughs.]
no.
Maybe just my ex-husband.
- Really? Like, he still lives with you? Are--are you guys trying to work it out or - [laughing.]
oh, no.
That ship has sailed.
And sunk.
- Oh.
- It's just that he's a realtor, And with the market being what it is, We're kind of stuck here.
- Huh.
- Won't you sit down? - Uh.
Oh, well, I-- that's good, 'cause I thought I had something to worry about.
- [laughing.]
oh, no.
He's gay.
- Fantastic! Is there any way I can meet him? - [chuckles.]
do I have something to worry about? - [laughs.]
no, no, no, no, no.
I got a brand-new condo development In west hollywood.
I don't have a listing agent yet, And do you think that he-- - Hello, richard! Hi, I'm peter lovett.
Condo king.
2007.
Realtor of the year.
Nominee.
- I don't know if you heard that-- - Oh, he did.
He did.
- I got 30 units on san vicente I'd love for you to see tomorrow if you're free.
- He is, he is.
- And I wanna see you again, fran, If you're free tomorrow night.
- She is, she is.
- [laughs.]
- Great, then.
I guess I'll see you both tomorrow! - Yeah! Good.
- Oh, this was so much fun! - It was great! - What a pleasure.
- Great to meet you.
- Thank you so much For dropping by.
- Absolutely.
It was a real pleasure.
Exactly.
- Drive carefully, darling.
Bye-bye.
- Yeah, be safe out there.
Both: I love him! - [sighs loudly.]
[louder sigh.]
- What's the matter, cesar? - Well, I was just thinking about what's going to happen To me if you marry mr.
Richard.
You're going to close our shop To become one of those rich ladies With the little dog and the big lips.
- Cesar, I just started seeing richard.
We haven't even-- Why, did he say something to you? - Richard's picking me up to show me the condos.
How do I look? - Like you're on a cruise to mykonos.
Don't wear that! You don't look professional.
- Fran, this is "gay professional.
" This says I just left the gym, I stopped off for a beet and goat cheese salad, And if you're lucky I might sell you a condo.
- All right.
Well, first of all, Give me back my sunglasses.
And second of all, you should change.
He's never gonna go for that.
- Uh, I think I know richie pretty well.
- You just met him last night.
- He texted me all day.
- How many texts did you get? - Four.
- Six! - [knocking.]
hey, gorgeous.
Both: Hi.
- He was talking to me.
- So.
Oh, peter.
That's a lot of white.
- I told him.
- No.
It's great.
The lobby's all white.
- Of course the lobby's all white.
All class, just like you, richard.
Tasteful, savvy, stylish.
Whimsical.
- Butt-kissing.
- Miss fran, I'm going to make some deliveries.
- Oh, okay.
Oh, richard.
Say hello to cesar, my employee.
- Oh, nice to meet you.
- Hi.
- Oh, I think I'm blocking you.
Do you mind moving my lamborghini? - Uh Okay! [giggles.]
I might have to drive around the city A couple of times to find a good spot.
Make this work for us.
- Hey, listen.
Listen.
What are you doing next weekend? - Oh, I have plans.
- Oh? What are you doing? - Seeing you.
- Oh, that's what I was hoping.
You know, I got a little I was thinking about taking her over to catalina.
How 'bout coming with me? I'm sorry.
It's too soon? - No, no.
I'm packing in my head.
- [laughs.]
Are--are you as happy as I am? - Happier! - How--how amazing is this? I mean, first of all, you and I reconnect, And we're perfect together.
Then I need a guy for my project in boys' town, And your ex-husband ends up being one of them.
- [chuckles.]
+ - So, things are going good with richard? - Yeah.
- I always liked him.
The mother, I couldn't stand.
She cut in front of me on line at the waldbaum's.
- Sweetheart, what's wrong? You look nauseous.
You want cake? - There's just something about richard That keeps bothering me.
- Why are you so picky? This one's short, that one's tall, This one's gay.
- Well, this one's fantastic.
I mean, he's great.
He's successful and sexy And I could see myself spending The rest of my life with him.
Both: But? - I just get the feeling That richard might be prejudiced.
- What are you talking about? He knew you were jewish.
- Not us, daddy.
- What, then? Judi? - No.
- Cesar? - Mm-mm.
- I'm running out of minorities here.
- Peter.
- [gasps.]
peter.
- Our peter? - No.
Paul and mary's peter.
Of course, our peter.
Richard referred to him as "one of them.
" - What do you mean, one of them? When did he say that, and in what context? - Well, it was right after he hired him To sell 30 luxury condos, But before he kissed me and invited me on his yacht.
- Oh, sweetheart.
You're going to be alone forever.
- Okay, you have got to marry that man.
- Listen to your husband! - I am now the exclusive realtor For the sexiest condo complex in the city.
Mykonos towers.
I named it myself.
- Ooh.
- And if things go well, I might just buy one of 'em.
- Oh, one of 'em! You hear that, fran? Peter must hate condos.
- [laughs.]
Okay, okay.
Maybe I was being a little, uh-- - Picky.
- I was gonna say "overly sensitive.
" - My meshuggeneh daughter thinks That richard is prejudiced.
- No.
He knows you're jewish.
- You're right.
I mean, I'm crazy.
The guy's a great guy.
I-I'm thrilled.
I'm so lucky.
Thank you! - I met his mother today.
Such a nice woman.
So nice, I took her picture.
Not bad for a 74-year-old.
- 74, my ass.
- Oh, there's the man! He is on fire.
We have three showings tomorrow.
- Oh, stop.
Four.
- Oh.
- [laughs.]
- Hey, scotch and the appletinis.
- Mm.
- Uh, let me get this, rickster.
- No, no, no, no, no.
I've got my card at the bar.
Bring us a couple of those jumbo shrimp cocktails.
[mouthing silently.]
- Ladies and gentlemen, Ms.
Judith mann And three boys looking for an agent.
[applause.]
- Thank you, thank you.
I woke up this morning jumping out of bed looked into the mirror and this is what I said I gotta find some joy let go all that mean stuff find some joy look inside that in-between stuff reach for joy hear yourself say I found joy, yeah Ooh, look what joy I found.
I want y'all to give it up for my boys.
Brent, roderigo, And tony.
oh, yeah - Come on, fran.
We have to go.
- What? Why? - Come on, let's go.
- Judi's still singing here.
And, oh! The shrimp are just coming.
Richard, what's happening? - One of those dancers out there Is, uh, my son.
- I didn't even know you had a son.
- Well, I do.
- Well, why are we leaving? - We haven't spoken to each other in three years.
- Why? - Fran, my son is gay.
- And there it is.
- Come on, let's leave.
I'll take you anywhere you want to go.
- No, I want to go to before I knew all this.
- Fran-- - Ugh, I knew there was something about you, And I was right.
I hate being right.
Oh, I thought you were such a great guy.
- I am a great guy.
Nothing has changed Just because I don't talk to my son.
It's the way I want it.
And that's the way he wants it.
- Richard, you're prejudiced.
- I am not prejudiced.
Look at where I am.
I don't have a problem with these guys.
I don't have a problem with peter.
I have a problem with my son being gay.
- Because you're prejudiced! - You don't understand.
You don't know what it is To pour your heart and your soul Into someone for 18 years, And then everything you hoped for, Everything you dreamed of, Just vanishes.
You don't know what that's like.
- I don't know what that's like? Do you see that man standing behind me With the mint green drink Who better not have left my purse out there.
Richard, love isn't conditional.
Love is love.
That man is the biggest pain in the ass in the world, And I still love him.
I'm sorry, richard, But I can't be with someone Who doesn't feel the same way.
- So-- so what are you saying? Are--are you saying that you would give up Everything that we could have together Over this one thing? - Richard, I would rather live my life In misery and hell with that annoying man Than live in luxury and endless passion with you.
Wait.
No, no.
That's what I gotta do.
- Okay, I I guess, then That's it? - Yes, that's it.
Oh [moaning.]
- Pain in the ass.
- I was trying to make a point.
- You know, make a point about yourself.
You're no picnic to live with.
How do you feel, honey? - Single.
How do you feel? - Broke.
- [sighs.]
- How could we be so blind? - We were in love.
- Mm.
- But you had a feeling.
- I did.
I had a feeling.
But I didn't listen to it.
- You have to listen to - You have to listen to the feelings.
- You just didn't listen.
Let's be honest here.
That guy did not look like his picture.
- Right? - No.
- He had a lot of deep lines in his face From driving the boat.
- Oh.
We're not boat people.
- No, we don't like boats.
- We don't like boats.
- Every weekend.
Catalina, cancun.
- Come on.
- St.
Tropez.
- It's exhausting.
- The man never sits still.
- 'cause he's not happy.
He's not a happy per-- you're a happy person.
- I am, I'm a-- I'm a happy person.
- Frannie, you dodged a bullet.
Look, if you had followed that guy to college, Then you probably would have married him.
And then it would be your son that he'd disowned, And you'd have to divorce him, And then where would you be? - In the house in st.
Tropez I got in the settlement, With a son I could shop with For the rest of my life.
I just wish there was a way That I could show richard How sorry he's gonna be some day.
- Well.
We could make him a little sorry now.
He left a credit card here with an open tab.
- Appletinis for everyone! [cheering.]
- All right, fran.
Now can we get rid of the junk in this box? - No, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I got all these head shots.
I was thinking that since we need a couple of bucks, I would get back into the acting field.
- Frannie, don't you think you would need new pictures? - Why? Oh, I get it.
I get it.
It's because my hair is much shorter here.
- Yes.
- The hair's short.
And now it's long, and it's not gonna - Of course, you don't really need a head shot If you're gonna be going into voice overs.
Right? - You wanna get this one, baby?