Happy Endings s01e04 Episode Script

Okay, in no way is this movie based on a true story.
It's a future true story.
A zombie apocalypse is going to happen.
l mean, why do you think l live the way l do? Hmm, lack of ambition, no self-respect.
Credit score in the ones.
No, guys, zombies.
l mean, studies show only one of us would survive.
The question is, which one? Depends on survival strategy, you know? Are we talking strength to fight them or ability to blend in and live amongst them? Amongst? We doing amongst now? Mm-hm.
Can we focus up here, okay? This is life and death.
All right, if we're gonna do ability to blend in, l say Dave.
- He's basically a zombie.
- What? Yeah, l've seen your daily routine, bro.
Wake up at 7:00, shower, eat the same fiber-based cereal that is clearly geared towards menopausal women.
Her Choice Crunch is for everyone.
Eh And, like a zombie, you don't really have any hopes or dreams.
l have dreams.
Really? Look, l am still working on opening my own restaurant.
Oh, yeah, you were just mentioning that, like, six years ago.
Yeah, but l made these delicious steak sandwiches for us tonight, despite the fact that Max's oven only goes up to 150.
l can tell you who would die first in a zombie attack.
l mean, it's obviously Max.
Heh.
l did that double-spit take to illustrate how insane you sound right now.
l'm sorry, Brad, but Jane would die first.
Me? Oh, yeah.
You are out of shape, you have no marketable talents, - and you have no survival skills.
- There are things in this world that you love.
That's slows people down.
My cold, black heart and living without attachments to anyone or anything, that's my greatest asset right there.
Don't do this, dude.
She is seriously competitive.
MAN With that 59th hot dog, Kobayashi is now the best competitive eater in the world.
l need 60 hot dogs and an egg timer.
Let the zombie Olympics begin, crazy hot-dog lady.
Bring it on.
On your mark, get set, go.
Make it work, baby.
Get him, baby.
So l'm really a zombie? You could stand to shake things up a bit.
l know that selling meat isn't a dream job, but l make good money.
It's restaurant adjacent, and l just got comfortable taking deuces there.
Well, you know, the bright side, zombies are super in right now.
No, l'd rather be a vampire.
Ha, ha.
We'd all rather be vampires, bro.
Crushed it! Right now, Max's face is being eaten off by zombies.
This is not over between us.
Bring it.
Okay, l own you, all right? l am in your head, and l got a three-bedroom condo in there with a marble island and a pizza oven and a wine fridge.
Okay, we got it.
Okay, but you do know that that's my dream kitchen, right? You guys just go, okay? l'm about to hit my runner's high.
We're going out tonight.
We're gonna do it big.
My laundry day outfit is not meant for public eyes.
It's all right, it's a Laundromat.
Everyone here's a weirdo.
Heh.
What? Not you.
Oh, you know what? l gotta get some quarters.
Nice outfit.
Hi.
You, too.
So you come here often? Only when my clothes are dirty.
Ah, so we have that in common.
l'm Toby.
Penny.
You know, these dryers take forever.
You wanna go next door, get a cup of coffee? Oh, um Yes.
Sure.
Yeah.
Heh.
Okay.
Make sure you fax the branch.
Did you see the third quarter, Brian? The top sirloin's $10 a pound, it's flash-frozen to retain all the nutrients.
Thank you for calling TransCorps, have a great day.
l spend so much time trying to look good, and then l wear my grungiest outfit and a cute guy is into me.
l should hang out in Laundromats more.
Yes, l'll have to put up with a lot of abandoned underpants, but once in a while, cute guy.
Rockefeller over here, too good for free underpants.
l cannot wait for you guys to meet Toby.
Oh, my God, we are into all the same things: The Home Shopping Network, baby animals on the lnternet.
He even thinks it's cool that l needlepoint.
It sounds like you're dating my grandma.
Oh, l just got a text from Jane.
She's building an addition on the condo she has in my brain.
Not okay.
Not during a recession.
Toby's here.
Why is he still dressed like that? Oh, my God, you know what he is, right? He's a hipster.
Oh, no.
The skinny jeans, the scarf no matter the season.
This guy's a hipster.
Those things you like, he likes them ironically.
You don't know that.
Yes, l do.
l can smell him from here, and he smells like a flea market.
Watch your mouth.
Oh, hey.
You ready to go? l just heard about this awesome underground mix tape swap.
Max is right.
Hey, that bike lock out there, is that also your belt? Oh, l know, right? Yeah.
Uh, what's with the get-up? Oh.
It's, uh It's Penny's laundry day.
Heh.
You must love doing laundry.
l really attract stains, you know? All over.
Ha, ha.
Let's head out.
All right.
See you.
Nice to meet you.
The pleasure is ours.
Take it easy.
You guys were right, l'm a zombie.
ln my job, with Alex.
She did literally run away from you at the wedding.
You should have ate her brains when you had the chance.
But, see, that's it.
l'm done.
l'm making some serious and aggressive changes in my life.
Okay, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
l'm 29.
l'm not going into my 30s in the same place l am now.
Uh-uh, no you didn't.
Which is why l'm quitting my job and l'm opening my own restaurant.
Really, what? Come again? Who's gonna pay the rent? Dave quit his job? Don't worry, not yet.
But he's definitely going to.
That's not like Dave.
Someone needs to tell him that's a horrible idea.
He has tons of debt and the economy sucks.
How can you tell a man not to follow his dream? l know another man that had a dream, Fievel, in An American Tail.
Are you gonna tell Fievel he can't go west? You just switched movies at the end there.
It's about a dream, and we are not dream-crushers, like some blonde ladies.
What are you doing with your thumb? l'm thumb-pointing.
l can see it.
Guys, great news, l found my inspiration basket.
l don't know what's more upsetting, you have one, or that you call it that.
It's got all my restaurant ideas and my menus l've collected over the years, to-do list.
''Get haircut.
'' Maybe l will, 2007 Dave.
Maybe l will.
Anything you guys wanna say? Nope.
Uh, no.
Just good luck with that haircut, bro.
Thanks.
Look, l'll talk some sense into him, and he'll get it, all right? Dave and l have been friends forever.
We're on the same bravelength.
Bravelength.
It's ''Brad'' and ''Dave'' wavelength.
Oh.
Yeah.
Don't act like you didn't have to explain that, because that made no sense at all.
Two words to describe my date with Toby, re dick.
He took me to this secret Foursquare party and there was a band made up entirely of Speak & Spells.
And that was fun? l think so.
Are you sure about this guy? l feel you're doing that thing where you take on characteristics of the guy you're dating.
l don't do that.
Hi! Hey.
Love makes us do crazy things.
Does it? Max, l really like him, okay? And you've gotta just tell me what to do so l don't embarrass myself.
Okay.
You've gotta do everything l say.
Follow every direction without asking a single question.
Hipster rule number one, never try.
Never put effort into anything.
Got it.
Like a flight attendant.
Uh-huh, that's right.
We're gonna need to put jeans under that skirt and sweats over those jeans.
Hipster rule number two, only like things ironically: Books, movies, TV shows, the environment.
Oh, look at that.
Okay, you're playing ping pong against Jude Law.
Ah! You're brewing coffee for Glenn Close.
Guys, you know l sell clothes here, nice clothes.
Alex, adults are speaking here.
Hipster rule number three: You can never show too much enthusiasm.
l can do that.
Can you? Get down on it Fight it, Pen.
Don't dance.
Don't dance.
She can dance.
Look how much fun that is.
Don't feel it.
Look how much fun that is.
Look at much fun we're having.
Too much fun.
Too much fun.
Don't dance.
Good.
Final rule: Everything is dumb.
Someone says something you don't understand, you just go, ''l'm over it.
'' FroYo, over it.
- Other stuff, over it.
- Great.
Just missing one thing.
Oh, perfect.
Go, my little weirdo.
Uh, careful, though.
Just watch your way.
Please be careful.
Those are prescript.
l'll pay for that.
All right, next zombie challenge, bring it or bling it.
Not a real phrase.
Zombies sense motion, so what we're gonna do is the person who sits still the longest wins, and that will be me, because you are a type A nutjob who can't sit still.
Oh, please.
It is on like Donkeytron.
You're trying to sound confident, but you sound like a 50-year-old divorcee talking to their stepson.
The game will begin in three, two, one.
You wanna clean up that beer so bad.
Uh-uh.
Clean up the beer.
Mm, look at it spilling all over the ground, making a huge mess.
God, you gotta clean up the beer.
Okay, it is not just messy, it is unsafe.
The zombies have taken you down, and l am using your body as a sleeping bag, tauntaun style.
By the way, l have no idea whose boxers those are.
Oh, God.
Oh, l do.
They're Gary, the Polish neighbor's.
He came over and cooked pierogies.
Ew.
You ran into that guy really hard back there.
l feel like l pretty convincingly turned it into a hug.
Oh, and meet my friends lone and Atticus.
Hey.
She has a blog about zines and he won the mustache contest three years in a row.
Pfft, like l care.
See that guy? He's right-handed, but he refuses to play with his dominant hand.
Oh.
It's too commercial.
He's huge on the abandoned gas station circuit.
What do you think? Oh over it.
Totally.
Yeah.
Yeah, l'm super over it.
Why are we even here? l don't know.
First of all, welcome.
l'd like to introduce you to Chicago's revolutionary new dining experience.
So many cuisines from around the world, how do you choose just one? You're married, right, sir? Yeah, to Jane.
You know that.
Let's say the two of you are going out to dinner.
You want Mexican, she wants Japanese.
What do you do? We get Japanese.
Exactly.
There's no way to decide.
That's why l give you Pangaea Grill.
Nine hundred dishes from all on one menu, baby.
Oh, all right.
Ha, ha, ha.
Seems like a lot.
Did you spend $17,000 at the copy store? And l know this is gonna take capital.
That's why tomorrow l am meeting with a restaurant investor.
This is it, guys! Let's celebrate.
Pangaea Grill.
Champ, coming.
What the hell, Brad, l thought you talked to Dave? l gotta say, ever since l decided to pursue this dream again, l'm so happy.
l mean, l went to a dark place, man, like applying-to-grad-school dark.
l'm sorry, what did you wanna talk about? Uh, Hillary Clinton.
l voted for her.
l never told anybody that.
Feels really good to get it off my chest.
There was a glitch in the bravelength.
Okay, someone needs to talk to him.
Yes, before he starts feeding Chicago lnuit blubber tacos.
Well, it can't be me.
l've crushed his entire personal life this year.
l cannot blow up his professional life.
l'm not at a point right now in my life where l can be taken seriously.
Okay, somebody has got to talk to him.
This is absolutely Dave! Dave.
- Al, can you help me? - Yeah, sure.
Guys, l wanna thank you for your support.
You know, l couldn't do this without you.
Thank you for believing in me, Kyeizu tin ba de.
All right, champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends.
To Pangaea.
To Pangaea.
To Pangaea.
To Pangaea.
Pangaea.
How's that condo you're building in my brain now, huh? What's that? You built it too quick and the economy collapsed and now you're out on the street doing hand stuff for food- Ugh! How did we tie? Ugh! Two-two again? Okay, okay, there is one category left ruthlessness.
But l haven't figured out how to measure that.
Oh, mug a baby.
No.
But you're in the right area.
Hey, guys, you wanna come to a super-fun party on Friday night with Toby and all his friends? No way.
It's gonna be totally normal.
No, it's not.
Fine.
It's a Long lsland '90s bat mitzvah theme.
Oh, hipsters.
Aren't you getting a little tired of this? l mean, the clothes, the antique yo-yos, you've been making lanyards for four hours.
Just seems like a lot of work.
What relationship isn't work? Affleck and Garner.
Those kids got it figured out.
Okay, yes, knowing what's cool and what's not cool is exhausting.
But l'm learning, and Toby's worth it.
Come on Friday, for me? There's a thumb-wrestling tournament at the after party.
Are any of these people adults? They will be after the bat mitzvah.
lmagine the beginning of time meets the future of food and that, my good man is Pangaea Grill.
One world, one restaurant.
lncredible.
l have to call my partners in to hear this.
Great.
When they get here, pitch it again.
Same way.
Okay.
As if you don't know it's the stupidest idea l've ever heard.
Okay.
What? l made a big mistake.
You can't blame yourself.
No, no, l'm not, you know? l get it, economy's bad, which is why l'm gonna bypass the whole traditional investor thing and cash in on my 401 K.
Plus, l'm working with this guy who told me a way l can get a little cash from his dad.
Sounds sketchy, right? Wrong.
All l gotta do is take a box of calling cards to an airfield in lndiana.
Cut and dry.
What's wrong? Light beer? You don't believe in this whole Pangaea thing? l love restaurants.
We- We- We all love restaurants.
Yeah, l get it.
l get it.
Dave, come Well, this is officially out of hand and none of you guys is gonna say anything? Really? It is light beer.
Fine.
l'll do it.
And this all started as your standard ''Who would have survived the zombie apocalypse'' debate.
Can you imagine what would happen if we ever had a real conversation? Hey.
l know, Pangaea was a stupid idea.
No, not totally.
Just had a lot of stupid stuff surrounding it.
Dave, l know that you think that l'm a dream crusher, but in this case l just wanna be a dream compactor.
Like this dream.
Okay, that's not fair.
The hand gestures make compacting look adorable, so This huge scheme is not you, okay? You're reasonable and responsible.
l know.
l'm so reasonable and l'm so responsible it turned me into a zombie, all right? l got that message loud and clear.
Okay, but look, there's a middle ground.
You don't need to go from zero to 60 in- Whatever.
l don't know car stuff.
Look, you don't need sushi, you don't need Kazak food.
You don't need to try and make the vegans happy.
They never will be.
Steak sandwich, okay? Stick with what you're good at.
Start small.
A little sandwich shop, maybe.
l still need to find some money.
Are you proposing to me? Because l feel like we have a weird history.
l know you said that l could keep it, but l want you to have it.
It's not gonna cover everything, but it's a start.
Thanks, Al.
Hey, l can call my shop Steak Me Home Tonight.
No, you can't do that.
Okay.
You don't look very ruthless to me, Jane.
Can't outrun a zombie in those heels.
ln high school, l beat up a girl in these heels.
Noelle should have never stepped to you if she didn't wanna lose that clump of hair.
You guys, thank you so much for coming.
Watch the crimp.
You look amazing.
Let's get this '90s bat mitzvah on.
It's gonna be insanity.
Uh, no one here is dressed up.
l am super-happy with my choices.
Ooh, gefilte fish.
You guys seem to be putting in a lot of effort.
Yeah, we're dressed for a '90s bat mitzvah.
Yeah, crimped hair, yarmulkes, seems a little obvious.
Obvious? To be dressing up for a costume party? Um, this is a theme party.
There's a difference.
Look, it's just not cool to try so hard.
We are trying too hard? lone wears an empty fanny pack everywhere.
Atticus spends his weekends at yard sales scrounging around for jean shorts.
Plus, his name is Atticus.
l've seen you wearing headphones that aren't attached to anything, and this girl is in a fake wheelchair.
l was in a really serious accident.
Oh, my God, l'm so sorry.
J/K, l can totes walk.
Cool chair, though, right? Okay, that's it, you're done.
Listen up, hipsters.
Yeah, maybe l do try too hard, okay? But that's because trying hard can be fun.
And you know what else is fun? Actually liking things.
Like this song, l like this song.
l like it a lot, and not ironically.
l ''like it'' like it, and so do my friends.
Guys, we're dancing out.
I'm too sexy for my cat Too sexy for my cat Poorpussy Poorpussy cat Guys.
This is not awkward.
Here, come- Here we go.
Okay.
You showed them.
Okay.
You're good.
The legs.
Night.
Oh, a food truck.
Thank God, l'm starving.
- Yeah, me too.
- Ugh, l'm hung.
David? ls this yours? It's awesome.
l know.
l got some really good advice from a special person and decided to start small.
It's all about the bravelength, brother.
No, no, not you.
Uh, Alex.
So l'm not gonna quit my job.
l'm just gonna do this part-time.
Food trucks are huge right now.
This thing is awesome.
Although, l cannot drive it.
l definitely hit something on the way over here.
Was it a man? Was it a log? Was it a beast? We'll never know.
Hey, guys, food truck.
Hey, hipsters love food trucks.
Dude, l don't have any food.
Ooh, they're not gonna like that.
Well, l can't lose my biggest consumer base.
They'll tweet me out of business.
Everybody get in the truck.
Max, you distract the hipsters.
Hey, everybody, look over there! Sophia Coppola's playing badminton with Jason Schwartzman.
Drive! Drive! lmpressive moves back there with those hipsters.
Maybe we'd both do okay in a zombie apocalypse.
Are you kidding? With our skills combined, we'd be unstoppable.
Oh, there's more of them.
What? Ruthlessness! - Whoo! - All right.
Okay, very funny, guys.
Throw your friend out of a car.
Slow down.
Dave, slow down, l can't run.
l didn't stretch today, so don't- Slow down.
Ah! l pulled my hamstring, Dave.
Dave, l pulled my hammy out.
Slow down.
l pulled my other hamstring out.
l pulled my other hamstring out! Dave! Dave, you're- This is not something that friends do to each other.
l have a cramp.