Happy Together (2018) s01e04 Episode Script

1 Hey, Jake, I'm back from the framers.
I can't wait to get this thing hung up on the wall.
Well, you won't have to wait long, little lady.
There's a new sheriff in town, and that frame is about to hang.
- Mm.
Ah, ah, ah.
- (WHIRRING) (EXHALES SHARPLY) (SOUTHERN ACCENT): Are you sure that you're the sheriff? Can I see your badge? Well, you're gonna have to wait about five minutes.
I was just upstairs polishing it.
Okay, guys, hi.
Hi, guys.
Um Before you get too deep into your cowboy role-play, I just wanted to let you know I'm in the room.
JAKE: Oh, no, it's You can stay, Cooper.
Well, I guess I do live here rent-free.
Give me one second, I'll go upstairs, get my cowboy hat.
- No, no, no, no.
No.
- What? What? No.
No.
No.
Ha-ha.
He means we're actually hanging a photo.
See? What? Oh.
It's from our wedding.
- Aw.
- Yeah.
You were so emotional.
And, Claire, you look gorgeous.
Step aside, Jake.
Your mother-in-law is here to teach you how to screw.
Say something, Gerald.
I made it weird.
GERALD: Uh Make way.
Daddy's big drill is coming through.
I made it worse.
Uh, Claire, what are your parents doing in our house again? Oh.
I-I just mentioned to them that we were hanging a picture, and they came over to help.
But I spent my whole morning learning how to do this.
I started off googling "well hung pictures," and let's just say my confidence could use a boost.
It's all good, Jake.
We got it.
Already got my stud finder out.
Beep.
Beep, beep, beep.
Uh-oh.
It looks like he found one.
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
Beep, beep, beep wow! (LAUGHS) Ha, ha.
Picture hung.
(WHOOPS) Construction work is hard.
Feels like we earned ourselves a couple cold ones.
Already got 'em chilling in my purse, baby.
- (LAUGHS): Yeah.
- (LAUGHS) - Bye.
- Bye.
Thank you.
- Bye.
- Mm.
Bye.
Man, I love living with you guys.
It's so nice to be with a family of young adults who aren't too proud to let the older generation do everything for 'em.
Claire, did you hear that? Yeah.
He called us young.
No, I'm talking about your parents doing everything for us.
Cooper's right.
I mean, look at our wedding photo.
They chose the venue, the flowers, your mom deejayed.
The only thing I got to choose was you.
- Aw.
- Mm-mm, Claire, don't get lost in my buttery sweetness.
I'm upset.
Come on, you know how my parents are.
They love to do stuff for me 'cause I'm their pride and joy.
Also, they're afraid that I'm gonna put them in a home.
Well, now that they're retired, it's like they took all their energy from being doctors and focused it entirely on us.
Well, us and drinking.
Well, us and drinking and denying climate change.
Imagine me and you, I do I think about you day and night It's only right So happy together.
(VOCALIZING) (COUGHING) (SNIFFLES) Hey.
As soon as I got your text about being sick, I went straight to CVS to pick up a little Claire-package.
Uh, we've got DayQuil, uh, VapoRub, and both Imodium and Ex-Lax, depending on the direction of traffic.
Thanks.
Uh, but what about work? Ah, they're having a diversity seminar, and I want them all to sweat when they see I'm not there.
I'm just so happy you called me first, - and not your parents - That'll be all, Nurse Davis.
Mom and Dad are scrubbing in.
What are they doing here? I swear, I didn't call them.
They came by to fix the garden hose so they could wash my car, and then, I don't know, they just, they just heard me sneezing.
This is exactly what I'm talking about.
No, this is different, because I am sick, and they're doctors.
And plus, I don't like you seeing me when I'm all gross.
Claire-bear, two months into dating, you got so wasted at a frat party, you threw up a whole hot dog.
Sure, I had questions, but I still thought you were the hottest girl in the world.
Man, if I had kept it down, I would've won that contest.
My point is, eventually, we're gonna have kids, right? And when we do, I want to be the one you rely on.
Please let me prove I can take care of you.
Aw.
Well, that's really sweet.
(CHUCKLES) Okay.
Uh, hey, uh, Mom, Dad? You guys can go.
Uh, Jake's gonna take care of me.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Oh, my gosh.
She's serious.
Jake, I-I don't want to question your manhood - in front of your wife, so - Thank you.
Can we do this in the kitchen instead? (SIGHS) All right, look, I know you guys are nervous, but I've taken care of Claire when she's sick.
All right? Okay.
Just so you know, when Claire is sick, she needs a ton of blankets - Blankets.
Yeah, yeah.
- On okay.
Oh.
I got her covered.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.
Well, she also needs a steady rotation of her - favorite movies.
Mm-hmm.
- Favorite movies.
Yes, I got it.
Now, do you guys have any actual medical advice? Hold it.
What about my famous Kung Pao lettuce wraps? You don't know about those, do you? Yeah.
Little Eastern medicine secret I picked up while I was living in Beijing.
Yeah, as a wise village elder once said to me (CLEARS THROAT) Ni hao.
Well, as a wise village elder once said to me (CLEARS THROAT) get the hell out of my house.
All right, my little petri dish.
I got a hot towel to help open up your sinuses.
Here you go, my little baby boo ew! Oh, man.
Ugh.
Why are you just staring at the ceiling? 'Cause you look like E.
T.
when he started getting ashy.
But I love you, and I'm gonna help you get through this.
So here's a towel for your face.
Wear it as long as you'd like.
Ooh.
Thanks, baby.
You're welcome.
- (SNEEZES) - Aw That was kind of cute.
A little dab for you.
(CHUCKLES) - (SNEEZES) - (SHOUTS) Come on! Ugh.
Oh, my God, Jake.
These lettuce wraps are incredible.
- I might write a song about them.
- Really? Nah.
I mostly write songs about butts.
Claire, can I make you a plate? Oh, not right now.
This cough medicine's giving me a nice buzz, and I don't want to mess that up.
Well, how about another movie? Hey, uh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you guys doing here? I said I have everything under control.
You have snot in your eyebrow.
We respected your wishes as long as we could, but now we are here to relieve you of your duties.
That's right.
We appreciate all your efforts and so on and so forth, - blah, blah, blah.
- Okay.
Dad, stop.
No, Jake is doing a great job.
I see all the blankets and the movies.
What about the lettuce wraps? They're amazing.
Try them.
JAKE: Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
- Mmm.
Wow.
Kid's got moves.
- These are actually good.
- Mm-hmm.
As a wise Jake once said, you're damn right they're good.
Honey, I-I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think Jake has everything under control.
I know.
Gerald, I don't, I don't think they need us anymore.
JAKE: Eh, well, guys, I know it's hard to let go of your baby, but - We're free! - (BOTH LAUGH) Wait, what? Ugh, we have been living our lives at half buzz just in case, but Gerald now that we're off the hook, we can finally go crazy, like, North Florida crazy.
(LAUGHS) Come on, baby, let's go.
Hey, dude.
Take this.
Now that we've got them out of our hair, it's just me and my beautiful Why do you look like that? Goodness.
Hey, guys.
Man, I don't feel good.
Oh, no, I hope you didn't catch what I have.
No.
I think it's food poisoning.
Oh.
That's what those noises were? I thought you were slowly deflating a balloon.
Man, I'm sorry, Cooper.
Wait, aren't you performing at the VMAs tonight? Yeah.
Yeah, I'll just, uh, I'll just have to power through.
Uh, are you sure that's a good idea? Ah, it's just, it's just an upset stomach.
I'll be fine.
I mean, all I'm doing is flying over the audience in a white angel costume, while performing a cover of "Drop It Like It's Hot.
" Okay, uh I think, uh, you got to stay home, buddy.
Is that even an option? I don't think I've ever taken a day off work.
Oh, yeah, I guess for rock stars, a sick day usually just means rehab.
Ugh, so what did you eat today, anyway? The only thing I've had are Jake's lettuce wraps.
JAKE: Okay.
Before we start throwing accusations around that we can't take back, let me just say, it wasn't the wraps and you're a filthy liar.
Yeah Jake.
(HIGH-PITCHED): It wasn't my wraps.
It's not my wraps.
Your parents had them, and they're fine.
You You did this to us with your lettuce wraps.
They poisoned us in the middle of our tennis match while (MOANS) Oh, I'm so sorry, Gerald.
No.
- No.
No.
- No.
I'm sorry, it's happening.
(SNIFFLING, PANTING) We tried to make it back to our house, but we couldn't.
Jake, I need you to move my car.
It's the one with the doors open, still running, parked in your bushes.
That one's out of order.
(MOANS) So, we were just about to beat our old tennis rivals, The Richardsons Oh, we had those cocky S.
O.
B.
s right where we wanted them.
Set point.
Okay, Mom, you're not on the court anymore.
- Come sit down.
- Oh, no.
I am in a match with my stomach right now.
Oh, backhand down the line.
No, it hit the net.
Your mom went to serve, then we got hit by the same wave of food poisoning, all because we let this guy take care of you.
Okay, hold on, Dad.
We can't blame all this on Jake.
Oh, it had to be those damn wraps.
The only other food we had today were olives, two celery sticks and an orange peel.
So just cocktail garnishes.
You guys probably have alcohol poisoning.
I mean, how can germs even survive in that duty-free store you call a stomach? Then why is Cooper also sick? Sorry to miss the VMAs, guys, but, uh, I promise I'll make it up to you all when I'm feeling better.
Especially you, Lauren.
Oh, who's Lauren? Don't know, but, uh, 12,000 girls named Lauren just swallowed their retainers.
Great job, Jake.
We leave you in charge for one day and you poison the whole family.
You You're like a villain from Game of Thrones.
Look, I am telling you, this is all one big coincidence.
Okay, so, you're telling me you washed your hands before you started cooking? Yes, Gerald.
And you cooked the chicken all the way? Yes, Bonnie.
And did you wash the lettuce? Y Did I wash the lettuce? Did I wash the lettuce? Did I wash the lettuce? Of course, Gerald.
Of course.
What, do you think I thought the grocery store washed it already with the little mist thing? Is that what you think I thought? Is that what you thought? No, that is not what I thought.
Only an idiot would think misting is washing.
Misting is not washing, which I know because I am not an idiot.
Okay, fine.
Eat one.
A good chef never eats his own food.
Eat the wrap, Jake.
If you washed the lettuce, you have nothing to be afraid of.
Do I look afraid, Uncle Phil? I'm not.
Watch.
Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.
Do you not think we know how eating works? Gerald, I guess we might as well move our burial plots to the backyard because we are gonna be taking care of these dummies for eternity.
(SIGHS) You know what? Fine, fine.
Here, look.
I'll eat one.
All right? You want me to eat one, I'll eat one.
No, Jake, you don't have to do this.
It's okay if you messed up.
(LAUGHING): Claire, I didn't mess up.
(HIGH-PITCHED): It's not, it's not the wraps.
It's not.
It's not the wraps, okay? I can take care of our family by myself and I'll prove it.
Mmm.
You got about 20 minutes to get your affairs in order.
Hey.
How's my little Febreze commercial? (GROANING) So, my lettuce wraps have had three hours of tummy time, and guess what? (SINGSONGY): I feel incredible.
- (ALL GROANING) - I'm sorry, I, uh, don't speak groan, but what I assume you said was, "Thank you so much for taking good care of our daughter.
" "Sorry we ever doubted you.
" "P.
S.
That's a great haircut.
" Thank you, Gerald.
Yours, too.
We are sorry, Jake.
You didn't poison us and you're doing an amazing job.
And? It is a nice haircut.
All right.
Well, thank you two.
Who wants OJ? There you go.
(AFFECTED): We've got some water for Cooper.
- (GROANS) - Bonnie, would you? Oh, no, no, no.
I-I made my own.
It's a special elixir from Dr.
Smirnoff.
Well, I'm gonna go to the kitchen where I will continue to be the most badass caretaker on the planet.
I love you, babe.
I love you, too, boo.
(PANTING): I'm gonna d I'm gonna die.
I'm gonna die.
I'm g I'm gonna die.
(LAUGHS, COUGHS) - GERALD: Jake? - CLAIRE: Jake? - Jake - Jake, we're really cold in here.
- Come back, Jake.
- JAKE: Coming! You can do this, Jake.
Jake, you can do th (GAGS, COUGHS) Jake, you can do (GAGS) You can do this, man.
Okay.
Dug up a space heater from the garage.
And since Claire's using all the blankets, I brought in floor mats from the car to keep you warm.
I'll take the passenger side.
Thanks for everything, Jake.
And remember, I will be your rock until you all feel as good as I do.
(GROANS) (DOORBELL RINGS) Plugged in the space heater.
(SIGHS) - Wayne, hey.
- Hello, hi.
- Cooper, your manager's here.
- WAYNE: I came to see how you all are feeling, and by "you all," I mean Cooper.
What are all those things, Wayne? Well, ever since you posted that video, our office has been overrun with "get well" presents from your fans.
They even sent a cantaloupe Cooper.
There was a torso, too, but I got a little hungry on the way over.
Wayne, could you close the door? We're all really cold.
Yeah.
Turn up the ole space heater for you guys.
There.
Hey, uh, Wayne, can I talk to you in the kitchen? Oh, sure.
Nothing more fun than a little bro time, or so I've heard.
Oh.
Wayne, can I ask you something? If this is about us having a boys' night, I am in.
No, I'm the one who gave everyone food poisoning, including myself.
I need you to help me make sure that no one finds out that I am sick because I am killing it.
Congratulations.
Your couch is on fire.
Hell yeah, it is.
I know I use a lot of slang, but your couch is literally on fire.
Oh, my God! I put the space heater too close.
You accidentally put the space heater too close, Jake.
- That's what the juryneeds to hear.
- (COUGHS) - (COUGHS) - Ooh, this'll put it out.
No, that's not water.
(SCREAMING) Look at that coward running away.
Aah! COOPER: Nice one, Jake.
Good thing I fixed that hose earlier.
Has anybody tried these lettuce wraps? They're amazing.
Well, better go.
Got my first date since the big divorce.
Real special lady, too.
I'm taking her up in a hot air balloon.
Yeah, for the next four hours, it'll just be me, her and the sweet silence of life in the clouds.
Mmm.
Oh, God.
Oh, babe, you are sick.
Why don't you come lay down on the couch? All the embers are out.
No, no, no, I-I-I said I was gonna take care of you and that is exactly what I'm gonna d (GAGS) Claire, hold my hair back.
Claire.
(GAGS) Babe, come on.
So you made one little mistake.
It's okay to admit it.
No, it isn't.
If I can't even take care of my wife when she's sick, how am I ever gonna be able to take care of a kid? (LAUGHING): Don't worry.
After what you did today, no one's gonna trust you with their kid.
(LAUGHS) No, seriously.
Honey, you put your own needs aside to take care of everyone else.
And if that's not proof you're gonna be a great parent, I don't know what is.
- I guess that's true.
- It is.
And even if you did poison everyone else, I'm actually starting to feel better, so technically, you did take care of me.
- Yeah, you're right.
- (CHUCKLES) I'm the best husband ever.
All right, so now that you've proven that, can we still rely on my parents to do some stuff? Oh, it'll probably be kind of helpful when we have kids, huh? Yeah, yeah.
We can get them to do all the stuff that we don't want to do.
You know, like-like assembling strollers and changing diapers.
Paying for college.
They would be so good at that.
- So good.
- (LAUGHS) Okay.
Thank you again for taking care of me.
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
- Oh.
- Mmm.