Harley Quinn (2019) s01e04 Episode Script

[POISON IVY WHISTLES.]
[VACUUM CLEANING HUMMING.]
- [DR.
PSYCHO.]
Damn, that was good! - [CLAYFACE LAUGHING.]
Who has two hands covered in unwashable ink? Uh, this girl! We just made that bank our bitch! Dude! That was a Noguchi coffee table.
Uh, sorry.
But hey! Now you can buy a bunch of 'em! - Guch! Guch! Guch! - You know you can just hand me some money.
You don't have to make it rain.
[SQUEALS.]
It's Noguchi! [ANNOYED SIGH.]
I'm gonna go make some nettles tea.
Oh, man.
This was our best heist yet.
And we hit the perfect tone! Like, okay, everyone in the bank was super scared of us, but like not so much that they weren't also delighted when I just cartwheeled out.
I'm sure everybody on the news is talkin' about it.
I hope we didn't miss too much of the coverage.
Batman stops Joker from robbing the credit union.
Credit union? That's just a poor person bank.
We robbed a real one with a vault, and money, and predatory lending practices! No, the news probably did us first.
Here, try Channel 7.
- [REPORTER.]
And Batman foils - [ANNOYED GRUNT.]
Just let me look.
We're the most compelling story, so they're probably saving us for last.
And now our last and most compelling story.
Enter, us! - Turn up the volume! - It's about damn time.
[REPORTER.]
A cardboard box of baby ferrets has finally been returned to their rightful owners.
- [POISON IVY SIGHS.]
Oh, boy.
- [HARLEY SHRIEKS.]
You have been here two weeks and you have destroyed nine TVs.
Sorry.
[SIGH.]
I'm just pissed.
Why aren't they talkin' about us? It should be our faces on that screen! We should be those ferrets! You guys, like, realize you're committing serious felonies, right? Like, you actually don't want people to know who you are.
- Or - [POISON IVY.]
No.
No "or".
I just gave you great advice.
But, there's only one thing stopping us from being front page news.
No one's trying to stop us.
Of course! Joker has Batman and suddenly a simple crime becomes a thrilling narrative between two titans.
Exactly.
We need a nemesis! Lex Luthor has Superman.
Sinestro has Green Lantern.
Psycho has his own inability to refrain from using the c-word.
My nemesis is Wonder Woman, that cu - Okay, I see what you're saying.
- That's it then! I need a nemesis.
- Great advice, Ive.
- No.
That's 100% not [THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
[HARLEY.]
Alrighty.
So our profile page on Find-a-Nemesis dot com - has been up for a day and we have - [BEEPS.]
Zero messages? [SIGHS.]
Clayface, did you use my hairbrush? - No.
- [ANGRILY.]
What the hell? You're messing up my apartment! Your apartment? It's my apartment! And if your dirty circus freak friends keep messin' it up, I'm kickin' ya out.
You know the rules: no pets, no noise, no commies, no d [SHOUTS.]
I don't know if he was gonna get racist there, but it felt like that's where it was headed.
I thought robots were supposed to be helpful.
- Right? - [SIGHS.]
He's not a robot, he's a disabled person.
Anyway.
You stained all my carpeting.
And you came home drunk and tried to mind-control the microwave, and burnt a hole through the countertop.
That microwave knows what it said.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
Dammit, Sy! I will move the trash bins - Oh my God! - [DR.
PSYCHO AND HARLEY SCREAM.]
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING.]
- [GRUNTS.]
- Ow? Harley! Oh, oh, oh.
This is a classic misunderstanding.
Bat down.
Bat down.
[CHUCKLES.]
- This is King Shark.
- Howdy.
Hacker extraordinaire and, perhaps more pertinent, social media maven.
Uh, this giant, terrifying, half man, half-shark is a computer whiz? I don't like to brag, but he took me from eight social media followers to eight teen.
Bravo! I called him to solve our nemesis problem.
Mmm I'm guessing you're the one having trouble finding a nemesis.
Well, we put the profile up and we're not gettin' any bites.
- [SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING.]
- Is that a shark joke? If so, it's very funny.
[LAUGH.]
Now scooch.
Let me take a look at that profile.
Hmm.
Okay, now here's your first problem.
You're not using any of the right keywords.
I'll hack into the mainframe and get you featured.
How long's this going to take? - [COMPUTER DINGS.]
- There you go.
Got your first match.
[DR.
PSYCHO.]
Who the hell is Tommy Tomorrow? He's got a personalized ray gun.
He says he's looking for something casual.
Someone to fight on the weekends.
I am not settling for Tommy Tomorrow.
[SHOUTING.]
I wanna nemesis-up! You're not gonna find any A-listers on here.
There's no Batmen.
Or we get Batman! Batman? You have fought him countless times and every time ya end up at Arkham.
I know another way and by the end of it, Bats will be our nemesis.
- I don't know.
- Unlikely.
Yes, yes, yes.
[TIRES SCREECH.]
[LAUGHING MANICALLY.]
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING.]
[HARLEY SQUEALS.]
Woo-hoo! [SIREN WAILING.]
[METAL JINGLING.]
[TIRES BURSTING.]
Ha! [GLASS SHATTERING.]
You've crossed the line, Quinn.
- You're going to Arkham for goo - Buh-bye! [SIREN WAILING.]
[LAUGHING MANICALLY.]
Yeah! [BOTH SCREAM.]
[TIRES SCREECH.]
Ta-da! How the hell did you pull this off? The car's voice activated, so I took some recordings of Bats' voice and spliced 'em together.
[BATMAN ON RECORDING.]
Open Batmobile allow Harley to drive.
He also said [BATMAN ON RECORDING.]
I definitely make love to bats.
- Ha! - Heavens to Murgatroyd.
He admits it! [LAUGHS.]
The signature grappler! The bat-eth hath arrived-eth.
[CLAYFACE.]
Success! [LAUGHS.]
Stop talking, I gotta make an evil first impression.
Shit, I shoulda thought of an opening line.
Uh.
Good after-doom? Pleasure to beat ya? - What the - Not so fast, losers! - Oh, come on.
- Robin? What are ya doing here? Where's Batman? You think Batman has time to deal with you guttersnipes? You're lucky I even showed up.
Oh, was Batman too busy doin' this? [BATMAN ON RECORDING.]
I definitely make love to bats.
Shut up and battle me, nards.
Oh god, last week I was in the fucking Legion of Doom and now this is my life.
We're not battlin' a 12 year-old from the fuckin' Ren Faire.
I was raised by an elite group of assassins from birth.
You're a clown.
And an old one at that.
What are you, 30? [SCREAMS.]
Ow! You little shit! [SCREAMS.]
Hey! What are you doing? Put me down! Tell Batman we're coming for him.
[DISCO MUSIC PLAYING.]
well, Tawny, then Harley said, [IMITATING HARLEY.]
"I'm coming for you".
'Course then we had a huge battle.
- Mm-hmm! - Tons of punching.
- Mmm! - Some lasers.
Lotta lasers.
Boy, stop it! When I beat her butt, that's when she asked me to be her nemesis.
- [AUDIENCE CHEERING.]
- Your first nemesis at just 12-years old.
Now, are you a little sweet potato pie? 'Cause I could just eat you up! Yeah.
I'm a little sweet potato pie.
- [SQUEALS.]
Oh! - [AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING.]
[ON TV.]
He's just so cute! Ah, I gotta tell ya.
I think he's adorable.
- [SHRIEKS.]
- You know what, this one's on me.
I shoulda known that this was gonna put you in a smashy mood.
Robin's lying.
Why would I fight a kid? [SHOUTS.]
I want a nemesis with some hair on their chest! [CLEARS THROAT.]
Well, that rules out Batman.
[CHUCKLES.]
Catwoman says he waxes everything.
You know what? It's gonna be fine.
Maybe this story will run one news cycle and be gone.
I don't think so.
You just got a Google alert for an article from the Lois Lane.
And the headline is Never mind.
[HARLEY.]
Let me see that! "Harley Quinn Fights Child, Sets Evil Women's Movement Back Decades".
[GASPS.]
Well, the headline is clickbait, but I bet the article itself is more positive.
[SARCASTICALLY.]
Really? You think that? No, shit! It's behind a paywall.
Does anyone have a login for the Daily Planet? Nope.
I already burned through my five free articles.
I can't subscribe to another thing.
My inbox is already swollen with Well, I'm not payin' 7.
99 a month to see shit like this! Let's just kill her.
- Or - No.
No more "or".
Or we kidnap her and make her retract the article.
You can't fuck with Lois Lane, people.
What if Superman comes? Great.
Then I'll have the most powerful nemesis in the world.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, brother.
[LOIS.]
I don't retract articles, and I'm definitely not writing a puff piece about What was your headline? It's Harley Quinn, number one supervillain in the many multiverses, still hasn't committed to a nemesis, much less Robin the Boy Wonder, or any nemesis that's boy or bird based.
Ya can punch it up if ya want.
You're the writer.
[LAUGH.]
Thanks.
No.
Okay, then I'm gonna have to kill ya.
Okay, go ahead.
[SPITS AND COUGHS.]
I need to remember to keep my mouth closed when I bust through walls.
- I've been tellin' ya that.
- Holy shit! It's Supes! King Shark, get the camera.
Livestream me fightin' Superman.
My new nemesis.
Okay, you're live.
[HARLEY.]
Hey, Superman! Come get Lois Lame before I make her a deadline! [STAMMERS.]
That made sense, right? Is she mad about the paywall too? Seven nintey-nine is an ambitious price point.
And it doesn't include the crossword, which is ridic.
Ya gonna fight me or what? [CHUCKLES.]
Everybody duck.
You were ill-advised to think you could get away from me, Harley Quinn.
- [LOIS.]
Aww! - [GROANS.]
Oh god! Again? [CHUCKLES.]
Hey, sport.
I fail to find the humor in this.
No need to be nervous, kiddo.
Just step into the box.
You got this! You're embarrassing me in front of my nemesis.
Actually I'm not currently committed to anyone, but y'know, Supes, if you're avail, I'm Flattered, but I have a pretty full dance card.
Leave us be, boy scout.
I'm sure there's a cat up a tree somewhere.
A cat up a tree.
Isn't this just the cutest thing ever? Lois, you okay if the little guy takes it from here? Yeah, whatever.
We still doing sushi tonight? You know how I roll.
[BOTH GROAN.]
Do me a favor.
Can you untag me from this whole thing? You ready to do battle, Quinn? [SIGH.]
Let's go.
[ROBIN.]
That's right.
Run away! Fear me! [GROANS.]
That was the most humiliatin' t [GASPS.]
Oh my god, Ivy! You're pregnant? Oh! This is gonna be so bad for your career, but so good for your Instagram.
No.
All this shit is for you.
- Aww.
No baby? - Nope.
No baby.
But there is a card.
And it was addressed to you, so I didn't open it because I'm not a rude person.
[JOKER FROM CARD.]
Congrats on Robin the cradle.
[LAUGHS.]
From all your never-gonna-be-your-friends at the Legion of Doom.
[CACKLE.]
[COUGHS.]
[SARCASTICALLY.]
Well, this room was missing a dusting of ash everywhere.
All right, that's it.
Enough of this shit.
We're killin' Robin.
Harley, you can't kill him.
You don't think I can kill a 12-year-old? Oh, okay.
Well, I will smash in his face [SHOUTS.]
with a bat like a watermelon! Oh, no, no.
I believe you have the ability to kill him.
What I'm saying is, if you do it, you validate what everyone's saying.
That Robin's your nemesis.
Also, you'd be a child killer, which some may argue is worse.
Unless Ah, you've got that "or" face.
Just Can you make your eyebrows normal? - I've - Yes? No no, I wasn't sayin' your name.
I was sayin' "I've" as in I've got a plan.
[DR.
PSYCHO.]
Listen shark-man, get in the tank.
All you gotta do is swim around and scare the kid so bad he admits he's lying.
Oh, I-I'm not that kind of shark.
I'm more of the tech savvy kind.
It's fine.
I can play the role of shark if he won't.
[SHOUTS.]
Roar! 'Tis I, the violent type of shark! Straight from the beaches of Amity! Fear my rows of teeth, my unpredictable nature.
Yeah, that's offensive in a number of ways.
I-I'll just be the shark.
But, just to double check here.
I-I'm not gonna do any biting, right? 'Cause I do not do well around blood.
No blood.
You're just supposed to scare him.
- I got him! - [ROBIN GRUNTS.]
[STRUGGLING GRUNTS.]
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING.]
[STRUGGLING GRUNTS.]
- You're gonna die, Robin! - [ROBIN GRUNTS.]
Admit it! Admit we never battled.
I never asked you to be my nemesis.
Unhand me, you freak.
Not until you tell the truth about us.
Why would I ever tell the truth? I'm Gotham's little sweet potato pie, remember? Those rubes will believe anything I say.
- [AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING.]
- [MR.
PSYCHO LAUGHS.]
Busted! [HARLEY.]
Ya hear that, Tawny? He admitted he lied.
Tawny? You set me up, Quinn.
[TAWNY.]
Mm-mm-mm! My, oh my, how the sweet potato pie has crumbled.
[AUDIENCE BOOING.]
So, as everyone can see, I could'a killed him any time I wanted, but I didn't 'cause he's a kid and kids are gross.
Also, he is not my nemesis.
[COMICAL SOUNDS PLAYING.]
[AUDIENCE BOOING.]
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING.]
[KING SHARK SNIFFS.]
Blood! [GROWLS.]
Ooh! Blood! [ROBIN SCREAMS.]
[SHOUTING FRANTICALLY.]
Help me! [KING SHARK GROWLING.]
[GROANS.]
Aw, shit.
Woo! He gonna get eaten! Please! I'll bring you on stage at the VMAs next week! [FRANTICALLY.]
Abort! Abort! King Shark, heel! - [ROBIN.]
Let me down! Help! - Oh, you know what? This must be that "not being good with blood" thing.
- I thought it just meant he got a little fainty.
- [ROBIN SCREAMING.]
I did too.
It was misleading.
[LAUGHS.]
How funny.
[GROWLS.]
- Hey! Stop that! Help! - [HARLEY GRUNTS.]
[ROARS.]
[AUDIENCE.]
Aww! - [KING SHARK GROWLS.]
- [AUDIENCE SCREAMS.]
[GROWLS.]
I'll kill you all! [TAWNY SCREAMS.]
Everybody run! [ROBIN SCREAMING.]
Help! Help! Batman! Batman! - [GROWLS.]
- [SCREAMS.]
Father! Help! - No! Dad! Help! - [GROWLS.]
- [SCREAMING.]
- [GROWLING.]
[TAWNY.]
Ladies and gentleman, Batman! [AUDIENCE CHEERING.]
What is this? Tawny? Are we live on Tawny? What the hell are you doing, Quinn? Changin' the optics? You almost killed my ward.
You're going to Arkham for good, Quinn.
[COMICAL SOUNDS PLAYING.]
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
[ALARM BELLS RINGING.]
Bring it on, Bats! [LAUGHS.]
Bats? [RINGING CONTINUES.]
- [CAR HONKS.]
- Batman? - [CAR HONKS.]
- Is he [GROANS.]
This is no fun.
Uh Uh boss? Uh, uh, uh, what, Steve? Spit it the fuck out.
Oh, what the hell? - [HARLEY GRUNTS ON TV.]
- [DISCO MUSIC PLAYING.]
Oh, what the hell? Okay.
So, Batman blames Harley for endangering his ward, but Harley says she's just a supervillain looking for an adult-size nemesis.
Y'all know what I'm talking about, right? [HARLEY GRUNTING.]
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING.]
[GROANS.]
Use your fisticuffs, Harley! Game over, Quinn.
[LOUD THUDDING.]
Let her go! Ivy! Always a delight.
[AUDIENCE SCREAMING.]
[BATMAN GRUNTS.]
- [TAWNY SQUEALS.]
- [AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING.]
This is getting too good, y'all.
Ive! You came to save me.
Look, I always do.
My entire existence seems to be spent cleaning up your fuckin' messes.
[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING.]
Is that gonna be bleeped? Please welcome another surprise guest, - supervillain Poison Ivy.
- Nope.
[DISCO MUSIC PLAYING.]
Not a guest.
- Also, I actually identify as an eco-terrorist, so - [AUDIENCE CHEERING.]
Seems like you're having some animosity towards Harley for not respecting your boundaries.
Am I right audience? [AUDIENCE BOOING.]
Tell us how you feel.
- No, no, no.
Not gonna do that.
- Okay.
But, since I'm here.
If I could just You don't have to rinse out your cans and bottles before putting them in the recycling bin, okay? That's just a myth and it wastes water.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING.]
[AUDIENCE CHEERING.]
- [BOY.]
Go, Batman! - N-n-no, no.
Sit.
[KING SHARK.]
Aww.
[HARLEY GRUNTS.]
[ALL CHEERING.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING.]
[ALL GRUNTING.]
[BOTH GRUNT.]
- [AUDIENCE.]
Ooh! - [GASPS.]
[HARLEY CHUCKLES.]
[GRUNTING CONTINUES.]
[IVY AND HARLEY LAUGH.]
Kill him, Ivy! Harley! What the fuck do you think you're doing? [SQUEALS.]
Ooh-hoo-hoo! It's getting heated! Are you trying to steal my Batman? - Joker! - Uh, Batman.
[CHUCKLES.]
Joker seems to claim you as his nemesis.
But you came here to fight, Harley.
And now [LAUGHS.]
you're fighting Ivy.
Which one is it? Me! I'm his, he's mine.
I mean, we're together.
Ha! [SHOUTS.]
Oh! [AUDIENCE.]
Tawny! Tawny! Tawny! [CHANTING CONTINUES ON SCREEN.]
[MAN CHEERING.]
I love you, Tawny! [ALL GRUNTING.]
[BEEPING.]
[ALL GASP.]
[HARLEY GROWLS ANGRILY.]
[JOKER LAUGHS.]
Dad! [AUDIENCE SCREAMING.]
[JOKER LAUGHS.]
[DISCO MUSIC PLAYING.]
[SCREAMING CONTINUES.]
[BEEPING.]
Robin! If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive again, you better start showing up to my cool crimes.
[AUDIENCE SCREAMING.]
Oh! What a show, folks! [LAUGHS.]
- Well, I am spent.
- [AUDIENCE CHEERING AND CLAPPING.]
Well stay tuned 'cause up next, we're bringing out those rescued ferrets.
[SQUEALS.]
Ooh! I wanna squeeze one! Nope.
Come on.
We're leaving.
[POISON IVY SIGHS.]
Well, that was a shit show.
Yeah! But, it was a fun show.
- Except for Batman kickin' my ass on live TV.
- [HARLEY GRUNTS ON TV.]
At least you got a swag bag, right? Ooh! Look at this.
Organic shampoo.
Ugh! It says for fine to normal hair.
Damn it.
I can't believe after all this, I still don't have a nemesis.
You know what? You can't force it.
- I mean, there's someone out there just for you.
- [SIGHS.]
Do the crimes that make you happy and the rest will come.
JKH, right? Just keep heisting.
JK's already a thing.
You add an 'H' to it, and I don't know what that is.
It's muddled.
Yeah, I'm not here to workshop this.
Thanks for always givin' me great advice, Ive.
Even if I don't always use it.
You actually never use it.
But I love never usin' your advice more than anyone else's advice I never use.
Also, listen, I am very sorry for the way me and my crew have been treating' your place.
That changes today.
Yes.
We promise to keep your apartment much cleaner.
Wait, why is he cleaning? Did you add that giant shark to your crew? Actually, I'm a normal-sized shark, but I suppose I am large for a man.
And yes, I'm in the crew.
It's just nice to be on a schedule.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah, you saw what he can do when he flips out.
I mean, how am I gonna say no to that? Plus, he does computer good.
That's it, you're outta here! This is a formal eviction notice! You're evicting me? On what grounds? Your lease says no pets! - Him! - Well, that's racist! O-or at the very least xenophobic.
Xena who? The bikini broad with a sword as big as she is? I love her! But that shark's been coming in here all week.
Please, Sy.
I love this apartment more than anything.
I-I'll kick them out.
I'll kick all of them out.
Too late! You're evicted, honey.
Hey! At least you don't have to keep cleaning up after us any more, right? [STAMMERS.]
'Cause you know, let's be honest.
- It was really only gonna get worse.
- [IVY GROWLS.]
- [LOUD THUD.]
- [GLASS CRACKING.]
[SIGHS.]
We can split that one.
Sounds fair.
[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING.]
Damian, I made your favorite.
You didn't make that.
Alfred made that.
I made him make it.
Are you mad because I had to save you from Joker? No.
I'm livid because everyone in Teen Titans is getting a nemesis, except me.
[SIGH.]
I'm gonna say something embarrassing here.
I didn't have a nemesis until my late 20s.
Don't patronize me, Father.
It's unbecoming.
It's true.
I wasn't ready for one.
You want your first nemesis to be special.
Someone who you could see being your nemesis for the rest of your life.
I suppose you're right, Father.
When can I start having sex? I think I hear the Bat Signal.
[END THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]