HarmonQuest (2016) s01e04 Episode Script
Across the Dernum Sea
1 Spencer: Last time on "HarmonQuest" Welcome to Freshport! My name is Tech Powers! We seek Dunnin.
He runs the docks.
Where is your runestone? To save my family, I had to give away the runestone to the cult.
- She's had the third - runestone the whole time? Oh, yeah, well, I want him to take the third one from you, and then I want you all to die.
You chop him with your sword.
Tell you what, why don't you guys book it, and I'll distract these guys.
It's the least I could do.
You jump onto - a pile of hay.
Fondue, it's the softest boat ever.
[dramatic music.]
- Spencer: Since the dawn - of the 1970s, Fantasy role-playing games have provided men and women with an escape from their awkward lives.
Today the most awkward of them all, Dan Harmon, - is summoning - celebrity friends To play these games of old in front of a live studio audience in Hollywood.
I am Spencer, the Game Master, and this is "HarmonQuest.
" [cheers and applause.]
You're applauding yourselves.
- You're applauding - yourselves.
Welcome back "HarmonQuest.
" My name is Dan Harmon.
Then you applaud again.
[cheers and applause.]
The real star of the show, our Game Master, Spencer Crittenden.
[cheers and applause.]
With me as always, the elegant Erin McGathy.
[cheers and applause.]
The dignified Jeff B.
Davis.
[cheers and applause.]
And our guest fantasy role-player tonight, Mr.
Ron Funches.
Yeah.
[cheers and applause.]
You've got a nerdy edge to you.
- Yes.
- Do you have a history - Of role-playing games - in your past? No, I always tried to not dig too deep.
[laughter.]
- It's collective - storytelling.
It's a game without a board or a computer or anything.
Our god is the guy who decides what is and what isn't, but we get to tell him - This is what I thought - God looked like.
Yeah.
[laughter.]
But basically, yeah, we take turns telling him what we want to do - based on what he tells us - is happening, And he tells us whether it happened or not.
Without further ado, let's get to it.
Spencer, take it over.
Let's quest! [cheers and applause.]
You're carefully hidden in the cargo hold as stowaways on a trading vessel.
You don't want to make your presence known.
But after the past few days at sea, - you become hungry - and thirsty, And you feel the need to seek out food and/or water.
You won't find it in the cargo hold for some reason.
It would appear the only wares being cargo held are massive airbags and uncontained piles of hay and feathers.
- A large double door - in the cargo hold Seems to be the only exit, but crates surround you.
- You know, goblins, we have - quite an appetite, guys, And it's time that you fed this little goblin.
I'm curious, like, you know how they say if you die in your house, the cat will eat your face before the dog, like, I was just wondering when goblins would eat you.
- It doesn't matter.
- Oh, I mean, like I mean, as a goblin, I like rotting flesh.
Like, you can't give me too rotten flesh.
I mean, I'll eat anything.
So if I died, you'd eat me? I would gobble you right up.
- But I wouldn't I wouldn't - We're friends.
- I wouldn't do that - while you're alive.
I don't look at you and see a gigantic hot dog.
Let's try to find some food on the ship.
Okay.
I peer is there a crack that I can peer through? Yeah, sure.
Okay, I peer through the crack.
You see wooden planks.
[laughter.]
Um, I open the door.
You see wooden planks.
Look at these planks.
They really planked it up in here.
It's nice.
- Too many people - carpet their ships, And then there's, like, all this beautiful wood underneath.
Yeah.
- You're in - a long, wooden hallway.
You see way down the hall to the left is a doorway.
- I go towards - the end of the hall.
- You go towards - the end of the hallway.
There's a door on your left as well as a ladder leading up.
I peer through that door.
- You peer through - a crack in the door, And you see all sorts of barrels and also all sorts of shit.
Just, like, real, literal shit.
Just feces.
Like poop? - Yeah, yeah, no.
- Yeah, poop.
- Hey, guys, - I found the toilet.
I'm going up the ladder.
You go up the ladder.
You see some sailors, - but they haven't - noticed you yet.
They're lounging on tables and chairs.
- They seem to be - playing cards.
[whispered.]
Guys, there's sailors up here.
- What race are they? - What kinda people are they? I don't see through that lens.
I climb up the ladder, and I'm next to Fondue on the ladder.
- I don't think - we should, like - We don't want to get - tough with these guys.
- No, no, no.
- We don't know that they - You know, - they're not bad people.
I'm so hungry.
Can I go up those stairs to go to the top layer? Uh, you'd have to Can I sneak past? - You can try - to sneak past, yeah.
Okay, I'm gonna use my Stealth of two.
All right, two plus two.
Is screaming as I'm going up the ladder.
Look at me! I am invading your space! Your screaming stealth attempt seems to have failed.
They look over.
What? What's going on? Uh, hi.
Do you have anything to eat? They jump to their feet in response to your talking.
I make my presence known with my hand on the hilt of my bastard sword, and in my most baritone voice I say Hold it.
We don't want any trouble now.
[laughter.]
The sailors react to your noise.
- They call out - for their captain Oh, boy.
Who arrives posthaste.
Standing in the frame of the doorway, you see a large human sea captain.
That's you.
What's going on here? I was taking a good nap, and I don't like this.
[laughter.]
Oh, sorry.
We used your ship as a landing pad, and we hid for a weird amount of time.
Okay.
Do you have any food? In exchange I have a crowbar.
And gold.
We have gold.
And gold.
- We're telling him - about the gold? - They're gonna just - take our gold.
We're honest people.
Why are you trying to hide your gold from me? I appear I have lots of diplomacy, and I go, "Ah, mon capitaine!" And I do the deepest bow that a goblin can do, because I think that will charm a captain.
What's your diplomacy Seven.
All right, 18.
He's pretty charming.
You know it's true.
I like you.
I like you for a goblin.
I I clamor up his leg and up on his shoulder like a little parrot, and I sit there and I kind of, like, nuzzle him like this.
We're like good buddies.
This guy's all right.
He's like He's in your face, but in a good way.
Well, he's our friend, and we do apologize.
We were in the wrong.
As our lady friend said Not that she's defined by her gender We needed your ship to escape dire circumstances, and we're terribly sorry, and we hope that we have no quarrel.
We're on a mission.
- Okay, I like hearing - about missions.
- Yeah.
- What's your mission about? - Are you guys with the crown? - Are you against the crown? 'Cause I got strong feelings, but I'm not gonna let you know until you tell me what yours are.
What's your name, Captain? - I'm sorry, we never - got your name.
Again, I like this guy.
- Well, I am - a famous sea captain.
I've been smuggling for as long as I've been living.
My name's Rib Sanchez.
Rib Sanchez! You know the famous Rib Sanchez.
Yeah, yeah.
- We hate the crown, - we hate the crown.
Okay.
[cheering.]
[cheers and applause.]
Zoobag and Boneweevil, we all have been singing a song about you since we were kids.
Oh, man, I like that.
Should we do it? Yeah.
The R is for All: The rigor With which he does his deeds The I is for the tiger Survivor of the Weeds - Sea Seaweeds - Seaweeds.
All: And the B is for beginning Of friendship fast and true All: For Captain Rib Sanchez We owe our oath to you [cheers and applause.]
While I was It's a regional thing.
- They are different - I like it.
Now do the verse with my last name.
[laughter.]
I mean, it is such an honor to meet you.
I, uh, I never thought I would.
I didn't think you were real.
- Oh, I'm all too real.
- Yeah.
I've just been smuggling things, mostly soft things as you guys have noticed.
Right.
You know, like pillows and feathers and also easy listening CDs.
[laughter.]
Captain, do you have any food? We're really hungry.
Okay, uh, yeah, I do, because I like you.
Again, you're great.
What do I got? Oh, I got some powdered fruits.
Powdered fruits? - If you into that, - if you into that.
You know, it's just fruits, but, like, they got real old.
That's all the food you have on this boat? What, do your sailors just eat powdered fruit? - I mean, we do a lot - of fishing.
We pick up things as we go.
- I don't really - want to tell you What the poop deck's really about, but But you're cut off by a crewman above you calling out Something's coming! Off the starboard bow! Looks like sharks or something! Is that left or right, starboard? I think it's right.
Uh, my right or your right? Well, face the front of the ship.
Okay.
And then everyone's right.
Okay.
I look over the starboard bow.
You can see shark fins - winding their way - towards the ship, As well as blue and white figures on the side of the ship, scaling the wooden walls with their bare hands.
- Oh, no.
- Uh, guys! We got company! I take a stick, and I'm poking - whatever is trying - to get on board.
You poke whatever is trying to get on board.
Whatever's trying to get on board happens to be Adaro, shark people.
They're climbing up swiftly.
You can poke one of them off, but he just plops back into the water and starts climbing up again.
Shark people.
I hate them more than I hate orcs.
Thinking quickly, as Goblins can in a crisis, I take my soap out of my knapsack, and I start soaping up the side of the boat - with the water - that's coming over the side To make it slippery so the shark people can't gain flipper footing.
You see three or four start to climb up over the railing, but they they slip.
They slip off into the water.
I can't believe that worked.
That's like "Home Alone.
" A further four Four more shark people, however, bypass the soapy residue and make it upon the deck, wielding spears.
They're large, muscular, blue and white humanoids, have red eyes, sharp teeth, and shark fins coming out of their bald heads.
- So there's four of them - on deck now? Four of them on deck.
- And how many sailors - do we have with us? Oh, man, the sailors are all busy.
Busy doing what? They're battening things.
I take out my wife, and, Boneweevil, grab this side of the wire.
- I grab the other side - of the wire.
- Let's clothesline 'em.
- All right.
- All right.
- Go, clothesline! On three.
One, two, three.
Rahhh! - You attempt - to clothesline them.
You run straight past them and tangle them in wire.
They seem to be held firm by the wire, - but they ripple - their bulging muscles And snap the wire as if it were a weaker-gauged wire.
[laughter.]
Perhaps what you need is a bigger wire that's sword-shaped! I'm attacking with my sword.
I thought you might be.
Slashing into the foremost shark man, you deal 11 damage.
Nice.
Mm-hmm.
I climb up the main mast Or the only mast.
- All right.
- Just to kinda position myself On one of the yardarms in case I need to get into the fight - and sneak attack - these people.
- Yeah, I want to do something, - 'cause it's like I'm sick of these motherfucking sharks, for real.
I'm gonna pull out my harpoon gun, and then I also want to use my Divine Bomb to set these harpoons on fire, and then I'm gonna shoot at these sharks, 'cause that seems like a good idea.
You smack one of the sharks, the wounded shark, right in the head with a flaming harpoon, dealing 13 damage.
Yeah! [cheers and applause.]
His burning head, it just burns as he falls to the floor dead.
- Yeah.
- See? - I find a line, - there's a rope, - And I tie off - the line there, And I tie the other end of it to my waist.
And I take out my dagger, and I run to the end of the yardarm and swing around and swipe my dagger at one of the necks of the shark nearest me.
You slash into him, and he didn't see it coming, so it's like sneak attack style.
Hell yeah! You go right into his jugular vein, dealing 14 damage.
Whoo! [cheers and applause.]
All of a sudden, you feel a massive impact rock the hull of your ship, and you hear the cracking of wood and splintering of timbers.
You've failed to notice another vessel in the storm A black metal craft that has smashed into the port side of the ship.
And standing upon the dark vessel is a familiar armored figure, the dark armored figure from episode one.
[gasps.]
It's Shitface.
The shark people are scattered and slide off the deck into the water of the broken-in-half ship.
Oh, nice.
I yell to Buer Hide the amulet.
This guy's coming for the other runestone.
Like, hide it away.
Like, tuck it away somewhere.
Like, keister it.
You'll never get my amulet! - No, no, no, no! - Are you fucking kidding me! Oh, sorry.
Jesus Christ.
You fools! You think you can escape the Heralds of the Manticore? Yes.
You cannot hide! The runestones wish to be united, and with their power you cannot hope to defeat me.
Witness! He holds up the two stones, - and a crackling - bolt of energy Plunges from the night sky into the earth Not the earth, - the sea.
And out of the depths rises a blue monster.
It's the arcane horror from episode one, the blue one.
It ascends skyward into the clouds in the storm.
Oh, that was easy.
It's gone.
Spencer, this is Erin.
- Please, - don't take my necklace.
Uh, you know Okay, okay I grab Buer and I say Put it in your ass.
Put it in your ass for real.
I'm not kidding.
Put it in your ass.
No.
First of all, I would put it in my vagina before I put it in my ass.
That's the first place they look.
[laughter.]
I wish.
Good night, folks.
- Bad pitch, but just - throwing things out there.
- Let's hide it in one - of the poop barrels.
- They're not gonna go - through the poop barrels.
Let's stick it in the poop.
Put it in her ass.
It's full of poop.
- I'm not - Okay, I mean, The poop barrels time is of the essence right now.
Just I'll put it in my butt.
I'll put it in my butt.
It is my family heirloom! All right, I take it off, and I You see me put it under my skirt.
I kinda I tense up my neck and do, like, a weird smile, and then I remove my hand, and I'm no longer holding it, and it is my business Okay, yeah.
Where it is.
Plummeting from the sky like a large, wispy, black bomb, the arcane horror smashes into the ship and roars like a wild beast.
- Shit.
- I just gotta say, I mean, I was just dealing with feathers and pillows and just shit before you guys got here.
All right, like, I go into a Barbarian Rage.
[singing gibberish.]
And I just start punching.
You punch directly into the blue energy of the arcane horror.
It seems to laugh at you as if to say, "Your normal fists do nothing to my arcane hide.
" I have a five in survival.
That seems almost too easy.
I can't just survive? The arcane horror lunges at Fondue Zoobag.
Oh, come on, I'm the Sinking its jaws into his flesh.
I look at the camera and I say It's a living.
Dealing five damage.
I run up behind him sneak attack style while he's busy with Fondue.
And I use my bite attack, and I bite as hard as I can with my goblin mouth.
You bite right into his blue energy legs, but, like the punches, - they just bounce - harmlessly off his hide, As if to say, "You're gonna need" some sort of magical armament.
" God damn it.
Magical armaments.
- Well, like the shit - we got at the Oh, like that shit that worked on the first arcane horror.
Yeah.
Oh, the sprinkles.
The sprinkles.
No, the weapons from the - Oh.
- Oh-oh! I call mine I call mine Sprinkles.
No, you call it New Friend.
New Friend, - I know, I know.
I produce New Friend.
I feel like I haven't gone in a while.
- Yeah, you did just - get bit, so Seems like I should get to do something.
Go ahead, take it.
Yeah, go ahead.
I attack it with my sword.
Which one? The magical one.
Oh, okay, okay.
You plunge your sword into one of its blue energy legs, and it spills white ichor onto the floor that burns the deck as it takes 12 damage.
Not my deck! Looks like you have a new reason to be blue.
[cheers and applause.]
I I take out New Friend, and I jump up as high as I can, and then I go straight down into what I judge is, like, the center of the blue thing.
You slice directly into its back with New Friend, dealing 14 damage.
All right.
Looks like, despite your best efforts, you really you blew it! It lashes around in pain, and it starts spitting water all over the place.
Heavy blasts of brine issue out from it.
I use Uncanny Dodge.
You dodge uncannily.
In fact, the only person who doesn't dodge is the sea captain, taking 13 damage.
Oh, no.
He's a guest star.
You knew it was gonna happen.
Guys, I'm not feeling good.
I want to use my ability to lay on hands on myself to try to heal myself.
You heal for yourself for 12 damage.
Nice.
You're back in the game, Captain.
I run under his legs.
I take out my golden rapier, my magical one, and I just start shanking him.
I'll make you leak.
I'll make you leak, Jack! It's a critical hit.
Oh! [cheers and applause.]
As you make it leak for the 19 damage, you get out of its way - as it collapses - onto the ground, Before erupting into a pile of wispy black smoke that quickly disperses.
Yeah.
[cheers and applause.]
The armored figure is upset.
I bet he is.
He screams.
Enough! He grips the two runestones in either hand that he has, and he claps them together, sending ribbons of energy leaping from the stones that attempt to entangle you.
- Oh, no.
- Guys And they do so.
You're entangled and ensnared, preventing you from moving.
He holds the stones in his hands, and, Buer, you can feel a most uncomfortable feeling.
[laughter.]
Should have hid it in the poop bucket.
As the stone floats out of you and into the waiting clutches of the armored figure.
He leaps onto the deck, and in your paralyzed In your paralyzed form you can't manage to move.
He laughs as kobolds jump onto your ship from his ship and start grabbing you, pulling you.
They chain you up.
What's a kobold? A kobold is like a little scrawny lizard man.
Jeez Louise.
- And they've already - chained us up.
- I mean, this guy gets to just - become a cut scene.
Well, I'm sorry you failed your reflex saves.
You failed your reflex saves.
Hey, four, seven and two.
It's not looking great, even with bonuses, even with bonuses.
[laughs maniacally.]
I have all three stones! Now you're coming with me.
We're going on a little trip.
The kobolds in unison grab all of you guys and scurry with you onto Vortheon's ship before throwing you in a prison hold.
Vortheon.
Yeah, that's his name.
Vortheon, I know you know who I am! Well, yeah, I do.
Hey, Vortheon, I didn't have nothing to do with this.
Am I even involved in Well, you know, since you were honest, just get out of here.
- Vortheon, I knew you seemed - like a very nice guy - And these guys were - troublemakers all along, And I'm just gonna get out of here.
We'll miss you Rib Sanchez! Where's the fruit powder? Are our heroes doomed? What was Vortheon plotting? Will this be the end of the adventure? Well, no, because find out next time on "HarmonQuest.
" [cheers and applause.]
Ron Funches, everybody.
Jeff Davis, Erin McGathy, Spencer Crittenden.
I am of course Dan Harmon.
This has been "HarmonQuest.
" Join us for our next adventure, won't you? [dramatic music.]
Did you get any of that? It'sa gooda show! [upbeat accordion music.]
He runs the docks.
Where is your runestone? To save my family, I had to give away the runestone to the cult.
- She's had the third - runestone the whole time? Oh, yeah, well, I want him to take the third one from you, and then I want you all to die.
You chop him with your sword.
Tell you what, why don't you guys book it, and I'll distract these guys.
It's the least I could do.
You jump onto - a pile of hay.
Fondue, it's the softest boat ever.
[dramatic music.]
- Spencer: Since the dawn - of the 1970s, Fantasy role-playing games have provided men and women with an escape from their awkward lives.
Today the most awkward of them all, Dan Harmon, - is summoning - celebrity friends To play these games of old in front of a live studio audience in Hollywood.
I am Spencer, the Game Master, and this is "HarmonQuest.
" [cheers and applause.]
You're applauding yourselves.
- You're applauding - yourselves.
Welcome back "HarmonQuest.
" My name is Dan Harmon.
Then you applaud again.
[cheers and applause.]
The real star of the show, our Game Master, Spencer Crittenden.
[cheers and applause.]
With me as always, the elegant Erin McGathy.
[cheers and applause.]
The dignified Jeff B.
Davis.
[cheers and applause.]
And our guest fantasy role-player tonight, Mr.
Ron Funches.
Yeah.
[cheers and applause.]
You've got a nerdy edge to you.
- Yes.
- Do you have a history - Of role-playing games - in your past? No, I always tried to not dig too deep.
[laughter.]
- It's collective - storytelling.
It's a game without a board or a computer or anything.
Our god is the guy who decides what is and what isn't, but we get to tell him - This is what I thought - God looked like.
Yeah.
[laughter.]
But basically, yeah, we take turns telling him what we want to do - based on what he tells us - is happening, And he tells us whether it happened or not.
Without further ado, let's get to it.
Spencer, take it over.
Let's quest! [cheers and applause.]
You're carefully hidden in the cargo hold as stowaways on a trading vessel.
You don't want to make your presence known.
But after the past few days at sea, - you become hungry - and thirsty, And you feel the need to seek out food and/or water.
You won't find it in the cargo hold for some reason.
It would appear the only wares being cargo held are massive airbags and uncontained piles of hay and feathers.
- A large double door - in the cargo hold Seems to be the only exit, but crates surround you.
- You know, goblins, we have - quite an appetite, guys, And it's time that you fed this little goblin.
I'm curious, like, you know how they say if you die in your house, the cat will eat your face before the dog, like, I was just wondering when goblins would eat you.
- It doesn't matter.
- Oh, I mean, like I mean, as a goblin, I like rotting flesh.
Like, you can't give me too rotten flesh.
I mean, I'll eat anything.
So if I died, you'd eat me? I would gobble you right up.
- But I wouldn't I wouldn't - We're friends.
- I wouldn't do that - while you're alive.
I don't look at you and see a gigantic hot dog.
Let's try to find some food on the ship.
Okay.
I peer is there a crack that I can peer through? Yeah, sure.
Okay, I peer through the crack.
You see wooden planks.
[laughter.]
Um, I open the door.
You see wooden planks.
Look at these planks.
They really planked it up in here.
It's nice.
- Too many people - carpet their ships, And then there's, like, all this beautiful wood underneath.
Yeah.
- You're in - a long, wooden hallway.
You see way down the hall to the left is a doorway.
- I go towards - the end of the hall.
- You go towards - the end of the hallway.
There's a door on your left as well as a ladder leading up.
I peer through that door.
- You peer through - a crack in the door, And you see all sorts of barrels and also all sorts of shit.
Just, like, real, literal shit.
Just feces.
Like poop? - Yeah, yeah, no.
- Yeah, poop.
- Hey, guys, - I found the toilet.
I'm going up the ladder.
You go up the ladder.
You see some sailors, - but they haven't - noticed you yet.
They're lounging on tables and chairs.
- They seem to be - playing cards.
[whispered.]
Guys, there's sailors up here.
- What race are they? - What kinda people are they? I don't see through that lens.
I climb up the ladder, and I'm next to Fondue on the ladder.
- I don't think - we should, like - We don't want to get - tough with these guys.
- No, no, no.
- We don't know that they - You know, - they're not bad people.
I'm so hungry.
Can I go up those stairs to go to the top layer? Uh, you'd have to Can I sneak past? - You can try - to sneak past, yeah.
Okay, I'm gonna use my Stealth of two.
All right, two plus two.
Is screaming as I'm going up the ladder.
Look at me! I am invading your space! Your screaming stealth attempt seems to have failed.
They look over.
What? What's going on? Uh, hi.
Do you have anything to eat? They jump to their feet in response to your talking.
I make my presence known with my hand on the hilt of my bastard sword, and in my most baritone voice I say Hold it.
We don't want any trouble now.
[laughter.]
The sailors react to your noise.
- They call out - for their captain Oh, boy.
Who arrives posthaste.
Standing in the frame of the doorway, you see a large human sea captain.
That's you.
What's going on here? I was taking a good nap, and I don't like this.
[laughter.]
Oh, sorry.
We used your ship as a landing pad, and we hid for a weird amount of time.
Okay.
Do you have any food? In exchange I have a crowbar.
And gold.
We have gold.
And gold.
- We're telling him - about the gold? - They're gonna just - take our gold.
We're honest people.
Why are you trying to hide your gold from me? I appear I have lots of diplomacy, and I go, "Ah, mon capitaine!" And I do the deepest bow that a goblin can do, because I think that will charm a captain.
What's your diplomacy Seven.
All right, 18.
He's pretty charming.
You know it's true.
I like you.
I like you for a goblin.
I I clamor up his leg and up on his shoulder like a little parrot, and I sit there and I kind of, like, nuzzle him like this.
We're like good buddies.
This guy's all right.
He's like He's in your face, but in a good way.
Well, he's our friend, and we do apologize.
We were in the wrong.
As our lady friend said Not that she's defined by her gender We needed your ship to escape dire circumstances, and we're terribly sorry, and we hope that we have no quarrel.
We're on a mission.
- Okay, I like hearing - about missions.
- Yeah.
- What's your mission about? - Are you guys with the crown? - Are you against the crown? 'Cause I got strong feelings, but I'm not gonna let you know until you tell me what yours are.
What's your name, Captain? - I'm sorry, we never - got your name.
Again, I like this guy.
- Well, I am - a famous sea captain.
I've been smuggling for as long as I've been living.
My name's Rib Sanchez.
Rib Sanchez! You know the famous Rib Sanchez.
Yeah, yeah.
- We hate the crown, - we hate the crown.
Okay.
[cheering.]
[cheers and applause.]
Zoobag and Boneweevil, we all have been singing a song about you since we were kids.
Oh, man, I like that.
Should we do it? Yeah.
The R is for All: The rigor With which he does his deeds The I is for the tiger Survivor of the Weeds - Sea Seaweeds - Seaweeds.
All: And the B is for beginning Of friendship fast and true All: For Captain Rib Sanchez We owe our oath to you [cheers and applause.]
While I was It's a regional thing.
- They are different - I like it.
Now do the verse with my last name.
[laughter.]
I mean, it is such an honor to meet you.
I, uh, I never thought I would.
I didn't think you were real.
- Oh, I'm all too real.
- Yeah.
I've just been smuggling things, mostly soft things as you guys have noticed.
Right.
You know, like pillows and feathers and also easy listening CDs.
[laughter.]
Captain, do you have any food? We're really hungry.
Okay, uh, yeah, I do, because I like you.
Again, you're great.
What do I got? Oh, I got some powdered fruits.
Powdered fruits? - If you into that, - if you into that.
You know, it's just fruits, but, like, they got real old.
That's all the food you have on this boat? What, do your sailors just eat powdered fruit? - I mean, we do a lot - of fishing.
We pick up things as we go.
- I don't really - want to tell you What the poop deck's really about, but But you're cut off by a crewman above you calling out Something's coming! Off the starboard bow! Looks like sharks or something! Is that left or right, starboard? I think it's right.
Uh, my right or your right? Well, face the front of the ship.
Okay.
And then everyone's right.
Okay.
I look over the starboard bow.
You can see shark fins - winding their way - towards the ship, As well as blue and white figures on the side of the ship, scaling the wooden walls with their bare hands.
- Oh, no.
- Uh, guys! We got company! I take a stick, and I'm poking - whatever is trying - to get on board.
You poke whatever is trying to get on board.
Whatever's trying to get on board happens to be Adaro, shark people.
They're climbing up swiftly.
You can poke one of them off, but he just plops back into the water and starts climbing up again.
Shark people.
I hate them more than I hate orcs.
Thinking quickly, as Goblins can in a crisis, I take my soap out of my knapsack, and I start soaping up the side of the boat - with the water - that's coming over the side To make it slippery so the shark people can't gain flipper footing.
You see three or four start to climb up over the railing, but they they slip.
They slip off into the water.
I can't believe that worked.
That's like "Home Alone.
" A further four Four more shark people, however, bypass the soapy residue and make it upon the deck, wielding spears.
They're large, muscular, blue and white humanoids, have red eyes, sharp teeth, and shark fins coming out of their bald heads.
- So there's four of them - on deck now? Four of them on deck.
- And how many sailors - do we have with us? Oh, man, the sailors are all busy.
Busy doing what? They're battening things.
I take out my wife, and, Boneweevil, grab this side of the wire.
- I grab the other side - of the wire.
- Let's clothesline 'em.
- All right.
- All right.
- Go, clothesline! On three.
One, two, three.
Rahhh! - You attempt - to clothesline them.
You run straight past them and tangle them in wire.
They seem to be held firm by the wire, - but they ripple - their bulging muscles And snap the wire as if it were a weaker-gauged wire.
[laughter.]
Perhaps what you need is a bigger wire that's sword-shaped! I'm attacking with my sword.
I thought you might be.
Slashing into the foremost shark man, you deal 11 damage.
Nice.
Mm-hmm.
I climb up the main mast Or the only mast.
- All right.
- Just to kinda position myself On one of the yardarms in case I need to get into the fight - and sneak attack - these people.
- Yeah, I want to do something, - 'cause it's like I'm sick of these motherfucking sharks, for real.
I'm gonna pull out my harpoon gun, and then I also want to use my Divine Bomb to set these harpoons on fire, and then I'm gonna shoot at these sharks, 'cause that seems like a good idea.
You smack one of the sharks, the wounded shark, right in the head with a flaming harpoon, dealing 13 damage.
Yeah! [cheers and applause.]
His burning head, it just burns as he falls to the floor dead.
- Yeah.
- See? - I find a line, - there's a rope, - And I tie off - the line there, And I tie the other end of it to my waist.
And I take out my dagger, and I run to the end of the yardarm and swing around and swipe my dagger at one of the necks of the shark nearest me.
You slash into him, and he didn't see it coming, so it's like sneak attack style.
Hell yeah! You go right into his jugular vein, dealing 14 damage.
Whoo! [cheers and applause.]
All of a sudden, you feel a massive impact rock the hull of your ship, and you hear the cracking of wood and splintering of timbers.
You've failed to notice another vessel in the storm A black metal craft that has smashed into the port side of the ship.
And standing upon the dark vessel is a familiar armored figure, the dark armored figure from episode one.
[gasps.]
It's Shitface.
The shark people are scattered and slide off the deck into the water of the broken-in-half ship.
Oh, nice.
I yell to Buer Hide the amulet.
This guy's coming for the other runestone.
Like, hide it away.
Like, tuck it away somewhere.
Like, keister it.
You'll never get my amulet! - No, no, no, no! - Are you fucking kidding me! Oh, sorry.
Jesus Christ.
You fools! You think you can escape the Heralds of the Manticore? Yes.
You cannot hide! The runestones wish to be united, and with their power you cannot hope to defeat me.
Witness! He holds up the two stones, - and a crackling - bolt of energy Plunges from the night sky into the earth Not the earth, - the sea.
And out of the depths rises a blue monster.
It's the arcane horror from episode one, the blue one.
It ascends skyward into the clouds in the storm.
Oh, that was easy.
It's gone.
Spencer, this is Erin.
- Please, - don't take my necklace.
Uh, you know Okay, okay I grab Buer and I say Put it in your ass.
Put it in your ass for real.
I'm not kidding.
Put it in your ass.
No.
First of all, I would put it in my vagina before I put it in my ass.
That's the first place they look.
[laughter.]
I wish.
Good night, folks.
- Bad pitch, but just - throwing things out there.
- Let's hide it in one - of the poop barrels.
- They're not gonna go - through the poop barrels.
Let's stick it in the poop.
Put it in her ass.
It's full of poop.
- I'm not - Okay, I mean, The poop barrels time is of the essence right now.
Just I'll put it in my butt.
I'll put it in my butt.
It is my family heirloom! All right, I take it off, and I You see me put it under my skirt.
I kinda I tense up my neck and do, like, a weird smile, and then I remove my hand, and I'm no longer holding it, and it is my business Okay, yeah.
Where it is.
Plummeting from the sky like a large, wispy, black bomb, the arcane horror smashes into the ship and roars like a wild beast.
- Shit.
- I just gotta say, I mean, I was just dealing with feathers and pillows and just shit before you guys got here.
All right, like, I go into a Barbarian Rage.
[singing gibberish.]
And I just start punching.
You punch directly into the blue energy of the arcane horror.
It seems to laugh at you as if to say, "Your normal fists do nothing to my arcane hide.
" I have a five in survival.
That seems almost too easy.
I can't just survive? The arcane horror lunges at Fondue Zoobag.
Oh, come on, I'm the Sinking its jaws into his flesh.
I look at the camera and I say It's a living.
Dealing five damage.
I run up behind him sneak attack style while he's busy with Fondue.
And I use my bite attack, and I bite as hard as I can with my goblin mouth.
You bite right into his blue energy legs, but, like the punches, - they just bounce - harmlessly off his hide, As if to say, "You're gonna need" some sort of magical armament.
" God damn it.
Magical armaments.
- Well, like the shit - we got at the Oh, like that shit that worked on the first arcane horror.
Yeah.
Oh, the sprinkles.
The sprinkles.
No, the weapons from the - Oh.
- Oh-oh! I call mine I call mine Sprinkles.
No, you call it New Friend.
New Friend, - I know, I know.
I produce New Friend.
I feel like I haven't gone in a while.
- Yeah, you did just - get bit, so Seems like I should get to do something.
Go ahead, take it.
Yeah, go ahead.
I attack it with my sword.
Which one? The magical one.
Oh, okay, okay.
You plunge your sword into one of its blue energy legs, and it spills white ichor onto the floor that burns the deck as it takes 12 damage.
Not my deck! Looks like you have a new reason to be blue.
[cheers and applause.]
I I take out New Friend, and I jump up as high as I can, and then I go straight down into what I judge is, like, the center of the blue thing.
You slice directly into its back with New Friend, dealing 14 damage.
All right.
Looks like, despite your best efforts, you really you blew it! It lashes around in pain, and it starts spitting water all over the place.
Heavy blasts of brine issue out from it.
I use Uncanny Dodge.
You dodge uncannily.
In fact, the only person who doesn't dodge is the sea captain, taking 13 damage.
Oh, no.
He's a guest star.
You knew it was gonna happen.
Guys, I'm not feeling good.
I want to use my ability to lay on hands on myself to try to heal myself.
You heal for yourself for 12 damage.
Nice.
You're back in the game, Captain.
I run under his legs.
I take out my golden rapier, my magical one, and I just start shanking him.
I'll make you leak.
I'll make you leak, Jack! It's a critical hit.
Oh! [cheers and applause.]
As you make it leak for the 19 damage, you get out of its way - as it collapses - onto the ground, Before erupting into a pile of wispy black smoke that quickly disperses.
Yeah.
[cheers and applause.]
The armored figure is upset.
I bet he is.
He screams.
Enough! He grips the two runestones in either hand that he has, and he claps them together, sending ribbons of energy leaping from the stones that attempt to entangle you.
- Oh, no.
- Guys And they do so.
You're entangled and ensnared, preventing you from moving.
He holds the stones in his hands, and, Buer, you can feel a most uncomfortable feeling.
[laughter.]
Should have hid it in the poop bucket.
As the stone floats out of you and into the waiting clutches of the armored figure.
He leaps onto the deck, and in your paralyzed In your paralyzed form you can't manage to move.
He laughs as kobolds jump onto your ship from his ship and start grabbing you, pulling you.
They chain you up.
What's a kobold? A kobold is like a little scrawny lizard man.
Jeez Louise.
- And they've already - chained us up.
- I mean, this guy gets to just - become a cut scene.
Well, I'm sorry you failed your reflex saves.
You failed your reflex saves.
Hey, four, seven and two.
It's not looking great, even with bonuses, even with bonuses.
[laughs maniacally.]
I have all three stones! Now you're coming with me.
We're going on a little trip.
The kobolds in unison grab all of you guys and scurry with you onto Vortheon's ship before throwing you in a prison hold.
Vortheon.
Yeah, that's his name.
Vortheon, I know you know who I am! Well, yeah, I do.
Hey, Vortheon, I didn't have nothing to do with this.
Am I even involved in Well, you know, since you were honest, just get out of here.
- Vortheon, I knew you seemed - like a very nice guy - And these guys were - troublemakers all along, And I'm just gonna get out of here.
We'll miss you Rib Sanchez! Where's the fruit powder? Are our heroes doomed? What was Vortheon plotting? Will this be the end of the adventure? Well, no, because find out next time on "HarmonQuest.
" [cheers and applause.]
Ron Funches, everybody.
Jeff Davis, Erin McGathy, Spencer Crittenden.
I am of course Dan Harmon.
This has been "HarmonQuest.
" Join us for our next adventure, won't you? [dramatic music.]
Did you get any of that? It'sa gooda show! [upbeat accordion music.]