Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law (2000) s01e04 Episode Script
Death by chocolate
1 This is the United States government.
You are surrounded.
You have 10 seconds to surrender.
One, two-- Sorry.
Boob, wake up.
lt's breakfast, of the bedside variety.
My eyes! Really? You're going down.
-l'm sorry.
What? -Aye, Poppie.
Down.
Caliente.
¿Donde esta Harvey? Harvey esta down.
Did you do that filing l asked you to do? You, too.
Loosely translated: ''Polley want a beating?'' -Yes.
-Harvey, get in here.
The boss, everybody.
l could take him down.
What should l bring? A pad? A pad's a good thing to bring.
Right back.
Sit down.
Not there! There! There! Not there! There! There.
The firm just got its biggest, highest profile case ever.
He's been targeting the heads of corporate America.
Booby-trapped gift baskets and cookie bouquets have been arriving at corporate offices across this country.
Then a couple of months ago his friend grew suspicious and notified the authorities.
He doesn't look so dangerous.
Cute, even.
He's a bear, damn it! Buster Brown and his hairy holly-knockers.
Have you ever tried to bring one down? l can bring a bear down! Defend the bear, Birdman.
Don't forget.
l'll be keeping my eyes on you.
-Eye.
-l didn't know you were Scottish.
So, what you got? Typing! Peanut, get me a psych profile on a Boo Boo bear.
Debbie, we're going to need some law books.
With pictures this time.
Avenger, start taking depositions.
All right, let's go, people! Everyone turn around.
l'm going to my calm place.
That's good.
Miss Peanut, if you're nasty.
Order! Order! -l'll make you travel-size.
-Let me tell you, and especially you.
This is my house.
And, as such, there will be no circus in my courtroom.
Don't touch.
l'm enjoying myself.
This is pleasure, you fools.
Let's convict ourselves a bear.
Right away, Your Honor.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this animal here this ursine fellow.
Unclean! He rejected society and retreated to a cave in the woods to plot his vile.
Nod! Nod at what l am saying, or l will shoot! My client is a bear betrayed by his buddy, by his government.
Yesterday, in a jaunty little collar and tie, today in chains.
You got something in your teeth.
Your Mightor, people's exhibit 1A: The defendant's confession! We'll be out of here by 1 1 :00.
Objection! What were the circumstances of this confession? l have here in my hand, footage of the government's interrogation.
All right, bear.
Now, let's do this.
l'm not playing this game.
Come on, bear! Sign the paper! Come on, you stupid bear! Sign the.
ls this the way our government extracts testimony? Who's next? Which one of us is next? Please tell the court what you're holding.
lt's the Cookie Bouqueter's Manifesto.
Did you find anything unusual about it? Aside from the fact that it's filled with paranoid delusions.
As you can see it was typed on an electric typewriter with a misaligned ''T.
'' Nothing further! -Doctor Quincy? -Yes.
Can you tell us what this is? lt appears to be an electric toothbrush.
And this? An electric back massager and relaxation unit.
That's it.
Right there.
lndeed.
And this? An electric typewriter.
Tell us, did you find any of these things in your search of my client's cave? No.
Would that be because bears have no inherent desire for relaxing and therapeutic massage? Or perhaps because these are all electric appliances and there happens to be no electricity in my client's cave? l've nothing further for this witness.
l'd like to call Yogi Bear to the stand.
He was a good little bear.
Until the park got a corporate sponsor.
Mr.
Yogi, can you tell us the title of this book? l'm not much of a reader type.
No matter.
Just tell us the title.
l can't read.
And tell us, can your friend Boo Boo.
Can he read? l don't think so.
There, there.
lt's going to be all right.
You know what l say? Gandhi is dandy, but liquor is quicker.
-Quicker.
-l see.
So, Myron, there's one thing l can't figure out: You, prosecuting for the government.
That's right, Birdman.
Yell it nice and loud.
-What? -l'm not prosecuting.
Am l supposed to be prosecuting? Not for the government, at least.
That man over there.
-The jukebox? -No! There is no government just a few multinational corporations that own everything.
The bear's a threat to the new world order, Birdman.
Soon there will be one worldwide currency.
l'll make you fun-size! One currency? Here's your tab.
Right.
One Euro, two Euros.
Mr.
Boo Boo, would you consider yourself a revolutionary? No, but l do believe corporations rob us of our dignity and independence and that these systems must be ripped down burnt down, or leveled by any force necessary.
But that's just one little bear's opinion.
A cute, fuzzy little bear.
Defense rests.
Mr.
Foreplay, have you reached a verdict? We have, Your Honor.
We find the defendant not guilty.
Come on.
Hey, sleepyhead.
-What time is it? -3:00.
l made us some brunch.
l'll be in, in a minute.
l brought you a cookie bouquet to thank you.
A cookie bouquet.
How sweet! Booby-trapped cookie bouquets.
Bouquets.
Cookies on dowels! Coming through.
Sorry! That stings.
l beg your pardon.
-Snackerdoodle? -No! That's right.
lt's over, baby.
lt's over.
Snackerdoodles.
Boob! You've killed my Boob! And now you're gonna pay, Birdman! English
You are surrounded.
You have 10 seconds to surrender.
One, two-- Sorry.
Boob, wake up.
lt's breakfast, of the bedside variety.
My eyes! Really? You're going down.
-l'm sorry.
What? -Aye, Poppie.
Down.
Caliente.
¿Donde esta Harvey? Harvey esta down.
Did you do that filing l asked you to do? You, too.
Loosely translated: ''Polley want a beating?'' -Yes.
-Harvey, get in here.
The boss, everybody.
l could take him down.
What should l bring? A pad? A pad's a good thing to bring.
Right back.
Sit down.
Not there! There! There! Not there! There! There.
The firm just got its biggest, highest profile case ever.
He's been targeting the heads of corporate America.
Booby-trapped gift baskets and cookie bouquets have been arriving at corporate offices across this country.
Then a couple of months ago his friend grew suspicious and notified the authorities.
He doesn't look so dangerous.
Cute, even.
He's a bear, damn it! Buster Brown and his hairy holly-knockers.
Have you ever tried to bring one down? l can bring a bear down! Defend the bear, Birdman.
Don't forget.
l'll be keeping my eyes on you.
-Eye.
-l didn't know you were Scottish.
So, what you got? Typing! Peanut, get me a psych profile on a Boo Boo bear.
Debbie, we're going to need some law books.
With pictures this time.
Avenger, start taking depositions.
All right, let's go, people! Everyone turn around.
l'm going to my calm place.
That's good.
Miss Peanut, if you're nasty.
Order! Order! -l'll make you travel-size.
-Let me tell you, and especially you.
This is my house.
And, as such, there will be no circus in my courtroom.
Don't touch.
l'm enjoying myself.
This is pleasure, you fools.
Let's convict ourselves a bear.
Right away, Your Honor.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this animal here this ursine fellow.
Unclean! He rejected society and retreated to a cave in the woods to plot his vile.
Nod! Nod at what l am saying, or l will shoot! My client is a bear betrayed by his buddy, by his government.
Yesterday, in a jaunty little collar and tie, today in chains.
You got something in your teeth.
Your Mightor, people's exhibit 1A: The defendant's confession! We'll be out of here by 1 1 :00.
Objection! What were the circumstances of this confession? l have here in my hand, footage of the government's interrogation.
All right, bear.
Now, let's do this.
l'm not playing this game.
Come on, bear! Sign the paper! Come on, you stupid bear! Sign the.
ls this the way our government extracts testimony? Who's next? Which one of us is next? Please tell the court what you're holding.
lt's the Cookie Bouqueter's Manifesto.
Did you find anything unusual about it? Aside from the fact that it's filled with paranoid delusions.
As you can see it was typed on an electric typewriter with a misaligned ''T.
'' Nothing further! -Doctor Quincy? -Yes.
Can you tell us what this is? lt appears to be an electric toothbrush.
And this? An electric back massager and relaxation unit.
That's it.
Right there.
lndeed.
And this? An electric typewriter.
Tell us, did you find any of these things in your search of my client's cave? No.
Would that be because bears have no inherent desire for relaxing and therapeutic massage? Or perhaps because these are all electric appliances and there happens to be no electricity in my client's cave? l've nothing further for this witness.
l'd like to call Yogi Bear to the stand.
He was a good little bear.
Until the park got a corporate sponsor.
Mr.
Yogi, can you tell us the title of this book? l'm not much of a reader type.
No matter.
Just tell us the title.
l can't read.
And tell us, can your friend Boo Boo.
Can he read? l don't think so.
There, there.
lt's going to be all right.
You know what l say? Gandhi is dandy, but liquor is quicker.
-Quicker.
-l see.
So, Myron, there's one thing l can't figure out: You, prosecuting for the government.
That's right, Birdman.
Yell it nice and loud.
-What? -l'm not prosecuting.
Am l supposed to be prosecuting? Not for the government, at least.
That man over there.
-The jukebox? -No! There is no government just a few multinational corporations that own everything.
The bear's a threat to the new world order, Birdman.
Soon there will be one worldwide currency.
l'll make you fun-size! One currency? Here's your tab.
Right.
One Euro, two Euros.
Mr.
Boo Boo, would you consider yourself a revolutionary? No, but l do believe corporations rob us of our dignity and independence and that these systems must be ripped down burnt down, or leveled by any force necessary.
But that's just one little bear's opinion.
A cute, fuzzy little bear.
Defense rests.
Mr.
Foreplay, have you reached a verdict? We have, Your Honor.
We find the defendant not guilty.
Come on.
Hey, sleepyhead.
-What time is it? -3:00.
l made us some brunch.
l'll be in, in a minute.
l brought you a cookie bouquet to thank you.
A cookie bouquet.
How sweet! Booby-trapped cookie bouquets.
Bouquets.
Cookies on dowels! Coming through.
Sorry! That stings.
l beg your pardon.
-Snackerdoodle? -No! That's right.
lt's over, baby.
lt's over.
Snackerdoodles.
Boob! You've killed my Boob! And now you're gonna pay, Birdman! English