Hey Arnold! (1996) s01e04 Episode Script

1
MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold!
-(YOWLING)
-(BARKING)
Hey, Arnold!
(OPENING THEME MUSIC)
(CRASHING)
(SCREAMS)
Hey, Arnold!
Arnold.
Arnold.
-(SIREN WAILING)
-Arnold.
Arnold.
Move it, football head!
ALL: Hey, Arnold!
One for you.
One for you.
One for you.
Oh. Uh, hello, Helga.
Why don't you take a picture?
It'll last longer, dweeb.
(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)
Yeah.
I wonder why Helga
is not invited
to Rhonda's party.
Well, it is a girl party.
Helga is a girl.
She is?
Oh, yeah. I always forget.
So, Phoebe, what do you
want to do Saturday night?
Goof on the geeks
at the video arcade?
I was thinking of going
to Rhonda's party.
They're gonna do
makeovers and stuff.
Rhonda's party?
You're not seriously going
to that, are you?
Well, no. I mean
Well, uh, I know you didn't
get an invitation, and
I didn't want an invitation.
Why would I want to go
to a stupid girly party?
Yeah, I figured. But,
I was just thinking,
I don't know,
it might be interesting.
(SCOFFING) Interesting?
Yeah, right!
-But, Helga
-No!
Go! Go to Rhonda's party, and
have your little makeovers.
It's no snot out of my nose.
I've got a million
better things to do
on a Saturday night
than be stuck in a room
with a bunch of sissy girls!
Fine.
(PANTING)
I got it. I got it!
(SIGHING GRIMLY)
I don't got it.
Okay, 100 points for me.
Smack it again!
Wait a minute.
You can't play.
This game is boys only.
Says who, pink boy?
Says, uh
Sid. Yeah, tell her, Sid.
Please, don't hurt me.
Look, Helga,
we're having a boys only game
since all the girls are having
a girls only slumber party.
Hey, wait a minute,
how come you're not
at the slumber party?
Oh, yeah, I forgot.
You weren't invited
'cause you're not girl enough.
Shut up! That's not true.
I was invited,
I just didn't want to go.
(TAUNTING)
Helga's not a girl.
Helga's not a girl.
Helga's not a girl.
Helga's not a girl.
Helga's not a girl.
Helga's not a girl.
That's it,
Harold, you're dead.
(SCREAMING)
-Come back here,
you big
-HAROLD: (SCREAMING)
You know, Gerald,
I almost feel sorry for her.
The key word there
is "Almost."
"Not girl enough."
(SPITEFULLY)
What a bunch of crap!
I am too a girl.
I'm pretty. I'm feminine!
I'm delicate.
MAN: Oh, excuse me, young man.
I'm a girl!
GIRLS: (GIGGLING)
(LAUGHING)
And then, Helga goes,
"I ought to deck you,
fat boy!"
ALL: (LAUGHING)
I don't sound like that.
I ought to deck them all! Oh.
Out of my way, geek face.
Et tu, Phoebe?
I'll show them feminine.
I'll show them all.
They'll be sorry
they ever messed
with Helga G. Pataki.
Hello, Helga, how are you?
Oh, fine.
Fine, Mrs. Johanssen.
Just, picking up
my usual magazines.
Nothing out
of the ordinary here.
(BUZZING)
Yo, Yolanda!
How much for this copy
of Preteen Miss?
(SHOUTING) Preteen Miss?
Yeah, Preteen Miss.
You know, the one
with the feature on
how to make ugly girls pretty.
(LAUGHING WITH EMBARRASSMENT)
How did that get in there?
Oh, well,
I might as well take it.
I can probably use it to,
uh
To line my bird cage with.
Yeah, that's it.
(LAUGHING EMBARRASSEDLY)
Hmm.
Am I a fire-engine red,
or a purly pink?
(DOORKNOB RATTLING)
MIRIAM:
What's going on in there?
Are you all right?
I'm fine, Mother!
Can't I have few moments
of peace in the bathroom?
Criminy!
Ow! Ow! Ow!
MIRIAM:
Your father needs to use
the bathroom, now!
HELGA: Okay! Okay!
There! Satisfied?
(GASPING) Oh, my!
HELGA: Hm, maybe I should have
gone a bit lighter
on the eye shadow.
Hey, you guys,
I just saw Helga.
She's on her way
to Rhonda's party,
and she's all dolled up
(SOFTLY) like a girl!
Helga? Like a girl?
This I gotta see.
I say, all of us guys
go over there right now,
and crash their party.
ALL: Yeah, let's go!
-(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
-(DOORBELL RINGING)
Helga?
Rhonda, darling,
great to see ya.
Sorry I'm late.
-What are we doing, ladies?
-(GLASS BREAKING)
Polishing our nails?
Helga, you look
-Great!
-Oh, this old thing?
Just something I had
lying around the house.
It's all the rage
this season, though.
(GIGGLING)
I brought some of my
old makeup,
in case you wanted any tips.
Nadine, dear,
that pink nail polish
makes your fingers look
awfully stubby,
don't you think?
I'd say you're really
more of a coral.
Uh, Helga,
can I talk to you
for a minute?
Not now, dear.
Oh, yes, Nadine,
you're definitely a coral.
Okay, is everybody ready
for facials? Helga?
Oh, Rhonda, you are so
Chante.
I can feel my pores
opening already.
Helga, can I have a word
with you?
Well
I'll be right back, ladies.
I have to share
a private moment
with one of my
plainer acquaintances.
Helga, what are you doing?
Getting a facial.
You never use to like
this girly stuff.
That's the old Helga.
The new Helga can be
just as beautiful
as the next girl.
Yeah, well, I like
the old Helga better.
At least, she was honest.
She'd never pretend
to like all this stuff
just to fit in with the crowd.
If you ask me,
you're just jealous
because I'm more
feminine and womanly.
(SLURPING AND GULPING)
(BURPING)
And now, if you'll excuse me,
this gorgeous kisser
has got a date
with a bowl of guacamole.
(FAINT LAUGH)
(SIGHING)
(GASPING)
Okay, Helga, you're next.
Gee, I am?
Wow.
Okay, give me the works.
Stop!
-What's wrong?
-I'll tell you what's wrong.
This is stupid!
That's what is wrong.
But, Helga,
this mask will help reduce
wrinkles and signs of aging.
We don't have wrinkles!
We don't have signs of aging.
We're nine years old!
Oh, this is gonna be great.
When they see all of us
in the window,
they're gonna scream
bloody murder.
You know, Helga,
maybe we were wrong about you.
Maybe you're not
like the rest of us.
You're right, Rhonda.
I'm not like the rest of you.
I'm not wearing a mask!
ALL: (GASPING)
HELGA: I mean, look at us.
Tin foil in our hair,
glop on our faces,
high heeled shoes?
Why are we wearing these?
-(GLASS BREAKING)
-We're already taller
than the boys.
But, Helga,
this is what girls do.
I mean, what could be
more fun than this?
Yeah, what, Helga?
-ALL: Yeah.
-(OBJECTS CLATTERING)
Did you hear something?
(SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING)
The horror. The horror!
Come back here,
you chicken
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
Should we go back
and help him?
(PANTING)
Are you kidding?
It's every man for himself.
(WHIMPERING)
Well, well, well.
Lookie what we got here.
Help!
RHONDA:
What do you think?
Burnt copper or coral pink?
Help! Let me go!
Let me go!
Now, this is what I call
a good party.
You said it, Helga.
(CRASHING)
(CRASHING)
Hey, Arnold!
Careful with that lever there.
It swings the wrecking ball.
Now, move it slowly
toward you.
That's it. A little more.
Wait, wait, wait.
I almost forgot.
(PLAYING DINO SPUMONI SONG)
I'll smash a vase, the radio
Those little teacups
from Limoges ♪
Ah, Dino Spumoni.
It was before your time,
one of the greats.
This song first inspired me
to get into demolitions.
I always play it
when I'm knocking things down.
It scares the bricks.
Go ahead.
Pull the lever.
Cool.
You're a natural.
I ought to take you on
as an apprentice.
You'd do that for me?
Sure. You've got the knack.
Now, first thing we gotta do
is get you a nickname.
Cool. How about
"The Terminator"?
Nah, too dramatic.
Wait, wait. I got it.
The perfect nickname for you.
-Bill.
-Bill? That's a nickname?
Yeah, it's a great nickname.
Come on,
meet the rest of the crew.
Hey, Ernie man,
what's shaking, huh?
You mean besides your gut?
So, this is the kid I've been
telling you about, Bill.
-Glad to meet you, Billy.
-(CRUSHING)
You here to help
Ernie celebrate
joining the 500 Club?
Uh
Yeah, uh, Arnold,
I've been meaning to ask you,
we've got kind of
a tradition here.
At your
five hundredth demolition,
your son gets to sit
in the wrecking rig with you.
Only
I never met the right woman,
see so
It's a little short notice
for me to come up
with a son by Wednesday.
And well,
what I mean to say
Arnold is
I'd love to.
(GRUNTING)
Hi, Grandma.
Sorry, no time
for small talk, kiddo.
We gotta save
the Circle theater.
We do?
They wanna tear it down
and put in
an 18 screen multiplex.
One of those surround sound,
air conditioned,
plush seat, big screen deals.
Oh, boy, sounds
Huh?
Horrible.
That's right.
The Circle Theater
is the place where
Dino Spumoni got
his big break.
Grandpa and I
had our first date there.
(SINGING)
Darling, you left my heart
In pieces on the floor
So, tell me why shouldn't I
Break some things of yours ♪
That Spumoni,
he's the dreamiest.
Would you like to dance?
I'd love to.
The radio
Those little teacups
from Limoges
Your wacky paintings
on the walls
Darling, pow!
I'll smash them all ♪
So, will you help me, Arnold?
You bet, Grandma.
I'd be glad to help you.
Yo, Bill. Come here.
You still doing
that exercise I taught you?
Yup.
BOTH: Reach, pull,
reach, pull!
Good boy.
Do that every day,
and when the big moment comes
you'll be ready.
ARNOLD: Thanks, Ernie.
This is the set-up, you see?
Cool.
I got the little lever here.
Circle Theater? Oh, no.
ERNIE: (LAUGHING)
Now, watch what happens
when I do this.
Boom! Perfect!
Did you see that?
Did you see what I did there?
(GULPS) Yeah. I saw.
Ah, come Wednesday,
when you and I pull
that lever together,
it's gonna be
the proudest day of my life.
The day I finally join
the 500 Club.
Woo-hoo. And you'll be there
right by my side, kid,
like the son I never had,
right Arnold?
You won't let me down,
will ya?
I've been let down
a lot in my life.
I don't know if I can take
one more disappointment,
son.
Uh, you can
count on me, Ernie.
Oh, Arnold, I just wanted
to thank you for helping me
on the big campaign.
It's you and me, Arnold,
standing together,
side by side,
against them all.
You won't let me down,
will ya?
Uh, no, Grandma.
You can count on me.
Hey, Grandpa,
I was wondering
if I could talk to you.
I've kind of got a problem.
(LAUGHING)
Well, shoot, Shortman.
(GROANING)
Grandma seems to be
counting on me to help her
save the Circle Theater.
And, I really wanna help her.
Of course, you do.
It's a great cause.
No problem!
And Ernie is kind of
counting on me to help him
knock down the Circle Theater.
He says I'm like a son to him.
Besides, I get to drive
a wrecking ball.
Well, like I always say,
how many chances
are you going to get
to drive a wrecking ball.
No problem.
No, you see,
I told Grandma I'd help save
the same building I told Ernie
I'd help destroy.
Now, you got a problem.
I know that.
But, what do I do?
Well,
there's only one thing
you can do.
Uh, well,
what you could do is
Shoot far! Time to take
my medication already.
I'll get back to you, boy.
Don't call me, I'll call you.
I know. I'll just
tell them both
that I want out, that's all.
They're adults,
they'll understand.
Hey, Arnold,
ask your Grandma there,
to pass the potatoes.
That is unless she wants
to preserve them
for another 500 years.
Here you go, Arnold.
Tell your friend I'm sorry
they aren't mashed.
But, he probably wants
to do that himself.
Finished?
Stop it!
You'd knock down
the Statue of Liberty
if it got a gray hair.
You'd save a pile of
dog droppings on the street
if George Washington
once stepped in it.
Come here and say that,
demolition man.
Yeah? You want
a piece of this?
Oh, yeah? You homewrecker!
This is ridiculous!
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
Oh, now look what you've done.
ERNIE: Me?
GRANDMA: You've upset the boy.
ERNIE: He's mad at you!
GRANDMA: End of discussion.
ERNIE: Reach up, reach up.
Boom! It's progress.
GRANDMA: Grandpa and I
had our first date here.
Dino Spumoni
Our first date.
ERNIE:
This song first inspired me
to go into demolitions.
Dino Spumoni
(DIALING)
Pookie, have you
lost your mind?
Why don't you listen to reason
for once in your life
and come home?
Nothing doing.
I'm gonna save this building.
By yourself?
No, I've got Arnold with me.
Well, I don't see him.
He'll be here. He'll be here.
This building is about
to come down.
I parked my carcass right here
and I'm not moving!
Where are you, Arnold?
Come nine o'clock
you'll change your tune,
and I'll get
my five hundredth demolition.
Hurry up, Bill.
Wait! Wait! Stop the show!
BOTH: Arnold, you came!
Ladies and gentlemen,
as mayor of our fair city,
I have an announcement
to make.
I thought we recalled her.
But first, to say a few words
about the Circle Theater,
let me introduce a man
who needs no introduction,
Mr. Dino Spumoni.
Dino Spumoni!
(CROWD CHEERING)
How you's all doing?
I want to thank
a very special little boy,
named Arnold,
who brought this situation
to my attention.
You know, folks,
the Circle has got
a lot of history for me.
I sang some of
my best numbers here.
Punched some of the finest
photographers in the world.
Pow! Right in the kisser.
But that's another story.
The point is, this boy here,
got me and the Mayor together,
and we realized, we gotta save
this fine old building
for posteriority.
I hereby declare,
the old Circle Theater,
a city landmark.
(CROWD CHEERING)
Of course, the Circle Theater.
You were the reason I decided
to go into demolitions.
That song of yours.
(SINGING OFF KEY)
Darling
You left my heart
In pieces on the floor
Tony, get me out of here.
Limo and out.
Dino, wait! Come back!
I want you to sign my head.
You did it, Arnold.
You saved the theater.
I knew you wouldn't
let me down.
Thanks, Arnold.
You stopped me from making
a terrible mistake.
Tearing down Dino's theater,
it would have been
a sacrilege.
And, the next building
I tear down,
my real five hundredth,
it'll be you and me, kid.
In the end, it was you and me.
Hey, crazy lady,
he came through for me.
In your dreams.
He came through for me!
ERNIE: Me!
GRANDMA: For me!
What's wrong with you?
Your ears pitted?
Darn, I said me!
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
Darling, you left my heart
In pieces on the floor
So, tell me why shouldn't I
Break some things of yours
I'll smash your lamp
The antique chair
That stupid thing
you always wear
I'll smash a vase
The radio
Those little teacups
from Limoges
Your wacky paintings
on the walls
Darling, pow!
I'll smash them all
Lover, it's just a game
Cupid can take the blame
I'll take the place apart
But don't worry
I won't smash your heart
Not me
Maybe some other clown
But I'm not gonna smash
your heart baby
You're talking to Dino
over here ♪